TEN YR OLD FLOOD AND M-D VICTIM JOEY SMITH ACCUSED OF "TELETHON DOUBLE DIPPING" -- TAKING FROM BOTH JERRY LEWIS AND KATRINA FUNDRAISER

JERRY LEWIS: "I'M ASHAMED THAT JOEY IS CRIPPLED."

NEW ORLEANS - When ten-year old muscular dystrophy victim Joey Smith was stranded with thousands of other New Orleans refugees in the Superdome last week in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, his wheelchair-bound condition elicited an outpouring of nationwide sympathy.

But sympathy has turned to outrage as Jerry Lewis accused Smith of "telethon double-dipping" by accepting substantial donations and lavish gifts from both Lewis' MDA organization and the Hurricane Katrina fundraiser that aired on NBC Friday night. "He's capitalizing on his condition to be 'made whole' twice. There's a word for people like Joey, and it's 'thief,'" said Lewis. Lewis added that Smith needs to make up his mind, "does Joey want to be one of 'Jerry's Kids' or does he want to be one of the so-called hurricane victims who didn't have the sense to come in out of the rain? If the latter, I'll buy Joey a f - - - - - - - umbrella."

Smith, contacted on his new yacht somewhere in the Caribbean, said that Lewis is just "a cranky old man" who has too much time on his hands. "Can I help it if the fat [expletive deleted] is still smarting because Dean dumped him?"

DEVASTATED, DEBRIS-FILLED NEW ORLEANS AFTER KATRINA LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE CLEVELAND

Vick Looks Forward to New Uniform

RICHMOND, Va. - After pleading guilty Monday to federal dogfighting charges, a contrite Michael Vick spoke to the media. "I used bad judgment, made bad decisions and am a bad motherf***er. I now know that getting caught for dogfighting is a terrible thing, and I do regret that aspect of it."

U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson accepted the plea by the Atlanta Falcons quarterback, then asked: "Are you entering the plea of guilty to a conspiracy charge because you are in fact guilty? Are you aware that this plea will most likely result in prison time? Do you know what the term 'doggy-style' means?" Vick replied, "Yes, sir," to each of the questions. Asked by Judge Hudson if he had any questions, Vick inquired, "Is cockfighting illegal?"

Vick's lawyer, Billy Martin, continued to criticize the efforts of "those meddling kids" from Mystery Inc whose efforts cracked the dogfighting ring.

Gonzales Takes Justice to a New Level

WASHINGTON - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, pictured above with his chief of staff Uncle Junior looking on, announced his resignation Monday saying he wanted to spend more time with Karl Rove's children and devote more time following his passion, dogfighting. When informed that dogfighting is illegal, Gonzales said, "I was not aware of that." Asked if he had ever attended a dogfight, he said, "I can't recall."

President Bush told reporters he had accepted the resignation reluctantly, "The country has lost the services of a great legal mind, not the bumbling idiot he appeared to be when speaking publicly. We will continue Alberto's good work of undermining 'unfortunate' portions of the constitution."

HEINZ DISSIDENT NELSON PELTZ PELTS COMPANY CEO WILLIAM JOHNSON WITH TOMATOES AT LA TOMATINA FESTIVAL

BUNOL, Spain - Billionaire investor and H.J. Heinz Company director Nelson Peltz took his long-running battle against Heinz to Buñol, Spain today for the annual tomato-throwing free-for-all known as La Tomatina festival. Peltz got wind that Heinz CEO William R. Johnson was heading to Buñol, so Peltz booked a jet to Spain, donned goggles and gloves, and bought up baskets of the toughest tomatoes he could find. Peltz refused to squash-up his tomatoes before entering the fray to make them softer, as is customary.

Peltz's spotters located Johnson, who was off in a corner of the town square laughing it up with friends. When the cannon fired to start the festivities, Peltz announced that Johnson was "my bitch," then he mercilessly let loose a barrage of tomato-fire at the CEO. Peltz's deadly aim repeatedly struck Johnson about the head and torso. The smile on Johnson's face gave way to a look of fear, and he quickly realized that this, not last year's proxy battle at the Heinz shareholder meeting, was the fight of his life. Johnson tried to run for cover, but he lost his footing and appeared to be dazed by a quick flurry of direct hits to the chin and left ear.

Peltz cackled with delight as Johnson leaned back against the ropes and put his arms in front of his face, the position of submission. Peltz proceeded to pummel him with tomatoes at close range for fifteen solid minutes.

But then, Peltz began to tire. He had used up his tomatoes, and even though Johnson's arms were caked in puree, the CEO was rested and relatively unscathed. Suddenly Johnson came off the ropes and lowered his arms from his face. He grabbed a handful of tomatoes and, with a furious second wind, landed a series of direct blows to Peltz's head. In less than fifteen seconds, a stunned Peltz staggered backward and fell to the ground unconscious. Spanish paramedics rushed him to a local hospital.

In the locker room later, a tired but elated Johnson told reporters that he had used the same "rope-a-dope" strategy to stave off Peltz's proxy fight at Heinz. Then Johnson declared: "I am the greatest heavyweight of all time."

SEN. CRAIG SWEARS ON REP. BARNEY FRANK'S CROTCH HE'S NOT GAY

COMING SOON TO A DAIRY CASE NEAR YOU: "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER" BUTTER

'MYSTERY SANDWICH' MAIN INGREDIENT FINALLY REVEALED AFTER DEATH OF LEGENDARY PITTSBURGH TAVERN OWNER JOE CHIODO

SEN. CRAIG: 'I WANTED TO NAIL THAT OFFICER, BUT NOT THE WAY YOU THINK'

Sen Craig: "I am Sooooo not gay

"WASHINGTON -- Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, today announced that he had completed a nationwide, undercover sting operation against a suspected ring of airport-based gay police officers he said have been cruising bathroom stalls.

"As part of my ongoing probe, I recently went so far as to pose as a Nancy Boy at the Minneapolis Airport where I was able to identify a homosexual undercover police officer who brazenly allowed me to tap his foot, peer into his stall and engage in hand signals," the senator announced. "As part of my undercover role, I was even able to penetrate the sanctum sanctorum of gay life, the airport court, where I managed to plead guilty to disorderly and peeping charges, both long known as signals used in the gay police community as a 'come on' for sex. Before I was able to actually nab these people in an actual sex act by allowing them to rub my buttocks, the liberal media blew my cover."

Sen. Craig, long known as an advocate of traditional family values, said his investigation took him to airport restrooms across the nation as well as to several bars at which he went undercover by dressing in a ball gown, high heels and mascara, posing as a lesbian in hopes of uncovering gay sex by policewomen.

In a lengthy statement to reporters, Sen. Craig demanded that law enforcement crack down on gay restroom police sex and vowed to continue his probe "even if I have to wear a disguise like maybe a sequined blue jumper over lace panties and an underwire bra."

Fellow conservatives hailed Sen. Craig's efforts to crack down on gay sex, calling him "a man of vision, perception and great thighs." "Where liberal Democrats talk about so-called tolerance and acceptance, Larry Craig has been forthright in his pursuit of the people who would endanger traditional marriage between a man and
several women," said Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah.

Sen. Hatch's views were echoed by Sen. David Vitter, R-La., who warned against interpreting Craig's one-man sting as a sign of intolerance.

"I know Larry Craig like I know my own wife," Sen. Vitter said. "He's an open and decent man who simply wants to protect the American family from the gay agenda. Neither Larry nor myself have personal animosity toward these lithe young law officers who clearly need guidance. I have nothing, for instance, against lesbians. I have all of their movies."

Not all conservative leaders were ready to forgive, however. "Larry Craig is right to try to bust these sickos, but they must be punished as a warning to others," said conservative evangelist Ted Haggard, who won plaudits from pro-family groups last summer for his extensive undercover work in the gay massage-and-narcotics trade in the western states. "These people ought to be whipped. First they ought to be lashed across their naked buttocks with whips. And not just ordinary whips, either. Whips with little pieces of metal on the end. And it ought to be videotaped and put online. That'd teach those sickos a little decency."

BUSH SENDS MARSHALL DILLON TO HOMEWOOD; PRES SAYS STRAIGHT-SHOOTING LAWMAN WILL CLEAN UP TROUBLED NEIGHBORHOOD

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush signed an executive order yesterday transferring United States Marshal Matthew Dillon from his current jurisdiction in Dodge City, Kansas to Homewood. The transfer is effective immediately.

“Marshall Dillon is a lawman with impeccable credentials,” said the President. “He has, through the force of his personality, and excellent marksmanship, brought many a bad man to justice. I am confident he will be able to use those same skills to bring order to the streets of Homewood .”

The President said Dillon’s transfer was proof that his pledge to rid inner-city neighborhoods of the scourge of cattle-rustling was “something he takes seriously.”

Marshall Dillon spoke to reporters while packing personal effects in his Dodge City office shortly after receiving his new assignment. “The first thing I’m going to do when I get to Homewood is talk to the locals and let them know I’m on their side. The blacksmith's stable should be a good place to start.”

Dillon said he would miss Dodge City, particularly the gentle, homoerotic verbal jousting between his faithful deputy Festus Haggen and Dr. Galen Adams. “I’ve always believed Doc had a thing for Festus, if you know what I mean,” said Dillon, with a wink. Residents of Homewood said they were looking forward to the arrival of their new Marshal. Miss Kitty Russell, proprietress of the Long Branch Convenience Store and Lotto, was particularly excited. “I can hardly wait to begin a long-smoldering passion for Marshall Dillon that will remain unrequited,” said Russell. “I haven’t been this excited since they repealed prohibition.”

Guy in opposite stall outraged cop chose Sen. Craig, not him

He could never love you the way I could, says angry state assemblyman

Sen. Kennedy Arrested In Women's Bathroom at Airport

PRESIDENT BUSH URGES AMERICANS TO REMEMBER THE LESSON OF VIETNAM

“BEFORE ANY MAJOR CONFLICT, WE ALL NEED TO MAKE SURE WE ARE WELL-CONNECTED AND RICH, SO THAT WE WILL NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO TO WAR OURSELVES.”

SEN. CRAIG: 'I FOUND JESUS! OH, WAIT, I ALREADY USED THAT ONE TO BUY VOTES. WELL, THIS TIME I MEAN IT'

REPUBLICANS ASK CAPITOL HILL POLICE TO CLOSE & LOCK ALL CLOSET DOORS

Democrats will try to block the request; "We always enjoy seeing what comes out," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

BREAKING NEWS: OWEN WILSON PLEADS FOR PRIVACY, MORE RAZOR BLADES

'Just Kidding!'

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and president Bush reveal they were "just kidding" moments after Gonzales announced his resignation.

SIDNEY CROSBY CLOSING IN ON YET ANOTHER SCORING TITLE

Penguins star is just a few late nights away from breaking the scoring record for a Canadian under 21, previously held by mario Lemieux

BILL MURRAY PLEADS GUILTY TO DRUNK DRIVING IN STOCKHOLM, SENTENCED TO RELIVE SAME DAY OVER AND OVER UNTIL HE GETS IT RIGHT

JAILHOUSE SNITCH LIST TOPS PITTSBURGH’S MOST-READ LIST; CARNEGIE LIBRARY CAN’T KEEP ENOUGH COPIES ON SHELVES

ANONYMOUS TRACT ALREADY IN THIRD-PRINTING

PITTSBURGH - An anonymous list naming one-hundred and twenty-six individuals accused of cooperating with law enforcement officials tops this weeks most-read list, according to sources in the local publishing industry.

“This is going to be bigger than Martin Luther King’s ‘Letter from a Birmingham Jail,’ and, to a lesser extent, its’ sequel, ‘Grocery List from a Birmingham Jail,’ said John Wallace, spokesman for Stool Pigeon Press.

The Jailhouse Snitch List, as it’s entitled, is the work of an author who remains unnamed. The desire for anonymity makes one thing perfectly clear to Wallace: “We can state with absolute certainty the list wasn’t written by Jim O’Brien.” O’Brien is a popular local author who has written and published over nine hundred books in the past six months. He is currently in Mexico doing research on a biography of former Pirates relief pitcher Enrique Romo.

Speculation abounds over who will claim the writing credit. Wallace offered his opinion. “I know a lot of folks are saying its Joe Klein, because the style is so similar to his own.” Klein, a long-time political reporter for New York Magazine, among others, penned the best-selling novel “Primary Colors,” under the name “anonymous.”

On a related note, Pittsburgh Public School officials released a cautious, qualified, endorsement of the list. It said, in part, “While we lament the poor spelling and syntax used by the author, and cannot condone the sentiments contained therein, we are glad to see so many of our young people reading again.”

VICK PLEADS NOT-GUILTY BY REASON OF DYSLEXIA; SAYS HE WAS ACTUALLY RUNNING A GOD-FIGHTING RING

ATLANTA -- A federal grand jury today indicted Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick on nine counts of conspiracy for his involvement in a Jesus-fighting ring. Vick, who earlier this week pleaded guilty to conspiracy in connection with a dogfighting ring, was accused of pitting the savior against other deities and several Old Testament prophets and betting on the results.

"We found that, shortly after agreeing to plead guilty to the dogfighting charges, Mr. Vick was introduced to Jesus Christ," said U.S. Attorney Elroy Blankenship Jr.. "Federal investigators later found Mr. Christ chained to a wall in Mr. Vick's basement where he had been trained to engage in death struggles with, among others, Mohammed, Moses, Siddhartha Buddha and, briefly, L. Ron Hubbard."

Among counts in the indictment are accusations that Mr. Vick "severely beat Buddha when he refused to fight Jesus."

A federal magistrate set Thursday for a bail hearing at which Mr. Vick is expected to enter a plea of "better than you."

ABU GHRAIB DOGS ENTHUSIASTICALLY VOLUNTEER TO GUARD MICHAEL VICK

UPMC TO TAKEOVER PITT

Board of Trustees says the move "was inevitable, really"; school mascot to change from "Panthers" to "Prophets"

Gun Freeze Hurts Kids

HARRISBURG -- A planned four-day freeze on gun sales in Pennsylvania has prompted a lawsuit by one lawmaker and more than two dozen gun dealers. The suit alleges that they received insufficient notice from state police about the planned September 2-6 interruption in sales, which falls during the crucial back-to-school gun sales blitz. "Every year, kids need a new backpack, binder, sneakers and a Double Action Beretta. The back-to-school season is like Christmas for gun dealers," said gun dealer Amos Dorfman.

Gun dealers have also complained that the planned sales freeze occurs during the first few days of hummingbird and naked mole rat hunting seasons, which usually prompts a spike in shotgun sales. Rep. Timothy Solobay, D-Washington County, one of the plaintiffs, said, "This is just bad planning, no one wants to see the school year get off to a bad start like this."

MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL ADMITS HE HAD FINGERS CROSSED WHEN HE MADE "PITTSBURGH PROMISE"

PITTSBURGH PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS ASK HOW MAYOR CAN GET $9,000 TO GO GOLFING BUT ONLY RAISE $10,000 FOR THEM TO GO TO COLLEGE

TEN STEELERS' ROOKIES COME DOWN WITH KNEE INJURIES

All were considered 'on the bubble' for making the team; Tomlin blames Jerome Bettis for giving them the idea

ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES AND WARNER BROTHERS ICON SPEEDY GONZALEZ RESIGN OVER QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR HONESTY

WASHINGTON - Alberto Gonzales, the nation's first Hispanic attorney general, and Speedy Gonzalez, Warner Brothers' first Hispanic cartoon star, announced their resignations Monday in a rare joint press conference, ending nasty standoffs over their honesty.

Alberto Gonzales's honesty was called into question following testimony many have dubbed evasive before a Congressional committee investigating the firings of U.S. Attorneys. Speedy Gonzalez's honesty was called into question last week amid revelations that his caricatured and demeaning impersonation of a Mexican mouse was, in fact, fabricated. Verified documents reveal Speedy was actually a Jewish pants presser from Brooklyn named Harry Gerguson.

A presidential aide who asked not to be identified said that President Bush was "quite surprised to see [Gonzales and Gonzalez] together this morning because, frankly, he always thought the Attorney General was the Warner Brothers' cartoon star." Bush reportedly always bragged to friends that the Attorney General can "outrun any cat."

Neither Gonzales nor Gonzalez discussed charges about their honesty in their joint appearance. The Attorney General said that "it has been my greatest honor to lead the Justice Department." Speedy Gonzalez said he plans to live out his "golden years" in Tel Aviv. "My days of constantly running are over," the beloved mouse told reporters.

OUR ANNUAL BACK-TO-SCHOOL EXTRAVAGANZA

NOTE FROM MOM: 'PLEASE EXCUSE LUKE FROM CLASS TODAY -- HE'S THE MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH'

COLLEGE STUDENTS ACROSS AMERICA MOVE BELONGINGS BACK TO CAMPUS, PREPARE FOR ANOTHER STUDIOUS YEAR

CATHEDRAL OF LEARNING TO UNDERGO CONTROVERSIAL FORESKIN RESTORATION

RAVENSTAHL DREADING TRIGONOMETRY

MAYOR HEARD THAT MR. DEPALMA WAS A COMPLETE TOOL

DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE DURING ORIENTATION HAS PROFOUND IMPACT ON COLLEGE STUDENTS

I'm never doing that crap again," said CMU freshman Henry Wong

'BORDER GUARD BOB' TO REPLACE ALL CITY SCHOOL CROSSING GUARDS THIS FALL IN EFFORT TO KEEP YOUTH FROM 'EVEN THINKING ABOUT LEAVING THIS TOWN'

SEVENTH GRADE BOYS CAN’T CONTAIN THEMSELVES AFTER LEARNING NEW TEACHER’S NAME

SLASH-PROOF JACKETS & BACKPACKS FOR HIGH-SCHOOLERS A HIT; PARENTS NOW CLAMORING FOR SEX-PROOF PANTS & SKIRTS

LOCAL PAROCHIAL SCHOOLS READY FOR NEW SCHOOL YEAR

AFTER A CAREFREE SUMMER, JOCKS, GEEKS RETURN TO THEIR RESPECTIVE ROLES IN HIGH SCHOOL CASTE SYSTEM

PITTSBURGH CITY SCHOOLS SUPERINTENDENT MARK ROOSEVELT FIRES SELF IN COST-CUTTING MOVE

RECEIVES $25,000 BONUS AND FORCES SCHOOL BOARD TO PAY OFF REMAINDER OF 2011 CONTRACT; PLANS TO RUN FOR GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS AGAIN

AREN'T WE ALL SICK OF THOSE BACK-TO-SCHOOL ADS?

CLASSES AT CARNEGIE MELLON TO BE ENTIRELY SELF-TAUGHT

Professors say they're too busy doing research; students say they won't notice much difference

DUQUESNE DUKES BASKETBALL ATTRACTS NATIONALLY HYPED PLAYERS IN BEST RECRUITING CLASS EVER

LAST YEAR'S CAMPUS SHOOTINGS CREDITED WITH GIVING SCHOOL INVALUABLE URBAN CACHET

BOWING TO SAFETY CONCERNS, SLIPPERY ROCK CHANGES NAME TO "SMALL DRY FLAT ROCK UNIVERSITY"

OVER-ANXIOUS SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD ASKS GIRL TO PROM ON THE WAY TO THE FIRST PERIOD OF THE DAY

MOMS ACROSS THE NATION FLOCK TO NEW YORK FOR ANNUAL 'BACK TO SCHOOL PARADE'

'MOST JUBILANT MASS EVER' HELD AT ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL AFTERWARD; THE NEW YORK TIMES REPORTS THAT IF YOU LISTEN CLOSE ENOUGH, YOU CAN HEAR THE 'THANK-YOU-GODS ALL THE WAY TO WYOMING'

LOCAL STUDENTS HOLD MASSIVE RALLY, PROTEST LACK OF SCHOOL CLOSINGS, DELAYS

CBS, TRYING TO DUPLICATE NBC'S SUCCESS WITH FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, PLANS SERIES ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL CHESS TEAM

NEW YORK - CBS President Les Moonves said his network is developing a weekly series taking a behind-the-scenes look at the high pressure world of big-time, competitive high school chess.

Moonves said the show will feature copious amounts of angst, brooding, voice-over narratives delivered on top of adult-alternative music, sex, and violence. "And, of course," said Moonves. "lots of chess."

The two principal characters have already been cast. "We've got John Michael Paul for the role of John," said Moonves. "And we have Paul John Michael playing the part of Paul." Both Paul and Michael are long-time veterans of aspirational teen-oriented series. "They've got the smoldering gaze that sets pre-pubescent hearts aflame," said Moonves.

The show will be set in Lonesome Pine, Texas. "Chess is the one thing that brings this town together," said Moonves. "And for most of the kids on this team, chess is their only way out."

Moonves said the show, whose working title is Keep Your Hand on Your Own Piece, was "inspired" by the success of NBC's Friday Night Lights. Friday Night Lights, the television series based on the film adapted from the book of the same name, is a "thoroughly original" work, said Moonves. "We would never in a million years think of appropriating an idea that appears to be working on another network, refine it to suit our own tastes, and the tastes of the network's legal department, and make it our own," said Moonves. "Those things just aren't done in television."

CMU MATH GEEK APPLIES FOR CO-ED DORM ROOM

"I calculated the odds of getting a girl in my room any other way, and it's statistically impossible," pale, skinny sophomore says