STEELER MASCOT LEAVES CAMP OVER CONTRACT DISPUTE; “STEELY’S GOT TO TAKE CARE OF STEELY,” SAYS ANGRY MCBEAM

LATROBE - Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam walked out of training camp last night, apparently upset that negotiations with the club over a new contract have reached an impasse. A note left in his dorm room contained a terse explanation: “Until I receive the money I’m worth, kindly refer to me as The Mascot Formerly Known as Steely McBeam.”

McBeam apparently left immediately following his dinner at the St. Vincent dining hall with President Bush and Afghan president Hamid Karzai. McBeam’s representative, super-agent Thad Gould, confirmed McBeam’s departure. “Steely has always been a team player. But with his current compensation package, Steely is nothing more than a well-paid slave. At this point in his career, Steely’s got to take care of Steely.”

Gould said he had spoken to his client and fully supported his decision. “We’ve done everything possible to let this organization know that Steely wants to remain here. But Steely’s got a family, and he has to think of their long-term financial security.” Gould said he didn’t know when McBeam would return, or who would perform the mascot duties in his absence. “I know Steely was scheduled to fly to the Vatican this morning for an audience with the Pope.” Gould refused to say whether McBeam would meet with Pope Benedict. “My number one concern at this point is getting Steely back in camp, under contract, and feeling good about his situation. Everything else is secondary.”

STEELY'S LURID PAST HAS STEELER NATION CONCERNED

PITTSBURGH - Recently discovered photographs and videos from the late 1970s and early 1980s suggesting that Steeler mascot Steely McBeam has appeared in porno films are fueling controversy in the Steeler Nation.

First, reports surfaced last Friday in the blogosphere that McBeam was a member of the Village People in the late '70's. McBeam brushed off the allegations, claiming it was actually his brother, Steeley Dan, who was a member.

Over the weekend, more serious allegations emerged that McBeam appeared in a porno flick in the early 1980s called simply "Steely McBeam." The title and the resemblance of the main character to McBeam are raising some eyebrows, and other appendages, among Steeler fans. Steeler officials are considering asking McBeam "for a nether-regions comparison" to rule out his involvement.

The mayor's office has promised to "get our arms around this issue and conduct an in-depth probe" of the so-called Steelygate scandal, or as some are calling it, the SteelyGay-t scandal.

For our complete Steely McBeam coverage, click here

STEELY MCBEAM ADMITTED TO PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL; MUCH-MALIGNED MASCOT BATTLING DEPRESSION

PITTSBURGH - Only hours after signing quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to a multi-year contract, the Pittsburgh Steelers announced that mascot Steely McBeam has checked himself into a psychiatric hospital to deal with “personal issues.” The much-maligned McBeam, who was forced to enter the Federal Mascot Protection Program after fans became incensed by his presence at Heinz Field, is reportedly enduring a grueling series of electro-shock therapy sessions in a desperate attempt to return in time for the Steelers first home exhibition game in August.

A Steelers official would not elaborate on the nature of those personal issues, but it is rumored that Mr. McBeam is battling depression. Late yesterday, a spokesman for the McBeam family issued a statement expressing gratitude for the numerous gestures of sympathy and support they have received from professional sports mascots around the world, and asking for privacy while Mr. McBeam gets the help he needs. Mr. McBeam has kept a low public profile since the conclusion of football season, only making an occasional appearance as a celebrity panelist on the Friday evening edition of WQED’s “On Q.” He was spotted several times last week by morning rush-hour commuters walking along Smithfield Street clad only in a terry-cloth robe and slippers.

Reaction to news of McBeam’s illness was mixed. Dave Corbett, of O’Hara, said he hoped Mr. McBeam gets well soon, “so I have the opportunity to make fun of him again.”

JENNA BUSH CALLS OFF ENGAGEMENT, WILL WED STEELERS' MASCOT STEELY McBEAM INSTEAD

WASHINGTON - The White House announced that first daughter Jenna Bush's engagement to Henry Hager is off but the wedding will go on as scheduled tomorrow with a new groom -- Steeler mascot Steely McBeam. Miss Bush commented: "Once you've had Steely McBeam, other men seem like, well, Democrats."

STEELERS FILE MISSING PERSON REPORT ON STEELY MCBEAM

“We don’t think he just skipped town. He may be a victim of foul play,” Pittsburgh Police commander said

SOUTH SIDE --- Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam, who has not been seen in public since September 12, is now the subject of a police investigation. Mr. McBeam was last seen helping to inaugurate the Steelers-themed airplane in mid-September, but he failed to show up for scheduled appearances at the Steelers-Buffalo and Steelers-49’ers games. Team officials filed a missing-person report this morning.

“Usually when someone goes missing, there are three possibilities,” Pittsburgh Police Chief Nathan Harper said today. “One possibility is that he just skipped town. People do that all the time --- just look at how the city’s population has declined. But the thinking around the precinct is that he may have harmed himself, or he’s become a victim of foul play.”

McBeam was booed when he made his first appearance at Heinz Field for the August 11 preseason game with the Packers. “Being booed by 60,000 people can have a profound psychological effect on anyone,” Harper said. “When the Steelers are booed, at least they have each other to rely on. But Steely’s got no one on his side. If he fell into a deep enough depression, he may have jumped off any one of our bridges.”

Chief Harper, though, thinks foul play is more likely. “We have 60,000 people who proved that they hate him. Plus there’s a few people over at the Post-Gazette who wanted him gone. A lot of people had motive and opportunity.”

Harper said he’ll put a few detectives on the case, but he doesn’t think they’ll make a big effort to find the mascot. “To be honest, none of the officers really liked him from the get-go. I don’t think they’ll be beating the bushes looking for him.”

STEELY MCBEAM SALUTES CASKET OF FALLEN STEELER DWIGHT WHITE, PHOTOGRAPHER CAPTURES ICONIC IMAGE FOR POSTERITY

(Pittsburgh) - Steely McBeam saluted the casket of former Pittsburgh Steeler Dwight White today, bringing tears to the eyes of billions of mourners watching the televised funeral on television sets around the globe. The spontaneous tribute by the beloved Steelers mascot, which is destined to become an iconic image, was upstaged by the moving eulogy to Mr. White delivered by Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy, who is recovering from brain surgery, ascended to the lectern at Our Lady of The Forearm Shiver Church and spoke in a trembling voice. “Dwight need not be idealized, nor enlarged in death beyond what he was in life. A good and decent defensive tackle who saw a gap, and tried to fill it, saw a running back, and tried to hit him, saw a quarterback, and tried to rip his head off. As he said so many times on gridirons across this nation, to those he head-slapped, and those who sought to chop-block him: "Some men see things as they are, and say, 'hmmm, that’s nice.' I dream things that never were and say maybe it was something I ate.”

Senator Kennedy concluded his remarks by urging those in attendance to carry on the good works of the man affectionately known as “Mad Dog” to members of the Steelers nation. Mr. White will be buried in the former NFL standout section of Arlington National Cemetery.

STEELER NATION GIVEN PERMANENT SEAT ON U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL; SECURITY COUNCIL REJECTS STEELER NATION'S CALL FOR NUCLEAR STRIKE AGAINST CLEVELAND

NEW YORK - The United Nations General Assembly voted to give Steeler Nation a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council yesterday, but rejected the call by Steeler Nation to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against Cleveland before the Browns September 9, 2007, home opener against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon made the announcement following the U.N.’s morning meeting. “The scope, size, and strategic importance of Steeler Nation make it imperative that it receives full membership status on the Security Council.” Ki-Moon said he relayed the news to Steeler Nation ambassador Steely McBeam via secure video conference, and that he expected McBeam to play a vital role in helping to shape global security. “Ambassador McBeam was delighted,” said Ki-Moon. “He repeatedly thrust his arms over his head and leaped up and down.”

McBeam’s expressions of glee diminished, however, when the Secretary General told him the Security Council was not the place to seek retribution against rival NFL franchises. “He said his first order of business was to introduce a resolution authorizing the use of tactical nuclear weapons against Cleveland. And then he wanted to know how to use U.N. troops to capture and execute Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. I told him we didn’t do those sorts of things,” said Ki-Moon. “After he heard that, he buried his head in a yellow towel and began to weep.”

LOCAL WOMAN TIES THE KNOT WITH STEELY McBEAM

Bridesmaids fit Fredericka Carlisle of Brentwood with veil; the new Mrs. McBeam says she "can't wait to see if Steely has a giant [penis] that resembles a puppet."

PALS EXCHANGE GIFTS

Senator Larry Craig presents Steeler mascot Steely McBeam with a lovely crystal vase from the "We're Not Gay - Really" citizens association. McBeam presented Craig with a long, stiff beam courtesy of the "Not Gay Steelworkers, Local 88."

STEELERS SWITCH MASCOTS, FANS ECSTATIC

In a surprise about-face, the Steelers today mothballed Steely McBeam and introduced his replacement, Busty McBeam. By all accounts, Steeler Nation is welcoming the change with open arms.

"Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout." Said Glen Grusinski of Natrona. "A mascot we can all get down with . . . if you get my meaning!"

STEELER FANS GIVE STEELY MCBEAM COLD RECEPTION

New mascot has received numerous death threats, now travels with round-the-clock secret service protection

Steely McBeam busted in scandal with Sen. Larry Craig

The Steelers’ beloved mascot was arrested after shaking his foot in a bathroom stall next to Sen. Larry Craig

KING'S RESTAURANT REVEALS IT IS MASTERMIND BEHIND STEELERS MASCOT

"STEELY MCBEAM WAS JUST A RUSE DESIGNED TO DIVERT ATTENTION TO THE TRUE WORST MASCOT OF ALL-TIME, THE FROWNIE"

STEELY McBEAM CAUGHT IN COMPROMISING POSITION WITH BILLS' MASCOT BUFFALO BILL IN MEN'S ROOM ON 400 LEVEL OF HEINZ FIELD

STEELERS TO BRING BACK MALE CHEERLEADING SQUAD

“We wanted to do something for our loyal female fans,” team president Art Rooney says. “But since Steely McBeam got such a negative reaction, we’re not going to use steelworkers for the squad.”

SOUTH SIDE --- The Steelers are returning to their roots for their 75th anniversary, announcing today that a male cheerleading squad will make its debut at the next Steelers home game. The team had a male cheerleading squad called the Ingots in 1962, but it was disbanded after only one year.

The squad will be simply called The Men, a reference to Coach Mike Tomlin’s frequent use of “men” and “the men” for the current team. But don’t look for any steelworkers to be gyrating on the sidelines.

“With all due respect to our city’s heritage, the image of the steelworker is passé,” team president Arthur Rooney II said. “We’re going to assemble a squad of iconic men that represent the Pittsburgh of today. Each man in The Men will have his own costume and persona. It’ll be sort of like The Village People, but without the overtly gay references.”

Rooney said the five characters will be:

- The Mayor, complete with briefcase and a “Party On, Dude” t-shirt. The Mayor character will also be responsible for driving the squad’s SUV to games, concerts and bars.

- The Nerdy but Sweet Computer Geek. Steelers officials hope to cast a real Carnegie Mellon student or professor for this role.

- The Strong Safety with Hair with Long, Flowing Hair. “Troy [Polamalu] offered to play this role while the offense was on the field, but Dick LeBeau nixed it,” Rooney said. “Plus he was injured in the game with Arizona, so that probably would have affected his dance moves.”

- The Hostess Ho Ho Delivery Guy. The character will launch Ho Ho’s, Pittsburgh’s favorite treat, into the crowd. “We’re having a little trouble modifying hot dog launchers,” Rooney said. “The Ho Ho’s are shattering into little pieces of foil, cake, and cream. We’ll get it fixed, though. I think we just need to adjust the air pressure of the cannons.”

- Jackson the Elephant, well-known stud, by special arrangement with the Pittsburgh Zoo.

HELLS ANGELS WHO TRIED TO KILL MICK JAGGER IN 1969 ARE CHIEF SUSPECTS IN PLOT TO KILL STEELY McBEAM

POLICE: VICIOUS GANG DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY STEELER MASCOT DANCES

MR. ROONEY: STEELY McBEAM'S DUI 'INEXCUSABLE' SINCE BELOVED MASCOT WAS NOT HEADING FOR A BAPTISM

US AIRWAYS’ CEO DOUG PARKER: “WE SCREWED UP”

Company painted Steelers logo on both sides of new plane’s tail “when we all know the Steelers have the Steelmark on one side only”

PITTSBURGH --- In a hastily arranged press conference, US Airways’ CEO Doug Parker issued a full apology to Steelers fans worldwide for the paint scheme on the company’s new Steelers plane. The plane debuted last week, and almost immediately fans jammed the company’s customer service lines complaining that the familiar hypocycloids should have been placed on the right side of the plane only.

“Passengers will put up with a lot,” a disheveled Mr. Parker said today. “Flight delays and lost luggage are par for the course. But the mistake with the Steelers logo has everyone up in arms. People calling our customer service line are even blaming us for Steely McBeam, and we had absolutely had nothing to do with him.”

Raymond James analyst Bob Brenneman downgraded US Airways from “hold” to “sell” on the news. “Geez, these people are idiots,” Brenneman said. “They dominate the Pittsburgh market, and then they go and do something like this. I didn’t think it was possible for them to alienate passengers more than they have, but they somehow managed. The Steelers have had the logo on one side of their helmets only since 1962; where have they been for the last 45 years?”

CEO Parker acknowledges the outrage, but hopes the controversy will subside in a few days. “Let me assure everyone that heads will roll. We have taken the plane out of service, we’re re-painting the left side of the tail plain black, and then we’ll find out who’s responsible,” he said. Parker also confirmed that the re-painting will take place in Pittsburgh’s maintenance hangar. “At the risk of enraging fans further, I will tell you that the original paint job was done in our Cleveland facility. In hindsight, that might not have been our best idea.”

DAN ONORATO CALLS IN PA GOVERNOR ED RENDELL TO ASSIST IN 'BEEFING UP' PITTSBURGH BORDER PATROL IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUTH EMIGRATION SURGE

ONORATO FEARS MORE YOUNG PEOPLE THAN EVER WILL ATTEMPT TO FLEE AS RESULT OF NAMING OF NEW STEELERS MASCOT, 'STEELY MCBEAM'

'MY NAME IS STEELY MCBEAM, AND I’M AN ALCOHOLIC.'

"Sir, you're under arrest for driving under the influence and for impersonating a mascot."