MACY'S CEO COMES TO PITTSBURGH, DEFENDS ALL-BLACK DRESS CODE
"Today will be a day long remembered," Terry Lundgren said. "It has seen the end of colored clothing, and it will soon see the end of the rebellion."
BUD SELIG UNDECIDED WHETHER HE'LL ATTEND BONDS' RECORD-BREAKING HOMER, SISTER IN-LAW'S BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS SATURDAY
SAN FRANCISCO - Bud Selig, pictured above at a recent Nazi Youth rally, still hasn't decided whether he'll attend Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run, which could occur at any time, or his sister in-law's birthday party, which is Saturday night.
With Bonds only three home runs from breaking Hank Aaron's career mark and Selig's sister in-law's birthday party just one day away, the commissioner was adamant Thursday that he may, or may not, attend either one. He says he is "playing all this by ear. I do have a day job, you know."
It is widely believed that Selig is not fully embracing Bonds' record due to the Giants' slugger's admitted steroid usage. A source close to the commissioner who did not want to be identified said he is not embracing his sister in-law's birthday party due to remarks she made last year questioning his intelligence.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson criticized Selig for not lending Bonds or the sister in-law his full support. "That's inexcusable," said Jackson. Jackson retracted the comment to the extent it pertains to Selig's sister in-law after he was informed she is Caucasian.
MARILYN MANSON NAMED MANAGER OF DOWNTOWN MACY'S
"He doesn't have a lot of retail experience," said company spokesman Nathan Shore, "but he'll be easy for customers to find. And he looks great."
FOURTH SERVICE SECTOR EMPLOYEE COMES FORWARD WITH CLAIM THAT FORMER MAYOR SOPHIE MASLOFF SEXUALLY HARASSED HIM
"SHE UNDRESSED ME WITH HER EYES," SAID PLUMBER NOAH SWAYNE
DETAILS EMERGE ON HOW ZUBIK WAS SELECTED BISHOP OF PITTSBURGH
"Troy, I've passed on to the Holy Father what you told me -- that the team won't play for any Bishop other than Dave Zubik. The Holy Father had this reaction: 'Well, then, the decision appears to have been made for us'"
BISHOP ZUBIK HINTS AT CHANGES AHEAD
"There are going to be some changes around here. From now on, under pain of eternal damnation, Catholics in this Diocese are forbidden from watching football on Sundays."
NFL TO CHANGE ALL SCORING TO ROMAN NUMERALS TO HELP FANS DECIPHER SUPER BOWL NUMBERING
“The NFL doesn’t need to change to Arabic numbers for the Super Bowl; fans need to adapt to us,” commissioner Roger Goodell says
NEW YORK --- The National Football League, confronting confusion among fans about which Super Bowl will be held this year, announced a new numbering policy this morning.
NEW YORK --- The National Football League, confronting confusion among fans about which Super Bowl will be held this year, announced a new numbering policy this morning.
“Everybody learns the lower Roman numerals in grade school,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a press release. “I,V, and X are easy to remember. But now that we are well into the forties for the Super Bowls, fans are having a harder time. To assist them, we will use all Roman numerals beginning with the MMVII-MMVIII season. Fans should be able to pick it up quickly. A field goal will still be worth III, and a touchdown with an extra point will still be worth VII. Once they see an exciting XXI-XX game, they’ll realize nothing has really changed.”
Reaction from fans and players was mixed. Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward, who will now wear the LXXXVI jersey, is resigned to the change. “The league is going to do what they want. It is what it is. I just hope all those extra letters won’t slow me down,” he joked.
Local plumber Noah Swayne is not so forgiving. “This is ridiculous. I don’t want to have to think when I’m watching football. I just want to sit there and drink my beer. I think this is just a big ploy to sell millions of jerseys with the new numbers.” An NFL spokesman denied the charge, but then chuckled under his breath.
Still undecided is the fate of the San Francisco 49’ers. “The league’s owners will vote on whether they have to change to the IL’ers,” Goodell said. “People might start calling them the ‘Illers,’ which sounds too much like the ‘Stillers,’ as they say in Pittsburgh. The last thing we want to do is make things difficult for our loyal fans.”
EDWARDS VOWS NEVER TO RETURN TO PITTSBURGH
Democratic hopeful cites unruly crowds, two separated shoulders he suffered during visit
Faneca says he'll report to Latrobe and promises not to be a distraction on the field
Team officials unsure of his sincerity after what he pulled at mini-camp
YOUMANS TELLS MANAGEMENT HE’S BEING STALKED BY EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY; CONSTANT CRIES OF “SHANE!” DRIVING PITCHER CRAZY
PITTSBURGH - Pirates Pitcher Shane Youmans has told management he is being harassed by an eight-year-old boy who follows him everywhere calling his name. “I think he has me confused with somebody else,” said Youmans. The boy, identified as Joey Starrett, sits behind home plate at all home games. “It’s always ‘Shane, pitch this guy low and away,’ or ‘Shane, bust him inside,’ or ‘Shane, cut that ball off from the outfield.’ I never get a moment’s peace!” The beleaguered Bucco hurler said he has tried to reach out to Starrett on a number of occasions. He now regrets his actions. “One time I caught him wearing my glove, pounding a ball in the web. I told him a ball is a tool. No better or no worse than any other tool. An axe, a shovel, a gun, or anything. A ball is as good or as bad as the man using it. Remember that.” Youmans thinks his act of kindness may have created a deep and abiding devotion in a young, impressionable fan. “I’ll never make that mistake again, believe me.”
Leaving the clubhouse last night forty-five minutes after a 6-2 loss to the Colorado Rockies, Youmans was immediately accosted by a group of autograph hounds. He patiently signed them all, until he saw Starrett’s face in the crowd. “Oh God, kid, will you give me a break?” he pleaded, before turning on his heal and walking away. “Shane, come back! Come back, Shane!” yelled Starrett before Pirate security escorted him from the premises.
NEW PITTSBURGH BISHOP GREETS HIS FLOCK AT PRESS CONFERENCE, SAYS 'I'M A PITTSBURGHER'
Zubic makes Sign of the Cross, says "Peace be with yinz"
UNATTENDED SALAD PROMPTS COURTHOUSE ALERT
PITTSBURGH -- A salad left unattended in a bag under a restroom sink prompted the closing of the Grant Street entrance to the Allegheny County Courthouse, and the evacuation of county Chief Executive Dan Onorato's office for about one hour Tuesday afternoon.Two bomb-sniffing dogs were sent in to the ground floor ladies room after a paper bag was spotted around 1:20 p.m. Officials said the dogs immediately turned up their noses after a few whiffs and that’s how they knew the bag contained a salad.
“Dusty and Princess loathe salads, especially Catalina dressing,” Allegheny County Police Commander Muck Henson explained.
The alert was lifted by 2:20 p.m. after Henson consumed the salad. “I couldn’t see throwing it out,” he said.
Henson said he ordered the evacuation as a precaution. The restroom is directly below Mr. Onorato's office. Henson quickly pointed out, “There is no peep hole in Onorato’s office for him to look into the ladies room.”
NEW BISHOP TO LEAD PITTSBURGH DIOCESE
Russ Grimm apparently thought the job was hisAfter weeks of speculation and predictions on talks shows from Eternal World Television to Word FM, the Pittsburgh Diocese will introduce Bishop David Zubik, 57, as its newest Bishop at a press conference today.
The Pittsburgh Diocese has had only three bishops in the past 38 years and is considered one of the best positions in all of Christendom because of its stability and for the way it’s run. Zubik most recent position was in another city rich in Catholic tradition, Green Bay.
Diocesan spokesman Ronald Lengwin said that although Zubik will undoubtedly bring his own style of leadership, there will not be a dramatic change in the stewardship of the local Church.
“Our philosophy is simple,” he said. “Feed the poor. Educate the children. Forgive sins. And change bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ. That's what we do. And that's the kind of no-nonsense, tough-nosed Pittsburgh Catholicism our congregations expect.”
Some observers feel that Zubik will have big shoes to fill, coming to Pittsburgh after the departure of future Hall of Famer Bishop Donald Wuerl. But Lengwin insists that he doesn’t expect any drop off in attendance or evangelism.
“We're not rebuilding. We're reloading,” he said.
Lengwin does concede that with many priests in the Diocese nearing retirement age, this particular group’s window of opportunity for spreading Christ’s message is closing.
The word among church officials is that Bishop Zubik is very traditional, preferring incense every Sunday. Some observers feel that his defense-against-the-devil-first system might not sit well with some of the more free-wheeling priests in the Diocese who like to show off their offensive skills during sermons. But Bishop Zubik also has a reputation for being a “priest’s bishop,” who is popular among the clergy in the sanctuary.
ZUBIK NAMED BISHOP OF PITTSBURGH, RUSS GRIMM LOSES OUT AGAIN
CONTRACT INCLUDES SIGNING BONUS, PERFORMANCE INCENTIVES; BISHOP PROMISES TOUGH TRAINING CAMP
PITTSBURGHERS REACT TO NEWS THAT ZUBIK NAMED BISHOP OF PITTSBURGH
On Wednesday morning when Mayor Ravenstahl first heard the news that Bishop Zubik, a Sewickley native, would be Pittsburgh's next Bishop, he asked staff members, " Do you know if he still has his Heights Country Club membership?"
JAPAN ROCKED BY EARTHQUAKES, TOKYO UNDER 'GODZILLA WATCH'
TOKYO - Governor Shintaro Ishihara has placed the entire city of Tokyo under a Godzilla Watch following two massive earthquakes that rocked the northwestern coast of the country.
A Godzilla watch is different from a Godzilla warning. A Godzilla warning means there is a possibility of Godzilla activity in your area. A Godzilla watch means the arrival of Godzilla is imminent, and citizens should take appropriate defensive measures.
“Godzilla is a notoriously light sleeper,” explained Ishihara. “The intensity of these earthquakes virtually guarantees the disruption of the monster’s slumber. And, as we have all seen time and again, when he is awakened, he is angry.”
Scientists say the monster’s anger usually manifests itself in the destruction of entire cities, with significant collateral damage visited upon the Japanese armed forces. Ishihara said he has recommended tactical changes to the officers in charge of protecting Tokyo.
“In the past, we have lined up all of our tanks in a row to concentrate firepower on the monster. However, this has only made it easier for him to crush entire divisions with one well-placed step of his enormous foot. I think we need to take a less linear approach in our battle positions.”
A spokesman for the Imperial Army said the Japanese joint chiefs have taken the Governor’s concerns under advisement. “Our primary concern right now is getting in touch with Godzilla’s mortal foe, Mothra,” said the spokesman. “That is our only chance for survival.” Attempts to reach Mothra remain unanswered at press time.
POLICE STILL LOOKING FOR PARKWAY WEST STONE THROWER
People who live in glass houses named as "persons of interest"
PITTSBURGH SEEKS ARAB LEAGUE EXPANSION FRANCHISE
PITTSBURGH, Pa. - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that Pittsburgh has submitted the paperwork to apply for one of two expansion franchises to be awarded by the Arab League next year. Pittsburgh joins London, Paris and Las Vegas, which are also vying for a franchise.
Establish in 1945, the 22-member Arab League has not expanded since the island nation of Comoros was awarded a franchise in 1993. The league’s commissioner, Amr Moussa, says Pittsburgh may have a tough time competing with the other cities.
Establish in 1945, the 22-member Arab League has not expanded since the island nation of Comoros was awarded a franchise in 1993. The league’s commissioner, Amr Moussa, says Pittsburgh may have a tough time competing with the other cities.
“Small market cities like Pittsburgh don’t have the Arab population that a London and a Paris does,” said Moussa through an interpreter, “And, Las Vegas is practically a middle eastern country already – it’s a desert, a lot of angry people are crammed in there. All they need is a little more sectarian violence and it could pass for Baghdad.”
Ravenstahl is undeterred. “We’ll truck in sand and build them a new Mosque if we have to,” the Mayor explained. “Did I mention that we’re the most livable city?”
The mayor is expected to tap perennial head-of-a-group-seeking-a-franchise, former County Executive Jim Roddy, to lead the ownership team that would also include Mark Cuban, Howard Baldwin and Jim Balsillie. “I just got to sell those guys on the idea of wearing a keffiyeh and, of course, get them to pay the franchise fee. But that should be no problem because I have a way with people, you know.”
The mayor said he would leave it up to them if they wanted to convert to Islam.
LOCAL JUDGE RULES WITNESS IN MURDER CASE WASN'T HYPNOTIZED
BUT JUDGE JEFFREY MANNING TELLS JURY TO DISREGARD PORTION OF TRIAL WHERE SOMEONE RANG BELL AND WITNESS THOUGHT HE WAS A PENGUIN
REPUBLICAN MAYORAL CANDIDATE MARK DeSANTIS VOWS THAT, IF ELECTED, HE WILL REJECT GIFTS EVEN FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS
"Accepting gifts from any interested party is unacceptable," DeSantis said."I've already told people: forget about my birthday, forget about Christmas,don't even try to give me a compliment."
BONDS SPEAKS TO REPORTERS, SELF
SAN FRANCISCO - With reporters present in the San Francisco Giants' locker room, Barry Bonds called himself an "embarrassment," "juicer," and "melon-headed douche bag." Then, his features changed and in a completely different voice he answered himself, "No Barry, you're a superstar." Bonds then convulsed and seemed surprised to see the reporters standing there. He angrily flipped a laundry cart in the locker room and stalked away.
VITTER DENIES CHARGES
METAIRIE, La. - Sen. David Vitter appears with his wife Wendy and his spiritual advisor, the Rev. Superfly McGee, to deny charges that he frequented prostitutes in several states.
VITTER MEETS PRESS
METAIRIE, La. - Sen. David Vitter and his wife address the press and deny reports that he had relationships with New Orleans prostitutes. Last week, Vitter admitted having a "deep and satisfying relationship" with a Washington escort service that federal prosecutors allege was a prostitution ring.
AL QAEDA RELAXES DRESS CODE; MEMBERS PERMITTED TO WEAR BUSINESS CASUAL ON FRIDAYS FOR REMAINDER OF SUMMER
PESHAWAR - A videotape of Osama Bin Laden was played on Al Jazeera this morning in which the elusive Al Qaeda leader was seen exhorting all members to dress down on Fridays for the remainder of the summer. It was the first time Bin Laden has been seen in over a year. The undated video, which ran for nearly one minute, showed Bin Laden leaning against a rock, wearing a pair of Chino slacks and penny loafers. A sweater was tied loosely around his neck. He was holding a golf club.
“Brothers, while we must persevere in our efforts to vanquish the infidel, we must also take time for ourselves,” said Bin Laden. “At the end of a long week, the last thing you want to do is get up and put on a tie. Get yourself a nice pair of shorts, and a couple of Polo Shirts, and you’ll be surprised how much your performance at work improves.” Bin Laden went on to cite several studies from the Harvard Business School to support his remarks before the tape ended.
Intelligence officials were busy reviewing the tape and would not comment on its authenticity. One CIA analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the relaxation of the Al Qaeda dress code was being used as a recruitment tool for new members. “Al Qaeda is behind the curve when it comes to these things,” he said. “Hamas offers its members up to fourteen paid vacation days, and two personal days each year. And Hezbollah sends each members family a complimentary goat at the end of Ramadan.” The official added that unless Al Qaeda completely revamped its compensation and benefits package, it could run out of terrorists within three years.
TO AVOID ROCK SLIDES AND ROAD CLOSURES, MORE AND MORE COMMUTERS ARE SWIMMING TO WORK DOWNTOWN
Swimmers say they're getting to work faster, despite backups at PennDOT's orange buoys
MISS PENNSYLVANIA UNDER FIRE FOR LACK OF RACY PHOTOS
Pageant directors worry that "lack of slutty Facebook pics," "no media buzz," give local contestant little shot at Miss America crown
THIS YEAR'S GRAND PRIX FEATURED VINTAGE PORT-A-POTTIES, TOO
Race organizers say they've never left Schenley Park looking greener
DIPPY THE DINOSAUR FINALLY WAKES UP AFTER ANTHROCON CONVENTION BLOW-OUT
"I'm not sure about everything that happened, but I think I had a good time," bleary-eyed reptile says
Miss Tehran to Keep Crown, But Have Hand Cut Off
TEHRAN -- The board of the Miss Tehran Beauty Pageant yesterday said they would allow current title holder Banafsheh Khamenei to retain her crown, despite photographs that show her in compromising positions.Miss Tehran had been under attack after receiving a package of photos that showed her with an exposed left ankle, and another in which the outline of one of her arms is clearly visible through her chador.
“I would like to thank the pageant board for giving me this second chance,” Miss Khamenei said while being led away by a swordsman who had been instructed to lop off her left hand.
The photos, originally posted on her MyMartyrs.com site, have since been taken down.
She admitted that her left ankle accidentally became exposed while she was attempting to persuade a city policeman to unlock the doors of a burning all-girls school, despite religious prohibitions for unescorted women to roam the streets of the city. The other photo, giving a clear outline of her arm, was blamed on the wind.
“In short, it was the Almighty’s judgment that her arm be revealed, like some common whore. Clearly, He intended some punishment, all praises be to Allah,” said one of the judges.
Miss Khamenei won the crown in April after wowing the judges with a Beethoven piano sonata in the talent portion of the competition.
'DC Madame' Scandal Widens, Directory Assistance Implicated
WASHINGTON -- The number of high-profile figures ensnared in the so- called 'DC Madame' sex scandal grew yesterday when Directory Assistance issued a statement acknowledging that its number -- 555-1212 -- was among those repeatedly dialed from the phone of accused madame Deborah Jeane Palfrey. The number "turns up repeatedly, almost serially, in every year from 2001 to 2006," according to a statement by prosecutors. Apparently, Directory Assistance was dialed not only in the District of Columbia, but also in numerous other areas, including Northern Virginia, Maryland, Florida, New York and California.
"I am ashamed to say that I had frequent contact with Miss Palfrey, as her telephone records indicate," Directory Assistance said in a statement faxed, collect, to The Associated Press. The statement insisted that "although I offer no defense for these calls, at the time the earliest ones were made, I had simply hoped to secure an escort for a formal occasion when AT&T acquired Sprint."
A prosecutor, who spoke on condition of anonymity citing the sheer fun of being in the newspaper anonymously, said investigators have serious doubts that the contact was casual.
"This appears to be far from a one-way business arrangement," the prosecutor said. "On the occasion of almost every call after the third one, we have records indicating that Miss Palfrey paid the recipient of these calls amounts ranging from 75 cents in 2001 to as much as $1.25 in the later years. Somebody was doing some heavy business here and we intend to get to the bottom of it."
ARCHDIOCESE OF LOS ANGELES TO PAY $660 MILLION TO SETTLE SEX ABUSE CLAIMS
"We don't want these people to feel like victims anymore," said Cardinal Roger Mahony. "We want them to feel like prostitutes."
AL QAIDA RELEASES VIDEO OF HOSTAGE WILEY COYOTE
In this image from Al-Qaida's recently released video, Ayman al-Zawahri, gestures as to the fate of American captive Wiley E. Coyote. Coyote's employer, The Acme Corporation, has reportedly sent a team to drop an anvil on al-Zawahri should negotiations to secure Coyote's release fail.
Study reveals teens are having less sex
Drop due to sex abstinence programs, and a particularly unattractive generation of teenagers
TRIP TO HOLLYWOOD RUINS THE MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE FOR JUDGE PECKHAM
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - I am in Los Angeles to serve as keynote speaker for the annual Simulated News Convention, and my hosts were gracious enough to "show me the town."
Unfortunately, my stay here has destroyed the motion picture experience for me, and it is unlikely I will ever go to the movies again.
For starters, I learned that the sound stage where Dr. Phil is taped, which was also the sound stage used for Soul Train, was one of the sound stages used for The Godfather. The sign on the wall attests to the motion pictures filmed in this building. When I realized that Dr. Phil defiles the building where the Corleones' story was told, I literally vomited.
Second, I learned that the parting of Red Sea in Ten Commandments occurred in a four foot deep pool (scenes in Star Trek IV and The Truman Show were also filmed there). This wading pool, clearly visible from Melrose Avenue, doubles as -- a parking lot. Sadly, the book of Exodus will never be the same for me.
Finally, I learned that Gotham City Hall used in the old Batman television series also served as the site where Frank Sinatra sang "Chicago -- My Kind of Town" in Robin and the Seven Hoods. The incongruity of the two kept me awake all last night, and I doubt I will ever make sense of it.
Unfortunately, my stay here has destroyed the motion picture experience for me, and it is unlikely I will ever go to the movies again.
For starters, I learned that the sound stage where Dr. Phil is taped, which was also the sound stage used for Soul Train, was one of the sound stages used for The Godfather. The sign on the wall attests to the motion pictures filmed in this building. When I realized that Dr. Phil defiles the building where the Corleones' story was told, I literally vomited.
Second, I learned that the parting of Red Sea in Ten Commandments occurred in a four foot deep pool (scenes in Star Trek IV and The Truman Show were also filmed there). This wading pool, clearly visible from Melrose Avenue, doubles as -- a parking lot. Sadly, the book of Exodus will never be the same for me.Finally, I learned that Gotham City Hall used in the old Batman television series also served as the site where Frank Sinatra sang "Chicago -- My Kind of Town" in Robin and the Seven Hoods. The incongruity of the two kept me awake all last night, and I doubt I will ever make sense of it.
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