PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh broadcasting icon Myron Cope, retired since 2005 as the Steelers' color commentator, has volunteered to teach the Pittsburgh Penguins' newest star, Russian Evgeni Malkin, how to speak English. Cope has been intensively tutoring the 20-year old for the past two weeks. Cope said he took the assignment because of his enthusiasm for Malkin's abilities with a hockey stick. "Mmm-Hah!" he exclaimed, his eyes bulging, "this Russian kid, he's - he's - he's almost quadruple yoi!" Cope became so excited that his words melted into a stammering convoy of misplaced syllables, making him sound more like Porky Pig than one of the most astute sportswriters of the past 50 years. Eventually he veered back to discernible English. "I'm gonna teach the lad to, you know, speak the King's English and what have you. So everything's gonna be Okel Dokel. Mmm-Hah!"Mario Lemieux, in the process of selling the Penguins, said: "I can't think of anyone more qualified to teach Evgeni how to speak English than Myron, except perhaps Yankees great Yogi Berra." Contacted for this story, Malkin told a reporter: "Вы, г-н Справлять, для учить, что я поговорил английскую язык."
Clark’s performance was "an affront to the entire league, and all who dance in it." 
NEW YORK - Commissioner Roger Goodell fined Indianapolis Colts tight end Dallas Clark ten thousand dollars for a touchdown celebration dance he attempted to perform in last Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins. Goodell made the announcement this morning at his weekly press conference. He was joined at the podium by NFL Under Secretary for Showboating, Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. Goodell called Clark’s performance "an affront to the entire league, and all who dance in it."
Goodell said he had reviewed tape of Clark’s end zone dance numerous times, from multiple angles. Each time, he reached the same conclusion. "I can find absolutely no rhythm in his movements at all," said Goodell.
Goodell continued: "Our fans have come to expect that when a player scores, he is going to provide a celebratory dance of breathtaking skill and beauty. Dallas jerked to and fro like a headless chicken in its death throes. This kind of dance will not be tolerated."
In addition to fining Clark, Goodell introduced mandatory choreography lessons for all white NFL receivers and tight ends.
Teams of professional dancers will be visiting every NFL franchise this week to provide much-needed dance instruction to rhythmically-challenged players. "We need to send a message to our white players that if you’re going to score, you’re going to have to act in a way that draws attention to your unsportsmanlike actions with grace and style. There is no room for bad dancing in our league."
RAPPER SAYS, "I ALWAYS TRY TO HELP STRUGGLING MUSICIANS"
ST. LOUIS - When Detroit pitcher Kenny Rogers was caught in game two of the World Series with a smudge of indeterminate origin on his left hand, the home plate umpire, Hans Blix, did not accuse him of doctoring the ball and refused to look for evidence of a foreign substance. Blix merely asked Rogers to wipe the smudge from his hand, which Rogers did, and Rogers proceeded to pitch as if nothing had happened. Many fans are openly questioning why Blix failed to scrutinize the situation more closely.
This is not the first time Blix has found himself mired in controversy. Blix is the former chief UN arms inspector in Iraq who claimed he found no evidence that Saddam Hussein harbored weapons of mass destruction. Blix retired from service with the UN in 2003 and went to school to become a major league umpire. This is his first World Series.
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow bristled at Blix's handling of the smudge incident: "[Blix's] insistence on turning a blind eye toward [Kenny Rogers'] infraction is a rehash of his malfeasance in Iraq. His negligence back then threatened the security of the free world, and his negligence last Sunday threatens to do worse; namely, compromise the outcome of the World Series."
PITTSBURGH - The Rangos Omnimax Theater at the Carnegie Science Center has decided to stop showing Bill Cowher's weekly press conference on its massive, domed screen in the wake of numerous complaints that the image was overwhelming a disproportionate number of viewers, causing many to experience motion sickness and some even to pass out.
Richard Lee, director of the Theater, explained that Cowher's "chin and dismissive icy glares" are all wrapped around a 79 foot diameter aluminum dome, projected through the largest film frame in the motion picture industry using a 15,000 watt, short-arc Xenon lamp and an 1800 fisheye lens. The result is a vivid, many say unsettling, image. Cowher's voice and his "guttural grunts of disgust and evasion" are transmitted through 15,200 watts of sound via 44 speakers.
In the end, Lee and his colleagues decided the combination of Cowher and the Omnimax was simply too much for the viewers. "It got to the point where we had to have an ambulance waiting outside," said Lee. "We needed to end it before somebody really got hurt."
ATLANTA - Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Nate Washington was awarded a perfect score by the judges of the ABC television series "Dancing With the Stars" following the routine he performed in the end zone after catching a ten-yard touchdown pass from Ben Roethlisberger late in the second quarter of Sunday's 41-38 overtime loss to the Falcons. "You never want to lose a game," said Washington. "But hopefully we can use my perfect score as something to build on for next week." Washington said he spends a lot of time in practice each week working on his touchdown celebration dance, despite the fact that he is currently the number four receiver on the depth chart. "Hopefully, I showed the coaching staff and my teammates today that when I get the opportunity I can showboat with any receiver in this league." Coach Cowher revealed Washington's score during his post-game news conference. "I just finished a conference call with Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli," said Cowher. "The judges were unanimous in their appraisal of Nate's celebration booty-shake. I am pleased to report that Nate received a perfect score." When pressed for specifics, Cowher was reluctant to elaborate. "Carrie Ann said it was 'passionate,' Len described it as 'fantastic,' and Bruno called it 'a playful, sexy romp.'" Cowher also said that Tonioli felt Washington was "destined for induction into the Hall of Fame of Hips." Cowher said he was proud of Washington. "Nate left it all out there in the end zone today."
"[T]he city's equivalent of The Onion" (The New York Times) and "[o]ne of America's great Web sites" (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) on the highest rated radio show in Pittsburgh.Here are the stories covered on our most recent appearance on The Morning Show:*With his lead narrowing in the upcoming Senatorial election, Bob Casey checked himself into UPMC for a charisma augmentation procedure. Casey was admitted after complaining that he felt dull and ordinary.
*In the latest Senatorial debate, Rick Santorum tried to boost his low approval rating among gay voters by saying, quote, “Would it help if I admitted that at this very moment, I am picturing Bob Casey without a stitch of clothing, and I really like what I see?”
*President Bush said he will seek U.N. sanctions to stop North Korea from building an Atomic Fireball candy factory. The President vowed to prevent the proliferation of candies of mass destruction.
*People who need people – SHUT THE “F” UP – are the luckiest people in the world, sang Barbra Streisand at Madison Square Garden, in an outburst that elicited frenzied applause. Thereafter Streisand sprinkled the “F” word throughout every song, including “F-ing memories, like the corners of my mind.”
*The United Nations has adopted a resolution to stop the international sex slave trade. It’s first target: the Congressional page program.
*Ed Benedict, the chief animator behind the Flintstones, died at the age of 94. On the half-mile ride to the cemetery, the hearse passed the same crudely-drawn rock house and cactus 47 times.
*The Kansas City Chiefs credit the idea for last Sunday’s hair-pulling tackle of Troy Polamalu to the work of a special scout assigned to the women’s roller derby league. Next week the Chiefs are going to try bra snapping.
*Happy news: Entertainer Madonna has adopted Mayor Luke Ravenstahl.
*The Pirates shored up their starting rotation by signing the T-ball pitcher who intentionally threw at an autistic boy in response to his coach’s offer of $25. General Manager Dave Littlefield said this is exactly what the Bucs need, a pitcher with pinpoint control and a willingness to follow directions even if they are repugnant to all standards of decency.
*Coach Cowher credits obese, shirtless men in the crowd as critical to Sunday’s win over the Chiefs. The coach said, quote, “If those fat slobs can climb out of their recliners to root for us, we have an obligation to win for them.”
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's "Ravenstahl Response Line," a call center where city residents can register non-emergency questions and complaints with the city by dialing 311, has been outsourced to a help desk in India.
The Mayor announced that callers would receive the same efficient response they would receive if the Response Line were headquartered in Pittsburgh but conceded that "that there is a language barrier with the Indian operators, and that some of the operators don't have any idea what the caller is saying. But that would be true for Pittsburgh-based operators as well."
Some callers complained that regardless of their complaint, the operator's advice was always the same: "Turn off the machine, count to ten, then turn it back on."
Ravenstahl said that outsourcing the Response Line was part of an economy effort that will save the city millions of dollars. "If this works out," he noted, "we're going to outsource city council to New Delhi."
THE HOUSE WAS OWNED BY THE LATE AVIATOR RUTHERFORD PAGE, WHO DIED TRAGICALLY IN A PLANE CRASH. IT HAS LONG BEEN RUMORED THAT A GHOST INHABITS THE PAGE HOUSE, AND THAT FOLEY INHABITS THE HOUSE PAGES.
COINCIDENCE? NOW ANISTON IS REALLY WORRIED BECAUSE VAUGHN HAS BEEN CAST TO STAR IN PART 2 OF "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN"
EVACUATED HOMEOWNER: "I SAW FLAMES SHOOT UP FOUR INCHES INTO THE SKY. THE EXPLOSION FELT LIKE SOMEONE'S KNEE BUMPED THE PLATFORM. "
"I'M SORRY, I CAN'T EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T EARN A BIG SALARY. SEE, I JUST GOT A $40,470 RAISE WHEN I BECAME MAYOR, WHICH IS A LOT FOR A 15-YEAR OLD."
LAST MONTH'S STINGRAY ASSAULT ON "CROCODILE HUNTER" STEVE IRWIN TRIGGERS IMITATOR ATTACKS BY STINGRAYS SEEKING NOTORIETY, SAYS EXPERTLIGHTHOUSE POINT, Fla. - An 81-year-old boater was in critical condition Thursday after a stingray flopped onto his boat and stabbed him, leaving a foot-long barb in his chest, authorities said. The attack came just four weeks after the one that killed "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin.Dr. Velveeta Lugosi-Alou, who has tracked stingray attacks for three decades, said that whenever a high profile attack is given media coverage around the world, as Steve Irwin's attack was, it triggers other stingrays to seek similar notoriety, often using the same methods and leaving similar victims. "That's what happened here," she said. "I don't think we've seen the end of the cycle," Dr. Lugosi-Alou warned. "For the next several weeks, boaters and divers need to be very careful of imitation assaults."
HazMat team called in to handle clean-up . . . 
"JUST LOOK AT THE GREAT JOB CITY COUNCIL AND THE MAYOR HAVE DONE, RACKING UP $1 BILLION IN DEBT -- AND NO THANKS TO THE UNTOUCHABLES ON THAT OVERSIGHT BOARD!"
PYONGYANG - North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il revealed today that Rev. Anthony Mercienca, 69, the priest who molested ex-Congressman Mark Foley as a boy, also molested Kim when he was a teenager. In an interview unprecedented for its candor, Kim pointed to sexual abuse by Father Mercienca as the root cause of his despotic ways."When I act out by exhibiting cruelty or dishonesty or sexual excesses, or when I conduct illicit nuclear tests, that's the abused altar boy, not me," said Kim. "Although I attribute my inappropriate, despotic behavior to the trauma I sustained as a young adolescent, that does not excuse me of my actions."
Father Mercienca, retired and living on the Maltese island of Gozo, admitted to reporters having relations with Kim four decades ago and provided details of the encounters, including the time the two were naked in a sauna together, and the times Father Mercienca touched Kim, "once, maybe twice." "My one regret," said Father Mercienca, "is that I taught Kim a game that I called 'Let's show each other our nuclear missiles,' and I'm afraid that game had too much of an influence on him."
GROUPS TO COMPETE STAYING AWAKE THE LONGEST, CHANGING CHANNELS THE FASTEST, EATING SNACK FOODS WHILE WATCHING OTHER REALITY SHOWS
HOLLYWOOD - "The thing that's most real about reality television," producer Bradleys Roadhouse was saying over a cup of mocha chai latte, "is that real people are watching it."
And that's all Roadhouse needed for television's newest reality show, "Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero?" premiering this Friday on the Carbolic Smoke Ball (CSB) television network.
The premise is that groups of strangers compete against each other to see who can stay awake the longest, eat the most snack food and change the channel the fastest -- while watching other reality TV shows. "It will be scintillating television," said Roadhouse.
"We're going to come out smoking," said Roadhouse. "The first show, we've got two groups of college lesbians pitted against each other in a 'find the remote' competition. They'll wrestle and claw at each other, and hopefully even rip each other's clothes off, to get at that remote." Roadhouse smiles broadly. "Finally, quality TV in a reality show setting."
If all goes as planned, Roadhouse has a spin-off in the works that will show real people watching this show. He calls it, Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero Watching the Original Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero Show?
PITTSBURGH - Declaring "I have heard the voice of the people," Mayor Ravenstahl announced this morning that he is renaming Market Square "Wino Central." The name change is effective immediately. Ravenstahl made the announcement following a hearing held to solicit public input on the future of Market Square. The Mayor's remarks were met with the sound of someone clearing his throat, isolated outbursts of profanity, and scattered murmurs. Several winos inclined on Market Square benches briefly raised their heads before returning to sleep. The hearing, held in front of The Original Oyster House, was attended by Mayor Ravenstahl, City Planning Director Pat Ford, Jack Piatt, chairman of Millcraft Industries, the developer in charge of the project, and several hundred homeless people. "For as long as I can remember, this place has been home to some of the area's leading panhandlers. I can think of no better way to honor their lives, and their contributions to our region, than to change the name of this hallowed square," said Ravenstahl. "Panhandling is a high-growth industry. We need to let our young people know that if you're interested in panhandling as a career, there's a place right here for you to learn - and eventually practice - your trade." Ravenstahl said the new Wino Central would feature strategically placed brown bag dispensers on every corner, as well as state-of-the art sleeping boxes. The Mayor said plans are also in place for a new LCB superstore in the heart of the square, along with a statue of former KDKA newsman Bill Burns.
TORONTO - An Oakland Catholic High School student was detained at the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto after she was found clinging to the Stanley Cup, which is on display in the Hall. The fanatical 16-year old Penguins fan, whose name is being withheld in accordance with this Web site's policy not to print the names of persons accused of crimes at the Hockey Hall of Fame, was wearing a Penguins "Puck Hat," an autographed Marc Andre Fluery ("29") sweater and bracelets proclaiming her allegiance to the IPF, "Intense Pens' Fans." Hall of Fame security guards, assisted by three retired Toronto Maple Leafs who happened to be making an appearance at the Hall, including a slow moving Tie Domi, pulled the young woman away from the famous Cup after she refused to relinquish a death grip on it. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said that the young woman was found to be in possession of a primitive engraving tool that she admitted she intended to use to etch the name "Sidney Crosby" onto the Cup. As the young woman was being led out of the Hall of Fame, she repeatedly sobbed, "This was Sid's only chance to get his name on that Cup! This was Sid's only chance to get his name on that Cup! I came so close!"
A 1902 CITY ORDINANCE PROVIDES THAT STRUCTURES WITHIN PITTSBURGH MAY ONLY BE NAMED AFTER PERSONS WHO LEFT TOWN PRIOR TO THEIR DEATH
PITTSBURGH - Board members of the August Wilson Center for African American Culture are thrilled that the Center's namesake left Pittsburgh for greener pastures many years before his death so that the Center could be named after him. Ground was broken for the Center yesterday on Liberty Avenue between Smithfield Street and William Penn Place.A 1902 city ordinance allows structures within the city limits to bear a person's name only if such person had departed Pittsburgh to assume residency elsewhere prior to his or her death. It is permissible for such persons to be buried in Pittsburgh. The Center's President and CEO Neil A. Barclay opined that the law is a good one. "The way I look at it, if a person had the good sense to leave Pittsburgh, well, maybe they deserve to have a building named after them."
Barclay noted that numerous famous Pittsburghers are believed to have left town simply so they could have a structure named after them, including Andy Warhol, Rachel Carson, Jonas Salk, Andrew Carnegie and Henry Clay Frick. "August never admitted it to me," Barclay said, "but I think that's why he left, too."
NEW YORK - This week’s issue of the popular celebrity weekly US Magazine names North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il as the world’s "hottest sociopath." Jong-Il placed first in worldwide voting, garnering more votes than second place finisher Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and third place challenger Martin Sanders. Ahmadinejad is the President of Iran. Sanders is a thirty-nine year old Pittsburgh firefighter accused of exposing himself to a Heinz Field concession stand employee during last Sunday’s Steelers game against the Kansas City Chiefs. The magazine cited Jong-Ils "windswept hair, stylish eye-wear, and nuclear weapons" as the key ingredients that "make our hearts swoon, and tremble with fear at the same time." Hours after US Magazine bestowed the award on Jong-Il, veteran Entertainment Tonight anchorwoman Mary Hart announced that she would fly to Pyongyang for a face-to-face interview with the dangerous megalomaniac. "Our viewers expect all of the latest, hottest, behind the scenes news on matters of national security," said Hart. "My ET exclusive with the world’s hottest sociopath will deliver all of that, plus a few surprises!" Hart has been granted access to Jong-Il’s entourage, including his stylist, personal assistant, and security chief. "Keep it tuned right here to ET to find out the latest, breaking news on all things Jong-Il," said Hart. "Including how he feels about Brad and Angelina’s scuffle with the press, and just when he plans to incinerate America’s west coast!"
PITTSBURGH - Monday morning quarterback Bradleys Roadhouse suffered a recurrence of the torn rotator cuff that plagued him last year from overuse of the TV remote and has been placed on the injured reserve list. His wife said he will be replaced by his equally annoying brother, armchair general and know-it-all Noahs Roadhouse.
PITTSBURGH - Evgeni Malkin's former Russian Super League team, the Metallurg Magnitogorsk, has sued the Pittsburgh Penguins claiming that the Pens tortiously interfered with the Russian team's contract with Malkin by signing him to play in Pittsburgh.The complaint does not seek money damages but requests entry of an order directing the entire Penguins organization, including all players and front office personnel, to report to a former Soviet Gulag on the Solovetsky Islands in the White Sea for extended incarceration. "There," the complaint asserts, "the venal capitalists will be subjected to the malnutrition, extreme production quotas, appalling housing conditions and woefully inadequate hygiene attendant to the life befitting one interferes with another's contract."Penguins' team officials had no comment on the suit because the team has not been formally served with the complaint. An official of the Pittsburgh Zoo confirmed that attempted service was erroneously made on certain of the zoo's penguins late this afternoon, but the birds refused to accept service.
PHILADELPHIA - Dressed only in a sleeveless undershirt, with several gold chains draped around his neck, and yelling, "Hey Paisano" to everyone he saw, newly ethnic Senator Rick Santorum made a series of campaign appearances yesterday designed to highlight his Italian-American heritage. Joining Santorum was the famous Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, the celebrated Italian culinary giant credited with bringing spaghetti-o’s to American shores. Speaking to patrons at Bonelli’s Sub Shop and Salon on 9th Street in South Philadelphia, Santorum took a few bites from his sandwich before telling the crowd, "I’m just an Italian kid from a steel town." He then yelled, "Mama Mia! That’s a spicy meat-a ball!" Chef Boy-Ar-Dee smiled, and the crowd roared its approval. John Brabender, chief media strategist for the Santorum campaign, said the failure of the candidate to cut into challenger Bob Casey’s lead in the polls forced Santorum to play the race card. "Chef Boy-Ar-Dee brings us instant credibility with Pennsylvanians of Italian descent. He is as authentically Italian as Rick." Santorum will appear today at a Quaker service, and Brabender said that "the long-haired guy with the hat from the Quaker Oats label" will join Santorum. But Brabender quickly added: "Other than that, from now on, Rick is an Italian-American."Brabender said since Santorum made the decision to jettison his heretofore deracinated self, the Senator has spent at least several hours each day learning to speak with his hands. The Senator is also receiving private lessons in an attempt to master the game of bocci. "Once he learns to throw it instead of placing it on a tee and striking it with a club, he’s going to be fine," said Brabender.
PITTSBURGH - In a Market Square campaign rally downtown Pittsburgh before an enthusiastic crowd last night, Governor Ed Rendell pledged that he would "continue to be a prudent and responsible steward of your hard-earned tax money." Then he climbed a ladder with a basket filled with money and began tossing bills to the delighted, grasping hordes of onlookers. "Let's spread some of this hard-earned tax money around to the voters," he yelled. Police estimate that the Governor gave away in excess of $1 million dollars.
At one point a step on the ladder appeared to be bending beneath Rendell's considerable girth, but he simply moved up a step, which seemed more secure. As the bills gently floated down in the cool October night air, Rendell's spirits soared. "You've heard of trickle-down economics," Rendell roared to the crowd, "well, this is float-down economics."Some called Rendell's largesse a blatant attempt to buy votes in the election three weeks away. Rendell disagreed. "At no time did I suggest to this crowd that there is a quid pro quo to vote for me in exchange for this money," he said. "These good people can reach that conclusion on their own."
BEFORE THE GROUP TOOK THE STAGE, THEY SURPRISED THEIR FANS BY RACING AROUND THE TRACK: MICK JAGGER, WITH HIS TOOTHY GRIN AND FLOWING MANE, FINISHED FIRST; KEITH RICHARDS BROUGHT UP THE REAR 
ARRESTING OFFICER REFUSES TO PROVIDE DETAILS: "HE'S A FIREFIGHTER WITH AN EXTENSION HOSE -- USE YOUR IMAGINATION"
POLL HAS MARGIN OF ERROR OF 100%
BUCS' GM TOUTS PITCHER'S CONTROL AND WILLINGNESS TO TAKE DIRECTION "EVEN IF IT GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL FIBER OF HIS BEING"
PITTSBURGH - The first time Keith Reese Jr., now 9, was offered money to play baseball, it was $25 to hurl two balls at an autistic teammate. That was last season, and the man who made that offer, Reese's coach, Mark R. Downs Jr., 29, was sentenced last week to serve one to six years in jail for corruption of minors.
Now, the Pittsburgh Pirates have considerably upped the ante, offering young Reese the major league minimum of $327,000 to pitch for them next year.
Pirates GM Dave Littlefield said Reese exhibits "pin-point control and a willingness to take direction, even if it goes against every moral fiber of his being. That's the kind of player the Pittsburgh Pirates are looking for."
Manager Jim Tracy said that Reese will be the Pirates' enforcer. "When I need to hit a batter in the groin," Tracy said, "Keith is going to be my 'go-to' guy."
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl announced this morning at his weekly news conference that he has appointed former O’Connor administration Chief of Staff Dennis Regan as the twelfth Bishop of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Pittsburgh, succeeding Donald Wuerl, who was appointed Archbishop of Washington, D.C.Ravenstahl said area Catholics could no longer wait for the Vatican to name a successor to Bishop Donald Wuerl, who was installed as Archbishop of Washington D.C. in June. City council member Twanda Carlisle said she was "deeply disappointed" that a white male was elevated to Bishop because it shows "an insensitivity to diversity." She called on the Mayor to abide by the recommendation of her paid consultant, her mother's boyfriend, who recommended that Carlisle be named Bishop.Diocesan spokesman Father Ron Lengwin said the Mayor’s decision is not recognized by the Church. Father Lengwin also expressed concern about Regan’s qualifications. "In the first place," said Lengwin, "he’s not a priest. I don't know if he's Catholic, and that whole live-in girlfriend business is also a problem." When told of Lengwin’s reaction, the Mayor scoffed. "Do you think I worry about things like qualifications when I’m trying to find Dennis Regan a job?" Bishop Regan is scheduled to make a televised address on EWTN later today. The new Bishop is expected to announce the dismissal of Father Lengwin as diocesan spokesman. Diocesan officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, believe Regan will use the speech to name his live-in girlfriend, City of Pittsburgh senior secretary Margaret Cassidy, as Lengwin’s successor.
PITTSBURGH - Coach Bill Cowher cited the crowd in Sunday’s home game as a critical factor in the Steelers victory over the Chiefs. Cowher made his remarks during his weekly press conference. "Nothing inspires a professional athlete more than to look in the stands and see an overweight, shirtless man waving a piece of yellow cloth," said Cowher. "When you see a person like that, and you realize that coming to this game might have been the first time he got off the couch, or out of bed in the past week, you feel obligated to win. Not for yourself. But for people like him." Cowher also extended his gratitude to the anonymous fan seated in Section 516, Row Q. "During the past several home games, this fellow has been yelling at me to give the ball to Najah." Cowher was referring to Steelers running back Najah Davenport, who scored the Steelers final offensive touchdown in Sunday’s game. "I realize now I should have been listening to him all along. I only wish I knew his name so I could thank him personally." Cowher encouraged the man, as well as every other fan in attendance, to continue to shout suggestions at the top of their lungs, no matter how far they are from the playing surface at Heinz Field. "I know that Ben credits a fellow in Section 524, Row L, for helping him find wide receiver Nate Washington on what turned out to be a forty-seven yard touchdown pass," said Cowher. "We always appreciate the input of our fans."
HONOLULU - After completing a thorough inspection following Sunday’s strong earthquake, Governor Linda Lingle met with reporters this morning to pronounce Jack Lord State Park "open for business." The park, named after beloved cultural icon Jack Lord, features a one-hundred foot pompadour modeled after the one worn by Lord on the popular television series "Hawaii Five-O." The earthquake and its aftershocks disrupted power lines and did extensive damage to buildings near the epicenter. Offices at the Chin Ho Kelley Government Center, along with all public schools, remained closed today. In the aftermath of the earthquake, Lingle shared some good news. "I am pleased to report to all of you that the shifting of tectonic plates at the Earth’s core failed to move a single hair from Mr. Lord’s pompadour," said Lingle. "Truly, this hair was built to last." Lingle said she expected vacationers and residents alike to be enjoying visits to the park within a matter of days. "We just need final clearance from our engineers." Each year, thousands of people climb the pompadour, a feat known as "scaling McGarrett." The park, and the pompadour, generate millions of dollars for Hawaii’s economy. Lingle said she has received assurances from the Public Works Department that Lord’s hair could remain upright even in the face of a catastrophic natural disaster.
*NEXT TIME THEY FACE EACH OTHER, STEELERS VOW TO PULL CHIEFS' JOHNSON
*IN WAKE OF LARRY JOHNSON HAIR-PULLING INCIDENT, NFL SAYS CHIEFS WILL BE GOVERNED BY RULES APPLICABLE TO WOMEN'S ROLLER DERBY
NERVOUS TIGERS' SKIPPER LEYLAND RESORTED TO SMOKING HIS INDEX FINGER DURING GAME, TREATED FOR BURNS DETROIT - The Detroit Tigers became the unlikely winners of the American League pennant last night when they beat the Oakland A's 6-3 on Magglio Ordóñez's three-run homerun in the bottom of the ninth inning. Ousted Fox baseball broadcaster Steve Lyons saluted the native of Caracas, Venezuela: "He let his bat do all the habla-ing for him."Lyons was fired after racially insensitive remarks to his on-air partner Lou Piniella during Friday night's AL championship game. Lyons said Piniella was "hablaing Espanol" and he accused Piniella of stealing his wallet. This morning, Lyons defended his remarks by noting that he never knew "Lou Piniella" was a Hispanic name but thought it had an Italian derivation. "I thought he lifted it from a Chico Marx character in a Marx Brothers' movie, the same way he lifted my wallet."Tigers manager Jim Leyland was briefly treated in a Detroit hospital following the game for burns to his right hand. Leyland had become so nervous during the game that he started smoking his index finger.
PITTSBURGH - Here is the first startling picture of popular Pittsburgh Steeler safety Troy Polamalu after he shaved his famous head of hair, taken at the annual Little Sisters of the Poor charity dinner Saturday night. Polamalu said the shave was prompted by his hope that it will end the Steeler's slump. The team has lost its last three games. Polamalu's appearance was so altered that he was barely recognizable. Some attendees at the dinner commented that he now resembles well-known Pittsburgh attorney Bill Moorhead."I think I'm going to grow it back," Polamalu told a reporter. "I'll bet you the next time anybody sees me, my old hair will be back and nobody will even realize I'd had a hair cut."
I've been waiting for you, Obi Wan. We meet again, at last. [Puff, puff on cigarette] The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master. [Puff, puff]
ON THE HALF-MILE RIDE TO THE CEMETERY, THE HEARSE PASSED THE SAME CRUDELY DRAWN ROCK HOUSE AND CACTUS 47 TIMES
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh broadcasting icon Myron Cope, retired since 2005 as the Steelers' color commentator, has volunteered to teach the Pittsburgh Penguins' newest star, Russian Evgeni Malkin, how to speak English. Cope has been intensively tutoring the 20-year old for the past two weeks. 
