VIACOM CHAIRMAN REDSTONE CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY "THAT NUT CASE" TOM CRUISE WON'T BE HIS FRIEND
HOLLYWOOD - Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone wants to heal his rift with Tom Cruise and said he can't understand why "that nut case, that flake, Tom Cruise" doesn't want to be his friend. Cruise hasn't spoken to Redstone since Redstone told the Wall Street Journal last year that Cruise had been given the boot by Viacom's subsidiary Paramount because of his bizarre personnel behaviour. Redstone was referencing the fact that Cruise couch-hopped on Oprah Winfrey' talk show while proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes, criticized the use of antidepressants, claimed that postpartum depression doesn't exist, and became combative with Matt Lauer on the "Today" show while defending his loony opinions.
"I was very disappointed," Redstone said, "that the weirdo took my comments out of context. I just can't understand it."
THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL MAYORAL POLL IS CLOSED AND WE HAVE A WINNER . . .
Our scientific Carbolic Smoke Ball mayoral poll is now closed, and it has produced some surprising results. Professor Emcee Square, the ghoulish host of WBGN's "It's Alive," won in a landslide. He garnered 64% of the vote. The poll had a margin of error of .0005 %. Here are the startling results:
SPECIAL ANNA NICOLE EDITION OF "CLUE" GAME MAKES DEBUT, OBJECT IS TO FIND REAL FATHER
"I ACCUSE HOWARD K. STERN, IN THE BILLIARD ROOM, WITH HIS MANHOOD"
CHENEY SAYS IT'S "SHAMEFUL" THAT OBAMA'S ANCESTORS OWNED SLAVES, CALLS ON OBAMA TO MAKE REPARATIONS TO HIMSELF
WASHINGTON - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, who is black, has white ancestors who owned slaves, according to a genealogical researcher. Obama had no comment on the report but Vice President Cheney said the news is "disgraceful," and added that Obama should apologize to Rev. Jesse Jackson and make reparations to himself."I think if [Obama] made a hefty reparation to himself, that would send the right message on behalf of negroid peoples," Cheney said with a crooked smirk. "Perhaps a million dollars would do it." Pressed to explain his rationale, Cheney became belligerent. "[Obama's] racist white ancestors profited from the shameful slave trade, and their ill-gotten wealth was passed down through the generations, all the way to Obama, that's all I'm saying."
Cheney also suggested that Obama enter rehabilitation, on behalf of his ancestors.
JACK WILSON FUMES: "CASTILLO CAN'T EVEN BREAK FOOT PROPERLY"
BRADENTON, Fla. - Pirates infielder Jose Castillo was injured Saturday in the Pirates' exhibition game against the New York Yankees in Tampa, Fla., when he slid awkwardly into second base in an attempt to thwart a double play. Castillo will have his right foot X-rayed Monday to examine the nature of a tender bone.
The Pirates reluctantly broke the news to Pirates' shortstop Jack Wilson, who has been publicly critical of Castillo's work ethic. Wilson immediately went on television with sportscaster Stan Savran to blast Castillo. "Why am I not surprised by this?" Wilson exploded. "He can't even break his foot correctly, Stan. I mean, is it broken or isn't it? See, that's the difference between him and me: if that were me, it would be a clean break, and everybody would know where we stand. This is just typical of Castillo." Wilson does a nightly television show with Savran where he picks a different person to criticize each night. In the past two weeks, Wilson has criticized TV talk show host Larry King, the U.S. Supreme Court, Ryan Seacrest, and Fidel Castro's brother Raul.
SWITZERLAND "ACCIDENTALLY" INVADES LIECHTENSTEIN
Test of Liechtenstein's defenses shows Liechtenstein has no defenses
ZURICH - Switzerland sent an elite commando unit into neighboring Liechtenstein today, abandoning decades of official neutrality. Swiss Army spokesman Daniel Reist at first claimed the incursion was an accident, but faced with skeptical reporters, he admitted Switzerland has designs on its neighbor's territory.
"We sent 170 soldiers over the border. In case they got caught, we worked up a story about them getting 'lost' in the dark. We even left the bullets out of their assault rifles to make it look like they were just training. But we were really testing Liechtenstein's defenses before the big invasion."
Officials in Liechtenstein said no one even noticed the presence of Swiss soldiers. Reist was incredulous. "How could they miss us? We were wearing our Vatican uniforms. You can see us in those get-ups more than a mile away. If we had known it was that easy to invade another country, we would have done it long ago. We might not even take guns with us when we go in next time -- I think a board with a nail in it would work with those people."
At the White House, President Bush declined to involve US forces. "We've got a couple invasions of our own to take care of, " he said. "Whatever the Swedes want to do is OK with me."
US intelligence officials believe the Swiss will invade Liechtenstein within a month. After consolidating power there, the Swiss are expected to take on other neighbors with weak defenses, including Luxemburg and France.
ZURICH - Switzerland sent an elite commando unit into neighboring Liechtenstein today, abandoning decades of official neutrality. Swiss Army spokesman Daniel Reist at first claimed the incursion was an accident, but faced with skeptical reporters, he admitted Switzerland has designs on its neighbor's territory."We sent 170 soldiers over the border. In case they got caught, we worked up a story about them getting 'lost' in the dark. We even left the bullets out of their assault rifles to make it look like they were just training. But we were really testing Liechtenstein's defenses before the big invasion."
Officials in Liechtenstein said no one even noticed the presence of Swiss soldiers. Reist was incredulous. "How could they miss us? We were wearing our Vatican uniforms. You can see us in those get-ups more than a mile away. If we had known it was that easy to invade another country, we would have done it long ago. We might not even take guns with us when we go in next time -- I think a board with a nail in it would work with those people."
At the White House, President Bush declined to involve US forces. "We've got a couple invasions of our own to take care of, " he said. "Whatever the Swedes want to do is OK with me."
US intelligence officials believe the Swiss will invade Liechtenstein within a month. After consolidating power there, the Swiss are expected to take on other neighbors with weak defenses, including Luxemburg and France.
ENTIRE CAST OF ABC’S EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME IMPROVEMENT EDITION MASSACRED BY CHAINSAW-WIELDING MADMAN FROM TEXAS
NETWORK CHIEF SAYS OFFERS OF ASSISTANCE FROM HOMICIDAL MANIAC “SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED,” PROMISES INVESTIGATION
ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT SCORES EXCLUSIVE, WILL COVER ANNA NICOLE'S BURIAL, AFTERLIFE
NASSAU, Bahamas -- Entertainment Tonight, the celebrated public affairs program, has acquired exclusive rights to cover the funeral of author, lecturer and public health authority Anna Nicole Smith, outbidding The Carbolic Smoke Ball in the intense competition to bring closure to a grief-stricken nation. ET, as it is known in the trade, was given exclusive access to Mount Horeb Baptist Church in Nassau,Bahamas, where today’s funeral services will be held, to the graveside committal at which select mourners will place red and pink roses on the casket, and is the only news outlet with rights to have a correspondent buried with the body for exclusive post-funeral coverage.
“This is, of course, a great honor that Anna Nicole’s family and legal counsel for her family have put the kind of faith in Entertainment Tonight to allow me to accompany Anna Nicole into the afterlife,” said ET correspondent Mark Steines.
The exclusive arrangement – which only ET viewers will get to see – includes Steines inside the casket with a camera crew, and exclusive interviews with Anna Nicole’s soul as it travels into the next world for final judgment.
“Obviously, we know that ET viewers are going to want to know what happens to Anna Nicole when she is judged in the next world,” Mr. Steines said. “She was a very spiritual person and we’re hoping to cover the happy reunion with her son, Daniel, and get her reaction when she finds out from God whether she’s going to Heaven or Hell.”
Teams of other ET correspondents will also be on hand to give saturation coverage to the next round in the long series of legal battles that have followed Anna Nicole’s passing. On Friday morning, her mother,Virgie Arthur, filed suit seeking custody of Anna Nicole’s soul, while her lawyer and boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, asked the Vatican to retroactively declare her a Catholic and have her sent to limbo until higher courts can intervene.
At the same time, the husband of Hollywood fossil Zsa Zsa Gabor said he is both the father of Anna Nicole’s baby and her spiritual advisor and has demanded that, in his unique religious tradition, she be reincarnated as an Afghan Hound. He did not explain his position.
“Clearly, this continuing drama – and Anna Nicole’s afterlife reaction to it – is going to provide gripping coverage that only ET viewers will see because of our extraordinary level of access,” said Steines. “And I plan to be there, bringing it to ET viewers as long as my oxygen pack holds out.”
ACCUSED STEELERS’ DOCTOR FLIES INTO RAGE, BURSTS OUT OF CLOTHES, TURNS GREEN
“I wanted to ask a follow-up question, but once he turned into The Hulk I beat it out of there,” reporter saysPITTSBURGH – The investigation of Steelers’ internist Dr. Richard Rydze took a new turn today when the normally calm physician turned into The Hulk. Rydze had been questioned by Florida authorities about his $150,000 purchase of testosterone and human growth hormone just days earlier, but a reporter set him off in a rage today.
Reporter Jack McGee, following up on the initial story, discovered that Richard Rydze also goes by the name of Dr. David Banner. McGee has pursued Banner for years, believing he is The Hulk, and he confronted Dr. Rydze with the evidence outside his UPMC office this morning.
“He seemed to recognize me, but he tried to act calm. He gave me the line about buying the hormones for his 'private patients,' but as I asked him more questions, he started to get agitated. Once I mentioned the name Banner, all hell broke loose. His clothes started to come apart at the seams, and his skin turned bright green. I got out of there as fast as I could.”
McGee believes an overdose of gamma rays and adenine thymine first led to the creation of Rydze’s alter ego. “I’ve got a lot of good documentation about his medical experiments with the gamma rays,” McGee said. “Since he’s been on the run, I guess he didn’t have access to the radiation and he switched over to testosterone and growth hormone. Let me tell you, he hit on the right combination.”
McGee said he last saw Rydze/The Hulk heading towards downtown, but Pittsburgh Police have not received any reports of rampaging giants. Dr. Rydze was unavailable for comment.
WORLD COURT DECLARES 1995 MASSACRE AT SREBENICA GENOCIDE, ABSOLVES SERBIA OF BLAME
SERBIA PROMISES TO CONTINUE THE SEARCH FOR THE REAL KILLER, OR KILLERS, OF THE BOSNIAN MUSLIMS
JOEY PORTER CUT, STEELERS' FRONT OFFICE DRAWS LOTS TO DECIDE WHO WILL TELL HIM
NEW GUY TOMLIN ASSIGNED TO TELL PORTER'S DOGS
APPEALS COURT ORDERS ANNA NICOLE SMITH TO BE BURIED IN PET SEMATARY
The Court's ruling explains: "The Court recognizes that Smith's burial in the mysterious 'Pet Sematary' [sic] could result in Ms. Smith coming back to life, albeit transformed into a bizarre, unholy abomination. Any such change would be inconsequential, however, since it is unlikely that even Ms. Smith's intimates would notice the difference."
UPMC ANNOUNCES FIRST-EVER SUCCESSFUL APPENDIX TRANSPLANT
PITTSBURGH - A team of surgeons at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center today stunned the scientific community with a new breakthrough that could change the finances of American medicine: a first-ever appendix transplant. A team, working under renowned surgeon Eddie Chang Maloney and noted medical budget director Gerhard Gundelsmen, successfully transplanted a new appendix into an 11-year-old Coraopolis girl. The girl’s previous appendix had been lost due to appendicitis, an affliction still prevalent among youngsters and adolescents. The nine-hour procedure began late last night after a donor appendix became available from a 52-year-old Mt. Lebanon man who died awaiting a new liver.
“This is a milestone in both the annals of both medicine and medical accounting,” an exhausted but clearly giddy Dr. Maloney told a packed news conference at UPMC’s media lounge. “There are literally millions of people out there, some in their 80s, some as young as little Kathy, the girl we operated on, who have been waiting for new appendixes since their childhoods. Likewise, there are literally thousands of young doctors just leaving medical school, burdened beyond their means with educational debts, for whom this breakthrough could make the difference between driving a Chevrolet or driving a Beemer. This is a win-win for both the medical side of medicine and the increasingly important financial side of medicine.”
Medical experts have expressed concerns in recent years over what they view as a precipitous decline in appendectomies, noting that the emergence of new, highly effective antibiotics that in many cases allow sufferers to weather appendicitis without surgery. This decline was viewed as “unacceptable, a genuine public health financial issue” by experts writing in The Journal of Medical Investment last year. Yesterday’s transplant suggests that, while the decline in appendectomies might not reverse itself in the near-term, the availability of hundreds of thousands of potential appendix recipients provides a chance to stem what some medical experts have seen as a dangerous decline in billable surgeries.
“This long medical scourge can now be ended,” said Dr. Maloney. “For too many years, young physicians have been casting around for some way to make financial ends meet. At last, we have the opportunity. I call on the transplantation community to keep a sharp eye out for head injury victims without little scars on their lower abdomens. Someone’s in-ground pool could rest in the balance.”
SPECIAL COUNSEL FILES ADDITIONAL CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST SCOOTER LIBBY; FORMER CHENEY AIDE ACCUSED OF REVEALING THAT BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald said he has uncovered evidence that former Vice Presidential aide I. Scooter Libby revealed the true identity of Batman to Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak in early July of 2003. Mr. Novak published the information in a July 14, 2003 column. Revealing the true identity of a superhero is a violation of the Federal Secret Identity Act of 1947. In his column, Mr. Novak disclosed that millionaire playboy and man-about-town Bruce Wayne, is, in fact, Batman. Novak’s revelation caused a furor in the business and philanthropic community, where Mr. Wayne is known as a tireless campaigner for good. When approached by reporters outside of his residence, stately Wayne Manor, shortly after Novak’s column was published, Mr. Wayne was in a sour mood. “I guess that’s it, fellows,” he said. “There’s no point in doing battle with arch criminals anymore, especially if everybody knows who I am.”
Mr. Wayne also said the shock of Mr. Novak’s column sent an elderly house guest, Harriet Grayson, into cardiac arrest. “Not even a whiff of Bat-Awake is doing any good at this point.” Mr. Wayne would not reveal if he had given Mrs. Grayson, known affectionately as Aunt Harriet, the universal Bat Antidote.
According to Mr. Fitzgerald, Mr. Libby leaked information about Mr. Wayne’s alter ego to Mr. Novak as political payback for Batman’s harsh criticism of the Bush administration’s prosecution of the war in Iraq. Mr. Fitzgerald said Mr. Libby’s “reckless actions have compromised the effectiveness of Batman as a crimefighter, and, in the process, have jeopardized the health and safety of good citizens everywhere.” Mr. Fitzgerald said he would seek the death penalty.
STEELERS' TOMLIN MOVES INTO SHADYSIDE HOME, PUTS PARKING CHAIR OUT FRONT
Neighbors appalled that it's not a Charles Eames or Le Corbusier original
CHAVEZ PRESENTS CASTRO WITH ANNA NICOLE SMITH "DEVICE"
CARACAS - In a gesture of international goodwill, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez presented Fidel Castro with a device that he claimed was formerly used only by Anna Nicole Smith. "This is just a below average replica of the normal South American," giggled Chavez to a delighted Castro, "unlike the gringos of the north."
LITTLEFIELD: MOST OF TEAM TRADED FOR 1909 HONUS WAGNER CARD
$2.35 Million sale of famed baseball card part of three-team deal to bring The Flying Dutchman back to the BurghLOS ANGELES - A surprise announcement came in the wake of the record-setting sale of the 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card. The buyer, who was previously identified only as a "Southern California" man, was revealed to be San Diego Padres General Manager Kevin Towers, who promptly traded the card to the Pittsburgh Pirates for all of their roster players except for the four men battling for the backup catcher position.
Pirates GM Dave Littlefield said that the move was in keeping with the team's "long-term plan for financial flexibility." The Pirates owners, the Nutting family, praised the deal in a written statement. "Honus Wagner was one of the all-time great Pirates," the statement said, "and we're very pleased that Dave has found a way to bring 'The Flying Dutchman' back to Pittsburgh, where he belongs."
Littlefield credited himself with the idea for the acquisition. "When we saw Honus was available, we just had to have him," Littlefield said.
The card will be kept in an airtight polyurethane frame. According to Littlefield, it will be "first on the depth chart at shortstop."
The remaining Pirates players were enthused about the move. "Before, I was battling three other guys just to be Ronny Paulino's backup," said catcher Humberto Cota. "Now, I have to believe I have a chance to play every day."
PICASSO'S STOLEN, POLICE SEEK SUSPECT
PARIS - At least two Picasso paintings, worth a total of nearly $66 million, were stolen in Paris, police said Wednesday. Police released a photo of the suspect taken by security cameras.
GORE BLAMES WIFE FOR EXCESSIVE ENERGY CONSUMPTION
“TIPPER RUNS THE AIR CONDITIONING ALL YEAR ‘ROUND – FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO STAY COOL"
OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
To Hell With Pigeons, I SayEditorial by Ozzy Osbourne, The Prince of Darkness
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has once again missed the mark, making plain its misguided mores by denouncing legal pigeon shoots as “barbarous events.” Clearly, its editorial board has never seen the movie Gladiator.
Unfortunately, this kind of tripe no longer surprises me, coming from a group of liberal elitists who must be walking under invisible, invincible umbrellas, shielding them from the unkind effects of pigeon poop.
And need I mention the incident that paralyzed Downtown just a short time ago, when equally imprudent law enforcement intervened and prevented a man from becoming a hero?
To suggest that pigeons are living, breathing creatures who do not deserve to be slaughtered so inhumanely is not only a veritable broadside against Downtown office workers who are simply trying to go about their business without nettlesome pigeons slowing them down, but it is a short-sighted approach to the growing problem of ethical treatment of animals in rural America as well.
The animal-loving miscreants at the *Post-Gazette* who choose to ruminate daily over the trivial matters of right versus wrong have never had one of these revolting birds build a nest on their front porch, obviously. If there is any pigeon that deserves to be shot to death, it is a live one. Americans have been shooting live pigeons for sport since the 1830s, and I see no reason why it should stop now.
Further, the Post-Gazette's unabashed support for House Bill 73, which would prohibit pigeon shoots, demonstrates how far selfish, fowl-doting writers can go. Noah’s dove was a pigeon? Phooey, I say. Pigeons saving soldiers in World Wars I *and* II? Fiction.
Saving only one office worker the inconvenience of sidestepping a pigeon in Market Square by shooting all the pigeons to death may not matter to everyone, but to that one office worker, I say, it matters.
THE CLEAR CHOICE FOR NEXT MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH: PROFESSOR EMCEE SQUARE
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh proved last September that it can garner national attention by having an atypical mayor. In fact, it seems the only way for Pittsburgh to draw attention to itself on a national scale is to have a mayor that is a sideshow attraction. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl landed himself on the front page of the New York Times and on the David Letterman Show simply because of the novelty of his youth. Before that, the last Pittsburgh mayor to appear with Mr. Letterman was Sophie Masloff, because she was an atypical, 70-something grandmother. There is nothing wrong with that. What difference does it make how we get the attention so long as we get it?
But Carbolic Smoke Ball doesn't think Pittsburgh has gone far enough in terms of choosing atypical mayors. It's time for this city to go all the way and elect Professor Emcee Square, also known as Mark Menold, as Mayor of Pittsburgh, and this news source hereby endorses him today. The Professor is the host of Saturday night's scary-movie fest "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV. With his corpse-like make-up and accent of indeterminate origin, the Professor would be the most atypical mayor in America and, we are quite certain, the most famous mayor in America. In short, the Professor would put Pittsburgh on the map in a way not even professional wrestler Jesse Ventura could do for Minnesota when he was elected its Governor.
Besides being supremely atypical, the Professor is among the finest television hosts in America. And he knows how to get things done, too. He helped organize the massive Zombie Walk last October that brought together 894 zombies at Monroeville Mall. Accordingly, our choice for mayor of Pittsburgh is obvious: Mark Menold, better known as Professor Emcee Square.
But Carbolic Smoke Ball doesn't think Pittsburgh has gone far enough in terms of choosing atypical mayors. It's time for this city to go all the way and elect Professor Emcee Square, also known as Mark Menold, as Mayor of Pittsburgh, and this news source hereby endorses him today. The Professor is the host of Saturday night's scary-movie fest "It's Alive" on WBGN-TV. With his corpse-like make-up and accent of indeterminate origin, the Professor would be the most atypical mayor in America and, we are quite certain, the most famous mayor in America. In short, the Professor would put Pittsburgh on the map in a way not even professional wrestler Jesse Ventura could do for Minnesota when he was elected its Governor.
Besides being supremely atypical, the Professor is among the finest television hosts in America. And he knows how to get things done, too. He helped organize the massive Zombie Walk last October that brought together 894 zombies at Monroeville Mall. Accordingly, our choice for mayor of Pittsburgh is obvious: Mark Menold, better known as Professor Emcee Square.
Colin McNickle reminds other patron at bar 'I'm the guy Teresa Heinz told to shove it’
Colin McNickle, editorial page editor of the Tribune-Review and the person Teresa Heinz told to ‘shove it’ during a confrontation at the 2004 Democratic Convention, reminded a patron at his neighborhood bar of the episode.
“Remember when Teresa Heinz, the wacky ketchup heiress and wife of John ‘Mr. Teresa Heinz’ Kerry, told a visiting journalist to ‘shove it’? Well, that was me,” McNickle told Wilmer Fitzgibbon, who was having a beer at the Korner Bar in Mt. Lebanon and minding his own business.
“I asked a simple question that dwelt on what she meant by her reference to certain traits being ‘un-American,’ and she turns around and storms into the room and tells me to ‘shove it,’” McNickle said. “Frankly, everyone was taken aback. I ended up on national television. Did you see it?”
Fitzgibbon said he hadn’t really watched much of the coverage of either political convention and is “more of an ESPN kind of guy,” when McNickle pressed on with his account.
“I also wrote about it in my paper, The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, which seems to be something of a lightning rod with its unflinching stance in favor of free markets, individual liberty and against the creeping hand of socialism,” McNickle said. “Many of those people, especially the boobs at The Toledo, Ohio, Block Bugler – that’s what I call the Post-Gazette, because they are owned by a firm in Toledo and it just cracks people up when I do that – would tend to favor, being leftovers from the New Deal. They probably think I should ‘shove it’ too.”
After Fitzgibbon, apparently in deep thought on the matter, showed no reaction, McNickle also noted that he had written several times about the ‘shove it’ incident and that, in his view, it has cast him into national prominence, though he is not one to seek attention, even though the wife of a presidential candidate told him to "shove it."
McNickle also noted that his editorial page runs a daily box at the bottom with a photograph of PNC Chairman James Rohr, telling him to return public subsidies the company received to build a new headquarters in Pittsburgh’s Downtown.
“This has caused an enormous uproar in the Pittsburgh business community,” McNickle said. “But they seem to be keeping very quiet about it, obviously hoping our unflinching stand against corporate welfare will not result in the inevitable reversal of PNC’s position. Rohr probably thinks I should ‘shove it,’ too,” McNickle said. “But that’s the kind of guy I am. No matter what the cost, or the viciousness of the attack, I’m not going to back down when I see the public purse being snatched or socialist liberals attempting to undermine the fabric of our society, whether they’re a corporate chairman with his paws in the cookie jar, or a wacky ketchup heiress who tells a simple, brave and stalwart member of the press to ‘shove it.’ You know, that’s what Teresa Heinz said to me and it ended up all over the national media.”
McNickle thanked his companion for an engaging conversation and said it had given him much to think about before leaving for home, where he planned to tell his wife about meeting yet another local citizen who’d heard about the time Teresa Heinz told him to shove it.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S ARM FALLS OFF
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. – As appeals continued in the dispute over the body of Anna Nicole Smith, Broward County Coroner Joshua Perper interrupted a courtroom proceeding with a report that the former Playboy model’s body continues to deteriorate. “One of her arms fell off today,” Dr. Perper told a packed courtroom over a speaker phone. “We were moving the gurney because it was blocking the coffee maker and there was this slight bump and her right arm fell off onto the floor. We put it back under the sheets and she should still be suitable for a viewing, but I would recommend you reach a conclusion as quickly as possible and that we rule out a sleeveless dress for the funeral.”
Attorneys for Howard K. Stern, Miss Smith’s longtime companion, and her estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, immediately filed for separate custody of the arm in the event their client loses the appeal over the body. Stern says Miss Smith had asked to be buried in the Bahamas, next to her son, Daniel. Arthur says her daughter should be buried in Texas, next to her arm.
Anna Nicole Buried In Bahamas, Tourists Flock to Visit Shrine
NASSAU, Bahamas - Anna Nicole Smith was laid to rest after a long legal battle over her remains, and Bahamian authorities reported three unverified healings by pilgrims who flocked to her resting place inside Our Lady of Leisure Church and Spa in this city.
"All the sores in my mouth are gone!" exulted Wanda Flooze, who came here from Kansas City with her companion. "I said a little prayer and I could feel the change."
Another visitor, who declined to give a name, credited the intervention of Miss Smith for the elimination of her flat, Chicago accent. "All the glottal stops are gone. American Idol, here I come! I'm absolutely convinced God is working through Anna Nicole to lift up the fallen," she cried before moving along to the Duty Free shop adjacent to the shrine.
Miss Smith's attorney and companion, Howard K. Stern, spent the morning greeting tourists and working the cash register in the gift shop alongside Virgie Arthur, Miss Smith's mother.
"All the sores in my mouth are gone!" exulted Wanda Flooze, who came here from Kansas City with her companion. "I said a little prayer and I could feel the change."
Another visitor, who declined to give a name, credited the intervention of Miss Smith for the elimination of her flat, Chicago accent. "All the glottal stops are gone. American Idol, here I come! I'm absolutely convinced God is working through Anna Nicole to lift up the fallen," she cried before moving along to the Duty Free shop adjacent to the shrine.
Miss Smith's attorney and companion, Howard K. Stern, spent the morning greeting tourists and working the cash register in the gift shop alongside Virgie Arthur, Miss Smith's mother.
RENDELL NOT INTERESTED IN VP SPOT
SAYS HE'S FOCUSING ALL HIS ATTENTION ON DETHRONING TAKERU KOBAYASHI AS CHAMP AT THIS YEAR'S CONEY ISLAND HOT DOG EATING CONTEST
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