INVENTOR OF TV REMOTE ROBERT ADLER DIES AT 93, ASHES IMMEDIATELY MISPLACED
MILLIONS OF AMERICAN MEN START PETITION DRIVE FOR ANNUAL NATIONAL HOLIDAY IN ADLER'S HONOR
STEELERS COACH TOMLIN BREAKS INTO SONG ABOUT MEN
Routine question about player evaluation leads to chorus of “Stout-Hearted Men”PITTSBURGH – Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin unexpectedly broke into the Broadway tune “Stout-Hearted Men” at his weekly new conference today, revealing a clear tenor voice to the assembled reporters.
Since his introductory news conference, Tomlin has consistently referred to Steelers players as “men” or “the men.” Still, reporters at the news conference were surprised when Tomlin stepped away from the podium, looked into the distance, and belted out, “Give me some men who are stout-hearted men…Start me with ten, who are stout-hearted men/And I’ll soon give you ten thousand more!” His performance was met with polite, and perplexed applause.
Tomlin later explained his actions. “Besides football, show tunes are my passion. I know people don’t ordinarily break into song in everyday life, but ‘Stout-Hearted Men’ perfectly captures my coaching philosophy. ‘Shoulder to shoulder, bolder and bolder’ says it all. I put together a Broadway medley for my interview with the Rooneys, and I think that’s what sealed the deal.”
Previously, Tomlin had been heard humming the theme song to the CBS comedy, “Two and a Half Men,” but this was the first time he broke out into song. Longtime Steelers writer Gerry Dulac, who was at the news conference, said, “He did a pretty good job singing, but he’s no Frenchy Fuqua. That guy could sing a ballad that would knock your socks off. Maybe Mike could work on a few more showstoppers.” Tomlin said he is indeed working on a few other tunes. “I’m going wait to see how the season goes before deciding on the next song,” he said. “But none of that Andrew Lloyd Webber crap. I’m strictly a Rogers and Hammerstein man.”
Steelers guard and co-captain Alan Faneca was still in Hawaii vacationing when he heard about the singing coach. “I said it before and I’ll say it again --- I wanted Russ [Grimm] to get the job.” Tomlin had no comment on Faneca’s statement, other than to begin humming “So Long, Farewell” from "The Sound of Music."
TUNE IN TO KDKA TV NEWS TONIGHT FOR MARTY GRIFFIN'S REPORT
"COULD THE SCARE-REPORTS SHOWN BY LOCAL TV NEWS DURING SWEEPS MONTH BE MAKING YOU SICK?"
PEDUTO WANTS MAYOR TO DON PAPER BAG OVER HEAD IN PUBLIC
BEING THE "FACE OF PITTSBURGH" GIVES RAVENSTAHL UNFAIR ADVANTAGE, SAYS COUNCILMAN
NON-BINDING RESOLUTION COVERS MUCH GROUND
WASHINGTON -- After a contentious debate, the House on Friday passed a non-binding resolution rebuking President Bush's decision to send 20,000 additional troops to Iraq. Lawmakers from both parties used the high-profile resolution as an opportunity to tack on numerous non-binding riders to the resolution. One proposed rider labeling Bush as "a weenie" was defeated; however, a compromise rider calling the president a "chucklehead" passed with 17 Republicans crossing party lines to support it. Debate on another rider lending support to the troops serving in Iraq turned heated when some Democratic lawmakers wanted to specify the precise manner in which Congress supported the troops. Republicans countered that if such detail were spelled out in the resolution, it likely would encourage the insurgency. In the end, lawmakers agreed to add a non-binding platitude, rather than a non-binding resolution, simply stating, "Way to go, soldier!"
Another rider sponsored by Democrats called for a "sugar surge" to boost the sugar and caffeine levels in the diets of troops serving in Iraq, thereby increasing soldier productivity and eliminating the necessity of an actual troop surge. The rider was stalled, however, as Congress was deadlocked over whether to provide the troops with Hostess Ho-Ho's or Dolly Madison Zingers. A compromise rider calling for Ding-Dongs was scheduled for debate on Monday morning.
MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL INCITES RIOT WIELDING GIANT ICICLE DURING PENGUINS GAME
PITTSBURGH - This news source has recently acquired this photo sent by an attendee of last Wednesday evening's hockey game, who released it to us on the condition of "top secret" anonymity.At press time, the mayor defended his actions, issuing a brief statement that he was only trying to protect the hockey players from "crazy fans."
HEAD OF FDA RECALLS PETER PAN PEANUT BUTTER -- FONDLY
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a prepared statement, Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration Andrew C. von Eschenbach recalled the popular peanut butter Peter Pan today."How fondly I recall Peter Pan!" said Eschenbach. "It doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth. Picky people pick Peter Pan peanut butter, it's the peanut butter picky people pick. I love you, Peter Pan!"
BUCS' PITCHER MASUMI KUWATA WAS LAST OF JAPANESE HOLDOUTS STILL FIGHTING WWII YEARS AFTER IT ENDED
PIRATES TOLD KUWATA HE WAS A PRISONER OF WAR AND WAS BEING SHIPPED TO AN AMERICAN POW CAMP ON PITTSBURGH'S NORTH SHOREBRADENTON - Pirates' pitcher Masumi Kuwata, a former Japanese intelligence officer stationed in Lubang Island in the Philippines near the conclusion of World War II, is the last of the famous Japanese holdouts who was still fighting World War II years after it ended. All of Kuwata's platoon mates were slain or captured by Allied forces and news of Japan's surrender never reached Kuwata, who hid for years in a dense jungle where he continued his campaign as a guerrilla fighter, refusing to surrender and dismissing as a ruse every attempt to convince him that the war was over.
Pittsburgh Pirates scout Kent Tekulve, vacationing in the Philippines in 2006, was hiking one morning when he found Kuwata throwing apples at a tree. Kuwata's pinpoint control so impressed Tekulve that he immediately telephoned General Manager Dave Littlefield and got the go-ahead to sign him. But Kuwata refused to believe that the war was over unless he received orders to lay down his arms from a superior officer.
Within hours, the Pirates dressed batting champion Freddy Sanchez in the garb of a World War II Japanese commanding officer and flew him to the Philippines to order Kuwata to lay down his arms. "Freddy has an indistinct ethnicity about him," said Dave Littlefield. Bob Nutting, the Pirates' principal owner, instructed Sanchez what to say to Kuwata. Sanchez explained his encounter with the Japanese warrior: "In my best Japanese, I told Kuwata he was a prisoner of war," said Sanchez, "and that he was being shipped to an American POW camp on Pittsburgh's North Shore." Kuwata reluctantly laid down his sword and surrendered, and that is how the Pirates signed Kuwata to pitch for no pay.
Littlefield said that Kuwata will fit in well with the Pirates. "He will keep fighting long after it is apparent to every reasonable person that the cause is hopeless, that the war has been lost."
SICK BOY'S "MAKE-A-WISH" REQUEST: THAT TOP BRASS AT MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION BE GIVEN THE AX
WASHINGTON - The Make-A-Wish Foundation has a wish of its own: that it had never met 14-year old Adam Kidd. Last month the Foundation alerted Kidd, suffering a life-threatening disease, that he was eligible to have one wish granted. Unlike the wishes that the Foundation normally grants -- a visit to a favorite theme park or to meet a revered athlete -- Adam wished for the entire upper management of the 'Make-A-Wish Foundation' to be tossed out on their cans. "In the words of the 'Make-A-Wish' brochure," Adam explained, "that is my one 'heartfelt desire, my spontaneous, joyful impulse.'" "See, I need to leave my mark on something, and this just seemed to be the way to go," Adam said. "Hell, if I had wished to go to Disney World, would the press be talking to me now?"
With no alternative, Bradleys Roadhouse, President of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, tendered his resignation to Adam last week. "I told Adam I just needed a few weeks to tie up some loose ends," Roadhouse told a reporter today. "Well, you can imagine my delight when the hospital called me this morning to tell me that Adam may not make it through the weekend," Roadhouse said. "I'm starting to breathe a little easier."
GIULIANI TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
EX-NYC MAYOR ANNOUNCED HE WAS RUNNING WHILE STILL WEARING DUST MASK FROM 9/11. "THERE'S MORE TO ME THAN JUST THAT ONE DAY . . . BUT DID I MENTION HOW I TOOK CONTROL OF THE CITY AMIDST THE CHAOS OF THE TERRORIST ATTACK?"
SKRINJAR: CITY STREETS, ALLEYWAYS, SIDEWALKS ALL CLEAR AND DRY
"THE HEATING COILS THE MAYOR HAD PUBLIC WORKS INSTALL LAST WEEK WORKED PERFECTLY"
CALIFORNIA WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO KILL HUSBAND WITH WASPs
STANISLAUS COUNTY, Calif. - In a bizarre murder plot, 50-year-old Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne is facing attempted homicide charges after unleashing a swarm of White, Anglo-Saxon Protestants on her husband, Noah Swayne, as he was preparing to enter his vehicle after work. According to the police report, "the elitists traveled cross-country by yacht from Newport, Rhode Island and planned to have the would-be victim succumb to the superiority of their old money influence before they beat him with polo mallets." Their plot failed, according to Police Chief Adam Kidd, "as their small talk about prep schools in New England deteriorated into a lively debate about the best place for a summer home – the Hamptons or -- the Hamptons." The debate lasted long enough for Swayne to slip away without harm.
Telephone calls to Swayne were not returned, but one witness, a fellow employee saw the entire incident. “At first, I wasn’t sure they were WASPs – there’re not many left, you know,” explained Bradleys Roadhouse. “But, then I saw the tailor-made suits and heard one of the speaking kind of uppity. I knew to take cover. I didn’t want to get hit over the head with a Forbes Magazine or something.”
Police blame the plot, in part, on the popularity of the Sopranos, a televisions show that portrays the violent ways of another ethnic group and are fearful of other groups, such as the WASPs, sprouting up "to cause harm."
A NOTE TO OUR FANS
Carbolic Smoke Ball has the day off from DVE's Morning Show tomorrow because Jim and Randy are on vacation
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL WILL NOT REPORT THAT UTAH MALL KILLER WAS MUSLIM
COMMENTARY - This news service announced today that it will not report the fact that 18-year-old Sulejman Talovic, who killed five people before he was shot to death in a crowded Salt Lake City shopping mall, was a Muslim. "It simply is not pertinent to this story that this young Muslim fanatic, who was bent on killing as many innocent Americans as possible with the same Islamic zeal as his September 11 Muslim brethren, was a Muslim," said Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Judge Rufus Peckham. "Therefore, we will not report, nor will we even mention, that this young Muslim fanatic was, in fact, a Muslim."
The FBI has ruled out Islamic terrorism as a motive for the killings. Judge Peckham said he accepts this characterization, "as far-fetched as that might sound to an objectively reasonable person."
PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT ROCK SALT
WONDERS WHEN HE’LL BE ASKED TO EXPRESS HIS OPINION ON THE STATE OF CONTEMPORARY MUSICAL THEATER, WAR ON TERROR
PATRIOTS COMPETE FOR BRAGGING RIGHTS IN ANNA NICOLE SMITH PATERNITY SWEEPSTAKES
HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - The paternity sweepstakes for Anna Nicole Smith's baby just got more competitive. The entire 53-man roster of the New England Patriots, as well as their equipment manager, pictured here outside the hotel room where Smith died, filed legal documents in a Florida court yesterday claiming that each of them is the father of Smith's baby, Danielynn. After Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, entered the paternity fight this week, several other celebrities are rumored to be close to filing paternity claims, including weatherman Al Roker and talk show personality Rosie O'Donnell. Serial celebrity inseminator Kevin Federline issued a statement that he was "sitting out" this particular paternity sweepstakes. The Duke Lacrosse team was unavailable for comment.
PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR GUY COSTA ANNOUNCES NAME CHANGE
WILL NOW ANSWER TO “THE PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR FORMERLY KNOWN AS GUY COSTA,” “G-DIDDY,” OR “PUFF COSTA”
PITTSBURGH ZOO CLOSED FOR SNOW, IMPORTING OF POLAR BEARS
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Zoo was closed due to the winter storm today, but that did not stop the Zoo from trumpeting its new Polar Life exhibit. The Zoo's Managing Director Barbara Baker said that the popularity of the Zoo's recent Polar Bear additions inspired her to create an entire area devoted to polar life. The Zoo issued a press release that included this photo of two bears wrestling today in the new exhibit.
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV JOINS STAFF OF CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL
LAST LEADER OF SOVIET UNION SLATED TO COVER PITTSBURGH CITY HALL, WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR DEVELOPING STORY LINES DEPICTING MAYOR RAVENSTAHL AS A KID
AMIDST ONSLAUGHT OF FROZEN PRECIPITATION, PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR GUY COSTA DELIVERS ROUSING SPEECH TO EMBATTLED ROAD CREWS
“EVEN IF ALLEGHENY COUNTY AND ITS PUBLIC WORKS DEPARTMENT LAST A THOUSAND YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY THIS WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR”
LIBBY TO CALL CHENEY AIDE TO TESTIFY
WASHINGTON - In a dramatic change of strategy in the perjury trial of Lewis I. 'Scooter' Libby, the defense plans to call Vice President Dick Cheney's Magic 8-Ball to testify as to when it first authorized the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to be leaked to members of the press. The administration is expected to oppose any attempt to call the 8-Ball to testify, but legal scholars say that the White House faces an uphill battle given the 8-Ball's pivotal role in Cheney's decision-making process. "Everyone knows that Cheney uses the Magic 8-Ball for virtually every important decision," said a Vice Presidential staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Cheney even had it flown to Texas after he accidentally shot that lawyer last year. We call it 'The Decider.'"When asked about the possibility of being subpoenaed, Cheney's Magic 8-Ball answered, "Try Again Later." When the question was repeated, it said, "Go F*ck Yourself."
LEMIEUX FOLLOWS MYRON COPE'S ADVICE TO EMULATE THE CHIEF
MARIO HAS RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY TO LOOK LIKE STEELERS FOUNDER ART ROONEY, SR., TAKES UP CIGAR SMOKING, BETTING ON HORSES, VISITING FUNERAL HOMES EACH NIGHT
WTAE’S MIKE CLARK SUCCUMBS TO HYPERVENTILATION WHILE WATCHING VIDEO OF CARS CRAWLING ALONG PARKWAY EAST
HEALTH EDITOR MARILYN BROOKS SAYS PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO WINTER STORM HYPE “PROBABLE CAUSE”
BUSH DENIES AL-QAIDA NO. 2's CLAIM THAT HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC
DEMS SAY AL-QAIDA CHARGE IS "LUDICROUS" BUT NOTE THAT DENIAL IS CLASSIC SYMPTOM OF ALCOHOLISM
PIRATES SAY THEY WILL TRY TO GET THIS AFTERNOON'S GAME IN
OUTFIELD MAY BE "A LITTLE SLICK," SAID DAVE LITTLEFIELD, "BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD TO POSTPONE UNLESS WE REALLY HAVE TO."
TOILET PAPER RIOTS CLAIM DOZENS
Shortage sparks violence at local grocery stores, Governor promises National Guard response "as soon as I finish this sandwich," Milk and Bread to be air-dropped as conditions improve
PUBLIC WORKS EMPLOYEES ACCIDENTALLY SALT SIDESTREETS AND ALLEYS FIRST
MAIN ROADS CALLED “TREACHEROUS ROUTE LEADING TO CERTAIN FIERY DEATH,” PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR BLAMES “PRACTICAL JOKE GONE TOO FAR” FOR MIX-UP
MARY CONTURO OF SPORTS & EXHIBITION AUTHORITY REPLACED BY MAYORAL SPOKESPERSON DICK SKRINJAR
"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE CONVENTION CENTER," SAID SKRINJAR. "IN FACT, WE'RE GOING TO HOLD THE AUTO SHOW THIS WEEKEND, AND ANNA NICOLE SMITH, WHO IS ALSO FINE, WILL MAKE AN APPEARANCE. SHE'LL BE RIDING BARBARO, AND THEY'LL BE PULLING MAYOR O'CONNOR ON A SLED."
CONCERNED CITIZEN SLAPS SANDWICH FROM GOVERNOR’S HANDS
Man defends actions: “If he keels over, we’re stuck with Catherine Baker Knoll for four years. I’m no hero. I just did what any Pennsylvanian would have done in the same situation.”
HARRISBURG – Harrisburg resident Paul Chwastyk slapped a grilled steak with cheese and mayo sandwich from Governor Ed Rendell’s hands today, saving him from consuming 30 grams of fat. The Governor had just received the sandwich from workers at Da Pits Chicago Grill, which is located across the street from the Governor’s mansion, when the incident occurred.
Rendell had been warned by his doctors that he needed to lose weight and lower his cholesterol. At first, he seemed to heed their advice, as he was seen jogging through Harrisburg and had made healthful food choices at the Farm Show’s food court in early January. But his New Year’s resolution was history by the time he came into Da Pits yesterday.
Mr. Chwastyk was eating a salad in the restaurant when the Governor arrived. “I might have let him eat the sandwich if he had walked the 100 yards from the Governor’s mansion, but he had his state troopers drive him over, “ Chwastyk said. “If he’s going to be sedentary and eat high-fat foods, he’s gonna have a heart attack. I’m not that crazy about any of his policies, but better the devil you know, right?” Chwastyk paused, then said quietly, “I’m no hero. I just did what any Pennsylvanian would have done in the same situation.”
Chwastyk was wrestled to the ground by the Governor’s security detail and he has been charged with simple assault. Although he could receive three months in jail, Chwastyk is likely to be given community service and ordered to make restitution of $8.50 to the Governor.
Prince Frederic von Anhalt, husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, seeks custody of Anna Nicole Smith baby
POLL: 72% OF AMERICANS BELIEVED IT WAS "JUST A MATTER OF TIME" BEFORE ONE OF THE GABOR SISTERS BECAME INVOLVED IN ANNA NICOLE SMITH MATTER
ORBITAL DEBRIS ABOVE EARTH MAJOR CONCERN TO NASA
SPACE AGENCY TO SEND IRON EYES CODY, THE "CRYING INDIAN," INTO SPACE TO KICK OFF "KEEP SPACE BEAUTIFUL" CAMPAIGN
POLICE REUNITED AT GRAMMYS: JOHN VOJTAS, MILTON MULHOLLAND, MICHAEL ALBERT TO BEGIN NEW PATROL OF ROUTE 51
Reprise classic: “Every Breath You Take, Jonny Gammage, is One Too Many.”
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