The Pope's schedule for this weekend
Friday
*Tour the QVC Studios
*Eat at Olive Garden
*Spend the afternoon at Dollywood
*Advise a contestant on “Deal or No Deal”
Saturday
*Pilgrimage to steps used in Three Stooges “ice men” short
*Pilgrimage to steps used in “The Exorcist”
*Catch Carrot Top in Atlantic City
*Visit the Liberace Museum in Vegas
*Meet Chuck Norris
Sunday
*Attend Mass
POPE BENEDICT SUSPECT IN RASH OF WASHINGTON D.C. ROBBERIES, GIANT KEY TO CITY USED TO ACCESS HOMES, BANK VAULTS
WASHINGTON - Washington D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty has issued a plea to Pope Benedict XVI to turn himself into police tonight after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of burglaries in the Washington D.C. metropolitan area. Since Tuesday, numerous civic and financial institutions have suffered incalculable losses in a string of after-hours break-ins. No signs of forced entry were apparent to investigators, leading police to conclude that the perpetrator must have access to each of the buildings.
Mayor Fenty, who presented the Pope with a key to the city during a ceremony last Tuesday, was clearly upset. "When I gave the key to His Holiness, I asked him to be careful about who he gave it to. I want to remind all of you that the Pope has not been charged with a crime. I'm sure there is a very simple explanation for how so much money, art, jewels, and cars could have been stolen in such a short period of time and with such relative ease, and I'm certain that explanation does not implicate the Pontiff or his recently obtained key that opens every lock from Arlington to Bethesda."
BENEDICT TIRES EARLY AT NATIONAL’S PARK; RELIEF PRIEST ENTERS MASS, BAILS OUT PONTIFF
(Washington , D.C. ) - Pope Benedict XVI struggled in the early stages of the inaugural mass celebrated at National’s Park yesterday before giving way to a relief priest after finishing the liturgy of the word. Veteran right-hander Father John Sweeney entered the pulpit just before the recitation of the Creed and remained in the Mass until the final blessing. Father Sweeney gets credit for a save.
Archbishop Donald Wuerl, who is managing the Papal visit, said he thought the emotion and energy of the occasion may have affected the rookie Pope. “This early in the liturgical season, a lot of Popes tend to over-preach, and I think Benedict was guilty of that today.” Archbishop Wuerl provided another excuse for the Papal fatigue. “He was saying Mass on only four days rest. In hindsight, we probably shouldn’t have moved him up in the rotation.”
Speaking to reporters gathered around his locker room stall following the Mass, Pope Benedict expressed feelings of disappointment and relief. “I knew by the time I finished the homily I didn’t have much in the tank,” he said. “But I’ve got all the confidence in the world in my teammates. Father Sweeney really picked me up out there today.” The Pope said he would spend the next forty-eight hours looking at film and working on his mechanics. “A lot of people came to the park today expecting to see me go the distance,” he said. “I’ve got to take a better approach next time.”
U.S. clergymen curry favor with the Pope
'I definitely want to go to heaven, Holy Father!'
'I want to go to heaven more than he does!'
BABY WITH TWO FACES DOING WELL, BEING WORSHIPPED AS HINDU GOD
Child’s first words heard simultaneously in Pennsylvania, San Francisco
CASEY, OBAMA HIT CAMPAIGN TRAIL; PENNSYLVANIA’S JUNIOR SENATOR MEETS VOTERS, DOWNS GLASS OF WARM MILK
SCRANTON - Senator Robert Casey hit the campaign trail yesterday on behalf of the candidate he has endorsed, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. The two men mingled with voters at one of Senator Casey’s favorite local hangouts, The House of Beige. The move was viewed by many in the press corps as an attempt to assuage the fears of Pennsylvania primary voters that Senator Obama is out of touch with ordinary people.The meeting at the popular downtown establishment occurred several days after Obama’s rival for the Democratic nomination, Senator Hillary Clinton, was observed consuming a shot of Jim Beam in an Indiana tavern. Jostling with the lunchtime crowd, Senator Casey pushed his colleague from Illinois to the bar.
“The usual, Senator?” asked the smiling barkeep, before sliding a glass of warm milk in front of him. Casey quickly polished off his drink, but was careful to leave a slight trace of a moustache over his lip. “Do you know this stuff is chock full of vitamins and calcium that build strong teeth and bones?” he asked Senator Obama. “Sure do,” he replied. “It does a body good.” Casey then inquired about obtaining some toll-house cookies. “I’m sorry,” he was told, “but our oven is broken. Come back tomorrow.” At this, he flew into a rage, cursing and screaming until aides calmed him down. The Casey/Obama tour of ordinary places continues today, with a visit to a Lancaster yarn factory.
Driver picks up wrong ‘Pope Benedict’ at airport
Limousine driver Noah Swayne, assigned to pick up Pope Benedict at Reagan National Airport on the Pontiff’s U.S. visit, accidentally picked up the wrong man – ironically another traveler also named “Pope Benedict.”
“I waited at the baggage area, holding up my ‘Pope Benedict’ sign,” Swayne explained, “and this man approached me and said, ‘I’m Mr. Benedict.’ It was the weirdest thing – turns out his first name is ‘Pope,’ too.”
It wasn’t until they were on the road that Swayne learned his passenger is not the head of the Roman Catholic Church but a Radio Shack store manager from Blawnox.
“I waited at the baggage area, holding up my ‘Pope Benedict’ sign,” Swayne explained, “and this man approached me and said, ‘I’m Mr. Benedict.’ It was the weirdest thing – turns out his first name is ‘Pope,’ too.”
It wasn’t until they were on the road that Swayne learned his passenger is not the head of the Roman Catholic Church but a Radio Shack store manager from Blawnox.
Pope Benedict XVI -- of the Vatican -- was forced to share a cab from the airport with comedian Carrot Top.
'Now cover your left eye, and read the line at the bottom of the chart, Your Holiness'
THE POPE COMES TO AMERICA
BOB NUTTING ENDORSES RON PAUL
"I still think he has a chance to win this year," Pirates owner explains.
BIN LADEN FAMILY REUNION POSTPONED; AL QAEDA LEADER HAVING DIFFICULTY OBTAINING VENUE, CATERING SERVICE
(Peshawar) - Osama Bin Laden has been forced to cancel the annual Bin Laden family reunion for the seventh year in a row.
Mr. Bin Laden made the announcement in a videotape broadcast on the Al-Jazeera network yesterday.
“I have been unable to secure a cave large enough to accommodate all of us once again,” he said.
“Additionally, every catering service I contacted wanted a sizable deposit before they would agree to accept the job. As many of you know, I’m experiencing a cash-flow problem at the present time.”
Bin Laden then launched into a ten minute harangue in which he accused by name numerous family members who still owe him money for fees incurred during the last Bin Laden reunion in the summer of 2001.
“Uncle Mort, you promised to split the cost of that Slip’n’Slide for the kids. Here it is years later, and I’m reduced to calling you out on a videotape to get my fifty bucks!” he shouted.
CIA analysts have concluded the voice on the tape belongs to Bin Laden.
“At some point, in an attempt to avoid duplication, the Bin Ladens decided to have their reunions catered,” said one official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Our intelligence data indicated a high-level of frustration with the amount of potato salad contributed when everyone was asked to bring a covered dish. Additionally, some family members were using Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise in the recipe, which led to a number of violent incidents among those in attendance.”
Mr. Bin Laden did not say whether or not the reunion would be rescheduled.
Time machine inventor returns to Titanic to save “men and children first”
To commemorate the anniversary of the April 15, 1912 sinking of Titanic, time-machine inventor Dr. Chad Hermann has issued a call to feminist scholars and Women’s Studies professors to return to the ship’s deck on that fateful night and help him reverse the sexism practiced by men who insisted on saving “women and children first.”
Thus far, no one has accepted the offer.
One professor, who asked to remain anonymous, explained, “I’m for equality and all that, but he’s nuts.”
TITANIC SANK FASTER THAN PREVIOUSLY BELIEVED; DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON ORDERED TO TRIM 15 MINUTES FROM HIS EPIC "TITANIC" TO KEEP IT ACCURATE
FALMOUTH, Mass. - The discovery of two large pieces of Titanic's hull on the ocean's floor indicates that the fabled ocean liner sank more quickly than previously believed -- by about 15 minutes, experts revealed on the anniversary of the famous ship's collision with an iceberg.In light of the revelation, 20th Century Fox has ordered director James Cameron to trim 15 minutes from his 1997 epic Titanic to maintain the film's historical accuracy.
An irate Cameron fumed that Fox's tampering with his artistic license is an unwelcome throwback to the days when studio bosses had final say over the director's end-product. "This is just another indication that 20th Century [Fox] is still living in the last century," Cameron said.
OBAMA DEFENDS HIS CONTROVERSIAL REMARKS
"Religion," the Illinois Senator said, "is the opiate of the masses. Especially for those gun nuts in Pennsylvania."
POPE PREPARES FOR U.S. VISIT, CLAIMS HE'S "BIGGER THAN OBAMA"
Obama supporters prepare to protest, claim "That's ridiculous"
Mrs. Rooney asks Archbishop if her husband's support of pro-abortion Obama is 'OK with the Church?'
"Why, of course, Mrs. Rooney. The Church thinks it's great when Catholics unilaterally pick and choose which teachings to accept and which to ignore -- like they're at some freaking cafeteria. Why wouldn't we be OK with that?"
Milan COO Defends Unusual MBA from WVU, Admits Archbishopric of Mainz ‘Harder to Explain’
Milan Chief Operating Officer the Right Hon. Rev. Heather Bresch yesterday told reporters that her master’s of business administration from West Virginia University was legitimately earned, but admitted she “has some explaining to do” about a later degree which made her Archbishop of the German province of Mainz.
“I spoke with my advisor at the WVU business department and he said I could count my real-world experience as an executive toward 10 credits, with my role in preparing corporate reports good for another 10, and the remaining six credits I needed were given when I won the prize at Trivia Night at the Cork and Keg after one of the classes,” Ms. Bresch told reporters. She denied any political influence, either from her father, West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin, or Milan’s influential founder, Milan Puskar, played any role in her being awarded the degree despite not having completed all classes.
Ms. Bresch admitted, however, that her later appointment by the Pope as Archbishop of Mainz was less easily explained, although she denied any intentional impropriety.
“They had this diocese open and I’d always wanted to be an archbishop,” Ms. Bresch said. “What I did was go to the Vatican secretary and he said that I could count my work in administration for part of the ordination process and that my real-world experience would count heavily toward the divinity degree.”
Later arrangements included the approval of the sale of an indulgence to raise funds for the new wallpaper at the Sistine Chapel. Ms Bresch later assigned noted liturgical speaker Johanne Tetzel to raise funds in a series of “Inspirational Nights” that also included speeches by Rick Warren, author of “The Purpose Driven Life,” as well as former LA Dodgers Coach Tommy Lasorda.
Both Mr. Warren and Mr. Lasorda were later awarded MBAs by the university, citing their real-life experiences. The university later revoked the MBA of Pirates owner Bob Nutting, who had actually attended classes at the school.
“We looked at his real-life experiences and thought they pretty well negated anything he’d learned at WVU,” said business department chairman Cletus Yetzburg.
CBS SAYS IT WILL ADD “TREE SURGEONS” TO FALL LINE-UP; NEW ONE-HOUR DRAMA WILL FOCUS ON PROFESSIONAL, PRIVATE LIVES OF BRILLIANT YOUNG ARBORISTS
(New York ) - CBS President Les Moonves said the network would air a show this fall offering a new twist on an old television staple. The show, whose working title is “Tree Surgeons,” features a mixed race cast of brilliant, devoted young arborists struggling to balance their professional responsibilities with the challenges of being attractive, single, and sexually active. “We’re taking the medical genre to the next level,” said Moonves. “I’ve only seen the first three episodes, but I’ve never seen a more moving treatment of the scourge of Dutch Elm disease in my life. They ought to just mail us the Emmy right now.”
Television scholars say this is the first time in history that a show revolving around arboriculture has been developed for the small s creen. “There has been the occasional educational program on the subject for PBS, but that doesn’t count,” said Dr. Mike Maloney, Director of the Institute for Television Studies at the University of Dayton. Dr. Maloney said he has watched several episodes screened for critics. “This is by far the grittiest treatment of the management and maintenance of shrubs, vines, and other perennial woody plants ever attempted on network television.” Dr. Maloney would not speculate on the show’s prospect for success. “So far, the only sexual tension I have observed is between the male lead and a lilac bush,” he said. “They may want to recast the lilac bush.”
Obama wants to apologize to white Pennsylvania Christians for 'bitter' remark
"Who is the white equivalent to Jesse Jackson? Pat Boone?"
TREVOR IMMELMAN: 'MASTERS' TAILOR FELT ME A LITTLE TOO HIGH UP ON THE INSEAM'
NEW CHAMP AT AUGUSTA CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY TAILOR HAD TO FEEL HIS PANTS -- 'ALL THEY GAVE ME WAS THE GREEN JACKET'
BITTER PENNSYLVANIA MAN: "OBAMA IS RIGHT"
NOAH SWAYNE ONLY FINDS CONSOLATION IN TAKING HIS GUNS INTO CHURCH AND SHOOTING UP THE JOINT
TV HIGHLIGHTS: 'THE MAN WHO SHOT LINCOLN,' STARRING BURT 'BOY WONDER' WARD
ACTOR'S INSISTENCE ON PLAYING JOHN WILKES BOOTH IN "ROBIN" COSTUME MARS DOCUMENTARYHOLLYWOOD - "The Man Who Shot Lincoln" airing tonight, the anniversary of assassination of America's 16th President, is a gritty and shockingly realistic portrayal of the events leading up the April 14, 1865 assassination of President Abraham Lincoln by John Wilkes Booth, a well-known and flamboyant actor of his day.
The documentary marks the return to prime time television of Burt Ward as Booth. Ward is best known for portraying "Robin, the Boy Wonder," opposite Adam West in the 1960's camp TV classic, Batman.
Ward insisted on playing Booth in his old "Robin" costume, and the results are mixed. At first the colorful costume proves somewhat of a distraction, but Ward's performance is so sure of itself and his screen presence so commanding that ultimately it doesn't matter.
Ward's old mannerisms are still there, and they still work like a charm, from the quick-tempered habit of punching his fist into his other hand, to even blurting out "Holy states' rights!" at one point.
Women and gay viewers will find his leap from the balcony at Fords Theater following the shooting utterly mesmerizing -- let's just say the tights have never been tighter. There is good reason he was called the "Boy Wonder."
All in all, this is the most realistic documentary of the Lincoln assassination ever done. Be forewarned: the violence of the actual shooting is palpable, vividly enhanced by the giant cartoon "POW" that bursts across the screen when Ward fires the gun.
Actor Charles Durning is a noble Lincoln, and Bette Midler provides welcome comic relief as nutty Mary Todd Lincoln. My only qualm is that the three hours running time is altogether too short. This is one not to be missed. The show airs on CBS at 8 p.m. Eastern Time.
TREVOR IMMELMAN GETS GREEN JACKET AT AUGUSTA, IS MISTAKEN FOR REALTOR
NEW MASTERS WINNER "ALMOST" SNAGS SALE AT FOUR BEDROOM COLONIAL
AUGUSTA - Trevor Immelman was still wearing the green jacket he won with his first Masters victory when he stopped his Mercedes rental car en route to the Atlanta Airport to retrieve something from the trunk. An attractive young lady came running to the side of the car, out of breath.
"There you are," she barked. Immelman reached for his pen to sign an autograph, but her next words confused him. "I'd recognize that Prudential-Beazley jacket anywhere."
Immelman glanced to his left and saw a newly constructed two-story colonial adorning a Prudential-Beazley "For Sale" sign. "We thought we were too late for the open house," said the woman. Her husband caught up with her. "What do the heating bills run?" he asked Immelman.
Immelman led the young couple into the house. "This first floor has a study that doglegs left," he improvised. "And don't let that thick carpet in the family room fool you -- it may look like deep rough, but it's extremely fast." He led them out the sliding back door. "Be careful of the traps just short of the patio," he warned.
After traipsing through every room with similar commentary, Immelman led the couple to their car. The woman told him that she and her husband would think it over and get back to him. Before they pulled away, the woman rolled down her window.
"I want you to know that we bought our townhouse from your company three years ago this month," she said. "But you were much more personable than the guy who sold us the that one."
"Is that so?" Immelman smiled.
"Yeah," said the woman. "His name was Tiger something."
Star of movie ‘Marley and Me’ Charged with Public Urination
Philadelphia police last night charged Mister Woofs, the eight-year-old mixed breed who portrays the dog Marley in the forthcoming film adaptation of columnist John Grogan’s memoir “Marley and Me,” with disorderly conduct and public urination after the youthful star was caught relieving himself on a lamp post outside a popular downtown nightspot.He was also charged with assault after reportedly attempting to bite an arresting officer.
“Woofs is deeply embarrassed by this incident but we want to make clear that the whole story has not yet come out,” said attorney Richard Sprague, who is representing the actor.
Police said the co-star of the upcoming movie was with friends at “The Full Dish,” a discotheque and grooming parlor in center city shortly after 2 a.m. when he stepped outside, apparently to relieve himself. Witnesses said that he sniffed the base of the post, circled it twice, and then urinated. Police nearby observed the incident and swooped down.
Philadelphia officials last month announced a crackdown on public urination and other anti-social behavior and the arrest was one of a half dozen in a four block area around the neighborhood of the club, a spokeswoman said.
“Subject was asked to produce identification but responded incoherently. Affiant attempted to read the markings on what appeared to be a collar worn by subject whereupon actor growled, lunched and attempted to bite arresting officer,” according to an arrest report. “Actor was then transported to Station 4 for processing and mental health referral also made.”
The pre-release arrest marks yet another episode in the sometimes troubled history of dog movies, a legacy that began in 1957 when actor Rin Tin Tin IV was booked by Los Angeles police for public indecency after he was caught licking himself outside a downtown clothing store. The bad luck streak continued through the sixties when Tramp, then starring as a member of the Douglas family on television’s “My Three Sons,” was replaced in the cast after accusations of indecent assault when he was accused of rubbing himself against the leg of fellow cast member William Demerest.
Conspiracy theories continue to swirl around the fate of Morris the Cat, who was found dead in 1979, an apparent drug overdose, after tabloid reports linking him romantically with Hollywood Squares star Paul Lynde.
Dismissed from Jobs, Alecia Sirk and Pat Ford Return to the Future From Whence They Came
PITTSBURGH -- One day after stepping down from their city posts after revelations they received pricey electronic gifts from an advertising executive, former Mayoral Press Secretary Alecia Sirk and her husband, ousted Urban Redevelopment Authority director Pat Ford boarded an ion transponder and returned to the future.“Our work here is completed and, by installing Luke Ravenstahl in office we have prevented the disastrous U.S.-Canada War of 2417 that threatened to destroy the Fourth Bush Dynasty,” said Ms. Sirk before dissolving into a mist.
She declined to explain further saying it was “complicated and a little boring.”
The couple told reporters they had been sent by their supreme commander to guarantee Mr. Ravenstahl’s election and had received further instructions through a series of electronic billboards, notably a Lamar Advertising Sign along Banksville Road.
“I know it looked like one of those Jack Daniels Country Cocktails ads to most people,” said Mr. Ford. “Just suffice it to say, you’re all a lot safer now and, by the way, gasoline is going to be $4 in mid-June. Also, where I’m headed to, the Pirates still suck. Some things can’t be solved so easily.”
STEELY TRIES TO SALVAGE JOB, TELLS MR. ROONEY HE WAS NABBED FOR DUI ON WAY HOME FROM HIS OWN BRIS
Rooney not buying it -- because he checked Steely's mc-beam
COUNTDOWN
New Pirates Promotions
10. Fireworks after every at-bat
9. Losing pierogies cooked with butter and onions
8. Pigeon Shoot Night, featuring the Pirate Parrot
7. “Be a Ticket Taker and Frisk a Female Fan” Night
6. Red Sox games shown on the JumboTron
5. Win a Spot in the Starting Rotation Contest for junior high kids
4. Outfield fences moved in 50 ft when the Bucs bat
3. Catch a foul ball, win two Steelers tickets
2. When Pirates are losing by 5 or more runs, beer is free
1. Instead of hot dogs, Nuttings will be shot in the stands
OBAMA SAYS HE’LL REMOVE GEORGE WASHINGTON FROM THE ONE DOLLAR BILL, REPLACE HIM WITH MEAN JOE GREENE
PITTSBURGH - Senator Barack Obama told a gathering of prominent Allegheny County Democrats that if elected, he would remove the likeness of George Washington from the face of the one dollar bill and replace it with a likeness of former Pittsburgh Steeler defensive tackle Mean Joe Greene. Senator Obama made the remarks at the annual Jefferson-Jackson dinner held at Heinz Field. “People are tired of the same old faces in Washington, and on our currency. We need to take the cornerstone of the Steelers championship era and make him the cornerstone of our economic recovery. Putting Mean Joe Greene on the dollar bill is the best way to restore consumer confidence and stimulate growth.”
Not to be outdone, Obama’s opponent in the race f or the Democratic nomination, Senator Hillary Clinton, vowed to remove the faces currently displayed on Mount Rushmore and replace them with the faces of the Steelers legendary defensive line, the Steel Curtain. Senator Clinton made her promise at the same dinner.
“You know, when I was playing alongside Joe back at North Texas State, I knew he was destined for greatness,” said Senator Clinton. “I can think of no better way to reward his service, and the service of men like Fats Holmes, L.C. Greenwood and Dwight White, than to set their faces in stone for eternity.” Asked what she would say to opponents of her plan, the Senator didn’t hesitate. “How many Super Bowl rings does Teddy Roosevelt have?”
AUTHORITIES RAID POLYGONIST COMPOUND
Officials remove 137 children from 1,900-acre Q.E.D. Ranch, charge sect leaders with "physical and geometrical abuse"
'MY NAME IS STEELY MCBEAM, AND I’M AN ALCOHOLIC.'
"Sir, you're under arrest for driving under the influence and for impersonating a mascot."
OBAMA CURES RANDY PAUSCH, NAMES HIM AS RUNNING MATE
Illinois Senator promises former Carnegie Mellon professor will "give many more lectures that are almost as inspirational as mine"
Clinton proposes tax on noctural emissions to fund women's shelters
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Hillary Clinton, trailing in the polls for the upcoming Pennsylvania primary and looking to solidify her standing with women voters, proposed a $40 per occurrence tax on nocturnal emissions to fund women's domestic violence shelters. Clinton unveiled the proposal on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today and announced to rousing applause a plan "to eradicate within our lifetime the scourge of any ejaculation, even of the so-called involuntary variety, that occurs without a woman's enthusiastic verbal consent."Under the Clinton plan, dubbed the "Wet Dream Tax," every teen male, or his parents until he reaches age 18, will automatically be assessed for 15 nocturnal emissions annually. Unmarried males ages 20-27 would be assessed for six occurrences. Some parents of teen boys think the proposed tax is discriminatory and said it would be burdensome, especially on top of Clinton's proposed "Masturbation Tax," which would tag every teen male with an annual flat fee of $2,500 to go toward breast cancer research.
A Clinton campaign spokeswoman said the proposed taxes were designed as "compensation for oppression to women since studies show that ejaculatory dreams and fantasies typically involve subjugation and mistreatment of women." She noted that the taxes were not discriminatory since prospective mothers could control whether to pay them "by utilizing their lawful abortion options and engaging in gender selection" before deciding to give birth to a boy.
Senator Clinton also told Ellen DeGeneres that she will take part in this weekend's "Walk to End All Walks Except for Breast Cancer."
McCain denies calling wife the "c" word
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator John McCain, trying to dig himself out of hole with women's groups, denied that he hurled the word "c*nt" at his wife during a 1992 campaign stop, as alleged by Cliff Sheter in his new tell-all The Real McCain."That incident has been totally misconstrued," said the presumptive Republican presidential nominee. McCain admitted he uttered the word but claimed he was rehearsing for a role in The Vagina Monologues where the word figures prominently. "I was the first male in the history of the United States Congress to be a serious contender for one of the leads in that play," explained McCain. "The character I was hoping to play gets to repeatedly scream the 'c' word at the top of her -- or in my case, his -- lungs. I assume that the author of this book about me must have overheard me rehearsing the scene with my wife, so he twisted something totally empowering into something totally vulgar, something anti-woman. Well, I am as far from anti-woman as anyone could be."
McCain said he didn't get the part in the play. "I lost the role to a better human being -- better because she's a woman," said McCain. "But that experience allowed me to enter a communion with my oppressed and subjugated sisters. I felt that by repeatedly shouting the 'c' word, my sisters and I were able to reclaim that beautiful word from the patriarchy."
TROUBLED OLYMPIC TORCH EXTINGUISHES ITSELF; FRIENDS SAY PROTESTS, CIVIL UNREST LED TORCH TO PUT OUT HIS OWN FLAME
SAN FRANCISCO - The Olympic Torch was found in his hotel room yesterday morning, unlit. It is believed the Torch extinguished himself. Members of the Torch’s entourage, who have been traveling with him on a journey that was scheduled to end with a two-week stay in Beijing this summer, became alarmed when he failed to answer his wake-up call. After obtaining a pass-key, they entered his room, where they found him smoldering. “He was still warm. We did everything we could, but our attempts to reignite were unsuccessful. It has been raining for days in this town, and nobody had a dry match.” It is believed the Torch destroyed all flammable materials in his room prior to putting himself out. A rambling, poorly written note, filled with passages one person described as “heartbreaking” was found on the nightstand next to his bed. The note explained that “he no longer wished to burn.” Authorities believe the series of violent protests occurring wherever the Torch has appeared recently contributed to the decision to take his own flame. “He’s been feeling kind of low lately,” said an associate of the Torch who wished to remain anonymous. “I kept telling him, it’s not you, man. You’ve got nothing to do with this whole Tibet thing. But he wouldn’t listen. He said he was sick of getting hassled.”
The Chinese government issued a statement this morning expressing regret over the passing of the Torch, and introduced his replacement, the Olympic Glow-Stick.
IOC uses Olympic Torch to terrorize man, planned to post video of attack on YouTube
SAN FRANCISCO - California authorities say they arrested the International Olympic Committee for its "animalistic attack" on a homeless man near the Golden Gate Bridge.
The IOC allegedly terrorized the man with the iconic Olympic Torch while one of the committee members recorded the attack on a video camera, apparently with plans to place it on YouTube for all the world to see.
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF SERIAL KILLERS UPSET OVER PORTRAYAL OF SERIAL KILLERS IN MEDIA, TELEVISION; THREATEN CBS BOYCOTT
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(Lectorville) - The National Association of Serial Killers (NASK) issued a statement today criticizing what it described as “the continuing insensitive, demeaning portrayal of serial killers by the mainstream media in America.” The statement was created by cutting out letters and shapes from a variety of newspapers and magazines, taped to a single sheet of loose-leaf paper, and mailed to the Columbia School of Journalism. “We are outraged that so many venues for entertainment and information in the digital age continue to promote unflattering stereotypes of our members. Not all serial killers are loners, or addicted to pornography. Not all serial killers suffered traumatic abuse as children, or committed acts of animal cruelty. Most of us are just like the rest of you. The only difference between the average Joe and the average NASK member is the NASK member performs the vicious, homicidal act the average Joe fantasizes about.”
The statement threatened a boycott of the three television networks should unfair treatment of serial killers continue. The association was particularly incensed over an episode of the CBS drama “Criminal Minds” airing this Thursday night. “Once again, the Behavioral Intelligence Unit is on the trail of a serial killer, and once again, they’re able to apprehend him in just under forty-eight minutes. This is an outrage. If it were that easy to catch a serial killer, our association wouldn’t have any members!” A representative for CBS said the network would have no comment.
DEADLOCK: WECHT CASE DECLARED A MISTRIAL
Jurors prove they were paying attention: they submit jury duty invoices for three extra weeks.
PITTSBURGH'S EARLY DISASTER WARNING SYSTEM FAILS PRIOR TO PIRATES' GAME, THOUSANDS SHOW UP AT PNC PARK UNAWARE CALAMITY WAS ABOUT TO OCCUR
Pittsburgh's early disaster warning system failed before yesterday's Pirates home opener, accounting for the 37,491 fans who showed up at PNC Park unaware a calamity was about to occur. "The system is designed to alert people in the vicinity of the Golden Triangle of a pending catastrophe," explained Mayor Ravenstahl. "Therefore, ten minutes before each Pirates' home game, a siren is supposed to blare from Mellon Square, warning everyone a disaster is about to occur. Unfortunately, that didn't happen before Monday's game."
The Mayor has ordered an immediate investigation into the cause of the failure to prevent a repeat when the Pirates play again.
Olympic Torch implicated in arson at Conneaut Lake Park
Conneaut Lake, Pa. - The International Olympic Committee was charged yesterday with using the Olympic Torch to start a fire that destroyed the 99-year-old Dreamland Ballroom at Conneaut Lake Park in February.
Police say that the Committee is also under suspicion for using the Olympic Torch to set fire to nine homes in north-central Crawford County between mid-August and early December.
Criminal attorney Jim Ecker, who represents the Committee, labeled the charges ludicrous. "It is absurd to suggest that the the men and women of the International Olympic Committee would be going around torching buildings in Western Pennsylvania," said Ecker. "This is not to suggest that I would trust them near a pack of matches, but the charges are absurd."
Police are also investigating the Committee's possible connection to the deadly MGM Grand fire in Las Vegas in 1980 and the October 2007 Southern California wildfires.
RON PAUL SAYS HE WILL HAVE A SEX CHANGE; CRITICS LABEL ANNOUNCEMENT “CHEAP TRICK” TO GAIN PUBLICITY FOR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
(Galveston, TX) - Congressman Ron Paul announced today that he will undergo a sex-change operation at the Ewing Medical Center in Dallas. The longtime member of the House of Representatives said he has known for many years that “he is a woman trapped inside of a man’s body,” and that he “wanted to live the remainder of his golden years as a golden girl.” Representative Paul made the announcement during a town hall meeting held yesterday. The meeting was chaired by notorious day-time talk show host Jerry Springer. “I may be flip-flopping on my gender,” said Mr. Paul, “but I will not flip-flop on the issues that matter most to the American people, like ending the war in Iraq and bringing affordable health care to working people across this country.”
A spokesman for Senator John McCain (R-Arizona), who is running against Representative Paul for the Republican nomination, said his boss would not dignify Mr. Paul’s announcement with a response. “This is the same guy [Representative Paul] who appeared on Maury Povich last week under the pretense of determining whether he was the father of a child born out of wedlock to an eighteen-year-old stripper. He’s just doing this for attention.” Representative Paul denounced critics who labeled his impending operation a publicity stunt. “I look forward to the day when I will have the honor of being the first woman Republican to ascend to the highest office in the land as President Rhonda Paul."
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