NFL PUNISHES PORTER FOR USE OF HOMOPHOBIC SLUR

FEARSOME STEELERS LINEBACKER REQUIRED TO SIT THROUGH MULTIPLE VIEWINGS OF ROCK HUDSON, DORIS DAY DVD COLLECTION

NEW YORK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell met with Steelers linebacker Joey Porter at his Park Avenue office today to discuss Porter’s utterance of a profane term used to describe homosexuals following last Thursday night's Steelers game. Porter directed the term at Cleveland Browns tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. in remarks made to a reporter.

Goodell and Porter met with representatives from ACT-UP, the North American Man-Boy Love Association, and the entire cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy for nearly an hour before meeting with the press. Harvey Fierstein, speaking for the ad hoc committee of homosexual rights groups, pronounced himself satisfied with Porter’s explanation and subsequent apology. “Joey was just being Joey,” said Fierstein.

Commissioner Goodell, however, was far less forgiving. “Mr. Porter’s comments were a poor reflection on his team and our league,” said Goodell. “I want everybody to know that we do not condone insulting remarks directed at fruitcakes,” he said, before quickly adding, “And I’m not just saying that because it’s Christmas.” As part of his punishment, Porter will have to sit through repeated screenings of the film “Pillow Talk,” as well as multiple listenings of the newly remastered “Judy at Carnegie Hall” compact disc. Porter said he was prepared to do whatever was necessary to put this thing behind him. “If I have to wear a pink ribbon on my uniform for the last three games to show I’m serious about giving love to the gay community, that’s what I’ll do.”

TROY SMITH'S HEISMAN TROPHY BANNED FROM PLANE

THE HEISMAN IS EXPRESSLY LISTED ON THE FAA'S LIST OF FORBIDDEN ITEMS, ALONG WITH KNIVES AND SHAMPOO

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Marion Blakey, Administrator of the Federal Aviation Administration defended the decision to ban Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith's Heisman Trophy from a plane Tuesday. The trophy was shipped to Smith's home after airport security refused to allow it on board with Smith.

The Heisman Trophy is expressly included on the FAA's list of forbidden items, along with knives, ice picks and shampoo. Blakey explained the prohibition in a press conference. "I think you will all recall that Mohamed Atta al-Sayed, one of the 9-11 terrorists, was the 1997 winner of the Heisman Trophy for Penn State." Reporters exchanged confused glances, and one whispered to another, "That's not right." Blakey continued: "It is well-known that al-Sayed wielded the bronze trophy as an instrument of terror to bludgeon passengers on Flight 11 before he crashed it into the north tower of the World Trade Center. Moreover, we all know that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi won the Heisman for Alabama in 1993 and used the trophy to perform unspeakable acts of cruelty. The list goes on and on."

Blakey went to great lengths to note that the FAA has no reason to suspect Smith of being a terrorist "but," she looked around the room furtively, "you never know."

NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE RESIDENTS KEEPING FINGERS CROSSED OVER SLOTS LICENSE PROPOSAL

NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE - Despite intense competition from groups such as the Isle of Capri, Majestic Star and Forest City/Harrahs, King Friday the XIII said he was still confident his neighborhood would be awarded the only stand-alone slots parlor license in the Pittsburgh area. “My subjects and I believe this is going to be even bigger than the arrival of Purple Panda,” said the King, referring to the giant purple bear that came from outer space to take up residence in the neighborhood sometime in the mid-1970s.

“I can’t think of a more appropriate place to generate revenue for all of that make-believe property tax relief the Governor keeps talking about,” he added. In preparation for what he described as “the inevitable,” King Friday issued an executive order to Handyman Negri, an itinerant jazz musician and employee of the Neighborhood Public Works Department, directing him to chop down the Neighborhood’s sole surviving tree. The tree now stands on the eventual site of the slots parlor. Residents of the tree, Ms. Henrietta Pussycat and Mr. X the Owl, expressed shock when informed of King Friday’s order. “Meow meow can’t be happening,” cried Ms. Pussycat. A glum Handyman Negri apologized to both of them before cutting loose with his chain saw. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m only following orders.” The Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board is scheduled to announce the winners of the slots licenses on December 20th.

ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN SUSPECT IN RASH OF EAST-END BREAK-INS, POLICE ASKING RESIDENTS TO BE ON LOOK-OUT FOR LARGE, WHITE, FURRY, TOOTHLESS CREATURE

EXCERPT FROM IRAQ STUDY GROUP REPORT -- PAGE 15: CRITICS SAY REPORT SHOWS SIGNS OF DESPERATION

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FORMER MAYOR MURPHY CHARGED WITH REVITALIZING MINIATURE RAILROAD AND VILLAGE

DEPARTMENT STORES ADDED TO EVERY BLOCK; UNNECESSARY MINIATURE SPORTS FACILITIES AND FIREHOUSES CROP UP EVERYWHERE

CONDOLEEZZA RICE CONSTIPATION REVEALED; SURGERY MAY BE NEEDED

President Bush discusses with reporters the extent
of Secretary of State Rice’s colon blockage, while Rice looks on.

JUDGE PECKHAM TO ACCEPT PROPOSALS TO PURCHASE HIS DRIVEWAY

PITTSBURGH - Less than one week after Governor Rendell's announcement that he is accepting proposals from prospective purchasers of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, the founder of this Web site, the Honorable Rufus Peckham, announced that he will accept proposals for the purchase of his 200-foot long driveway in Pleasant Hills.

"Only the driveway's for sale," the Judge explained, "not the house." Any sale of the driveway would not effect Judge Peckham's rights of ingress and egress to his home since a perpetual easement over the driveway would be granted to the owner of the house.

The impetus for the idea, according to Judge Peckham, was cash: "For quite some time, I have been enduring a funding crisis with no feasible, comprehensive solution," the Judge explained. "But I figured that if I got, say, $10 billion for the driveway, that money would be put into interest-bearing investments. At an 8 percent rate, it would generate $800 million a year for my transportation and other household needs."

According to the Judge, the purchaser would be free to erect toll booths and sell advertising and franchising rights along the 200-foot stretch. "Of course," the Judge quickly noted, "I would be immune from any tolls."

PINOCHET'S CORPSE BITES MOURNER'S HAND

CADAVER'S CLENCH NOW IN FIFTH HOUR, AMPUTATION MAY BE NECESSARY

PRINCE TO PLAY AT SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW

UPON HIS RETURN TO CALIFORNIA FROM MILL RUN, PA., BRAD PITT CONFIDES IN A FRIEND

"SHE DRAGGED ME OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE TO LOOK AT REAL ESTATE. AND DUDE, NO WAY WOULD I EVER BUY THIS HOUSE SHE SHOWED ME -- IT'S GOT THE WORST WATER PROBLEM I'VE EVER SEEN."

POLAR EXPRESS JUMPS TRACK EN ROUTE TO NORTH POLE, PLUMMETS INTO RAVINE, AUTHORITIES SUSPECT CONDUCTOR WAS DRUNK

RED WIGGLE ROBS BANK, REMAINS AT LARGE, POLICE COMPLAIN EXPLODING RED DYE PACK MADE ESCAPE "A CINCH"

SYDNEY, Australia - Murray Cook, the Red member of the Wiggles, is wanted in a series of bank robberies across Australia. Police say the exploding red dye pack that banks insert in stolen money is ineffective to stop him. "When the [dye] pack explodes," said Sydney Police Chief Michael Jeffery, "it's supposed to stain the robber and make him easy to spot. Obviously that doesn't work with the Red Wiggle."

After one recent robbery in a Sydney suburb, the dye pack exploded seconds after Cook stepped outside the bank, spewing red dye on him. "But because Cook is the Red Wiggle," Chief Jeffery explained, "no one noticed." Cook continued to walk the streets and even signed autographs. Chief Jeffery said that the case has the police "seeing red."

NEW PENS OWNER JIM BALSILLIE IMPRESSED WITH FELLOW CANADIAN ROBERT KELLY'S LOYALTY TO PITTSBURGH, HIRES HIM AS SPECIAL CONSULTANT

WATERLOO, Ontario - Jim Balsillie, Chairman and co-CEO of Research in Motion of Waterloo, Ontario, whose company is close to completing its purchase of the Pittsburgh Penguins from the Mario Lemieux-led group of owners, has hired Mellon Financial Corporation's President, Chairman and CEO Robert P Kelly as his Special Arena Consultant ("SAC"). "I am very impressed by Bobby's ability to deal with regulators and community leaders in connection with Mellon's deal with Bank of New York," said Balsillie. "His unsurpassed loyalty to Pittsburgh will be a great asset to me as well. I am confident he will know just what to do when it comes to making sure Penguins end up in an appropriate venue. After all, Bobby is a fellow Canadian."

Balsillie and Kelly fielded questions on Mark Madden's radio sports talk show. One caller bluntly asked whether the team would be relocated to Ontario. Kelly said that he would "fight to keep the Pens in Pittsburgh," but, he quickly added, "Canada is the hockey capital of the planet and it is difficult to argue with that." Another caller angrily said that Mr Kelly does not "know the difference between icing and an arena hole in ground," but Balsillie calmly dismissed the accusation. "What does that matter? With Bobby as my SAC, he'll have the Pens in a new arena as fast as you can say 'ill North wind.' In fact, my guess is he'll find us a venue where we won't have to move an ounce of dirt, except for the dust that we kick up as we leave Pittsburgh."

FLASHBACK TO 1973: JIMINY "UNCLE SAM" CRICKET DISCUSSES SALVADOR ALLENDE WITH GENERAL PINOCHET

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM, AUGUSTO. SURE, WE'RE ALL IN FAVOR OF DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED REGIMES AND ALL THAT -- WHEN THEY'RE ON OUR SIDE, THAT IS."

WIKIPEDIA POSTED PRECISE DETAILS OF AUGUSTO PINOCHET'S DEATH TWO DAYS BEFORE IT OCCURRED

NEW YORK - Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopedia "that anyone can edit," posted specific, accurate details regarding the death of Chilean former dictator Augusto Pinochet, 91, two days before it occurred, leading experts to opine that persons connected with Wikipedia may have had some involvement in his death.

This is not the first time Wikipedia has posted an entry containing a high level of specificity about an event before it transpired. For example, it posted an entry on the poisoning death of Alexander Litvenenko by polonium-210 more than one full week before the ex-KGB agent was actually poisoned.

"The high incidence of such postings suggests more than mere happenstance," said Commander Bradleys Roadhouse of Scotland Yard. "The international intelligence community has long suspected that Wikipedia has had some involvement in numerous such incidents, perhaps dating to the Kennedy assassination." Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales defends such postings as merely reflective of the speed with which the encyclopedia reports up-to-the-minute, late-breaking events.

The Wikipedia entry on Pinochet, posted last Friday, December 8, stated: "On December 10, 2006, at 13:30 local time (16:30 GMT) he [Pinochet] was taken to the ICU. He died of heart failure and pulmonary edema, surrounded by family members, at the Military Hospital at 14:15 local time (17:15 UTC)." These details turned out to be precisely correct.

In addition, the encyclopedia has reported all of the Pittsburgh Steelers' losses this season before they occurred, but Commander Roadhouse discounts those entries as "proving nothing" because, he said, "anyone could have guessed those correctly."

BUSH SAYS NUCLEAR OPTION TO END IRAQ WAR IS "JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK"

WASHINGTON - President Bush outlined his "new way forward" to end the Iraq war, and he cryptically referred to its centerpiece as a "nuclear way forward." The President opined that the use of atomic weapons "on selected targets" where sectarian violence is most pronounced in Iraq "is just crazy enough to work." He flashed a crooked smile and told reporters that he was "not at liberty" to elaborate on that statement, but noted that "what I'm about to do is something I should have done at the outset. Just fasten your seat belts and hang on," he smirked.

ANGEL ARRIVES TOO LATE TO STOP MR. POTTER FROM TAKING OVER, RELOCATING MELLON BUILDING AND LOAN

Clarence Oddbody, Angel Second Class, was sleeping off heavy dose of flaming rum punch

SNOWMAN WITH VOICE OF BURL IVES SUSPECTED OF COMMUNIST SYMPATHIES

QUESTIONED BY HOUSE UN-AMERICAN ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE; CONGRESSMEN DEMAND THREE-TIERED ICE BALL PROVIDE NAMES OF OTHER REDS AT NORTH POLE OR RISK EXECUTION BY HEAT LAMP

MARY CHENEY REVEALS THAT RUMSFELD WAS SPERM DONOR

Donald Rumsfeld, meeting with reporters this morning, explains details of Mary Cheney’s pregnancy (Reuters Photo)

JERRY LEWIS STAGES TELETHON IN MOSCOW TO STAMP OUT POLONIUM-210 POISONING

Depression, alcohol-related incidents soar among Russian telethon viewers unaccustomed to beloved clown’s penchant for creating maudlin moments

CLOTHES SOLD UNDER KATHY LEE GIFFORD LABEL ARE MADE IN NORTH POLE SWEAT SHOP

Indentured elves work in abysmal conditions, forced to sing for no pay

Senate approves Gates 95-2; Santorum casts NO vote

LAME DUCK SENATOR WAS ALSO LONE "NO" VOTE ON RESOLUTION TO CONGRATULATE GIRL SCOUTS


WASHINGTON - Ousted Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum yesterday cast 1 of only 2 “no” votes on the confirmation of Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense. Santorum then delivered a nearly hour long speech warning of the dangers of not confronting "Islamic fascism" and anti-American countries such as Venezuela , North Korea and Cuba. "How do those who deny this evil propose to save us from these people?” said Santorum. “By negotiating through the U.N. or directly with Iran? By firing Don Rumsfeld, [and] now getting rid of John Bolton? That's going to solve the problem?"

Later in the evening, Santorum was also the lone “no” vote on a Senate resolution passed 99-1 to extend congratulations to the Girl Scouts of America on reaching its 96th anniversary. In Santorum’s wee-hours speech in front of an empty Senate floor, he warned of the dangers of not eliminating the “cult of uniformed little girls who push their addictive sugar snacks on loyal Americans,” and who are indoctrinated to “leave their homes and their mothers in favor of other strange women who brainwash them into service for their cause.”

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BUSH ASKS IRAQ STUDY GROUP TO TURN ATTENTION TO STEELERS, BIPARTISAN COMMISSION WILL EXPLORE WAYS TO GET THE BALL TO THE TIGHT END

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Calling the situation "grave and deteriorating," President Bush asked the members of the Iraq Study Group to prepare a report providing a blueprint for the Steelers to return to championship contention.

President Bush said henceforth, the ten member panel would be known as The Steelers Study Group. "The current approach is not working," said the President. "The nation's beloved football team has hit rough waters. It must chart a new way forward." Bush said he hoped the report would be completed before tonight's Steelers home game against the Cleveland Browns. However, he cautioned that the findings of the Steelers Study Group, while charting a course back to the playoffs, may be difficult to implement. "There is no magic formula to solve the problems of this team," said the President.

Former Secretary of State James Baker, speaking for the group, accepted the President's request. "It is pretty clear that staying the course is no longer an option," said Baker. "In our opinion, that is no longer viable." Baker said the group would look at a variety of things, including, but not limited to, getting the ball into the hands of the tight end, improving the play of the special teams, setting a strict timetable for the withdrawal of the coach, and redeploying forces on the offensive line.

"We've given the President a strategy for victory in Iraq," said Baker. "Now we can concentrate on more important matters."

PRESIDENT SENDS SERGEANT JOE FRIDAY TO AFGHANISTAN TO TRAIN AFGHAN POLICE

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Only days after the release of a joint report by the Pentagon and the State Department criticizing the Afghan police as "incapable of performing routine police work," President Bush announced that he had sent special police envoy Joe Friday to the region in an attempt to turn things around. "Joe has my complete support," said President Bush. "I am certain he will bring the same tough approach to battling the Taliban that he brought to the fight against hippies, drug users, con artists and peaceniks."

Friday, a fifty-three year veteran of the Los Angeles Police Department, was sent to Afghanistan several days prior to the official release of the report. He met with reporters via video conference. "This is the city," he began. "Kabul, Afghanistan." He then explained that he had been working the evening shift out of bunko division for the past forty-eight hours. "My partner's name is Hamid," he said. "I carry a badge."

When asked by James Glanz of the New York Times how he would improve the quality of work done by the Afghan police, Friday cast a knowing glance at his partner. Both men shook their heads in disgust. Then, Friday began. "Let me tell you one thing, you fresh punk," he said in a low growl. "When I'm through teaching these men how to walk without moving their arms, speak in terse, complete sentences, and never let a bad guy have the last word, the Afghan police will be the finest law enforcement organization in the world." Sergeant Friday said he would gladly meet with the press periodically to debrief them on the status of his mission. He promised to be candid. "The stories you will hear are true," he said. "However, on occasion, the names may be changed to protect the innocent."

SANTA RECALLS ALL PACKAGES OF POLONIUM 210 FROM HIS SLEIGH

WILL ASK AL QAEDA, OTHER TERRORIST GROUPS TO RESUBMIT WISH LISTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE DEADLINE

Vatican archaeologists find Apostle Paul's tomb in Rome

WITH REMAINS, ARCHEOLOGISTS FIND UNOPENED LETTERS FROM PAUL TO ROMANS, CORINTHIANS MARKED: "RETURN TO SENDER, POSTAGE DUE"

MYSTERY SOLVED: B-25 BOMBER THAT CRASHED IN THE MON IN 1956 TURNS UP IN MINIATURE RIVER AT MINIATURE RAILROAD AND VILLAGE

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh's most famous mystery was solved yesterday when a B-25 bomber that crashed into the Monongahela River in January 1956, then seemingly vanished, was pulled from the miniature river of Carnegie Science Center's Miniature Railroad and Village.

For two weeks after the plane crashed fifty years ago, the Army Corps of Engineers searched in vain for it. Urban legends sprang up about secret government divers whisking the plane away in the dark of night. Rumors spread as to what the plane was carrying, running from nuclear weapons to Howard Hughes.

Yesterday morning, Adam Swayne, 9, was visiting the Miniature Railroad and Village when he spotted a piece of metal sticking up from the miniature river. Adam alerted a volunteer. It was quickly apparent that a full-sized plane was lodged in the water. A snagboat was brought in to dredge the river, and the long-missing B-25 was brought to the surface.

Ben Clark of the Carnegie Science Center was both delighted and saddened. "Mystery solved," said Clark. "But now all the magic is gone." A perplexed look shot across his face. "Of course, we have no idea how a full-sized plane ended up inside a three-inch deep river in the Miniature Village," he said.

BARRY BONDS MAKES CAMEO AT BASEBALL'S WINTER MEETINGS TO PROVE HE'S FIT TO PLAY

GIANTS' SLUGGER GROWS BREASTS WITHOUT STEROIDS

DEADLY POLONIUM 210 TRACED TO "GOWERS DRUGS" IN BEDFORD FALLS

DRUGGIST EMIL GOWER AND BUILDING AND LOAN EXEC GEORGE BAILEY PEDDLED LETHAL DOSES OF RADIOACTIVE METALLOID TO RUSSIAN UNDERWORLD

BUSH RESPONDS TO IRAQ STUDY GROUP'S REPORT: "OH, WELL -- SO MUCH FOR 'STAY THE COURSE!'"

IRAQ STUDY GROUP ISSUES REPORT ON WAR

"WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ARMY"

BANK OF NEW YORK BUYS TURNPIKE, PLANS TO MOVE IT TO NEW YORK

HARRISBURG - Governor Rendell announced today that he has reached a tentative agreement with Bank of New York to buy the entire 500-mile Pennsylvania Turnpike, including the Northeast Extension to Scranton, for $20 billion. Bank of New York said it plans to move the highway to New York.

Governor Rendell told reporters that with the loss of the Turnpike, he will encourage motorists to use alternate routes, such as Routes 30, 22 and 80. Rendell explained that he fought to keep the Turnpike in Pennsylvania, but that "New York City is the transportation capital of the planet and it is difficult to argue with that." Even though the Turnpike will be moved, Rendell noted that Pennsylvania may actually gain as many as 2,000 jobs over the next three to five years as a result of the deal. He refused to explain how that could occur.

MELLON CEO ROBERT KELLY SUCCUMBED TO EYE POKE BY BANK OF NEW YORK ’S HASSELL

Mellon Financial CEO Bob Kelly (right) at the press conference on Monday, explains how “three stooges eye poke” maneuver eventually determined the battle over corporate headquarters. Gerald L. Hassell, President of The Bank of New York, looks on.

SOTHEBYS TO AUCTION ORIGINAL O'NEILL SCREENPLAY FOR BEATLES' FIRST FILM

SOLE COPY OF LONG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO A HARD DAY'S NIGHT EXPECTED TO FETCH MILLIONS

POPE CALLS VISIT TO TURKEY A SUCCESS, SAYS "IT WAS NOTHING LIKE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS"

MICHAEL RICHARDS CAUGHT ON FILM LEAVING BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO WITH COPY OF WHITE CHRISTMAS, CLAIMS HE WAS ONLY HOLDING IT FOR MEL GIBSON

PNC BUYS BANK OF NEW YORK-MELLON, COMPANY WILL STAY IN PITTSBURGH

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TO BE DETERMINED BY MADDEN 2007

NEW YORK - To resolve a dispute as to which team should play for the NCAA National Championship, the head football coaches from programs around the country, including Michigan, Florida and Ohio State, agreed to a "winner-take-all" game of Madden 2007. Ohio State's coach Jim Tressel agreed with reservations: "I am fine with this so long as my players are not required to learn how to use this contraption as it would distract them from their more important football tasks -- make that, scholastic tasks -- here at OSU."

LITTLEFIELD OPTIMISTIC HEADING TO BASEBALL'S WINTER MEETINGS, PIRATES' GM HOPES TO COME HOME WITH TOWELS, TOILETRIES, COMPLIMENTARY NEWSPAPER

ORLANDO - Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield said he was "cautiously optimistic" that he was not going to leave the baseball winter meetings empty-handed this year. "Management has given me the green light to be more aggressive in my pursuit of hotel linens and personal grooming items," said Littlefield. "I plan to take full advantage of that authorization."

The Baseball Winter Meetings are being held at Orlando's world-famous Dolphin Hotel, a renowned resort right in the heart of Disney property. Littlefield said he would spend every waking minute of his two-night package at the Dolphin working to obtain the kind of amenities the Pirate front office needs to compete with other organizations. "I'm hoping to leave with some pens, tablets, four pillows, several glasses, and towels. Lots and lots of towels," he said.

Asked if there was anything specific he was looking to obtain, the Bucco GM didn't hesitate. "What we really need is one of those little coffee pots that make two cups of coffee," he said, adding, "I should be able to get one of those."

Pirate owner Kevin McClatchy praised Littlefield for his ability to identify a need, and then go out and fill it. "Dave has said for months that our clubhouse needs an ice bucket," said McClatchy. "I am confident Dave is not going to come back to Pittsburgh without that ice bucket." Littlefield said the small-market size of the Pirates franchise doesn't give him the kind of financial flexibility that would allow him to book a room in the hotel for the duration of the meetings, so he would spend most of the time living out of his car. "The driver's seat reclines, so I can get a restful sleep," he said.

BETTY WHITE PHOTO FAUX PAS SHOCKS FANS, GOLDEN GIRL INSISTS THAT GOING WITHOUT UNDERWEAR IS A FASHION STATEMENT, NOT FIRST SIGN OF ALZHEIMERS

LOS ANGELES - Photos of Betty White taken by a celebrity photographer that reveal the longtime star of stage and screen prefers a night on the town sans undergarments have created a worldwide furor.

The photographer, Edwin Merino, took several pictures of Ms. White getting in and out of a car with former Golden Girls co-star Bea Arthur. "Some women would try and hold their skirts down, or something," said Merino. "But Betty wasn't even trying to cover anything up."

Mr. Merino was only able to snap two pictures of Ms. White before his camera malfunctioned. "I accidentally aimed the lens at Ms. Arthur, and the damn thing shattered," he said. Still, the photos made the wire services and the internet minutes after they were taken. Many of Ms. White's fans expressed disappointment upon hearing the news . "This is no way for a grandmother to act, said Bill Leckey, a twenty-two year old Wall Street financier. "I knew something like this was going to happen the minute I heard Betty was running around with that Lindsey Lohan." Mr. Leckey said he believes it's time Ms. White's relatives commit her to an institution.

Other people believe the decision by Ms. White to go out in public without wearing underwear, knowing she would be photographed, was not an early symptom of dementia, but a calculated decision by an aging actress still looking to take risks in an effort to advance her career. "This kind of thing is not without precedent," said Dr. David Corbett, a professor of Television Studies at the University of Dayton . "Doesn't anybody remember the Ellen Corby-Will Geer sex tape scandal of twenty years ago?" A copy of the tape, in the Beta format, recently sold for ten thousand dollars on Ebay.

MELLON CEO KELLY CLAIMS HE FOUGHT TO KEEP HQ IN PITTSBURGH

A few shirts still available . . .

YUKON CORNELIUS TAPPED TO LEAD WEST VIRGINIA MINE SAFETY PANEL, PROMISES TO IMPROVE CONDITIONS, ELIMINATE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN FROM THE WORKPLACE

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL EXPOSES SELF-TAUGHT DENTIST

WOULD YOU TRUST YOUR TEETH TO THIS MAN?

RAVENSTAHL, FIANCEE OF WEALTHY BUSINESSMAN SEEN EMBRACING ON GATEWAY CLIPPER, YOUNG MAYOR OVERHEARD SHOUTING "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!"

BUSH REALIZES THAT HE MEANT TO APPOINT MICHAEL BOLTON AS UN AMBASSADOR; ASKS FOR RESIGNATION OF JOHN BOLTON

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush today asked U.S. ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton to step down, after coming to the realization that he was not the 1980s silky voiced crooner Michael Bolton Bush had intended to appoint to the post.

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino, speaking today on a conference call with reporters, said President Bush “asked [John] Bolton to sing a few bars of ‘When a Man Loves A Woman,’ and almost immediately realized that a serious error had been made."

"His style was different,'' Chinese Ambassador Wang Guangya said today of John Bolton, adding that “we had him out for karaoke last week, and we didn’t think that he seemed all that talented.”

Canadian ambassador Celine Dion applauded the move, and called for Congress to quickly move to confirm the Michael Bolton appointment in order to allow the U.S. and Canada to have more harmonious relationship.