PETER COTTONTAIL CRITICALLY WOUNDED BY ROADSIDE BOMB ALONG BUNNY TRAIL OUTSIDE BAGHDAD
U.S. CLAIMS BELOVED RABBIT IGNORED WARNINGS TO REMAIN INSIDE THE GREEN ZONE
MR. ROONEY SAYS MICHAEL CORLEONE'S GANGLAND KILLINGS 'PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED' BECAUSE HE WAS ATTENDING A BAPTISM
Steeler patriarch explains release of Cedrick Wilson: "Today, I settle all family business."
STEELERS CUT CEDRIC WILSON, ANNOUNCE ZERO-TOLERANCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE POLICY FOR PLAYERS WHO SUCK
Dan Rooney assures fans, team that "great players and Pro Bowlers" are "still free to beat their hos senseless"
POPE EXPECTED TO WAIVE GOOD FRIDAY FAST AND ABSTINENCE FOR NCAA TOURNAMENT FANS
Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI will issue a papal edict this morning waiving Fast and Abstinence status for Good Friday so that billions of Catholic basketball fans can fully enjoy the NCAA tournament, eating hotdogs and drinking beer, without violating their conscience. A Vatican spokesman was adamant this would be the only concession the Church would make for the tournament. All other restrictions remain in place. “The decision by the Holy Father does not diminish the sacrifice that Good Friday celebrates,” said the spokesman, “but should be seen as recognition of the genuine suffering observant Catholics who also love the game of basketball would endure should they be denied the right to watch their favorite team while gorging themselves with meat products and drinking heavily in The Big Dance.”
The Vatican said the Pope's action, while rare, is not without precedent. Similarly, in 1939, Pope Pius XII removed Holy Day of Obligation status for moviegoers attending the premiere of “Gone With The Wind.” The film opened on the Feast of the Assumption.
Pope Benedict’s love of basketball is well-known. For years, he ran the College of Cardinals NCAA Men ’s Tournament poll. He’s also the captain of his team – the Papal Bulls – in the Vatican Rec-League over-seventy division.
A request to review a copy of the Pope’s brackets by a writer for this website remains unanswered.
"Mr. Rogers" actor once beat a stagehand to death with a blood-soaked puppet
PITTSBURGH - Irving J. Mendelbaum, who portrayed beloved children's television's "Fred Rogers," was a former convict and three-time divorcee who once beat a stagehand to death with a blood-soaked puppet for complaining about his salary, then urinated on the body before forcing his minions to dump it in the Allegheny River. These are a few of the startling revelations in a book to be released tomorrow, Even the Puppets Hated Him, by former staffer Helen Palsgraf that exposes an almost unbelievably dark side to the late children's show host.
"I'm sure readers will find it amusing that this mild-mannered, beloved TV personality could be a monster, but there was nothing amusing about it for those of us who lived through it," said Joe "Handyman" Negri. "I was there when the stagehand was killed. Not only did we have to ditch the body, but he ordered me to burn the puppet, which was caked with blood. Ever wonder why 'Goliath the Donkey' disappeared from the show without explanation?"
David Newell, who played Mr. McFeely, a mainstay in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, put it bluntly: "Mendelbaum was the most twisted man who ever lived." Newell cocks his head to reveal that half of his left ear is missing. "I made the mistake of wearing his sweater as a gag one time. Soon as he saw me, he charged at me, teeth bared like a wild dog. Now I'm totally deaf in that ear."
The entire staff of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood lived in constant fear of being fired. "If Mendelbaum wanted to give you the ax, he'd called your house on Christmas Eve and have one of your kids relay the termination notice. And believe me, the ones who were let go, they were the lucky ones," Newell said.
Despite his enormous wealth, Mendelbaum "made Ebenezer Scrooge look like a philanthropist," Negri said. Paychecks never came on time. "A month late was not unusual," according to Negri. When Mendelbaum was in a generous mood and decided it was "payday," he would stand at the top of the staircase at WQED's studio in Pittsburgh, where his offices were located, and gleefully toss bills down the steps just to watch staff members fight each other for them.
"And heaven help you if you ever fouled up," said Newell. Like the time Mendelbaum's longtime pianist Johnny Costa missed a cue. "Irving stormed over to the piano, opened the lid and ripped out a wire, then he started to strangle Johnny with it," said Negri. "It took three of us to pull him off." Costa was never the same, Negri said. He died the following month. At the funeral home, Mendelbaum exposed himself to Costa's distraught widow "just for fun," said Newell. She rebuked him and he stormed out. Before he left the parking lot, he defecated on her car.
"The happiest moment of my life was when they lowered him into the earth," said Negri. "Every year on the anniversary of his death, Dave Newell and I and the rest of the gang from the old 'neighborhood' go out there and pee on his grave - just because we can."
FEDERAL RESERVE TAKES BOLD STEPS TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE IN BRITNEY SPEARS
Fed hopes vigorous action will prop up troubled star to prevent the other marginally talented celebrities from collapsing like a house of cards
OBAMA PICKS A RUNNING MATE
Illinois Senator calls Rev. Jeremiah Wright the "perfect choice" to help bring fundamental change to the US of KKKA.
OBAMA: PASTOR'S INFLAMMATORY CLAIMS WERE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT
"What Rev. Wright actually meant," the Illinois Senator explained, "is that Republicans created AIDS to kill blacks."
BIN LADEN, AL-ZAWAHIRI AT ODDS OVER SPRING CLEANING; AL QAEDA CHIEF SAYS PEOPLE LEADING JIHAD DO NOT SCRUB CAVES
(Peshawar ) - Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most hunted terrorist and self-proclaimed leader of a global holy war against America , will not participate in traditional spring cleaning rituals. Bin Laden announced his intentions in a video released to, and broadcast on, the Al-Jazeera network. “My roommate, Dr. Al-Zawahiri, has been pestering me for weeks about giving this cave a good scrubbing, but I’m sick of looking at these rock walls,” he said. “Let him take me out once in a while, and I’d be more agreeable to performing domestic chores.” Mr. Bin Laden went on to describe a litany of insults he has been subjected to by Dr. Al-Zawahiri since the two men went into hiding following the United States invasion of Afghanistan in 2001. Chief among those insults was a failure of Dr. Al-Zawahiri to express gratitude to Mr. Bin Laden for his willingness to prepare food on a daily basis. “There’s not a day goes by he doesn’t come home from a hard day of fomenting hatred and doesn’t have a hot meal on the table,” Bin Laden complained. “You think he’d ever say thanks?”
CIA officials who examined the tape believe it is authentic. One analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity, said “the walls of that cave appear to have built up a significant amount of grime and dust,” leading the agency to conclude it was made within the past several weeks.
WECHT JURY SENDS QUESTION TO JUDGE SCHWAB
PITTSBURGH - The six men and six women deliberating the fate of former coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht sent Judge Arthur Schwab a question this afternoon that read as follows: "If a woman in Carrick traveling at 20 miles an hour, and a man in Brookline traveling at 15 miles an hour, both leave their homes at the same time, which one gets to the U.S. Steel Tower first? We have a dinner riding on your answer."
The Judge met with counsel for close to a half hour, and after bickering over the wording of the response, scribbled this message to the jury: "The woman from Carrick. But it depends on where she parks."
Legal scholars agree that the question was "somewhat peculiar," and it may indicate that the jurors have been sidetracked from the issues in dispute.
OBAMA DENIES HE KNEW PASTOR'S INNERMOST THOUGHTS
"I did not have spiritual relations with that man, Reverend Wright," the Illinois Senator said.
BERT AND ERNIE WED, LONG-TIME COMPANIONS JOINED IN CIVIL UNION, WILL RUN BED AND BREAKFAST IN VERMONT
Bennington - Bert and Ernie, the comic duo who made each visit to Sesame Street a laugh-filled trip for millions of pre-school children, were joined in a civil union at City Hall yesterday. The newlyweds plan to open a bed and breakfast resort in the Green Mountains. The ceremony was performed by the Chief Justice of the Vermont Supreme Court, Thad Gould. “This has been a long-time coming,” said Chief Justice Gould. “Ernie, I’m glad you finally made an honest man out of Bert.” The steps of City Hall were packed with well-wishers and activists seeking to capitalize on the celebrity of the individuals involved to advance their own agendas. “Bert and Ernie were forced to keep their true feelings for one another bottled up in a dingy below-street flat for over thirty years,” shouted one man. “Poor Ernie spent a lifetime giving his love to a rubber ducky, because that’s what society made him do!”
Numerous friends from the old Sesame Street neighborhood attended the ceremony. Oscar the Grouch, who has been an outspoken opponent of human feelings, was clearly unhappy. “What a waste of time. This whole thing stinks worse than the bottom of my garbage can.” Mr. Grouch was pessimistic about the long-term prospects of the newly-legalized relationship. “Believe me, Ernie is really driving Bert crazy. Bert only agreed to this to shut Ernie up. It won’t be long before the cops find Ernie on the floor with Bert’s paper clip collection shoved down his throat.”
WECHT JURY SENDS NOTE TO JUDGE, DEMANDS BARABBAS BE RELEASED INSTEAD OF FAMOUS CORONER
Twenty minutes into the jury's deliberations following the conclusion of the Cyril Wecht trial late Monday in Pittsburgh, the jury sent Judge Arthur Schwab a note demanding the release of an insurrectionist named Barabbas instead of Dr. Wecht. The judge summoned the jury to return to the courtroom where he questioned them about the note. "I have received your note calling for the release of a Mr. Barabbas instead of Dr. Wecht," the judge noted. "What am I to do with Dr. Wecht?"
The jury shouted, "Crucify him!"
"Now see here," the judge chided the jury, "I see no cause to put this man to death. I am ordering you to return to the deliberation room and to put this Barabbas nonsense out of your heads." A bailiff led the jury back to the deliberation room.
Approximately one-half hour later, the judge received another note from the jury demanding Barabbas's release in terms more vociferous than the first, as shown by the use of all capital letters. While he was reading the note Judge Schwab's wife entered his chambers to implore him not to harm Dr. Wecht. "I had a dream about this man, and know that he is innocent."
Judge Schwab sent the jury home for the evening and reportedly is considering the jury's demand. But insiders say he may recuse himself instead and allow visiting judge Pontius Pilate to assume the adjudication of the trial.
DOLLY LAMA, OF PITCAIRN, SICK OF DIRECTING PEOPLE TO TIBETAN CONSULATE; MAY GET UNLISTED NUMBER
PITCAIRN - Dolly Lama is at her wit’s end. “The phone never stops ringing. If it’s not somebody from Amnesty International, it’s Richard Gere. Every time I answer I tell them the same thing: I’m not that Dolly Lama.” The person they’re trying to reach, of course, is the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Ms. Lama understands the confusion, and she sympathizes. “The spelling of our names is nearly identical, so it’s easy to see where the mix-up occurs. I’m sure Mr. Lama is sick and tired of getting phone calls and mail intended for me.” As proof, Ms. Lama produces a dog-eared copy of her AARP membership renewal form that was mailed to Mr. Lama’s home in Northern India and forwarded to her. “You can tell he’s getting mad about this whole situation by the hand-written note he wrote on the envelope,” she said. In bold, black letters, Mr. Lama scrawled "I’M NOT HER!"
With recent riots in the Himalayas in favor of Tibetan autonomy, and the subsequent crackdown by the Chinese government, Ms. Lama hasn’t had a moment’s peace. “That Charles Gibson fellow from ABC is a real jerk. I couldn’t get him off the line. When I finally told him to go to hell, he told me I guess I’ve got the wrong Dolly Lama!”
Ms. Lama said she’s calling the phone company the first thing tomorrow morning and finding out how to get an unlisted number. “If Mr. Lama had any brains, he’d do the same thing,” she said.
PITT WINS BIG EAST TOURNAMENT; FANS IMMEDIATELY CALL SPORTS TALK RADIO SHOWS AND DEMAND JAMIE DIXON BE FIRED
"This win just proves that we should have won it every year," said Bradley from Blawnox.
Breaking news in the Trib p.m.: Redd Up crew that accidentally ruptured gas line assigned to create more potholes
Check out the Carbolic Smoke Ball page in today's Trib p.m.
REPUBLICAN PARTY APOLOGIZES FOR OFFENSIVE ST. PATRICK'S DAY FLOAT
PITTSBURGH - Allegheny County Republican Chairman Robert Glancy apologized for what he deemed an “insensitive and inappropriate” float submitted by the City of Pittsburgh Republican party at Saturday's St. Patrick's Day Parade. “Placing your slate of candidates in the back of a convertible with a sign that says 'Best wishes from the Republican Party and your Lord and Protector Oliver Cromwell' isn’t the way to win votes,” said Glancy. “This is even worse than last year,” he said. In 2007, the city Republican Party float was entitled, “A Salute to the Potato Famine.”
GOTHAM POLICE CHIEF CHAUNCY O’HARA NAMED GRAND MARSHAL, WILL LEAD ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE
PITTSBURGH - Gotham City Police Chief Chauncy O’Hara served as Grand Marsall at Pittsburgh’s annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade on Saturday. O’Hara, who retired from the Gotham City Police force in 1978 after capturing “Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz, informed Mayor Ravenstahl that he was glad to be in a town “that didn’t have to worry about arch-criminals.” O’Hara said he was surprised by the appearance of our city. “I always heard it was smoky, and black and dirty. But it’s actually quite pretty.” When told he was now, officially, the one millionth person to express those sentiments, he appeared surprised. “Saints preserve us!” he exclaimed. Mayor Ravenstahl announced that 16 people were arrested Saturday for violating an executive order making it illegal to greet anyone “by placing an "O" in front of their last name in an attempt to create a faux Celtic connection between the person being greeted and the Irish race.” Ravenstahl explained that violators were fined seventy-five dollars and received a punch in the mouth, "in honor of the day."
POPE EXCOMMUNICATES FATHER O’MALLEY; LOCAL KIDS REMEMBER ERRANT CLERIC AS “REAL SWELL GUY”
VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI issued a papal edict this morning excommunicating beloved Irish-American archetype priest Father Charles O’Malley. The edict said Father O’Malley was excommunicated for deviating from Church doctrine and acceptable liturgical practices. “It has been brought to my attention that Father O’Malley has, on repeated occasions, inserted the expression ‘boo boo boo boo’ while reciting the Lord’s Prayer,” said the Pope. “Such cavalier treatment of the original text is contrary to the intentions of our Lord, who, undoubtedly, never uttered the words ‘boo boo boo boo’.”The edict also expressed disapproval over Father O’Malley’s use of baseball and jazz as a means of bringing the Gospel message to local juvenile delinquents. “Better they should be contemplating the mysteries of our existence than the mysteries of the infield fly rule.” Father O’Malley was unavailable for comment. A secretary at the parish center said he was off on the road to Morocco, leading a group of pilgrims to the shrine of St. Dorothy Lamour.
A group of teenage parishioners, informed of Father O’Malley’s excommunication, expressed disappointment. One boy, who identified himself as “Pee Wee,” wept openly. “Gee, this is terrible,” he cried. “Father was a real swell priest.” Pee Wee said that O’Malley had taken several street gangs in the area and turned them into youth choirs. “Oh well,” he said. “I guess I’ll have to go back to beating up old ladies and stealing hubcaps.”
REPUBLICANS IN 27 STATES CALL FOR 'DO-OVER' PRIMARIES
GOP VOTERS THOUGHT THEY WERE VOTING FOR "DIE HARD" HERO JOHN McCLANE WHEN THEY VOTED FOR SEN. JOHN McCAIN
LOCAL MAN TO AUCTION HIS 8-TRACK TAPE COLLECTION ON EBAY
Starting bid will be $.01, with no reserve; Post-Gazette to provide round-the-clock coverage
BRAWL ERUPTS BETWEEN CLINTON, OBAMA CAMPAIGNS FOLLOWING DEBATE; CANDIDATES COULD BE RULED INELIGIBLE FOR FRIDAYS TOWN HALL MEETING
PITTSBURGH - A fight broke out last night between the campaign teams of Senator Hilary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama following a hard-fought debate contest in which Obama prevailed. The status of both candidates, and members of their staffs, could be in jeopardy for Friday evenings’ town hall meeting at the Berkeley Hills VFW Post.
According to witnesses, the brawl started when both sides were heading for their respective locker rooms through a common tunnel following a spirited ninety minute clash at Hempfield High School . A security guard working the debate, who did not wish to provide his name, said he had to restrain Senator Clinton during the altercation. “There were a lot of punches thrown, and she would have been right in there throwing her share if I hadn’t held her back,” he said. A Clinton campaign spokesman acknowledged that “tensions were high” between both groups, and that “words were exchanged” between the candidates as they moved through the handshake line following the debate.
A representative of the Obama campaign said Senator Clinton called Senator Obama “inexperienced.” Senator Obama is alleged to have called Senator Clinton a “monster.” An emergency hearing before Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean is scheduled for this evening. It is possible Chairman Dean could levy a one-debate suspension that would make either one, or both candidates ineligible for Friday night’s town hall meeting. A ruling is expected following the hearing.
POPULAR LEPRECHAUN ASSAULTED; POLICE SAY VICTIM’S UNWILLINGNESS TO PART WITH FROSTED LUCKY CHARMS RESULTED IN FRACTURED SKULL, COMA
PITTSBURGH - Lucky, a popular leprechaun who has spent his entire life extolling the virtues of frosted Lucky Charms, a breakfast cereal he insists is "magically delicious," was brutally beaten and left for dead by unknown assailants this morning. Witnesses found his limp, broken, bloody body in a pile of pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers on the corner of Formosa Way in Homewood. The area is known for numerous leprechaun sightings and leprechaun related activity. He was taken by life-flight helicopter to Mercy Hospital , where he remains in critical condition. Police suspect Mr. Lucky, who has a reputation for playfully taunting people interested in obtaining Lucky Charms, only to deny them an opportunity to consume the sugary-sweet, toasted oat and marshmallow concoction at the last possible moment, ran afoul of the wrong crowd. “Kids today are always after their lucky charms,” said Commander Gwen Elliott, head of the Task Force on Leprechaun Violence. “And they’ll do whatever they have to do, even beating someone to death, to get their hands on them.”
Many local Irish American fraternal organizations are asking police to treat the incident as a hate crime. Mike Loftus, President of the Ancient Order of Parade-Goers, said “the attack on Lucky is a reminder that the grim struggle against anti-Irish sentiments in our society remains as intractable today as it did in the days of Horace Greeley and the Nativist Party.”
STUDY: NORTH SHORE WILL BRING CRIME TO THE NEW CASINO
PITTSBURGH - Contrary to expectations that the new casino will bring crime to the North Shore, a new study concludes just the opposite -- the North Shore will bring crime to the casino.
A Rollings Institute study said that the typical casino patron will be a 71-year-old woman visiting with a church group. Henry Rollings explained the study's conclusions: "Those old gals won't stand a chance between the North Shore's roving youth gangs looking to rob, rape and possibly mutilate the bodies of the elderly, and the drunken, belligerent Steeler fans who have no compunction about pissing all over them. Never mind about winning a few shekels at the slots, the real trick for casino-goers will be to stay alive."
Casino owner Don Barden said there's only one way to make his patrons feel safe. "We need to rid the North Shore of every last negro, and the Steelers."
STEELERS ANNOUNCE NEW SEASON-LONG TRAINING REGIMEN
Coach Mike Tomlin says he'll get the most out of his defense by having them practice against their wives and girlfriends
CLINTON, OBAMA PROMISE TO ADDRESS ISSUES VITAL TO WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA VOTERS; CANDIDATES CLASH OVER STEELERS DRAFT NEEDS
PITTSBURGH - Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama brought their presidential campaigns to town yesterday and immediately began to draw distinctions between each other in an attempt to win votes. In a series of sharp exchanges, the candidates clashed over the most significant regional issue: the 2008 NFL Draft.
“My opponent believes the Steelers should select a big-play wide receiver with their first selection,” Senator Clinton told a crowded rally at the North Side Elks Club. “I think they should take a left tackle to protect Big Ben’s hundred million dollar back side. The differences between us are crystal clear.”
Senator Obama reacted sharply to his opponents remarks. “The people of Western Pennsylvania are ready for change. They are tired of the same old draft days, just as they’re tired of the same old politics. I’m the candidate who is going to change the way things are done in Washington , but first, we’ve got to change the way things are done on the South Side.”
Both candidates are scheduled to appear at a Town Hall meeting in the Great Hall at Heinz Field Friday evening. The event, which will be televised, is scheduled to be moderated by Post-Gazette Steelers beat writer Ed Bouchette, Steelers Digest Editor Bob Labriola, and Steelers Director of Football Operations Kevin Colbert. The meeting is free and open to the public. Gates open at seven o’clock.
NEW YORK VOTERS SAY, IN HINDSIGHT, THEY SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING
SPITZER’S CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, “WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS IS A GOOD FIFTY-FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR AN HOUR PROSTITUTE” WAS EARLY WARNING SIGN
Prescription drugs found in tap water
CITY OF PITTSBURGH UNVEILS NEW HEALTH PLAN: THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN ON THE 5th FLOOR OF THE CITY-COUNTY BUILDING
OBAMA CHOOSES A RUNNING MATE: THAT ANNOYING KID FROM "AMERICAN IDOL"
Illinois Senator calls David Archuleta the "perfect choice" to join him on a platform of "change, hope, and phony earnestness"
RENDELL CAUGHT IN CHEESESTEAK SCANDAL
Investigators say governor spent thousands of dollars at Pat’s while claiming loyalty to Geno’sPHILADELPHIA --- A political bombshell hit Philadelphia today when it was revealed that Governor Ed Rendell has been patronizing Pat’s Cheesesteaks after 21 years of commitment to Geno’s.
The scandal came to light after Rendell’s bank informed federal investigators of the transfer of large sums of money to Pat’s. Through wiretaps, investigators determined that Pat’s employees were referring to the governor when an order came in for “Client Nine.” It also appears that the governor ordered the same items repeatedly, as one worker is quoted as saying, “Yup, same as in the past. No question about it.”
Political analyst Terry Madonna isn’t surprised by the event. “Food has always been his downfall," the Franklin & Marshall professor said today. "He’s probably cheated [on Geno] hundreds of times, but this is the first time he’s been caught.”
Reaction from Geno’s customers was swift. “You can cheat on your girlfriend and you can cheat on your taxes, but you don’t cheat on Geno,” landscaper Noah Swayne said. “And Pat’s? Pat’s? Doesn’t the man have any taste?”
The governor made only a brief statement to reporters. With Geno at his side, Mr. Rendell said, “I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standards I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my cheesesteak provider.”
Geno made no comments and kept his eyes downcast throughout Rendell’s statement. They left the room together as reporters shouted questions about Rendell’s political future.
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