Republican Investigating Committee Clears Craig on Gay Sex Accusation
Reprimands him for bad dance skills, wearing black shoes with brown suit
AL-SADR ADMITS HE CAN’T RAISE A FAMILY AND RUN A DEATH SQUAD BY HIMSELF; SENDS FOR UNCLE CHARLIE
BAGHDAD - Overwhelmed by the responsibilities of fomenting civil unrest and fulfilling his paternal responsibilities to a trio of precocious boys, Moqtada Al-Sadr has asked Uncle Charlie to come to Iraq . “Uncle Charlie will now assume the role of primary caregiver to my three sons,” said Al-Sadr. The role was originally played by the boy’s grandfather, Bub. However, Bub drove a truck filled with one hundred pounds of plastic explosives into a crowded downtown market last month, taking his own life and the lives of two-hundred and fifteen other people. Al-Sadr said he was confident that Uncle Charlie would be able to keep his house in order while he spent every waking moment trying to drive the American occupiers from Iraqi soil. “He’s a gruff, irascible fellow, but he’s got a heart of gold. And he looks great wearing an apron.” Charlie O’Casey does not come without baggage. In 1968, he, along with members of the Manson family, was accused of the brutal slayings of Robbie, Chip and Ernie Douglas. Tried for a triple homicide, the jury voted for acquittal, but only after Uncle Charlie baked them a delicious apple pie. And there were charges, never proven, that he ran a dog-fighting ring using the family pet of a previous employer. In a 1972 interview with Good Housekeeping, O’Casey denounced those rumors. “I always hated Tramp, but I would never let another dog kill him. If anyone was going to kill that mangy mutt, it would have been me.”
O’Casey expects to arrive in Baghdad Friday morning. He anticipates having three loads of laundry completed by Friday afternoon.
KINGS FOLLOWS-UP ON FROWNIE DESSERT
Continuing its successful promotion, restaurant introduces new “Manic Depressive Meatloaf” and “Suicide Shake.”
NEWS ROUNDUP
EDINBURGH - The highlight of each performance of the Circus of Horrors at the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival is for a dwarf performer to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member. Last night, the act went horribly awry when the dwarf's manhood got stuck in the vacuum, and he had to be rushed to a hospital. Although embarrassed, the dwarf says the show will go on.
EDINBURGH - A seventeen-year-old boy was rushed to the hospital after his mother found him in his room with his manhood stuck to a vacuum cleaner. The mother angrily accused the boy of pleasuring himself but the lad calmly explained that he was merely honing his skills so he could try out for the Circus of Horrors.
PEDUTO RECRUITS ANOTHER ONLINE STAR FOR WEB PROJECT
Miss Teen South Carolina to oversee Reform Pittsburgh's education, communication initiatives
DEMOCRATIC OFFICES RAIDED IN HARRISBURG
Former representative Mike Veon is shocked, shocked to learn that state employees may have been working on political campaigns
ZEALOUS CLEANING LADY SCRUBS DIRTY BRICKS ON CATHEDRAL OF LEARNING
Then moves inside, gets rid of "all that clutter" in the Nationality Rooms
WHEN WATER MAIN BROKE, CITY OFFICIALS COULDN'T FIND RAVENSTAHL
"The Steelers were out of town," said Chief of Staff Yarone Zober, "so we didn't know where to look."
RADICAL WING OF BARBIE DOLLS SAYS MATTEL’S RECALL OF THEM IS DISCRIMINATORY
"KEN DOLLS SHOULD ALSO BE RECALLED," THEY CLAIM, "DUE TO "THE MOST GLARING DEFECT OF ALL -- THEY DON'T HAVE VAGINAS"; KEN DOLLS RESPOND, "WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING"
STUDY: PITTSBURGH LAGS NATIONAL INCOME, LEADS WITH DIABETES
Economists puzzled about where Pittsburghers are getting the money to buy unhealthy food. “I’m stumped.” -- PNC Chief Economist Stuart Hoffman
TINACTIN INTRODUCES “STOP ITCHIN” T-SHIRTS FOR INNER-CITY MARKETS; SPOKESPERSON SAYS RESEMBLANCE TO POPULAR “STOP SNITCHIN” T-SHIRT COINCIDENTAL
NEW YORK - Tinactin, maker of products designed to treat a variety of painful skin disorders, is introducing a new t-shirt warning people to “stop itchin.” The slogan is a carefully chosen adaptation of the phrase “stop snitchin,” popular in many communities suffering from violent crime and fractious relations with law enforcement. John Madden, spokesman for Tinactin, said the company does not endorse withholding cooperation with police if you are a witness to, victim or perpetrator of a criminal act. “We’re not telling a brother to stop snitchin, y’all. We’re telling him to stop itchin. You see the difference?”
He added that the t-shirts were designed to raise community awareness of the scourge of athletes foot, and jock itch, which have risen to n early epidemic proportions among young, physically active males. “We are saying STOP THE BURNIN! STOP THE CHAFIN! We want to stop these problems before they start, and that’s why we’re pushing these shirts. We need to get the message out there.” To give the shirts an added street credibility, Tinactin has obtained several impressive sponsors. Effective September 1, 2007, Tinactin is the official provider of anti-fungal relief to the Bloods and the Crips. Madden said there is a possibility of adding one more homicidal gang to the fast actin’ Tinactin team. “We’re in the early stages of negotiations with the Aryan Brotherhood, and we are confident we’ll have something in place with them by the first of the year.”
DESPITE COMPLAINTS, GIULIANI WILL PARTICIPATE IN 9/11 MEMORIAL EVENT
Former mayor plans to hang out with reporters while city employees do all the work, then step up and take most of the credit in the end; "It worked pretty well for him in the past," a campaign spokesman said.
BOYS' LAGGING READING SKILLS GIVEN JUMP-START WITH 'PENTHOUSE FOR BOYS'
Study after study shows boys aren't reading as well as girls. Rita Swayne, a University of Pittsburgh education professor who specializes in reading, said schools need to offer boys reading material with content aimed at grabbing their interests. "That means they need to be given material about sports and sex," she said.
Penthouse Media Group, Inc. to the rescue. The publishing giant is launching Penthouse for Boys, featuring "the same kinds of stories and pictures that appeal to the boys' fathers" in the publisher's flagship publication Penthouse. Bob Guccione is coming out of retirement to spearhead the project.
"We're doing this as a service to our young people," Guccione said. "After all, they are our future. And, yes, to answer boys' big question, there will be female genitalia galore," said Guccione. "But no penetration, and absolutely no erect penises. Our studies show boys don't want to see that."
Guccione said that the magazine will only be available to boys 12 and older. "After all, I have my standards."
MARTHA STEWART REMOVES ELECTRONIC MONITORING BRACELET, NEW ORLEANS' LEVEES IMMEDIATELY BURST
"MS. STEWART HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR," SAYS BIG EASY MAYOR; CITY GOES TO "PLAN B" -- VENICE THEME WITH SINGING GONDOLIERSNEW ORLEANS - For as long as anyone can remember, the thing New Orleans dreaded most was the possibility that its famous levees would break, spilling deadly floodwaters into this city of half a million people that sits below sea level.
That very thing occurred yesterday, one day after New Orleans thought it had escaped catastrophic damage from Hurricane Katrina, causing floodwaters to cover 80% of the city, in some places 20 feet deep. The levees burst within seconds after domestic TV diva and convicted felon Martha Stewart removed the electronic monitoring bracelet that insured her confinement to her 153 acre Westchester County, New York estate.
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin insists there was a connection. "I don't know the exact science involved, but Ms. Stewart has a lot to answer for," he said.
The Mayor also said that the Big Easy must look ahead now, and announced what he called "Plan B." At an outdoor press conference near the levee that burst packed with reporters from around the world, Nagin unveiled an artist's rendering of his vision for the new New Orleans, a plan that would turn the flooded city into "a kind of Creole Venice" replete with singing gondoliers and a miniature Piazza San Marco.
"It's quite a coincidence, but I was just saying the other day that the only thing New Orleans has lacked all these years was torrents of flood waters cascading through our streets," the Mayor said. "Well, mirabile dictu, now Venice has nothing that New Orleans doesn't have." The Mayor explained that the city will immediately proceed to "turn the decadent French Quarter into a decadent Italian Quarter. The only difference between New Orleans and Venice will be that our gondoliers will bathe on a regular basis."
The Mayor added that "we should have breached the levees years ago," as he stretched out his body atop a section of the failed floodwall to prevent the Army Corps of Engineers from dropping bags of sand and stones to fill the gap created by the breach.
The Mayor also revealed that he turned down a request from New Orleans icon and rock 'n roll legend Fats Domino to act as a human plug at the site of the breach.
The Mayor ended the press conference by issuing the following proclamation: "I will close the city for three months to carry out the conversion [to Venice], and when we reopen, rest assured New Orleans will maintain its distinctive identity. Most important, during the holy celebration of Mardi Gras, New Orleans will still welcome and embrace those fetching, inebriated college lasses who will still lift their tops to thrill and delight oversexed and inebriated college lads in exchange for worthless beads. Only from now on, they shall perform this sublime act from spanking new gondolas. And so, with one voice, New Orleans will once more say to the world, 'let the good times roll!'"
TEN YR OLD FLOOD AND M-D VICTIM JOEY SMITH ACCUSED OF "TELETHON DOUBLE DIPPING" -- TAKING FROM BOTH JERRY LEWIS AND KATRINA FUNDRAISER
JERRY LEWIS: "I'M ASHAMED THAT JOEY IS CRIPPLED."NEW ORLEANS - When ten-year old muscular dystrophy victim Joey Smith was stranded with thousands of other New Orleans refugees in the Superdome last week in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, his wheelchair-bound condition elicited an outpouring of nationwide sympathy.
But sympathy has turned to outrage as Jerry Lewis accused Smith of "telethon double-dipping" by accepting substantial donations and lavish gifts from both Lewis' MDA organization and the Hurricane Katrina fundraiser that aired on NBC Friday night. "He's capitalizing on his condition to be 'made whole' twice. There's a word for people like Joey, and it's 'thief,'" said Lewis. Lewis added that Smith needs to make up his mind, "does Joey want to be one of 'Jerry's Kids' or does he want to be one of the so-called hurricane victims who didn't have the sense to come in out of the rain? If the latter, I'll buy Joey a f - - - - - - - umbrella."
Smith, contacted on his new yacht somewhere in the Caribbean, said that Lewis is just "a cranky old man" who has too much time on his hands. "Can I help it if the fat [expletive deleted] is still smarting because Dean dumped him?"
Vick Looks Forward to New Uniform
RICHMOND, Va. - After pleading guilty Monday to federal dogfighting charges, a contrite Michael Vick spoke to the media. "I used bad judgment, made bad decisions and am a bad motherf***er. I now know that getting caught for dogfighting is a terrible thing, and I do regret that aspect of it."
U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson accepted the plea by the Atlanta Falcons quarterback, then asked: "Are you entering the plea of guilty to a conspiracy charge because you are in fact guilty? Are you aware that this plea will most likely result in prison time? Do you know what the term 'doggy-style' means?" Vick replied, "Yes, sir," to each of the questions. Asked by Judge Hudson if he had any questions, Vick inquired, "Is cockfighting illegal?"
U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson accepted the plea by the Atlanta Falcons quarterback, then asked: "Are you entering the plea of guilty to a conspiracy charge because you are in fact guilty? Are you aware that this plea will most likely result in prison time? Do you know what the term 'doggy-style' means?" Vick replied, "Yes, sir," to each of the questions. Asked by Judge Hudson if he had any questions, Vick inquired, "Is cockfighting illegal?"
Vick's lawyer, Billy Martin, continued to criticize the efforts of "those meddling kids" from Mystery Inc whose efforts cracked the dogfighting ring.
Gonzales Takes Justice to a New Level
WASHINGTON - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, pictured above with his chief of staff Uncle Junior looking on, announced his resignation Monday saying he wanted to spend more time with Karl Rove's children and devote more time following his passion, dogfighting. When informed that dogfighting is illegal, Gonzales said, "I was not aware of that." Asked if he had ever attended a dogfight, he said, "I can't recall."
President Bush told reporters he had accepted the resignation reluctantly, "The country has lost the services of a great legal mind, not the bumbling idiot he appeared to be when speaking publicly. We will continue Alberto's good work of undermining 'unfortunate' portions of the constitution."
President Bush told reporters he had accepted the resignation reluctantly, "The country has lost the services of a great legal mind, not the bumbling idiot he appeared to be when speaking publicly. We will continue Alberto's good work of undermining 'unfortunate' portions of the constitution."
HEINZ DISSIDENT NELSON PELTZ PELTS COMPANY CEO WILLIAM JOHNSON WITH TOMATOES AT LA TOMATINA FESTIVAL
BUNOL, Spain - Billionaire investor and H.J. Heinz Company director Nelson Peltz took his long-running battle against Heinz to Buñol, Spain today for the annual tomato-throwing free-for-all known as La Tomatina festival. Peltz got wind that Heinz CEO William R. Johnson was heading to Buñol, so Peltz booked a jet to Spain, donned goggles and gloves, and bought up baskets of the toughest tomatoes he could find. Peltz refused to squash-up his tomatoes before entering the fray to make them softer, as is customary.Peltz's spotters located Johnson, who was off in a corner of the town square laughing it up with friends. When the cannon fired to start the festivities, Peltz announced that Johnson was "my bitch," then he mercilessly let loose a barrage of tomato-fire at the CEO. Peltz's deadly aim repeatedly struck Johnson about the head and torso. The smile on Johnson's face gave way to a look of fear, and he quickly realized that this, not last year's proxy battle at the Heinz shareholder meeting, was the fight of his life. Johnson tried to run for cover, but he lost his footing and appeared to be dazed by a quick flurry of direct hits to the chin and left ear.
Peltz cackled with delight as Johnson leaned back against the ropes and put his arms in front of his face, the position of submission. Peltz proceeded to pummel him with tomatoes at close range for fifteen solid minutes.
But then, Peltz began to tire. He had used up his tomatoes, and even though Johnson's arms were caked in puree, the CEO was rested and relatively unscathed. Suddenly Johnson came off the ropes and lowered his arms from his face. He grabbed a handful of tomatoes and, with a furious second wind, landed a series of direct blows to Peltz's head. In less than fifteen seconds, a stunned Peltz staggered backward and fell to the ground unconscious. Spanish paramedics rushed him to a local hospital.
In the locker room later, a tired but elated Johnson told reporters that he had used the same "rope-a-dope" strategy to stave off Peltz's proxy fight at Heinz. Then Johnson declared: "I am the greatest heavyweight of all time."
SEN. CRAIG: 'I WANTED TO NAIL THAT OFFICER, BUT NOT THE WAY YOU THINK'
Sen Craig: "I am Sooooo not gay
"WASHINGTON -- Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, today announced that he had completed a nationwide, undercover sting operation against a suspected ring of airport-based gay police officers he said have been cruising bathroom stalls.
"As part of my ongoing probe, I recently went so far as to pose as a Nancy Boy at the Minneapolis Airport where I was able to identify a homosexual undercover police officer who brazenly allowed me to tap his foot, peer into his stall and engage in hand signals," the senator announced. "As part of my undercover role, I was even able to penetrate the sanctum sanctorum of gay life, the airport court, where I managed to plead guilty to disorderly and peeping charges, both long known as signals used in the gay police community as a 'come on' for sex. Before I was able to actually nab these people in an actual sex act by allowing them to rub my buttocks, the liberal media blew my cover."
Sen. Craig, long known as an advocate of traditional family values, said his investigation took him to airport restrooms across the nation as well as to several bars at which he went undercover by dressing in a ball gown, high heels and mascara, posing as a lesbian in hopes of uncovering gay sex by policewomen.
In a lengthy statement to reporters, Sen. Craig demanded that law enforcement crack down on gay restroom police sex and vowed to continue his probe "even if I have to wear a disguise like maybe a sequined blue jumper over lace panties and an underwire bra."
Fellow conservatives hailed Sen. Craig's efforts to crack down on gay sex, calling him "a man of vision, perception and great thighs." "Where liberal Democrats talk about so-called tolerance and acceptance, Larry Craig has been forthright in his pursuit of the people who would endanger traditional marriage between a man and
several women," said Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah.
several women," said Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah.
Sen. Hatch's views were echoed by Sen. David Vitter, R-La., who warned against interpreting Craig's one-man sting as a sign of intolerance.
"I know Larry Craig like I know my own wife," Sen. Vitter said. "He's an open and decent man who simply wants to protect the American family from the gay agenda. Neither Larry nor myself have personal animosity toward these lithe young law officers who clearly need guidance. I have nothing, for instance, against lesbians. I have all of their movies."
Not all conservative leaders were ready to forgive, however. "Larry Craig is right to try to bust these sickos, but they must be punished as a warning to others," said conservative evangelist Ted Haggard, who won plaudits from pro-family groups last summer for his extensive undercover work in the gay massage-and-narcotics trade in the western states. "These people ought to be whipped. First they ought to be lashed across their naked buttocks with whips. And not just ordinary whips, either. Whips with little pieces of metal on the end. And it ought to be videotaped and put online. That'd teach those sickos a little decency."
BUSH SENDS MARSHALL DILLON TO HOMEWOOD; PRES SAYS STRAIGHT-SHOOTING LAWMAN WILL CLEAN UP TROUBLED NEIGHBORHOOD
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush signed an executive order yesterday transferring United States Marshal Matthew Dillon from his current jurisdiction in Dodge City, Kansas to Homewood. The transfer is effective immediately. “Marshall Dillon is a lawman with impeccable credentials,” said the President. “He has, through the force of his personality, and excellent marksmanship, brought many a bad man to justice. I am confident he will be able to use those same skills to bring order to the streets of Homewood .”
The President said Dillon’s transfer was proof that his pledge to rid inner-city neighborhoods of the scourge of cattle-rustling was “something he takes seriously.”
Marshall Dillon spoke to reporters while packing personal effects in his Dodge City office shortly after receiving his new assignment. “The first thing I’m going to do when I get to Homewood is talk to the locals and let them know I’m on their side. The blacksmith's stable should be a good place to start.”
Dillon said he would miss Dodge City, particularly the gentle, homoerotic verbal jousting between his faithful deputy Festus Haggen and Dr. Galen Adams. “I’ve always believed Doc had a thing for Festus, if you know what I mean,” said Dillon, with a wink. Residents of Homewood said they were looking forward to the arrival of their new Marshal. Miss Kitty Russell, proprietress of the Long Branch Convenience Store and Lotto, was particularly excited. “I can hardly wait to begin a long-smoldering passion for Marshall Dillon that will remain unrequited,” said Russell. “I haven’t been this excited since they repealed prohibition.”
Guy in opposite stall outraged cop chose Sen. Craig, not him
He could never love you the way I could, says angry state assemblyman
PRESIDENT BUSH URGES AMERICANS TO REMEMBER THE LESSON OF VIETNAM
“BEFORE ANY MAJOR CONFLICT, WE ALL NEED TO MAKE SURE WE ARE WELL-CONNECTED AND RICH, SO THAT WE WILL NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO TO WAR OURSELVES.”
REPUBLICANS ASK CAPITOL HILL POLICE TO CLOSE & LOCK ALL CLOSET DOORS
Democrats will try to block the request; "We always enjoy seeing what comes out," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
'Just Kidding!'
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and president Bush reveal they were "just kidding" moments after Gonzales announced his resignation.
SIDNEY CROSBY CLOSING IN ON YET ANOTHER SCORING TITLE
Penguins star is just a few late nights away from breaking the scoring record for a Canadian under 21, previously held by mario Lemieux
JAILHOUSE SNITCH LIST TOPS PITTSBURGH’S MOST-READ LIST; CARNEGIE LIBRARY CAN’T KEEP ENOUGH COPIES ON SHELVES
ANONYMOUS TRACT ALREADY IN THIRD-PRINTINGPITTSBURGH - An anonymous list naming one-hundred and twenty-six individuals accused of cooperating with law enforcement officials tops this weeks most-read list, according to sources in the local publishing industry.
“This is going to be bigger than Martin Luther King’s ‘Letter from a Birmingham Jail,’ and, to a lesser extent, its’ sequel, ‘Grocery List from a Birmingham Jail,’ said John Wallace, spokesman for Stool Pigeon Press.
The Jailhouse Snitch List, as it’s entitled, is the work of an author who remains unnamed. The desire for anonymity makes one thing perfectly clear to Wallace: “We can state with absolute certainty the list wasn’t written by Jim O’Brien.” O’Brien is a popular local author who has written and published over nine hundred books in the past six months. He is currently in Mexico doing research on a biography of former Pirates relief pitcher Enrique Romo.
Speculation abounds over who will claim the writing credit. Wallace offered his opinion. “I know a lot of folks are saying its Joe Klein, because the style is so similar to his own.” Klein, a long-time political reporter for New York Magazine, among others, penned the best-selling novel “Primary Colors,” under the name “anonymous.”
On a related note, Pittsburgh Public School officials released a cautious, qualified, endorsement of the list. It said, in part, “While we lament the poor spelling and syntax used by the author, and cannot condone the sentiments contained therein, we are glad to see so many of our young people reading again.”
VICK PLEADS NOT-GUILTY BY REASON OF DYSLEXIA; SAYS HE WAS ACTUALLY RUNNING A GOD-FIGHTING RING
ATLANTA -- A federal grand jury today indicted Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick on nine counts of conspiracy for his involvement in a Jesus-fighting ring. Vick, who earlier this week pleaded guilty to conspiracy in connection with a dogfighting ring, was accused of pitting the savior against other deities and several Old Testament prophets and betting on the results."We found that, shortly after agreeing to plead guilty to the dogfighting charges, Mr. Vick was introduced to Jesus Christ," said U.S. Attorney Elroy Blankenship Jr.. "Federal investigators later found Mr. Christ chained to a wall in Mr. Vick's basement where he had been trained to engage in death struggles with, among others, Mohammed, Moses, Siddhartha Buddha and, briefly, L. Ron Hubbard."
Among counts in the indictment are accusations that Mr. Vick "severely beat Buddha when he refused to fight Jesus."
A federal magistrate set Thursday for a bail hearing at which Mr. Vick is expected to enter a plea of "better than you."
UPMC TO TAKEOVER PITT
Board of Trustees says the move "was inevitable, really"; school mascot to change from "Panthers" to "Prophets"
Gun Freeze Hurts Kids
HARRISBURG -- A planned four-day freeze on gun sales in Pennsylvania has prompted a lawsuit by one lawmaker and more than two dozen gun dealers. The suit alleges that they received insufficient notice from state police about the planned September 2-6 interruption in sales, which falls during the crucial back-to-school gun sales blitz. "Every year, kids need a new backpack, binder, sneakers and a Double Action Beretta. The back-to-school season is like Christmas for gun dealers," said gun dealer Amos Dorfman.
Gun dealers have also complained that the planned sales freeze occurs during the first few days of hummingbird and naked mole rat hunting seasons, which usually prompts a spike in shotgun sales. Rep. Timothy Solobay, D-Washington County, one of the plaintiffs, said, "This is just bad planning, no one wants to see the school year get off to a bad start like this."
Gun dealers have also complained that the planned sales freeze occurs during the first few days of hummingbird and naked mole rat hunting seasons, which usually prompts a spike in shotgun sales. Rep. Timothy Solobay, D-Washington County, one of the plaintiffs, said, "This is just bad planning, no one wants to see the school year get off to a bad start like this."
MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL ADMITS HE HAD FINGERS CROSSED WHEN HE MADE "PITTSBURGH PROMISE"
PITTSBURGH PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS ASK HOW MAYOR CAN GET $9,000 TO GO GOLFING BUT ONLY RAISE $10,000 FOR THEM TO GO TO COLLEGE
TEN STEELERS' ROOKIES COME DOWN WITH KNEE INJURIES
All were considered 'on the bubble' for making the team; Tomlin blames Jerome Bettis for giving them the idea
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)