APRIL

JOHN SHUMWAY TO UNDERGO ON-AIR SEX CHANGE DURING MAY SWEEPS PERIOD

PITTSBURGH - KDKA television reporter and radio morning co-host John Shumway will undergo an on-air sex change operation during the crucial May sweeps period. Shumway is the first local television personality to have a sex-change since Dr. Renee Richards underwent a similar procedure at Divine Providence Hospital in 1968 and emerged as long-time anchorman Ray Tannehill. KDKA News Director John Verrilli announced the news at a press conference this morning at Gateway Center.

“Ever since John underwent on-air liposuction years ago," Verilli said, "viewers have called and written asking us to broadcast additional medical procedures, and surprisingly, the most frequent request we receive is for John to have the sex change. With the upcoming sweeps so important to set advertising rates for the next quarter, now just seemed to be the perfect time."

Shumway, who joined Verilli at the press conference, said he was looking forward to starting a new life as a woman. He even took some good-natured ribbing from his boss about the weight he regained after his liposuction. “I hope you know what you’re doing, John,” said Verilli. “Just because your gut came back doesn’t mean your [gonads] will.”

APRIL

TANKER LOADED WITH OIL, PESTICIDE, INSECTICIDE, NUCLEAR WASTE RAMS RACHEL CARSON BRIDGE, SINKS

PITTSBURGH - A tanker carrying millions of barrels filled with a highly toxic mixture of petroleum, insecticide, pesticide and radioactive nuclear waste rammed one of the columns of the Rachel Carson Bridge this morning. “The Edmund Fitzgerald Jr.,” bound for the Chem-Lawn Warehouse on Neville Island, sank in less than five minutes.

There are reports the captain of the vessel was traveling at a high rate of speed in an effort to get his cargo to the warehouse before dandelions and other grass-defiling plants take root in suburban lawns. Phone calls to the Chem-Lawn Warehouse were not returned.

The incident occurred only a week after the Ninth Street Bridge was renamed to honor the legacy of the local woman whose books, “Silent Spring” and “Silent Spring, Part Two” helped raise public awareness of environmental issues. The renaming was consistent with Western Pennsylvania's official policy of only renaming structures for Pittsburghers who fled the city prior to or upon achieving fame.

Allegheny County River Force Chairman John Craig said the effects of the spill on fish and plant life along the river would be “devastating.” “Even worse,” Craig added, “We now have to be concerned about the possibility of hideous, menacing, genetic mutations forming from the combination of nuclear waste and aquatic life. If you’ve ever seen The Beast From Twenty Thousand Fathoms, you know what I mean.”

In an effort to calm a jittery public, Mayor O’Connor has asked Police Chief Dom Costa to institute riverfront police patrols in an effort to thwart potential riverfront assaults on citizens from any homicidal Monster-Fish that may emerge from the water. Cleanup from the accident, according to a spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers, is expected to take years.

APRIL

BUSH APOLOGIZES PROFUSELY TO BRUTAL DICTATOR FOR AMERICA'S EXCESSIVE FREE SPEECH

A protestor interrupted President Bush's White House ceremony welcoming Chinese President Hu to America last Thursday, touching off an embarrassing international incident that could have negative repurcussions for the Bush administration's diplomatic efforts to end the U.S.-China trade imbalance. The protestor, a 47-year old woman who had obtained temporary press credentials to attend the ceremony, waited until Hu started speaking and then, for several minutes, yelled for President Bush to "stop [Hu] from killing" and "persecuting" the Falun Gong, a banned religious movement in China. Hu shot Bush a disgusted glance and curtly muttered, "I am not amused." Bush scurried to the lectern and yelled for secret service agents to "drag her away, just drag her away, would you?"

After the ceremony, Bush tried to prevent the incident from derailing the trade talks between the U.S. and China. He obsequiously told the Chinese president: "How dare that wretched woman question your right as supreme dictator of a sovereign nation to deal forcefully with dangerous subversives. I am so, so sorry for the excessive display of freedom of speech you witnessed today." Bush went on to explain that the American Constitution was "concocted by a bunch of foolhardy old bastards" who "didn't live in the real world." Winking at Hu, Bush promised to "tighten up" the First Amendment.

"Good," snapped the still-angry Hu, "because I will not stop persecuting, or killing, the Falun Gong, in my sole discretion."

"Nor should you," Bush quickly agreed. Hu then chided Bush for the "lenient" manner in which the United States deals with its dissidents. "We have a very effective way of dealing with undesirables in China," Hu said. "You will find evidence of that in the Tiananmen Square Massacre."

"Well, we have an effective way of dealing with them, too," Bush assured him. "For example, recently a rich lawyer got out of line, so I arranged for him to go quail hunting with my Vice President."

APRIL

BREAKING NEWS: Tom Cruise accidentally eats part of new daughter along with placenta

LOS ANGELES - Joy turned to tragedy this afternoon when Tom Cruise accidentally ate part of his newborn daughter, named L. Ronda Hubbard-Cruise, moments after his fiance, 27-year old Katie Holmes, gave birth. According to a nurse in the delivery room who asked not to be identified, Cruise was happily munching on placenta when "he just kept eating -- he must've thought the little girl was part of the placenta." Katie Holmes witnessed Cruise's unintentional cannibalism and wanted to scream out, but the "silent birth" tenets of the Church of Scientology, to which she and Cruise belong, prevented it. After a struggle, the nurse pulled the ravenous Cruise away from the infant. The little girl weighed 7 pounds 7 onces at birth, and 5 pounds 2 onces after Cruise ate part of her.

THIS WEEK, THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL RECALLS THE TOP STORIES OF 2006: TODAY - JANUARY AND FEBRUARY

JANUARY

ALITO IN ALTERCATION WITH PHOTOGRAPHER ENTERING CONFIRMATION HEARING, VOWS TO BREAK LEGS OF "PAPARAZZI SCUM"

WASHINGTON - Judge Samuel Alito was accused of assaulting an US Magazine photographer as he attempted to enter the Senate Judiciary Conference Room this morning. Alito, who pushed through a phalanx of reporters with a terse "get lost, you creeps," as he bounded up the steps and into the building, allegedly became enraged when he spotted several federal judiciary paparazzi lurking behind a statue of Judge Rufus Peckham.

When the photographers tried to take his picture, witnesses said Alito grabbed the camera of one photographer and threw it to the ground, stomping on it repeatedly and breaking it into several pieces. As the other photographers continued taking his picture, a sneering Alito reached into his breast pocket. Pulling out a large wad of bills, he handed the money to his long-time tipstaff Izzy Jillo and told him to "take care of this scum. Break their legs." Jillo and Alito then began battering photographer Al Eisenstadt Jr. about the face and neck with their fists. Alito then entered the conference room, but before closing the door he warned reporters and photographers covering the fight that he "would hurt" anybody who got in his way again. The hearings continue this morning.

JANUARY

HILLARY TAKES TO THE AIR TO STOP JUDGE ALITO

JANUARY

AUTOPSY REVEALS KING KONG DIED OF MASSIVE HEART ATTACK; “TWAS CHOLESTEROL KILLED THE BEAST,” SAYS FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST

PITTSBURGH - An autopsy performed by Allegheny County Coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht at the request of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the American Zoological Institute shows that the famed gargantuan King Kong did not, as was originally believed, die as a result of biplane-delivered bullet wounds.

“After examining all available film of Kong at the top of the Empire State building frame by frame, I surmised that the actions of the giant ape -- hand clutching chest, facial contortions, arms gesticulating wildly in severe agitation -- were consistent with those of someone suffering cardiac arrest. When I opened him up, my initial diagnosis was confirmed. Kong’s heart was in terrible condition, no doubt a result of his poor dietary habits while residing on Skull Island. Eating human sacrifices day after day is terrible for your cholesterol level, and so on and so forth - no matter what my esteemed colleague Dr. Atkins believed."

Wecht said initial remarks by an unnamed police officer claiming “the airplanes finally got him” were nothing more than “the unprofessional, imbecilic, juvenile assertions of a glorified boy scout.”

JANUARY

IRAN RESUMES NUCLEAR TESTING, U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL ASKS DR. PHIL FOR HELP DEALING WITH IRANIAN PRESIDENT

NEW YORK - Hours after Mohammad Saeedi, Deputy Head of Iran's Atomic Energy Organization, announced that Iran was removing the seals from it's nuclear facilities, a frustrated U.N. Secretary General Koffi Annan made an emergency visit to tele-therapist Dr. Phil McGraw asking for help in developing a strategy for dealing with an incorrigible head-of-state. "I don't know what to do with him, Dr. Phil," said Annan. "I ask him not to develop nuclear weapons, and he says he won't. Then he turns around and starts developing them."

Dr. Phil, known for his no-nonsense approach to parenting, relationships and statecraft, was blunt. "You're sending him mixed messages, Koffi! Developing nuclear weapons is selfish, destructive behavior, and he needs to know that you won't tolerate it." Dr. Phil added it was about time Annan let Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad know that he needed to "get real." Dr. Phil then excoriated Annan for being "a weak-willed head of a weak-willed world-organization." At one point, he bellowed, "You make me sick, Koffi!" Annan repeatedly nodded his head in agreement. On at least two occasions, he was seen dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. Despite his criticisms, at the conclusion of the show, Dr. Phil announced that he had agreed to perform an intervention on behalf of the U.N. in an attempt to get Iran to suspend its nuclear program. The intervention will air during the February sweeps.

JANUARY

SNOWSTORM TRAPS CHANNEL ELEVEN NEWS TEAM ON TELEVISION HILL, ANCHORS RESORT TO CANNIBALISM

Anchor David Johnson Broadcasts Urgent Plea for Help, Hair Products

PITTSBURGH - A sudden winter storm caught forecasters by surprise last night, rendering many roads too hazardous to travel, and creating a crisis at a local television station. Shortly after 8 p.m., NBC affiliate WPXI broke in to regularly scheduled programming to announce that the station was completely surrounded by snow and that employees had no way of leaving. A crawler across the bottom of the screen announced that some of the on-air talent had become so desperate for food that they were resorting to cannibalism and debating the best way to prepare Channel Eleven reporter Alan Jennings for human consumption. Anchorman David Johnson asked for the prayers of all viewers, and urged local government officials to ready plans for an emergency airdrop of badly needed hair-care products. “Things are getting desperate, folks,” he warned. “A little more than an hour ago, I saw some gray.”

JANUARY

CHENEY, RUMSFELD ENJOY PRIVATE SCREENING OF “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN”

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld took in a private screening of “Brokeback Mountain” at a Washington D.C. multiplex Sunday night and, according to a highly agitated Mrs. Cheney, were “visibly moved.”

The film, directed by Ang Lee, is a critically acclaimed tale of two cowboys who fall in love set against the backdrop of the American West. “Many times during the movie I looked at Dick and he was nodding his head,” said Mrs. Cheney.

“Several times I saw Secretary Rumsfeld reach over and pat his hand. I’m not sure what that was all about.” According to ushers sweeping the theater, Cheney and Rumsfeld were still huddled in their seats at least ten minutes after the house lights were raised after the credits finished. Vice President Cheney appeared to be crying. Leaving the theater, a red-eyed Cheney refused comment but walked directly to his limousine with Secretary Rumsfeld. The two men embraced before Cheney entered the car and returned home, presumably with his wife. When a reporter asked Rumsfeld how he enjoyed the movie, he smiled and said “I’ve lived it.” Asked about the propriety of men engaging in acts that some people find morally objectionable, Rumsfeld paused. “Stuff happens,” he said. “Free people should be free to make mistakes.”

FEBRUARY

TODAY'S POLITICAL CARTOON FROM THE TEHRAN POST-GAZETTE TITLED: "MUHAMMAD SCOWLS AT THE WEST"

FEBRUARY

THE DAY BEFORE THE SUPER BOWL, PITTSBURGH NEWSPAPER PREPARES FOR ANY SUPER BOWL EVENTUALITY

FEBRUARY

WARNER BROTHERS PULLS ROADRUNNER-COYOTE-PROPHET MUHAMMAD CARTOON FROM RELEASE SCHEDULE

LOS ANGELES - The daily trade paper Variety is reporting that Warner Brothers Studio has decided to withhold the release of a cartoon short featuring the Road Runner, the Coyote and the Prophet Muhammad after it was poorly received by test audiences in Pakistan. Exit polling done by Warner Brothers employees at a downtown Karachi multiplex revealed that patrons “strongly objected” to a number of incidents within the cartoon, including but not limited to scenes depicting the Prophet sustaining an anvil blow to the head; being flattened by a steamroller; and repeatedly running into mountain-side paintings of tunnels drawn by the Roadrunner that were, in reality optical illusions. Reportedly, audiences were extremely agitated with the ending of the cartoon, which showed the Prophet falling off the side of a cliff, only to suffer an even greater indignity when a portion of the cliff became disengaged from the rest of the mountain and landed on top of a flimsy umbrella that a dazed Prophet attempted to use for defense.

According to a report submitted to the Warner Brothers' Marketing Department representatives at the theater, patrons exhibited a “high degree of dissatisfaction” with the product. They “manifested their displeasure” by “burning the theater to the ground and repeatedly stabbing the [theater] manager.” Worse, many vowed “never to view any product made or distributed by Warner Brothers Studios again.” An anonymous Warner Brothers' animation engineer expressed surprise at news of the dissatisfaction, noting that the Coyote "suffered almost as many hits as" the Prophet, and he is not Muslim.

An emergency meeting of Warner Brothers' shareholders was called for this morning. Warner CEO Jack Warner III is expected to offer a full apology for the cartoon, along with coupons redeemable for complimentary admissions and concession stand discounts to “any offended Pakistani viewer” who sends a letter, along with a copy of their ticket stub, to Warner Brothers Studio.

FEBRUARY

PITTSBURGH OVERSIGHT BOARD SEIZES LOMBARDI TROPHY AT STEELER RALLY, PLANS TO AUCTION IT ON EBAY

"THE TROPHY IS A FORM OF TAXABLE REVENUE, AND THE CITY HAS TO GET ITS SHARE," SAYS OVERSIGHT BOARD CHAIRMAN JOHN MURRAY

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers came home today, to the capital of the Steeler Nation, where they were feted by tens of thousands of fans for bringing the Lombardi Trophy back to the Steel City for the first time in 26 years. There were so many Terrible Towels waving that Pittsburgh's Buhl Planetarium says it looked like an ocean of gold from the Hubble Telescope in outer space. Pittsburgh Police were helpless to stop the massive crowd from breaking through the barriers and spilling onto Fifth Avenue, forcing marching bands to proceed practically single-file. Jerome Bettis rode in the last car, clutching the Lombardi Trophy. When the parade reached Point State Park and a joyous round of fireworks exploded in the cold afternoon air, the champions were startled to see in the crowd the state-appointed oversight board that oversees all expenditures of the financially strapped city. Oversight Board Chairman Dr. John E. Murray approached Tommy Maddox, who was put in charge of guarding the Lombardi Trophy, and demanded that he hand it over. "They claimed that the [Lombardi] Trophy is a form of taxable revenue," explained a perturbed Coach Bill Cowher. Cowher yelled for Maddox to lateral the trophy to him, but Dr. Murray intercepted it. The giant crowd booed Maddox mightily. "Leave it to Maddox to blow the biggest play of the year," said one Steeler who asked not to be identified. The Oversight Board plans to sell the trophy on Ebay and take the City's share before handing over the remainder to the Steelers.

FEBRUARY

SIRHAN SIRHAN SEEKS COMMUTATION OF LIFE-SENTENCE, CLAIMS HE WAS HUNTING QUAIL WHEN HE SHOT RFK

SACRAMENTO - Sirhan Sirhan is seeking a commutation of the life-sentence he received as a result of his conviction stemming from the June 1968 assassination of Senator Robert F. Kennedy because he claims he was hunting quail in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel when Kennedy accidentally crossed into his line of fire.

The Petition filed today by attorneys for Sirhan in the state Supreme Court claims that at the time of the shooting, Sirhan had followed a covey of quail into the kitchen, but in "a tragic mix-up," he mistook Senator Kennedy for an oversized game bird. "Senator Kennedy failed to signal that he was walking behind Sirhan," the Petition contends, "which, as every hunter understands, is standard procedure when quail hunting in the kitchen of the restaurant of a large hotel." Sirhan went to great lengths to make clear that he was not blaming Kennedy for the shooting. "Ultimately, I'm the guy who pulled the triggered," he wrote. "So, yes, I take full responsibility."

The Petition also explained why Sirhan waited so long -- almost 38 years -- to reveal that the shooting was an accident. "My immediate concern was for the health of my friend, Bobby," Sirhan explained. "I still think it was the right call to wait." Sirhan admits that the one thing for which he is culpable is failing to pay the state of California the seven dollar fee for a quail-hunting license. "Nevertheless," the Petition asserts, "the 38 years Sirhan has spent in prison should constitute sufficient punishment for this oversight."

FEBRUARY

JEROME BETTIS SUSPECT IN RASH OF DETROIT ROBBERIES, GIANT KEY TO CITY USED TO ACCESS HOMES, BANK VAULTS

DETROIT - Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick issued a plea to Pittsburgh Steeler running back Jerome Bettis to turn himself into police tonight after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of robberies in the greater Detroit Metro area. Over a seven day period ending last Sunday, numerous civic and financial institutions, including the Detroit Museum of Art, First National Bank and the Henry Ford Center for Automobiles and Anti-Semitic Studies have suffered incalculable losses in a string of after-hours break-ins. No signs of forced entry were apparent to investigators, leading police to conclude that the perpetrator must have access to each of the buildings.

Mayor Kilpatrick, who presented Bettis with a key to the city during a ceremony last week at City Hall, was clearly upset. "When I gave this key to 'the Bus,' I asked him to be careful about who he gave it to. I want to remind all of you that Jerome has not been charged with a crime. I'm sure there is a very simple explanation for how so much money, art, jewels, cars and hate literature could have been stolen in such a short period of time and with such relative ease, and I'm certain that explanation does not implicate our hometown hero and his recently obtained key that opens every lock from Ann Arbor to Grosse Pointe."

FEBRUARY

CHENEY RELEASES PHOTO PROVING HE DIDN'T SHOOT FELLOW HUNTER; "REAL GUNMAN WAS ON GRASSY KNOLL -- I'M JUST THE PATSY," SAYS VP

FEBRUARY

SIX SURVIVORS COME FORWARD: DICK CHENEY ROUTINELY HUNTS HUMAN PREY ON CORPUS CHRISTI RANCH

CORPUS CHRISTI - Six Corpus Christi residents stepped forward yesterday to allege that Vice President Dick Cheney routinely lures unsuspecting persons to the same ranch where he shot Harry Whittington last Saturday, then sadistically hunts them as human prey. Police describe each of the informants as credible, and in light of their revelations have begun to question hundreds of possible witnesses in connection with 216 cases of persons reported missing in the Corpus Christi area over the past five years. Many of those missing persons disappeared after they left for quail hunting trips with the Vice President.

One of the citizens who stepped forward yesterday, attorney Bob Haas of Fort Worth, told reporters that Cheney lured him to the ranch last September, supposedly to shoot quail, but it quickly became apparent Cheney was after bigger game. "As soon as we got out of the car, he looked straight ahead, sort of strange," Haas recalled. "Then he said in a low, calm voice, 'You have thirty seconds.' I'm thinking, 'Thirty seconds for what?' He said, 'I have a bad heart and can't run very well, so that should give you enough time -- if you're fast enough.' Then he started counting out loud. I turned to the secret service agent and asked, 'He's joking, right?' The agent looked me in the eye and said, 'Mister, once Mr. Cheney starts counting, I've never heard him stop until he reaches 30.' Well, I was never so scared in my life. Needless to say, I ran as fast as I could. He got me in the leg, but I made it to the highway."

Another witness who stepped forward is motion picture screenwriter Tim Murray who said that one of the films he scripted, the horror classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was based on Cheney. "Harry Whittington was one of the lucky ones," Murray said. "If I had to guess, I'd say there's probably a couple hundred bodies buried on that ranch, courtesy of the Vice President."

FEBRUARY

LOCAL MAN RECOVERING FROM ANOTHER DICK CHENEY MISFIRE: "CHENEY'S AIM AT URINAL JUST AS POOR AS WHEN HE HUNTS QUAIL"

"MY PANTS WERE RUINED," SAYS MAN STANDING NEXT TO VEEP.

STEELERS ARE FINISHED

"GOD REST YE MERRY, GENTLEMEN"

MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL'S CHRISTMAS WISH FOR PITTSBURGH

The Mayor and Carbolic Smoke Ball at DVE Morning Show's Christmas Party. Click here to listen (press click to play, then pause it for several seconds to allow it download)

NEW "TICKLE ME KHOMEINI" DOLL THE MUST-HAVE TOY FOR IRANIAN KIDS THIS CHRISTMAS

TEHRAN - Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular "Tickle Me Khomeini" doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line. Violence erupted across the country at numerous Al-Marts, a gigantic Iranian discount store, where large crowds gathered, jostling each other to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls. The cuddly, plush, "Tickle Me Khomeini" features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. But whenever you rub his belly, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays. President Ahmadinejad also issued a stern warning to would-be profiteers. "Price gouging will not be tolerated," he said. "If anyone is caught selling a 'Tickle Me Ayatollah' at an exorbitant price, the penalty is death."

This is not the first time an Ayatollah Khomeini novelty item has created turmoil in Iranian society. In 1978, shortages of the Khomeini swimsuit poster, in which the leader of the Iranian revolution revealed a glimpse of his left nipple, started riots which eventually led to the overthrow of the Shah. Other hot-selling toys in Iran this Christmas are "Allah-board, the Train," a steam engine featured on a long-running Iranian children's show, and the EZ-Bake Nuclear Reactor. And for adults, merchants can't keep "Trivial Pursuit: U.S. Embassy Hostage Crisis Edition" on the shelves.

COPS SUSPECT REPEATED EXPOSURE TO "DOMINICK THE DONKEY" AS CAUSE OF DISC JOCKEYS' ON-AIR SUICIDE

INTERMINABLE "CHINGEDY CHING, HEE-HAW, HEE-HAW" DROVE 3WS MORNING DRIVE-TIME TEAM TO MADNESS, DEATH

FOUND: NATION OF ISLAM LEADER LOUIS FARRAKHAN'S LOST RECORDING OF WHITE CHRISTMAS

BOSTON -- As a child, Menachem Schwartz, who later became Nation of Islam Leader Louis Farrakhan, received classical training as a violinist. By the age of 13, he played with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. A year later, he went on to win national competitions, including the Ted Mack Original Amateur Hour. It was on Amateur Hour that Schwartz first performed White Christmas. Schwartz's performance was so stirring that it left Mack in tears. "We were all crying," said former stagehand Tim Murray, now 89. "Irving Berlin himself called the network to congratulate us and was weeping as if he'd just lost an arm. After hearing Menachem play that song, I could never listen to that impostor [Bing] Crosby do [White Christmas] again."

The recording was found last month in late collector Sean Cannon's warehouse, ironically in the same crate that contained the Jackie Mason recording of Silent Night. Both recordings have just been made available as bonus tracks on Barbra Streisand's new Christmas CD, A Mensch is Born in Bethlehem.

ACLU CHIEF SAYS LACK OF CRECHE-RELATED LAWSUITS “MAKING IT DIFFICULT” TO GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT

BUSH WANTS FELIZ NAVIDAD TO BE SUNG IN ENGLISH

NEXT ON LIST: O, TANNENBAUM!

PROFESSOR HINKLE IS OUTED, ADMITS SIZZLING THREE-YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH LANCE BASS

"FROSTY" VILLAIN OUTED IN NATIONAL ENQUIRER STORY "WHO'S GAY AND WHO'S NOT IN RANKIN/BASS CHRISTMAS SPECIALS"

INSPIRATION FOR TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS WAS BURGLARY, AUTHOR'S DESCENDANT CLAIMS

NEW YORK -- A descendant of the author of A Visit From Saint Nicholas, better known as Twas the Night before Christmas, says that the inspiration for the popular children's story was a real-life burglary. Velveeta C. Moore-Lugosi explained that her great-great-grandfather, Clement C. Moore, "was a light sleeper" and that one summer night he heard someone in the house.

"Pops came down to the drawing room, completely naked as was his custom, and discovered that a fat guy with a white beard had come in through the chimney and was rummaging through Pops' stuff. Well, sir, the crook took one look at Pops and dropped his sack and took off like a shot."

Moore was so incensed by the crime that he penned a diatribe against the burglar that contained lines such as the following: "The criminal was hung by the chimney with care, in hopes he would soon get the electric chair." But Moore's publisher convinced him that the story made no sense and, besides, it would sell much better as a Christmas poem. According to Moore's great-great grandaughter, "in less than a half-hour, Pops changed a word here and a word there" to create the beloved Christmas classic.

"And that," explained Ms. Moore-Lugosi, "is why everyone has heard of Twas the Night Before Christmas but no one is familiar with the original story, The August 12th Burglary."

MAGIC HAT LANDS ATOP STATUE OF MAO TSE TUNG, LONG-DEAD COMMUNIST RULER OF CHINA COMES BACK TO LIFE, RESTARTS CULTURAL REVOLUTION

PEKING - Employees and members of the Chinese Communist Party were shocked this morning when the Great Helmsman himself, Mao Tse Tung, wearing only a mysterious black top hat, walked through the Great Hall of the People, greeting passers-by and issuing calls to imprison or exterminate all enemies of the Revolution.

Mao Tse Tung, who died thirty years ago, had spent the past twenty-five years as a life-size statue in Tienanmen Square . Mao was apparently returned to life by the magical powers contained within a black hat placed on his head by a group of Chinese children. One of the children told CNN that “when we placed it on his head, he began to dance around." The new Mao’s first words to the children were reportedly “Happy Birthday.” He then asked the kids if anyone knew “how Nixon was doing.” International observers are concerned that the old-new Mao could seek to restore his legendary cult of personality. A spokesman for Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said the Secretary was “concerned” that the return of a controversial figure such as Mao Tse Tung could “impede” progress the Chinese are making in areas such as human rights and international relations.

The spokesman refused to say whether or not the United States would support any attempt to remove the top hat from Mao’s head. “We do not wish to interfere in the internal affairs of China ,” he said. “We have no official position on this matter.” But, he added, “If the Chinese people want to return Mao to the form of a statue, they will have to do it on their own.”

A spokesman for the former statue Mao, now once again Chairman Mao, said the late but now living leader had no plans to remove his hat any time soon.

MOMENTS AFTER THE ANGEL LEFT THE SHEPHERDS IN BETHLEHEM, THEY DISCUSSED WHAT THEY HAD WITNESSED . . .

"What do we care if it was a "first"? Let's be honest: neither one of us knows what a 'Noel' is."

YOKO ONO BLAMED FOR BREAK-UP OF THREE WISE MEN

BALTHASAR'S NEW WIFE URGES HIM TO LAUNCH SOLO CAREER

BIN LADEN, AL ZAWAHIRI TO HOLD FIRST ANNUAL AL-QAEDA COOKIE EXCHANGE

PESHAWAR - In an effort to improve morale and share the spirit of the season, Osama Bin Laden and Dr. Ayman Al Zawahiri have announced that they will co-chair the first annual Al Qaeda Christmas Cookie Exchange. The exchange will take place following a holiday luncheon at the cave of both men on December 16th. The announcement was made on a video tape released to the Al Jazeera network yesterday. The tape was broadcast this morning.

“During this festive time, when so many of you are entertaining and preparing for jihad, it can be difficult to find time to bake,” said Bin Laden. “That’s why Ayman and I are starting this exchange.” Al-Zawahiri suggested that each participant make a dozen cookies of their choice.

To avoid duplication, he is keeping a detailed list of every cookie. “Nobody wants to have two dozen of the same thing,” said Al-Zawahiri. That remark prompted a playful response from Bin Laden. “Unless we’re talking about your snicker doodles, Ayman.” Al-Zawahiri smiled. "I have to admit,” he replied, “they are to die for."A spokesman for the Central Intelligence Agency said analysts had reviewed the contents of the tape and concluded that the two bearded men covered in flour, wearing aprons and over-sized chef hats were Bin Laden and Al-Zawahiri. The same spokesman would neither confirm nor deny that the agency was attempting to place an informant in the exchange.

ROBERT WAGNER CALLS FOR NATALIE WOOD INQUEST TO BE REOPENED

ACTOR CLAIMS EVIDENCE POINTS TO LOONY DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA OBSESSED WITH WOOD SINCE SHE WAS CHILD

PROPOSED LEGISLATION WOULD CHANGE ALL REFERENCES TO "KING WENCESLAS" IN BELOVED CHRISTMAS CAROL TO NATIVE AMERICAN SACAGAWEA

OnStar System cuts 120 miles from Wise Men's trip to Bethlehem

ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS OVERWHELMED BY TSUNAMI, "CHARLIE IN THE BOX" REPORTED MISSING, PRESUMED DEAD

"Here we come a-wassailing, among the leaves so green . . . ."

POLICE RELEASE LAST PHOTO FOUND WITH DECEASED CLIMBER

POPE BENEDICT XVI ISSUES FIRST HOLIDAY ENCYCLICAL, “ON TINSEL” EXPECTED TO CLARIFY CHURCH POSITION ON TREE-DECORATING

PERRY COMO KIDNAPPED BY ARMED MILITIA WHILE FILMING CHRISTMAS IN BAGHDAD TELEVISION SPECIAL

PITTSBURGH CITY COUNCIL DENIES MAYOR RAVENSTAHL'S REQUEST FOR GENUINE RED RYDER 200-SHOT CARBINE ACTION AIR RIFLE, CITES FEARS HE'LL SHOOT HIS EYE OUT

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN'S MAGIC HAT TOSSED ONTO MELLON ARENA ICE BY ROWDY FAN AFTER RYAN MALONE HAT TRICK

POLICE ARE SEARCHING FOR PENGUINS' CUSTODIAN WEARING OLD SILK HAT WHO SEEMINGLY HAS MAGIC POWERS

KIM JONG IL WARNS SANTA NOT TO VIOLATE NORTH KOREAN AIR SPACE, ASKS FOR NEW BLOW DRYER

BETHLEHEM PA MAYOR PROPOSES NEW LYRICS TO MAKE BELOVED CHRISTMAS CAROL "ACCURATE"

"O, LITTLE THIRD CLASS CITY OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF PENNSYLVANIA, HOW STILL WE SEE THE LIGHT . . . "

MISTLETOE CONTAMINATED BY E. COLI BACTERIA, FDA ORDERS MASSIVE RECALL, HOLLY, CHRISTMAS TREES ALSO BEING TESTED

WASHINGTON -- The FDA has ordered a massive recall of mistletoe from store shelves and is urging consumers to remove the holiday aphrodisiac from doorways and other suspended locations until further notice. The agency determined that spores from mistletoe can drop onto the scalp, face and lips of persons standing underneath or in close proximity to it.

"I don't want to scare anybody," said agency spokesperson Bradleys Roadhouse, "but necking under the mistletoe this holiday could literally be the kiss of death."

The source of the E. coli has been traced to reindeer manure in pastures surrounding a mistletoe field in Alaska. This discovery have led the FDA to also test the holly and Christmas trees which are grown on the same farm. Roadhouse explained, "We can't be too safe during the holiday. This is a season laden with tragedy, what with all of the dangerous toys and drunk drivers on the road, and now this. Merry Christmas, everyone."

PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD

NEW YORK - After weeks of careful ballot counting by volunteers from the Dade County Board of Elections that winnowed the candidates to a select few, followed by days of intense deliberations marred by hair-pulling, eye-poking and face-slapping that ended only with the last-minute intervention of United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, the Carbolic Smoke Ball is proud to announce - for the first time in our illustrious history - that our Person of the Year is, in fact, the Substance of the Year. And the winner is:

POLONIUM 210

Never in all our days have we observed a more efficient way to rid oneself of troublesome enemies than new Polonium 210, the odorless, colorless, invisible radioactive poison developed by the KGB and determined as the cause of death for pain-in-the neck Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko. Some are calling Polonium 210 an accessory to state-sponsored murder. That’s preposterous. We call Polonium 210 progress. Think of the profound implications such a product will have for the average American. Imagine being able to rub out the person sitting next to you on a bus or trolley chattering away on a cell phone with one quick swab of this deadly miracle substance. Or being able to terminate the conversation of the annoying couple – and the annoying couple themselves - sitting in front of you in a crowded theater. Not to mention having the power at your carefully protected fingertips to say goodbye – forever – to the nettlesome neighbors, nagging spouses, door-to-door canvassers and free-loading in-laws that add immeasurable amounts of aggravation to our existence. The time has come to make Polonium 210 available to every American who needs a quick, effective, lethal solution to the maddening daily irritants of modern life. We urge the FDA to approve Polonium 210 for widespread public distribution and over the counter sales as quickly as possible.

The winning entry in our 2007 Person of the Year Contest was submitted by President Vladimir Putin of Russia. We are pleased to announce that President Putin has won a Carbolic Smoke Ball Tee-Shirt. One of the illegal child immigrants toiling in our subterranean factory is even now preparing this handsome, sure-to-be a collector’s item for overnight delivery to the Kremlin, so it will arrive by Christmas.

We would also like to thank a few other loyal readers for their participation. Vice-President Cheney, Senator Santorum, Ms. Hilton, Ms. Ritchie, Ms. Spears, Mr. Bin Laden – your arguments were persuasive, but, alas, not persuasive enough.

Better luck next year.

NOTES ABOUT OUR ANNUAL PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD

Thanks to all our readers who submitted nominations for 2006 Person of the Year. We received some extremely worthy ones this year. Among them are the following: Joey Porter's dogs; Joey Porter (7 nominations); Denny Regan (4); Twanda Carlisle (2); Ken Miller; Jason Altmire (2); Yarone Zober (3); Dick Skrinjar (7); Baghdad Bob; Lynn Spampinato of Pgh. Public Schools; Henry Ellenbogen; Mike Veon; Bryan O'Neill; Duce Staley; Vice President Dick Cheney (2) "and the guy Cheney shot"; Mr. Nutting [principal owner of the Pirates]; and just this week, Don Barden (2). This year our winner was not a person but a substance (see above), but our runners-up were Dennis Regan and Dick Skrinjar. One nominee, Brian O'Neill, was disqualified because it was determined he actually made a legitimate, significant contribution to society (Mr. O'Neill spearheaded the successful effort to roll back the legislators' pay grab, then led the charge to oust a significant number of them in the election).

I must say, I was very close to being swayed by the following excellent memorandum I received from an anonymous reader. When I read it, my reaction was, "Wow!" He is the winner of an official Carbolic shirt in our nomination contest:

Doesn't it have to be Denny Regan? I mean, Bill Cowher's definitely given a lot to simulated news in Pittsburgh this year, but even the Carolina-bound savior of Pittsburgh and destroyer of playoff hopes hasn't achieved what the old-boy politico has. He takes part in a power struggle that would make Stalin happy, ousts people he doesn't like and claims that someone barely conscious did it, rises under the new mayor, then gets appointed to a meaningless position, only to find that it's not meaningless, and that the extra job is the worst good thing to happen to someone since Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. Then he gets put on leave pending an investigation that's nowhere close to a priority and the guy whose rise to power he orchestrated moves into his old desk amid a Dick Skrinjar denial, which is basically a nail in the coffin. Meanwhile, a guy half his age runs the city he used to control. As Jon Stewart once said, "It's not that you couldn't make it up, it's that you wish you had to." The sheer versatility of public themes and experiences the man went through in 2006 allows for almost any satirical situation to be applied to him. Things bad in Iraq? Bush to appoint Denny Regan Secretary of Defense. Things still bad? Bush to place Regan under investigation, Gates moves into his desk, Skrinjar says nothing's wrong. Anything shady happen anywhere involving anyone getting screwed? Regan orchestrated it. Said shady thing turns out to not work perfectly for person in charge, Regan goes under investigation. At this point, he must dream the monologue from "On The Waterfront." ("You shoulda looked out for me, Luke, you shoulda looked out for me just a little bit"). Clearly, Regan's efforts toward making the absurd commonplace have contributed more than enough to earn him a space on the Cup.

PENTAGON HOLDS MILITARY PARADE TO HONOR RUMSFELD