OBAMA THE FRONTRUNNER TO REPLACE CASTRO
Illinois Senator deflects criticism that his Cuban candidacy is un-American:"Condemn me. It does not matter. History will absolve me."
SCHOOL CHIEF TO DISPOSE OF RANCID BEEF BY ADDING IT TO PIRATES ROSTER
The U.S. Department of Agriculture ordered the Pittsburgh Public Schools to dispose of 8,500 pounds of tainted beef from a Chino, Calif., slaughterhouse by taking it to a landfill or adding it to the Pirates' roster.School Superintendent Mark Roosevelt said he chose the second option in an effort to improve the Pirates' chances in 2008.
"I think the fans will notice a big difference on the field," said Roosevelt. "The odor will be about the same, but the team is definitely improved with the tainted beef on the roster."
HILL DISTRICT GROUP PROTESTS CURTO PARK NAMING RIGHTS DEAL
One Hill Coalition wants benefits, not burgers, from McDonald's
PITTSBURGH -- A Hill District group is urging Mayor Ravenstahl and the McDonald's Corporation to return to the bargaining table to help complete a deal for a community benefits agreement related to the renaming of Frank Curto Park.
The One Hill Coalition sent a letter to Mayor Ravenstahl and to McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner yesterday, just hours after the pair announced a deal for $5 million in cash and three new McDonald's restaurants in the Hill to rename the Bigelow Boulevard park, "Extra Value Meal Overlook." Those terms, One Hill Coalition leaders say, don't do nearly enough to benefit the residents of the Hill District.
"We're hungry for more than just hamburgers," said an angry Carl Redwood, Chairman of the One Hill group. "We're hungry for community benefits! And they'd better be supersized!"
Just before a member of his entourage set fire to a handful of McDonald's hamburger wrappers, Mr. Redwood noted that Frank Curto Park sits below the Hill District, and that "it even sits atop a Hill of its own," so the city has a moral and spiritual obligation to provide more than "vague promises and a couple of Uncle-Tom-and-Ronald fast food joints" to the members of his historic community.
"Three new Mickey D's won't undo the damage done by the Civic Arena," Mr. Redwood said. "If we don't get more than that -- a whole lot more -- then we'll make sure this project is the biggest mistake McDonald's has made since the McLean Deluxe!"
Mr. Redwood would not elaborate on that statement, but Hill District activist Kimberly Ellis volunteered that lawsuits, protests, sit-ins, and promises to eat only at Burger King and Steak 'n Shake were "all on the table, 'cause nobody puts baby in a corner, and we won't repeat the defeat!"
No one was immediately available to translate her remarks.
Mayor Ravenstahl, who was flying to New York City on Ronald McDonald's private jet, could not be reached for comment. Mr. Ravenstahl's Press Secretary, Alecia Sirk, said, "those One Hill people like, really need to chill, you know? Somebody oughta buy 'em a big milkshake, and remind 'em that Big Macs have been around a lot longer than the stupid Hill District."
A copy of the letter sent to Mayor Ravenstahl and Mr. Skinner, obtained by the Carbolic Smoke Ball, revealed that One Hill leaders are demanding at least two more McDonald's restaurants, 135% of all the jobs they create, first dibs on all Happy Meal Toys, a statue of August Wilson eating a cheeseburger, and an assurance that the Extra Value Meal Overlook's new milkshake sculpture will be chocolate, not vanilla.
FORMER PRES. BUSH ENDORSES McCAIN, ADMITS 'I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS 8 YEARS AGO'
Elder Bush says he "just might" adopt Arizona Senator
OBAMA DENIES PLAGIARISM CHARGES
"Mistakes were made," the Illinois Senator said, "but I am not a crook."
Top "Go-fer" Work Performed by Cyril Wecht's Deputy Coroners
10. Write unwarranted, irate letters to citizens
9. Write unwarranted, irate letters to the editor
8. Polish innumerable diplomas
7. Remind coroner to mention innumerable diplomas6. Remind coroner to fake smile on national TV
5. Concoct bizarre Nazi analogies for anti-Semitism claims
4. Keep all mirrors in the office nice and clean
3. Scour thesaurus for really big words
2. Oversee Jon Benet Ramsey memorabilia
1. Peddle alien autopsy service in Intergalactic Pennysaver
9. Write unwarranted, irate letters to the editor
8. Polish innumerable diplomas
7. Remind coroner to mention innumerable diplomas6. Remind coroner to fake smile on national TV
5. Concoct bizarre Nazi analogies for anti-Semitism claims
4. Keep all mirrors in the office nice and clean
3. Scour thesaurus for really big words
2. Oversee Jon Benet Ramsey memorabilia
1. Peddle alien autopsy service in Intergalactic Pennysaver
McDONALD'S BUYS NAMING RIGHTS TO FRANK CURTO PARK
Big Mac, milkshake installations to join existing french fries sculpture PITTSBURGH — Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that the city of Pittsburgh has sold the naming rights for Frank Curto Park to the McDonald’s Corporation. Under the terms of the deal, which will bring $5 million to the city’s coffers and at least three new McDonald’s restaurants to the Hill District, the popular Bigelow Boulevard park will be renamed Extra Value Meal Overlook.
“Myself and [URA Director] Pat Ford worked long and hard on this deal,” Mayor Ravenstahl said, “and we think, personally, that as far as we’re concerned, it’s going to be a real win-win for the city going forward.”
McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner said the park was an obvious choice for his company’s first foray into public naming rights because the spot boasts “a great view, gets plenty of traffic, and has a lot of potential for artistic and commercial synergies.”
Mr. Skinner added that the park’s popular french fries sculpture, to which a Big Mac and milkshake will soon be added, made the property even more attractive to his company.
“When we saw that space,” he said, “we just couldn’t wait to Supersize it.”
CARBOLIC SOCIETY SCENE
Jerome Bettis, Hilda and Dr. Freddie Fu, and Henry and Elsie Hillman work the floor at the First Annual UPMC Monster Truck Rally and Charity Cotillion. The event raised $50,000 for underprivileged children and $3 million for UPMC executives.
FONZIE ENDORSES HILARY CLINTON IN WISCONSIN PRIMARY; FORMER GREASE MONKEY, MILWAUKEE MAYOR SAYS FIRST LADY IS HIS CHOICE FOR PRESIDENT
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin - Arthur Fonzarelli, world-famous auto mechanic and former mayor of this historic city, threw his considerable cool behind the presidential bid of former first lady Hilary Clinton.
Appearing on stage with Senator Clinton at a rally in Madison, the man known as “the Fonz” mesmerized the crowd with a stirring recitation of the candidate’s virtues. Wearing his trademark leather jacket and a fifteen inch pompadour, Fonzarelli summoned the Senator to his side by extending his left arm and snapping his finger. When a reporter suggested that the Senator’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, doesn’t get that prompt of a response, Fonzarelli stuck both hands in his pockets and emitted a long, slow, “aaaaaayyyyyyy.” He quickly offered his own explanation. “That’s because he’s a nerd.”
Fonzarelli told Clinton supporters that the Senator “was sexier than the Hooper triplets,” and that she “reminded him of Pinky.” Mr. Fonzarelli was referring to his former wife, stock-car racing champion Pinky Tuscadero, who was killed when the Chevy Corvair she was driving exploded in 1967 after being rear-ended by hardware store magnate Howard Cunningham. “She’s my kind of chick, and she should be your kind of chick, too.” He added that the two of them had spent the past evening up at Inspiration Point “and believe me, the Senator knows how to get things done.” That comment prompted a loud series of “whooooossss” from the crowd. The Wisconsin primary is Tuesday.
MAYOR RECEIVES 160 VALENTINES FROM CITY RESIDENTS, 260 FROM CHIEF OF STAFF
Each one from Yarone Zober bears same inscription: "I love you even more than Bob. And Jim."
ONE OF THESE DAYS IS NOW
NASA TO BLAST MUMMIFIED REMAINS OF AUDREY MEADOWS IN TO SPACE, ASTRONAUTS TO RE-BURY HONEYMOONERS ACTRESS ON THE MOON
TOMLIN APOLOGIZES TO WIFE FOR SUB-PAR VALENTINES DAY PERFORMANCE; FAILURE TO EXECUTE TABLE-SIDE DESSERT CREATION CALLED “UNACCEPTABLE”
PITTSBURGH - Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, who celebrated his initial Valentines Day in the city by presenting his wife with a bouquet of flowers and preparing a delicious candlelight dinner, said he remained unsatisfied with his performance. Tomlin made the remarks in a post-Valentines Day meeting with reporters. “Certainly, expectations are high. I understand that, and I embrace it. Overall, I did a lot of good things last night. My filet was done perfectly. Wine selection was anything but predictable, and kept the other side off-balance, which, when you factor in the fresh-cut flowers, finally put me over the top.”
Still, the Coach said it was imperative he do a better job of scoring earlier, and more often. He cited one area of concern that needs to be addressed. “My bananas foster was unacceptable,” he said. “In terms of execution, I’ve got to do a better job of coming through late in the meal. But I will make the necessary adjustments, and continue to move forward with this process.”
Tomlin said lack of preparation wasn’t the problem. “I had a good week of practice. I knew what to expect going in. There were no surprises.” He said an inability to recognize the coverage of the rum sauce over the ice cream was the primary reason he came up short on dessert. Asked if he would call that a “rookie mistake,” Tomlin didn’t crack a smile. “Call it what you like. I’m not going to make any excuses.”
KDKA DISMISSES METEOROLOGIST FOR FOAMING AT THE MOUTH ON THE AIR
JEFF VERSZYLA APOLOGIZES, SAYS WINTER STORM, SCHOOL CLOSINGS AND DELAYS “SENT HIM TO THE EDGE OF MADNESS”
ASK THE JUDGE
Dear Judge: I’m 18 and am dating a girl I really like. I think tomorrow might be the big night (if you know what I mean), but I’m inexperienced. Any suggestions?-- Bob from Brentwood
Dear Bob: You’ve come to the right place. First, it always helps if you arrive at the date sweating profusely. Women love man-smell – “Olor de hombre” they call it.
Next, no wasting time buying her dinner. If she says she’s hungry, tell her you’ve got a headache. That always works for them, so it’s about time we borrow it.
When you get her alone, you want to show her how efficient you can be, so no dallying. Speed is key. Afterwards, never linger at the scene of the crime. Get the hell out of there fast. Good luck!
To Timmy from Pleasant Hills: If she didn’t consent in writing, it’s rape. That’s the new law. You’re going away for a long time.
BLACK HISTORY MONTH GALA CELEBRATES THIRTY-TWO YEAR HISTORY OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH GALAS
“A party – now you're talking! We should have thought of this years ago.”
POWER PROBLEM CLOSES COURTHOUSE, INTERRUPTS WECHT TRIAL
Indicted former coroner accuses Duquesne Light of anti-semitism
REGION RUNS OUT OF TOILET TISSUE, WINTER STORM BLAMED; ONORATO URGES CITIZENS TO REMAIN CALM, HOLD BOWELS
Abominable driving conditions vex Pittsburgh's roadways
Channel 2 says naked man's genitals are 'naturally pixilated'
PITTSBURGH (KDKA) ― A newswoman for KDKA-TV insists that the tape it showed last weekend of an unclothed, injured man running through traffic along Banksville Road during a snow squall was not pixilated to obscure his genitals, even though that's how it appeared.
"It was the damnedest thing," said weekend anchor Stephanie Watson. "We did nothing to that tape. His entire body from head to toe looks completely normal, except his genitals are blurry. I know it sounds incredible but his penis has a markedly lower resolution than the rest of his body, so, yes, it appears as if it's pixilated. I and the other women at the station examined it closely."
Authorities identified the man as 27-year-old Andrew Croulet of Brookline. He was taken to a local hospital and treated for hypothermia and acute pixilation of the genitalia. Given the cold weather, Pittsburgh Police called in former UN arms inspector Hans Blix to try to find the man's penis.
LATEST SCHOOL CLOSINGS AND DELAYS
*Khomeini School For The Performing Arts – CLOSED
*Al-Sadr Young Martyrs Academy – CLOSED
*Ahmadinejad Middle School – CLOSED
*Taliban School of Dance – CLOSED
*Sunni Insurgency Suicide Bombings – TWO HOUR DELAY, TEN O’CLOCK START
*Bodega Bay Elementary School – CLOSED DUE TO BIRD ATTACK
ANOTHER WORKER FREEZES TO DEATH ON SMOKE BREAK
PITTSBURGH - Bradleys Roadhouse, 61, became the first local smoker of the season to freeze to death on smoke break yesterday. Roadhouse, a paralegal with a Pittsburgh law firm, died of frostbite while standing outside the Gulf Tower trying to sneak a few puffs of nicotine on a "smoke break." Statistically more dangerous than lung cancer or any of the other diseases associated with smoking, "freezing-to-death-on-smoke-break" has become a national epidemic.
"I can't tell you how many blue employees I've carried back into the office, frozen like popsicles," said Hadley V. Baxendale, Managing Partner of Roadhouse's firm, Peckham, Knox & Baxendale in the Gulf Tower. "Unfortunately, we got to this one [victim] too late."
COMMENTARY: CHICKEN 'PENNDOT' LITTLE UNNECESSARILY CLOSES BIRMINGHAM BRIDGE
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COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - PennDOT, acting more like Chicken Little than a responsible arm of state government, has ordered the "emergency" closure of the Birmingham Bridge, supposedly due to an unexplained drop of up to 8 inches in a portion of the span over the Monongahela River. Although PennDOT isn't saying it, it is strongly implying that if the bridge isn't fixed, it might collapse.The closure is severely impacting South Side restaurants, but the gastronomical delights of Western Pennsylvania citizenry aren't PennDOT's concern. Making itself look important is.
Frankly, from the way they're talking, it sounds as if the PennDOT engineers never had a bridge give out from under them.
While 8 inches is a huge, vast, enormous distance when it comes to human matters, thank you very much, it is nothing in terms of a bridge. That didn't stop the PennDOT engineers from sprinkling their announcement about the closure with all sorts of pseudo-intellectual, scary engineer lingo that's supposed to make us forget that every one of these guys tried, to no avail, to get into medical school. According to PennDOT, a girder supporting the approach span of the bridge has slipped off a "rocker bearing." PennDOT said that this caused the bridge to fall 7-3/4 inches. Rocker bearings, according to PennDOT, are supposed to move slightly in response to changes in the weather but, according to PennDOT, rocker bearings are not supposed to slide and drop completely.
On and on PennDOT blathered, one twisted assertion cascaded upon the next until they collapsed upon each other to reveal a Rorschach inkblot of acute hysteria.
But objective analysis, not histrionics, is what is lacking here. I'm no engineer but bridges crack, decay, list and, yes, collapse, all the time. The mere fact that virtually all such bridges where these things occur are significantly older than the Birmingham Bridge is completely beside the point. And yes, if the bridge collapsed, it might kill someone. But it hasn't happened yet, has it?
If the killjoys at PennDOT had not forced the bridge to close, the chances are remote -- probably less than 45-50% -- that anything bad would ever happen with that bridge. The restaurants would flourish, and no one would have been the wiser. You heard it here first.
Of course, the sane and practical approach doesn't make the squeamish populace exclaim, "Thank goodness PennDOT's on the job keeping us safe!" And we fear that's really what this is all about.
RESIDENTS OF NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE ON EDGE AFTER RASH OF DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS, ASSAULTS
(Neighborhood of Make Believe) - King Friday XIII, benevolent monarch who has ruled the Neighborhood of Make Believe for nearly forty years, will hold a news conference this morning to announce the formation of a gang task force to combat a series of random acts of violence in his kingdom. The task force is being established in response to requests from frightened Neighborhood residents. Lady Elaine Fairchild, sole curator of the Museum Go Round, a popular tourist destination known for its world-famous Hall of Boomerangs, said her place has been shot up twice in the past week. “It’s been hell sleeping at night, toots,” said Ms. Fairchild. “I hope Friday can get this thing under control.”
Daniel Striped Tiger, who retired to the Neighborhood after spending the last twenty years working for Siegfried and Roy, said he has noticed a change. “I grew up in this place. I never worried about getting stabbed or pistol-whipped when I was a cub.” Daniel said things began to change when King Friday decided to tear down Corn Flake S. Pecially’s Factory and build a casino. “That place just attracts the wrong element.”
Last evening, Ms. Henrietta Pussycat was assaulted while returning home from a visit with Dr. Bill Platypus. The suspect, described as a tall, white male wearing a cardigan sweater and sneakers, remains at large. A spokesman for the King said his royal highness declined to blame gamblers for the spike in crime, but vowed to restore law and order.
STERN CHARACTER ACTOR CHARLES LANE TAPPED TO TAKE OVER AS LEAD PROSECUTOR IN WECHT CASE
"I'm going to destroy you, Dr. Wecht," says veteran screen artist with hard-hearted demeanor
NASA CANCELS SPACEWALK BECAUSE ATLANTIS ASTRONAUT CALLS IN SICK
But astronaut in trouble because he was later spotted at mall
BUSH TO JOIN EMERGENCY SHUTTLE MISSION TO REPAIR HUBBLE TELESCOPE
Joint resolution of Congress encourages President to join mission, leave planet.
Principal says 'terrible thing' happened at school, won't say what it was
'But don't be concerned about it,' says Dr. Michael Ghilani
As reported by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette -- Upper St. Clair's high school principal Dr. Michael Ghilani called a press conference yesterday afternoon to announce that "a terrible, terrible thing has happened here at the school," but he refused to say what it was.
"It is among the worst things imaginable, an event almost unspeakably horrible," Ghilani sad. "A truly awful, awful thing in the annals of mankind. I only wish I were at liberty to tell you what it is." He wiped tears from his eyes.
"I would add this: the school does not want anyone to be at all concerned about it -- this terrible, terrible thing that has forever besmirched and defiled our school," he said.
WORLD AT STAND-STILL AS TERRELLE PRYOR DECIDES COLLEGE CHOICE
Productivity down 93%, suicide rates up 11%
SOLZHENITSYN TO STAR IN ABC SITCOM; NOBEL PRIZE WINNER TO GUEST-STAR, SPIN-OFF FROM JIM BELUSHI’S “ACCORDING TO JIM”
HOLLYWOOD - The trade paper Variety is reporting that Nobel prize-winning author Alexander Solzhenitsyn, who survived decades as a prisoner in the Soviet Union and chronicled his sufferings, as well as those of thousands of others in “The Gulag Archipelago,” has signed a development deal with ABC television. The deal calls for Solzhenitsyn to star in a half-hour sitcom that will, according to network sources, spin-off from Jim Belushi’s “According to Jim.”
Mr. Belushi’s company, in association with Dissident Pictures, will produce the show. Super-agent Don Buchwald, who represents Mr. Solzhenitsyn, said his client is excited about bringing his quirky sense of humor to an American audience.
“Alexander is more of an ‘observational’ Nobel prize-winner who deals with everyday issues in a gentle, whimsical style.”
Mr. Solzhenitsyn will play the host of a Russian radio program trying to cope with two adolescent children, a long-suffering wife and a troupe of zany neighbors and co-workers. The show is tentatively titled “Wake Up, St. Petersburg.” Mr. Solzhenitsyn will make a guest appearance on “According to Jim” to introduce his character. In the show, he finds himself trapped in an elevator with Mr. Belushi, a pregnant woman, two Chinese nationals and a chimpanzee. “This episode has ‘Emmy’ written all over it,” said Mr. Buchwald. This is the first appearance Mr. Solzhenitsyn has made on American television since a short-lived stint co-hosting the USA network’s “Up All Night” program with comedian Gilbert Gottfried in 1989.
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