GEPPETTO HEARTBROKEN OVER MAYOR PINOCCHIO'S UNTRUTHS REGARDING HIS TRIP TO NYC WITH RON "JIMINY CRICKET" BURKLE
"I THOUGHT ALL THE PREVARICATING STOPPED WHEN THE BLUE FAIRY TURNED HIM INTO A REAL BOY," SAID MAYOR'S FATHER, "BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG."
LOCAL MAN INCENSED THAT THE VERNAL EQUINOX ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE
PITTSBURGH - Carlo Sambonia is livid that temperatures on the first day of spring only got into the low 40s. The popular outdoorsman, adventurer and local bon vivant is spearheading a petition drive to express his "extreme and palpable" displeasure. His goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures. "I think it's important for someone to take a stand on this," he said. Sambonia is concerned that the younger generation is not properly educated about what spring used to be. "I tell every young person I come across, 'You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days!'" Sambonia explained. "Back then, springtime would come roaring in as if somebody turned on a light switch and hit us like a wall of bliss."
Sambonia said it is his wish that high temperatures in early spring be in the low '60's.
SOAP OPERAS RACE TO ADD ‘GREEN’ ELEMENTS TO STORIES OF LUST AND BETRAYAL
LOS ANGELES – When star-crossed lovers Sami and Lucas marry again this fall on ‘Days of Our Lives,’ their romantic wedding will be green. Producers of the popular NBC soap opera have decided to add environmental issues to their story lines, so pesticide-free flowers and organic foods will be featured at the extravaganza. The bride and groom will also purchase carbon credits to offset the amount of carbon dioxide their guests create in order to travel to the wedding. "We need to address the current environmental crisis,” executive producer Keith Corder said. “We want to raise the viewers’ consciousness of environmental problems and solutions while still dishing out the dirt."
Producers at other daytime dramas have taken notice. At ‘Guiding Light,’ “Beth lied to Alan about being pregnant, and she slept with Rick to cover her tracks,” said one writer who asked not to be identified. “But she doesn’t get pregnant. Instead of having her wear a fake rubber belly made from petrochemicals, we’ll have her use an organic cotton wrap filled with feathers from free-range geese. She can just stuff more feathers in there as her ‘pregnancy’ progresses. That’s the kind of pro-environment information we want to convey to our viewers.” ‘Guiding Light’ producers are also considering adding a vegan character, who will be blackmailed when she is photographed chowing down on pork chops.
Not to be outdone, ABC executives are encouraging their shows to use natural, not chemical, poisons to put characters into comas; to use conflict-free diamonds in all marriage proposals; and to wear evening gowns made of hemp at all balls and parties.
Back at ‘Days of Our Lives,’ Ken Corder promises a beautiful wedding. “But given Sami and Lucas’ history, there may be a few twists,” he said. “I don’t want to give anything away, but somebody might be run over with a hybrid car and spoil their perfect day.”
DOLPHIN AWARDED NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS FOR RECONCILING ALL FORCES OF NATURE WITH HIS "THEORY OF EVERYTHING"
SAN DIEGO - Dr. Daniel Mendelbaum, the beloved dolphin who portrayed Flipper on the hit TV series of the same name during the 1960's, has been awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for formulating a workable Unified Field Theory that reconciles all of the fundamental forces of nature. Physicists have long regarded the Unified Field Theory, sometimes called "The Theory of Everything," as the holy grail of physics. Mendelbaum's route to the pinnacle of the scientific world has been anything but typical. After starring in the Flipper television series, he enlisted to serve in the Vietnam War but was quickly captured in a North Vietnamese tuna net. Mendelbaum saw several dolphin recruits die in the net, but he was spared and spent the next two years as a prisoner of war. "I still have nightmares about some of the unspeakable things I witnessed in the net," Mendelbaum said.
After the war, Mendelbaum worked for a time as an examiner in a Swiss patent office, where he formulated an early version of the "Theory of Everything." Unhappy with the benefits, he enrolled in the University of the Pacific and received his doctorate in record time. He married, and in short order divorced, Christie Brinkley, Elle Macpherson and Kathy Ireland. He and Ireland have two children, Zeb, 22 and Faith, 16.
Mendelbaum's life has not been without controversy. In the early 1980's, several prominent dolphins in the motion picture industry took out a full page ad in the New York Times accusing him of not doing enough for dolphin rights because, the ad asserted, "Mendelbaum wants to pretend he is human." The ad was triggered by Mendelbaum's decision to be circumcised to appease first wife Christie Brinkley, a practice hardly ever performed on dolphins. Herschel Bernardi, the voice of Charlie the Tuna, went so far as to label Mendelbaum a "self-loathing dolphin." Mendelbaum rejected the criticism, and claimed the medical procedure was "a totally free choice -- I liked the look of it."
In addition to his work in physics, Mendelbaum holds thirty-one patents, including the one for grape juice. "The royalties from that one pay the alimony, and then some," Mendelbaum quips.
MARIO LEMIEUX BUYS TURNPIKE
HAILED AS SAVIOR, LE MAGNIFIQUE IMMEDIATELY THREATENS TO MOVE ALL 359 MILES OF NATION'S FIRST SUPERHIGHWAY TO KANSAS CITY UNLESS STATE BUILDS HIM NEW ROAD
POST OFFICE UNVEILS 'FOREVER STAMP'
NAME DOES NOT REFER TO FACT IT CAN BE USED "FOREVER" WITHOUT PAYING MORE, BUT RATHER TO LENGTH OF TIME YOUR LETTER MIGHT BE LOST
EX-PORT AUTHORITY CEO SKOUTELAS: "TO HELP SAVE MASS TRANSIT IN THE COUNTY, I'LL TAKE MY MASSIVE PENSION IN BUS TRANSFERS -- ACTUALLY, I'M KIDD!ING"
"AN OBSCENELY LARGE PENSION IS MY REWARD FOR FEEDING AT THE PUBLIC TROUGH ALL THOSE YEARS," GUFFAWS SKOUTELAS. "AND JUST WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, ANYWAY?"
BUSH CALLS FOR PATIENCE IN IRAQ
WASHINGTON — President Bush marked the fourth anniversary of the start of the Iraq war today by asking the American people to show patience. "You see, I didn't know there was a problem [in Iraq]," the President explained in a brief White House speech. "Since we did that big 'Mission Accomplished' thing, everybody's been telling me things were just fine. You know, democracy, voting, purple fingers and all that. But now I'm told there's some sort of problem over there, and believe me, I'm going to look into it."
White House press secretary Tony Snow clarified the president's position to the stunned press corps. "The president isn't saying that he was not aware of problems in Iraq. What he's saying is that there may be some problems that perhaps escaped his omniscient and benevolent review of the action there . . . ." Snow trailed off, then mumbled, "I sound like the spokesman for Kim Jong Il." A staffer quickly reminded Snow that his mike was still on. Snow also denied that the president was only informed last week of deteriorating conditions in Iraq by a visiting 6th grader from Marshall Township, PA. "Absolutely not," said Snow, adding that the boy would verify this, after he is released by the CIA following his de-briefing.
White House press secretary Tony Snow clarified the president's position to the stunned press corps. "The president isn't saying that he was not aware of problems in Iraq. What he's saying is that there may be some problems that perhaps escaped his omniscient and benevolent review of the action there . . . ." Snow trailed off, then mumbled, "I sound like the spokesman for Kim Jong Il." A staffer quickly reminded Snow that his mike was still on. Snow also denied that the president was only informed last week of deteriorating conditions in Iraq by a visiting 6th grader from Marshall Township, PA. "Absolutely not," said Snow, adding that the boy would verify this, after he is released by the CIA following his de-briefing.
SANTORUM JOINS ECKERT SEAMANS LAW FIRM
ISLAMIC FASCISTS SHOPPING FOR LEGAL REPRESENTATION RULE OUT ECKERT DUE TO "CONFLICT OF INTEREST"
HOLLYWOOD EXHAUSTS COMIC BOOK HEROES FOR SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS, RESORTS TO FILM ABOUT BAZOOKA JOE
TEEN TEST GROUP SCREENS ROUGH CUT AND SAYS, "WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?"
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STUDY REVEALS MEXICAN WOMEN ADAPT TO ENGLISH FASTER THAN OTHERS
VIRTUALLY ALL CAN SAY "HOUSEKEEPING! OPEN UP!" WITHIN MINUTES OF ARRIVING IN U.S.
JOLIE TO ADOPT RAVENSTAHL
PITTSBURGH - Looking for yet another child from an exotic part of the world to join her family, actress Angelina Jolie has announced plans to adopt youthful Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl. Ravenstahl said has had no discussions with Jolie and does not intend to leave his post. However, before ruling out the possibility of having Jolie as his stepmother, Ravenstahl noted that he would like to know if "there will be any breast feeding involved."
PITT BASKETBALL FOUNDATION DONATES 19 POINT LEAD TO VCU
COACH VOWS TEAM WILL "CONTINUE TRADITION OF GIVING IN NEXT ROUND"
CLIFFORD IRVING DENOUNCES UPCOMING MOVIE “THE HOAX” AS A HOAX
NEW PALTZ, NY --- Clifford Irving, author of the fictitious The Autobiography of Howard Hughes, protested today that an upcoming movie about the hoax is a hoax. Irving set off a publishing frenzy 35 years ago when he announced his book, since Hughes had become a recluse many years before. Irving stole documents from Hughes’ personal aides and fabricated others to back up the book, but the plot fell apart when Hughes publicly denied ever meeting the author. Irving and several co-conspirators were later sent to prison.Time Magazine’s Con Artist of the Year for 1972 still defends the book, saying, “We created a lot of heroic acts for [Hughes] and made him into a semi-god. I still don’t see why he was upset with it.” As for the movie, Irving cited numerous inaccuracies in the script, saying, “They have no right to take artistic license with my life story.”
The movie's producers could not stop laughing long enough to respond to Mr. Irving’s complaints.
Irving also made a surprising claim at his news conference: that he is the father of James Frey, the author of the fictitious memoir A Million Little Pieces. “He’s a chip off the old block, that one,” Irving said, his eyes growing misty. “I hope we can work together on a story about our father-son relationship and the times we spent fishing and playing ball. I’m sure publishers would beat a path to our door to give us a book deal.” Later, Mr. Frey denied ever meeting Irving, and said no publisher is beating a path to his door.
Irving concedes he likes one thing about "The Hoax" --- the producers cast Richard Gere to play him in the movie. “They got that part 100 percent right,” he said.
LOWER BURRELL "ACCIDENTALLY" INVADES UPPER BURRELL
Not-so-quietly, as the sun began to nestle down for the night, easing itself from the sharp peaks into the gentle slopes of the Appalachian Mountains, a group of rowdy insurgents from Lower Burrell crossed the Allegheny River and accidentally invaded its neighboring municipality of Upper Burrell.The unit was commissioned by townspeople in Lower Burrell who had not yet finished celebrating St. Patrick’s day to “take a trip to Arnold,” after making the stark realization that all the beer had been depleted from every place in town. In the process, though, the “reconnaissance convoy,” as Milton Haggard, owner of The Ye Olde Inn Tavern Lounge and Cocktail Bar put it, took a wrong turn and landed in neighboring Upper Burrell.
However, some residents don’t think it was an accident.
“Those people in Lower Burrell have a sense of entitlement, and think they can just take whatever they want” said a resident who spoke to this publication on the condition of anonymity. “There is no doubt in my mind that this was a premeditated act meant to pillage our Pilsner,” he said.
According to the Norwin Star, which first broke the story, the small but well-equipped group of men and at least two women from Lower Burrell, located 18 miles outside of Pittsburgh and considered part of the Pittsburgh Metro Area, stormed its neighboring municipality some time around 7:30 p.m. Sunday, reportedly with two Chevy 4X4s, a Suburban with an extended cab and one Dodge Dakota -- so there’d be plenty of room to transport the beer.
According to one account by a member of the insurgents, "I'll be honest, we were drinking. OK? So instead of making it to Arnold, somehow we ended up in Upper Burrell, and we just went through with our plan, knocking on tavern doors in search of kegs ’n six packs ‘n at.”
Vernelle York, whose son Alvin refused to join the entourage that convened to stop the insurgents, citing Biblical passages about Caesar, summed up the unspoken feelings of many Upper Burrellians: “Funny, how the people on the bottom are always lookin’ down at the people on the top.”
Technically, Lower Burrell rests on the Appalachian Plateau, on the western portion of the Appalachian Mountain Range.
The Mayor of Upper Burrell bristled at the idea that any animosity existed and refused to speak to us, but a source close to the mayor said that hostility among the two towns has been smoldering ever since the land that was designated and named after one Judge Jeremiah Murry Burrell was divided into two separate townships in 1879.
A spokesperson for the Westmoreland County Historical Society, Barbara Gump, explained that Lower Burrell grew to become distinguished as a “third class city,” in the state of Pennsylvania, while Upper Burrell languished as “little more than a cow path.”
The dispute, said Gump, heated up again during a construction boom in the 1990s when Lower Burrell, believing it was better, wanted to trade names with Upper Burrell, but Upper Burrell officials refused, claiming that the cost of printing new letterhead would exceed the township’s budget.
A resident of Upper Burrell, who did not want to give his name, said he doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about. “If you watch the local news, clearly, you’ll see that Lower Burrell gets all the media coverage. Somebody is greasing the palms of the Westmoreland County Bureau reporters, and we just look the other way, let them have their 15 minutes every day, so to speak.”
Otis Smith, affectionately known as the “town drunk” in Lower Burrell, said he believes that no matter what the facts are, the civic discord needs to stop. “Both municipalities should be embarrassed,” he remarked, with a hiccup.
ANGELINA JOLIE TO ADOPT CHILD IN WEST VIRGINIA
MOUTH OF SENECA, W.Va. - Actress Angelina Jolie will visit Mouth of Seneca, W.V., to adopt an orphan child tomorrow, sources close to Jolie revealed. She will make the visit alone because West Virginia law prohibits adoptions by unmarried couples who are not first cousins.Jolie regularly visits underdeveloped areas as a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. Of her frequent visits to the Mountaineer state, she said, "I can't really talk about the situation without becoming emotional."
A source who asked not to be named revealed that after Jolie's last visit to the state, she went through a period of despair and became suicidal. But, the source noted, friends were able to convince her that "the NIT is better than no post-season tournament at all."
STUDY: ALLEGED DROP IN BUSINESS PRODUCTIVITY DURING MARCH MADNESS "A MYTH"
"THE PURPORTED DECLINE IS AN URBAN LEGEND," STUDY CONCLUDES. "THE FACT IS, WORKERS GOOF OFF YEAR ROUND."
CAROL BURNETT FILES $2 MILLION COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT SUIT AGAINST NANCY PELOSI
COMEDIAN CLAIMS HOUSE SPEAKER TAKES ON BURNETT'S BELOVED "CHARWOMAN" CHARACTER IN ALL HER PUBLIC APPEARANCES
CITY COMMISSIONS ASTRONOMER CARL SAGAN TO ANALYZE "MAJESTIC STAR" FINANCES, ALLEGATIONS THAT PITG GAMING IS BANKRUPTCY RISK
"If Don Barden is ever going to build his casino on the North Shore of Pittsburgh, he will need to prove, without a doubt, he has billions and billions of dollars."
DEMOCRATS ANNOUNCE SUPPORT FOR CHEECH MARIN TO REPLACE GONZALES AS ATTORNEY GENERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - As the drumbeat continues to crescendo for the resignation of U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Democratic leaders in the Senate have come forward with their choice to replace Gonzales.Former actor Cheech Marin said he is ready and willing to take over the post, if called by his country to do so.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NE) cited Marin's Hispanic heritage as an important reason for his support.
"How many famous Hispanic people can most Americans really name?" Reid reasoned. "We think Cheech will look similar enough in the office; I am certain that no one in the White House will notice the difference."
Marin, who starred in numerous "Cheech and Chong" movies that contained innumerable drug references, said he does not think his filmography would be a problem. Reid agreed. "Most Americans who saw those movies love him," he said. "Plus, the man was in Tin Cup, with Kevin Costner. Now that's leadership."
MEMORY EPIDEMIC SWEEPS CAPITAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Surgeon General Dr. Satcher, pictured here during a recent visit to Walter Reed Medical Center, will launch an emergency investigation of the memory loss epidemic that has swept the Justice Department and Executive Branch. "I've never seen anything like this," said Dr. Satcher. "In a very short time, everyone at the Justice Department has lost the ability to remember any details whatsoever about this federal attorney business. Even more troubling, the symptoms quickly spread to the White House. Dramatic, rapid memory loss of this type is a sure sign of neurological distress."
The Surgeon General's office has requested assistance from the CDC to determine if quarantine will be necessary to curb the epidemic. The agencies plan to jointly establish mobile testing facilities including CAT scan equipment at the Justice department on Monday to begin searching for the cause of the epidemic.
White House spokesman Tony Snow said he thought testing of staff was a good idea, "as long as polygraphs are not involved."
White House spokesman Tony Snow said he thought testing of staff was a good idea, "as long as polygraphs are not involved."
LEPRECHAUNS TO JOIN ALLIED COALITION
BLARNEY - An elite force of Leprechauns will join allied coalition troops in Iraq. They will replace Moldovan troops, both of whom are leaving this week. Even though the Leprechauns will constitute fewer than fifty troops, it is widely hoped that they will bring luck to a fighting force that has been anything but lucky. Pictured here is Leprechaun commander Seamus O'Finnigan after ordering troops to enjoy one last bender before deploying to the Middle East.
The Leprechauns are expected to deploy on March 17th and will immediately establish their Headquarters in Baghdad's Green Zone.
GOTHAM POLICE CHIEF CHAUNCY O’HARA NAMED GRAND MARSHAL, WILL LEAD ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE
PITTSBURGH - Gotham City Police Chief Chauncy O’Hara met with Mayor Luke Ravenstahl at City Hall today in preparation for Pittsburgh’s annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. O’Hara, who retired from the Gotham City Police force in 1978 after capturing “Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz, informed the Mayor that he was glad to be in a town “that didn’t have to worry about arch-criminals.” O’Hara said he was surprised by the appearance of our city. “I always heard it was smoky, and black and dirty. But it’s actually quite pretty.” When told he was now, officially, the one millionth person to express those sentiments, he appeared surprised. “Saints preserve us!” he exclaimed.
GINGRICH TAKES CURE
LYNCHBURG, Va. - In an interview with Focus On The Family leader James Dobson, Newt Gingrich revealed that he has recently undergone three weeks of intensive conservative Christian counseling and can state unequivocally that he is "no longer a total a**hole." In the same interview, Gingrich admitted having an extramarital affair at the same time he pursued President Clinton's impeachment in the Monica Lewinsky scandal.Gingrich was rewarded for this second admission by conservative Christian leader, the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who extended an invitation for Gingrich to deliver the commencement address at Falwell's Liberty University.
Political observers believe Gingrich may be making these admissions now to avoid having them surfacing later in his possible Presidential campaign. Experts feel the string of extramarital affairs could hurt Gingrich, but the other issue is not as sensitive. "When was the last time Americans elected someone who wasn't an a**hole?" said Professor Hubert Sminklin from the Harding School of Government. At the commencement, Gingrich will receive an honorary Doctorate of Hypocrisy, from the prestigious Falwell School of Hypocrisy at Liberty University.
Political observers believe Gingrich may be making these admissions now to avoid having them surfacing later in his possible Presidential campaign. Experts feel the string of extramarital affairs could hurt Gingrich, but the other issue is not as sensitive. "When was the last time Americans elected someone who wasn't an a**hole?" said Professor Hubert Sminklin from the Harding School of Government. At the commencement, Gingrich will receive an honorary Doctorate of Hypocrisy, from the prestigious Falwell School of Hypocrisy at Liberty University.
MAYOR MAKES IT ILLEGAL TO GREET ANYONE BY GIVING THEM A FAKE IRISH NAME
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl issued an executive order making it illegal to greet anyone “by placing an 'O' in front of their last name in an attempt to create a faux Celtic connection between the person being greeted and the Irish race.” Police throughout the city will be enforcing the Mayor’s order. Ravenstahl explained that violators will be fined seventy-five dollars and receive a punch in the mouth, "in honor of the day."
AUSTRALIAN AUTHORITIES ARREST STALLONE
SYDNEY, Australia - Sylvester Stallone was taken into custody for several hours as he arrived in Sydney Australia. He faces stiff fines for trying to bring copies of the last installment of the Rocky series into the country. "We're just protecting our country," said one customs officer, waving a boxed set of the Rocky films. "Terror comes in many forms."
Customs agents also found vials of the muscle-building hormone HGH, which is a restricted substance in Australia. The tabloid media had speculated that Stallone, shown here with his entourage at the Sydney Airport, was using Human Growth Hormone based on his bizarre, bloated appearance in the last installment of the Rocky series.
Lawyers for the 60-year-old star of the Rocky and Rambo movie franchises, represented Stallone in a Sydney court on Tuesday where he faces multiple counts of "assault with horrific film making" and "involuntary destruction of brain cells."
THANKS TO THE ASTUTE ONLINE SPORTS WRITERS AT THE POST-GAZETTE
We pause for a quasi-serious moment to thank the writers at the Post-Gazette, and to tip our hats to their online sports gurus, editor Dan Gigler and hockey savant Seth Rorabaugh. In the March 15 Empty Netters, they write: "While we were pretty proud of our coverage of the arena deal here at the PG, we'd be remiss not to give credit to our chief competitor, The Carbolic Smoke Ball. They have some great stories here, here, here and here." We may not act like it, but we very much appreciate it!
BOWIE KUHN IS DEAD
CHARLES O. FINLEY LOBBIES OTHER DECEASED MLB OWNERS TO BAN HIM FROM HEAVEN; THE LATE JUDGE KENESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS TO DECIDE
HIS WORK ON EARTH DONE, MARIO ASCENDS INTO HEAVEN
PITTSBURGH - Mario Lemieux, Savior of hockey in Pittsburgh , departed for heaven late yesterday, hours after He put the final touches on a deal for a brand new arena that will keep the Penguins in Pittsburgh for at least thirty years.
Details of His Ascension were provided by the Apostle known as John, the Beloved. John, whose last name is Steigerwald, has been a leading evangelist for hockey in Pittsburgh for nearly a quarter of a century. He has spent most of that time preaching far and wide, to believers and non-believers alike, about the good works of Mario.
“Did you hear the Good News?” he asked earlier this morning. “Thanks to the no-good politicians and do-nothing civic leaders, hockey was dead, but now it is risen! Thanks be to Mario!”
The story of Mario’s Ascension will be recounted in the Gospel according to John, which will be published in next month’s edition of Hockey Digest. As every hockey fan knows, Hockey Digest is the Hockey Bible. Here is an excerpt:
"They therefore who had come together to celebrate the new arena deal began to ask him, 'Lord, wilt thou at this time bring us the Stanley Cup?' But He said to them, 'It is not for you to know the time or dates which the Father has fixed by his own authority. Anything can happen in the playoffs.' And when He had said this, He was lifted up before their eyes, and a cloud took him out of their sight. And while they were gazing up to heaven, behold, two men in white garments stood by them and said to them, 'Men of Pittsburgh, why do you stand looking up to Heaven? This Mario who has been taken up from you shall come back in the same way as you have seen him going into Heaven.'"
Speculation is rampant among hockey scholars who have studied this text that John believes Mario is planning on coming out of retirement. He has promised to deal with this subject in his forthcoming Book of Revelations.
FARRAKHAN BUILDS RETIREMENT HOME IN BRANSON, MISSOURI
NATION OF ISLAM LEADER SAYS PROXIMITY TO OSMOND, WELK FAMILY WAS “KEY FACTOR” IN SELECTING LOCATION
BUSH HOLDS LATIN AMERICAN SUMMIT MEETING WITH CHARO
PRESIDENT PROMISES OPEN DOOR POLICY FOR ALL FLAMENCO GUITARISTS WITH LARGE BREASTS, OFFERS PARDON FOR APPEARANCES ON LOVE BOAT, HOLLYWOOD SQUARES
MEDICAL EXAMINER DR. PERPER TAKING TOO LONG WITH ANNA NICOLE SMITH CASE, REPLACED BY DR. PEPPER
BROWARD COUNTY ALSO TURNED OFF BY FORMER MEDICAL EXAMINER'S AD CAMPAIGN: "I'M A PERPER, HE'S A PERPER, SHE'S A PERPER, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE A PERPER, TOO?"
STUDY: OBESITY IN EITHER SEX MAY DECREASE ABILITY TO CONCEIVE
ABSENCE OF WOMB ANOTHER OBSTACLE FOR MEN
RENDELL CAPITULATES, WILL GIVE PENGUINS NEW ARENA
GOVERNOR CITES RESPONSE TO “HONK IF YOU LOVE THE PENGUINS RALLY” AT CORNER OF GRANT AND FORBES AS KEY FACTOR IN DECISION
PITTSBURGH - Governor Ed Rendell announced yesterday evening that he funding has been secured for a new hockey arena in Pittsburgh. The announcement comes only hours after the conclusion of a rally at the corner of Grant Street and Forbes Avenue held by two shaggy-haired individuals holding hand-made signs asking motorists to “honk if you love the Penguins.”
Apparently, the din raised by horn-blowing hockey fans created such consternation in the offices of County Executive Dan Onorato and Mayor Luke Ravenstahl that a conference call was arranged with the Governor to debrief him on the situation.
“When I heard about the non-stop horn blowing right outside the windows of downtown workers, I knew I could wait no longer,” said the Governor. “I tip my hat to the Penguins, and their fans. This was a ruthless tactic I didn’t anticipate, and they used it to their advantage. I can only add: touché.”
According to several witnesses, numerous motorists responded to the request by repeatedly honking their horn in three to five second intervals. David Corbett, of Millvale, said he heard one man blast his horn for at least thirty seconds without interruption. However, Mr. Corbett allowed for the possibility that, in addition to proclaiming his love for the Penguins, the man at the wheel may have had an ulterior motive. “There was an elderly woman using a walker attempting to cross the street,” said Corbett. “I think he was kind of upset that she was holding him up.” Mr. Corbett added that the honking motorist repeatedly stuck his middle finger out of the car window in an effort to express dissatisfaction. “He might have been upset at the pace of the old lady, but then again, he might have been upset at the pace of negotiations between the Penguins and local politicians.”
No one who participated in the decisive rally said they could recall a sign asking motorists to “give somebody the finger if you love the Penguins.”
MAYAN PRIESTS PURIFY SITE AFTER BUSH VISIT WITH CHANTS, INCENSE
AFTER CHENEY'S VISIT, PRIESTS SAY ONLY HUMAN SACRIFICES WILL WORK
GUATEMALA CITY - Mayan priests purifed a sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after President Bush visited yesterday so that their ancestors may rest in peace, an official with close ties to the priests said.
"That a person like [Bush] walked on our sacred lands is an offense against the Mayan people," said Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan organization. Tiney said the "cleansing rites entailed chanting and burning incense, herbs and candles."
Tiney added that next month's visit by Vice President Cheney poses even greater challenges. "No amount of chanting or incense can purify the land after that one," he said. "The only hope is to gather up dozens of our most beautiful virgins and offer them as human sacrifices." Even then, Tiney said, "there's no guarantee that will work."
GUATEMALA CITY - Mayan priests purifed a sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after President Bush visited yesterday so that their ancestors may rest in peace, an official with close ties to the priests said."That a person like [Bush] walked on our sacred lands is an offense against the Mayan people," said Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan organization. Tiney said the "cleansing rites entailed chanting and burning incense, herbs and candles."
Tiney added that next month's visit by Vice President Cheney poses even greater challenges. "No amount of chanting or incense can purify the land after that one," he said. "The only hope is to gather up dozens of our most beautiful virgins and offer them as human sacrifices." Even then, Tiney said, "there's no guarantee that will work."
ZURICH MINT MARKS THIRTY YEARS OF SELLING CRAP TO AMERICA
Next offering: Commemorative “Sucker Born Every Minute” plate with 14-kt. gold accents
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND --- The Zurich Mint is celebrating three decades in the business of selling crap by selling even more crap, some of it directed at Steelers’ fans.
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND --- The Zurich Mint is celebrating three decades in the business of selling crap by selling even more crap, some of it directed at Steelers’ fans.
The company was founded in 1977 in Cleveland, Ohio as The Cleveland Mint. The company was renamed and the headquarters were transferred to Zurich in 1998. Robert Brenneman is CEO of the company. “Zurich has more of a cachet than Cleveland – way more,” Mr. Brenneman said. A distribution center remains in Cleveland, but company officials downplay that fact on the company website. “Cleveland is close to our customer base, but we don’t go out of our way to mention that,” the CEO said.
As for its products, “We like to say we offer meaningful keepsakes of beauty and importance, but we’re really in the business of pushing tchotckes and doodads. We have several important categories we rely on, but we’re always looking for cross-marketing opportunities. For example, we do well with birthstone items, and we do well with rosaries, so someone came up with the idea of birthstone rosaries. That’s the kind of synergy we encourage in the company.”
But by far the most lucrative market is Steelers merchandise. “We can put a Steelers logo on almost anything and it will sell,” Brenneman says. “We take a ten dollar watch, put a Steelers face on it, and mark it up to $99 plus shipping and handling. They fly out the door. A few weeks ago, we offered a Steelers end table for $139 --- and the buyers had to assemble it themselves! IKEA also makes you assemble furniture, but they don’t get nearly the price we do.”
Scale models of stadiums are popular, too. “Let me tell you, we were thrilled when Pennsylvania taxpayers took on tens of millions in debt to build Heinz Field. Now we can offer Three Rivers Stadium as a nostalgia item and Heinz Field as a contemporary item. We doubled sales almost without any effort on our part.”
Although the Mint is always on the lookout for new “synergies” for Steelers’ items, there’s one category Brenneman refuses to promote: women’s thongs with the Steeler logo. “That is just tacky,” he said.
AXIS OF EVIL ANNOUNCES OPEN ENROLLMENT PERIOD, MEGALOMANIACS, DICTATORS WITH FIERCE ANTI-AMERICAN CREDENTIALS URGED TO APPLY
TEHRAN - President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a card-carrying member of the Axis of Evil, said the Axis will hold a thirty-day open enrollment period beginning March 15th. Mr. Ahmadinejad made the announcement in a speech given yesterday morning at the Revolutionary Guards annual Pancake Breakfast.
“With the recent execution of one of our charter members, the former President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, we now have an opening,” he said.
The Axis of Evil is an entity determined to destroy the United States. Members of the Axis meet three times a year to damn the United States and discuss ways to hasten her obliteration from the face of the Earth.
Axis of Evil members enjoy priority seating at all Anti-American rallies around the globe, as well as an automatic fifteen per cent discount at all Denny’s Restaurants.
Mr. Ahmadinejad said he hoped the trend by young people to turn away from traditional fraternal organizations like the Kiwanis, or Lions Club, wouldn’t keep interested sociopaths from getting involved in an organization like The Axis of Evil.
“That’s why we’re holding a mixer for all prospective members at the Baghdad Elks,” he said. “Jong-Il is going to be there. Castro said he’d be there, if his doctor will let him travel.”
President Ahmadinejad said the mixer would be “the largest gathering of people who hate America since the last Democratic convention.” Then he muttered, to no one in particular, “I hope I remember the secret handshake.”
HALLIBURTON CHANGES LOYALTIES IN MOVE TO MIDDLE EAST
DUBAI - Oil services giant Halliburton announced the move of their corporate headquarters from Houston to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. The move will put the company closer to their primary market in the Middle East. In a further effort to appeal to Middle Eastern oil producers, Halliburton plans to change its corporate slogan from "Whatever It Takes" to "Death to America."
"ELDER STATESMEN" AND MAYORAL CANDIDATE BILL PEDUTO SPOTTED AT ST. BARNABAS RETIREMENT VILLAGE
PITTSBURGH - Sources close to Pittsburgh Councilor William Peduto, who is running against "kid mayor" Luke Ravenstahl, say rumors that he was seen at the rental offices of the St. Barnabas retirement village campus in Richland Township this weekend were true.One of his top campaign aides, who spoke under condition of anonymity, said that Peduto is having trouble maintaining his current residence, what with his busy schedule and all, and simply doesn't have time to prepare meals. "Bill likes the idea of community dining and interestingly enough, group 'aquarobics,' something a lot of constituents don't know about him," said the aide.
"He's also sees the the Kean Theatre as a major amenity, where they feature classic movies and live -- if barely -- entertainment from the likes of Bobby Vinton and Guy and Ralna, who you may remember from the cast of The Lawrence Welk Show," added the aide.
At press time, Peduto himself was unavailable for comment, but his aid promised he would get back to us as soon as he woke from his nap.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE BLACK, 78, BREAKS WRIST WHEN BILL "BOJANGLES" ROBINSON, 128, PUSHES HER
HOLLYWOOD - Former child actress Shirley Temple Black, 78, broke her wrist when legendary tap dancer Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, 128, pushed her to the ground. Robinson admitted to authorities that he battered Ms. Temple Black to exact revenge because, Robinson claimed, "she stole every scene" in which they appeared together in the 1935 classic motion picture "The Little Colonel."
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