EDITORIAL: MOUNT LEBANON CORRECT TO ISSUE DEATH WARRANT FOR ICE CREAM VENDOR DUE TO EXCESSIVE TRUCK MUSIC

EDITORIAL - It is my duty as a fair-mined observer of the human condition to set the record straight on behalf of the misunderstood residents of Mt. Lebanon.

Some will brand as "harsh" the decision of Mt. Lebanon Borough Council to issue a death warrant for an elderly ice cream vendor whose truck blares music through the ritzy streets of this upscale community.

In fact, the warrant is anything but harsh.

The warrant was issued in response to the complaints of civic-minded Mt. Lebanon residents about music from an ice cream truck belonging to one "Chuck" Greenberger, owner of Chuck's Ice Cream.

Exactly who does this 83-year-old peddler think he is, forcing his frozen confections and horrid music on Mt. Lebanon's distinctive way of life? The people don't want him here, and he knows it.

What is Mr. Greenberger's defense to this? His trucks need to play music, he kvetches, or "the kids ain't gonna know I'm there." He adds: "Laws like this could be the end of the ice cream trucks." On and on he blathers, one twisted assertion cascades upon the next until they collapse on each other to reveal a Rorschach inkblot of serious criminality.

It is unjust to misconstrue the residents' complaints as niggling bellyaching from well-to-do folks who have nothing better to do than to interfere with an elderly man's attempts to eke out a living. You see, Mt. Lebanon has to draw a line in the sand here and now in order to keep interlopers like "Chuck" Greenberger out, or it will be overrun by even more serious criminals.

Perhaps even mass murderers, like, for example, Richard Baumhammers, who went on a killing spree in April 2000 and killed five people. Admittedly this is not a perfect analogy since Baumhammers actually resided in one of Mt. Lebanon's most exclusive neighborhoods at the time of the murders. But you get the point.

T-ball coach who ordered hit on autistic child is granted bail, hired as Pirates' pitching coach

PITTSBURGH - Mark R. Downs, Jr., a Fayette County T-ball coach, sentenced this month to prison for ordering a little league pitcher to throw at one of his players who is autistic, was freed pending appeals of his conviction and sentence.

But that's not the only good news Downs received today. During a press conference at the Fayette County Jail, Pirates manager Jim Tracy announced that Downs will be the Bucs' pitching coach in 2007, assuming Downs is not serving time in prison.

Tracy read from a prepared statement: "Mark Downs has exhibited the unique ability to motivate his personnel to follow his instructions to the letter, even if those instructions violate universally accepted standards of decency and morality. That's exactly the kind of coach the Pittsburgh Pirates need."

Downs said he will work in the off-season to teach Zach Duke and Ian Snell to throw at opposing batters' groins.

BREAKING NEWS: CHIRAC SAYS "PARIS NEVER HAS ROLLED OVER, NEVER WILL ROLL OVER, FOR THUGS"

MORE VIOLENCE IN IRAQ: SHIITES GUN DOWN CHIEF FOE SUNNI CORLEONE ON CAUSEWAY IN RETAILIATION FOR MURDER OF SOLLOZZO HUSSEIN

IRAQI PRIME MINISTER NOURI AL-MALIKI WANTS TO ARRANGE A MEETING WITH THE HEADS OF THE FIVE FAMILIES: "THIS WAR STOPS NOW"

DENNIS REGAN'S OFFICE EFFECTS SOLD IN YARD SALE IN FRONT OF CITY-COUNTY BUILDING

REGAN WONDERING IF MAYOR "IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING"

PITTSBURGH - City of Pittsburgh Operations Director Dennis J. Regan, under investigation for allegedly quashing a disciplinary action against a detective who is the brother of Regan's housemate, was said to be "concerned" this morning after learning that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl personally removed his office effects to the front of the City-County Building and erected a sign that said: "Dennis Regan Yard Sale." Another sign said: "Everything must go." Ravenstahl told city employees to "get as much as you can for this crap, but get rid of it." Chief of Staff Yarone Zober, 31, has taken Mr. Regan's former office next to the Mayor's.

Ravenstahl has not announced whether he wants Regan to stay in his administration.

"There's nothing to read into that [yard sale]," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "The Mayor loves the neighborhood feel of a yard sale, that's all."

RAVENSTAHL NAMES RENFIELD DIRECTOR OF GENERAL SERVICES

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl has named R.M. Renfield, a recent escapee from the Bedlam Lunatic Asylum, as Director of General Services.

Dr. Van Helsing, director of patient services at the Bedlam Asylum, hailed the news. "I’ve said it many times. The proper place for the deranged in our society is not on the streets," said Van Helsing. "It’s on the city payroll."

Ravenstahl made the announcement at a news conference held this morning. The Mayor said he hoped the hiring of Renfield would help remove the stigma associated with people adjudicated criminally insane. "Children of the night!" he began, before correcting himself. "I mean, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have a sign on my desk that says 'you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.' In that spirit, I give you Director Renfield." Ravenstahl then ushered the newest member of his administration to the podium.

Overcome with emotion, Renfield could muster only a few words. "Master! Master!" he shouted, before emitting a low, guttural whine. Ravenstahl quickly directed Renfield to an exit. "Director Renfield has pledged his absolute obedience to me," said the Mayor. "And may I add the people of this city are going to love the work this vile wretch is going to perform, particularly in the area of pest removal."

Mayor Ravenstahl said Renfield planned to begin an ambitious program of cockroach extermination. "Director Renfield will personally supervise their removal," said the Mayor. He added, "I am confident Pittsburgh will be entirely bug free within days."

RENDELL TELLS REPORTERS HE'S NOT HIDING CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL UNTIL ELECTION IS OVER

MUFFLED NOISES EMANATE FROM NEARBY CRATE

"As with everything, Mr. Casey, you're wrong -- I am not a 'desperate campaigner' . . ."

". . . But I will say this: If you win this election, with my bare hands, I personally will destroy three major office buildings downtown Pittsburgh; and if you have any sons, I'll do to them what Mark Foley only dreamed about."

TED WILLIAMS' HEAD THAWED OUT FOR ANNUAL PRESS CONFERENCE

"SPLENDID SPLINTER" RAILS ON ABOUT LOST ART OF HITTING IN CRYONICS COMPANY'S YEARLY MORBID PUBLICITY STUNT

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. - The head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams was reanimated yesterday at the cryonics company where it has been stored since 2002, just as it is every year during the World Series, so that Williams could lecture, reprimand and cajole the press on a variety of subjects. Although the "Splendid Splinter" spewed his customary disdain for modern hitters, he had little new to say.

PRESS CONFERENCE HAS BECOME ANNUAL AFFAIR

Following Williams' death on July 5, 2002, his body was flown to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation where it was severed from its head via a procedure known as neuroseparation. The body immediately was stored in a 9-foot cylindrical steel tank, and the head was placed in a steel can filled with liquid nitrogen.

At the end of every baseball season, scientists at Alcor gingerly remove the head from the can to thaw it out. Then they administer a series of electric shocks that serve to reanimate it for approximately two hours before it finally tuckers out.

Although critics decry Williams' annual press conference as a morbid publicity stunt for Alcor, "Teddy Ballgame's" legion of fans eagerly await their hero's annual appearances.

Immediately upon being revived, Williams confers with several friends who bring him up to date on the past year's events -- mainly about fly fishing, politics and especially baseball. The first question Williams asks his confidants is always the same: "Did anyone hit .400 this year?" The answer is always "no." Williams was the last player to hit .400, a feat he accomplished in 1941 when he batted .406.

Then the reporters are ushered into the lab so that Williams can hold court. Williams always starts the press conference with a wisecrack -- invariably he apologizes for not being able to tip his cap to the press corps "because I don't have any arms," a comical reference to the fact that throughout his career he refused to tip his cap to his adoring Boston fans. Next Williams vexes the assembled by insisting that someone hold the book he authored, The Science of Hitting, close to his eyes so that he can read a chapter aloud, much to the chagrin of the disinterested reporters

THIS YEAR, NOTHING NEW TO SAY

This year's press conference stayed true to form but offered no new insights into Williams' life or career. In past years, Williams has been so high-spirited that he has gone so far as to serenade reporters with "Take me out to the Ballgame." But this year Williams appeared to be in a prickly mood and, for the first time since his death, abruptly refused even to answer questions at the end of his lecture. The reporters were ushered out of the lab and the door was closed, but Williams could be heard vehemently arguing with Dr. Bob Haas, Chief of Staff at Alcor, over Alcor's fee for the neuroseparation procedure, which remains largely unpaid. Williams also severely reprimanded Haas for not shaving him in the past year. As Williams ratcheted up the decibel level, a "thud . . . thud" came from the lab, as if a watermelon had been dropped, and Williams suddenly was silenced. Then came the sound of the lid on the steel can being sealed.

So for another year, Ted Williams rests in peace -- and pieces. As the reporters trudged through the hot Alcor parking lot they muttered that they hoped next year the once-great slugger would give them something more to write about.

PITTSBURGH BREWING ISSUES COMMEMORATIVE CHAPTER 11 BEER BOTTLE

BELOVED BROADCASTING ICON MYRON COPE TAPPED TO TEACH EVGENI MALKIN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh broadcasting icon Myron Cope, retired since 2005 as the Steelers' color commentator, has volunteered to teach the Pittsburgh Penguins' newest star, Russian Evgeni Malkin, how to speak English. Cope has been intensively tutoring the 20-year old for the past two weeks.

Cope said he took the assignment because of his enthusiasm for Malkin's abilities with a hockey stick. "Mmm-Hah!" he exclaimed, his eyes bulging, "this Russian kid, he's - he's - he's almost quadruple yoi!" Cope became so excited that his words melted into a stammering convoy of misplaced syllables, making him sound more like Porky Pig than one of the most astute sportswriters of the past 50 years. Eventually he veered back to discernible English. "I'm gonna teach the lad to, you know, speak the King's English and what have you. So everything's gonna be Okel Dokel. Mmm-Hah!"

Mario Lemieux, in the process of selling the Penguins, said: "I can't think of anyone more qualified to teach Evgeni how to speak English than Myron, except perhaps Yankees great Yogi Berra."

Contacted for this story, Malkin told a reporter: "Вы, г-н Справлять, для учить, что я поговорил английскую язык."

NFL FINES DALLAS CLARK FOR MEDIOCRE TOUCHDOWN CELEBRATION DANCE, MAKES CHOREOGRAPHY MANDATORY FOR ALL WHITE TIGHT ENDS, RECEIVERS

Clark’s performance was "an affront to the entire league, and all who dance in it."

NEW YORK - Commissioner Roger Goodell fined Indianapolis Colts tight end Dallas Clark ten thousand dollars for a touchdown celebration dance he attempted to perform in last Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins. Goodell made the announcement this morning at his weekly press conference. He was joined at the podium by NFL Under Secretary for Showboating, Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. Goodell called Clark’s performance "an affront to the entire league, and all who dance in it."

Goodell said he had reviewed tape of Clark’s end zone dance numerous times, from multiple angles. Each time, he reached the same conclusion. "I can find absolutely no rhythm in his movements at all," said Goodell.

Goodell continued: "Our fans have come to expect that when a player scores, he is going to provide a celebratory dance of breathtaking skill and beauty. Dallas jerked to and fro like a headless chicken in its death throes. This kind of dance will not be tolerated."

In addition to fining Clark, Goodell introduced mandatory choreography lessons for all white NFL receivers and tight ends.

Teams of professional dancers will be visiting every NFL franchise this week to provide much-needed dance instruction to rhythmically-challenged players. "We need to send a message to our white players that if you’re going to score, you’re going to have to act in a way that draws attention to your unsportsmanlike actions with grace and style. There is no room for bad dancing in our league."

LUDACRIS TO DO BENEFIT CONCERT FOR PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY TO OVERCOME $1 MILLION DEFICIT

RAPPER SAYS, "I ALWAYS TRY TO HELP STRUGGLING MUSICIANS"

HANS BLIX, FORMER U.N. ARMS INSPECTOR, FINDS NO EVIDENCE OF FOREIGN SUBSTANCE ON BALL USED BY TIGERS PITCHER

ST. LOUIS - When Detroit pitcher Kenny Rogers was caught in game two of the World Series with a smudge of indeterminate origin on his left hand, the home plate umpire, Hans Blix, did not accuse him of doctoring the ball and refused to look for evidence of a foreign substance. Blix merely asked Rogers to wipe the smudge from his hand, which Rogers did, and Rogers proceeded to pitch as if nothing had happened. Many fans are openly questioning why Blix failed to scrutinize the situation more closely.

This is not the first time Blix has found himself mired in controversy. Blix is the former chief UN arms inspector in Iraq who claimed he found no evidence that Saddam Hussein harbored weapons of mass destruction. Blix retired from service with the UN in 2003 and went to school to become a major league umpire. This is his first World Series.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow bristled at Blix's handling of the smudge incident: "[Blix's] insistence on turning a blind eye toward [Kenny Rogers'] infraction is a rehash of his malfeasance in Iraq. His negligence back then threatened the security of the free world, and his negligence last Sunday threatens to do worse; namely, compromise the outcome of the World Series."

OMNIMAX THEATER BOWS TO COMPLAINTS: WILL STOP SHOWING COWHER'S WEEKLY PRESS CONFERENCE ON MASSIVE SCREEN BECAUSE IMAGE OVERWHELMS VIEWERS

PITTSBURGH - The Rangos Omnimax Theater at the Carnegie Science Center has decided to stop showing Bill Cowher's weekly press conference on its massive, domed screen in the wake of numerous complaints that the image was overwhelming a disproportionate number of viewers, causing many to experience motion sickness and some even to pass out.

Richard Lee, director of the Theater, explained that Cowher's "chin and dismissive icy glares" are all wrapped around a 79 foot diameter aluminum dome, projected through the largest film frame in the motion picture industry using a 15,000 watt, short-arc Xenon lamp and an 1800 fisheye lens. The result is a vivid, many say unsettling, image.

Cowher's voice and his "guttural grunts of disgust and evasion" are transmitted through 15,200 watts of sound via 44 speakers.

In the end, Lee and his colleagues decided the combination of Cowher and the Omnimax was simply too much for the viewers. "It got to the point where we had to have an ambulance waiting outside," said Lee. "We needed to end it before somebody really got hurt."

STEELERS LOSE, BUT NATE WASHINGTON WOWS JUDGES WITH TOUCHDOWN CELEBRATION DANCE

ATLANTA - Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Nate Washington was awarded a perfect score by the judges of the ABC television series "Dancing With the Stars" following the routine he performed in the end zone after catching a ten-yard touchdown pass from Ben Roethlisberger late in the second quarter of Sunday's 41-38 overtime loss to the Falcons.

"You never want to lose a game," said Washington. "But hopefully we can use my perfect score as something to build on for next week."

Washington said he spends a lot of time in practice each week working on his touchdown celebration dance, despite the fact that he is currently the number four receiver on the depth chart. "Hopefully, I showed the coaching staff and my teammates today that when I get the opportunity I can showboat with any receiver in this league."

Coach Cowher revealed Washington's score during his post-game news conference. "I just finished a conference call with Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli," said Cowher. "The judges were unanimous in their appraisal of Nate's celebration booty-shake. I am pleased to report that Nate received a perfect score." When pressed for specifics, Cowher was reluctant to elaborate. "Carrie Ann said it was 'passionate,' Len described it as 'fantastic,' and Bruno called it 'a playful, sexy romp.'" Cowher also said that Tonioli felt Washington was "destined for induction into the Hall of Fame of Hips." Cowher said he was proud of Washington. "Nate left it all out there in the end zone today."

BIG BEN MIRACLE: THE ONLY REMNANTS FROM SUNDAY'S BLOW TO HEAD ARE BLACK SCARS DIRECTLY BENEATH BOTH EYES

JOIN US EVERY FRIDAY: CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ON WDVE MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY

"[T]he city's equivalent of The Onion" (The New York Times) and "[o]ne of America's great Web sites" (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) on the highest rated radio show in Pittsburgh.

Here are the stories covered on our most recent appearance on The Morning Show:

*With his lead narrowing in the upcoming Senatorial election, Bob Casey checked himself into UPMC for a charisma augmentation procedure. Casey was admitted after complaining that he felt dull and ordinary.

*In the latest Senatorial debate, Rick Santorum tried to boost his low approval rating among gay voters by saying, quote, “Would it help if I admitted that at this very moment, I am picturing Bob Casey without a stitch of clothing, and I really like what I see?”

*President Bush said he will seek U.N. sanctions to stop North Korea from building an Atomic Fireball candy factory. The President vowed to prevent the proliferation of candies of mass destruction.

*People who need people – SHUT THE “F” UP – are the luckiest people in the world, sang Barbra Streisand at Madison Square Garden, in an outburst that elicited frenzied applause. Thereafter Streisand sprinkled the “F” word throughout every song, including “F-ing memories, like the corners of my mind.”

*The United Nations has adopted a resolution to stop the international sex slave trade. It’s first target: the Congressional page program.

*Ed Benedict, the chief animator behind the Flintstones, died at the age of 94. On the half-mile ride to the cemetery, the hearse passed the same crudely-drawn rock house and cactus 47 times.

*The Kansas City Chiefs credit the idea for last Sunday’s hair-pulling tackle of Troy Polamalu to the work of a special scout assigned to the women’s roller derby league. Next week the Chiefs are going to try bra snapping.

*Happy news: Entertainer Madonna has adopted Mayor Luke Ravenstahl.

*The Pirates shored up their starting rotation by signing the T-ball pitcher who intentionally threw at an autistic boy in response to his coach’s offer of $25. General Manager Dave Littlefield said this is exactly what the Bucs need, a pitcher with pinpoint control and a willingness to follow directions even if they are repugnant to all standards of decency.

*Coach Cowher credits obese, shirtless men in the crowd as critical to Sunday’s win over the Chiefs. The coach said, quote, “If those fat slobs can climb out of their recliners to root for us, we have an obligation to win for them.”

RAVENSTAHL RESPONSE LINE OUTSOURCED TO A HELP DESK IN INDIA

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's "Ravenstahl Response Line," a call center where city residents can register non-emergency questions and complaints with the city by dialing 311, has been outsourced to a help desk in India.

The Mayor announced that callers would receive the same efficient response they would receive if the Response Line were headquartered in Pittsburgh but conceded that "that there is a language barrier with the Indian operators, and that some of the operators don't have any idea what the caller is saying. But that would be true for Pittsburgh-based operators as well."

Some callers complained that regardless of their complaint, the operator's advice was always the same: "Turn off the machine, count to ten, then turn it back on."

Ravenstahl said that outsourcing the Response Line was part of an economy effort that will save the city millions of dollars. "If this works out," he noted, "we're going to outsource city council to New Delhi."

EX-CONGRESSMAN FOLEY RENTS SPOOKY OLD MANSION IN GEORGETOWN, PLANS TO STAGE HAUNTED HOUSE FOR CHARITY TO REHABILITATE HIS IMAGE

THE HOUSE WAS OWNED BY THE LATE AVIATOR RUTHERFORD PAGE, WHO DIED TRAGICALLY IN A PLANE CRASH. IT HAS LONG BEEN RUMORED THAT A GHOST INHABITS THE PAGE HOUSE, AND THAT FOLEY INHABITS THE HOUSE PAGES.

VAST QUANTITIES OF ORANGE JUICE, ICE ARE RUSHED TO NEW BRIGHTON TO HELP COMMUNITY DEAL WITH ETHANOL SPILL

JENNIFER ANISTON AND VINCE VAUGHN STARRED IN "THE BREAK-UP," THEN NEARLY BROKE UP DUE TO HIS RUMORED AFFAIR

COINCIDENCE? NOW ANISTON IS REALLY WORRIED BECAUSE VAUGHN HAS BEEN CAST TO STAR IN PART 2 OF "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN"

STEELERS LOSE ONE THEY SHOULD HAVE WON: D.A. ZAPPALLA SAYS COACH COWHER WILL NOT BE PROSECUTED IF HE EXECUTES NATE WASHINGTON, OTHERS

BIG BEN IS KNOCKED OUT!

TRAIN DERAILMENT AT CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER'S MINIATURE RAILROAD AND VILLAGE DUMPS TWO OUNCES OF ETHANOL, FORCES EVACUATION OF 30 MINIATURE HOMES

EVACUATED HOMEOWNER: "I SAW FLAMES SHOOT UP FOUR INCHES INTO THE SKY. THE EXPLOSION FELT LIKE SOMEONE'S KNEE BUMPED THE PLATFORM. "

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL WANTS TO SOCK EVERY WORKER WITH LUMP SUM $52 TAX IN JANUARY INSTEAD OF SPREADING IT THROUGHOUT THE YEAR

"I'M SORRY, I CAN'T EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T EARN A BIG SALARY. SEE, I JUST GOT A $40,470 RAISE WHEN I BECAME MAYOR, WHICH IS A LOT FOR A 15-YEAR OLD."

LATEST STINGRAY STABBING OF BOATER CALLED COPYCAT ATTACK

LAST MONTH'S STINGRAY ASSAULT ON "CROCODILE HUNTER" STEVE IRWIN TRIGGERS IMITATOR ATTACKS BY STINGRAYS SEEKING NOTORIETY, SAYS EXPERT

LIGHTHOUSE POINT, Fla. - An 81-year-old boater was in critical condition Thursday after a stingray flopped onto his boat and stabbed him, leaving a foot-long barb in his chest, authorities said. The attack came just four weeks after the one that killed "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin.

Dr. Velveeta Lugosi-Alou, who has tracked stingray attacks for three decades, said that whenever a high profile attack is given media coverage around the world, as Steve Irwin's attack was, it triggers other stingrays to seek similar notoriety, often using the same methods and leaving similar victims. "That's what happened here," she said.

"I don't think we've seen the end of the cycle," Dr. Lugosi-Alou warned. "For the next several weeks, boaters and divers need to be very careful of imitation assaults."

THIS ONE'S NOT A HOAX: JOE PATERNO DROPS DIRTY BOMB IN HIS PANTS

HazMat team called in to handle clean-up . . .

COUNCIL PREZ SHIELDS CALLS OVERSIGHT BOARD "THE PHANTOM FIVE," WANTS THEM TO ANSWER TO CITY COUNCIL

"JUST LOOK AT THE GREAT JOB CITY COUNCIL AND THE MAYOR HAVE DONE, RACKING UP $1 BILLION IN DEBT -- AND NO THANKS TO THE UNTOUCHABLES ON THAT OVERSIGHT BOARD!"

Kim Jong-Il attributes his despotic behavior to sexual abuse by the same priest who molested Congressman Foley

PYONGYANG - North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il revealed today that Rev. Anthony Mercienca, 69, the priest who molested ex-Congressman Mark Foley as a boy, also molested Kim when he was a teenager. In an interview unprecedented for its candor, Kim pointed to sexual abuse by Father Mercienca as the root cause of his despotic ways.

"When I act out by exhibiting cruelty or dishonesty or sexual excesses, or when I conduct illicit nuclear tests, that's the abused altar boy, not me," said Kim. "Although I attribute my inappropriate, despotic behavior to the trauma I sustained as a young adolescent, that does not excuse me of my actions."

Father Mercienca, retired and living on the Maltese island of Gozo, admitted to reporters having relations with Kim four decades ago and provided details of the encounters, including the time the two were naked in a sauna together, and the times Father Mercienca touched Kim, "once, maybe twice."

"My one regret," said Father Mercienca, "is that I taught Kim a game that I called 'Let's show each other our nuclear missiles,' and I'm afraid that game had too much of an influence on him."

NEW REALITY SHOW FEATURES PEOPLE WATCHING REALITY SHOWS

GROUPS TO COMPETE STAYING AWAKE THE LONGEST, CHANGING CHANNELS THE FASTEST, EATING SNACK FOODS WHILE WATCHING OTHER REALITY SHOWS

HOLLYWOOD - "The thing that's most real about reality television," producer Bradleys Roadhouse was saying over a cup of mocha chai latte, "is that real people are watching it."

And that's all Roadhouse needed for television's newest reality show, "Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero?" premiering this Friday on the Carbolic Smoke Ball (CSB) television network.

The premise is that groups of strangers compete against each other to see who can stay awake the longest, eat the most snack food and change the channel the fastest -- while watching other reality TV shows. "It will be scintillating television," said Roadhouse.

"We're going to come out smoking," said Roadhouse. "The first show, we've got two groups of college lesbians pitted against each other in a 'find the remote' competition. They'll wrestle and claw at each other, and hopefully even rip each other's clothes off, to get at that remote." Roadhouse smiles broadly. "Finally, quality TV in a reality show setting."

If all goes as planned, Roadhouse has a spin-off in the works that will show real people watching this show. He calls it, Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero Watching the Original Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero Show?

MAYOR MEETS WITH BUMS AT PUBLIC HEARING, WILL RENAME MARKET SQUARE "WINO CENTRAL"

PITTSBURGH - Declaring "I have heard the voice of the people," Mayor Ravenstahl announced this morning that he is renaming Market Square "Wino Central." The name change is effective immediately.

Ravenstahl made the announcement following a hearing held to solicit public input on the future of Market Square. The Mayor's remarks were met with the sound of someone clearing his throat, isolated outbursts of profanity, and scattered murmurs.

Several winos inclined on Market Square benches briefly raised their heads before returning to sleep. The hearing, held in front of The Original Oyster House, was attended by Mayor Ravenstahl, City Planning Director Pat Ford, Jack Piatt, chairman of Millcraft Industries, the developer in charge of the project, and several hundred homeless people.

"For as long as I can remember, this place has been home to some of the area's leading panhandlers. I can think of no better way to honor their lives, and their contributions to our region, than to change the name of this hallowed square," said Ravenstahl. "Panhandling is a high-growth industry. We need to let our young people know that if you're interested in panhandling as a career, there's a place right here for you to learn - and eventually practice - your trade."

Ravenstahl said the new Wino Central would feature strategically placed brown bag dispensers on every corner, as well as state-of-the art sleeping boxes. The Mayor said plans are also in place for a new LCB superstore in the heart of the square, along with a statue of former KDKA newsman Bill Burns.

FANATICAL PENGUINS FAN TRIES TO ETCH SIDNEY CROSBY'S NAME ON STANLEY CUP

TORONTO - An Oakland Catholic High School student was detained at the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto after she was found clinging to the Stanley Cup, which is on display in the Hall.

The fanatical 16-year old Penguins fan, whose name is being withheld in accordance with this Web site's policy not to print the names of persons accused of crimes at the Hockey Hall of Fame, was wearing a Penguins "Puck Hat," an autographed Marc Andre Fluery ("29") sweater and bracelets proclaiming her allegiance to the IPF, "Intense Pens' Fans." Hall of Fame security guards, assisted by three retired Toronto Maple Leafs who happened to be making an appearance at the Hall, including a slow moving Tie Domi, pulled the young woman away from the famous Cup after she refused to relinquish a death grip on it. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said that the young woman was found to be in possession of a primitive engraving tool that she admitted she intended to use to etch the name "Sidney Crosby" onto the Cup.

As the young woman was being led out of the Hall of Fame, she repeatedly sobbed, "This was Sid's only chance to get his name on that Cup! This was Sid's only chance to get his name on that Cup! I came so close!"

EDUCATOR SAYS THERE IS NO "BOY CRISIS" IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS; CONGRESSMAN FOLEY BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF

BOARD OF AFRICAN AMERICAN CULTURAL CENTER IS THANKFUL AUGUST WILSON ABANDONED PITTSURGH SO CENTER COULD BE NAMED AFTER HIM

A 1902 CITY ORDINANCE PROVIDES THAT STRUCTURES WITHIN PITTSBURGH MAY ONLY BE NAMED AFTER PERSONS WHO LEFT TOWN PRIOR TO THEIR DEATH

PITTSBURGH - Board members of the August Wilson Center for African American Culture are thrilled that the Center's namesake left Pittsburgh for greener pastures many years before his death so that the Center could be named after him. Ground was broken for the Center yesterday on Liberty Avenue between Smithfield Street and William Penn Place.

A 1902 city ordinance allows structures within the city limits to bear a person's name only if such person had departed Pittsburgh to assume residency elsewhere prior to his or her death. It is permissible for such persons to be buried in Pittsburgh.

The Center's President and CEO Neil A. Barclay opined that the law is a good one. "The way I look at it, if a person had the good sense to leave Pittsburgh, well, maybe they deserve to have a building named after them."

Barclay noted that numerous famous Pittsburghers are believed to have left town simply so they could have a structure named after them, including Andy Warhol, Rachel Carson, Jonas Salk, Andrew Carnegie and Henry Clay Frick. "August never admitted it to me," Barclay said, "but I think that's why he left, too."

US MAGAZINE NAMES KIM JONG-IL WORLD'S HOTTEST SOCIOPATH

NEW YORK - This week’s issue of the popular celebrity weekly US Magazine names North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il as the world’s "hottest sociopath." Jong-Il placed first in worldwide voting, garnering more votes than second place finisher Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and third place challenger Martin Sanders. Ahmadinejad is the President of Iran. Sanders is a thirty-nine year old Pittsburgh firefighter accused of exposing himself to a Heinz Field concession stand employee during last Sunday’s Steelers game against the Kansas City Chiefs.

The magazine cited Jong-Ils "windswept hair, stylish eye-wear, and nuclear weapons" as the key ingredients that "make our hearts swoon, and tremble with fear at the same time." Hours after US Magazine bestowed the award on Jong-Il, veteran Entertainment Tonight anchorwoman Mary Hart announced that she would fly to Pyongyang for a face-to-face interview with the dangerous megalomaniac.

"Our viewers expect all of the latest, hottest, behind the scenes news on matters of national security," said Hart. "My ET exclusive with the world’s hottest sociopath will deliver all of that, plus a few surprises!" Hart has been granted access to Jong-Il’s entourage, including his stylist, personal assistant, and security chief.

"Keep it tuned right here to ET to find out the latest, breaking news on all things Jong-Il," said Hart. "Including how he feels about Brad and Angelina’s scuffle with the press, and just when he plans to incinerate America’s west coast!"

MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACK SIDELINED INDEFINITELY, TO BE REPLACED BY ARMCHAIR GENERAL

PITTSBURGH - Monday morning quarterback Bradleys Roadhouse suffered a recurrence of the torn rotator cuff that plagued him last year from overuse of the TV remote and has been placed on the injured reserve list. His wife said he will be replaced by his equally annoying brother, armchair general and know-it-all Noahs Roadhouse.

MALKIN'S RUSSIAN TEAM SUES PENGUINS BUT PENS DON'T EVEN KNOW IT; SERVICE OF COMPLAINT MADE ON ZOO INSTEAD OF HOCKEY TEAM

PITTSBURGH - Evgeni Malkin's former Russian Super League team, the Metallurg Magnitogorsk, has sued the Pittsburgh Penguins claiming that the Pens tortiously interfered with the Russian team's contract with Malkin by signing him to play in Pittsburgh.

The complaint does not seek money damages but requests entry of an order directing the entire Penguins organization, including all players and front office personnel, to report to a former Soviet Gulag on the Solovetsky Islands in the White Sea for extended incarceration. "There," the complaint asserts, "the venal capitalists will be subjected to the malnutrition, extreme production quotas, appalling housing conditions and woefully inadequate hygiene attendant to the life befitting one interferes with another's contract."

Penguins' team officials had no comment on the suit because the team has not been formally served with the complaint. An official of the Pittsburgh Zoo confirmed that attempted service was erroneously made on certain of the zoo's penguins late this afternoon, but the birds refused to accept service.

ASTRONOMERS: LAW FIRM REED SMITH WILL DEVOUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE BY 2056 AT THE CURRENT RATE IT GOBBLES UP OTHER LAW FIRMS

CUBS HIRE LOU PINIELLA PROMPTING NEW LAW REQUIRING ALL MLB MANAGERS TO BE BRANDED ON THE BUTTOCKS WITH THE INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED RECYCLING SYMBOL

SANTORUM, STRESSING HIS ITALIAN HERITAGE, HITS CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITH CHEF BOY-AR-DEE

PHILADELPHIA - Dressed only in a sleeveless undershirt, with several gold chains draped around his neck, and yelling, "Hey Paisano" to everyone he saw, newly ethnic Senator Rick Santorum made a series of campaign appearances yesterday designed to highlight his Italian-American heritage.

Joining Santorum was the famous Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, the celebrated Italian culinary giant credited with bringing spaghetti-o’s to American shores.

Speaking to patrons at Bonelli’s Sub Shop and Salon on 9th Street in South Philadelphia, Santorum took a few bites from his sandwich before telling the crowd, "I’m just an Italian kid from a steel town." He then yelled, "Mama Mia! That’s a spicy meat-a ball!" Chef Boy-Ar-Dee smiled, and the crowd roared its approval.

John Brabender, chief media strategist for the Santorum campaign, said the failure of the candidate to cut into challenger Bob Casey’s lead in the polls forced Santorum to play the race card. "Chef Boy-Ar-Dee brings us instant credibility with Pennsylvanians of Italian descent. He is as authentically Italian as Rick."

Santorum will appear today at a Quaker service, and Brabender said that "the long-haired guy with the hat from the Quaker Oats label" will join Santorum. But Brabender quickly added: "Other than that, from now on, Rick is an Italian-American."

Brabender said since Santorum made the decision to jettison his heretofore deracinated self, the Senator has spent at least several hours each day learning to speak with his hands. The Senator is also receiving private lessons in an attempt to master the game of bocci. "Once he learns to throw it instead of placing it on a tee and striking it with a club, he’s going to be fine," said Brabender.

HAWAIIAN EARTHQUAKE UPDATE: DON HO STILL TRAPPED IN TINY VOLCANIC BUBBLE

HAWAII'S GOV. LINGLE SAYS STATE IS SAFE FOR TOURISTS, "THE MEDIA HAS TAKEN THIS WHOLE EARTHQUAKE THING OUT OF CONTEXT"

GOV. RENDELL CLIMBS LADDER IN MARKET SQUARE AND TOSSES MONEY TO DELIGHTED CROWD, REMINDS PITTSBURGH TO VOTE

PITTSBURGH - In a Market Square campaign rally downtown Pittsburgh before an enthusiastic crowd last night, Governor Ed Rendell pledged that he would "continue to be a prudent and responsible steward of your hard-earned tax money."

Then he climbed a ladder with a basket filled with money and began tossing bills to the delighted, grasping hordes of onlookers. "Let's spread some of this hard-earned tax money around to the voters," he yelled. Police estimate that the Governor gave away in excess of $1 million dollars.

At one point a step on the ladder appeared to be bending beneath Rendell's considerable girth, but he simply moved up a step, which seemed more secure.

As the bills gently floated down in the cool October night air, Rendell's spirits soared. "You've heard of trickle-down economics," Rendell roared to the crowd, "well, this is float-down economics."

Some called Rendell's largesse a blatant attempt to buy votes in the election three weeks away. Rendell disagreed. "At no time did I suggest to this crowd that there is a quid pro quo to vote for me in exchange for this money," he said. "These good people can reach that conclusion on their own."

MADONNA ADOPTS MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL

RARE PHOTO: ROLLING STONES AT CHURCHILL DOWNS

BEFORE THE GROUP TOOK THE STAGE, THEY SURPRISED THEIR FANS BY RACING AROUND THE TRACK: MICK JAGGER, WITH HIS TOOTHY GRIN AND FLOWING MANE, FINISHED FIRST; KEITH RICHARDS BROUGHT UP THE REAR

FIREFIGHTER ARRESTED FOR EXPOSING SELF AT STEELERS GAME

ARRESTING OFFICER REFUSES TO PROVIDE DETAILS: "HE'S A FIREFIGHTER WITH AN EXTENSION HOSE -- USE YOUR IMAGINATION"

JURY SELECTION BEGINS IN TRIAL OF JOEY PORTER'S DOGS; DOGS' LAWYER SEEKS CHANGE OF VENUE TO A GRANT STREET FIRE HYDRANT

NEW POLL REVEALS VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE LIE IN POLLS

POLL HAS MARGIN OF ERROR OF 100%

U.N. RESOLUTION AIMS TO STOP INTERNATIONAL SEX SLAVE TRADE, STARTING WITH CONGRESSIONAL PAGE PROGRAM