LUNCH WITH ... THE LUNCH LADY

by Fanny Fuller Malarkey, Special to the Carbolic Smoke Ball

SPOKESWOMAN FOR LUNCH LADIES LOCAL 57 TELLS KIDS TO EXPECT 'ALL KINDS OF CULINARY SURPRISES THIS YEAR'


UNION REP SAYS CAFETERIA HAS BEEN COOKING UP NEW MENU ITEMS ALL SUMMER

PITTSBURGH -- Ida Orebaum arrives just on time for our exclusive interview, and won't say a word to me until it's noon on the nose.

A disciplined woman who graduated from the Canadian School of Cafeteria Arts, she knows it's a major breach of lunch lady protocol to 'open up' even one second sooner than scheduled.

Dressed in her starched uniform blues, sporting a hairnet and neatly trimmed mustache, it's easy to mistake her for the crazy lady who lives on your block. But once you catch glimpse of that tell-tale gravy stain on her white apron, you know: this woman is a lunch lady.

But don't call her that, please.

"We prefer to be referred to by our professional name, Institutional Chefs, thank you very much."

According to Orebaum, who represents hundreds of thousands of 'Institutional Chefs' across the United States and parts of the Virgin Islands, school children should be pleasantly surprised with the offerings they've spent all summer concocting at their annual convention, which was going to be held in Pittsburgh, but moved to Cleveland over concerns that the David Lawrence structure would be unable to support the weight of the collective group.

"A typical chef might want to put more 'sloppy' in the 'sloppy Joe,' but we think outside the lunchbox," she says, laughing at her joke and frankly, scaring me a bit. "What we did was put more 'Joe' in the 'sloppy,'" which frightened me even more, so I didn't press the question.

"We even figured out a way to make one of our most popular and healthy dishes, the 'Walking Taco' -- a bag of Doritos with ground beef ladled on and topped with cheese -- actually walk. I can't tell you how we did it, because then I'd have to kill you," Orebaum cackles.

I adjust my seat and move back just a bit.

Orebaum explains that they even came up with "movie-themed" entrees, and believe they'll have their own blockbuster with "Silence of the Lambs," which is a roasted leg of lamb rubbed in a special blend of herbs and served with mint jelly. "The moths, are of course, optional," she adds.

This signature dish inspired a host of other Pittsburgh-filmed, movie-theme dishes, including, "The Mothman Prophecies," which Orebaum says is self-explanatory, and "The Dominick and Eugene," which is a "clever recycling of what we might otherwise toss as garbage," says Orebaum.

Orebaum explains that the dishes will be used all over the country (and parts of the Virgin Islands), which will help promote the city in a unique way.

It's 12:30 and Orebaum reminds me that our lunch is over and I had better empty my tray and take it back to the dishroom.

Texas Executes 400th Inmate, Celebrates with Cake, Balloon Drop

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- State corrections officials yesterday put a record 400th person to death in the state's execution chamber, a record that surpasses South Africa's 30-year record and puts the Lone Star State on track to top China's record.

Johnny Ray Conner, 32, who was convicted of shooting a convenience store owner in Houston in 1998, was put to death by lethal injection in the state's execution chamber here.

The event was preceded by the cutting of a large sheet cake with the number "400" spelled out in icing, and a speech by Gov. Rick Perry, who said the event "underscores Texans can-do attitude."
Conner, who was strapped to a gurney with one arm extended and a catheter running into his veins said he was "just proud to be part of this big day for the state I love. Oh, yes, and I'd like to say goodbye to my wife and kids." Moments after a prison doctor announced Conner dead a band broke in with "Yellow Rose of Texas" amid a balloon drop and cheering from witnesses and corrections officials."

At this rate, I think we're on track to surpass China and maybe even the Soviets," said Gov. Perry, who deflected allegations in last month's Prison World Monthly that accused prison officials here and attempting to tweak the record by including injections of steroids along with the sodium thiopental, potassium nitrate and heavy barbiturates.

Other states, notably Louisiana and Florida have accused Texas of "juicing" the prisoners and insist they will be able to overtake the 400 mark once state legislators there pass laws rescinding most forms of conviction appeals. Additionally, Florida also predicted it will have an available crop of executable inmates since its legislature passed a bill adding music downloading to its list of capital offenses.Despite the criticism, officials here said the execution record sets a new standard for the prison industry.

"This isn't just a man we're executing here," Gov. Perry said. "It's a whole mindset. There was a time Texas didn't even have an effective death penalty and now we're well on track to killing one out of every 150 of our citizens."

The governor said Mr. Conner's remains will be dipped in bronze and set up outside the prison yard as part of a display commemorating the new record.

"I think an awful lot of the credit goes to Mr. Conner, who, frankly, made so much of this possible," Gov. Perry said. "But this sort of thing requires a full team and I want to also recognize Mr. Conner's public defender who slept through much of the trial as well as the prosecutors who made the call that this man could be found guilty and put to death. Truly, this is a day for all Texans to step up and take some of the credit."

ALLEGHENY COUNTY MORGUE UNVEILS ITS NEW MASCOT: STIFFY McDEAD

Plans for Mayview mascot, Loony McCrazy, cancelled with closure of hospital.

ROETHLISBERGER SAYS HE FAKED APPENDICITIS BEFORE START OF 2006 SEASON

"I was still sore from the motorcycle accident and I didn't feel like playing those first few games, so I faked abdominal pain and had the surgery. Man, did I do a nice job of acting," Steelers QB now says. "My alias in the hospital was Tex Goldstein, which I believe the Steelers had used before for appendectomies."

PRISON-BOUND VICK BRAGS TO REPORTERS: “I’M GOING TO RUN A COCKROACH FIGHTING RING”

Atlanta -- A defiant Michael Vick, expected to reach a plea with Federal prosecutors Monday on charges he ran a dog-fighting ring, met with reporters this morning to discuss his future.

“In the long term, I want to get back to doing what I do best, and that’s playing football,” said Vick. “But in the short term, I want to do what I do second best, and that is training animals to fight for sport. I realize the Judge assigned to my case will probably sentence me to an extended time in prison, and I hope to make the most of that opportunity. I plan on using my time behind bars to run a cockroach fighting ring.”

Vick said he hoped to use the profits from the roach fighting ring to educate youth on the evils of dog-fighting. “I realize now that using man’s best friend to fight to the death solely for the sadistic pleasure and personal profit of a sordid few is not only criminal, but morally bankrupt. That’s why I will donate all of the cigarettes won through wagers on my roach fights to America ’s teenagers.”

Roach-fighting is a highly profitable enterprise that exists as a “subculture” in certain elements of society, most notably in tenement slums and correctional facilities.

Vick said easy access to roaches in his soon-to-be temporary home made the decision to run a roach-fighting ring easy. “Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.”

BETTIS BOOK REVEALS HE FAKED INJURY, AND THE ELDERLY COUPLE WHO PRETENDED TO BE HIS PARENTS WERE ACTORS


PITTSBURGH (AP) -- Jerome Bettis, the No. 5 rusher in NFL history, claims in a new book that he faked a knee injury during training camp in 2000 so the Pittsburgh Steelers wouldn't cut him.

The book also reveals that the older couple who claimed to be Bettis' parents and who were always present at his games were, in fact, British equity actors named Clive and Harriet Dorsey who never even met the Steeler great. The Dorseys were hired to soften Bettis' tough-guy image, and everyone associated with Bettis says it worked. In the off-season, the Dorseys do summer stock theater, and they are currently touring Ireland performing "The Gin Game." Since the Bus' retirement, they've been looking to land a job as "parents" to another NFL star and are in discussions with Joey Porter's agent.

'WACKED OUT,' 'NUTCASE' TO BECOME PART OF CLINICAL LEXICON, AMERICAN PSYCHIATRY ASSOCIATION ANNOUNCES

"There's no other way to describe some people nowadays," said Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the APA

FRESHMAN STUDENTS IN PITT'S NEW "HOUSEKEEPING" MAJOR, TAKE A FIELD TRIP TO THE NEARBY HAMPTON INN.

University officials point with pride to the major, which is new this year, saying "We're preparing America's young people for the jobs of the future and giving them a leg up on all those illegal Mexicans who, up until now, have excelled at this sort of interdisciplinary skill."

BUSH COMMUTES SENTENCE OF PIRATES FANS, CANCELS REMAINDER OF SEASON

“The President accepts what happens on the baseball diamond but feels those Pittsburgh fans have been punished enough.” -- Whitehouse Press Secretary Tony Snow

Mr. Snow would not comment on whether the President will grant a full pardon to fans who have watched the team the past fifteen seasons.

'Business side in good shape!' reports Pirate owner Bob Nutting.

Fans breath sigh of relief. "As long as the team's books are in order," said one season ticket holder, "that's all that matters to me and my kids."

BUSH ORDERS U.S. TROOPS TO VIETNAM 'TO FINISH THE JOB STARTED BY BRAVE YOUNG AMERICANS WHO WERE NOT ME'

President also outlines U.S. plans for "regime change" in Iran and North Korea: "Today I settle all family business"

FIRST-YEAR MBA STUDENTS LECTURED ON BUSINESS ETHICS

Dean tells incoming class, "After today, you'll never use them again!"

JOE HARDY TO MARRY AGAIN

Says new fiance has "that youthful exuberance I've been looking for"

HURRICANE DEAN WILL TEAM UP WITH HURRICANE JERRY; FORECASTERS PREDICT EXTENDED RUN BEFORE BITTER BREAK-UP

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Hurricane Center is reporting that the remnants of Hurricane Dean will likely team up with Hurricane Jerry in the near future, creating a powerful one-two punch that will sweep through nightclubs up and down the Atlantic Coast, before veering West.

“We expect these two to go their separate ways over Hollywood, California,” said Mike Maloney, Director of the National Hurricane Center . “Our analysis indicates that once separation occurs, they won’t team up again for another quarter of a century.” Maloney said that would most likely occur in Las Vegas, probably during a Labor Day weekend. “The fact is we haven’t even honed the ten-day yet, so providing a twenty-five year forecast is fraught with pitfalls.”

According to Maloney, Hurricane Dean, who recently played the Yucatan Peninsula solo, will join Hurricane Jerry in the Catskill Mountains . “Jerry is going to bring a lot of energy to this pairing,” said Maloney. “But speculation continues over whether Dean or Jerry is the driving force.”

The historic merging of these two dynamic forces of nature is imminent. “Once they team up, they ’ll head right for Skinny D’Amato’s 500 Club in Philadelphia,” said Maloney. “And from there, it’s on to New York. We expect them to absolutely tear up the Copa and Twenty-One. Sherman Billingsley, your Stork Club is in line for a direct, and long-running hit.”

Anyone in the path of these tempests should brace themselves for enormous amounts of wind, especially from Jerry, and gales of laughter.

SCIENTISTS CAN'T LOCATE 96% OF MATTER IN UNIVERSE, SUMMON FORMER U.N. ARMS INSPECTOR HANS BLIX TO FIND IT

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Scientists trying to create a detailed inventory of all the matter and energy in the cosmos have run into a curious problem--the vast majority of it is missing. Only 4 percent of the matter and energy in the universe has been found. The other 96 percent remains elusive.

But not for long. Scientists have called Hans Blix out of retirement to find the missing matter. Blix is the former chief UN arms inspector in Iraq who claimed he could find no evidence that Saddam Hussein harbored weapons of mass destruction.

Blix says he's going to do what he does best. "If the missing matter isn't there, don't worry, I won't find it. I am among the world's foremost authorities on not finding things that aren't there."

President Bush did not hide his displeasure with the appointment. "That fool couldn't find his [penis] if his life depended on it," Bush said. The President announced that the United States plans to take action on its own concerning the missing matter without awaiting Blix's findings. "I will get the man who did this," Bush vowed.
Original Mattress Factory commercial likens making mattresses to landing on the moon, storming the beaches at Normandy, discovering the cure for polio, splitting the atom, and changing water into wine

BETTIS BOOK SPOILER: LORD VOLDEMORT DESTROYS 'THE BUS' IN LAST CHAPTER OF STEELER GREAT'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY


PEDUTO LAUNCHES NEW WEB SITE: "REPORN PITTSBURGH NOW"

"Our goal," the City Councilman said, "is to reach out to those who receive their information and gratification from the Internet. We want to introduce them to the world of local government while bringing Internet voyeurism tot hose who want to see hot chicks in Pittsburgh now!"

DULL MAN ELATED HE'S BEEN NAMED "PERSON OF INTEREST" IN CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION

PITTSBURGH - Hadley V. Baxendale is being called a person of interest in the embezzlement of almost $20,000 from his former employer, Bradleys Roadhouse Bar and Grill in Pleasant Hills where Baxendale worked as an office manager and waiter for six years until he was discharged in December 2006 for accounting irregularities.

"He's just so excited," said Baxendale's wife Maria. "He's always been on the quiet side, and nobody's ever said he was 'of interest,' until now."

"Chalk this one up for the little guys, the guys everybody wrote off as boring or dull," Baxendale proudly said from his cell at the County Jail. "I have a warrant here that says I'm not dull, I'm not boring." He turns to his wife on the other side of the bars and playfully asks, "What does that warrant say, honey?" Maria rolled her eyes. "For the 40th time, it says you're a 'person of interest.'" Hadley Baxendale sat back contentedly. "'Person of interest!' Don't you just love the sound of that."

PEDUTO JOINS FORCES WITH iJUSTINE FOR PITTSBURGH REFORM WEB SITE

Next up for the City Councilman: a Foreign Policy Think Tank with LonelyGirl15 and a couple of YouTube lip-syncers

JOHNSTOWN RED CROSS IN DANGER OF CLOSING, PRAYS FOR ANOTHER KILLER FLOOD

LUMBER BARON JOE HARDY FILES FOR DIVORCE JUST MONTHS AFTER MARRIAGE TO 23-YEAR-OLD, CITES 'ERECTILE DIFFERENCES'

YOUNG MRS. HARDY REFUSED TO HOLD OUT UNTIL THEIR FIFTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY WHEN THE TRADITIONAL GIFT IS WOOD

"YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?"

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl refuses to back down during testimony at the Ethics Hearing Board saying, "you want a piece of me?" as mayoral advisor Silvio Dante looks on.

"You talkin' to me?"

Ravenstahl turns the tables on the Ethics Board and questions Board members

MAYOR APPEARS TO SUFFER CHEST PAINS: PITTSBURGH SIGHS, 'OH, NO, HERE WE GO AGAIN'

STEELER IMPERSONATOR ORDERED TO JAIL, WILL NOW IMPERSONATE MAN UNABLE TO BEND OVER IN SHOWER

PRISONER SAYS JOKES ABOUT MALE INMATES BEING RAPED CONSTITUTE MISANDRY, CALLS FOR 'EQUAL TIME' JOKES WHERE FEMALE INMATES ARE RAPED

GUEST COMMENTARY BY CLARENCE McAVOY, PRISONER 100497264 - We've all heard it. Whenever someone is happy that some man is being sent away to prison, the inevitable snickering starts about how he's going to meet up with some big guy named Bubba in the prison shower. Yes, I hear you sisters laughing at that line, too. That lame joke even appears on this lame Web site (see the stupid post right before this one). I must admit, it's such a funny, innovative joke, I wish Santa Claus were black and that I was him so that I could give it a big "ho, ho, ho!"

Actually, that's sarcasm. The truth is that if rape is funny with respect to male prisoners, it's just as funny with respect to female prisoners. When those women teachers are sent away for raping high school boys, we should all be chortling, "Ho, ho, ho! She won't miss her little boyfriend because she'll have Bertha in the prison shower." But, see, the "sisterhood" would label you evil if you say that.

Well, ladies, don't you be feeding me none of your horseshit about how it's totally different when the gender roles are reversed because of your "historical oppression," or "male privilege," or "the patriarchy" or some such other f***ed-up term that don't mean shit in the real world outside your little circle of sorry-ass friends. You all live longer than us, you got more education, you work less dangerous jobs, you're allowed to dress like a man and no one disses you for it, and you know how to scam the system better than us to get money from the government or your ex while the brothers are hunted down by the law as "deadbeats,"so GET YOUR ASS OVER IT AND LAUGH AT THE F***ING JOKE! One of your more famous f***ed-up sisters said "all men are rapists." Well, all men ain't rapists, morons. Me, I'm a rapist, but I ain't all men.

Now if you're offended by any of this, you're a misandrist, which means "man hater." Since you won't ever have a man, might I suggest you go f*** yourself.

Prisoner 100497264 is in the tenth year of a twenty year sentence for rape. This commentary was translated into English by Judge Rufus Peckham.

Vick Calls Audible, Changes Plea to “Guilty”

“Oh! You mean THOSE dogs? Now that I know which dogs you're talking about . . . Yes I made them fight each other and killed the loser."

ATLANTA - Claiming a miscommunication, Michael Vick abruptly changed his plea to "guilty" on charges of animal cruelty. "I just didn't realize what dogs they were talking about. Now that I've read the charges against me, I'm ready to change my plea." Looking at a jail sentence and a felony on his record, Vick has instructed his agents to begin negotiations with both Dallas and Oakland for his return to pro football in 2010.

PRISON WARDEN SAYS VICK LIKELY TO BE FIRST PICK IN NEXT YEARS FEDERAL PRISON DRAFT

SCOUTS SAY FORMER FALCONS STAR WOULD BE “PERFECT FIT” FOR MEAN MACHINE

ATLANTA - Warden Hazen, the sadistic, football-loving head of the Southern Regional Correctional Facility in Georgia, will select disgraced former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick with the first pick in next year’s Federal Prison League draft.

“I can see it now,” said a smiling Hazen. “I’m standing on the podium with my newest star inmate, and Michael is holding up his personalized Mean Machine No. 7 uniform for the cameras.”

Vick has indicated he will accept a plea bargain next week on charges he operated a dog-fighting ring out of his Virginia home. As part of his agreement with prosecutors, Vick is expected to serve between twelve and eighteen months in prison. Hazen was ecstatic. “That means we’re going to have him for at least one season, maybe two.” At the end of his sentence, following a series of comic misadventures, Vick is expected to quarterback a racially diverse team of criminal misfits in a brutal, but often brutally funny game of football against a hand-picked team of prison guards. If history is any indication, Vick will seal a dramatic victory by taking the ball himself, rolling left in slow motion, then right in slow-motion, finally leaping across the goal line as time expires for the winning touchdown.

“I certainly hope that doesn’t happen to us again,” said Warden Hazen. “Although it does seem to happen to us in every game we play. It’s like I’ve been watching the same movie for the last thirty years.”

WVU RECLAIMS RANK AS #1 PARTY SCHOOL; CMU RETAINS RANK AS #1 PARTY POOPER SCHOOL

WEST VIRGINIA - "We reject our ranking, said West Virginia President David Hardesty, Jr., "because we believe the survey's flawed methodology overlooks the rigorous academic culture on our campus.”

"We accept our ranking," said Carnegie Mellon President Jared Cohon, "because we know our social life sucks."

LUNCH TIME AT GOVERNOR'S MANSION IN HARRISBURG

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl breaks down in front of Ethics Board

Emotionally defends his participation in a celebrity golf outing crying "Boys will be boys!"

TO BOOST SAGGING TROOP LEVELS, ARMY RE-INSTATES SELECTIVE SERVICE; HUMMER OWNERS CALLED UP FIRST

"Some of the men aren't happy about it," said Lt. Colonel Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commander of Yellow Battalion Bravo. "But we love our country, we support the war, and we all love driving these babies, so we may as well do it where it counts."

BUSH FRUSTRATED WITH AL-MALIKI'S GOVERNMENT, SAYS WE 'MIGHT HAVE TO INVADE IRAQ AGAIN'

"I might get hot and invade Iran and a couple other Arab nations while we're over there," says Bush

RAVENSTAHL APPEARS BEFORE ETHICS BOARD

Panel Chair Sister Patrice Hughes tells Mayor, "We think you violated the city's ethics policy at that golf tournament, and we're still trying to figure out how in the hell you got into Esquire magazine."

RAVENSTAHL REFUSES TO APPEAR BEFORE ETHICS BOARD UNLESS HE RECEIVES STIPEND

MAYOR'S OFFICE TELLS BOARD TODAY'S HEARING CANCELLED ABSENT CASH DONATION OR INVITATION FOR THREE ROUNDS OF GOLF

‘BULL DAY’ AT THE CHIHULY GLASS EXHIBITION TURNS TRAGIC

PITTSBURGH -- Artist Dale Chihuly must be thinking his exhibition of glass sculptures at Phipps Conservatory is snake-bit.

First, there were the many fires that were ignited by concentrated beams of sunlight refracted through Chihuly’s masterpieces, a story that was reported only by this news source (
Click Here). That problem worked itself out when Pittsburgh’s usual cloudy weather returned after a freakish period of sunshine.

The latest fiasco started innocently enough. Phipps Director of Glass, Atilla Khan, wanted to attract glass aficionados from some of the outlying rural counties so he declared last Saturday “Bring your Bull to Phipps Day” and offered free admission to any youngster accompanied by an adult male bovine. Bull moose and elk were also acceptable.

“Allegheny County doesn’t have anything like a county fair anymore,” Khan explained, “I figure what the hell - this [event] would be fun.”

The event was far from fun. Just ask 10-year old Billy Ambrose from Masontown, Fayette County. No sooner had he entered Phipps with his prize bull, Peter Ustinov, that the trouble started. It turned out that "PU," as Billy calls him, is allergic to some of the plants in Phipps and began to sneeze.

“There’s not a lot of room in there for a bull to sneeze,” Billy’s mother Anna described, “so, PU just ran amok."

PU flattened one sculpture after another, with glass flying everywhere. “It was like a bull in a china shop,” one witness observed. Hundreds of people were cut.

“There was blood, blood every,” Billy related between sobs.

It took doctors at Mercy Hospital several hours to patch up all of the injured. Thirty-eight people remain hospitalized.

Khan said Phipps will have counselors available for the injured and plans to make it up to them with a special “Lacerations Day” over the Labor Day Weekend.

PNC TELLS PIRATES IT'S EXERCISING NAMING RIGHTS BY CHANGING BALLPARK'S NAME TO 'BANK OF NEW YORK MELLON PARK'

Jim Rohr: "I suppose Bank of New York Mellon isn't going to like this, but I'd rather attach PNC's name to something more attractive, like a hurricane"

NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER PAYS TRIBUTE TO TELEVISION LEGEND, WILL NAME NEXT HURRICANE ‘MERV’

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The director of the National Hurricane Center announced today that the next Atlantic hurricane will be named “Merv,” in honor of recently deceased television personality Merv Griffin. The popular entertainer died on August 12, 2007, after a battle with prostate cancer.

“The answer is ‘name of the next hurricane,’ said National Hurricane Center Director Mike Maloney. “Out of respect for the man who gave us ‘Jeopardy,’ I’ll phrase this in the form of a question: ‘What is Merv?’"

Maloney said Griffin ’s extraordinary life merited the unusual step of assigning his name to a storm after the list had already been decided. “Our forecasters spend a great deal of time plowing through books prior to a storm’s arrival trying to agree upon appropriate names, so I do not make this decision lightly.” He described hurricanes as unusually powerful weather events that must be watched carefully, and constantly. “Just like Merv Griffin, only without the destructive power of torrential rains and dangerously high winds,” said Maloney. “Merv was truly a force of nature, so this is going to be a great fit.”

In related news, Maloney issued a “preliminary list” of names for next year’s Atlantic basin storms. They are as follows: Moqtada, Lindsey, Saddam, Brittney, Ringo, Paris , O.J., Karl, Vick, Rasputin, Geronimo, Charo, Bing, Satchmo, and Zsa Zsa. Maloney said the final list would be determined by on-line voting, with the results issued next May.

ACCIDENT ON SET OF TOM CRUISE FILM: ELEVEN EXTRAS FALL OFF TRUCK WHEN CRUISE READS LINES IN BELIEVABLE FASHION

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER PASSED OVER FOR WORK GUARDING STEELERS AT A HOTEL BECAUSE PLAYERS WALK DOWN HALL NAKED

Male officers report they are "not exactly" comfortable with this particular habit of the players. “If she wants the job she can have it!” says one male cop. “I’ll do my overtime down at Club Elite.”

Michael Vick Pleads "Rut-Row"

RICHMOND, Va. - Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will plead guilty to federal dogfighting conspiracy charges after prosecutors presented new evidence uncovered by McGruff the Crime Dog. "He sniffed out clues that we missed," said Sheriff Andy Taylor, "and he worked, well, doggedly on this until Vick had no choice but to plead guilty." These developments triggered a heated exchange between Vick and McGruff outside the offices of Vick's lead defense attorney Billy Martin. Vick told McGruff, "You're a son of a bitch." McGruff replied, "Well, that's one thing you got right."

OBAMA: "BEING PRESIDENT WOULD BE NICE, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ACT"

Illinois Senator abandons bid for White House to star with Morgan Freeman and Cuba Gooding Jr. in heartfelt new comedy, "Driving Miss Daisy to Daddy Day Camp"

WITH RECRUITMENT & RE-ENLISTMENT AT ALL-TIME LOWS, U.S. ARMY NOW BREEDING ITS OWN SOLDIERS

"It takes longer to get them combat-ready," said Lt. Colonel MichaelGilbert, Director of the Army's 3rd Fetal Conscription Division. "But onc ewe get them through basic potty training, they're ours for life."

“HANGING CHAD” HIRED FOR BUSH BACHOLERETTE PARTY; FLORIDA STRIPPER HAS KARL ROVE, JAMES BAKER'S SEAL OF APPROVAL

BARBARA BAKER’S HUSBAND ACCEPTS ROLE IN BREEDING ELEPHANTS

Zoo President gives her assurances that her husband Dayton is well-equipped for the job