City Solicitor George Specter's Latest Legal Opinion Just In: Homestead Strike Was Illegal
A long-awaited legal opinion from the office of the city solicitor is in: The Carnegie Steel Company acted appropriately when it looked workers out of its Homestead Works in June of 1892. The lockout touched off the deadliest labor battle in U.S. history."This action was consistent with a 4-year-old industry practice of trading six poorly dressed union workers for one well-put-together scab so as to cut down on visual blight," Specter's opinion explained. "Whereas the practice was not codified by city ordinance, there was considerable legal precedent to prospectively support the company's actions."
Legal scholars busily interpreted the cryptic legalese. Mr. Specter's office said Specter was not available to explain the opinion, and that even if he were available, "it wouldn't help."
BUSH PARDONS BURT REYNOLDS FOR CANNONBALL RUN II; 1984 SEQUEL EXPUNGED FROM ACTOR’S FILMOGRAPHY
Washington D.C. - President Bush issued a formal pardon to actor Burt Reynolds for his role in the planning, creation and execution of one of Hollywood ’s most dastardly crimes: Cannonball Run II. The President cited Mr. Reynold’s subsequent work in such quality films as “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and “Rent-A-Cop” as a mitigating factor in his decision.
Mr. Bush presented the pardon to Mr. Reynolds in a White House ceremony this morning. Mr. Reynolds was flanked at the podium by two of his long-time co-stars Dom Deluise and Jim Nabors. “Mr. Reynolds has endured the sting of barbed comments from comedians and critics alike for nearly twenty-five years as a result of his participation in this heinous production,” said Mr. Bush. “He has paid his debt to society. Let the healing begin.”
The presidential pardon expunges any mention of Cannonball Run II from Mr. Reynolds' filmography. Mr. Reynolds expressed his gratitude and his regrets to the President. “I would give anything to have that picture back,” he said. “But I did it, and I’m not proud of it, and I promise you, and the American people, that I will redeem your faith in me by never doing anything like it again.”
A pardon application from actress Elizabeth Berklee for her role in Paul Verhoeven’s 1995 film “Showgirls” remains pending. A spokesman for Mr. Bush said the President “needs to watch the movie a few more times” before making up his mind.
MONSTER POTHOLE EXPOSES FORT PITT REMNANTS
A pothole on Commonwealth Place, so large that it can be seen from outer space, yesterday exposed the long lost ruins of Fort Pitt dating from the 1760s.
Mayor Ravenstahl credits the discovery to the failure of the Department of Public Works to do its job. “This momentous archeological find should silence all the bellyachers who complain the city has too many potholes,” explained the mayor.
Mayor Ravenstahl credits the discovery to the failure of the Department of Public Works to do its job. “This momentous archeological find should silence all the bellyachers who complain the city has too many potholes,” explained the mayor.
Ravenstahl said the city will preserve all potholes until they are examined by special archeologists, who will drive city-owned take-home cars. “I’m hoping we find something really old, like dating from the Reagan administration,” said the mayor.
WECHT JURORS HOPELESSLY DEADLOCKED
Foreman tells Judge, "We can't decide if he's guilty, or just a big fat jerk"
FIFTY YEARS AGO IN THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL:
April 4, 1938
HI-DE-HO MEETS HEIL-DE-HO! CAB CALLOWAY, HITLER DISCUSS FUTURE OF NATIONAL SOCIALISM, JIVE
BERLIN - Popular American Negro bandleader Cab Calloway met with German leader Adolph Hitler yesterday in an attempt to improve relations between the two countries. “The Fuehrer is a righteous cat. He may be from Bavaria, but he’s from southern Bavaria, if you dig what I’m putting down,” said Mr. Calloway, as both men emerged from the conference room. “I haven’t felt this good since Minnie the Moocher’s wedding day.”
HI-DE-HO MEETS HEIL-DE-HO! CAB CALLOWAY, HITLER DISCUSS FUTURE OF NATIONAL SOCIALISM, JIVE
BERLIN - Popular American Negro bandleader Cab Calloway met with German leader Adolph Hitler yesterday in an attempt to improve relations between the two countries. “The Fuehrer is a righteous cat. He may be from Bavaria, but he’s from southern Bavaria, if you dig what I’m putting down,” said Mr. Calloway, as both men emerged from the conference room. “I haven’t felt this good since Minnie the Moocher’s wedding day.”
Mr. Calloway described his discussions with Mr. Hitler as “solid” and “jive-free.” According to a copy of the minutes released to the press, topics included ways to alleviate tensions between Germany and Czechoslovakia and the possibility of bringing National Socialism to Harlem . Mr. Calloway declined to address specific details, but hinted that a solution to the Czech crisis is imminent. “The Fuehrer is hep to the idea of peace in our time, you dig? My man Adolph knows that war is nothing but a solid drag.”
Mr. Calloway addressed the Reichstag last night. After a rousing introduction by Dr. Josef Goebbels, Mr. Calloway walked to the podium as a thunderous chant of “Heil De Heil De Heil De Heil” filled the chamber. A clearly moved Calloway wiped his eyes and managed to say “Thanks, Daddy” before stepping aside to regain his composure. His remarks were interrupted by applause numerous times. Following a weekend at Mr. Hitler’s Berchtesgaden home, Mr. Calloway flies to Rome for a three-day visit with Italian strongman Benito Mussolini.
BUSH CAUSES INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT AT NATO SUMMIT
President's wacky humor failed to charm Afghan President Harmid Karzai, who took offense when greeted with cry of "What up, Gandhi G?!"
Al-Qaida's No. 2 defends deadly attacks -- says he was depressed, abused as a child
CAIRO, Egypt - Al-Qaida's No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahri, defended himself against criticisms that his terror network has killed innocent people."What people don't understand is that I've been suffering from depression lately," he explained. "It stems from something I've never revealed because of my own shame --the fact that I was abused by my step-father as a child." Al-Zawahri said that he is writing a "tell all" book that will "place all the killing in its proper perspective, but I don't want to give too much away or no one will buy it." One teaser he shared: it was only last year that he finally got over his mother's death which occurred when he was twelve years old.
Al-Qaida has claimed responsibility for the Sept. 11 attacks that killed nearly 3,000 people in New York and Washington in 2001.
"I think if people knew the dark place I was in during that period of time in September 2001, they wouldn't be so quick to judge me," al-Zawahri explained. "Depression, it's the Persian Gulf's silent killer."
Local man opts for alternative to baptism: will self-unite with God in civil ceremony
PITTSBURGH: Local Jew Noah Swayne of Turtle Creek skipped the baptism his Christian fiance, Velveeta Lugosi, planned for him and said he's going to "self-unite" with God in a civil ceremony to be held at the Prothonotary's Office in the City-County Building."I think sometimes there's a tendency to bring God into religion just a little bit too much," he explained. "I'm trying to roll back the tide on this."
Swayne said there is no significant difference between a formal baptism and his civil self-uniting ceremony. "At the church, they ask if you renounce Satan. Down at the City-County Building, they ask if you renounce the Republican party," he said. "Pretty much the same thing."
GENERAL DISMISSED AFTER USING EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM FOR APRIL FOOL’S JOKE; FEDS CLAIM SIGNAL TURNED TO FREQUENCY ONLY DOGS COULD HEAR
WASHINGTON, D.C. - General William Truegood, longtime chairman of the Emergency Broadcast System, was dismissed by executive order yesterday after it was determined he had authorized the use of the Emergency Broadcast System for an April Fools joke. Federal authorities believe the General instructed a subordinate to adjust the frequency of the signal to a level only dogs could hear.
The prank was performed in an effort to place his own dog in an agitated state, thus disrupting a bridge game his wife was holding for the Emergency Broadcast System Women’s Auxiliary. When dogs throughout the area began howling, clawing at the door, and chasing their tails all at once, police suspected mischief. FBI agents arrested Trueheart in his downtown office, where he was observed participating in conspiratorial laughter with the subordinate responsible for carrying out his order.
As he was taken away in handcuffs, Trueheart pleaded for mercy. “This was a joke! It was only a joke! If there had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed where to tune in your area for news and official information!” FBI agent Tim Hulme, speaking to reporters as he led Trueheart away, said, “The General's arrest concludes this shameful abuse of the Emergency Broadcast System.”
Trueheart was flown to the Army stockade at Fort Leavenworth, where he will await court martial.
NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER, IN NOD TO DIVERSITY, RELEASES NAMES OF FIRST TWO ATLANTIC STORMS FOR 2008: HURRICANE DIDDY, HURRICANE BIGGIE
MIAMI - The director of the National Hurricane Center , citing pressure from Congress, civil rights activists, and educators, released the list of names assigned to Atlantic basin storms for the 2008 hurricane season. This is the earliest publication of names in the history of the Center, and it comes following a week-end conference between groups representing individuals with non-traditional names, the Secretary of Education, and NHC meteorologists.
“We hope the general public finds these names agreeable,” said Director Bill Read. Mr. Read said the name selection process was made with a particular emphasis on names that would appeal to our nation’s young people. “Studies show that American youth aren’t as interested in science as young people from other countries,” he said. “But maybe by giving names they recognize to the destructive power of a natural disaster, like a hurricane, it will make science “cool.”
Mr. Read pantomimed quotation marks when saying the word “cool.”
The complete list of inclusive, diversity sensitive names for the 2008 hurricane season, as approved by the U.S. Department of Justice Civil Rights Division and the National Hurricane Center: Diddy, Biggie, Tupac, Avril, Hannah Montana, J-Lo, LeBron, Zack, Cody, Jonas Brothers, Liberace, Ghost-Face Killa, Drake, Josh, Stewie, Tyra, Maury, Jay-Z, Kanye, and 50 Cent.
An apology to our readers
Dear readers: I am sorry to report that, without my knowledge, some misguided members of our staff decided to play an April Fools' Day joke on you by posting three actual wire service stories. I have just now discovered this atrocity and have ordered the posts removed.
This prank was extremely offensive, and the responsible parties have been terminated. I accept full responsibility for this inexcusable lapse in judgment.
I offer my special apologies to the fake news community for besmirching the reputation we have all worked so hard to achieve.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
RADIO STATION APOLOGIZES FOR MORNING SHOW MIX-UP; DEE-JAYS CLAIM THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE INTERVIEWING PAULY SHORE, NOT DANIEL SCHORR
PITTSBURGH - Buckhead and Bubba, hosts of the B94 Morning Show, apologized to their listeners for what they called an “absolutely terrible interview” with reporter, commentator and NPR senior news analyst Daniel Schorr on last Friday’s show. The man they thought they were speaking to, actor Pauly Shore , never made it on the air. Pauly Shore was scheduled for five minutes during the eight o’clock hour to discuss his newest film, “Encino Man II: Back to Encino.” Instead, the two disc jockeys spent their time peppering Daniel Schorr with questions he was unprepared to answer. A spokesman for Mr. Schorr said he was particularly incensed by the pair's repeated insistence that he “had some inside scoop on Brendan Fraser.” Brendan Fraser was Mr. Shore’s co-star in the film “Encino Man. ” Mr. Schorr finally lost his temper, began shouting obscenities, and hung up the phone.
“We thought we were speaking to Pauly Shore , not this other Schorr guy,” the pair wrote in a posting on their web site. “We accept responsibility for the lack of zaniness, craziness, and wackiness during the segment. We know how you have come to rely on us for your daily dose of nuttiness, and we let you down. It won’t happen again.”
Station manager Guy Rusizki said the mistake, while regrettable, was understandable. “Both Pauly and Daniel share the same agent,” he said. “We’ll be more careful next time.”
Bush honors Peace Corp hero Lydia Humenycky
Humenycky poses with tribal mask she collected in Togo. "I believe the mask represents Satan," she explained.
AL-SADR, MAHDI ARMY TAKE TO STREETS TO PROTEST WLTJ FORMAT CHANGE; RADICAL SHIITE CLERIC DEMANDS RETURN OF SOFT-ROCK FAVORITES, NO-REPEAT WORKDAYS
BAGHDAD - A format change at Pittsburgh radio station WLTJ has created a political crisis in this volatile city. Moktada al-Sadr, the radical Shiite cleric and recently converted fan of a genre of music known as “adult contemporary,” has instructed his followers to take to the streets until WLTJ abandons its new Q92 format.
“No soft-rock, no peace!” shouted al-Sadr, who appeared on a popular Iraqi morning show flanked by former WLTJ on-air talents Gary Love and Beth Bershok. A U.S. State Department official said al-Sadr discovered WLTJ’s Lite FM after entering an internet chat room devoted to the music of Air Supply. The official said it is believed the steady diet of inoffensive, soothing popular songs on the WLTJ Lite FM playlist contributed to a reduction in regional tensions. “There is no way al-Sadr would have called for a cease-fire before he discovered Dan Fogelberg and Gordon Lightfoot, and there’s no way he hears them without Lite FM.”
WLTJ program director Chuck Stevens said his station would not bow to pressure from “foreign extremists,” and urged all listeners, including Mr. al-Sadr and the Mahdi Army, to give it a try. “If we go back to Lite FM, then the terrorists win,” said Mr. Stevens.
SPACE SHUTTLE CREW MEMBERS STYMIED BY GREMLIN ON THE WING; ENDEAVOUR LANDING IN JEOPARDY
(Outer Space) - The landing of the space shuttle Endeavour remains indefinitely postponed pending the resolution of a “gremlin on the wing” problem. Crewman Bob Wilson reported the gremlin to his fellow Shuttle astronauts shortly after the mission began several weeks ago. His constant screaming was initially a source of great irritation to his colleagues. “He kept shouting ‘There’s something on the wing!’ over and over again,” said astronaut Patricia Shaughnessy. “We thought he was having a reaction to some bad Tang.”
Tang is, of course, the astronauts' drink.
After several days, the gremlin revealed himself to the entire crew, standing on the wing holding a sign telling them to "GO TO HELL." He hasn’t moved since.
Commander Dominic Gorie said liability issues surrounding the probable incineration of the gremlin upon Endeavour’s re-entry to Earth’s atmosphere have forced him to keep the shuttle aloft. “We just don’t have the kind of funding these days that a protracted wrongful death lawsuit with the gremlin's family would cost,” said Commander Gorie. “It’s more important for us to spend our limited resources in space instead of the courts.” Commander Gorie said he had no idea how the gremlin ended up on the shuttle wing. “We do a thorough sweep of the shuttle for stowaways, monsters, aliens and gremlins before lift-off. The only thing I can think of is somebody on the inspection crew did a half-ass job.”
Local man incensed: ‘Vernal equinox isn’t what it used to be’
PITTSBURGH - Popular bon vivant Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme displeasure” that the temperatures for the first days of spring feel more like winter.
“Somebody needs to take a stand on this,” Swayne explained.
“I tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days. It came roaring in like thunder, and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.’”
“Somebody needs to take a stand on this,” Swayne explained.
“I tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days. It came roaring in like thunder, and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.’”
Swayne said his next protest is Christmas, “because that’s not as good as it used to be, either.”
PITTSBURGH STEELERS TO REQUIRE DRAFTEES TO TAKE VOW OF CELIBACY
PITTSBURGH - Steelers chairman Dan Rooney announced yesterday that he has instituted a team celibacy requirement for all players effective immediately. “Starting today, this is strictly a ‘no broads’ outfit. I don’t need this aggravation. If it’s good enough for the Church, it’s good enough for the Steelers.” The new policy has been adopted in response to a rash of domestic violence incidents involving current and former Steelers players. It applies to all unmarried players on the roster, as well as all players selected in next month’s NFL draft. Additionally, all players will be asked to join the local chapter of The He-Man Woman Haters Club, an exclusively male outfit founded in 1937 by Mr. Alfalfa Schweitzer that believes “girls are the bunk.” Upon administration of the oath, all players will receive a badge acknowledging membership. “The badge should be worn at all times, especially in public,” said Mr. Rooney.
The Steelers' new program is believed to be the first mandatory celibacy action league-wide, but Mr. Rooney said it won’t be the last. “I imagine every other team is going to take a look at what we’re doing and follow suit.” A spokesman for NFL Players Association head Gene Upshaw said union officials had not seen a copy of the Steelers new anti-domestic violence initiative, but would be opposed to any restrictions placed upon players rights to have physical relations with members of the opposite sex.
LOCAL BLOGGER CLAIMS HE SPOTTED PITTGIRL IN FRICK PARK
"I was so shocked I fell off my Trek," Roger Patterson said, "but before I hit the ground, I snapped this picture with my iPhone." An obviously disappointed Patterson added, "She wasn't as hot as I thought she'd be."
Wecht jury deliberations: Jurors are reviewing Zapruder film over and over to decide Wecht's fate
Dr. Wecht: Film contains "all the answers"
MOTHER TERESA AGREES TO ONE HUNDRED AND THREE MILLION DOLLAR DEAL; NEW CONTRACT WILL MAKE HER HIGHEST PAID HUMANITARIAN IN WORLD
Calcutta - Mother Teresa agreed to a new contract today that will pay her a hundred and three million dollars over the next eight years. The announcement was made this morning at the Missionaries of Charity South Side offices. Mother Teresa was joined by Pope Benedict the XVI, and her agents. “This is about being a Member of the Missionaries of Charity for as long as I can be,” she said. “I didn’t want to go anywhere.”Pope Benedict XVI said, “She’s the face of the Missionaries of Charity franchise. She’s always going to be a member of the Missionaries of Charity.”
The contract, which includes a twenty-six million dollar signing bonus, makes her the highest paid humanitarian in the world. Dr. Albert Schweitzer, who has devoted his life to improving the health of impoverished Africans, signed a ten-year deal that pays him ninety-five million dollars last month.
“I’m not going to lie to you, it was important to my client to be known as the highest-paid humanitarian in the world, said Bruce Tollner, the agent for Mother Teresa. “Now that this is done, Mother can get back to doing what she does best: bringing Gods love to millions of downtrodden people dwelling in the bowels of this city.” Mother Teresa expressed her gratitude to the Pope, and to her agents. “I’m glad we were able to get this deal done. To be able to finish my career in the city where I started, working for these great, suffering multitudes, is really special.”
HOMEOWNER GETS VERDICT IN SUIT AGAINST PAINTER WHO USED TWO DIFFERENT SHADES OF WHITE ON WALLS
Difference in shades of white not discernible to average person -- but the case was assigned to Eskimo Judge Canku who can discern hundreds of shades of white
PITTSBURGH - Karl Swayne sued his house painter, Bradleys Roadhouse Paints because, according to the complaint, "the defendant contracted with plaintiff to paint the walls of plaintiff's luxury home all 'white,' but defendant proceeded to paint the walls utilizing different shades of white, contrary to both the parties' agreement and reasonable industry standards."
PITTSBURGH - Karl Swayne sued his house painter, Bradleys Roadhouse Paints because, according to the complaint, "the defendant contracted with plaintiff to paint the walls of plaintiff's luxury home all 'white,' but defendant proceeded to paint the walls utilizing different shades of white, contrary to both the parties' agreement and reasonable industry standards." The plaintiff seemed to suffer an insurmountable blow to his case when he admitted in his deposition that he could not tell the difference in the shades of paint utilized. "It all just looked 'white' to me," he testified. But fate smiled on the plaintiff, because when the case was called for trial, the jurist assigned was Judge Noah Canku, who claims to be "100% Eskimo, capable of discerning several hundred different shades of white."
After viewing the walls in a non-jury trial for less than three seconds, Judge Canku said he found the paint job "appalling -- it hurts my eyes to look at it," and awarded plaintiff $4,300, the cost to repaint the walls.
CROSBY DOESN'T DRESS FOR GAME, PENS BREATHE SIGH OF RELIEF
Teammates urge Sid to "take as much time off as you need -- somehow we'll get by without you."
OBAMA SAYS REMARK HE MADE DURING RADIO INTERVIEW CAN'T POSSIBLY BE CONSTRUED AS RACIST
"I have a lot of white friends," the Illinois Senator said.
LOCAL MAN TELLS F*CKING TWICE-A-YEAR CATHOLICS: NEVER AGAIN CLUTTER UP MY CHURCH ON EASTER
PITTSBURGH - Noah Swayne, 33, has a message for Catholics who only attend mass on Christmas and Easter: "Keep your f*cking, sorry asses out of my church from now on." Swayne was outraged on Easter Sunday when there were approximately four times the volume of regular worshippers at church.Swayne, a long-time parishioner at St. Elizabeth's in Pleasant Hills, says the "interlopers" are easy to spot. "They're usually better dressed than the regulars, because they obviously don't realize that Catholics don't bother to don the fancy garb of commerce like the Protestants and the Jews who are all out trying to impress one another." Moreover, according to Swayne, "they don't know the prayers" and just stand there "like f*cking zombies."
Swayne notes that none of this stops the "interlopers" from stealing his regular pew, eighth pew on the left at the 7:30 Mass, or from receiving Holy Communion. Swayne makes sure to tell them exactly how he feels during the sign of peace. "Yesterday, for example, I shook one interloper's hand and told her that I hate her with every fiber of my being."
Swayne says he' s only doing the Lord's work. "I'm just sort of God's back-up in case he doesn't realize he has hypocrites in his midst."
PAKISTAN PRESIDENT PERVEZ MUSHARRAF DENIES BIN LADEN HAS SAFE HARBOR IN PAKISTAN
“And to suggest he’s hiding in my country – or on the 3rd floor of my presidential palace in the suite facing East – is just ridiculous,” he said.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE INTRODUCES THE NEW EASTER BUNNY
HE'S 54-YEAR-OLD SANJAYA BARU, THE FIRST NON-CHRISTIAN TO SERVE IN THE POST
POPE SCRAPS ANNUAL URBI ET ORBI BLESSING TO THE WORLD IN FAVOR OF CADBURY CREME EGGS
PONTIFF STARTLES CROWD WHEN HE SAYS, "JERRY, BRING OUT THE CREME EGGS. I'M DONE HERE," THEN DISAPPEAREDVATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI scrapped the Pontiff's traditional Easter blessing to the world, the Urbi et Orbi address, and instead ordered Vatican personnel to pass out tens of thousands of Cadbury Creme Eggs to pilgrims at Saint Peters Square.
Popes typically use their Easter message as an occasion to admonish warring nations to bring an end to bloodshed. This year, the Pope appeared on the balcony at St. Peter's Basilica precisely on time but some witnesses said he bore a sad and defeated look. He stared at his prepared text in silence for several seconds, causing many in the overflow crowd to assume he was ill. Suddenly he looked up and stared straight ahead and muttered in a soft but clearly audible voice, "Hopeless, absolutely hopeless." The Pope turned to his right and spoke to someone out of view. "Jerry, bring out the [Cadbury] Creme Eggs. I'm done here." Then he brusquely waved to the crowd and disappeared. A short time later a caravan of trucks rolled into the Saint Peters Square and began distributing four-packs of the popular Cadbury chocolate to the estimated 80,000 pilgrims. The Pope has publicly touted Cadbury Creme Eggs, once even singling them out in a speech because of their "delicious, soft fondant center."
Later, while downing one of the creme eggs, American tourist Noah Swayne summed up the feelings of many in the crowd, "Sure, I wish he had spoken more. But this was actually better."
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