LOCAL MAN THROWN OUT OF FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE DUE TO LACK OF TRASH-TALKING

HIGHLAND PARK --- Landscaper Paul Chwastyk has been removed from his nephew’s football fantasy league because he refused to engage in robust trash-talking, league commissioner Brian Adler said today.

“Uncle Paul analyzed the offensive and defensive lines, evaluated performances, and did all those other things that really don’t matter,” Adler said. “The games are sort of superfluous to us --- we just use the league to hurl insults at each other.”

Mr. Chwastyk said it hurts that his own nephew has thrown him out. “I helped raised that kid. We played catch in the back yard when he was little. I taught him the finer points of sports betting. I spotted him the money to enter football pools, and I even introduced him to my bookie. Now he goes and does this, the little bastard.”

A self-described “older guy,” Chwastyk thinks the younger fantasy players are a bunch of wimps. “They’re sitting around in their fancy suits and ties all day while I’m outside knocking down trees and installing drainage pipes. Sitting around your office typing all day isn’t work. I don’t think they even did much work in high school. Back in my day, we took classes like wood shop, not ‘keyboarding,’ like they did. I almost cut off my damn thumb once, and these wimps probably say things like, ‘Ooh, ooh, I better get a pillow for my wrists so I don’t get carpal tunnel.’”

Commissioner Adler said: “Now that’s what I’m talking about. If Uncle Paul could bring that kind of talk to the football league, he’s welcome to come back.”

But Chwastyk is done. “I’m starting my own league, and no one under forty is allowed in,” he said. “Plus Brian will get his --- I’m telling the bookie where he lives.”

SENATOR CRAIG GOES OFF TO QUIET PLACE TO RECONSIDER DECISION TO RESIGN

COMEDIANS CHEER SENATOR CRAIG'S DECISION TO RECONSIDER

Comedians project five to seven more days of top notch material based on Sen. Craig before they will be forced to return to making fun of President Bush.

DEFIANT BUSH TELLS IRAQ CRITICS 'NOT EVEN LAURA TELLS ME WHEN TO WITHDRAW'

JERRY LEWIS HEADS TO CONFESSION TO APOLOGIZE FOR ANTI-GAY SLUR

MAN IN NEXT STALL, WHO SOUNDS LIKE SEN. LARRY CRAIG, ABSOLVES COMIC OF SIN, TRIES TO PLAY FOOTSY WITH HIM

SANTINO “SONNY” CORLEONE TAPES COMMERCIAL FOR ORIGINAL MATTRESS FACTORY

PITTSBURGH - Santino “Sonny” Corleone, the hot-tempered son of olive oil importer Vito Corleone, was in Pittsburgh this weekend taping a commercial for the Original Mattress Factory. “When we need to go to the mattresses, we go to the Original Mattress Factory,” said Corleone, who appears in the spot with Original Mattress Factory founder and president, Ron Trzcinski.

In the commercial, Corleone is wearing his trademark sleeveless undershirt. He spoke with reporters before heading back to the Corleone family compound out on the island. “I’ve wanted to get into commercials for some time now. Professionally, I’ve been kind of stifled.”

Corleone’s prior work experience includes a brief stint as a customer service representative for his father’s importing business. He has also worked as a mediation specialist in the Domestic Relations division of the Nassau County Department of Human Relations. Corleone’s employment was terminated for repeatedly using a trash can lid to expedite settlement agreements. Trzcinski was excited about working with Corleone. “Sonny was in the market for a new mattress. He shopped around at many of the major national retailers, but after we gave him a tour of our factory, and he saw first-hand the quality and value of our work, he was sold. He was so thrilled with our products, he insisted on becoming a part our team.”

In addition to appearing in radio and television spots, Trzcinski has a few other projects lined up for Mr. Corleone. “Thanks to Sonny, we’re going to be able to eliminate the middleman – permanently.”

OBAMA ADMITS HE WAVES AT ALL WHITE PEOPLE BECAUSE 'I CAN'T TELL THEM APART'

U.S. TELLS IRAQ PRIME MINISTER al-MALIKI HE'S FAILED TO ACHIEVE 11 OF 18 BENCHMARKS

Prime Minister agrees but points to four birthmarks, says "surely they must count for something."

MORTGAGE DEADBEAT APOLOGIZES TO AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR SUBPRIME MORTGAGE CRISIS

PITTSBURGH - Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne hasn't slept well in three weeks. She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders due to the crisis on Wall Street stemming from the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry.

"I was one of these people who shouldn't have been given a mortgage because of my poor credit history," said Lugosi-Swayne. "But they gave me one anyway, and I've been missing payments for months." Lugosi-Swayne wipes here eyes with a Kleenex. "But I'm not worried about me. Let them take my house, I don't care. What I'm worried about is the roller coaster disruption I've caused to the world-wide economy."

Swayne's admissions come as foreclosure filings have reached epidemic proportions. Analysts say that the fallout from mortgages gone bad is spreading well beyond borrowers in default and is effecting numerous other aspects of the economy.

"I can't tell you how bad I feel about it," said Lugosi-Swayne choking back tears. "I can only hope the American people find it in their hearts to forgive me."

U-M Plays the Blues

ANN ARBOR -- In what is being called college football's 'upset of the century', 5th ranked University of Michigan lost their opening game 34-32 to the Pennsylvania Culinary Institute 'Fighting Chefs' on Saturday. No one would have guessed that a school of culinary education steeped in the history and methods of the esteemed Le Cordon Bleu program could beat a Big 10 football powerhouse.

"You've got to give them credit," said Wolverine coach Lloyd Carr. "They were well prepared. And that soufflé they sent over after the game was out of this world!" In the photo above, U-M players are stunned to learn that soy sauce makes a terrific marinade.

Embarrassed by the upset, school officials have announced that the Wolverines next year's season opener will be against The Western Pennsylvania School for Blind Children.

SEN. CRAIG REVEALS COMPLEX RITUAL HE PERFORMS EVERY TIME HE USES RESTROOM

Craig insists his routine differs from the secret homosexual footshake because it is "more latin, smoother and has much more feeling."

JERRY LEWIS STILL DOING TELETHON -- BECAUSE NO ONE HAS THE HEART TO TELL HIM MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY WAS CURED 15 YEARS AGO!

"It would break Jerry's heart if he couldn't do this every year," said sidekick Ed McMahon.

LAS VEGAS, Nev. -- Comic legend Jerry Lewis joined friends and entertainers this Labor Day weekend for his 42nd annual Telethon, supposedly to benefit the Muscular Dystrophy Association. While the entire world knows that muscular dystrophy was cured fifteen years ago, Lewis trudges on year after year, oblivious to the news. “I’ll never wave the white flag in the fight against muscular dystrophy so long as it still exists,” Lewis said yesterday.

Lewis thinks the telethon raises tens of millions of dollars annually. In fact, the pledges are all made up. There is no Muscular Dystrophy Association, and no one is researching for a cure. "There's no need for any of that any more," said telethon sidekick Ed McMahon. "But Jerry thinks there is."

"We tried to tell him [about the cure] when it happened back in '92, but it just didn't sink in," explained McMahon. "I kept repeating it over and over, shaking him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare. We decided never to bring it up again because we figured it would kill him." McMahon shakes his head sadly. "This entire telethon is a charade to keep a wonderful man happy. In his mind, he's helping a lot of people."

DUKE'S 'GROUP OF 88' COMMITS MASS SUICIDE AFTER EX-D.A. NIFONG HELD IN CONTEMPT OF COURT

PROFS SAY DEATH PREFERABLE TO TEACHING PRIVILEGED WHITE MALES

DURHAM, N.C. - The 88 Duke University professors who signed off on an ad in the Duke Chronicle last year that many interpreted as condemning three Duke lacrosse players accused of rape before the facts were adjudicated committed suicide last night in a bizarre ceremony purposefully reminiscent of Jonestown.

The group members had been distraught since the prosecution's case unraveled and the players were acquitted last spring, but insiders say they were pushed over the edge last Friday when ex-District Attorney Mike Nifong was held in contempt of court for lying to the court in the course of the case.

"They decided suicide was preferable to facing another group of incoming misogynist, patriarchal, racist, privileged white male students," one faculty member said on condition of anonymity.

Duke's President Richard Broadhead said he was both saddened and angry over the suicides. "They [the Group of 88] knew in their hearts that these young men were guilty. The fact that they had no evidence for that conclusion completely misses the point. These brave souls should be honored precisely because they did not allow the facts to get in the way of a larger truth," said Broadhead.

Broadhead bitterly denounced both the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution that guarantee due process, explaining "it was those damned [Constitutional] provisions that allowed these sneering, snivelling [lacrosse players] to slip free of being sacrificed on the altar of political correctness to atone for the sins of the patriarchy. That's what drove [the 88] to this." Broadhead slammed his little first on his desk. "Damn it, if I had those three here, I'd castrate them myself, I'm so mad."

Broadhead pointed out it didn't help matters that five days after the acquittal, Seung-Hui Cho went on a killing rampage at Virginia Tech. "When the '88' heard about [the Virginia Tech shootings], they were elated, and they anxiously awaited confirmation of their assumption that the shooter was a misogynist American Caucasian male," said Broadhead. "One can only imagine how devastated they were when they learned he was Asian. They were already in a fragile state and, frankly, they didn't need that." (Related editorial here)

US AIRWAYS UNVEILS NEW STEELERS-THEMED PLANE

SOURCES SAY THE PLANE WILL STAY ON THE GROUND AT LEAST 55% OF THE TIME, DESPITE ROETHLISBERGER PLEAS TO AIR IT OUT MORE

POPULAR ONLINE NEWS SITE TO EXPAND MIDDLE EAST PRESENCE

Coming to Iraq in October: Judge Rufus Al-Peckham’s Karbala Smoke Ball

PBS SPECIAL SHOWCASES TV FILMMAKER RICK SEBAK'S GRISLY MURDER OF BELOVED CRITIC BOB KARLOVITS

PITTSBURGH - PBS will air a much-anticipated three hour special tonight, "To Market, To Market to Kill a Pig Critic," a cute title that belies the ghastly horrors to come. The show painstakingly chronicles filmmaker Rick Sebak's murder of beloved Pittsburgh Tribune-Review critic Bob Karlovits earlier this year. Tribune-Review critic Win Fanning, who replaced Karlovits after a several-decade absence from the Pittsburgh newspaper scene, explained that Pittsburgh's local PBS outlet, WQED, won't air the documentary "because the events are too close to us, and there's a Steeler game on." Fanning explained that Pittsburghers can problably catch the special on cable TV, "whatever the hell that is."

At the start of the show, narrator David McCullough warns faint-hearted viewers that the crime was "so grisly it is practically unspeakable." McCullough confides that this is what attracted him to the project. "I've grown weary of all that John Adams crap. What I really want to do is narrate true-life ghost stories."

The details of the Karlovits murder are well-known to residents of Western Pennsylvania. Sebak, silently enraged with Karlovits for his repeated scathing reviews of Sebak's home-spun specials, lured the critic to the roof of the Gulf Tower under the guise of showing him the endangered falcons Sebak supposedly planned to feature in his next show. When Karlovits walked out onto the balcony, Sebak suddenly slammed the door shut and turned to the falcons. "GEORGIE MILES," Sebak yelled at the top of his lungs. That was the cue for the ferocious mother falcon to grab Karlovits by the neck with her talons. She lifted the shrieking critic high above Pittsburgh's Golden Triangle, and as she hovered over Fifth Avenue Place, Sebak blew a whistle signaling the winged beast to drop her prey. The ghastly free fall ended with a sickening splat as Karlovits landed face-up atop the landmark building, its massive pole protruding through his crotch in a most sensational manner, both embarrassing and killing him instantly. Sebak filmed the lurid sight from atop the Gulf Tower, and his maniacal laugh boomed from Grant Street to PNC Park.

On Liberty Avenue below, cameras captured the stunned passersby, ironically a cavalcade of the sort of quirky characters that are a staple of Sebak's specials. Tribune-Review sports columnist Mike Prisuta, who had never acknowledged Karlovits at the newspaper, was filled with regret as he stared at the astonishing scene. "I should have paid better attention to young Mr. Karlovits," Prisuta gushed. "It looks like he could really fill out a jock."

Strolling along Stanwix Street, WQED icon Chris Fennimore was describing to his cooking show co-host Nancy Polinsky a unique noodle dish he wanted her to try when the sound of Karlovits's shrieking interrupted them. Looking up, Polinsky was transfixed by the strangely titillating sight of Karlovits impaled. "I'll tell you what, Chris," she said without averting her eyes, "I doubt that your noodle can compare with Mr. Karlovits'." Just as in Sebak's specials, such off-the-wall statements give the viewer license to chuckle.

Win Fanning called the show a "winning concoction of eroticism and grisly historical accuracy." Fanning added: "And, the murder got me a newspaper job again." Sebak, currently serving time in the maximum security wing of the state correctional institution at Rockview, is preparing a new television special called What Makes Death Row Death Row?

WOMEN SHOCKED AS LOCAL MAN REVEALS EVERY MEN'S ROOM IS A HOTBED OF GAY SEX ACTIVITY, STRAIGHT MEN ROUTINELY ASSAULTED

Special Report By Gloria Swanstein - Local electrical engineer Noah Swayne addressed more than 150 women at a luncheon meeting of the downtown YWCA today and revealed to his shocked audience that there was good reason for the recent sex sting operation that nabbed Senator Larry Craig. Swayne explained that "every men's room in the United States is teeming with unrestrained gay sex."

Swayne explained in painstaking detail that incidents very similar to the one involving Craig occur "hundreds of times each day in every single men's room across America." The average male who visits a public room can expect to be propositioned no fewer than three times each visit, and raped or sexually assaulted at least once every week, he said. "Each and every time we use the urinals, our penises are fondled by an average of two strange men."

Several members of the audience wondered aloud why they had not previously heard these shocking statistics. Swayne explained that there is "a code of silence among men that forbids sharing this information with women because it is unmanly to admit we are being sexually objectified by other men." Swayne noted that he fully expects to be punished by his fellow men, and perhaps murdered, for his revelations.

BUSH PAYS SURPRISE VISIT TO IRAQ

Prez pops out from closet, yells "surprise," mingles for a few minutes, then heads to Australia. "I didn't have anything special to say to them," Bush said. "I just wanted to see their faces when I popped out."

SEN. CRAIG TEAMS WITH TAY ZONDAY ON UPCOMING 'CHOCOLATE DRAIN' CD

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CARBOLIC FLASHBACK TO ONE YEAR AGO: PITTSBURGH PULLS OUT ALL THE STOPS TO SAY GOODBYE TO MAYOR O'CONNOR

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh pulled out all the stops to say goodbye to Mayor Bob O'Connor yesterday in an unprecedented outpouring of grief and affection. Longtime funeral watchers agreed that the city never has seen, and likely never will see, so grand a send-off. Innumerable local luminaries, politicians, dignitaries and common folk crowded St. Paul's Cathedral well in advance of the 11 o'clock funeral mass.

Archbishop Donald Wuerl presided and at one point quipped: "There are so many Irish in this Church, I feel like I'm at a casting call for The Quiet Man."

Young Luke Ravenstahl staked out a seat on the aisle in the second pew and during the Prayers of the Faithful could be heard muttering to himself, "Like, I'm the Mayor. Like, I'm the Mayor. Like, I'm the Mayor."

During the Sign of Peace, former Allegheny County coroner Cyril Wecht turned and told several strangers that a second gunman "likely" was involved in Mayor O'Connor's death. Former Mayor Tom Murphy told several mourners that the area around the Cathedral "needs to be revitalized and could use a publicly financed department store or two."

At Mayor O'Connor's request, Pittsburgh's finest participated in the funeral. Legendary traffic cop and funnyman Vic Cianca came out of retirement "one last time" to direct the overflow crowds inside the Cathedral. Chief of Police Dom Costa warned Cianca, with his trademark white gloves and deadpan face, to "downplay the funny stuff." Cianca was largely on his good behavior, but at one point before the funeral mass he pulled out a beer bottle and pretended to be drunk while directing the crowds to their pews.

The chief eulogist was popular PNC Park vendor T.C. Congdon, whose shtick is to point to people in the crowd and call them by the names of celebrities they vaguely resemble. Until last week, Congdon frequently referred to any man with white hair as "the Mayor." He almost slipped yesterday when he interrupted his eulogy and pointed to a white-haired man in the first pew, "Look, it's the May --". Congdon quickly corrected himself: "I mean, look, it's Leslie Neilsen."

After the ceremony, the funeral procession proceeded through Oakland and headed downtown. Twice it took wrong turns and got lost on Pittsburgh's confusing streets. At the late Mayor's request, the funeral procession stopped at Aiello's Pizza in Squirrel Hill. The pallbearers carried the casket into the shop and several patrons allowed them to cut to the front of the line. The pallbearers ordered up one slice each for the man everyone here called "Bob," then they sat at the late Mayor's favorite booth for quiet reflection while they munched away.

Then it was off to Heinz Field where the pallbearers carried the casket to the late Mayor's favorite box to watch the first half of the Steeler's-Dolphin's game. Finally, it was time to proceed to the cemetery.

No true Pittsburgh grave could be dug by anyone other than former Pirates third baseman Richie Hebner. "I made a lot of errors in my time," said the popular ex-Buc, "but coming here to dig this grave for the Mayor wasn't one of them."

Thus ended a period of mourning that lasted slightly longer than the entire O'Connor administration.

FIRST PHOTO RELEASED OF THE SEN. LARRY CRAIG STING OPERATION

HAPPY LABOR DAY FROM THE STAFF OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL

THIS WEEKEND'S JERRY LEWIS TELETHON WILL HAVE HARD TIME TOPPING LAST YEAR'S TOTALS: 512 MAUDLIN MOMENTS

Republican Investigating Committee Clears Craig on Gay Sex Accusation

Reprimands him for bad dance skills, wearing black shoes with brown suit

AL-SADR ADMITS HE CAN’T RAISE A FAMILY AND RUN A DEATH SQUAD BY HIMSELF; SENDS FOR UNCLE CHARLIE

BAGHDAD - Overwhelmed by the responsibilities of fomenting civil unrest and fulfilling his paternal responsibilities to a trio of precocious boys, Moqtada Al-Sadr has asked Uncle Charlie to come to Iraq . “Uncle Charlie will now assume the role of primary caregiver to my three sons,” said Al-Sadr. The role was originally played by the boy’s grandfather, Bub. However, Bub drove a truck filled with one hundred pounds of plastic explosives into a crowded downtown market last month, taking his own life and the lives of two-hundred and fifteen other people.

Al-Sadr said he was confident that Uncle Charlie would be able to keep his house in order while he spent every waking moment trying to drive the American occupiers from Iraqi soil. “He’s a gruff, irascible fellow, but he’s got a heart of gold. And he looks great wearing an apron.” Charlie O’Casey does not come without baggage. In 1968, he, along with members of the Manson family, was accused of the brutal slayings of Robbie, Chip and Ernie Douglas. Tried for a triple homicide, the jury voted for acquittal, but only after Uncle Charlie baked them a delicious apple pie. And there were charges, never proven, that he ran a dog-fighting ring using the family pet of a previous employer. In a 1972 interview with Good Housekeeping, O’Casey denounced those rumors. “I always hated Tramp, but I would never let another dog kill him. If anyone was going to kill that mangy mutt, it would have been me.”

O’Casey expects to arrive in Baghdad Friday morning. He anticipates having three loads of laundry completed by Friday afternoon.

SEN. CRAIG DEBUTS 'MEN'S ROOM SHUFFLE' ON VH1

ARRESTING OFFICER IN SEX BUST DESCRIBES SENATOR CRAIG'S PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES

SLEEVELESS RAFAEL NADAL'S ARMPIT HAIR 'RUINS' U.S. OPEN FOR LOCAL HETEROSEXUAL MAN

KINGS FOLLOWS-UP ON FROWNIE DESSERT

Continuing its successful promotion, restaurant introduces new “Manic Depressive Meatloaf” and “Suicide Shake.”

NEWS ROUNDUP

EDINBURGH - The highlight of each performance of the Circus of Horrors at the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival is for a dwarf performer to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member. Last night, the act went horribly awry when the dwarf's manhood got stuck in the vacuum, and he had to be rushed to a hospital. Although embarrassed, the dwarf says the show will go on.

EDINBURGH - A seventeen-year-old boy was rushed to the hospital after his mother found him in his room with his manhood stuck to a vacuum cleaner. The mother angrily accused the boy of pleasuring himself but the lad calmly explained that he was merely honing his skills so he could try out for the Circus of Horrors.

'ANTIQUES ROADSHOW'S' EXPERT APPRAISERS SAY CLEANING CATHEDRAL OF LEARNING REDUCED ITS VALUE FROM $1 BILLION TO VIRTUALLY NOTHING

PEDUTO RECRUITS ANOTHER ONLINE STAR FOR WEB PROJECT

Miss Teen South Carolina to oversee Reform Pittsburgh's education, communication initiatives

SEN. CRAIG SAYS HIS FOOT-TAPPING WAS MISCONSTRUED: 'I'VE GOT THE MUSIC IN ME'

DEMOCRATIC OFFICES RAIDED IN HARRISBURG

Former representative Mike Veon is shocked, shocked to learn that state employees may have been working on political campaigns

BOB NUTTING HAS HIS LIKENESS MINTED ONTO GOLD COINS

ZEALOUS CLEANING LADY SCRUBS DIRTY BRICKS ON CATHEDRAL OF LEARNING

Then moves inside, gets rid of "all that clutter" in the Nationality Rooms

WHEN WATER MAIN BROKE, CITY OFFICIALS COULDN'T FIND RAVENSTAHL

"The Steelers were out of town," said Chief of Staff Yarone Zober, "so we didn't know where to look."

RADICAL WING OF BARBIE DOLLS SAYS MATTEL’S RECALL OF THEM IS DISCRIMINATORY

"KEN DOLLS SHOULD ALSO BE RECALLED," THEY CLAIM, "DUE TO "THE MOST GLARING DEFECT OF ALL -- THEY DON'T HAVE VAGINAS"; KEN DOLLS RESPOND, "WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING"

TOP GOP OFFICIALS WORRY THAT SEN. LARRY CRAIG'S SEAT IN IDAHO MAY NOT BE SAFE

SEN. CRAIG RESIGNS, BUSH OFFERS HIM CABINET LEVEL POSITION AS SECRETARY OF THE DEPT. OF INTERIOR DESIGN

MICHAEL VICK'S PROBLEMS GO BACK TO HIS CHILDHOOD

My dog ate my homework.
Then I electrocuted him.

STUDY: PITTSBURGH LAGS NATIONAL INCOME, LEADS WITH DIABETES

Economists puzzled about where Pittsburghers are getting the money to buy unhealthy food.


“I’m stumped.” -- PNC Chief Economist Stuart Hoffman

TINACTIN INTRODUCES “STOP ITCHIN” T-SHIRTS FOR INNER-CITY MARKETS; SPOKESPERSON SAYS RESEMBLANCE TO POPULAR “STOP SNITCHIN” T-SHIRT COINCIDENTAL

NEW YORK - Tinactin, maker of products designed to treat a variety of painful skin disorders, is introducing a new t-shirt warning people to “stop itchin.”

The slogan is a carefully chosen adaptation of the phrase “stop snitchin,” popular in many communities suffering from violent crime and fractious relations with law enforcement. John Madden, spokesman for Tinactin, said the company does not endorse withholding cooperation with police if you are a witness to, victim or perpetrator of a criminal act. “We’re not telling a brother to stop snitchin, y’all. We’re telling him to stop itchin. You see the difference?”

He added that the t-shirts were designed to raise community awareness of the scourge of athletes foot, and jock itch, which have risen to n early epidemic proportions among young, physically active males. “We are saying STOP THE BURNIN! STOP THE CHAFIN! We want to stop these problems before they start, and that’s why we’re pushing these shirts. We need to get the message out there.” To give the shirts an added street credibility, Tinactin has obtained several impressive sponsors. Effective September 1, 2007, Tinactin is the official provider of anti-fungal relief to the Bloods and the Crips. Madden said there is a possibility of adding one more homicidal gang to the fast actin’ Tinactin team. “We’re in the early stages of negotiations with the Aryan Brotherhood, and we are confident we’ll have something in place with them by the first of the year.”

DESPITE COMPLAINTS, GIULIANI WILL PARTICIPATE IN 9/11 MEMORIAL EVENT

Former mayor plans to hang out with reporters while city employees do all the work, then step up and take most of the credit in the end; "It worked pretty well for him in the past," a campaign spokesman said.

BOYS' LAGGING READING SKILLS GIVEN JUMP-START WITH 'PENTHOUSE FOR BOYS'

Study after study shows boys aren't reading as well as girls. Rita Swayne, a University of Pittsburgh education professor who specializes in reading, said schools need to offer boys reading material with content aimed at grabbing their interests. "That means they need to be given material about sports and sex," she said.

Penthouse Media Group, Inc. to the rescue. The publishing giant is launching Penthouse for Boys, featuring "the same kinds of stories and pictures that appeal to the boys' fathers" in the publisher's flagship publication Penthouse. Bob Guccione is coming out of retirement to spearhead the project.

"We're doing this as a service to our young people," Guccione said. "After all, they are our future. And, yes, to answer boys' big question, there will be female genitalia galore," said Guccione. "But no penetration, and absolutely no erect penises. Our studies show boys don't want to see that."

Guccione said that the magazine will only be available to boys 12 and older. "After all, I have my standards."

A CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: TWO YEARS AGO TODAY

A CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL FLASHBACK: TWO YEARS AGO TODAY

MARTHA STEWART REMOVES ELECTRONIC MONITORING BRACELET, NEW ORLEANS' LEVEES IMMEDIATELY BURST

"MS. STEWART HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR," SAYS BIG EASY MAYOR; CITY GOES TO "PLAN B" -- VENICE THEME WITH SINGING GONDOLIERS

NEW ORLEANS - For as long as anyone can remember, the thing New Orleans dreaded most was the possibility that its famous levees would break, spilling deadly floodwaters into this city of half a million people that sits below sea level.

That very thing occurred yesterday, one day after New Orleans thought it had escaped catastrophic damage from Hurricane Katrina, causing floodwaters to cover 80% of the city, in some places 20 feet deep. The levees burst within seconds after domestic TV diva and convicted felon Martha Stewart removed the electronic monitoring bracelet that insured her confinement to her 153 acre Westchester County, New York estate.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin insists there was a connection. "I don't know the exact science involved, but Ms. Stewart has a lot to answer for," he said.

The Mayor also said that the Big Easy must look ahead now, and announced what he called "Plan B." At an outdoor press conference near the levee that burst packed with reporters from around the world, Nagin unveiled an artist's rendering of his vision for the new New Orleans, a plan that would turn the flooded city into "a kind of Creole Venice" replete with singing gondoliers and a miniature Piazza San Marco.

"It's quite a coincidence, but I was just saying the other day that the only thing New Orleans has lacked all these years was torrents of flood waters cascading through our streets," the Mayor said. "Well, mirabile dictu, now Venice has nothing that New Orleans doesn't have." The Mayor explained that the city will immediately proceed to "turn the decadent French Quarter into a decadent Italian Quarter. The only difference between New Orleans and Venice will be that our gondoliers will bathe on a regular basis."

The Mayor added that "we should have breached the levees years ago," as he stretched out his body atop a section of the failed floodwall to prevent the Army Corps of Engineers from dropping bags of sand and stones to fill the gap created by the breach.

The Mayor also revealed that he turned down a request from New Orleans icon and rock 'n roll legend Fats Domino to act as a human plug at the site of the breach.

The Mayor ended the press conference by issuing the following proclamation: "I will close the city for three months to carry out the conversion [to Venice], and when we reopen, rest assured New Orleans will maintain its distinctive identity. Most important, during the holy celebration of Mardi Gras, New Orleans will still welcome and embrace those fetching, inebriated college lasses who will still lift their tops to thrill and delight oversexed and inebriated college lads in exchange for worthless beads. Only from now on, they shall perform this sublime act from spanking new gondolas. And so, with one voice, New Orleans will once more say to the world, 'let the good times roll!'"