BANK OF NEW YORK BUYS TURNPIKE, PLANS TO MOVE IT TO NEW YORK
HARRISBURG - Governor Rendell announced today that he has reached a tentative agreement with Bank of New York to buy the entire 500-mile Pennsylvania Turnpike, including the Northeast Extension to Scranton, for $20 billion. Bank of New York said it plans to move the highway to New York. Governor Rendell told reporters that with the loss of the Turnpike, he will encourage motorists to use alternate routes, such as Routes 30, 22 and 80. Rendell explained that he fought to keep the Turnpike in Pennsylvania, but that "New York City is the transportation capital of the planet and it is difficult to argue with that." Even though the Turnpike will be moved, Rendell noted that Pennsylvania may actually gain as many as 2,000 jobs over the next three to five years as a result of the deal. He refused to explain how that could occur.
MELLON CEO ROBERT KELLY SUCCUMBED TO EYE POKE BY BANK OF NEW YORK ’S HASSELL
Mellon Financial CEO Bob Kelly (right) at the press conference on Monday, explains how “three stooges eye poke” maneuver eventually determined the battle over corporate headquarters. Gerald L. Hassell, President of The Bank of New York, looks on.
SOTHEBYS TO AUCTION ORIGINAL O'NEILL SCREENPLAY FOR BEATLES' FIRST FILM
SOLE COPY OF LONG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO A HARD DAY'S NIGHT EXPECTED TO FETCH MILLIONS
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COLLEGE FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TO BE DETERMINED BY MADDEN 2007
NEW YORK - To resolve a dispute as to which team should play for the NCAA National Championship, the head football coaches from programs around the country, including Michigan, Florida and Ohio State, agreed to a "winner-take-all" game of Madden 2007. Ohio State's coach Jim Tressel agreed with reservations: "I am fine with this so long as my players are not required to learn how to use this contraption as it would distract them from their more important football tasks -- make that, scholastic tasks -- here at OSU."
LITTLEFIELD OPTIMISTIC HEADING TO BASEBALL'S WINTER MEETINGS, PIRATES' GM HOPES TO COME HOME WITH TOWELS, TOILETRIES, COMPLIMENTARY NEWSPAPER
ORLANDO - Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield said he was "cautiously optimistic" that he was not going to leave the baseball winter meetings empty-handed this year. "Management has given me the green light to be more aggressive in my pursuit of hotel linens and personal grooming items," said Littlefield. "I plan to take full advantage of that authorization." The Baseball Winter Meetings are being held at Orlando's world-famous Dolphin Hotel, a renowned resort right in the heart of Disney property. Littlefield said he would spend every waking minute of his two-night package at the Dolphin working to obtain the kind of amenities the Pirate front office needs to compete with other organizations. "I'm hoping to leave with some pens, tablets, four pillows, several glasses, and towels. Lots and lots of towels," he said.
Asked if there was anything specific he was looking to obtain, the Bucco GM didn't hesitate. "What we really need is one of those little coffee pots that make two cups of coffee," he said, adding, "I should be able to get one of those."
Pirate owner Kevin McClatchy praised Littlefield for his ability to identify a need, and then go out and fill it. "Dave has said for months that our clubhouse needs an ice bucket," said McClatchy. "I am confident Dave is not going to come back to Pittsburgh without that ice bucket." Littlefield said the small-market size of the Pirates franchise doesn't give him the kind of financial flexibility that would allow him to book a room in the hotel for the duration of the meetings, so he would spend most of the time living out of his car. "The driver's seat reclines, so I can get a restful sleep," he said.
BETTY WHITE PHOTO FAUX PAS SHOCKS FANS, GOLDEN GIRL INSISTS THAT GOING WITHOUT UNDERWEAR IS A FASHION STATEMENT, NOT FIRST SIGN OF ALZHEIMERS
LOS ANGELES - Photos of Betty White taken by a celebrity photographer that reveal the longtime star of stage and screen prefers a night on the town sans undergarments have created a worldwide furor.The photographer, Edwin Merino, took several pictures of Ms. White getting in and out of a car with former Golden Girls co-star Bea Arthur. "Some women would try and hold their skirts down, or something," said Merino. "But Betty wasn't even trying to cover anything up."
Mr. Merino was only able to snap two pictures of Ms. White before his camera malfunctioned. "I accidentally aimed the lens at Ms. Arthur, and the damn thing shattered," he said. Still, the photos made the wire services and the internet minutes after they were taken. Many of Ms. White's fans expressed disappointment upon hearing the news . "This is no way for a grandmother to act, said Bill Leckey, a twenty-two year old Wall Street financier. "I knew something like this was going to happen the minute I heard Betty was running around with that Lindsey Lohan." Mr. Leckey said he believes it's time Ms. White's relatives commit her to an institution.
Other people believe the decision by Ms. White to go out in public without wearing underwear, knowing she would be photographed, was not an early symptom of dementia, but a calculated decision by an aging actress still looking to take risks in an effort to advance her career. "This kind of thing is not without precedent," said Dr. David Corbett, a professor of Television Studies at the University of Dayton . "Doesn't anybody remember the Ellen Corby-Will Geer sex tape scandal of twenty years ago?" A copy of the tape, in the Beta format, recently sold for ten thousand dollars on Ebay.
BUSH REALIZES THAT HE MEANT TO APPOINT MICHAEL BOLTON AS UN AMBASSADOR; ASKS FOR RESIGNATION OF JOHN BOLTON
WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush today asked U.S. ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton to step down, after coming to the realization that he was not the 1980s silky voiced crooner Michael Bolton Bush had intended to appoint to the post.
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino, speaking today on a conference call with reporters, said President Bush “asked [John] Bolton to sing a few bars of ‘When a Man Loves A Woman,’ and almost immediately realized that a serious error had been made."
"His style was different,'' Chinese Ambassador Wang Guangya said today of John Bolton, adding that “we had him out for karaoke last week, and we didn’t think that he seemed all that talented.”
Canadian ambassador Celine Dion applauded the move, and called for Congress to quickly move to confirm the Michael Bolton appointment in order to allow the U.S. and Canada to have more harmonious relationship.
JOEY PORTER TO BE NEW YELLOW WIGGLE
PITTSBURGH - The Carbolic Smoke Ball's sources in Australia report that Sam Moran, the announced replacement for the Yellow Wiggle, is only temporary. Moran was quickly selected so as not to disrupt the group's present tour. By January, in a move driven by diversity needs, Joey Porter will become the permanent new Yellow Wiggle. Porter's Wiggles' contract will allow him to dress in Steeler gold instead of yellow. Porter said he is working on simplifying his trash talk for children.
Among the songs Porter is expected to introduce to the world-wide show are "We will Rock You" and "Cotton Eye Joe."
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL NEWS
In furtherance of our responsibility as the trustee of simulated news in Pittsburgh, we provide this important bulletin. First, the world's greatest Christmas gift is now available. The Carbolic Smoke Ball shirt, with many of our landmark headlines on the back. If you are looking to give someone a taste of the real Pittsburgh, look no further. See the shirt and order securely via PayPal here.
Second, don't forget to submit your nominee for the Carbolic Smoke Ball Person of the Year. Please send your nominations to: thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com We've had a huge response, and the winner will be announced December 22.
Third, don't forget to listen to Carbolic Smoke Ball's weekly round-up every Friday on Pittsburgh's number one radio show, DVE's Morning Show with Jim and Randy.
80th BIRTHDAY WISHES FOR ONE OF THE WORLD'S LONGEST-REIGNING DESPOTS
One of the world's longest-reigning despots is being feted this month for turning 80. He is beloved by his subjects, and equally reviled by countless detractors -- many of whom reside little more than one-hundred miles away and eagerly await the day he is gone. He shocked the world when he temporarily relinquished power this year while he was hospitalized, yet he refuses to permanently step down. Despite it all, we wish you a happy 80th birthday, Penn State's Joe Paterno!
ROETHLISBERGER TO PLAY WITHOUT HELMET ON SUNDAY VS. TAMPA BAY
PITTSBURGH - Citing safety reasons, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will go helmet-less in this weekend’s showdown against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Roethlisberger, who wore a helmet in Sunday’s loss to the Ravens in which he was sacked nine times, “lost most of his teeth, fractured his left sinus cavity bone, suffered a nine-inch laceration to the back of his head and a broken jaw, and injured both of his knees,” according to Steelers team physician Dr. Jim Bradley. “We think that Ben’s head will glance off of defenders’ tackles rather than taking the direct blows which will result from continued use of the helmet,” reported Steelers equipment manager Rich Baker.
KILLER WHALE SAYS MISCONDUCT FUELED BY RAGE AT HECKLER, ABUSE BY CLERGY AS A CALF; ORCA CHECKS SELF INTO REHAB
SAN DIEGO - Kasatka, the 5,000-pound-plus female SeaWorld killer whale that twice grabbed trainer Ken Peters by the foot and tugged him underwater for extended periods of time Wednesday has entered rehab for treatment of an undisclosed ailment, her agent Bradleys Roadhouse confirmed. Roadhouse said that Kasatka's misconduct was fueled by a rage directed at hecklers in the audience during a matinee performance. "She just flipped out," said Roadhouse.Roadhouse also said that Kasatka had been abused as a calf, ironically by the same clergyman who abused former congressman Mark Foley. "This does not excuse her misconduct, but I thought we should mention it because it may lead people to think she should be excused," said Roadhouse. He added that if it turns out Kasatka was not abused by the priest, "then maybe she was drunk at the time she acted out."
Comedian Jerry Seinfeld arranged for the orca to appear via satellite on David Letterman's show to apologize to the nation. Roadhouse said she is also scheduled to meet with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to apologize to them directly.
Audience members who witnessed the incident have threatened to sue and are requesting that the orca meet with them so they can express their pain to her directly and, hopefully, squeeze some money out of her.
Actor Mel Gibson has sent Kasatka a note saying that he "feels her pain."
RAVENSTAHL FINDS NO EVIDENCE OF MISCONDUCT BY REGAN, HITLER
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said today that city Operations Director Dennis Regan did nothing wrong in relation to a police discipline case involving a detective who is his housemate's brother. "There was no conclusive evidence that he [Mr. Regan] committed any wrongdoing," Mr. Ravenstahl said during a press conference this afternoon. He declined to say anything specific about the investigation or release a written report, citing privacy concerns. Ravenstahl added that his investigation also failed to uncover "conclusive evidence of wrongdoing by" former German Chancellor Adolf Hitler. The mayor again refused to say anything specific about the investigation or release a written report, citing privacy concerns.
DON'T FORGET TO SUBMIT YOUR NOMINATION FOR THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL "PERSON OF THE YEAR" AWARD SEND YOUR NOMINATIONS TO thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com
SHARP INCREASE IN DEATH BY POISONING HAS RUSSIANS ON EDGE
PUTIN ISSUES EXECUTIVE ORDER PLACING COMRADE YUK STICKERS ON ALL CONTAINERS OF RADIOACTIVE ISOTOPE POLONIUM 210
SYMPHONY SETS EIGHTY MILLION DOLLAR FUND DRIVE GOAL, WILL BEGIN TAKING PLEDGE BREAKS DURING PERFORMANCES
PITTSBURGH - As part of an eighty million dollar fund drive campaign, the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra will begin taking extended breaks during performances to ask patrons to pledge their financial support. The pledge breaks will be hosted from the Heinz Hall stage by WQED's Nancy Polinsky and Chris Fennimore. They will last anywhere from ten to twenty minutes in length, and will occur at various times throughout the concert. A phone bank will be set up behind the orchestra to handle calls from the audience during the duration of the break. They will continue to accept calls even after the orchestra resumes playing. "Now, at least, when people hear phones ringing during a concert, they'll know that someone in the audience is doing their part to ensure that this kind of music remains available," said Ms. Polinsky. "Won't you consider joining them?" asked Mr. Fennimore. "Call now. Volunteers are standing by." PSO Board Chairman Richard Simmons said the pledge drive was an absolute necessity. "Right now, we play in one of the oldest venues around." Simmons said the money raised would be used for capital improvements to Heinz Hall, including the installation of luxury boxes and a Jumbotron. "I spoke with WQED President George Miles, and he convinced me that this was the way to go," said Simmons. "George assured me he's never heard a single complaint about pledge drives."
PLASTIC CITIZENS OF MINIATURE RAILROAD AND VILLAGE THREATEN TO LEAVE TOWN UNLESS CITY BUILDS IT A NEW MINIATURE SPORTS FACILITY
PITTSBURGH - The Miniature Railroad and Village, the 83 by 30 foot model of late 19th/early 20th century Western Pennsylvania that has been a Pittsburgh landmark for more than 50 years, first at the Buhl Planetarium and later the Carnegie Science Center, reopened last Friday to large crowds, but perhaps not for long. The miniature plastic citizens of the Miniature Village are threatening to leave town unless the City agrees to fund a new miniature sports facility to replace the fourteen-inch long, circa-1900 baseball field that has graced the Miniature Village since it opened in 1954. The estimated cost of a new sports facility is $300.
Blacksmith Julius Little, the half-inch tall spokesman for a consortium of small businesspersons in the Miniature Village, explained that the old ballpark has no luxury boxes. "Heck," said Little, "it doesn't even have chairs with backs on them."
Little said that his group had hoped to obtain a gaming license to operate a miniature casino, the revenue from which would fund a new sports facility. By law, the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board will award one miniature gaming license, but it has rejected the Little group's proposal. "The fix is in," said Little. "Mark my words -- they're going to build the miniature casino inside a train set that belongs to one of the kids of a Forest City investor," said Little. (Forest City is teaming with Harrah's in a proposal that would put a casino in Station Square.)
Resorting to "Plan B," the small business people in the Miniature Village are "ready to walk" if the City refuses to fund a new sports facility, Little explained. "We think," said Little, "it's really a small thing to ask."
SEASON GREETINGS FROM THE PINEAPPLE STATE
Nouri al-Maliki is Hawaii's way to say Merry Christmas to you!
FOUND IN CITY PAPER PERSONAL ADS:
Hello Dudes. I am a 48 year old married male newly relocated back to town in the Penn Hills area. Have lived in DC for 16 years, and I need someone to show me how the town has changed since I last lived here. I am 6'1, 200 lbs and in shape. I am a fun guy who needs to stay in the closet, but if you rub my back, I’ll rub yours, and probably more. I like politics, intelligent design, and WWF wrestling. Discreet inquiries only. Ask for Rick. 412-555-2232.
Join us Fridays on DVE's Morning Show with Jim and Randy, Pittsburgh's top-rated radio show
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P.S. We are receiving an overwhelming response for our Person of the Year Contest. Don't forget to send your nomination to thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com
Co-founder of Häagen-Dazs dies
HACKENSACK, N.J. - Rose Mattus, 90, co-founder with her late husband Reuben of super-rich Häagen-Dazs ice cream, has died. "Rose and Reuben were legends in the ice cream field," said Jerry Greenfield, who co-founded Ben & Jerry's. Häagen-Dazs is a nonsensical name, meaning nothing in any language.
Ms. Mattus died of Bäanifa-Jol, a made-up disease that means nothing in any language, according to her physician Dr. Jingo Bang, an imaginary doctor.
The nominations are streaming in . . .
The nominations for our Person of the Year award are streaming in, and they are all worthy contenders. We've received nominations for Mayor Ravenstahl, Ben Roethlisberger, Joey Porter, Dick Skrinjar, Dick Cheney, John Mark Karr, Martha Fleishman, President Bush, Bill Cowher, the Nutting family, and two very persuasive nominations for Duce Staley and Dennis Regan. That is a stellar class.Be sure to add your two cents at thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com
IT'S TIME TO SUBMIT YOUR NOMINATIONS FOR OUR PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD
We need to hear from you. Submit your nomination for Carbolic Smoke Ball Person of the Year to: thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com Your email address will not be posted, but the most "creative" nomination, as determined by Judge Peckham and our Board of Trustees, will be awarded an authentic Carbolic Smoke Ball shirt -- first batch is now in production (on sale next week).The Carbolic Smoke Ball Person of the Year is the most prestigious award in cyberspace, chosen annually by this publication since 1933. This year's selection will be announced December 22 at a gala awards ceremony in the ballroom of the Waldorf-Astoria in New York City. The winner's name will be inscribed on the Carbolic Cup with all the others.
The Person of the Year is the person or animal who has made the greatest contribution to simulated news in the past year. Nominees for Person of the Year are submitted by the readers of this Web site, and the final selection is made by Judge Peckham, in consultation with our Board of Trustees. The winner will be accorded the title of Person of the Year for a full three hundred and sixty-five calendar days, unless stripped of the title by the Judge or the Board of Trustees for reasons in their sole and arbitrary discretion. In the event the Person of the Year is, for any reason, unable to perform the Person of the Year duties, including but not limited to personal appearances, USO tours, organ donations, game-show guest spots, radio interviews, autograph signings, and photo shoots, the title will revert to the previous winner, or to some other person that Judge Peckham feels like giving it to. Don't delay! Email your nominee today.
PAST CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PERSONS OF THE YEAR
1933 (Tie) Baron Von Hindenburg, Zeppo Marx
1934 Tom Joad
1935 (Tie) Una O'Connor, Julius Marx
1936 General Francisco Franco
1937 (Tie) Charlie McCarthy, Thomas Jefferson (posthumous)
1938 Mortimer Snerd
1939 Joachim Von Ribbentrop
1940 Leon Trotsky
1941 (Tie) Joe Dimaggio, Hideki Tojo
1942 Sydney Greenstreet
1943 General George S. Patton
1944 Leo Gorcey
1945 Eva Braun
1946 Enos "Country" Slaughter
1947 Frank Sinatra
1948 J. Robert Oppenheimer
1949 (Tie) Alger Hiss, Bill Veeck
1950 Whittaker Chambers
1951 Bobby Thompson
1952 Senator Joseph McCarthy
1953 Terry Malloy
1954 (Tie) Johnny Friendly, Joseph Welch
1955 Senator Estes Kevaufer
1956 The American Housewife
1957 Governor Orvil Faubus
1958 (Tie) Vice-President Richard Nixon, The Nairobi Trio
1959 Robert Stack
1960 (Tie) Joseph Kennedy, Sr., Bill Mazeroski
1961 (Tie) Debbie Reynolds, Eddie Fisher
1962 Fidel Castro
1963 (Tie) Jack Ruby, The June Taylor Dancers
1964 Sonny Liston
1965 George Lazenby
1966 Adam West
1967 (Tie) Timothy Leary, Quinn Martin
1968 (Tie) Jack Webb, The Silent Majority
1969 (Tie) The American Hippie, Jack Webb
1970 President Richard Nixon
1971 Roberto Clemente
1972 Vice-President Spiro Agnew
1973 Mary Richards
1974 (Tie) Governor Milton Shapp, Meadowlark Lemon
1975 (Tie) Bob Prince and Bernie Carbo
1976 (Tie) John-Boy Walton, Ron Stackhouse
1977 Bella Abzug
1978 Billy Carter
1979 Lynda Carter
1980 (Tie) John Anderson, Eugene "Jeep" DePasquale, Michelle Madoff
1981 Larry Hagman
1982 Pac-Man
1983 (Tie) Ayatollah Khomeini, Clara Peller
1984 George Orwell
1985 Reverend D. Douglas Roth
1986 (Tie) Scott Baio, Cyril Wecht
1987 Mikhail Gorbachev
1988 Dan Quayle
1989 Earl Anthony
1990 Chuck Noll
1991 Paul Reuben
1992 Francisco Cabrera
1993 Newt Gingrich
1994 O.J. Simpson
1995 Neil O'Donnell
1996 Roseanne Barr
1997 Chuckles, the fresh water dolphin
1998 Mayor Tom Murphy
1999 Mulu Birru
2000 Kordell Stewart
2001 A Space Odyssey
2002 Derek Bell (the baseball player)
2003 (Tie) Vice-President Dick Cheney, T.C. Congdon (vendor)
2004 (Tie) Uday and Qusay Hussein
2005 Jim Ecker
WIKIPEDIA "VOLUNTEER EDITORS" CONFINED TO BELLEVUE MENTAL HOSPITAL ANGRY THAT ENCYCLOPEDIA MONITORS THEIR ENTRIES
PATIENTS' THERAPY WILL SUFFER SIGNIFICANT SET-BACK IF ENCYCLOPEDIA ADOPTS SANITY REQUIREMENT FOR CONTRIBUTORS, SAYS DOCTOR NEW YORK - For the past year, a group of patients confined to Bellevue Hospital's psychiatric ward, many in strait-jackets, have acted as "contributing editors" to Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopedia written by anyone with access to a computer, as part of their long-term therapy. Dr. Miles Sinclair says that the patients are "disappointed" that in the wake of pranksters making phony entries to the encyclopedia, Wikipedia requires contributors to register, and they are hoping this does not lead to the encyclopedia limiting who can be a contributor. They are especially concerned that a sanity requirement might be imposed.
Jimmy "Jingo" Bang, a resident of Bellevue for twenty years, doesn't want anyone to interfere with his work for Wikipedia. Bang's specialty is Napoleon Bonaparte, and Dr. Sinclair explained that Bang is able to crank out article after article about Bonaparte because he believes he is Bonaparte. Bang says simply that his work "is all for the glory of France."
Dr. Sinclair said that the patients' long-term therapy would suffer a significant setback if Wikipedia imposed a sanity requirement. Such a decision, Sinclair said, would be "crazy."
RACHEL RAY CUTS SHORT LOCAL FILM SESSION
PITTSBURGH - Food Network celebrity Rachel Ray, host of the popular show “$40 A Day," today abruptly cut short a locally scheduled filming for her popular series. It is unclear whether the show will be completed. Ray began the film session with a stop at Heinz Field to try out its famed concession stand offerings. A box of popcorn and a Diet Pepsi later, Ray had blown her entire $40 and actually needed to borrow money from her film crew in order to settle up with the vendors. Before boarding her flight back to New York, Ray said: “At those prices, they should change their name to the Stealers."
CASTRO A NO-SHOW AT BIRTHDAY BASH, FEARED GRAVELY ILL; DICK SKRINJAR HEADS TO CUBA TO ORCHESTRATE DAMAGE CONTROL
HAVANA - Fidel Casto failed to make an appearance at his delayed 80th birthday party celebration, prompting analysts to speculate that he is gravely ill. Cuba's acting President, Raul Castro, brother of Fidel, announced this afternoon that Pittsburgh's mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar is en route to Havana to serve as Presidential spokesman in order to "allay fears about the health of our President, Fidel Castro." Skrinjar said in a phone interview that Fidel Castro "is fine, never better, in fact I just spoke with him. He just finished playing tennis. He's giving orders and can't wait to get back to work. He just had a little stomach problem, that's all, but he's resting comfortably and is on the road to recovery. He'll be back in the President's Palace in a very short time."
From the Carbolic Smoke Ball Archives: November 19, 1863
PRESIDENT LINCOLN STILL NOT PREPARED TO CALL THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR A CIVIL WAR
GETTYSBURG - President Lincoln met with reporters here today immediately following a dedication ceremony for the Soldiers National Cemetery in an effort to assure the country that we are not in the midst of a civil war.
Lincoln, who delivered an address critics are calling "of little note, lackluster, and devoid of a single memorable phrase," was in a combative mood at his press conference. When UPI White House correspondent Helen Thomas asked Lincoln whether or not the escalating violence across the nation meant we were drifting into a civil war, Lincoln evaded the question. "I'm not ready to call it that," he said. When Thomas asked how he would define the conflict, Lincoln said he saw it as a war between "evildoers and gooddoers." Lincoln added that he believed this is how future historians would identify the clash between the Union and the Confederacy for the duration of time.
The President fielded several other questions, ranging from the innocuous "Boxers or briefs?" to the substantive. One man asked Lincoln how he feels about calls for the dismissal of embattled Secretary of War Edwin Stanton. "Eddie's doin' a heckuva job," he said. Inevitably, the questions returned to the war, and what it should be called. Increasingly, the President grew irritable. "Look, to me a civil war is a lot like pornography," he said. "I can't tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it."
POPE DEFUSES TENSIONS IN TURKEY WITH SOFT SHOE ROUTINE, PONTIFF'S "HAPPY FEET" PUTS MUSLIMS AT EASE
UPON ARRIVAL AT ANKARA AIRPORT, POPE SHOUTS "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
ANKARA - Pope Benedict put his Turkish hosts at ease on his first day in Ankara by launching into an impromptu soft shoe act at an airport reception, pausing at just the right moments to toss off one-liners. "It's so hot in Ankara," the Pope riffed, "that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog. Rimshot!" The delighted Muslims called for two encores and threw Turkish coins at the Pontiff.
Benedict's vaudeville routine went a long way toward making up for a speech in Germany last September when he quoted a Byzantine emperor who said Islam was violent and irrational. The speech prompted some Muslims to behave violently and irrationally.
The only tense moment during the reception occurred when a motorcycle on an adjoining street backfired. The Pope dove to the ground and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Christians, get down! Mercy, they're going to kill us all!" It quickly became apparent that the Pope was in no danger, and an embarrassed Benedict defused the tension by again launching into a soft shoe.
ANKARA - Pope Benedict put his Turkish hosts at ease on his first day in Ankara by launching into an impromptu soft shoe act at an airport reception, pausing at just the right moments to toss off one-liners. "It's so hot in Ankara," the Pope riffed, "that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog. Rimshot!" The delighted Muslims called for two encores and threw Turkish coins at the Pontiff.Benedict's vaudeville routine went a long way toward making up for a speech in Germany last September when he quoted a Byzantine emperor who said Islam was violent and irrational. The speech prompted some Muslims to behave violently and irrationally.
The only tense moment during the reception occurred when a motorcycle on an adjoining street backfired. The Pope dove to the ground and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Christians, get down! Mercy, they're going to kill us all!" It quickly became apparent that the Pope was in no danger, and an embarrassed Benedict defused the tension by again launching into a soft shoe.
DISCRIMINATION WATCHDOG GROUP NAMES INSTITUTIONS THAT SET RACE RELATIONS BACK THE MOST IN 2006
SIGMA CHI FRATERNITY TOPS LIST FOR ITS "HALLOWEEN IN THE HOOD" PARTY; NEXT ON THE LIST: THE SEINFELD SHOW
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