Spokesbear claims there's "hundreds, if not thousands" of Bigfoots in Commonwealth's forests; urges Game Commission to cancel bear season and institute a Bigfoot season
STATE'S BEARS WEIGH IN ON BIGFOOT CONTROVERSY
Spokesbear claims there's "hundreds, if not thousands" of Bigfoots in Commonwealth's forests; urges Game Commission to cancel bear season and institute a Bigfoot season
CNN'S NANCY GRACE GIVES BIRTH TO TWINS
The baby girl devoured the baby boy just seconds out of the womb
YARONE ZOBER CHALLENGES ENTIRE DeSANTIS CAMPAIGN TEAM TO A FIGHT, IS BEATEN BADLY
PITTSBURGH - Political insiders revealed that Mayor Ravenstahl's Chief of Staff Yarone Zober, who ran City Hall for a month while Bob O'Connor lay dying last year, came unglued during a mayoral debate Thursday night and challenged fourteen DeSantis staffers to "step outside" to fight. Much to Zober's surprise, the DeSantis team agreed.
"We were trying to listen to the debate when this crazy person, I later found out it was Zober, challenged the entire group of us to 'step outside,'" said Chad Hermann of the DeSantis team. "We thought it was a joke, but he kept it up, so to quiet him down, we went outside."
In the parking lot, Zober removed his shirt to reveal what one witness described as numerous "strange and wonderful" tattoos depicting all manner of erotic scenes. He flexed his muscles and began flailing away at the confused staffers. Sensing that Zober might pose a danger to innocent persons, Hermann, a former Olympic wrestler, punched him in the mouth and knocked him unconscious. The DeSantis staffers went back inside to watch the remainder of the debate.
Zober later claimed he won the fight. He will be released from Mercy Hospital on Wednesday, in time to clean out his office for the incoming DeSantis team.
MAYOR RAVENSTAHL HAS PLASTIC SURGERY TO LOOK LIKE BOB O'CONNOR TO OVERCOME POOR POLL RESULTS
PITTSBURGH - In a move pundits are calling a desperate attempt to salvage Tuesday's election, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has traded his youthful looks for the face of a Pittsburgh political icon, beloved late Mayor Bob O'Connor. Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober revealed that Ravenstahl had plastic surgery at Allegheny General Hospital early Saturday morning to make him look exactly like O'Connor. In addition, on Monday morning Ravenstahl will start the process of having his name legally changed to "Bob O'Connor."For the past several weeks, the mayor has been discussing with aides possible ways to overcome poor results in a secret poll commissioned by the Ravenstahl team that showed him trailing challenger Mark DeSantis. Ravenstahl has tried peppering recent campaign speeches with multiple references to O'Connor, often referring to him as his friend and mentor, but in the end it wasn't enough for the 27-year old novice. He decided he had to become O'Connor. "We decided that if we were going to lose this election, it's because people were voting against Bob O'Connor," said Zober.
Zober candidly admitted that at first it was "a little creepy" hearing Ravenstahl's monotonic voice coming out of Bob O'Connor's face. "But you get used to it."
Zober noted that Bob O'Connor's widow approves of the surgery. "She had wanted a statue erected of her late husband, but having a look-alike in the mayor's office with the same name is the next best thing."
RAVENSTAHL CLAIMS HE'S THE '7/11 PRESIDENT'
In an attempt to channel the positive juju of Presidential candidate Rudy Guiliani, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is claiming, "People will remember me what for what I did at the 7/11" -- a reference to the Mayor's stint working as convenience store clerk in high school.
SPECIAL EVENING: COMEDY SHOW TRIBUTE TO OUR FRIEND, LATE COMEDIAN SEAN CURREY
Wednesday, November 7th at 8 pm Hosted by Billy Elmer
Donations will be accepted and a portion of the ticket sales will be donated for Sean’s family.
STUDY: PEDESTRIANS MORE LIKELY TO BE STRUCK BY CARS THE DAY AFTER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME ENDS
. . . BUT, THE STUDY NOTES, THEY WILL BE WELL-RESTED
WASHOE THE SIGN LANGUAGE CHIMP KILLED IN GANG ATTACK
Beloved primate, afflicted with Tourette's syndrome, 'pissed off unruly urban youths' by repeatedly signing, "You're a bunch of fags."
LOCAL MAN 'WILL FINALLY BE RIGHT' WHEN DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME ENDS SUNDAY AND HE GETS HOUR BACK
PITTSBURGH - U.S. Postal worker Bob Haines "will finally be right" this Sunday when Daylight Savings Time ends. "I have missed that hour of sleep something awful," said Haines.Since Daylight Savings Time started last March, Haines has suffered a continuous stream of ailments, including acute headaches, chronic lethargy and bouts of severe depression. He was involved in no fewer than 13 vehicular mishaps and accidentally chopped off two fingers.
"My basement is filled to the ceiling with mail that I'm just too depressed to deliver, all because of 'Daylight Savings Time.'" Haines' words dripped with derision for the system mandated by the Federal Uniform Time Act of 1966. "In fact, I think I'm wanted for a hit-and-run in Idaho or someplace," Haines chuckled. His defense is ironclad, he says. "It's that damn hour I lost."
He's hoping this year will be like last year when Daylight Savings Time ended. Overnight his maladies disappeared, and he was his old self again. Dozens of social security beneficiaries, among countless others on Haines' mail route, were relieved that eventually he caught up on the seven months of backlogged mail strewn about his basement.
"Of course, then the whole damn thing starts up again in March," said a tired Haines.
FIRST WOMAN TO HEAD HARVARD WILL STRIP FOR MALE UNDERGRADS EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - After a little more than a year as Harvard University's first female President, Dr. Drew Gilpin Faust, 60, has taken up professional stripping again. The feisty Faust describes herself as "a rebellious daughter" who "didn't buy" her mother's advice that "it's a man's world, sweetie, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be." So at 19, she followed her free spirit and became a stripper at Club Fantastique in Chicago. Faust reportedly was the highest paid stripper in the club's history.
Faust later launched a distinguished career as an educational executive at Penn and Radcliffe, all the while working local strip clubs at night. "My secret was I never minded the guys groping me," Faust giggled, "and believe me, it really paid off in tips." Faust practically has a horselaugh when she thinks how much more money she's made than her contemporaries who majored in Women's Studies. "Schmucks!" she says derisively. "They must feel very 'empowered' -- in the poor house!"
Then finally last year, Harvard came calling. "She refused to wear the pasties," said Harvard trustee Noah Swayne. "That, frankly, was the deciding factor in her selection [at Harvard]."
While she runs Harvard during the day, starting next week on Tuesday nights, Faust will trek into Boston where she will bare it all at the Beacon Hill Breast Factory. Bradleys Roadhouse, cigar-chomping owner of the club, said that he's sold out for six months. "Having the President of Harvard stripping for us has given us much-needed cachet," he said. Roadhouse is hoping Faust will institute a homework-free Tuesday night for the male undergrads "so they can stop by and bond with their President." To prepare for the onslaught, Roadhouse says he is installing "first class peep-booths with state-of-the-art coin-operated timing mechanisms."
POST-GAZETTE ARTICLE ON WOMEN BLOGGERS BLITHELY IGNORED THE GREAT GALS AT CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM -- The crack female feature writers at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, never ones to pass up even a scintilla of a social trend, recently published an article on the supposed uptick in women bloggers. Now this "uptick," of course, is a lie because there is no demonstrable evidence whatsoever for asserting that women haven't always been the predominant bloggers. But since the feature writers aren't paid to report "news," a certain amount of prevarication is to be expected and is, in fact, commendable. There's altogether too much truth in that paper as it is.
You see, these feature writers are paid to invent "gender" stories, which is a code-word for "stories that interest women." Since men do not interest women, the stories invariably are about women. In point of fact, such stories counterbalance the remainder of the newspaper, which is entirely geared for men. (In case you haven't noticed, women are loathe to read about what's going on in the world, and they despise sports, despite the Post-Gazette's recent poll showing almost as many women as men claim to be Steelers fans -- such a lie!)
But all that is beside the point. In the course of writing this fabrication, unfortunately, the Post-Gazette ignored the little ladies here at Carbolic Smoke Ball. Allow me to sing their praises.
My gals take time out of their busy cleaning, cooking and child nurturing schedules to report local and national news. A few even try their little hands at writing sports, even though don’t really know all the nuances men do, and I end up correcting their innumerable mistakes. Yes, they burst into tears when that happens, but otherwise they remain cheerful and polite even in the face of adversity. Plus, they make a mean cup of coffee for me every morning!
Sure, they make less money than the male writers, but that’s just the way of the world and I can’t do anything about it. (I have bigger fish to fry, what with the Pirates looking for a new manager and all.) But I reward my gals each day with a big hug and a kiss.
I only hope that, someday, the Post-Gazette will learn to appreciate women as much as I do.
BUSH TO CALIFORNIA FIRE VICTIMS: "WE WILL HELP YOU REBUILD"
Disaster relief effort promises "nice, sub-prime mortgages" for all displaced homeowners
GOP CANDIDATES PROVE PARTY IS A 'BIG TENT' BY POSING WITH SOME BLACK GUY
Republican presidential candidates McCain, Thompson, Romney and Giuliani take time out from attacking each other to demonstrate that the Republican party is indeed "a big tent" by posing with some black guy.
COME OUT AND SEE JOHN McINTIRE THURSDAY NIGHT!
8:00 PM, Thursday, November 1st 
With Gene Collier and Gab Bonesso
The Pittsburgh Improv at the Waterfront
166 East Bridge Street
The Stacks at the Waterfront
Tickets: $10
Homestead, PA 15120
412-462-5233
Come out and see iconoclast and comedian John McIntire as he performs a wickedly funny stand-up routine about sex, politics and religion. Warning: This show is not for the fainthearted. Concerning a show earlier this year, Carbolic Smoke Ball wrote: "The one and only, . . . brilliant, John McIntire made a no-holds barred guest appearance -- and I mean no-holds barred. His story about Myron Cope's appearance on his television show was nothing short of breathtaking." (John, you've got to do that one Thursday.)
MIKE LANGE’S LATEST GOAL CALLS HINT AT LINGERING RESENTMENT
“Buy Sam a drink and SCREW Fox Sports, too!” is just one the newest, colorful sayings by the hall-of-fame broadcaster. Also raising eyebrows: “Look out Loretta, they’re forcing me out of television!”
In addition: “Elvis has just left the building because Steigerwald was sitting in his seat!”
“He beat him like a rented middle-management, cable-station lackey!”
"Scratch my back with a hacksaw and try to get the knife out.”
“He doesn't know whether to cry, wind his watch or take a lower paying radio job.”
JUDGE ORDERS YOUTH RELEASED FROM 'BODIES' EXHIBIT
PITTSBURGH - Allegheny County Judge R. Stanton Wettick today ordered the Carnegie Science Center to release Jason Baehr, 22, who had been skinned and held captive in a state of suspended animation by a procedure called plastination at the "Bodies" exhibit.
Baehr was captured by mercenaries while traveling in China two years ago and his body was sold to the exhibitors of the controversial "Bodies" show and put on display.
He will undergo skin grafts, and doctors say he should look like his old self in a few months.
Baehr's release was credited to the efforts of his high school girlfriend, Melissa Paige, 22, who got the shock of her life while visiting the "Bodies" exhibit last week. Paige, who recognized the body as Baehr's, noticed movement in his organ of copulation when she touched his hand, and she knew he was alive.
Shortly after the Judge issued his ruling, authorities entered the Science Center accompanied by physicians who injected Baehr's body with adrenaline and other drugs. He slowly emerged from his artificial stupor and uttered his first words in the ambulance on the way to Mercy Hospital, "I'm hungry." Later at the hospital, Baehr personally thanked Paige and the two agreed to start dating again upon his release.
HURRICANE CENTER RUNS OUT OF NAMES, RESORTS TO "FORBIDDEN LIST." FIRST UP: "HURRICANE LEE HARVEY OSWALD"
"OSWALD" BUILDS UP STEAM IN CARRIBBEAN AND HEADS FOR KENNEDY COMPOUND IN FLORIDA PALM BEACH, Fla - For the first time in history, the National Hurricane Center has run out of names for hurricanes so it must resort to a list of heretofore "forbidden names" that Hurricane Center officials hoped never would be used. As a result, the next storm on the horizon is Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald, the same name as the assassin of President John F. Kennedy.
As of last night, Hurricane Oswald was building up steam in the Carribbean and appeared headed on a straight path for Palm Beach Florida, the situs of the winter compound of the Kennedy clan. U.S. Senator Edward M. Kennedy said, "Oh, no, Oswald is coming for us again."
In another irony, the Director of the Hurricane Center is named Jack Ruby, the same name as the gunman who killed Lee Harvey Oswald two days after President Kennedy's assassination. The current Ruby said he will take all reasonable precautions to keep the citizens of Palm Beach out of harm's way. But Senator Kennedy is skeptical. "Unlike the previous Jack Ruby, let's hope this one takes appropriate action before the harm occurs."
After Hurricane Oswald, according to the Hurricane Center, there will be Hurricane Timothy McVeigh; Hurricane Adolf Hitler; and Hurricane Enron.
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY LISTS SCARIEST FILMS EVER MADE
3. American Werewolf in London2. Nightmare on Elm Street
1. Pirates 2007 Highlight Film
PEOPLE MAGAZINE RELEASES NFL QUARTERBACK RATINGS
Game stats are meaningless in rankings, as “hot girlfriends” are the only criterion; Tom Brady leads, with Roethlisberger a distant third
NEW YORK --- In an attempt to attract more young male readers, People Magazine has inaugurated a new ratings system that will evaluate NFL quarterbacks based on the women they date. People’s Sports Editor Bob Brenneman unveiled the rankings at a press conference, and, as expected, Tom Brady leads all quarterbacks with a perfect 158.0 rating.
NEW YORK --- In an attempt to attract more young male readers, People Magazine has inaugurated a new ratings system that will evaluate NFL quarterbacks based on the women they date. People’s Sports Editor Bob Brenneman unveiled the rankings at a press conference, and, as expected, Tom Brady leads all quarterbacks with a perfect 158.0 rating.“Just as the Patriots seems to play in a league all their own in the NFL, Tom Brady is in his own league with women,” Brenneman said today. “Supermodels are drawn to him. Not only does he have a child with one, he is currently dating Gisele Bundchen. It doesn’t get much better than that, and it earns him the maximum rating.”
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo came in second at 121.0. “Romo has a history of dating beautiful women like Sophia Bush and Carrie Underwood, putting him in a strong second,” Brenneman continued. “Unfortunately, he was seen with Britney Spears over the weekend, and that may hurt him in the next poll. Britney’s a little bit crazy and not so hot anymore.”
Even if Romo falls slightly, the sports editor doesn’t think he will slip below Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger is a distant third in the People rankings, with a rating of 78.0. People’s editors note that although the Steelers QB is a handsome, virile young man, he’s made some public missteps. “First of all, Ben admitted he was using Internet dating in 2005. Then he was dating an LPGA golfer,” Brenneman said. “That’s kind of a shallow pool when it comes to hot, straight women, if you get my drift. When he did a photo shoot with an actress and rumors started about the two of them, she immediately denied the relationship. That kind of thing hurts his rating, not to mention being a blow to his ego.”
Brenneman doesn’t foresee any big changes in the rankings, unless there’s a drastic change in the Steelers’ roster. “If [kicker] Jeff Reed ever switches to quarterback, Ben will sink like a stone,” the editor said. “Reed’s got a physique not usually seen on mere mortals. I think even Gisele would leave Tom for him.”
MAYOR SKIPS MEETING WITH BLACK, WOMEN'S GROUPS TO AWAIT ARRIVAL OF GREAT PUMPKIN
Is evasive about his whereabouts.
No apologies to the local newspaper cartoonist who printed a similar entry in his paper on October 30, since Carbolic Smoke Ball had this same idea last year: http://carbolicsmokeblog.blogspot.com/2006/10/advisors-warn-mayor-not-to-make-fool.html
TRAVEL CHANNEL SELECTS WECHT'S HOUSE CREEPIEST DESTINATION IN US
"If you can’t travel to Vlad the Impaler’s castle in Transylvania, this is the next best thing.”
HALLOWEEN DECORATING GETS COMPETITIVE: MT. LEBANON FAMILY OFFERS TO BURY RECENTLY DECEASED IN FRONT YARD
MOUNT LEBANON, Pa. - Halloween decorating has gotten competitive in posh Mt. Lebanon. The Robert Haas family in the Virginia Manor neighborhood is offering free burial space in their front yard to the recently deceased. The Haas children are pushing the idea, and their parents, Robert and Judi, are going along with it because the children "promise" to care for the graves even after Halloween is over.
PENNDOT UNVEILS PLAN TO DEAL WITH SNOW AND ICE THIS WINTER
"Spring" an integral part of agency's one-point plan
PEDUTO: "I'M NOT ENCOURAGING DEMOCRATS TO DO ANYTHING IN THIS RACE"
Noting he was late for a lunch date with iJustine, the city councilman added, "In other words, they can just do what I've done."
Freaked by On-Line Mayoral Poll Results, Ravenstahl Hacks KDKA's Server
Screws up, casts 1000 votes for "Dancing With The Stars" instead
DEAR ABBY: HUSBAND'S AFFAIR WITH COLLEGE-AGE WOMAN CAN WORK DESPITE AGE DIFFERENCE -- IF GIVEN THE CHANCE
DEAR ABBY: My husband, Bob, just turned 50. We've been happily married for 24 years. Last night I learned that Bob has been having an affair for the past year with a 20 year old college woman. I am at a loss to know how to react, Abby, because I am in shock. Help! -- JUDI IN PITTSBURGHDEAR JUDI IN PITTSBURGH: React? I'd say you are overreacting because many successful relationships involve couples of different ages. Fifty is the new twenty-five, and your husband is as young as he feels. But a word to the wise: the likelihood of this relationship succeeding is greatly diminished if people won't give it a chance.
_______________
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office of four people. The oldest lady in the group consistently commandeers the thermostat to keep the air conditioning going at full blast even when it's cold outside. All the other workers are constantly cold. She' s my superior, but I would like to know how to handle this situation. -- FROZEN OUT
DEAR FROZEN OUT: I know who this is, ALLISON CURRY. Just wait until you're my age and you're hot all the time, then let's see how quick you are to criticize, you judgemental jackass. But don't worry, you won't be cold any longer because you're FIRED.
NFL RULES OUT FURTHER GAMES IN LONDON DUE TO 'FLABBY, UNAPPEALING' STREAKERS WHO ARE 'A DISGRACE TO EXHIBITIONISM'
Disgusted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said streaker who interrupted Dolphins-Giants game in London "did nothing for me whatsoever"
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