Disgusted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said streaker who interrupted Dolphins-Giants game in London "did nothing for me whatsoever"
NFL RULES OUT FURTHER GAMES IN LONDON DUE TO 'FLABBY, UNAPPEALING' STREAKERS WHO ARE 'A DISGRACE TO EXHIBITIONISM'
Disgusted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said streaker who interrupted Dolphins-Giants game in London "did nothing for me whatsoever"
Biblical scholars say end of world may be at hand
POST-GAZETTE ENDORSES REPUBLICAN DeSANTIS
World leaders prepare for rapture. Religious leaders explain that Book of Malachi, Chapter 4, predicted this day:The Day of the LORD
"Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and that day that is coming will set them on fire," says the LORD Almighty. "Not a root or a branch will be left to them." . . . . "See, I will send you the prophet Elijah [MEANING, THE POST-GAZETTE EDITORIAL BOARD] before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."
WITH LEAD NARROWING, RAVENSTAHL CHECKS INTO UPMC FACILITY FOR 'CHARISMA AUGMENTATION'
PITTSBURGH - Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober confirmed that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl underwent a "charisma augmentation" procedure from a crack team of physicians at an undisclosed UPMC facility early this morning.The procedure was performed shortly after Ravenstahl had complained of feeling "dull, and ordinary" and speaking in a monotone while addressing local labor leaders. Ravenstahl, whose campaign dossier lists his favorite colors as "brown, tan, and beige," and claims his favorite beverage is "a tall glass of tap water served at room temperature," is expected to be released sometime over the next seventy-two hours.
Zober provided details of the procedure: "I want to stress to all of you this was strictly augmentation, not implants," he said. "The mayor was merely enhancing the great and natural charisma he already possessed." Asked about details of the operation, Zober said the prognosis was good. "The doctors are confident they have removed all of the monotone from Mr. Ravenstahl’s vocal cords, and that the procedure was a complete success," said Zober. "However," he added, "we won’t be sure until we see how audiences react to the mayor's stump speech the next time he hits the campaign trail. If they start dozing off again, we might be in trouble."
RAVENSTAHL SAYS DeSANTIS GUILTY OF FOP BRIBERY & CORRUPTION
Mayor adds that he'd like to know where his Republican challenger was on 9/11, when Jimmy Hoffa disappeared, and "when that Kennedy dude got shot"
THAT INCORRIGIBLE SHANNON SHARPE BUSTS UP NFL TODAY PANEL ONCE AGAIN
Co-hosts are unable to contain their laughter at the outrageous commentary from the irreverent but lovable panelist
LOCAL MAN USES DNA EVIDENCE TO PROVE HE DID NOT MASTURBATE ON HIS MOTHER'S COUCH AS A TEENAGER
"False accusations of masturbation are a national epidemic, affecting 70% of all teenage boys." PITTSBURGH - For 23 years, Seymour Karlson, now 40, has maintained that his mother wrongly accused him of masturbating on her gold couch when he was a teenager. During all that time, Seymour's mother, Louise Karlson, repeatedly told friends and family that Seymour stained the couch with his "vile, disgusting habit."
Last week, DNA evidence proved conclusively that Seymour didn't do it.
"Back in '84, my older sister Cynthia told my mother that I did it, and since I was the only male in a household of four females, in my mother's eyes, I was guilty until proven innocent," Seymour explained. "It was a classic rush to judgment."
Seymour's goal for the next twenty-three years was to exonerate himself in his mother's eyes. When he learned that DNA evidence could clear him of the charges, he procured evidence from the couch to prove that the stain did not match his DNA profile. Last week, the DNA testing came back, and Seymour was completely exonerated. The stain was proven to be semen from another male. Seymour's older sister Cynthia finally confessed to her mother that her then-boyfriend was responsible.
"Of course Cynthia will only get a slap on the wrists, even though I've been living in a prison my mother constructed for me in her mind for twenty-three years," said Seymour.
Seymour claims that false accusations of masturbation are a national epidemic, affecting 70% of all teenage boys. Women's groups put the figure at closer to 2% and claim that mothers and sisters do not lie about such matters.
Despite his exoneration, Seymour felt strangely disappointed. "I've worked so hard for this day, and I know I'm supposed to be happy, but I keep wondering, how do you get back twenty-three years that were taken from you? What can ever make up for the false accusations, the stigma, the damage to your reputation?"
Seymour's mother was not apologetic. "So Seymour didn't [masturbate] on the couch, what difference does it make? I know for a fact that on many other occasions, he [masturbated] with the vacuum cleaner." When confronted with this latest allegation, Seymour smiled: "Now there she's got me."
PRESIDENT KENNEDY'S GRANDDAUGHTER ACCIDENTALLY WEARS JACKIE'S BLOODSTAINED PINK DRESS TO HALLOWEEN PARTY
"Everybody had a real good horse laugh over it; it was just one of those magic moments, and a good time was had by all!"NEW YORK - It was the mix-up of all fashion mix-ups when seventeen-year-old Tatiana Celia Kennedy Schlossberg, granddaughter of the late Jackie Kennedy Onassis, accidentally wore to a Halloween party the bloodstained pink outfit Jackie adorned the day President Kennedy was shot in Dallas in 1963.
"It was the damnedest thing," laughed family friend Mike Giunta. "Tatiana was looking for a scary outfit to wear to the party, and she came across the pink outfit in the attic, you know, stained with the blood and all that, so she thought it would be just perfect. I can't help but chuckle just thinking about it."
Giunta explained that when Tatiana walked into the party, one of the the kids told her what she'd done and "everybody had a real good horse laugh over it, especially Tatiana. A good time was had by all."
But the real hi jinx didn't start until a young woman showed up dressed like Marilyn Monroe. "It was a riot," explained Giunta. "Tatiana, wearing that dress, was drawn right over to her. She got up in Marilyn Monroe's face and slapped her. It was a real cat fight, brother, I'm telling you!"
FORMER COAL EXECUTIVE GIVES WVU $25 MILLION, ALL STUDENTS TO HAVE TEETH FIXED
“We’re hoping to have a little left over to fireproof a few couches.” J. D. Clampett, University President
YET MORE SCENES FROM THE MAYORAL DEBATE
Debate interrupted when Mayor Ravenstahl receives strip-o-gram from frat buddy; despite moderator Sally Wiggin's strong objections, the "show" goes on. Mark DeSantis, meanwhile, attempts to feign disinterest.
Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis Forfeits Upcoming Game Against the Steelers
Says Tomlin's analysis of match-up convinced him that his team would lose.Cincinnati's Marvin Lewis shocked fans across the NFL today when he announced that his team would forfeit this Sunday's game against Pittsburgh. The announcement came after an intense, three hour meeting that occurred at the request of Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin.
A visibly stunned Lewis announced the decision to his team this morning. "After meeting with Coach Tomlin, I found his case for a Pittsburgh victory compelling. Frankly, I couldn't argue with it, and I agreed with Mike that it was in the best interest of both teams that we take the loss that is going to come to us anyway. It was simply not worth risking injuries to either teams' players. The Bengals are a proud organization. But right now, we should just accept the inevitable defeat that Coach Tomlin outlined in his extensive presentation, including the accompanying graphs."
Forfeits are a rarity in modern football. Tomlin's success in securing a victory without actually taking the field may start a new trend. However,Tomlin told fans to hold onto their tickets. At least, for the time being.
"We still expect to play quite a few games this season, if my coaching staff determines we are facing an equally matched opponent," the victorious Tomlin said. "I just feel that if we sit down with our lesser adversaries and reason with them, we can rest our players for the competition to come from the top tier teams in our schedule."
KDKA'S MARTY GRIFFIN SETS WORLD RECORD, TALKS OUT OF THREE SIDES OF HIS MOUTH AT THE SAME TIME
"We knew if anyone could do it, Marty could," said KDKA's Chris Schultz, who produced the segment in which Griffin set the record. "We think he may be able to break it again before the election."
PHILADELPHIA DITCHES 'LEAST ATTRACTIVE' IMAGE BY SUBSTITUTING 'HOT' MODEL FOR WILLIAM PENN STATUE ATOP CITY HALL
PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia is looking to shed the negative designation heaped on it by Travel & Leisure Magazine of having the "least attractive people" of any city in America. "You know what's killing us?" said Mayor John Street. "Stodgy old William Penn, that's what's killing us." The mayor was referring to the bronze statue of the city's founder that has adorned the top of City Hall for more than 100 years. "Hell, when I get to be 100, I hope I look so good, but let's face it: it is not a pretty sight," said the mayor.
The solution? A sexier William Penn.
Mayor Street personally conducted a nationwide search for a new William Penn and chose an African American woman named Jessica Mars, 22. Mars was all set to don Penn's famous hat, but nothing else, when the selection drew fire from a variety of civic groups. "The naysayers made a big deal out of the fact that William Penn supposedly was a Caucasian male, not a black woman," said the mayor. "I mean, have you ever heard of anything so ludicrous? I was appalled that people could be so mean-spirited."
Street reconvened the search and tapped 22-year-old model Jacob Cornish to be Penn. Cornish will man the perch every day from sun-up to sun-down, but he will not be decked out in the accouterments common to noblemen of the late 1600s, or in anything else, for that matter. "Who would the ladies rather look at: the guy on the Quaker Oats box, or a Chippendales dancer?" the mayor asked. Street defended criticisms that Cornish sports tattoos. "Who's to say it's not historical? I mean, did you ever see a picture of William Penn's naked body? For all we know, William Penn might have had tattoos exactly like Jacob's."
Cornish is not letting his new gig go to his head. "I'm just, like, worried that the chicks who see my [penis] won't understand it's, like, really cold up there, dude."
DICK THORNBURGH GOES TO CAPITOL HILL, TELLS LAWMAKERS THAT CYRIL WECHT WAS ONLY AN "ADJUNCT MEMBER" OF HITLER YOUTH
"Those old photos were taken at the Third Reich Christmas party," the former Attorney General said. "There's no evidence that Dr. Wecht ever participated in any sort of final, or even penultimate, solution."
PALS EXCHANGE GIFTS
Senator Larry Craig presents Steeler mascot Steely McBeam with a lovely crystal vase from the "We're Not Gay - Really" citizens association. McBeam presented Craig with a long, stiff beam courtesy of the "Not Gay Steelworkers, Local 88."
DeSANTIS TELLS CROWD THAT RAVENSTAHL HAS SCREWED A CERTAIN MUNICIPALITY ROYALLY
In keeping with this news service's policy of not naming victims of sexual assault, we will not identify the municipality.
CASTRO TOUTS AMERICAN LIFE AFTER BUSH
HAVANA -- Fidel Castro, trying to loosen President Bush 's hold on power, blistered his administration Wednesday and challenged allies to help foster a democratic uprising or risk the shame of staying silent.“Now is the time to support the democratic movements growing in the United States," Castro said, "Now is the time to stand with the American people as they stand up for their liberty. And now is the time for the world to put aside its differences and prepare for America's transition to a future of freedom and progress and promise."
Castro appealed to other nations, such as Iraq and Iran, to chip in with money and support, casting a long-standing political struggle in moral terms.
In response, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a news conference that Castro's plans were "equivalent to the re-conquest of America by force" and said they "give an idea of the level of frustration, of desperation and of personal hatred toward the USA."
She said most American back President Bush, making the idea of an internal uprising a "fantasy" and "politically impossible." Her remarks echoed those of President Bush himself, who wrote in newspaper columns this week that "Castro is obsessed with the United States."
PSYCHOLOGISTS WARN: TOO MUCH EXPOSURE TO GHOULISH HALLOWEEN DISPLAYS WILL DESENSITIZE PEOPLE
“We're going to be in trouble when the real monsters show up.” -- Velveeta Swaye-Freud, Psy.D.
STEELER FANS WHO SAID LOSS TO DENVER 'ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD' MAY BE INCORRECT
Scientists note sudden drop in sun's temperature
BUSH UNVEILS NEW PLAN TO SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY
President calls all Americans to earn more money and increase their saving by 500%
MIKE TOMLIN'S LIBERAL NEIGHBORS ON SHADY AVENUE BURN CROSSES IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE
"Black? No, we never even noticed he's black," said one neighbor, a Democratic ward leader. "This is what we do to coaches who out-think themselves and pass when they ought to run."
Ravenstahl Announces Creation Of New Authority
"Government Emporium Authority" (GEA) To Serve Hill District
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl acted with lightening speed in response to Hill District resident Cliff Christian's request for the government to provide a grocery store for his crime-ridden, crack-choked, nobody-in-their-right-mind-would-invest-a dime-there neighborhood.
"Myself, I thought if we have the SEA (Sports & Exhibition Authority), why not the GEA? I mean we take people's tax dollars against their wishes and funnel them into the pockets of our wealthy sports team owners. So why not force taxpayers to underwrite another losing proposition, but this time for people who really need it?"
In a somewhat related matter, Ravenstahl criticized recent attempts by the New York based Guardian Angels to set up shop in the Hill District.
"Myself, I think it's real rude of these outsiders to just barge in, uninvited, and make our streets safer," the mayor bristled. "That would prompt private-sector business growth in The Hill which would put the GEA at a disadvantage. And as I've made it perfectly clear from the very first days of my 'fresh leadership' administration, I steadfastly appose any private-sector participation in anything that could be run by the government instead."
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl acted with lightening speed in response to Hill District resident Cliff Christian's request for the government to provide a grocery store for his crime-ridden, crack-choked, nobody-in-their-right-mind-would-invest-a dime-there neighborhood."Myself, I thought if we have the SEA (Sports & Exhibition Authority), why not the GEA? I mean we take people's tax dollars against their wishes and funnel them into the pockets of our wealthy sports team owners. So why not force taxpayers to underwrite another losing proposition, but this time for people who really need it?"
In a somewhat related matter, Ravenstahl criticized recent attempts by the New York based Guardian Angels to set up shop in the Hill District.
"Myself, I think it's real rude of these outsiders to just barge in, uninvited, and make our streets safer," the mayor bristled. "That would prompt private-sector business growth in The Hill which would put the GEA at a disadvantage. And as I've made it perfectly clear from the very first days of my 'fresh leadership' administration, I steadfastly appose any private-sector participation in anything that could be run by the government instead."
MORE SCENES FROM THE MAYORAL DEBATE
Ravenstahl Chief of Staff Yarone Zober watches from behind the teleprompter
Moderator Sally Wiggin receives medical attention from paramedics at the scene; the WTAE anchor complained of headaches and wooziness after the Mayor's third reference to his "structurally balanced budget"
MORE SCENES FROM THE MAYORAL DEBATE, PART 2
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl looks pleased with the bouquet he brought for mayoral debate moderator Sally Wiggin, while Republican challenger Mark DeSantis appears to be reconsidering his offering of donuts.
MEN ON EDGE IN IOWA: HILLARY CLINTON REPORTEDLY HOARDING CASTRATION DEVICES
DES MOINES - A town meeting in a local barn last night in Durham, thirty miles south of Des Moines, attracted more than 700 people, all of them men. The subject: reports by local farmers that Sen. Hillary Clinton is canvassing the area buying up castration devices cheaply. Men came from five counties to discuss the news, which many of them viewed as alarming.
Farmer Noah Swayne related a first-person account: "Yesterday morning, two limousines came roaring up the house. Senator Hillary Clinton and her entourage, a bunch of young guys in suits with creamy skin and high pitched, girlish giggles, got out. I answered the door. One of the -- for want of a better word, eunuchs -- said to me with kind of a nasty tone, 'Senator Clinton would like to speak with the lady of the house,'" Swayne wiped the sweat from his brow.
"I said, 'Perhaps I can help the Senator?' And this kid says, 'The Senator will not speak with you.' Just like that -- 'the Senator will not speak with you.' OK, I thought, so this is weird. Anyway, I got Ellie, and the Senator smiled at her and shook her hand and they began chatting away. Now mind you, the Senator never looked at me once the whole time she was there." Swayne had to pause for a drink of water.
"Now here's where it gets completely bizarre. The Senator asked my wife if she had a spare castration device she could sell her."
The men in the audience put their legs together.
Swayne continued: "Well, sir, my wife's eyes opened real wide like she didn't quite make out the words. The Senator repeated herself: 'You wouldn't happen to have a spare castration device you could sell me, would you?' Now my wife was dumbfounded, because that's the last thing she expected to hear from a United States senator. So Ellie said, 'You mean for bulls?' And without missing a beat the Senator said, 'No, for somewhat smaller mammals.' That's just how she worded it, 'somewhat smaller mammals.'"
Sweat poured from Swayne's forehead and the room grew completely silent.
"It gets worse. The Senator knew exactly what she wanted," Swayne said. "It either had to be a Burdizzo nine inch or an Emasculator. She said, 'I find those two work the best.' Well, my wife told her we happened to have a spare Burdizzo we could sell her. So the Senator says, and I quote, 'Would you tell your male to run and fetch it for me?' The whole while she's looking right at my wife, like I wasn't even there. My wife looked at me, like, 'I guess it's alright.' So I went and got it, and my wife charged her ten dollars or something. The Senator shook her hand."
Swayne took a drink of water. "But here's the part that kept me awake last night: the Senator smiled at her and said, 'I'm buying up as many of these as I can get my hands on so I'll be readly after I win the election.' And that's an exact quote because I wrote it down right after she left."
An audible gasp came from the back of the barn. Swayne sat down wiping his brow. Finally, after a silence that seemed to stretch for a half hour, farmer Ned Newsome rose to his feet and shouted, "I warned you all about that little ballbuster. Now see what we've got here? And with the caucuses right around the corner!"
A clamor arose until Mayor Newt Kiley stood up and raised his hands. "Silence! Now I know how this looks, men, but let's examine the evidence. We have no idea what, or who, Mrs. Clinton intends to use these nasty little devices on, so my advice is that we continue to monitor the situation closely. I suggest we meet here every Tuesday night at 8 o'clock so we are kept abreast of the latest events. And no women, please -- we don't know how deep this thing goes." Kiley started to leave but then turned back to the crowd. "And men, you all better get those Obama signs up on your front lawns, like I told you to do months ago."
SHIELDS PUSHES STRIP CLUB GENDER PAY STUDY
PITTSBURGH -- Council President Doug Shields introduced legislation yesterday calling for a study of the earnings gap between male and female strippers working at city clubs.“Female strippers have always made more than their male counterparts - we need to know the reasons for this earnings gap,” Shields explained, using the index and middle fingers of both his hands to form quotation marks in the air as he spoke the words “earnings gap.”
The resolution asks Mayor Luke Ravenstahl to solicit firms with experience evaluating wage disparities of exotic dancers. “I’m thinking Luke just needs to call a local university and get some names from someone in its Women Studies Department,” Shield said, again gesturing quotation marks.
The resolution is based on research by Mr. Ravenstahl's chief of staff, Yarone Zober, finding that "the Chippendales, for example, earn just 70 cents for every dollar female strippers earn for similar work," Zober said, gesturing quotation marks around the word "work."
"It's an economic development issue. It's a discriminatory issue," said Mr. Shields, who worked with the Men Rule Foundation to craft the legislation. "Besides, we got to get as many of these initiatives started as possible before some new mayor gets in and puts the clamps down.”
CONGRATULATIONS TO CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL'S OWN MIKE GIUNTA -- ONE OF PITTSBURGH MAGAZINE'S 40 UNDER 40
The seven Pittsburghers under 40 who did not make the list will be given plastic bags, yardsticks and other tokens from last year's auto show as consolation prizes
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE ISSUES HIGH WIND ADVISORY FOR SOUTHWESTERN PENNSYLVANIA, IN EFFECT UNTIL 11:35PM THIS EVENING
Meteorologists release warning after learning that Marty Griffin will file live reports during every KDKA newscast
SCENES FROM MAYORAL DEBATE
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl presents Republican challenger Mark DeSantis with a ceremonial "Acme brand egg timer" following Monday night's mayoral debate.
FOX SPORTS NET ANNOUNCER TUNCH ILKIN SIDELINED WITH GROIN INJURY
INJURY OCCURS AFTER UTTERING EXCESSIVE PROGRESSIONS OF "OOOHS" DURING STEELER/BRONCO GAME SUNDAY NIGHT
Dr. D.W. Jerkel of UPMC South Side: "That last triple oooh during the final minute of the game was more than any human body, even that of a conditioned, ex-football player, could tolerate. My prognosis for a full recovery is good if Ilkin can pepper his play-by-play with more aaahs, which are much less stressful on the muscles."
Veto Proof
WASHINGTON -- After failing to overturn a presidential veto of a children's healthcare bill that enjoyed wide bipartisan support, Democratic congressional leadership admitted that some constituents are questioning their skills. Addressing the press following the vote, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained: "If you were to ask me how we could fail to override this veto of a children's healthcare bill that Republicans supported, I would have to theorize that the root cause is that we, the Democratic congress, may possibly be the biggest bunch of dorks ever to be in a position of power in this country. How inept must we be to whiff on this veto - it's children's healthcare for [goodness] sakes." Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi summed up her party's position: "We have no plan, no direction, no momentum, no charisma, no backbone and none of us really have any personality. From a legislative point of view, I guess we're fucked."
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino declined to comment on the remarks except to note: "I don't think they provided any new information."
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino declined to comment on the remarks except to note: "I don't think they provided any new information."
Nursery and Grade School Records Reveal Strengths of Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, Weaknesses of his Opponents
Special Report by Adm. Richmond K. Turner of The Burgh Report - An investigative report has revealed that Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, in the earliest years of his life, was busily preparing for his current leadership role, while his opponents in next month's general election squandered these formative years in a variety of childhood scandals.
When asked for their first impressions of Mr. Ravenstahl, those who knew him as a child had nothing but glowing comments about the boy who would become Pittsburgh 's mayor.
"He could tell time when he was 3 years old," said North Side resident Dee Giffin Flaherty, 56, who has known Mr. Ravenstahl since he was 9 months old. "He would run into the kitchen and look at the clock. He told us what time it was, subtracted, and then said, 'Oh, we only have 40 more minutes to play.' He was 3!"
"I was the first person to tell him that he would be mayor of our city," Ms. Flaherty said. "And he was 13 years old at the time. He was no average kid."
Mr. Ravenstahl's former teachers offered similarly glowing assessments of his performance. "He was the first child in the class who could tie his own shoes!" exclaimed his first-grade teacher, Beatrice Gaunt of the North Side. "And his penmanship was incredible, too. While others were still using those big bulky pencils with no erasers on them, Luke was bringing his own No. 2 pencils from home, sharpened and ready to go!"
"Nobody could diagram a sentence like young Luke Ravenstahl," said fourth-grade teacher Hester Disimione. "He just had an uncanny ability to pick out prepositional phrases and identify the dependent clause. Don't even get me started about his knowledge of all the different verb tenses! That's why he's such a fine mayor for our city. Nothing is more relevant to good governance like a solid grounding in proper grammar."
"It took a while for me to find a nursery school that I felt comfortable in," remarked Mr. Ravenstahl, who transferred twice and attended three different day care programs before reaching school age. "But I'm proud of my finger painting, and I'll hold that against anyone else's and I'll continue to do so."
Mr. Ravenstahl's challengers, on the other hand, appear to have had less-than-exemplary records during their early-childhood education. Elementary school teachers of Republican nominee Mark DeSantis would not talk on the record, citing privacy concerns, but freedom-of-information requests (along with a few nighttime burglaries of Mercer County school offices) have provided the Carbolic Smoke Ball with copies of Mr. DeSantis's earliest report cards.
In kindergarten, Mr. DeSantis received disturbingly low marks in the areas of "shares with other children" and "nap time," prompting the teacher to note, "Mark has trouble staying on his mat during afternoon nap, and sometimes bothers the other children." Later that same year, the same teacher recorded that "Mark needs to hang up his coat when he comes into the classroom."
Later years weren't much better for Mr. DeSantis. His second grade teacher remarked, "Mark has forgotten or lost his milk money three times in the last two months," while his third-grade music teacher stated that he had "a lot of trouble matching pitch with his voice, and can't maintain the rhythm when clapping along with the autoharp."
Former grade-school teachers of Libertarian candidate Tony Oliva refused multiple requests to be interviewed for this article, claiming that that none of them ever remembered having him in their class.
Retired preschool teacher Margery Fletcher, who taught Socialist Worker's Party nominee Ryan Scott when he was three years old, could only shake her head when asked about her former student. "He was always on about something," she said. "One time, a group of some other kids got sent to the office for playing 'post office' over behind the monkey bars, and he thought this was some kind of grave injustice or something. Every time we would ask him if he wanted to play with the Lincoln Logs, he would refuse to do so until these other kids -- he called them the 'Playground Eight' -- were allowed to be on the monkey bars again."
Ravenstahl's current campaign workers seemed delighted that the media's focus had finally shifted to their candidate's record as a young child. "It's high time that somebody looked into this," said campaign spokesperson Danika Wukich. "I think that any objective voter would much rather have a mayor who, as a first-grader, could color neatly between the lines with his crayons. When you compare Luke's record with that of Mark DeSantis, who apparently sometimes forgot to take his lunchbox home with him, I think the choice is clear. That's why all of our advertising is focused on who Luke Ravenstahl was as a small little tyke, because that's really where leadership begins: constructing low-quality Mother's Day gifts, staying in line during the Halloween parade, and remaining quiet during nap time -- those are all things that a mayor needs to do."
"Besides," she noted, "at least Luke didn't wear those ridiculous horn-rim glasses that DeSantis had in junior high! I mean, c'mon!"
Mr. DeSantis's campaign had no comment for this article, and DeSantis representatives noted that "you must be joking" when contacted for their reaction.
Ravenstahl Builds Fence Around Pittsburgh, Keeps City Workers From Escaping
Teacher's Union storms fence after hearing of FOP breakout. Mayoral challenger Mark DeSantis' battle cry, "Mr. Ravenstahl, tear down this wall," incites other unions to follow suit.
LOCAL WOMEN ARE MISTAKEN FOR STEELERS, MOBBED AT DENVER SPORTS BAR
DENVER - Steeler fans Shawna Kiley, 22, and Hanna Dobson, 23, were mistaken for Steelers Ben Roethlisber and Hines Ward while they dined at a popular Denver sports bar before Sunday's Steelers-Broncos game.
Dozens of patrons at C.B. & Potts mobbed the young women, asking for autographs and shaking their hands. As the crowd pressed in and grew unruly, police were called to restore order.
Denver Police Lt. Shamus O'Hara said that the crowd apparently was "thrown off" by the fact that Ms. Kiley was wearing a Steelers' jersey with Roethlisberger's number 7, while Ms. Dobson sported one bearing Wards' number 86.
Bartender Noah Swayne admitted that he, too, was fooled. "When I saw the one wearing number 7, all I could think of was, 'Man, does that Roethlisberger have some nice [breasts],'" said Swayne. "Then I saw the other one and thought, 'That's one fine ass that Ward's got.' I seriously thought I had turned gay."
Lt. O'Hara apologized to the women on behalf of the city of Denver. "I explained that it was an understandable mistake given that the Denver sports fan isn't terribly sophisticated," he said.
DeSANTIS FOR MAYOR SIGNS VANDALIZED IN SQUIRREL HILL
Ravenstahl supporters insist, "We were all in Harrisburg at the time."
U.S. ATTORNEY MARY BETH BUCHANAN SPOTTED IN FRONT ROW AT TOMMY CHONG CONCERT AT THE IMPROV
Prosecutor who sent Chong to prison in 2003 "ruined" show, said Chong, by not cracking a smile
LOCAL WOMAN STILL WAITING FOR BRIAN ST. PIERRE TO RETURN THE $3,200 HE BORROWED
[TO THE ARIZONA FANS WHOSE BRAINS WERE FRIED BY THE HEAT -- THIS IS A SPOOF] He was all nice to me until I gave him the money, and then he dropped me like a bad snap,” victim says
BRENTWOOD --- South Hills resident Karenna Kern, who says she loaned money to Steelers quarterback Brian St. Pierre, is still waiting for repayment a year after the original agreement.
“Brian’s a sweet guy, but I can’t afford to be out that money,” Kern said today. “I don’t want to take him to small claims court, but I don’t get a response soon, I may have to resort to that.”
Through a team spokesman, St. Pierre released this statement: “I have never met Ms. Kern, nor have I borrowed money from her or any other person. I believe Ms. Kern has been victimized by one individual using my name to solicit money for himself. It’s an unfortunate situation, and I urge her to contact local law enforcement.”
Kern refuses to believe she was actually taken in by Steelers impersonator Brian Jackson, also of Brentwood. “No, I’m sure it was Brian St. Pierre,” she insisted. “He had the jersey with the number two on it, he told me about his conversations with Ben, and he knew all the football lingo. He told me that ‘hot read’ was a passing route, but it also applied to me.” Kern blushed slightly at the memory. “I know I’m old enough to be his mother, but I just thought that he appreciated more mature women. When he asked to borrow money, I figured that third-string quarterbacks don’t make that much, so I gave it to him.”
That’s when the relationship ended. “He dropped me like a bad snap. I haven’t heard a word from him in months. At first I thought the problem was that he might be cut, but he made the roster again this year. Now we’re past the bye week and I still haven’t heard anything.”
Kern is looking for new ways to reach St. Pierre, and she would like anyone who runs into him to pass along a message. “Tell him I want my $3,200 back, and interest,” she said. “And by ‘interest’ I mean money, not ‘interest’ in me. I am so done with him.”
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