QUEEN ELIZABETH SECRETLY STUDIES HELEN MIRREN'S PORTAYAL OF HER IN "THE QUEEN" TO MAKE SURE SHE "GETS IT RIGHT"
LONDON - A spokeswoman for Queen Elizabeth II has publicly dismissed as "fiction" Helen Mirren's performance of the longtime British monarch in The Queen, but insiders reveal that the real-life Elizabeth regularly studies a bootleg copy of the flick frame-by-frame, and that she has taken to imitating Mirren's portrayal of her down to the most minute detail -- Mirren's gestures, her walk, her expressions. The Queen even recites verbatim long-stretches of dialogue from the film even though it has no application to the conversation, much to the chagrin of confused palace insiders. Last week when the Queen was involved a disagreement with her husband, Prince Phillip, she looked at him icily and said, "Exactly what are your credentials aside from playing the farmer in Babe?" an apparent reference to Mirren's co-star in The Queen, actor James Cromwell who portrayed Phillip.
The tension created by the Queen's behavior reportedly came to a head last weekend when Prince Charles confronted the Queen and asked why she feels the need to imitate Helen Mirren's portrayal. "I don’t need to imitate her imitating me," the Queen snapped. But then she conceded: "Of course, if I forget how it goes, I can watch the movie and imitate her imitating me, which is what I do. Yes, if you must know, I live vicariously through her being me."
OUR TEEN FILM CRITICS: K.C. JORGENSEN AND HER BOYFRIEND (AND BROTHER) LARS JORGENSEN REVIEW THE OSCAR CONTENDERS
TRANSLATION INTO ENGLISH BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAHOLLYWOOD - The Carbolic Smoke Ball once again calls upon our teen film critics, K.C. Jorgensen and her boyfriend, and brother, Lars Jorgensen, to review the Oscar contenders. We flew them from Sweden to our Hollywood offices so they could give this report.
THE QUEEN
K.C.: This Queen is a person we didn't know about beforehand so, of course, we were appalled by her wealth, her riches, utterly appalled.
LARS: Appalled because she's really old.
K.C.: That's not why we were appalled, [expletive deleted]. From what we can gather, this Queen is still alive. Lars and I discussed it afterward. We felt bad that she lost her ex-daughter-in-law, even though this Queen only felt bad because everybody liked the daughter-in-law and not her. But we think this Queen should give all her riches to the proletariat.
LARS: Yah . . . and her husband's a real vagina, too.
[K.C. slaps LARS across the chest]
LARS: That hurt!
[K.C. kisses LARS on the lips]
BABEL
K.C.: "Babel" showed us that we are all different, yet all connected.
LARS: That is profound, K.C. And the naked Japanese chick was really hot!
[K.C. slaps LARS on the chest]
LARS: Ouch!
K.C.: But we learned a lot from this picture; for example, did you know that Mexicans drink to excess . . .
LARS: Yah, I want to be Mexican!
K.C.: And we learned that you should never give a rifle to someone in the Middle East, because it might be used to shoot up a bus with Westerners, which is bad.
LARS: The whole movie was bad, if you ask me. Except for the Japanese girl, because she showed everything.
THE DEPARTED
K.C.: Leonardo plays a bad boy who's really a good boy. He's really hot, and I'd like to get to know him if he's reading this.
LARS: Bitch!
K.C.: The point of the movie was . . . well, I don't know what the point of the movie was. It was all killing and bad language.
LARS: Yeah, this was my favorite of the five.
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
K.C.: The whole film is in English subtitles, so I felt like I was in a f****** library instead of a theater.
LARS: They, like, dug tunnels to hide from the Americans, and even though they ran out of food etc., they were always clean-shaven.
K.C.: I wonder if they shaved their chests.
LARS: The point was that the Japanese were good, and the Americans were good. It was the war that was bad.
K.C.: [wipes tears from eyes] That was beautiful, Lars.
LARS: Only that naked Japanese chick from the other film should have been in this one, too.
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
K.C.: A light-hearted romp across America with quirky liberal characters that don't ring true, and the point was that you should do whatever you want in life.
LARS: Yah, it seemed like it was fun, but it really wasn't. And you shouldn't just do what you want in life, anyway.
K.C.: That's right [she puts her on Lars' crotch]
FILMGOER SUES POST-GAZETTE CRITIC BARBARA VANCHERI FOR FAILING TO INCLUDE "SPOILER WARNING" TAG IN REVIEW OF "LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA"
COMPLAINT: "PLAINTIFF WENT INTO THE MOVIE KNOWING FROM THE OUTSET THAT THE JAPANESE LOST THE BATTLE, THUS SIGNIFICANTLY DIMINISHING THE PLEASURE REASONABLY EXPECTED FROM A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION."
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: BREAKING NEWS: Tom Cruise accidentally eats part of new daughter along with placenta
LOS ANGELES - Joy turned to tragedy this afternoon when Tom Cruise accidentally ate part of his newborn daughter, named L. Ronda Hubbard-Cruise, moments after his fiance, 27-year old Katie Holmes, gave birth. According to a nurse in the delivery room who asked not to be identified, Cruise was happily munching on placenta when "he just kept eating -- he must've thought the little girl was part of the placenta." Katie Holmes witnessed Cruise's unintentional cannibalism and wanted to scream out, but the "silent birth" tenets of the Church of Scientology, to which she and Cruise belong, prevented it. After a struggle, the nurse pulled the ravenous Cruise away from the infant.
The little girl weighed 7 pounds 7 onces at birth, and 5 pounds 2 onces after Cruise ate part of her.
AUTOPSY REVEALS KING KONG DIED OF MASSIVE HEART ATTACK; “TWAS CHOLESTEROL KILLED THE BEAST,” SAYS FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST
PITTSBURGH - An autopsy performed by Allegheny County Coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht at the request of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the American Zoological Institute shows that the famed gargantuan King Kong did not, as was originally believed, die as a result of biplane-delivered bullet wounds. “After examining all available film of Kong at the top of the Empire State building frame by frame, I surmised that the actions of the giant ape -- hand clutching chest, facial contortions, arms gesticulating wildly in severe agitation -- were consistent with those of someone suffering cardiac arrest. When I opened him up, my initial diagnosis was confirmed. Kong’s heart was in terrible condition, no doubt a result of his poor dietary habits while residing on Skull Island. Eating human sacrifices day after day is terrible for your cholesterol level, and so on and so forth - no matter what my esteemed colleague Dr. Atkins believed." Wecht said initial remarks by an unnamed police officer claiming “the airplanes finally got him” were nothing more than “the unprofessional, imbecilic, juvenile assertions of a glorified boy scout.”
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: CHENEY, RUMSFELD ENJOY PRIVATE SCREENING OF “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN”
WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld took in a private screening of “Brokeback Mountain” at a Washington D.C. multiplex Sunday night and, according to a highly agitated Mrs. Cheney, were “visibly moved.” The film, directed by Ang Lee, is a critically acclaimed tale of two cowboys who fall in love set against the backdrop of the American West. “Many times during the movie I looked at Dick and he was nodding his head,” said Mrs. Cheney. “Several times I saw Secretary Rumsfeld reach over and pat his hand. I’m not sure what that was all about.”
According to ushers sweeping the theater, Cheney and Rumsfeld were still huddled in their seats at least ten minutes after the house lights were raised after the credits finished. Vice President Cheney appeared to be crying. Leaving the theater, a red-eyed Cheney refused comment but walked directly to his limousine with Secretary Rumsfeld. The two men embraced before Cheney entered the car and returned home, presumably with his wife. When a reporter asked Rumsfeld how he enjoyed the movie, he smiled and said “I’ve lived it.” Asked about the propriety of men engaging in acts that some people find morally objectionable, Rumsfeld paused. “Stuff happens,” he said. “Free people should be free to make mistakes.”
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: DEMI MOORE ACCIDENTALLY MARRIES RING BEARER
HOLLYWOOD - In the mix-up of all Hollywood mix-ups, Demi Moore was supposed to remarry ex-husband Bruce Willis last week. but ended up marrying the ring bearer, young Ashton Kutcher. "It was the damnest thing," said Bertuska Somnambula, High Priestess of the Kabbalah religion who presided at the ceremony. "I said 'Do you take this woman . . .,' and Ashton piped up, 'I do.' Well, in the Kabbalah religion, that's the end of everything. She's his forever."
In a brief interview, Moore told reporters that being married to Ashton requires major adjustments. "Like I had to go out and buy him a car seat."
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: BIN LADEN NAMES FORMER DISNEY EXECUTIVE JEFFREY KATZENBERG SUCCESSOR TO AL-ZARQAWI
CAIRO, Egypt - Osama bin Laden released his second audio tape in as many days today, naming former Disney executive Jeffrey Katzenberg as successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who was killed in a U.S. airstrike June 7, to head al-Qaida in Iraq.As head of Disney's motion picture divisions for ten years, Katzenberg was considered the heir apparent to former Disney CEO Michael Eisner until Eisner passed him over for a promotion to become the company's president. Katzenberg bolted to co-found DreamWorks SKG with Steven Spielberg and David Geffin. He was viewed as a dark horse to succeed al-Zarqawi because of his Jewish heritage.
"This appointment is a testament to Jeffrey's incredible intellect and talent which, sadly, Michael Eisner did not properly recognize," said Disney director emeritus and major shareholder Roy Disney in a prepared statement.
Bin Laden's message touted Katzenberg's "incredible" output of "pro-Islamic motion pictures," especially Aladdin. "You, Jeffrey, are Allah's trusted soldier who will liberate the Muslim nation from the serfdom of the crusaders in our countries," bin Laden's message said.
Bin Laden also mentioned that Robin Williams' work as the genie in Aladdin "cracked me up."
LUCILLE BALL VOTED MOST BELOVED STAR IN NEW POLL; CBS TO EXHUME HER FOR NEW SERIES
CBS OFFICIAL: "THIS WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME THAT [CBS HAS] DISINTERRED LUCY TO BOOST [ITS] MONDAY NIGHT LINEUP."HOLLYWOOD - CBS may have found the solution to its sagging Monday night lineup in, of all the unlikely places, Hollywood's fabled Forest Lawn Cemetery.
A Rollings Institute poll showing that Lucille Ball remains America's most popular star more than 16 years after her death did not go unnoticed at Black Rock, CBS's midtown Manhattan headquarters. CBS President Leslie Moonves immediately contacted Ms. Ball's daughter, Lucy Arnaz, and asked permission to disinter the Grand Old Lady of comedy, who is buried at Forest Lawn, in order to salvage the network's moribund Monday night lineup. Ms. Arnaz agreed without hesitation.
"Leslie sent over a case of those chocolates that my mother and Vivian [Vance] stuffed in their mouths in the chocolate factory episode [of 'I Love Lucy']. That was enough to sell me on the idea," Ms. Arnaz explained. "I told Leslie, 'Let the disinterment begin!'"
In the new show, to be called Lucy's Back, CBS plans to team Ms. Ball's corpse with Michael Richards, who played Kramer in the hit series "Seinfeld," as a wacky mother-son duo running a struggling Miami hotel. "It will be a match made in zanyville heaven," Moonves said. Don Knotts "likely" will be disinterred to play the landlord who incessantly threatens to shut them down. Ms. Ball's and Mr. Knotts' lines will be dubbed-in with their own dialogue from their previous hit series.
A CBS executive revealed that this won't be the first time the network has trotted out Lucy after her death to give its ratings a boost. "Back in the '80's, we didn't reveal that Lucy had already passed away by the time we started shooting the show called -- ironically enough -- 'Life with Lucy.'" The same executive said that CBS's habit of showcasing deceased stars dates back decades. "For example, William Frawley was already dead two years when 'I Love Lucy' debuted, but everybody agrees he was perfect as Fred Mertz. Near the end of the series, it was a real trick keeping the body intact, but the producers pulled it off."
SONY SETTLES SUIT CLAIMING IT CITED PHONY CRITIC IN FILM ADS; DENIES LIABILITY THROUGH FAKE LAWYER
HOLLYWOOD - Sony Pictures Entertainment settled a class action for $1.5 million today, ending a case that accused the studio of quoting a fake movie critic in ads. The suit claimed that Sony made up favorable quotes for ads of its films Hollow Man, The Patriot, and A Knight’s Tale and attributed them to a phony critic named "David Manning of the Ridgefield Press." One of the quotes called actor Heath Ledger “this year’s hottest new star!”Sony issued a written statement denying that "it would ever betray the filmgoing public's trust by inventing a critic simply to have him or her praise Sony films." The statement concluded: "Sony refers all inquiries regarding the class action to its legal counsel, Barkely Givens."
A search revealed that no attorney by the name "Barkley Givens" is licensed to practice law in California, or anywhere else in the United States. When a reporter asked Sony if the attorney was a real person, Sony issued another statement denying that "it would ever betray the public's trust by inventing a lawyer simply to have him or her deny liability."
A reporter contacted the Ridgefield Press in Connecticut to inquire about the imaginary critic "David Manning." A man claiming to be David Manning answered the phone, and the reporter asked him if he had any thoughts on the class action lawsuit. Mr. Manning said: “The frontrunner for this year’s best case!" "A masterpiece! And, “I laughed my a _ _ off! Funny! Funny! Funny!”
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: OUT OF IDEAS, HOLLYWOOD REMAKES TWO-YEAR OLD "LORD OF THE RINGS"
REMAKE FRENZY WILL SPAWN AS MANY AS SIX VERSIONS OF "KING KONG" IN 2007
HOLLYWOOD - Hollywood's dream factory has become a worn-out, retread workshop that is so unashamed of its hand-me-down ideas that next month it will churn out a remake of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King with an all-new cast, despite the fact the original is less than two years old.
In days long gone, only decades-old films were given the makeover treatment, long after the original had faded into obscurity. But the Rings remake underscores the trend to drastically reduce the time between the original and its facsimile. For instance, in June of 2006 Sony will release a remake of The Piano Teacher. If you've never heard of it, that's understandable. The original won't be released until next month.
"The average filmgoer has the long-term memory of an artichoke," said director Emil Tanaka, assigned to do the new Lord of the Rings. "When we release the 'Rings' remake, Mr. and Mrs. Moviegoer will say to themselves, 'Hmm, the name sounds vaguely familiar. Let's go see it.'"
Perhaps the most damning evidence that the major studios are bereft of original ideas is that in 2007, no fewer than four and as many as six versions of King Kong will be released. The second will be a remake of the first; the third, of the second, and so on.
Tanaka tried to sell Hollywood on the idea of redoing the comedy Groundhog Day, but with no takers. "It might be that the plot -- you know, the main character keeps reliving the same insipid events over and over -- hits too close to home for Hollywood," Tanaka said.
MARTIN SCORSESE DISQUALIFIED FROM OSCARS, ADMITS HIS MOST VIOLENT SCENES GHOST-DIRECTED BY THREE STOOGES' DIRECTOR JULES WHITE
White said the scene he is most proud of was in Taxi Driver where DeNiro accidentally sat on a bear trap and frantically ran around the room yelling, "Larry! Larry! An octopus got me!"
HOLLYWOOD - Legendary film director Martin Scorsese, whose signature swirling, white-hot directorial style infuses his films with excitement in every frame, was stripped of his "best director" nomination and disqualified from contention in this year's Oscars' race after admitting that his films' most violent scenes are ghost-directed by the Three Stooges' long-time director Jules White. In a written statement, Scorsese apologized to his fans for taking credit for White's work. "I am ashamed to admit that my films' frequent detours for bursts of explosive, blood-splattered, pop-pop-pop brutality must, in fact, be attributed to the man who invented cinematic mayhem, Jules White."
White spoke briefly with reporters but was in a prickly mood. In a freewheeling, no-holds barred interview, he noted that he is upset with Scorsese for excising an elaborate pie fight he ghost-directed for inclusion in Scorsese's The Departed. White also revealed that Scorsese cut a scene White filmed for Goodfellows where three bowling balls dropped on Joe Pesci's head, causing the NBC chimes to play as each one struck. White credited Robert DeNiro as "the only living actor worthy of Moe Howard's legacy of inflicting pain on his co-stars." He added that "DeNiro is almost as fine an actor as Moe was." White said the scene he is most proud of directing was in Taxi Driver where DeNiro accidentally sat on a bear trap and frantically ran around the room yelling, "Larry! Larry! An octopus has got me!"
HOLLYWOOD - Legendary film director Martin Scorsese, whose signature swirling, white-hot directorial style infuses his films with excitement in every frame, was stripped of his "best director" nomination and disqualified from contention in this year's Oscars' race after admitting that his films' most violent scenes are ghost-directed by the Three Stooges' long-time director Jules White. In a written statement, Scorsese apologized to his fans for taking credit for White's work. "I am ashamed to admit that my films' frequent detours for bursts of explosive, blood-splattered, pop-pop-pop brutality must, in fact, be attributed to the man who invented cinematic mayhem, Jules White." White spoke briefly with reporters but was in a prickly mood. In a freewheeling, no-holds barred interview, he noted that he is upset with Scorsese for excising an elaborate pie fight he ghost-directed for inclusion in Scorsese's The Departed. White also revealed that Scorsese cut a scene White filmed for Goodfellows where three bowling balls dropped on Joe Pesci's head, causing the NBC chimes to play as each one struck. White credited Robert DeNiro as "the only living actor worthy of Moe Howard's legacy of inflicting pain on his co-stars." He added that "DeNiro is almost as fine an actor as Moe was." White said the scene he is most proud of directing was in Taxi Driver where DeNiro accidentally sat on a bear trap and frantically ran around the room yelling, "Larry! Larry! An octopus has got me!"
QUEEN ELIZABETH II HAS A MELTDOWN, SHOCKS SUBJECTS BY SHAVING OFF ROYAL LOCKS, GETTING TATTOOS
LONDON - Queen Elizabeth II caused quite a stir in Great Britain today when she appeared in public to announce that she had cut off all of her hair. The Queen walked outside the gates of Buckingham Palace for nearly ten minutes, chatting with tourists, posing for pictures and soliciting opinions about her new look. “What do you think?” she asked. “Don’t I look like a Hare Krishna?” The Queen then reached under her royal coat and pulled out a tambourine, which she then began slapping off of her royal thigh. She chanted in a loud voice in time with the beat of her tambourine and danced around the gates, before members of the Black Guard gently led her into a Royal Ambulance. According to one high-ranking official inside the Media Relations Department at Buckingham Palace, the Queen flew to Esther’s Haircutting Studio in Tarzana, California this weekend on a whim. “She’s been acting very strange lately,” said the official. “Especially since the death of her good friend Anna Nicole.” The official was referring to the recent passing of the gold-digging one-time fried-chicken stand employee-former stripper-eleventh grade dropout Anna Nicole Smith, a frequent guest at the Queen’s summer castle in Balmoral, Scotland.
While in California , the Queen is rumored to have obtained two tattoos. One is a series of Chinese characters across her left bicep, which, translated into English, means “Rule Strong.” The other, a butterfly being swallowed by a viper, is allegedly at the base of her spine, just above her buttocks.
BRITNEY SPEARS CHECKS SELF IN, OUT OF INSTANT OIL CHANGE/REHAB FACILITY
FACILITY GUARANTEES BOTH AN OIL CHANGE AND A REHAB IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES -- "OR YOU DON'T PAY!"
CLINT EASTWOOD TO DO FOUR MORE IWO JIMA FILMS THIS YEAR
HOLLYWOOD - Acclaimed actor and director Clint Eastwood announced today that he will direct four more Iwo Jima films this year. Eastwood noted that he exhausted all of his fact-based material about the site of one of World War II's crucial battles in his two Iwo Jima releases of 2006, Flags of our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima. "I used everything I had," Eastwood said. "There's nothing left." Eastwood explained that he will resort to original story ideas for his next four films. One of them will be a buddy-cop film starring Jackie Chan and an as-yet unidentified black comedian. "These two, who are like oil and water, come to the island shortly after the big battle to investigate missing food rations," Eastwood explained. "There will be all sorts of high-jinks about dysentery, racism and so forth. It'll be hilarious."
Another of Eastwood's films will be called Nightmare on Bonsai Street. All that Eastwood would say about that one is this: "Freddy Krueger comes to the island, and mayhem ensues" shortly thereafter. "We're in negotiations to have Godzilla make a surprise cameo at the end of the film, to vanquish Krueger and so forth, but we've not been able to reach terms with [the Japanese company that owns the rights]," Eastwood said.
As for the other two Iwo Jima films, Eastwood said, "I suspect we'll be making those up as we go."
CHIEF ILLINIWEK, UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS MASCOT, ENTERTAINS FANS FOR THE LAST TIME
BELOVED DESECRATOR OF AMERICAN INDIAN IMAGERY VOWS: “I WILL PERFORM NO MORE FOREVER”CHAMPAIGN, ILL. - Chief Illiniwek, the colorful Native American mascot of the University of Illinois, officially retired last night following the conclusion of the men’s basketball game between Illinois and Michigan. “After tonight, I will perform no more forever. I am officially hanging up my war bonnet,” Chief Illiniwek told the student body. The Chief added, “I kind of stole that from Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce, you know. He was one of the all-time greats.”
Following his remarks, Chief Illiniwek put on a tremendous show, pulling out all of the stops in an effort to offend as many Indian tribes as possible. Wearing only a buckskin loincloth, moccasins and a specially made Indian headdress filled with rainbow-colored feathers and flashing neon lights, the Chief led the crowd in full-throated war cries, as well as profane insults directed at the officials.
The game was televised by ESPN, which gave the Chief an opportunity to make ESPN College Basketball analyst Dick Vitale part of the act. During a break in the action, the Chief playfully put Vitale in a head lock, and pulling out his tomahawk, pantomimed the act of scalping, before pretending to be exasperated when he couldn’t find any hair. The crowd went wild. Greg Dorr, a junior from Cincinnati , Ohio, said he was going to miss the Chief. “The only reason I came to this school was because it had the guts to demean the American Indian by allowing an undergraduate to portray him as a buffoon. That’s important to me.”
Speaking to reporters afterward at his tee pee, Chief Illiniwek, whose real name is Carmine LaRosa, grew wistful. “I’ve got no regrets,” he said. “I’ve had a great run.”
KDKA'S BRENDA WATERS INVESTIGATES:
TUESDAY: EVIDENCE INDISPUTABLE THAT LEAD CONTENT IN LUNCHBOXES IS HARMFUL TO CHILDREN
WEDNESDAY: EVIDENCE INDISPUTABLE THAT CHILDREN ARE HARMFUL TO LUNCHBOXES
REPORT: JETBLUE IS OWNED AND OPERATED BY PENNDOT
CEO David Neeleman: “We have no idea what to do with snow and ice on roads or on planes”
HARRISBURG – The Harrisburg Patriot-News reported today that Federal Aviation Administration filings reveal JetBlue Airlines is actually owned and operated by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation. David Neeleman, who is listed as JetBlue’s CEO, is actually a low-level staffer in PennDOT’s northeastern highways division.
Both PennDOT and JetBlue claimed they were caught off-guard by the February 14 storm, and both blamed poor communications for the transportation woes. JetBlue hopes to be back in full operation on February 21; PennDOT hopes to have made at least one pass on its roads by that same date.
JetBlue passengers and Pennsylvania drivers both faced similar problems last week: being trapped for hours without moving, not receiving any information from officials, and being delayed for three or more days before arriving at their final destinations.
Confronted with the FAA paperwork, Mr. Neeleman admitted the truth. “I’m just a flagger for PennDOT. The higher-ups decided to go into other forms of transportation in 1999, and they put my name on the forms. I think they thought they were doing so well with the roads they could run an airline, too. Boy, were they wrong.” As for the poor service for both airline passengers and drivers, Neeleman quipped, “Well, at least we were consistent -- we treated them all equally badly.”
HARRISBURG – The Harrisburg Patriot-News reported today that Federal Aviation Administration filings reveal JetBlue Airlines is actually owned and operated by the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation. David Neeleman, who is listed as JetBlue’s CEO, is actually a low-level staffer in PennDOT’s northeastern highways division.Both PennDOT and JetBlue claimed they were caught off-guard by the February 14 storm, and both blamed poor communications for the transportation woes. JetBlue hopes to be back in full operation on February 21; PennDOT hopes to have made at least one pass on its roads by that same date.
JetBlue passengers and Pennsylvania drivers both faced similar problems last week: being trapped for hours without moving, not receiving any information from officials, and being delayed for three or more days before arriving at their final destinations.
Confronted with the FAA paperwork, Mr. Neeleman admitted the truth. “I’m just a flagger for PennDOT. The higher-ups decided to go into other forms of transportation in 1999, and they put my name on the forms. I think they thought they were doing so well with the roads they could run an airline, too. Boy, were they wrong.” As for the poor service for both airline passengers and drivers, Neeleman quipped, “Well, at least we were consistent -- we treated them all equally badly.”
PIRATES WILSON AND CASTILLO AND FORMER BRITISH PRIME MINISTER WINSTON CHURCHILL MEET TO IRON OUT DIFFERENCES
BRADENTON, Fla. - Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson, Pirates second baseman Jose Castillo and former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill met Tuesday morning to iron out their differences following Wilson's public criticism of Castillo at Piratefest last month. Wilson accused Castillo of not being physically or mentally prepared last season. After the three men emerged from their meeting, insiders speaking on condition of anonymity said that Wilson appeared to be exhausted and that he "sold out" U.S. interests because his concessions allowed Castillo to expand his influence in Eastern Europe, Japan and Asia.
FROM THE FILES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: 2,000 BC
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE ISSUES SEVERE WEATHER ALERT FOR SODOM, GOMORRAH; ALL EVENING ACTIVITIES CANCELLED
CANAAN - The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather alert for the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah effective immediately following the departure of two angels of the Lord visiting the Lot family. The forecast calls for heavy downpours of sulphurous fire over the entire sinning area, with the highest amounts falling over those neighborhoods inhabited by the most wicked residents.
According to Storm Team Canaan Chief Meteorologist Ishmael DeNardo, the powerful storm is a result of several factors. “First, the jet stream has been very active, which allows much needed gulf moisture to surge northward. When that moisture combines with cold air locked in place over the region as a result of a ridge of high pressure coming down from Babylonia, and you factor in our terrible wickedness, conditions are perfect for the creation of golf-ball size brimstone and torrential downpours of fire-rain.” Mr. DeNardo went on to say “when you add the wrath of a vengeful Yahweh, this is the kind of weather you’d expect.”
Mr. Guy Costa, Director of the Sodom and Gomorrah Public Works Department, issued a statement late today assuring citizens that road crews will be working around the clock to clear streets of fire, debris, and the charred remains of the doomed. “Even so,” said Mr. Costa, “If you don’t have to do any traveling tonight, just stay home.”
CANAAN - The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather alert for the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah effective immediately following the departure of two angels of the Lord visiting the Lot family. The forecast calls for heavy downpours of sulphurous fire over the entire sinning area, with the highest amounts falling over those neighborhoods inhabited by the most wicked residents. According to Storm Team Canaan Chief Meteorologist Ishmael DeNardo, the powerful storm is a result of several factors. “First, the jet stream has been very active, which allows much needed gulf moisture to surge northward. When that moisture combines with cold air locked in place over the region as a result of a ridge of high pressure coming down from Babylonia, and you factor in our terrible wickedness, conditions are perfect for the creation of golf-ball size brimstone and torrential downpours of fire-rain.” Mr. DeNardo went on to say “when you add the wrath of a vengeful Yahweh, this is the kind of weather you’d expect.”
Mr. Guy Costa, Director of the Sodom and Gomorrah Public Works Department, issued a statement late today assuring citizens that road crews will be working around the clock to clear streets of fire, debris, and the charred remains of the doomed. “Even so,” said Mr. Costa, “If you don’t have to do any traveling tonight, just stay home.”
BARRY BONDS LEADS MARDI GRAS PARADE IN NOLA'S FRENCH QUARTER
SAN FRANCISCO SLUGGER REVELS WITH THE BEST ON BOURBON STREET
DOG SAVES CLIMBERS
GOVERNMENT CAMP, Ore. - After three climbers and their dog disappeared over a ledge in a snowstorm on Mount Hood, their fellow climbers looked in vain for them. Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away in a small town outside Seattle, a collie named Lassie, owned by 8-year old Timmy Martin, began to bark. "Why is that damn dog barking?" demanded Timmy's mother, 36-year old Ellen Martin. "There's no one in that damn well," she screamed at Lassie. But when Lassie grabbed the car keys from the dining room table and dragged Timmy to the family station wagon, Mrs. Martin began to think something could be wrong. Mrs. Martin, Timmy and Lassie hopped in, and it was off to Mount Hood."Lassie's a smart dog," Mrs. Martin later recounted, "she drove the whole way to Mount Hood. But that barking almost drove me back to illegal narcotics. At some point we're going to have to let someone die just to teach her a lesson." Arriving at Mt. Hood, Lassie quickly organized a rescue team and led the searchers to the stranded climbers in 22 minutes.
TWO ELEPHANTS AT THE PITTSBURGH ZOO ARE PREGNANT, PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TOM BRADY NAMED AS THE FATHER
PITTSBURGH - Dr. Barbara Baker, President of the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium, announced today that two of the elephants residing at the Pittsburgh Zoo are pregnant. In an even more shocking disclosure, Dr. Baker revealed that the “proud papa” of the two calves – expected to arrive in May or June of 2008 – is none other than New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. The mothers, Moja and Savanna, issued a joint statement through their publicist, Christine Papadopoulous, expressing joy that they were carrying the offspring of a certain NFL Hall of Famer. It read, in part: “The evening we spent with Tom is an evening we’ll never forget.” The news comes days after Brady was named as the father of the child currently residing within the womb of his former girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, with whom he shared a three year relationship, and over a week since reports surfaced that he is the father of Daniellynn Smith, daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith. Don Yee, Brady’s agent, told the Associated Press that “Tom and his family are excited about the pregnancies, and want to thank everyone who has shown support, and particularly for their consideration of Tom’s privacy.”
According to Dr. Baker, when Brady learned that he had increased the size of the herd, he immediately offered to donate funds in order to increase the size of the elephant barn. “Tom made a generous donation” said Baker. “I am confident he will do the right thing and honor his paternal obligations.”
SIRIUS AND XM ANNOUNCE AMBITIOUS PLANS
NEW YORK The titans of satellite radio, Sirius and XM, announced plans to merge. The new company will reduce operating costs, provide greater variety to subscribers, and will build a Death Star by 2010. With the resources of both companies at their disposal, executives said they plan to put a man, rumored to be shock-jock Howard Stern, on the moon within two years. There are no plans to bring the man back.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S WILL FAILS TO RESOLVE WHO WILL INHERIT ESTATE
19-PAGE DOCUMENT PURPORTED TO DIVIDE FORTUNE BETWEEN DECEASED SON AND BARBARO
BUSH PERPLEXED WHEN ASKED IF HE EVER THINKS ABOUT HIS LEGACY
PREZ CONFIDES IN AIDE: "I DON'T EVEN OWN A SUBARU"
FIRST LOOK: BRITNEY SPEARS
NEWLY SHORN SPEARS LAYS ON FLOOR, SPINS AROUND LIKE TOP WHILE SHOUTING "NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!"
HEAD OF PENNDOT EXECUTED BEFORE A TAUNTING CROWD
HARRISBURG – With an efficiency rarely seen in state government, the head of PennDOT was tried and executed within three hours today before a jeering crowd of witnesses at the so-called "Snow Tribunal" called in Harrisburg to adjudicate wrongdoing associated with the state's severe winter weather last week. Allen Biehler was charged with crimes against both humanity and Pennsylvanians after PennDOT’s poor response to the snow and ice storm that began February 14. A cavalcade of storm victims took the witness stand to describe collisions, ruined suspensions, and cold and lonely hours trapped on interstate highways by the storm. Many dissolved into tears as they described the ordeal. Biehler periodically interrupted the proceedings by defiantly shouting, “It was a perfect storm! It’s better to leave a layer of snow on the road!” At one point he shouted, "Death to America," but quickly caught himself. The panel of Justices ultimately ordered him removed from court, and Biehler was forced to watch the testimony on closed-circuit television over the objections of his attorneys.
After deliberations lasting less than ten minutes, the Court handed down a 5-0 decision finding Biehler guilty on all counts and sentencing him to death. Four Justices did not participate in the decision because they were not able to dig out their cars.
State officials had hoped for a dignified hanging, but the execution witnesses began to jeer Mr. Biehler as he entered the concrete-block chamber. Most of the taunts cannot be reprinted here. Television stations did not show the entire execution, but showed Mr. Biehler refusing a hood for his head and the noose being placed around his neck.
In a statement after the execution, Governor Ed Rendell said, “Today, Allen Biehler was executed after receiving a fair trial. Biehler’s execution comes at the end of a difficult week for Pennsylvania. Bringing Biehler to justice will not end the road problems right away, but at least it takes the heat off of me.” Rendell retracted a statement he had made Saturday: "I accept full responsibility for what happened and our inadequate and unacceptable response. Of course, I was just re-elected and I'm never running again, so there's not much voters can do to get back at me."
SIKH PARENTS STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH DISRESPECTFUL SIKH TEENS WHO INSIST ON WEARING TURBAN BACKWARDS
LEADING CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST COUNSELS MIX OF PATIENCE, COMMUNICATION, VIOLENCE
IRANIAN DIPLOMAT ABDUCTED BY MEN WEARING INDIANAPOLIS COLTS UNIFORMS
BUSH SAYS INSURGENTS ACCESS TO OFFICIALLY LICENSED NFL MERCHANDISE “COULD MAKE EVILDOERS TOUGHER TO DETECT”
BAGHDAD - An Iranian diplomat was abducted Sunday on a crowded downtown street in a brazen daylight kidnapping by a group identified as “The Soldiers of Manning.”
Authorities say the diplomat, whose identity has not been revealed by the Iranian State Department, was enticed into the vehicle with the promise of Super Bowl tickets. According to witnesses, a group of men wearing the uniforms of the Indianapolis Colts approached the victim, and, after a brief discussion, were seen pushing him into a vehicle. The vehicle sped off at a high rate of speed, and was later found abandoned on the Hussein Expressway.
CIA officials have spent the past forty-eight hours scrutinizing video-taped film of the Super Bowl, but have yet to find the diplomat in the crowd, or on the sideline. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall said the league had conducted a thorough investigation of the incident.
“We are certain that no members of the Indianapolis Colts were involved in the dastardly act perpetrated against this individual,” said Goodall. The Commissioner then delivered a recitation on the league’s policy against kidnapping, which, for first-time offenders, carries a mandatory one-game suspension.
A CIA spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the tactics employed by the kidnappers reflect a greater level of sophistication. Speaking with reporters at the White House today, President Bush said that “kidnappings by groups like The Soldiers of Manning show just how high the stakes are for us in Iraq .” The President expressed confidence the Iraqi police would locate the unnamed diplomat in due time. “They’ve never let us down before,” he said.
BAGHDAD - An Iranian diplomat was abducted Sunday on a crowded downtown street in a brazen daylight kidnapping by a group identified as “The Soldiers of Manning.”
Authorities say the diplomat, whose identity has not been revealed by the Iranian State Department, was enticed into the vehicle with the promise of Super Bowl tickets. According to witnesses, a group of men wearing the uniforms of the Indianapolis Colts approached the victim, and, after a brief discussion, were seen pushing him into a vehicle. The vehicle sped off at a high rate of speed, and was later found abandoned on the Hussein Expressway.
CIA officials have spent the past forty-eight hours scrutinizing video-taped film of the Super Bowl, but have yet to find the diplomat in the crowd, or on the sideline. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall said the league had conducted a thorough investigation of the incident.
“We are certain that no members of the Indianapolis Colts were involved in the dastardly act perpetrated against this individual,” said Goodall. The Commissioner then delivered a recitation on the league’s policy against kidnapping, which, for first-time offenders, carries a mandatory one-game suspension.
A CIA spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the tactics employed by the kidnappers reflect a greater level of sophistication. Speaking with reporters at the White House today, President Bush said that “kidnappings by groups like The Soldiers of Manning show just how high the stakes are for us in Iraq .” The President expressed confidence the Iraqi police would locate the unnamed diplomat in due time. “They’ve never let us down before,” he said.
GIVE A LISTEN . . .
Check out the DVE Morning Show's sizzling Web site which links to recent Carbolic broadcasts. Give a listen here and here.
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL BLAMES "FAULTY INTELLIGENCE" FOR PREDICTION OF EARLY SPRING
Still believes we should "stay the course," Democrats to hold hearings next week
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)