"All these damn computers, I don't know what half of them do," said NASA Director Dr. Noah Swayne
COMPUTER SET TO FLY ON NEXT SHUTTLE WAS SABOTAGED, BUT NASA WILL GO AHEAD WITH FLIGHT BEAUSE 'WE'VE GOT TOO MANY COMPUTERS AS IT IS'
"All these damn computers, I don't know what half of them do," said NASA Director Dr. Noah Swayne
REPORT SHOWS SOME ASTRONAUTS WERE DRUNK ON FLIGHTS
As Neil Armstrong staggered down the ladder to the moon, he actually said: "That's one small wobble and lurch for man, one giant stumble for mankind."
OSCAR THE CAT INDICTED ON 25 COUNTS OF MURDER
Rhode Island feline seen carrying syringes into elderly patients' rooms shortly before they died; prosecutors believe they were revenge killings for all the cats "put down" over time
PENGUINS JORDAN STAAL ARRESTED OVER PARTY NOISE
Team officials say that Staal and friends were playing Barney CD's at sleepover
AUX. BISHOP BRADLEY LOSES DIOCESE TOP JOB TO ZUBIK, HOLDS LAST PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE 'YOU DON'T HAVE BRADLEY TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE'
PITTSBURGH - Auxiliary Bishop Paul Bradley, who has been the interim administrator of the Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh since July 2006, held what many present described as a bizarre news conference this morning, his first meeting with the press since being passed over for Bishop of the Diocese. Green Bay Bishop David Zubik was named Bishop last week and will be installed in September.
Bradley arrived at the Diocesan auditorium ten minutes late, striding to the podium sweating profusely. Witnesses say he was sporting a heavy five o'clock shadow and his eyes were "shifty." Some Vatican watchers have opined that Bradley's lack of television appeal cost him the election to the tan, confident Bishop Zubik.
Bradley started to read a prepared statement: "Last week, the entire Diocese of Pittsburgh thrilled to the news from the Vatican that its native son David Zubik will return . . . ." Suddenly, Bradley looked up and stared straight ahead for what seemed an eternity. Then he slowly ripped up the prepared remarks. "I think we've all heard enough about David Kubik; I don't want to talk about David Zubik today, OK? This is about Paul Bradley." Bradley paused and took a drink of water.
"And I remember my old man. I think that they would have called him sort of a little man, a common man. He didn't consider himself that way. He had a lemon ranch. It was the poorest lemon ranch in California, I can assure you. But he was a great man. And Paul Bradley is a great man, too, regardless of what a bunch of wine drinking, opera lovers in Rome might think. Well, for 14 months, ever since Bishop Wuerl left, you've had a lot of fun, a lot of fun attacking me and I think I've given as good as I've taken. I hope that what I have to say today will at least make the press recognize that they have this responsibility: if you give the interim Diocesan administrator the shaft, at least assign one lonely reporter who will report what he says now and then, would you please?
"As I leave you, I want you to know one thing: just think how much you're going to be missing. You don't have Bradley to kick around anymore. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference. Thank you, gentlemen and good day."
Bradley abruptly left the podium without acknowledging the stunned members of the media. One Vatican insider said that Bradley has written his own ecclesiastical obituary.
AUNT PENNY INDICTED IN DOGFIGHTING CASE; FEDS CALL ELDERLY AUTOMOBILE PITCHWOMAN SADISTIC CRIMINAL MASTERMIND
PITTSBURGH - A federal grand jury has indicted Aunt Penny, long-time spokeswoman for Kenny Ross and Sons, a Pittsburgh automobile dealership, on charges of operating a dogfighting ring based at a property she owns in southeastern Virginia.According to information provided to the IRS on her most recent tax returns, the property in question was used exclusively for the production and distribution of her legendary elderberry preserves. U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan announced the indictment at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “We believe Aunt Penny is the mastermind behind a vast criminal enterprise that subjects animals to inhumane and barbarous treatment for profit. Today, we’re putting her out of business.”
If convicted, Aunt Penny could face up to six years in prison and a three-hundred and fifty thousand dollar fine. Buchanan refused to confirm reports that Aunt Penny recruited Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick to assist her in running the dogfighting ring. Aunt Penny and Vick enjoyed a brief, but torrid relationship during Vick’s rookie season. A federal grand jury in Richmond indicted Vick on similar charges last week.
A spokesman for Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet issued a statement last evening. “We are shocked and dismayed that a member of our organization could be implicated in such nefarious activities. Nonetheless, this is America, and Aunt Penny hasn’t been convicted of any crime. We urge all of our customers to give her the benefit of the doubt pending a full and fair recitation of the facts at trial.”
INTERNATIONAL ASTRONOMICAL UNION CLASSIFIES UPMC AS 'SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE'
AIU CITES HEALTH CARE BEHEMOTH'S EXTREME PROPENSITY TO ATTRACT, GOBBLE UP OTHER HOSPITALS
"CHEESE" OUT, "TEA" IN AS LATEST TEEN DRUG CRAZE
Parents told to watch for warning signs: discarded leaves,swollen nostrils, excessive whistling
MAN SENT TO JAIL FOR IMPERSONATING STEELERS AGAIN
PITTSBURGH - Brian Jackson of Brentwood was sentenced to 90 days in jail for impersonating Steelers tight end Jerame Tuman. In 2005, Jackson was also charged with impersonating Ben Roethlisberger and his backup, Brian St. Pierre, to meet and date women.Tuman and Roethlisberger had no comment, although St. Pierre still expressed some bitterness. “He's out there [having sex] as Brian St. Pierre,” complained the third string QB. “I can't even get [to fornicate] as Brian St. Pierre!”
IAN SNELL FINALLY SNAPS
Police surround PNC Park as the Pirates' ace takes teammates hostage.The pitcher's demands include that the team must trade for two hitters with averages over .300. And no more "You shook me all night long" played between innings.
Guest Commentary by Justice Harry Blackmun: Excessive Shaking at Ballpark Urinal is Appalling
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I rarely have occasion to utilize a crowded public restroom, but in the seventh inning stretch of last Sunday's game between the Pirates and the Astros at Pittsburgh's PNC Park, I strolled down from the Carbolic Smoke Ball box behind home plate to visit with vendor T.C. Congdon, who was working near the visitor's dugout. (Whenever I am in town, I confer with Mr. Congdon on cases pending before the United States Supreme Court.) Before venturing back upstairs, I decided to stop at the restroom, an experience that is forever etched into my memory. While I was standing at the urinal, two college-aged men assumed spots at the urinals immediately to my right. They were conversing in the inane style of that age group, peppering every sentence of their idiotic dialogue with the word "like." They prattled on about mammary glands and the female canal leading from the uterus, undoubtedly the only biological concepts of which they have any understanding. When they had finished emptying what once was illegally imbibed beer from their underaged bladders, one of the young men immediately fled out the door in the de rigueur fashion of that age group without washing his hands. My mind instinctively conjured up all manner of hideous scenario involving those bacteria-laden claws groping some unsuspecting young woman.
As repellent as that spectacle was, it was nothing compared to what was about to occur. The other young man, the one immediately next to me, proceeded to perform an act that can only be described as appalling.
Please understand that at all pertinent times, in accordance with proper urinal etiquette, my eyes were pointed straight ahead. But damn my peripheral vision! Despite my best efforts, I could not help but notice that when the young man had finished his task, he began to shake his instrument as is customary in such circumstances. I shall spare our female readers excessive description of this strange male ritual, but suffice it to say that the maximum allowable shakes is four. There is ample Supreme Court precedent to that effect.
But this particular young man did not stop at four. He did four, then seven, then -- I stopped counting. Worse, he was not content with merely shaking it. It became a sort of whip as he spastically snapped it forward with such rapidity that I seriously thought it would generate a sonic boom, the first body part to break the sound barrier.
Somewhere in the course of this horror show, he began to twirl the offending appendage in a manner usually reserved for the tassels of busty female strippers. I wish I could say that the spray did not splatter my glasses but that would be untrue.
There was, of course, no legitimate reason for this revolting display of penile calisthenics. I could not help but think that this urinal, constructed to serve a useful purpose, had been transmogrified into a near-occasion of sin.
Thankfully, I was able to depart the room without further witness to this nauseating exhibition. For all I know, the boy is still in there shaking away.
You see, it isn't enough that the members of this generation of nitwits have desecrated the English language, abandoned religion because it does not add to their immediate gratification (and because religion disapproves of conduct that does add to their immediate gratification), and transformed their wholesale lack of taste in music, literature, art and motion pictures into the very engines that drive capitalism. No, this young man's misconduct was an example of the singular failing that invariably signals the decline and eventual collapse of a great society: ignorance of proper urinal etiquette.
I am sorry to say we are doomed. And the Pirates lost to the Astros, 1-0.
The Hon. Harry Blackmun,
Associate Justice, United States Supreme Court
Excerpted from a speech delivered to the Pennsylvania Bar Institute.
UNABLE TO FIND SOUL MATE AT E-HARMONY.COM, BIN LADEN ISSUES FATWA AGAINST DR. NEIL CLARK WARREN
PESHAWAR - After repeatedly failing to find his soul mate on E-Harmony.Com, a frustrated Osama Bin Laden has issued a fatwa against E-Harmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren. Mr. Bin Laden announced the fatwa in a videotape broadcast this morning on the al-Jazeera network.“They promised me this would be an everlasting love,” said an angry Bin Laden. “They haven’t delivered on that promise.” E-Harmony, America ’s most trusted relationship service, has been in business for over seventy-five years. Some of the more notable couples matched through E-Harmony’s patented compatibility matching system are Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline, and Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun.
Joe Dunn, a spokesman for E-Harmony, said Mr. Bin Laden’s answers to some of the questions on his E-Harmony Compatibility Profile have been “sort of a red flag” to prospective mates. “For instance, when asked what he’s looking for in a woman, Mr. Bin Laden replied ‘total subservience, and the ability to keep a clean cave.’ A lot of women see that and think, hey, I don’t know anything about cleaning caves.”
Dunn said Dr. Warren has gone into hiding. “He’s staying at the same place Rushdie stayed when the Ayatollah issued a fatwa against him.” When asked if he meant the Super Eight Motel on Route 8, Dunn raised a finger to his lips. “Shhhh,” he said.
MARLEE MATLIN LANDS ROLE OF DEAF WOMAN ON UPCOMING LAW & ORDER EPISODE
HOLLYWOOD - In a casting coup that has the entertainment industry buzzing, Marlee Matlin has been tapped to play a deaf prosecutor on an upcoming Law & Order. After reading the script, her agent, Larry Nydes, felt that she was perfect for the part.
“Everything about this character made me think this role would really suit Marlee. The sensitivity of the prosecutor. Her courtroom presence. Her insightful nature. And, of course, her deafness.”
Nydes also thought this role gave his client a chance to expand her repertoire a bit. “Marlee has recently played a deaf doctor on ER, a deaf card dealer on Las Vegas, and a deaf teacher on the King of Queens. So it’s nice to let her stretch herself creatively with a new role like this.”
When Law & Order casting director Bill Hughes was asked what part of the script made him think of Matlin, he said he really hadn’t read the script yet when he made the inquiry about her availability. “Uh, honestly, I just saw ‘FEMALE-LEAD, DEAF’ and made the call for Marlee.”
Although most industry observers applaud the move, some other deaf actresses, such as Leslie Garrison, expressed frustration. “I’m tired of it,” signed Garrison. “Every single deaf female role goes to her. She’s not the only actress in town. I can act as well as her. And I can certainly not hear as well as her.”
“Everything about this character made me think this role would really suit Marlee. The sensitivity of the prosecutor. Her courtroom presence. Her insightful nature. And, of course, her deafness.”
Nydes also thought this role gave his client a chance to expand her repertoire a bit. “Marlee has recently played a deaf doctor on ER, a deaf card dealer on Las Vegas, and a deaf teacher on the King of Queens. So it’s nice to let her stretch herself creatively with a new role like this.”
When Law & Order casting director Bill Hughes was asked what part of the script made him think of Matlin, he said he really hadn’t read the script yet when he made the inquiry about her availability. “Uh, honestly, I just saw ‘FEMALE-LEAD, DEAF’ and made the call for Marlee.”
Although most industry observers applaud the move, some other deaf actresses, such as Leslie Garrison, expressed frustration. “I’m tired of it,” signed Garrison. “Every single deaf female role goes to her. She’s not the only actress in town. I can act as well as her. And I can certainly not hear as well as her.”
CONSUMER ALERT: COMPANY RECALLS COLLAR BOMBS DUE TO PREMATURE DETONATION MALFUNCTION
“We had a complaint from a customer in Erie. So, we thought it would be a good idea to pull it off the market temporarily.” -- Noah Swayne, CEO, Acme Collar Bomb Company
TOMLIN SAYS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAS AUTHORIZED USE OF TORTURE IN TRAINING CAMP; GONZALES MEMO KEY TO NEW PRACTICE METHODS
LATROBE, Pa. - Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin claims that the United States Department of Justice has given him authorization to use torture as a means of preparing the team for the upcoming season.
Coach Tomlin told reporters that torture will be a key component of training camp, which began Monday. “I asked for, and received, a memo from Attorney General Gonzales outlining the specific circumstances in which a football coach could use torture, and how I would be legally bound by such conduct,” said Tomlin. “In light of the fact that we failed to make the playoffs last season, the Attorney General gave my request expedited review. In short, he told me ‘do whatever you have to do to get back to the post-season.’ And that’s what I intend to do.”
Tomlin’s new approach is a departure from the one used by his predecessor, former Coach Bill Cowher, who repeatedly declared “We do not torture, except when we make you sit through my weekly press conference.” Players and coaches were scheduled to arrive by three o’clock Monday afternoon. Former Abu Ghraib prison guard and dog-handler Lynndie England will arrive by Wednesday. “I’ll be using Lynndie to help players stay awake during meetings, among other things,” said Tomlin. Asked if he would consider having players strip naked and build a human pyramid, the coach said he wouldn’t rule it out. “We’re trying to win a championship. We’re going to do whatever it takes.”
STEELERS, POLAMALU AGREE ON HAIR EXTENSIONS
Deal reportedly for 5 inches, $50,000 worth of product per year
ONORATO CAVES IN TO ACTIVISTS OVER GEESE SLAUGHTER, RETAINS MICHAEL VICK TO ORGANIZE 'GEESE FIGHTING' CONTESTS 'TO GIVE THE BIRDS A FIGHTING CHANCE'
"THEY'LL ONLY BE DESTROYED IF THEY LOSE, SO YOU SEE WE'RE SAVING HALF THE GEESE," SAYS COUNTY'S TOP EXEC
HARRY POTTER'S FATHER REVEALS HE'S ALIVE
POTTER DAD WAS HOLED UP IN BEDFORD FALLS FOR NINETEEN YEARS, THE RICHEST AND MEANEST MAN IN THE COUNTY
SUPERINTENDENT ROOSEVELT PUTS THE 'PUBIC' BACK IN TITLE FOR PITTSBURGH SCHOOLS
SCHOOLS CHIEF SAYS HE DIDN'T REALIZE THINGS WOULD GET SO HAIRY FOR HIM WHEN HE REMOVED IT
TOMLIN TOUGHENS UP TRAINING CAMP REGIMEN FOR ST. VINCENT’S MONKS
Under Cowher, monks could report to Chapel as late as 4 AM; now they’ll be expected at 2 AM for stretching and light prayersLATROBE -- When the Mike Tomlin era begins today at St. Vincent’s College, Steeler players won’t be the only ones to notice a difference in the schedule and intensity of camp. “With all due respect, I think the Benedictines have become a little complacent in the last few years,” Tomlin said. “I want them to come out of training camp as a unified, hardened group. I put a great deal of time into developing a new regimen for them. Monastic traditions may go back hundreds of years, but those traditions don't help this sorry, tired order today. If the Franciscans or the Jesuits or the Capuchins come along and challenge our Benedictines, I want my monks to be prepared to whip their asses.”
Archabbot Douglas Nowicki was taken aback by Tomlin’s comments. “Mike seemed happy with our work at mini-camp, so this comes as something as a surprise. Plus he has to remember that we don’t get a fresh group of draftees in here every year. Most of the monks are as old as Dan Rooney.”
When told of the Archabbot’s comments, Tomlin replied, “I know it’s not going to be comfortable for them, but they’ll thank me when Holy Week rolls around and they have to perform every single day, not just on Sundays.”
Fr. Nowicki said his monks started praying for Tomlin as soon as Tomlin announced his plans for them. “We’re praying that he’ll reconsider his decision. Barring that, we’re asking God to physically, and with tremendous force, knock some sense into him on our behalf, like He did to St. Paul on the road to Damascus.”
CONCERTINA WIRE GOING UP AROUND ST. VINCENT'S AS TOMLIN PREPARES FOR FIRST TRAINING CAMP AS STEELERS' HEAD COACH
"I want the men to know there's a new sheriff in town, and camp's not going to be like it was under that wuss Cowher"
SPOILER ALERT: WE REPRINT THE LAST PAGE OF THE FINAL 'HARRY POTTER' BOOK HERE
Harry paced back and forth in the dimly lit office, every so often stopping to look out onto the Lake. By now, the desolate compound more closely resembled a tomb than the most prestigious property on Lake Tahoe.
As Harry's bodyguard Al Neri commandeered the motor boat onto the Lake, Ron Weasley started reciting Hail Mary's to insure the success of their fishing expedition. While Ron was praying with his back to Neri, Neri pulled out a pistol and fired a single shot to Ron's head. Harry stopped pacing when he heard the muffled blast and lowered his head. But after all, Harry knew it was Ron who had betrayed him, Ron broke his heart.
Meanwhile, at the Miami Airport, Hyman Roth Dumbledore, the self-proclaimed retired Jewish investor and wizard living on a pension, was holding an impromptu press conference on his return from Israel when a man posing as a reporter -- one of Harry's men -- pulled out a gun and fired it directly at Dumbledore's chest. With all the skill of a great method actor, Dumbledore fell to the ground. At almost that precise moment, Frankie "Severus Snape" Pentangeli, who had become a liability to Harry in protective federal custody, slit his wrists in a bathtub.
As for Hermione, she was on an airplane heading somewhere far from Harry, fully aware that his fury could never subside over her revelation that she had had an abortion, and that it was a son.
Harry absent-mindedly stroked the scar on his forehead. The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well.
'ACTING PRESIDENT' CHENEY REFUSES TO RETURN POWER TO BUSH FOLLOWING PRESIDENT'S COLONOSCOPY
"The President is not to resume power until he is fully aware of what's going on around him. Based on Mr. Bush's history, I'm afraid it's unlikely power will ever be returned to him. I'm in charge here now."
BUSH NAMES SHAFT SPECIAL ENVOY TO AFRICA; BLACK PRIVATE DICK WILL WORK FOR RESOLUTION TO DARFUR REFUGEE CRISIS
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush appointed John Shaft, the black private dick and sex machine to all the chicks as his special envoy to the continent of Africa today. Mr. Shaft will meet with U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon in New York tomorrow before flying to Sudan for a series of meetings designed to resolve the refugee crisis in Darfur.
Mr. Bush made the announcement in a Rose Garden ceremony this morning, flanked by Vice President Dick Cheney and Mr. Shaft. “It is time to send the Brother Man to the Mother Land,” said the President. “Although Mr. Shaft will be working under trying conditions, I think we can all agree that John’s a cat who won’t cop out when there’s danger all about.”
Members of the press nodded in agreement. Sensing he had struck a responsive chord, the President shook his head and grinned. “Man, this cat Shaft is a bad mutha.” His off-color remark was quickly interrupted by the Vice President. “Shut your mouth!” Bush appeared surprised by Cheney’s admonishment. He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m just talking about Shaft.”
When asked for details about Shaft’s qualifications for such a high-profile diplomatic position, Bush spoke for several minutes in an attempt to reassure everyone that he had named the right man for the job. “He’s a complicated man, and no one understands him ‘cept his woman,” before adding, “and me.” Following Shaft’s trip to Africa, Shaft will return for Shaft’s Big Score.
EARTHQUAKE HITS SAN FRANCISCO BAY, ALCATRAZ FORCED TO RELEASE INMATES
AL CAPONE REPORTEDLY HEADED TO CHICAGO TO REBUILD CRIME EMPIRE BASED ON TRAFFICKING OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES; NATIONAL AVIARY ON HIGH ALERT BECAUSE 'BIRDMAN' ROBERT STROUD IS AT LARGE
PIRATES' BAD LUCK CONTINUES, FIRST-ROUND PICK TEARS LIGAMENTS IN ELBOW SIGNING CONTRACT
PITTSBURGH - The bad luck that has plagued one of baseball’s oldest franchises continued yesterday when Pirates' first round draft pick Daniel Moskos tore ligaments in his elbow while signing his first professional contract. Moskos, a left-handed relief pitcher from Clemson University , grimaced as soon as he put down his pen. He arose from his seat holding his arm, in obvious pain. General manager Dave Littlefield was observed heading toward his office with a revolver and a bottle of Jack Daniels. A preliminary diagnosis by team physicians revealed extensive damage to the ulnar collateral ligament. The newest injured pitcher on the Pirates staff has an appointment with Dr. James Andrews at his Birmingham, Alabama office Friday morning. Dr. Andrews is renowned for performing the so-called “Tommy John” surgery, named after the former Dodger pitcher who sawed off his elbow in a tragic brush-clearing accident.
Moskos said he knew something was wrong as soon as he began his signature. “I felt the pop in my left elbow just as I began making a capital D,” said the disappointed hurler. “I guess I should have printed my name, instead of using cursive.” Moskos later admitted he didn’t warm up properly before attempting cursive. “I guess that’s the kind of thing that comes with big league experience,” he lamented. “I’ll remember that when I sign the big free agent contract that takes me out of here.”
BIN LADEN PLUGS NEW AL-QAIDA VIDEO URGING MARTYRS TO DESTROY AMERICA AT TV CRITICS' SUMMER PRESS TOUR
LOS ANGELES - Osama bin Laden made a surprise appearance at the TV critics summer press tour, spicing up what most attendees say has been an unusually ho-hum affair.You may disagree with his politics, but you've got to admit bin Laden knows how to make an entrance. At the end of the trailer for bin Laden's latest video urging "death to America" -- which, incidentally, drew a mixed reaction from the critics (review tomorrow) -- 36 al-Qaida cheerleaders, clad in veils, took to the stage and danced to one of the world's longest production numbers. The women slinked and shimmied and teased in what an al-Qaida press release described as "precision jazz-based dancing." Finally it ended when they all landed on splits, and bin Laden unexpectedly rose from a trap in the floor amid smoke and fireworks. He strode to the lectern to a standing ovation.
Bin Laden started off, as is his custom, with a wisecrack. "Two of the girls in that last number pulled calf muscles," smirked the most fearsome terrorist on the planet. "Does anyone want to rub out their kinks?" The critics roared their approval. He proceeded to launch into another "death to America" diatribe but was interrupted by the best gag of the entire critics' tour: a man who was supposed to be Vice President Chaney in hunting gear (but who more closely resembled Elmer Fudd) ran onto the stage and pretended to fire at bin Laden. At first, the sound of gunshots was jarring, especially with al-Qaida in the room and all, but the gun supposedly backfired, killing the would-be shooter. The crowd of critics was not divided on this one: they lustily roared their approval. That's when the normally staid bin Laden himself couldn't contain his laughter. Finally, the press tour was fun again.
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