KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR “HEAVEN’S GATE,” “HOWARD THE DUCK,” "ISHTAR"

BUT 9-11 MASTERMIND SAYS HE PLAYED NO PART IN DEVELOPMENT OF “COP-ROCK”

NEW AT&T SERVICE CALLS TEENS' CELL PHONES EVERY THREE MINUTES TO CREATE ILLUSION THEY ARE POPULAR

NEW YORK - For just $45 per month, operators manning AT&T's new Virtual Talk Bud service call the cellphones of its teenage subscribers every three minutes and engage them in mindless conversation with the goal of creating the illusion that the subscribers have innumerable friends who never stop calling.

Seventeen year-old Felix Frankfurter explained the need the new service fills: "It's like, the worst feeling in the world, dude, when you're, like, on a date and nobody calls you." Sixteen year-old Ashley Rooney agrees. She dumped her boyfriend, 18-year old Lucius Q.C. Lamar, last month after a dinner at Pizza Hut during which no one called Lucius. Ashley explained: "Like, I couldn't stop thinking, 'what's wrong with him?'"

The Virtual Talk Bud operators are located in India, but they have been taught to converse in the inane lingo of American teenagers, with phrases such as, "What's up, dude?" And, "Hey, dude, want to check out my new video game later?"

Felix Frankfurter put the new service in perspective: "Ever since I signed on [with Virtual Talk Bud], dude, I'm no longer, like, some loser with nobody to talk to on my cell while I'm hanging with my buds at the mall."

JACK WILSON CRITICIZES SANCHEZ'S MILDLY SPRAINED COLLATERAL LIGAMENT

BRADENTON, Fla. - Freddie Sanchez received a second opinion today from an orthopedic surgeon, who concluded that Sanchez's medial collateral ligament is mildly sprained.

Pirates' shortstop Jack Wilson immediately had harsh words for Sanchez's medial collateral ligament.

"Sanchez's medial collateral ligament came to Florida out of shape and not ready to play baseball," Wilson told TV host Stan Savran. "That's the one body part that you need to work on all winter to get it in shape, and Sanchez just didn't do it." Savran asked Wilson where that ligament is located, and Wilson quickly changed the subject.

Wilson does a nightly television show with Savran where he picks a different person to criticize each night. In the past month, Wilson has criticized Jose Castillo, TV talk show host Larry King, Che Guevara, the U.S. Supreme Court, Ryan Seacrest, former defense secretary Robert McNamara, and attorney general Alberto Gonzales.

RECENT WARNING ABOUT ASIAN FOOD LEAVES PEOPLE, STOMACHS GROWLING

WASHINGTON -- The typical meal served in an Asian restaurant contains a tsunami of nutritional no-nos, a consumer group has warned.

A plate of Ho Chi Minh City Chicken, for example, is loaded with about 90% more sodium and more than three-quarters of the calories an average adult needs for an entire year.

"We have to sound the alarm about Asian food," said Dr. Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which prepared a report released last week. “Not that anyone will hear it over all of the munching and slurping that goes on in those places – not to mention the belching,” Lugosi-Swayne lamented.

The report was greeted with disbelief by diners packing the popular Chairman Mao’s restaurant here in DC.

“Just who are these do-gooders?” shouted Bradleys Roadhouse over the din as he gobbled down a plate of Tojo’s Imperial Steak With Bacon. “What? They’re not happy unless they’re scaring us about something!”

Calorie-laden Asian restaurant food can lead to heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes or worse, the report contended.

Roadhouse’s companion, a stylish, younger man who would not provide his name, was unpersuaded. “This food loaded with calories? Why is it, then, that every time I eat here I have to stop for a couple of hamburger and a milkshake on the way home?”

BREAKING NEWS: SINKHOLE THREATENS TO CONSUME THE POST-GAZETTE

BOB SMIZIK, HIS COMPUTER SWALLOWED INTO CHASM

PITTSBURGH - Water leaking from a 36-inch water main caused an area of the Boulevard of the Allies to sink at the intersection with Commonwealth Place and the inbound ramp from the Fort Pitt Bridge.

The sinkhole rapidly expanded throughout the day and by 4 p.m.,the north end of the Post-Gazette building at 34 Boulevard of the Allies had collapsed into the hole.

Popular sports columnist Bob Smizik was busy preparing a rare non-sports column titled "The sinkhole is exactly what Pittsburgh needs" when he and his desk were swallowed into the chasm without warning. Witnesses walking on the other side of the Boulevard of the Allies say that a sound akin to a "violent burp" erupted from the hole, "as if the earth suddenly had heartburn."

Judge Rufus Peckham, founder and editor of this news source, issued a statement extending his condolences to the Post-Gazette and to Mr. Smizik's family and readers. Judge Peckham added that in the event the Post-Gazette is entirely swallowed up by the sinkhole, the Carbolic Smoke Ball would continue to offer the people of Western Pennsylvania a viable news alternative.

More details in tomorrow's Carbolic Smoke Ball.

RAVENSTAHL REPORTS ON FACT-FINDING MISSION TO NEW YORK

Confirms Bronx Up, Battery Down; Rendell aide still missing

NEW YORK -- Declaring it "a heckuva town," Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said his impromptu visit to this city was a morale-booster for a local population still reeling from 9/11, a struggling economy, and the Donald Trump-Rosie O'Donnell feud.

"Pittsburghers have always been a caring people," the 27-year-old mayor said. "It was time somebody stopped by just to tell them, 'Hi, I'm from a city where they don't pee in stairwells. How are you doing?'"

New Yorkers responded with typical warmth, telling the young mayor to enjoy their outdoor amenities, such as taking a hike, and to enjoy various parts of his anatomy.

The Mayor said he was especially impressed with how random New Yorkers expressed concern about whether he had enough money for his visit to one of the nation's most expensive towns.

"They kept coming up to me and asking if I had any spare change. I told them, yes, thanks, I was just fine in that department. But just imagine how comforting this must be to visitors from places like Erie or Fayette County."

"At heart, these are truly caring people," Mayor Ravenstahl said. "They seemed concerned about my well-being. At almost every corner, total strangers were walking up and asking me if I was looking for a date. I had to explain that I was married, but that my wife wasn't with me on this trip. The Rendell guy who came along with me was so impressed, he got a few of their phone numbers and said he was going to pass them on to the governor. Probably they're putting together some kind of commission to study single lifestyles in Pennsylvania."

After a nighttime visit to the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty and Carnegie Hall, the mayor settled in for the night. An avid outdoorsman, he said he was delighted to discover a hard-core camping community in this city, and eagerly joined in the inner-city sleep-out.

"I was surprised to discover that there's no Motel 6 here," the mayor explained. "I mean, here it is, the country's biggest city and, really, you can't find a motel or a drive-in theater anywhere in town." Not to be discouraged, they mayor joined two of his newest friends, Harpo and Radio Man, in a rustic, natural setting in an alleyway behind the Ed Sullivan Theater.

"It was really cool -- we lit a little fire and spread out our kits, and this Harpo guy even had what looked like a genuine Indian peace pipe. I must have really been tired, because I took one puff and the whole place seemed to just swirl around me." After awakening, the mayor was disappointed to discover that he'd somehow misplaced his wallet, cell phone, watch, rings, several gold fillings from his teeth and, in what must have been one of the odder mishaps in urban camping, his pants.

"Well, I was in such a hurry to get there, I probably left that stuff on the plane," Mayor Ravenstahl said. "But I think Pittsburgh scored some important public relations points with the people of this town and I'm definitely going to come back sometime soon. I probably won't even need any spare change."

CASTRO 'FULLY RECOVERED,' RESUMES WORLD TOUR WITH DANCING BEAR

FIDEL DAZZLES PREVIEW AUDIENCE WITH FIVE NEW SONGS, SHOWSTOPPING DANCE ROUTINE

WRAP-UP ON DON KING'S VATICAN TRIP

• DON KING, POPE BENEDICT VI MEET AT VATICAN, KING CALLS LATEST PAPAL ENCYCLICAL “STUPENDOUS, SPLENDIFEROUS, AND SPECTACULUROUS!”
• KING INQUIRES ABOUT POPE’S INTERIOR DECORATOR, POPE ASKS KING FOR THE NAME OF HIS BARBER
• DON KING PRODUCTIONS TO RELEASE EXCLUSIVE FILM OF “THE SOUL SUMMIT ” ON PAY-PER-VIEW
• KING EXPECTED TO ASSUME EXCLUSIVE REPRESENTATION OF THE VICAR OF CHRIST ON EARTH
• POPE, PATRIARCH OF CONSTANTINOPLE SIGN FOR CHRISTIAN UNIFICATION BOUT TO BE HELD IN LAS VEGAS THIS SEPTEMBER

NOAH SWAYNE'S LONG-AWAITED AUTOBIOGRAPHY CHRONICLES LIFE OF SELF-PROCLAIMED BORN LOSER

ON SALE NOW: "JUST MY LUCK: THE MAN WHO MISSED OUT ON PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING"

KATE AND LEO REUNITE FOR FIRST TIME SINCE "TITANIC," PRODUCERS DEVISE WAY FOR LEO TO RETURN FROM ICY DEATH IN ATLANTIC

HOLLYWOOD - Leonard DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, who played ill-starred lovers in the 1997 smash "Titanic," are reuniting for "Revolutionary Road," a drama about post-war disillusionment, Hollywood trade paper Daily Variety reported on Friday.

The producers faced one big hurdle -- explaining how Leo, frozen to death in the icy waters of the North Atlantic at the conclusion of "Titanic," could come back to life.

"That was simple," said Winslet's husband, director Sam Menedes. "Leo's body floats up a stream to the waters of the Carpathian Mountains; Kate follows him in her row boat, working furiously against gravity, but then somehow she bumps her head. The blood seeps into the ice, right into Leo's lips. Leo sucks the blood and comes back to life. Well, see, turns out Leo's a vampire."

The producers are hoping the film appeals to the same discerning young female audience that made "Titanic" a blockbuster.

FOOD POLICE RENEW ATTACK ON CHINESE FOOD

Takeout orders surge 15% on day report is released

WASHINGTON, DC – The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI), which made headlines 15 years ago when it listed high levels of fat and sodium in popular Chinese food dishes, has released an updated report that finds nothing has changed. “Sodium, fat and calories remain unconscionably high,” CSPI nutrition director Bonnie Liebman said. “When is America going to wake up?”

Local restaurant owner Bradleys Roadhouse laughed at the question. “America doesn’t want to wake up,” he said. “When I heard about their new report, my first thought was, ‘I could go for some kung pao chicken right now.’” Apparently many other people had the same thought, as Chinese restaurants nationwide reported a surge in business last Wednesday.

Roadhouse, who dismissively calls CSPI “the food police,” continued ranting. “I have news for them: fat tastes good. Salt really wakes up flavors. I know those do-gooders also criticized Italian food and movie popcorn, but you didn’t see anyone cutting back on those, either.”

“Really, wouldn’t you rather come to my restaurant and have a nice, juicy steak and an overstuffed potato? Their idea of a good time is probably trying seven different kinds of hummus. I’d rather risk having a heart attack than eat that way.”

Ms. Liebman admits CSPI faces an uphill battle trying to change the nation’s eating habits. “It’s discouraging when no one listens to us, and sometimes I feel like I should go have a few drinks. But then I remember the empty calories and lack of nutrients in alcohol, and I pop open a can of soy milk instead.”

Said Roadhouse in response: “I rest my case.”

GORE CLEARS THREE ROWS OF SEATS BEHIND HIM AT GLOBAL WARMING HEARINGS WITH REPEATED METHANE GAS EMISSIONS

REPUBLICANS ACCUSE FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT OF POISONING THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE CHAMBER

HILLARY CLINTON APPEARANCE AT CIVIL RIGHTS MEMORIAL SERVICE IN SELMA MARRED BY ATTEMPT AT HUMOR

FORMER FIRST LADY’S RECREATION OF MOMS MABLEY ROUTINE GREETED WITH SILENCE, JEERS

IRAN RELEASES BRITISH SAILORS AFTER FIVE MINUTES

ARABS SAY THEY 'COULDN'T STOMACH' THE SNOOTINESS OR THE 'DRY,' BUT UNFUNNY 'HUMOR'

STEELERS NATION IN UPROAR OVER BIG BEN'S "IT'S OK TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE BAD YEAR" REMARK

Fans demand to know how many bad seasons he's planning and when they will occur

HILLARY CLINTON SEEKS TO STOP INCREASE IN EDWARDS POLL NUMBERS FOLLOWING REVELATION OF HIS WIFE’S DISEASE

WILL HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE TOMORROW TO ANNOUNCE THAT HER HUSBAND HAS CANCER OF THE PENIS

MONTALBAN PRAISES GONZALES

HOLLYWOOD - Legendary actor Ricardo Montalban released a statement praising embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "I have nothing but praise for Alberto Gonzales," Montalban said. "Alberto and I worked closely together early in his career and he always acted in accordance with the highest standards of his profession." Reached by phone Montalban added, "Of course, the only problems we had with detainees on "Fantasy Island" was getting them to leave." Montalban admitted his surprise that Gonzales had advanced to become Attorney General. "But then again, I can see where a degree from the Fantasy Island Law School would prepare him for the work he's doing at the Justice Department.

Peduto jilts Pittsburgh's left wing on the runway

"YOU'RE GETTING ON THAT PLANE WITH LUKE RAVENSTAHL"

POST-GAZETTE'S TOM WASELESKI CONFRONTS PEDUTO, GIVES HIM 'KISS OF DEATH'

"YOU BROKE MY HEART, PEDUTO. YOU BROKE MY HEART."

NEXT FRIDAY: YOU WILL HEAR THE VOICE OF OUR FOUNDER, JUDGE RUFUS PECKHAM, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

. . . ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY

SATURDAY MARCH 31 AT 10 PM: MAYOR RAVENSTAHL VS. PROF. EMCEE SQUARE ON WBGN TV

IDENTITY OF MYSTERIOUS 'FRIEND OF KEVIN'S HOUSE' REVEALED

PITTSBURGH - Mystery solved. The identity of the elusive "friend of Kevin's house" referenced by Mayor Ravenstahl in a statement to Post-Gazette reporter Rich Lord last week was revealed this afternoon.

Mr. Lord had asked the mayor where he stayed in New York on the evening of March 14 following his now infamous plane ride with Ron Burkle, principal owner of the Penguins, hours after city, state, and Allegheny County officials announced an arena deal with the team. "We stayed at a friend of Kevin's house that evening," the mayor said of his sleep-over.

The mayor refused to provide any further information about the identity of the "friend of Kevin's house" until this afternoon when Dick Skrinjar announced that the friend of Kevin's house is actually Douglas Shed, a freestanding shed that sits on private property next to Kevin's house. The shed and the house are pictured above. Mr. Skrinjar explained: "The shed and the house are, to my knowledge, best friends. On March 14, the mayor stayed in the shed."

BILL PEDUTO, NANCY PELOSI AND ONAN START 'SOCIETY FOR EARLY WITHDRAWAL'

"I DON'T GET IT"

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL AGREES TO DEBATE PROFESSOR EMCEE SQUARE ON MARCH 31 AT 10 PM ON WBGN TV

IT'S NOW A TWO-MAN RACE FOR MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH: RAVENSTAHL VERSUS EMCEE SQUARE

RAVENSTAHL ADOPTS ANOTHER PEDUTO IDEA, ACCIDENTALLY WITHDRAWS FROM MAYORAL RACE

DICK SKRINJAR CALLS PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THE MAYOR HAS RECONSIDERED AND WILL RE-ENTER THE RACE

TONIGHT: MATT LAUER PROFILES EX-TEACHER DEBRA LAFAVE, PENS OWNER RON BURKLE

TOPIC: "WHEN AUTHORITY FIGURES SEDUCE BOYS WITH SEX AND PLANE RIDES TO NEW YORK"

PEDUTO EXPLAINS DECISION TO DROP OUT OF RACE

"Let me remind you that cowardice in the defense of liberty is no vice, and moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."

POST-GAZETTE EDITORIAL BOARD REVEALS IT WAS "ALL SET" TO ENDORSE PEDUTO

LOCAL NEWS DIRECTORS PRAISE PEDUTO DECISION; SAY CAMPAIGN BASED ON ISSUES, RATHER THAN NEGATIVE ADS, WOULD HAVE BEEN “UNBELIEVABLY BORING”

NATIONAL REGISTRY OF POLITICAL PARTIES PLACES THE PITTSBURGH REPUBLICAN ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST; LIBERTARIANS GLAD TO BECOME RELEVANT BY DEFAULT

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Registry of Political Parties (NRPP) issued a report today declaring the elusive Pittsburgh Republican an endangered species. The study was commissioned by the Harding School of Government, with additional funding from the Hillman Foundation.

Speaking to reporters on the steps of the William Howard Taft Fitness Center , Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman said he was troubled by the findings.

“It is imperative for the preservation of the party that we find a suitable pair of young Pittsburgh Republicans and get them together for breeding purposes,” said Mehlman. “I’m sure I can authorize the disbursement of funds from our national budget to get them a room at The Duquesne Club, and a few back issues of National Review to put them in the mood.”

Mr. Mehlman said keeping members of the same party and opposite sex in captivity is not uncommon. “The Whigs have been doing it for over a hundred and fifty-years. They were on the verge of extinction after the Harrison election, but they’re coming back. I think I saw one along the banks of the Potomac the other day.”

Mr. Mehlman’s observation has not been verified, because NRPP regulations specify that at least three independent sightings must be made before a member of a political party thought to be extinct can be considered alive. Those regulations went into effect after the so-called “Great Yippie Hoax of 1996.”

GORE TESTIMONY ON GLOBAL WARMING INTERRUPTED WHEN PIECE OF POLAR ICE-CAP CRASHES THROUGH CAPITOL DOME; CHAIRMAN DECLARES TEN-MINUTE RECESS

DON KING, POPE BENEDICT XVI MEET AT THE VATICAN, POPE CITES KING’S HAIR AS “INCONTROVERTIBLE EVIDENCE OF GOD’S HAND IN THE CREATION OF THE UNIVERSE”

DON KING, POPE BENEDICT XVI MEET AT THE VATICAN

KING SAID TO BE NEGOTIATING FOR THE RIGHTS TO PROMOTE FUTURE BOUTS BETWEEN CHRISTIANITY AND ISLAM

ROETHLISBERGER SUES HIS PLASTIC SURGEONS FOR MEDICAL MALPRACTICE

After his motorcycle accident, Steelers' QB told doctors he wanted to look like Judge Rufus Peckham; got his old face back instead

PEDUTO, CITING A DESIRE TO AVOID SUBJECTING CITY RESIDENTS TO A NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN, OPTS NOT TO RUN FOR MAYOR

RAVENSTAHL CALLS PEDUTO’S DECISION “THE HEROIC ACT OF A SELFLESS LOSER”

DEFENSE ATTORNEY SAYS KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED THINKS HE’S STANLEY KOWALSKI; UNDERSHIRT-WEARING BRUTE WALKS AROUND ALL NIGHT YELLING “OSAMA!”

INTERNET PICTURES OF RAVENSTAHL'S WILLY SURFACE

Pittsburgh, already reeling in the wake of Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's spring break bender to New York, is now buzzing about Internet pictures that surfaced showing the Mayor glassy-eyed and in varying states of undress.

The photos, which were first posted anonymously on the Web site Mayor Luke Gone Wyld, were then picked up by the widely read "Mayors Behaving Badly" blog.

Only time will tell whether these revelations violate the 1974 amendment to Pittsburgh's Elections Code, which prohibits candidates from doing anything that could reasonably detract from local media coverage of Steelers training camp. "We've got four months for this Internet thing to die down before camp opens," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "And frankly, there's nothing too memorable about those photos."

LOCAL MAN USES WATERBOARDING ON SON TO FIND CULPRIT IN ROCK-THROWING INCIDENT

STYMIES CHILDREN AND YOUTH CASE WORKER WITH COPY OF ALBERTO GONZALES TORTURE MEMO

TV REVIEW: SEBAK DIVES 'UNDERGROUND PITTSBURGH'

Who knew there were so many interesting things "Underground Pittsburgh"? WQED writer/producer Rick Sebak begins his latest local special with his typical disclaimer -- "We've pretty much run out of interesting things above ground." He proceeds to apologize that he couldn't get to all things underground, "including the ancient city we found buried beneath the First Avenue garage, so sorry if we missed your favorite" -- but it's hard to fault this entertaining, educational program, which premiered Monday night. It airs again at noon Sunday, according to a note at WQED.org.

At a brisk pace, Sebak breaks and enters into strangers' basements (only twice was he detained by police), sets off firecrackers in tunnels, has a sexual rendezvous in a mushroom farm with a girl who claims to be 18, and sabotages "the big, scary looking" machinery beneath the Dormont pool ("Well, this pool won't be fit for humans this summer," he smirks). And, as he always does, Sebak encounters some amusing characters along the way. It's an impressive skill to find these folks -- including a woman who reads a book while riding the "T" and declares, "I am tired today, I was up doing laundry until midnight" -- but I have an idea Sebak doesn't have to work too hard at it.

Then it's off to some talking-egghead to lend the show a dose of legitimacy. "I think there's a natural, primordial, instinctive tightening of the sphincters, so to speak," says Carnegie Museum of Natural History curator John Rawlins about the urge people have to hit the brakes when entering any of the tunnels around Pittsburgh. Sebak, at that point, has the camera move up and down, nodding in agreement, a technique he has never tried before (frankly, after the fifth time he does it, you're hoping he won't do it again).

One of the specialties of Sebak’s shows is making a Pittsburgh connection to someone famous. In this offering, he and his crew go underground and dig up the grave of Andy Warhol. “Not so hip now, are you?” Sebak muses as the camera pans Warhol’s skeleton. Then he jokes, “In fact, there’s his hip bone.”

And, what would a Pittsburgh special be without food? Sebak answers this query by treating us to a visit to a bug plantation owned by Noah Swayne of Mt. Troy. There, Sebak dines on a bowl of fresh cicadas. “They really stay crunchy in milk – even at the bottom of the bowl,” he says as he gobbles the last spoonful.

"Underground Pittsburgh" is an informative hour -- so much so that QED had to insert their entertaining pledge breaks just to give our brains a break -- that proves once again the dirt under one man's feet is another man's treasure trove of storytelling.

ANGELINA JOLIE ADOPTS THREE YEAR OLD VIETNAMESE BOY, RECEIVES BLISTERING CRITICISM FROM INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY AFTER NAMING HIM “RAMBO”

BARACK OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY THROWS HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON OFF THE EDMUND PETTIS BRIDGE

ILLINOIS SENATOR CLAIMS FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON PUT HIM UP TO IT

WEST PENN AAA TRAVEL STILL HAVING DIFFICULTY FILLING SPOTS FOR TEN-DAY TOUR OF IRAQ’S TRIANGLE OF DEATH

MARKETING DIRECTOR SEARCHING FOR AN EXPLANATION

BUSH SETS TERMS FOR TESTIMONY

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush held a rare news conference to address the growing controversy over the firing of eight U.S. Attorneys. Members of congress are eager to have Bush aids Carl Rove and Harriet Meyers testify under oath regarding their involvement. The White House is willing to allow their testimony but only under strict conditions.

First, they can talk to senators, but not under any form of oath, including "pinky swear" and "cross-my-heart" type oaths. Second, any testimony must be in an undisclosed "level three" location. Level Three is defined by the Executive Branch as "Bat Cave, Fortress of Solitude, Playboy Mansion or equivalent." Third, any testimony must be under the terms of "Double Secret Probation" as defined in what President Bush refers to as "the celluloid yardstick by which all other films are measured," Animal House. And fourth, any testimony must be one on one, mano-a-mano, one senator, one witness, facing off in the Cone of Silence (pictured above). The White House says that these conditions are not negotiable.

PEDUTO DROPS BOMB

Pittsburgh City Councilman Bill Peduto today withdrew from the Democratic primary for mayor after revealing that he "really enjoys Sylvester Stallone movies." At a 3 p.m. press conference, Mr. Peduto said he quickly realized that "it is likely the citizens of Pittsburgh will never be able to trust my judgment again." He said it had become clear to him that, in contrast to Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's professed love of Cartoon Network's Ed, Edd & Eddy, his support for Stallone's artistic skills had torpedoed his campaign.

PEDUTO: "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ELECTED, TOO, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT MEDDLING KID"

PEDUTO DROPS OUT OF MAYOR'S RACE, DENOUNCES PRESS IN BITTER "LAST PRESS CONFERENCE"

Breaking news: Minutes ago, Pittsburgh City Councilman Bill Peduto said he is dropping out of the race for Mayor of Pittsburgh. Peduto made the stunning announcement in the ballroom of the Beverly Hills Hilton in an angry, resentful speech that he called his "last press conference." As he left the hotel's ballroom after the announcement, Peduto kicked over a trash can and shoved a cameraman out of his way. Here is the transcript of Peduto's statement:

"For 16 years, ever since the [Alger] Hiss case, you've had a lot of fun, a lot of fun. And you've had an opportunity to attack me and I think I've given as good as I've taken. As I leave you, I want you to know -- just think how much you're going to be missing. You don't have Peduto to kick around anymore. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference."

ANALYSIS: CARBOLIC POLL WAS DECIDING FACTOR IN PEDUTO'S DECISION TO DROP OUT

IT IS NOW A TWO-MAN RACE

Political analysts say that Councilman Bill Peduto's decision to drop out of the race for Mayor of the City of Pittsburgh was the direct result of the recent Carbolic Smoke Ball poll that showed Professor Emcee Square, host of WBGN's Saturday fright flick "It's Alive," emerging as the winner in a landslide, and Mayor Luke Ravenstahl garnering twice as many votes as Peduto. "It is now a two-man race," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "That ghoul on TV scared Peduto out of the race. I'd say we have our work cut out for us."

MAYOR'S PARENTS TAKE HIM TO WOODSHED FOR PLANE TRIP, LACK OF CANDOR

"LUKE, JUST BECAUSE EDDIE HASKELL OFFERED TO FLY YOU TO NEW YORK DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SKIP YOUR CHORES HERE IN PITTSBURGH. AND IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, THEN YOU LIED ABOUT IT. YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE DECIDED YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR ONE MONTH. YOU WILL GO TO WORK AT THE CITY-COUNTY BUILDING EVERY DAY AND THEN COME STRAIGHT HOME."

POLICE REPORT REVEALS WHAT LED TO JOEY PORTER, BENGALS PLAYER FIGHT AT BLACKJACK TABLE

Porter's defense: "He kept saying, 'Hit me,' so I did"