RAVENSTAHL ADOPTS ANOTHER PEDUTO IDEA, ACCIDENTALLY WITHDRAWS FROM MAYORAL RACE
DICK SKRINJAR CALLS PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THE MAYOR HAS RECONSIDERED AND WILL RE-ENTER THE RACE
TONIGHT: MATT LAUER PROFILES EX-TEACHER DEBRA LAFAVE, PENS OWNER RON BURKLE
TOPIC: "WHEN AUTHORITY FIGURES SEDUCE BOYS WITH SEX AND PLANE RIDES TO NEW YORK"
PEDUTO EXPLAINS DECISION TO DROP OUT OF RACE
"Let me remind you that cowardice in the defense of liberty is no vice, and moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF POLITICAL PARTIES PLACES THE PITTSBURGH REPUBLICAN ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST; LIBERTARIANS GLAD TO BECOME RELEVANT BY DEFAULT
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Registry of Political Parties (NRPP) issued a report today declaring the elusive Pittsburgh Republican an endangered species. The study was commissioned by the Harding School of Government, with additional funding from the Hillman Foundation. Speaking to reporters on the steps of the William Howard Taft Fitness Center , Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman said he was troubled by the findings.
“It is imperative for the preservation of the party that we find a suitable pair of young Pittsburgh Republicans and get them together for breeding purposes,” said Mehlman. “I’m sure I can authorize the disbursement of funds from our national budget to get them a room at The Duquesne Club, and a few back issues of National Review to put them in the mood.”
Mr. Mehlman said keeping members of the same party and opposite sex in captivity is not uncommon. “The Whigs have been doing it for over a hundred and fifty-years. They were on the verge of extinction after the Harrison election, but they’re coming back. I think I saw one along the banks of the Potomac the other day.”
Mr. Mehlman’s observation has not been verified, because NRPP regulations specify that at least three independent sightings must be made before a member of a political party thought to be extinct can be considered alive. Those regulations went into effect after the so-called “Great Yippie Hoax of 1996.”
DON KING, POPE BENEDICT XVI MEET AT THE VATICAN
KING SAID TO BE NEGOTIATING FOR THE RIGHTS TO PROMOTE FUTURE BOUTS BETWEEN CHRISTIANITY AND ISLAM
ROETHLISBERGER SUES HIS PLASTIC SURGEONS FOR MEDICAL MALPRACTICE
After his motorcycle accident, Steelers' QB told doctors he wanted to look like Judge Rufus Peckham; got his old face back instead
PEDUTO, CITING A DESIRE TO AVOID SUBJECTING CITY RESIDENTS TO A NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN, OPTS NOT TO RUN FOR MAYOR
RAVENSTAHL CALLS PEDUTO’S DECISION “THE HEROIC ACT OF A SELFLESS LOSER”
INTERNET PICTURES OF RAVENSTAHL'S WILLY SURFACE
Pittsburgh, already reeling in the wake of Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's spring break bender to New York, is now buzzing about Internet pictures that surfaced showing the Mayor glassy-eyed and in varying states of undress.
The photos, which were first posted anonymously on the Web site Mayor Luke Gone Wyld, were then picked up by the widely read "Mayors Behaving Badly" blog.
Only time will tell whether these revelations violate the 1974 amendment to Pittsburgh's Elections Code, which prohibits candidates from doing anything that could reasonably detract from local media coverage of Steelers training camp. "We've got four months for this Internet thing to die down before camp opens," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "And frankly, there's nothing too memorable about those photos."
The photos, which were first posted anonymously on the Web site Mayor Luke Gone Wyld, were then picked up by the widely read "Mayors Behaving Badly" blog.
Only time will tell whether these revelations violate the 1974 amendment to Pittsburgh's Elections Code, which prohibits candidates from doing anything that could reasonably detract from local media coverage of Steelers training camp. "We've got four months for this Internet thing to die down before camp opens," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "And frankly, there's nothing too memorable about those photos."
LOCAL MAN USES WATERBOARDING ON SON TO FIND CULPRIT IN ROCK-THROWING INCIDENT
STYMIES CHILDREN AND YOUTH CASE WORKER WITH COPY OF ALBERTO GONZALES TORTURE MEMO
TV REVIEW: SEBAK DIVES 'UNDERGROUND PITTSBURGH'
Who knew there were so many interesting things "Underground Pittsburgh"? WQED writer/producer Rick Sebak begins his latest local special with his typical disclaimer -- "We've pretty much run out of interesting things above ground." He proceeds to apologize that he couldn't get to all things underground, "including the ancient city we found buried beneath the First Avenue garage, so sorry if we missed your favorite" -- but it's hard to fault this entertaining, educational program, which premiered Monday night. It airs again at noon Sunday, according to a note at WQED.org. At a brisk pace, Sebak breaks and enters into strangers' basements (only twice was he detained by police), sets off firecrackers in tunnels, has a sexual rendezvous in a mushroom farm with a girl who claims to be 18, and sabotages "the big, scary looking" machinery beneath the Dormont pool ("Well, this pool won't be fit for humans this summer," he smirks). And, as he always does, Sebak encounters some amusing characters along the way. It's an impressive skill to find these folks -- including a woman who reads a book while riding the "T" and declares, "I am tired today, I was up doing laundry until midnight" -- but I have an idea Sebak doesn't have to work too hard at it.
Then it's off to some talking-egghead to lend the show a dose of legitimacy. "I think there's a natural, primordial, instinctive tightening of the sphincters, so to speak," says Carnegie Museum of Natural History curator John Rawlins about the urge people have to hit the brakes when entering any of the tunnels around Pittsburgh. Sebak, at that point, has the camera move up and down, nodding in agreement, a technique he has never tried before (frankly, after the fifth time he does it, you're hoping he won't do it again).
One of the specialties of Sebak’s shows is making a Pittsburgh connection to someone famous. In this offering, he and his crew go underground and dig up the grave of Andy Warhol. “Not so hip now, are you?” Sebak muses as the camera pans Warhol’s skeleton. Then he jokes, “In fact, there’s his hip bone.”
And, what would a Pittsburgh special be without food? Sebak answers this query by treating us to a visit to a bug plantation owned by Noah Swayne of Mt. Troy. There, Sebak dines on a bowl of fresh cicadas. “They really stay crunchy in milk – even at the bottom of the bowl,” he says as he gobbles the last spoonful.
"Underground Pittsburgh" is an informative hour -- so much so that QED had to insert their entertaining pledge breaks just to give our brains a break -- that proves once again the dirt under one man's feet is another man's treasure trove of storytelling.
BARACK OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY THROWS HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON OFF THE EDMUND PETTIS BRIDGE
ILLINOIS SENATOR CLAIMS FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON PUT HIM UP TO IT
WEST PENN AAA TRAVEL STILL HAVING DIFFICULTY FILLING SPOTS FOR TEN-DAY TOUR OF IRAQ’S TRIANGLE OF DEATH
MARKETING DIRECTOR SEARCHING FOR AN EXPLANATION
BUSH SETS TERMS FOR TESTIMONY
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush held a rare news conference to address the growing controversy over the firing of eight U.S. Attorneys. Members of congress are eager to have Bush aids Carl Rove and Harriet Meyers testify under oath regarding their involvement. The White House is willing to allow their testimony but only under strict conditions. First, they can talk to senators, but not under any form of oath, including "pinky swear" and "cross-my-heart" type oaths. Second, any testimony must be in an undisclosed "level three" location. Level Three is defined by the Executive Branch as "Bat Cave, Fortress of Solitude, Playboy Mansion or equivalent." Third, any testimony must be under the terms of "Double Secret Probation" as defined in what President Bush refers to as "the celluloid yardstick by which all other films are measured," Animal House. And fourth, any testimony must be one on one, mano-a-mano, one senator, one witness, facing off in the Cone of Silence (pictured above). The White House says that these conditions are not negotiable.
PEDUTO DROPS BOMB
Pittsburgh City Councilman Bill Peduto today withdrew from the Democratic primary for mayor after revealing that he "really enjoys Sylvester Stallone movies." At a 3 p.m. press conference, Mr. Peduto said he quickly realized that "it is likely the citizens of Pittsburgh will never be able to trust my judgment again." He said it had become clear to him that, in contrast to Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's professed love of Cartoon Network's Ed, Edd & Eddy, his support for Stallone's artistic skills had torpedoed his campaign.
PEDUTO DROPS OUT OF MAYOR'S RACE, DENOUNCES PRESS IN BITTER "LAST PRESS CONFERENCE"
Breaking news: Minutes ago, Pittsburgh City Councilman Bill Peduto said he is dropping out of the race for Mayor of Pittsburgh. Peduto made the stunning announcement in the ballroom of the Beverly Hills Hilton in an angry, resentful speech that he called his "last press conference." As he left the hotel's ballroom after the announcement, Peduto kicked over a trash can and shoved a cameraman out of his way. Here is the transcript of Peduto's statement:"For 16 years, ever since the [Alger] Hiss case, you've had a lot of fun, a lot of fun. And you've had an opportunity to attack me and I think I've given as good as I've taken. As I leave you, I want you to know -- just think how much you're going to be missing. You don't have Peduto to kick around anymore. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference."
ANALYSIS: CARBOLIC POLL WAS DECIDING FACTOR IN PEDUTO'S DECISION TO DROP OUT
IT IS NOW A TWO-MAN RACE
Political analysts say that Councilman Bill Peduto's decision to drop out of the race for Mayor of the City of Pittsburgh was the direct result of the recent Carbolic Smoke Ball poll that showed Professor Emcee Square, host of WBGN's Saturday fright flick "It's Alive," emerging as the winner in a landslide, and Mayor Luke Ravenstahl garnering twice as many votes as Peduto. "It is now a two-man race," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "That ghoul on TV scared Peduto out of the race. I'd say we have our work cut out for us."
MAYOR'S PARENTS TAKE HIM TO WOODSHED FOR PLANE TRIP, LACK OF CANDOR
"LUKE, JUST BECAUSE EDDIE HASKELL OFFERED TO FLY YOU TO NEW YORK DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SKIP YOUR CHORES HERE IN PITTSBURGH. AND IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, THEN YOU LIED ABOUT IT. YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE DECIDED YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR ONE MONTH. YOU WILL GO TO WORK AT THE CITY-COUNTY BUILDING EVERY DAY AND THEN COME STRAIGHT HOME."
POLICE REPORT REVEALS WHAT LED TO JOEY PORTER, BENGALS PLAYER FIGHT AT BLACKJACK TABLE
Porter's defense: "He kept saying, 'Hit me,' so I did"
GEPPETTO HEARTBROKEN OVER MAYOR PINOCCHIO'S UNTRUTHS REGARDING HIS TRIP TO NYC WITH RON "JIMINY CRICKET" BURKLE
"I THOUGHT ALL THE PREVARICATING STOPPED WHEN THE BLUE FAIRY TURNED HIM INTO A REAL BOY," SAID MAYOR'S FATHER, "BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG."
LOCAL MAN INCENSED THAT THE VERNAL EQUINOX ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE
PITTSBURGH - Carlo Sambonia is livid that temperatures on the first day of spring only got into the low 40s. The popular outdoorsman, adventurer and local bon vivant is spearheading a petition drive to express his "extreme and palpable" displeasure. His goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures. "I think it's important for someone to take a stand on this," he said. Sambonia is concerned that the younger generation is not properly educated about what spring used to be. "I tell every young person I come across, 'You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days!'" Sambonia explained. "Back then, springtime would come roaring in as if somebody turned on a light switch and hit us like a wall of bliss."
Sambonia said it is his wish that high temperatures in early spring be in the low '60's.
SOAP OPERAS RACE TO ADD ‘GREEN’ ELEMENTS TO STORIES OF LUST AND BETRAYAL
LOS ANGELES – When star-crossed lovers Sami and Lucas marry again this fall on ‘Days of Our Lives,’ their romantic wedding will be green. Producers of the popular NBC soap opera have decided to add environmental issues to their story lines, so pesticide-free flowers and organic foods will be featured at the extravaganza. The bride and groom will also purchase carbon credits to offset the amount of carbon dioxide their guests create in order to travel to the wedding. "We need to address the current environmental crisis,” executive producer Keith Corder said. “We want to raise the viewers’ consciousness of environmental problems and solutions while still dishing out the dirt."
Producers at other daytime dramas have taken notice. At ‘Guiding Light,’ “Beth lied to Alan about being pregnant, and she slept with Rick to cover her tracks,” said one writer who asked not to be identified. “But she doesn’t get pregnant. Instead of having her wear a fake rubber belly made from petrochemicals, we’ll have her use an organic cotton wrap filled with feathers from free-range geese. She can just stuff more feathers in there as her ‘pregnancy’ progresses. That’s the kind of pro-environment information we want to convey to our viewers.” ‘Guiding Light’ producers are also considering adding a vegan character, who will be blackmailed when she is photographed chowing down on pork chops.
Not to be outdone, ABC executives are encouraging their shows to use natural, not chemical, poisons to put characters into comas; to use conflict-free diamonds in all marriage proposals; and to wear evening gowns made of hemp at all balls and parties.
Back at ‘Days of Our Lives,’ Ken Corder promises a beautiful wedding. “But given Sami and Lucas’ history, there may be a few twists,” he said. “I don’t want to give anything away, but somebody might be run over with a hybrid car and spoil their perfect day.”
DOLPHIN AWARDED NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS FOR RECONCILING ALL FORCES OF NATURE WITH HIS "THEORY OF EVERYTHING"
SAN DIEGO - Dr. Daniel Mendelbaum, the beloved dolphin who portrayed Flipper on the hit TV series of the same name during the 1960's, has been awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for formulating a workable Unified Field Theory that reconciles all of the fundamental forces of nature. Physicists have long regarded the Unified Field Theory, sometimes called "The Theory of Everything," as the holy grail of physics. Mendelbaum's route to the pinnacle of the scientific world has been anything but typical. After starring in the Flipper television series, he enlisted to serve in the Vietnam War but was quickly captured in a North Vietnamese tuna net. Mendelbaum saw several dolphin recruits die in the net, but he was spared and spent the next two years as a prisoner of war. "I still have nightmares about some of the unspeakable things I witnessed in the net," Mendelbaum said.
After the war, Mendelbaum worked for a time as an examiner in a Swiss patent office, where he formulated an early version of the "Theory of Everything." Unhappy with the benefits, he enrolled in the University of the Pacific and received his doctorate in record time. He married, and in short order divorced, Christie Brinkley, Elle Macpherson and Kathy Ireland. He and Ireland have two children, Zeb, 22 and Faith, 16.
Mendelbaum's life has not been without controversy. In the early 1980's, several prominent dolphins in the motion picture industry took out a full page ad in the New York Times accusing him of not doing enough for dolphin rights because, the ad asserted, "Mendelbaum wants to pretend he is human." The ad was triggered by Mendelbaum's decision to be circumcised to appease first wife Christie Brinkley, a practice hardly ever performed on dolphins. Herschel Bernardi, the voice of Charlie the Tuna, went so far as to label Mendelbaum a "self-loathing dolphin." Mendelbaum rejected the criticism, and claimed the medical procedure was "a totally free choice -- I liked the look of it."
In addition to his work in physics, Mendelbaum holds thirty-one patents, including the one for grape juice. "The royalties from that one pay the alimony, and then some," Mendelbaum quips.
MARIO LEMIEUX BUYS TURNPIKE
HAILED AS SAVIOR, LE MAGNIFIQUE IMMEDIATELY THREATENS TO MOVE ALL 359 MILES OF NATION'S FIRST SUPERHIGHWAY TO KANSAS CITY UNLESS STATE BUILDS HIM NEW ROAD
POST OFFICE UNVEILS 'FOREVER STAMP'
NAME DOES NOT REFER TO FACT IT CAN BE USED "FOREVER" WITHOUT PAYING MORE, BUT RATHER TO LENGTH OF TIME YOUR LETTER MIGHT BE LOST
EX-PORT AUTHORITY CEO SKOUTELAS: "TO HELP SAVE MASS TRANSIT IN THE COUNTY, I'LL TAKE MY MASSIVE PENSION IN BUS TRANSFERS -- ACTUALLY, I'M KIDD!ING"
"AN OBSCENELY LARGE PENSION IS MY REWARD FOR FEEDING AT THE PUBLIC TROUGH ALL THOSE YEARS," GUFFAWS SKOUTELAS. "AND JUST WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, ANYWAY?"
BUSH CALLS FOR PATIENCE IN IRAQ
WASHINGTON — President Bush marked the fourth anniversary of the start of the Iraq war today by asking the American people to show patience. "You see, I didn't know there was a problem [in Iraq]," the President explained in a brief White House speech. "Since we did that big 'Mission Accomplished' thing, everybody's been telling me things were just fine. You know, democracy, voting, purple fingers and all that. But now I'm told there's some sort of problem over there, and believe me, I'm going to look into it."
White House press secretary Tony Snow clarified the president's position to the stunned press corps. "The president isn't saying that he was not aware of problems in Iraq. What he's saying is that there may be some problems that perhaps escaped his omniscient and benevolent review of the action there . . . ." Snow trailed off, then mumbled, "I sound like the spokesman for Kim Jong Il." A staffer quickly reminded Snow that his mike was still on. Snow also denied that the president was only informed last week of deteriorating conditions in Iraq by a visiting 6th grader from Marshall Township, PA. "Absolutely not," said Snow, adding that the boy would verify this, after he is released by the CIA following his de-briefing.
White House press secretary Tony Snow clarified the president's position to the stunned press corps. "The president isn't saying that he was not aware of problems in Iraq. What he's saying is that there may be some problems that perhaps escaped his omniscient and benevolent review of the action there . . . ." Snow trailed off, then mumbled, "I sound like the spokesman for Kim Jong Il." A staffer quickly reminded Snow that his mike was still on. Snow also denied that the president was only informed last week of deteriorating conditions in Iraq by a visiting 6th grader from Marshall Township, PA. "Absolutely not," said Snow, adding that the boy would verify this, after he is released by the CIA following his de-briefing.
SANTORUM JOINS ECKERT SEAMANS LAW FIRM
ISLAMIC FASCISTS SHOPPING FOR LEGAL REPRESENTATION RULE OUT ECKERT DUE TO "CONFLICT OF INTEREST"
HOLLYWOOD EXHAUSTS COMIC BOOK HEROES FOR SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS, RESORTS TO FILM ABOUT BAZOOKA JOE
TEEN TEST GROUP SCREENS ROUGH CUT AND SAYS, "WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?"
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STUDY REVEALS MEXICAN WOMEN ADAPT TO ENGLISH FASTER THAN OTHERS
VIRTUALLY ALL CAN SAY "HOUSEKEEPING! OPEN UP!" WITHIN MINUTES OF ARRIVING IN U.S.
JOLIE TO ADOPT RAVENSTAHL
PITTSBURGH - Looking for yet another child from an exotic part of the world to join her family, actress Angelina Jolie has announced plans to adopt youthful Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl. Ravenstahl said has had no discussions with Jolie and does not intend to leave his post. However, before ruling out the possibility of having Jolie as his stepmother, Ravenstahl noted that he would like to know if "there will be any breast feeding involved."
PITT BASKETBALL FOUNDATION DONATES 19 POINT LEAD TO VCU
COACH VOWS TEAM WILL "CONTINUE TRADITION OF GIVING IN NEXT ROUND"
CLIFFORD IRVING DENOUNCES UPCOMING MOVIE “THE HOAX” AS A HOAX
NEW PALTZ, NY --- Clifford Irving, author of the fictitious The Autobiography of Howard Hughes, protested today that an upcoming movie about the hoax is a hoax. Irving set off a publishing frenzy 35 years ago when he announced his book, since Hughes had become a recluse many years before. Irving stole documents from Hughes’ personal aides and fabricated others to back up the book, but the plot fell apart when Hughes publicly denied ever meeting the author. Irving and several co-conspirators were later sent to prison.Time Magazine’s Con Artist of the Year for 1972 still defends the book, saying, “We created a lot of heroic acts for [Hughes] and made him into a semi-god. I still don’t see why he was upset with it.” As for the movie, Irving cited numerous inaccuracies in the script, saying, “They have no right to take artistic license with my life story.”
The movie's producers could not stop laughing long enough to respond to Mr. Irving’s complaints.
Irving also made a surprising claim at his news conference: that he is the father of James Frey, the author of the fictitious memoir A Million Little Pieces. “He’s a chip off the old block, that one,” Irving said, his eyes growing misty. “I hope we can work together on a story about our father-son relationship and the times we spent fishing and playing ball. I’m sure publishers would beat a path to our door to give us a book deal.” Later, Mr. Frey denied ever meeting Irving, and said no publisher is beating a path to his door.
Irving concedes he likes one thing about "The Hoax" --- the producers cast Richard Gere to play him in the movie. “They got that part 100 percent right,” he said.
LOWER BURRELL "ACCIDENTALLY" INVADES UPPER BURRELL
Not-so-quietly, as the sun began to nestle down for the night, easing itself from the sharp peaks into the gentle slopes of the Appalachian Mountains, a group of rowdy insurgents from Lower Burrell crossed the Allegheny River and accidentally invaded its neighboring municipality of Upper Burrell.The unit was commissioned by townspeople in Lower Burrell who had not yet finished celebrating St. Patrick’s day to “take a trip to Arnold,” after making the stark realization that all the beer had been depleted from every place in town. In the process, though, the “reconnaissance convoy,” as Milton Haggard, owner of The Ye Olde Inn Tavern Lounge and Cocktail Bar put it, took a wrong turn and landed in neighboring Upper Burrell.
However, some residents don’t think it was an accident.
“Those people in Lower Burrell have a sense of entitlement, and think they can just take whatever they want” said a resident who spoke to this publication on the condition of anonymity. “There is no doubt in my mind that this was a premeditated act meant to pillage our Pilsner,” he said.
According to the Norwin Star, which first broke the story, the small but well-equipped group of men and at least two women from Lower Burrell, located 18 miles outside of Pittsburgh and considered part of the Pittsburgh Metro Area, stormed its neighboring municipality some time around 7:30 p.m. Sunday, reportedly with two Chevy 4X4s, a Suburban with an extended cab and one Dodge Dakota -- so there’d be plenty of room to transport the beer.
According to one account by a member of the insurgents, "I'll be honest, we were drinking. OK? So instead of making it to Arnold, somehow we ended up in Upper Burrell, and we just went through with our plan, knocking on tavern doors in search of kegs ’n six packs ‘n at.”
Vernelle York, whose son Alvin refused to join the entourage that convened to stop the insurgents, citing Biblical passages about Caesar, summed up the unspoken feelings of many Upper Burrellians: “Funny, how the people on the bottom are always lookin’ down at the people on the top.”
Technically, Lower Burrell rests on the Appalachian Plateau, on the western portion of the Appalachian Mountain Range.
The Mayor of Upper Burrell bristled at the idea that any animosity existed and refused to speak to us, but a source close to the mayor said that hostility among the two towns has been smoldering ever since the land that was designated and named after one Judge Jeremiah Murry Burrell was divided into two separate townships in 1879.
A spokesperson for the Westmoreland County Historical Society, Barbara Gump, explained that Lower Burrell grew to become distinguished as a “third class city,” in the state of Pennsylvania, while Upper Burrell languished as “little more than a cow path.”
The dispute, said Gump, heated up again during a construction boom in the 1990s when Lower Burrell, believing it was better, wanted to trade names with Upper Burrell, but Upper Burrell officials refused, claiming that the cost of printing new letterhead would exceed the township’s budget.
A resident of Upper Burrell, who did not want to give his name, said he doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about. “If you watch the local news, clearly, you’ll see that Lower Burrell gets all the media coverage. Somebody is greasing the palms of the Westmoreland County Bureau reporters, and we just look the other way, let them have their 15 minutes every day, so to speak.”
Otis Smith, affectionately known as the “town drunk” in Lower Burrell, said he believes that no matter what the facts are, the civic discord needs to stop. “Both municipalities should be embarrassed,” he remarked, with a hiccup.
ANGELINA JOLIE TO ADOPT CHILD IN WEST VIRGINIA
MOUTH OF SENECA, W.Va. - Actress Angelina Jolie will visit Mouth of Seneca, W.V., to adopt an orphan child tomorrow, sources close to Jolie revealed. She will make the visit alone because West Virginia law prohibits adoptions by unmarried couples who are not first cousins.Jolie regularly visits underdeveloped areas as a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. Of her frequent visits to the Mountaineer state, she said, "I can't really talk about the situation without becoming emotional."
A source who asked not to be named revealed that after Jolie's last visit to the state, she went through a period of despair and became suicidal. But, the source noted, friends were able to convince her that "the NIT is better than no post-season tournament at all."
STUDY: ALLEGED DROP IN BUSINESS PRODUCTIVITY DURING MARCH MADNESS "A MYTH"
"THE PURPORTED DECLINE IS AN URBAN LEGEND," STUDY CONCLUDES. "THE FACT IS, WORKERS GOOF OFF YEAR ROUND."
CAROL BURNETT FILES $2 MILLION COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT SUIT AGAINST NANCY PELOSI
COMEDIAN CLAIMS HOUSE SPEAKER TAKES ON BURNETT'S BELOVED "CHARWOMAN" CHARACTER IN ALL HER PUBLIC APPEARANCES
CITY COMMISSIONS ASTRONOMER CARL SAGAN TO ANALYZE "MAJESTIC STAR" FINANCES, ALLEGATIONS THAT PITG GAMING IS BANKRUPTCY RISK
"If Don Barden is ever going to build his casino on the North Shore of Pittsburgh, he will need to prove, without a doubt, he has billions and billions of dollars."
DEMOCRATS ANNOUNCE SUPPORT FOR CHEECH MARIN TO REPLACE GONZALES AS ATTORNEY GENERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - As the drumbeat continues to crescendo for the resignation of U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Democratic leaders in the Senate have come forward with their choice to replace Gonzales.Former actor Cheech Marin said he is ready and willing to take over the post, if called by his country to do so.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NE) cited Marin's Hispanic heritage as an important reason for his support.
"How many famous Hispanic people can most Americans really name?" Reid reasoned. "We think Cheech will look similar enough in the office; I am certain that no one in the White House will notice the difference."
Marin, who starred in numerous "Cheech and Chong" movies that contained innumerable drug references, said he does not think his filmography would be a problem. Reid agreed. "Most Americans who saw those movies love him," he said. "Plus, the man was in Tin Cup, with Kevin Costner. Now that's leadership."
MEMORY EPIDEMIC SWEEPS CAPITAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Surgeon General Dr. Satcher, pictured here during a recent visit to Walter Reed Medical Center, will launch an emergency investigation of the memory loss epidemic that has swept the Justice Department and Executive Branch. "I've never seen anything like this," said Dr. Satcher. "In a very short time, everyone at the Justice Department has lost the ability to remember any details whatsoever about this federal attorney business. Even more troubling, the symptoms quickly spread to the White House. Dramatic, rapid memory loss of this type is a sure sign of neurological distress."
The Surgeon General's office has requested assistance from the CDC to determine if quarantine will be necessary to curb the epidemic. The agencies plan to jointly establish mobile testing facilities including CAT scan equipment at the Justice department on Monday to begin searching for the cause of the epidemic.
White House spokesman Tony Snow said he thought testing of staff was a good idea, "as long as polygraphs are not involved."
White House spokesman Tony Snow said he thought testing of staff was a good idea, "as long as polygraphs are not involved."
LEPRECHAUNS TO JOIN ALLIED COALITION
BLARNEY - An elite force of Leprechauns will join allied coalition troops in Iraq. They will replace Moldovan troops, both of whom are leaving this week. Even though the Leprechauns will constitute fewer than fifty troops, it is widely hoped that they will bring luck to a fighting force that has been anything but lucky. Pictured here is Leprechaun commander Seamus O'Finnigan after ordering troops to enjoy one last bender before deploying to the Middle East.
The Leprechauns are expected to deploy on March 17th and will immediately establish their Headquarters in Baghdad's Green Zone.
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