Mayor Luke Ravenstahl arrived at Thursday's debate dressed in a Halloween costume. His Republican opponent Mark DeSantis also arrived in costume, dressed as a grownup.
BELOVED CARTOON CHARACTER WOODY WOODPECKER TO GET NAME CHANGE TO REFLECT ADVANCED YEARS
New name will be Woody Limp Pecker
EXHUME ONE FOR THE GIPPER
TRAVERSE CITY, Michigan -- In a move that some are calling desperate, the Notre Dame football team has exhumed the body of George Gipp who died in 1920. Notre Dame has lost four of its first five games, one of its worst starts in decades.
“We had to do something,” Notre Dame President Rev. John Jenkins declared, “Win one for the Gipper isn’t enough anymore - we really need Gipp to play.” The legendary football player is expected to play in the offensive and defensive backfields this Saturday when the Fighting Irish take on Boston College.
An ESPN crew filmed the exhumation as a pilot for a new series on the network. “We’re always looking for something new,” said ESPN producer Bradleys Roadhouse, “Well, Gipp isn’t new, of course, but the idea of digging someone up for sport is.”
Rob “Little Gipper” Gipp, a distant cousin of George Gipp who lives in a nearby town, told The New York Times he watched the exhumation and described it as "a desecration."
"The camera angles were all wrong,” he said, “That [ESPN cameraman] was aiming at the ground most of the time. Not one shot of the casket or what was inside.”
Fr. Jenkins declined to comment on whether the university will exhume Knute Rockne, the former Notre Dame coach who died in 1931. "We'll make a decision on the coaching situation after the football season ends," Jenkins said.
POST-GAZETTE ENDORSES RAVENSTAHL FOR MAYOR, CITES BIBLE FOR JUSTIFICATION
A reading from the Gospel According to Luke: A certain city had two sons, and the younger son strayed far from the city and wasted his substance on dissolute and riotous living. He fought police officers, was handcuffed, then denied it; he accepted lavish gifts from companies seeking concessions from the city, and refused to admit it; he used a federal intelligence vehicle to impress his young friends, then justified his recklessness on youth and vowed to continue it; and he was more interested in meeting celebrities than the disadvantaged for whom he was charged with caring, often skipping out on meetings with minorities and women, and lying about it.
And when he had spent all, he felt empty, and he realized the general election was less than a month away, and he began to long to be in the city's good graces again. "I will arise and go to the Post-Gazette's editorial board, and will say unto them, 'Fathers, and the one woman on that board, I have sinned against heaven, the city of Pittsburgh and thee, and I am not worthy to be called thy son. Make me as one of thy hired servants."
So he rose and came to the editorial board. But when he was yet a great way off, Tom Waseleski, the editorial page editor, saw him, and had compassion. The younger son ran toward him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him: "Father, I have sinned against heaven, the city of Pittsburgh and thee --." But Waseleski interrupted him and said to his servants, "Bring forth the finest robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry, for this our son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found."
And they began to be merry. Now the city's older son was in the field, running a small company called Formation3 LLC, and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant. And the servant said unto him, "Thy brother is come; and the editorial board hath killed the fatted calf." And the older son was angry, and would not go in, so Waseleski came out, and entreated him. And the older son said, "Lo, these many years do I serve thee, Pittsburgh, and yet thou never gavest me a fatted calf that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this thy younger son was come, who hath devoured the city's riches with dissolute living, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf."
And Waseleski said unto him, "Son, thou art ever with me, but we must make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And it is for this reason that the Post-Gazette endorses him, and not you." Waseleski put his arm on his shoulder. "After all," he explained, "this is the Gospel according to Luke, not the Gospel according to Mark."
Glitch hits WPXI's new studio on ribbon-cutting day
Circuit breakers at new location unable to handle power needs of David Johnson's blow dryer
SOCIALIST MAYORAL CANDIDATE RYAN SCOTT SUPPORTS THE RIGHTS OF ALL COUNTRIES TO DEVELOP NUCLEAR ENERGY
PROPOSES HOMES OF SQUIRREL HILL'S BOURGEOIS ELITE BE USED AS STORAGE FACILITIES FOR WORLD'S NUCLEAR WASTE. "IT'S ONLY FAIR," SAID THE MEAT-PACKING MARXIST. "BESIDES, MY CANDIDACY IS ONE OF BEING IN HARMONY WITH NATURE AND STUFF LIKE THAT."
STEELERS TO BRING BACK MALE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
“We wanted to do something for our loyal female fans,” team president Art Rooney says. “But since Steely McBeam got such a negative reaction, we’re not going to use steelworkers for the squad.”SOUTH SIDE --- The Steelers are returning to their roots for their 75th anniversary, announcing today that a male cheerleading squad will make its debut at the next Steelers home game. The team had a male cheerleading squad called the Ingots in 1962, but it was disbanded after only one year.
The squad will be simply called The Men, a reference to Coach Mike Tomlin’s frequent use of “men” and “the men” for the current team. But don’t look for any steelworkers to be gyrating on the sidelines.
“With all due respect to our city’s heritage, the image of the steelworker is passé,” team president Arthur Rooney II said. “We’re going to assemble a squad of iconic men that represent the Pittsburgh of today. Each man in The Men will have his own costume and persona. It’ll be sort of like The Village People, but without the overtly gay references.”
Rooney said the five characters will be:
- The Mayor, complete with briefcase and a “Party On, Dude” t-shirt. The Mayor character will also be responsible for driving the squad’s SUV to games, concerts and bars.
- The Nerdy but Sweet Computer Geek. Steelers officials hope to cast a real Carnegie Mellon student or professor for this role.
- The Strong Safety with Hair with Long, Flowing Hair. “Troy [Polamalu] offered to play this role while the offense was on the field, but Dick LeBeau nixed it,” Rooney said. “Plus he was injured in the game with Arizona, so that probably would have affected his dance moves.”
- The Hostess Ho Ho Delivery Guy. The character will launch Ho Ho’s, Pittsburgh’s favorite treat, into the crowd. “We’re having a little trouble modifying hot dog launchers,” Rooney said. “The Ho Ho’s are shattering into little pieces of foil, cake, and cream. We’ll get it fixed, though. I think we just need to adjust the air pressure of the cannons.”
- Jackson the Elephant, well-known stud, by special arrangement with the Pittsburgh Zoo.
Local Evangelical woman mistakes the onset of menopause for The Rapture
PITTSBURGH - Dolores Hughes, a 50-year-old local housewife, began to feel the symptoms of the onset of menopause this week. But more distressing to her family is her belief that her hot-flashes and night sweats are really the hand of God touching her, known as the Rapture.“I always prayed to experience a mystical union with the Lord. And now it is beginning!” she said.
As an Evangelical, Hughes believes that the Rapture is an event whereby God takes a select group of faithful Christians out of the world before the Tribulation.
Her 23-year-old daughter, Sarah, however, insisted she go to her OB-GYN. “I’m like, ‘Mom, just go to the doctor and tell him your symptoms!’ But she just kept looking out the window, waiting for angels to arrive,” she said.
Sarah finally convinced her mother to make an appointment. However, her doctor, William Casey, had similar results when discussing the issue with her.
“I tried to explain to Mrs. Hughes that menopause is natural and results from a woman’s ovaries ceasing to produce eggs, thus ending her menstruation,” Dr. Casey said. “But she just kept telling me that it’s not too late for me to be saved. I offered to prescribe her hormones but she said she’d soon be free of her earthly body.”
Her family reports that a similar incident occurred last summer when she thought the Apocalypse had begun, only to find out later it was just fireworks night at PNC Park.
MAYOR BURSTS INTO HYSTERICAL SOBBING AT DEBATE
PITTSBURGH - Hunched over a pool of sweat, his pants caked with feces, a terrified Mayor Luke Ravenstahl burst into tears at last night's mayoral debate when Republican challenger Mark DeSantis passionately declared that the occupant of the mayor's office must exercise maturity and sound judgment and avoid bad behavior at all times. Sobbing over a thunderous ovation, the 27-year-old Ravenstahl cried out, "I know, I know! I'm an irresponsible little shit! I am so sorry! I am so, so sorry."
The 90 minute debate at the Senator John Heinz History Center was conducted by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's editorial board. DeSantis started off by noting that his old boss, Senator Heinz, would have been uncomfortable knowing that the building they were in was named after him. Ravenstahl snidely muttered, "I notice Senator Heinz didn't mind stealing the name of the famous ketchup." When it was his turn to speak, Ravenstahl graciously thanked his opponents, including Socialist candidate Ryan Scott, 24, and Liberterian candidate Tony Oliva, 28. Throughout the debate, Ravenstahl repeatedly referred to Oliva as "grandpa."
DeSantis scored points in every round of the debate, prompting moderator Tom Waseleski to whisper to his Post-Gazette colleagues, "It's a shame we're precluded by law from endorsing him." The panel members turned off their microphones and briefly debated the legality of endorsing a Republican. The question was tabled pending legal review.
Panelist Reg Henry, speaking in a peculiar fake Australian accent, lobbed the most challenging question of the evening: "If a woman in Carrick traveling at 20 miles an hour, and a man in Brookline traveling at 15 miles an hour, both left their homes at the same time, which one gets to the U.S. Steel Tower first?" Mayor Ravenstahl responded that the important thing is they are both moving forward under his administration.
Following the debate, Ravenstahl, Scott and Oliva were overheard discussing issues of paramount importance to men of their age group, including Halo 3 and Playboy's Playmate for October, Spencer Scott.
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL INTERCEPTS SECRET STEELERS MEMO: DAN ROONEY TELLS TOMLIN ‘MAKE IT INTERESTING’ FOR THE FANS -- LOSE SOME
“September 1, 2007: Mike, we don’t want to coast through season undefeated. Our fans bore easily. Can't afford them going to movies or mall Sunday afternoons -- we’ll lose revenue. Make season interesting for fans -- hold some guys out of upcoming games to create intrigue. Troy and Hines are good at gimping for media. Mike, feel free to blow a game here and there, but don’t go overboard like Cowher did -- ha, ha! Make playoffs, but just barely. Final point: Say things at weekly press conference that guys on DVE can use for comedy routines. I'm hoping they make you ‘sheriff’ or something – ha, ha! Dan and Art"
LOCAL MAN INCENSED THAT GIANT EAGLE REFUSED TO GIVE HIM CHANGE FOR $1 MILLION BILL
Grocery behemoth "callously" refuses to break bill until man buys pack of gum.
LOCAL MAN WANTS TO JOIN 'BODIES' EXHIBIT
HE CHANGES WILL TO INSURE HE'LL BE DISPLAYED
"Upon my death, I direct my executor to delivery my body to any organization that will transport it around the world with the goal of displaying it without either clothing nor dignity. Further, my executor shall insure that such organization will pose my body so that it appears I am participating in various sporting activities. At all pertinent times, my genitalia must be clearly visible for complete strangers to gawk at. The display of my body in this salacious manner must be characterized as 'science' to feign respectability."
"Upon my death, I direct my executor to delivery my body to any organization that will transport it around the world with the goal of displaying it without either clothing nor dignity. Further, my executor shall insure that such organization will pose my body so that it appears I am participating in various sporting activities. At all pertinent times, my genitalia must be clearly visible for complete strangers to gawk at. The display of my body in this salacious manner must be characterized as 'science' to feign respectability."
RECORD CROWD PARTICIPATES IN LAWRENCEVILLE WEED AND SEED PROGRAM AS PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL LEAVES OUT ‘AND SEED’
Potheads, deadheads take over neighborhood. Meteorologist says ‘cloud‘ should dissipate in a few days.
SCENES YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED FROM AROUND THE 'BURGH
As part of an ongoing initiative by the mayor's office to give Pittsburgh a more 'hip' image, Mayor Ravenstahl fires the ceremonial first bong to start The Great Race.
Pittsburgh Bishop David Zubik consoles Seattle coach Mike Holmgren after the Seahawk's loss to the Steelers on Sunday. "You guys really bit the big one today, didn't you?"
ANTIQUE ROADSHOW COMES TO PITTSBURGH, LEADING APPRAISER SAYS CITY WOULD ONLY FETCH $3,000 AT AUCTION
“People have done such a lousy job of trying to restore it over the years that they’ve ruined it.” Simon Booty, ASA
Luke-Speak Deciphered!
Joint Venture Between Pittsburgh Media And CMU Produces "RaVinci Decoder"
PITTSBURGH - After struggling through one year of covering Mayor Luke Ravenstahl without understanding one word of what he's said, Pittsburgh's news media turned in desperation to Carnegie Mellon's Supercomputing Center for an answer. In an unprecedented display of cooperation and unity, all television, radio and print media outlets banded together to foot the bill for the venture.
"It was quite an undertaking," said head programmer Kevin Brownley. "In no time flat we cracked what turned out to be the top layer of code. Our elation was short-lived, however, as we realized there were multiple layers of messages in the same text. The guy is actually quite brilliant."
Asked for an example of the multi-layer code, Kevin cited the following sentence:
"Myself and everybody else that was in the front of the line at that point simply had no control over our bodies or anything. We couldn't control ourselves because of the force from behind."
Kevin explained that the top layer code revealed the following translation: "I did not shove the policeman at Heinz Field. I was propelled into him by the force of the crowd behind me."
Kevin further explained that "if you remove all spacing and punctuation, re-order the letters in a backward sequence, repeat the letter sequence until a 12 x 12 line matrix is filled and then select letters using a modified Fibonacci Series, this message can be found in the same sentence: 'Screw you all.'"
"Amazing" said a spokesperson for the media outlets. "We never knew the kid had such depth!"
"It was quite an undertaking," said head programmer Kevin Brownley. "In no time flat we cracked what turned out to be the top layer of code. Our elation was short-lived, however, as we realized there were multiple layers of messages in the same text. The guy is actually quite brilliant."
Asked for an example of the multi-layer code, Kevin cited the following sentence:
"Myself and everybody else that was in the front of the line at that point simply had no control over our bodies or anything. We couldn't control ourselves because of the force from behind."
Kevin explained that the top layer code revealed the following translation: "I did not shove the policeman at Heinz Field. I was propelled into him by the force of the crowd behind me."
Kevin further explained that "if you remove all spacing and punctuation, re-order the letters in a backward sequence, repeat the letter sequence until a 12 x 12 line matrix is filled and then select letters using a modified Fibonacci Series, this message can be found in the same sentence: 'Screw you all.'"
"Amazing" said a spokesperson for the media outlets. "We never knew the kid had such depth!"
TRACY FIRED OVER GROOMING ISSUES
A disappointed Jim Tracy vows to assemble a new crew and take back "The Black Pearl." The Pirates refuse to respond, explaining the ballclub has adopted a "colorblind" policy.
BUSH DEFENDS U.S. INTERROGATION METHODS, REFUSES TO LET REPORTERS INTERROGATE HIM ABOUT IT
President claims reporters' questions are "painful and unfair"
BURYING THE HATCHET
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl secures the endorsement of Democratic challenger Bill Peduto for the general election
WECHT BANNED FROM NEW DOWNTOWN RESTAURANT
Capital Grille manager Jack Crawford says former county coroner "really freaked people out" when he placed a human heart on his plate, then ordered "some fava beans and a nice chianti"
WECHT BANNED FROM CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER
Former county coroner caught fondling the buttocks of one of the bodies
CHUCK NOLL BERATES MIKE HOLGREM FOR GOING FOR TOUCHDOWN AT END OF FIRST HALF
Hall of Fame Coach, in a rare appearance, says "Never take points off the board."
DANNY MURTAUGH, DEAD SINCE 1976, NAMED PIRATES' MANAGER
LATEST STINT MARKS FIFTH TIME "IRISHMAN" CALLED UPON TO SAVE THE TEAMPITTSBURGH - Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington today named Danny Murtaugh the team's manager after firing Jim Tracy. Murtaugh previously managed the Pirates four separate times before his death, guiding them to World Series championships in 1960 and 1971.
"When I looked at the history of this organization," Huntington explained, "it always came back to Danny. He's the 'go-to' guy whenever this team is in trouble."
Huntington dismissed concerns that Murtaugh won't be able to manage due to his death. "Danny has repeatedly exhibited a penchant for coming back after suffering even severe health problems," he explained. "I have every confidence he'll do the same thing this time."
Calls to Murtaugh were not immediately returned.
PIRATES NAME ZOMBIE FILMAKER GEORGE ROMERO NEW MANAGER
TEAM CITES CULT DIRECTOR'S PROVEN TRACK RECORD FOR RAISING THE DEAD
NEW RESEARCH SUGGESTS GEORGE WASHINGTON INAPPROPRIATELY COMMANDEERED BOAT AT MCKONKEY'S FERRY FROM HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT
DESCENDANTS OF JAMES MADISON, WHO CROSSED DELAWARE WITH WASHINGTON, FIND OLD JOURNAL IN WHICH FUTURE PRESIDENT MADISON WRITES OF 'HASTY PUDDING STAINS' CARELESSLY LEFT BY 'AN EGOTIST WHO HAD NO BUSINESS ON THAT BOAT IN THE FIRST PLACE'
YUKONGATE BLOWS WIDE OPEN
Ravenstahl admits to riding a Yukon, says he and Yukon met in an airport restroom stall after exchanging secret footshakes
‘FIRE TOMLIN!’ WEBSITE DEBUTS
'We've suffered enough' is the Mission Statement, site gets 100,000 hits in first three hours
CHILDREN OF OBSERVATORY HILL TOLD THEY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO TRICK OR TREAT ON SAME STREET AS MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL AT SAME TIME
NEIGHBORHOOD BLOCK PARENT EXPLAINS TO KIDS THAT MAYOR DOES NOT WANT TO ENGAGE IN COMPETITION FOR CANDY IN HIS OWN NEIGHBORHOOD, AND DEMANDS 'FIRST DIBS ON BUTTERFINGERS'
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