Last year's worst dressed according to Mr. Blackwell: Abu Ghraib Prisoner
WILLIAMS' HEAD HAD HELP
BOSTON - Details are being to emerge concerning the escape of Ted Williams' head from Cranial Pops, Inc, the cryogenic storage facility where Williams' frozen head was being maintained. Williams' head conspired with other heads at the facility to construct an elaborate escape tunnel. When the tunnel was discovered, Williams' head was able to take advantage of the confusion, somehow avoid detection by the guard towers, and cut through the barbed wire surrounding the facility. Dr. Manfred Freeze, president of Cranial-Pops, speculated that Williams' head used wire cutters it had concealed under its Red Sox hat. Williams' head then made it safely to a wooded area just outside the compound where a waiting accomplice helped the head escape.
"We had been hoping to attract hall of fame heads from both the American and National leagues," said Dr. Freeze. "We had just enlarged the storage area in case Barry Bonds' head became available. And now this happens . . . . We're just sick about it."
"We had been hoping to attract hall of fame heads from both the American and National leagues," said Dr. Freeze. "We had just enlarged the storage area in case Barry Bonds' head became available. And now this happens . . . . We're just sick about it."
NHL TO 'JACK UP' THE MAYHEM FOR THE PLAYOFFS
League, concerned that fans are increasingly blasé about fights, retains George "The Animal" Steele as consultant to inject more blood, contusions into fisticuffs
RAVENSTAHL ANNOUNCES HILL DISTRICT TO BE DEMOLISHED
"WE'VE ALREADY GOT THE ARENA DEMOLITION CREW WORKING NEARBY," SAID THE MAYOR. "IF THE [CREW] KEEPS GOING, THAT'LL SAVE US FROM GIVING THE HILL ALL THAT MONEY IT WANTS."
WILLIAMS' HEAD ESCAPES
BOSTON - Fabled Boston Red Sox slugger Ted Williams' cryogenically preserved head has escaped from the facility where the late player's family was storing it. Reportedly, Williams' head had become belligerent and verbally abusive in recent weeks as it became increasingly unhappy the prospect of missing yet another baseball season. Williams' head talked an employee of Cranial-Pops, Inc., the storage facility, into taking it into the lobby to watch a couple of innings of the Red Sox season opener on TV. At that point, Williams' head overpowered the employee and escaped.
Williams' head appears to have cleared both US and Canadian customs and has made it's way to the cryogenically-friendly polar region where it is gaining weight on a diet of seal blubber and kelp.
The Williams family reportedly has hired the head of legendary TV detective Raymond Burr to track down and convince Williams' head to return.
Williams' head appears to have cleared both US and Canadian customs and has made it's way to the cryogenically-friendly polar region where it is gaining weight on a diet of seal blubber and kelp.
The Williams family reportedly has hired the head of legendary TV detective Raymond Burr to track down and convince Williams' head to return.
NOBEL FOUNDATION FETES LARRY BIRKHEAD WITH SPECIAL NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING NAMED FATHER OF ANNA NICOLE'S BABY
STOCKHOLM - In the wake of the news that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, the Nobel Foundation issued an announcement that it will hold "an emergency banquet" tonight at Stockholm City Hall to honor Birkhead with the newly created "Nobel Prize in Paternity."The Foundation's Director, Manfred Frederickman, issued the following statement: "The Nobel Foundation tonight will honor John C. Mather, for his accomplishments in physics; Roger Komberg, for his accomplishments in chemistry; Andrew Fire, for his accomplishments in medicine; and Larry Birkhead, for his accomplishment in inserting his penis into Anna Nicole Smith."
102-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO MADE HOLE-IN-ONE CHALLENGES TIGER WOODS TO SKINS GAME
Elsie McLean "trash talks" golfing great to embarrass him into playing: "Hey, Tiger, your momma's so dumb she makes Paris Hilton look like Stephen Hawking. . . . Sorry I made you look bad with my hole-in-one, chump."
NYC COUPLE HAILS ROLLING CHAIR FOR 2,400-MILE RIDE
ATLANTIC CITY - Betty and Bob Matas have retired and are moving to Arizona, but like many New Yorkers they don't drive, and they don't want their cats to travel all that way in an airliner cargo hold. They found their solution in Atlantic City. The Matases have asked Carlo Sambonia, who pushes one of that town's world-famous wicker rolling chairs, to push them to Sedona. Sambonia, pushing since 1978, was only too happy to take the job. Sambonia has become a multi-millionaire by never refusing a fare, regardless of where the pick-up wants to go.
"The other [rolling chair] guys refuse to take folks off the Boardwalk for fear they won't be able to get a return fare," said Sambonia.
But Sambonia once pushed a couple from Caesar's Boardwalk Casino across the Pennsylvania Turnpike to Pittsburgh, some 350 miles. "But that's not even the amazing part," he said. "When I got to Pittsburgh, I found a couple standing on the corner looking to be pushed to Atlantic City -- so I got my return fare!"
The trip to Arizona will be his most ambitious yet. And when he finally gets there, chances are Sambonia will find a fare that wants to go to Atlantic City. And one thing's for sure: he won't say "no."
SUSPECT IDENTIFIED ONLY AS 'A PIRATES BROADCASTER' ARRESTED FOR 'RAISING THE JOLLY ROGER' AT BUCS' OPENER
Unnamed bystander exclaims: "There was no-o-o-o doubt about it," as suspect was taken into custody
ATTORNEY GENERAL’S OFFICE MAY FILE CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL
OFFICIALS SAY PREDICTION OF EARLY SPRING BY CLAIRVOYANT RODENT “WILLFULLY AND MALICIOUSLY MISLED THE PUBLIC” 
LOCAL WOMAN FIRST REPORTED CASE OF DEATH BY "NEW CAR SMELL"
GRINDSTONE - The Fayette County Health Department has reported that Bertha Marie Tuckwacker, 97, has died after a extremely brief skirmish with "new car smell" poisoning.
"New car smell" toxicity was discovered in 1993 when two 16-year-old boys in Los Angeles were found passed out in a brand new sports car given to one of the teens as a birthday gift.
Fortunately, both were resuscitated, but when no traces of drugs were found inside the vehicle or on their persons, DEA agents were called in to investigate. "The fact that their blood alcohol levels exceeded .30 was inconsequential in this case," an agent disclosed.
Samples from the vehicles' interior were turned over to a crime lab, which discovered that contaminants in the dust from the interior windshield matched elevated levels of those doctors said were found in the boys' bloodstream, which entered through the act of inhalation.
It was reported that Mrs. Tuckwacker, a two-pack-a-day smoker who suffered from gout, chronic respiratory disease, heart disease, liver disease, diabetes, psoriasis, perpetual dry eye and a host of other ailments -- and had only one kidney -- was actually a passenger in the automobile.
Her grandson, Harvey Berryberry of Normalville, who escorted her in his 2007 model pick-up truck for some "Saturday grocery shopping" told authorities he had just purchased the vehicle three days prior.
Berryberry could be charged in the case, but no one is certain of what yet.
Trooper Emelio McBluff of the Uniontown State Police said the incident was tragic, and suspects foul play. "You think that it's just kids out there trying to get a cheap high these days, but it's hard for someone of any age to resist the allure of 'new car smell.' You get that first whiff and then you can't get enough. And sometimes, all it takes is that first whiff to kill you. First thing we do when we get a new patrol car is to open all the windows for a few hours. We don't want any of our boys getting hooked, either."
McBluff said that "auto-tripping" is becoming an increasing problem, as car dealerships across the country have reported a sharp rise in "test drives" without people actually buying the vehicle. "A big tip-off salespersons should be aware of is when they offer to crack a window and the 'potential buyer' insists not to because he or she is very cold," said McBluff.
"This drug, if you will, has no barriers. We've found plenty of rich white people passed out in their new BMWs," he added.
Automobile manufacturers have been aware of the dangers of "new car smell" for years, but this is the first documented case where a coroner has listed "new car smell" as cause on a death certificate.
"With climate control in automobiles these days, you really never have a reason to open your window," according to Heinrich Eyebrau, a top engineer on the safety committee of a major automobile corporation, "so we've begun affixing warning labels on every single vehicle that comes out of our factories. If you're going to get sick or die from auto emissions, we most certainly want it to be from the emissions your car is spewing on the outside, not the inside."
A spokesperson for a United States chapter of environmental group associated with the color "green" said that they, too, are well aware of the dangers of "new car smell."
"We've tabled many of our global warming issues to address this growing problem," he said. "The second we heard that people transporting potted plants from Home Depot were arriving home with dead plants, we were all over this thing. We just can't worry about China right now. Not when we've got spider plants keeling all over the place."
"This all could have been stopped if her grandson had just opened a damned window," said McBluff. "Instead, he watched her and did nothing, which gives us reason to believe he was getting high too -- probably turned her onto the stuff -- a family thing, you know? We see a lot of that in this area."
Mrs. Tuckwacker is preceded in death by her husband, Earl, who died in 1978 in a bizarre gardening accident, and is survived by 12 children, 58 grandchildren, 23 great-grandchildren and 12 great-great-grandchildren.
"New car smell" toxicity was discovered in 1993 when two 16-year-old boys in Los Angeles were found passed out in a brand new sports car given to one of the teens as a birthday gift.
Fortunately, both were resuscitated, but when no traces of drugs were found inside the vehicle or on their persons, DEA agents were called in to investigate. "The fact that their blood alcohol levels exceeded .30 was inconsequential in this case," an agent disclosed.
Samples from the vehicles' interior were turned over to a crime lab, which discovered that contaminants in the dust from the interior windshield matched elevated levels of those doctors said were found in the boys' bloodstream, which entered through the act of inhalation.
It was reported that Mrs. Tuckwacker, a two-pack-a-day smoker who suffered from gout, chronic respiratory disease, heart disease, liver disease, diabetes, psoriasis, perpetual dry eye and a host of other ailments -- and had only one kidney -- was actually a passenger in the automobile.
Her grandson, Harvey Berryberry of Normalville, who escorted her in his 2007 model pick-up truck for some "Saturday grocery shopping" told authorities he had just purchased the vehicle three days prior.
Berryberry could be charged in the case, but no one is certain of what yet.
Trooper Emelio McBluff of the Uniontown State Police said the incident was tragic, and suspects foul play. "You think that it's just kids out there trying to get a cheap high these days, but it's hard for someone of any age to resist the allure of 'new car smell.' You get that first whiff and then you can't get enough. And sometimes, all it takes is that first whiff to kill you. First thing we do when we get a new patrol car is to open all the windows for a few hours. We don't want any of our boys getting hooked, either."
McBluff said that "auto-tripping" is becoming an increasing problem, as car dealerships across the country have reported a sharp rise in "test drives" without people actually buying the vehicle. "A big tip-off salespersons should be aware of is when they offer to crack a window and the 'potential buyer' insists not to because he or she is very cold," said McBluff.
"This drug, if you will, has no barriers. We've found plenty of rich white people passed out in their new BMWs," he added.
Automobile manufacturers have been aware of the dangers of "new car smell" for years, but this is the first documented case where a coroner has listed "new car smell" as cause on a death certificate.
"With climate control in automobiles these days, you really never have a reason to open your window," according to Heinrich Eyebrau, a top engineer on the safety committee of a major automobile corporation, "so we've begun affixing warning labels on every single vehicle that comes out of our factories. If you're going to get sick or die from auto emissions, we most certainly want it to be from the emissions your car is spewing on the outside, not the inside."
A spokesperson for a United States chapter of environmental group associated with the color "green" said that they, too, are well aware of the dangers of "new car smell."
"We've tabled many of our global warming issues to address this growing problem," he said. "The second we heard that people transporting potted plants from Home Depot were arriving home with dead plants, we were all over this thing. We just can't worry about China right now. Not when we've got spider plants keeling all over the place."
"This all could have been stopped if her grandson had just opened a damned window," said McBluff. "Instead, he watched her and did nothing, which gives us reason to believe he was getting high too -- probably turned her onto the stuff -- a family thing, you know? We see a lot of that in this area."
Mrs. Tuckwacker is preceded in death by her husband, Earl, who died in 1978 in a bizarre gardening accident, and is survived by 12 children, 58 grandchildren, 23 great-grandchildren and 12 great-great-grandchildren.
IMBECILITY DEFENSE IN MOONDA TRIAL
PITTSBURGH - Murder suspect Donna Moonda will not claim insanity as her defense. Instead, her attorney will employ the novel buy rarely successful "Imbecility Defense," with Moonda claiming that she suffers from, what her attorney calls, "a severe form of dumbsh*tism" that caused her to trust her former boyfriend Damian Bradford.
Court appointed psychologists confirmed that both Moonda and Bradford, "are indeed dumbsh*ts. In fact, both individuals are not run-of-the-mill dumbsh*ts, but a form of super-dumbsh*t rarely encountered in scientific research."
Shortly following his arrest, Damian Bradford, confessed to shooting Dr. Gulam Moonda in exchange for a box of Twinkies and a case of Mountain Dew. He implicated Mrs. Moonda after police offered Bradford Ho-Ho's and Mr.Pibb during interrogation. Bradford has struck a plea bargain to testify against Mrs. Moonda in exchange for easy access to sugar and caffeine during his lengthy confinement. Carbolic Smoke Ball court analyst attorney and Dumbsh*tism sufferer Rick Santorum, said that he doubts the condition will be a successful defense. "Based on my personal experience," said Santorum, "you need to add crazy into the mix to make it work."
Court appointed psychologists confirmed that both Moonda and Bradford, "are indeed dumbsh*ts. In fact, both individuals are not run-of-the-mill dumbsh*ts, but a form of super-dumbsh*t rarely encountered in scientific research."
Shortly following his arrest, Damian Bradford, confessed to shooting Dr. Gulam Moonda in exchange for a box of Twinkies and a case of Mountain Dew. He implicated Mrs. Moonda after police offered Bradford Ho-Ho's and Mr.Pibb during interrogation. Bradford has struck a plea bargain to testify against Mrs. Moonda in exchange for easy access to sugar and caffeine during his lengthy confinement. Carbolic Smoke Ball court analyst attorney and Dumbsh*tism sufferer Rick Santorum, said that he doubts the condition will be a successful defense. "Based on my personal experience," said Santorum, "you need to add crazy into the mix to make it work."
This is for real . . .
If you are an actor or comic and would like to be part of our Carbolic Smoke Ball: Pittsburgh Unhinged live revue to launch this fall, drop us a line at thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com We are looking to add a few players to our core group of thespians (with a "th") and thought we should post a note to make sure we're not missing anyone who might be interested from our vast audience. Thank you.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
PITTSBURGH TRIVIA: 1956
FORMER MAYOR DAVID L. LAWRENCE CONVINCED CECIL B. DEMILLE TO OMIT "THE PLAGUE OF THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES" FROM HIS EPIC "THE TEN COMMANDMENTS"
ANN COULTER CLAIMS UPS HAS A LIBERAL BIAS
Trucks turn right 90% of the time, but “that’s not good enough,” rabid commentator says
NEW YORK --- Conservative author and speaker Ann Coulter charged today that United Parcel Service is bringing a secret liberal agenda to the mundane world of package delivery.
For years, UPS has tried to maximize efficiency with computer-assisted sorting and tracking. Now the company has designed detailed routes for drivers that have them avoid delays and potential accidents by making right turns whenever possible. Their mapping system is so good that ninety percent of all turns go right.
To Coulter, that is not enough. “They still go left ten percent of the time,” she said in a spit-flying rant. “That’s hundreds of thousands of left-leaning biases every year. And I bet a lot of the packages they deliver go to the homes of liberals.”
“I have no idea what’s she talking about," said local UPS driver Steve Dolin. “Nobody really talks politics with me when I bring a package. People usually aren’t at home, so I just leave my packages at the door. When I go to an office, most people just want to talk about their crazy bosses when I ask how they’re doing. And, geez, our corporate color is brown. That’s like, neutral.”
“Brown can stand for only one thing,” Coulter shot back, “and that’s Jerry Brown -- the most liberal former governor of the most liberal state in the United States. Obviously UPS has some sort of hidden agenda to promote his political views. It all fits together once you start thinking about it.”
Coulter then announced that she will no longer send or accept packages through UPS. To driver Dolin, that’s a relief. “We’ve had six guys on her route quit because of the stress. She started screaming at them if they so much as carried a box in their left hand. Who needs that when there are so many nice people on other routes? I almost feel bad for the FedEx guys who’ll have to pick up the slack, but not that bad.”
CHRYSLER BIDDING BEGINS
NEW YORK - Billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, shown here addressing Chrysler stockholders, is making a second attempt to acquire Chrysler, this time from German owners Daimler-Benz.
In 1998 Kerkorian lost out in bidding for Chrysler after Daimler-Benz invaded Poland, annexed the Sudetenland and acquired Chrysler in a series of stunning tactical moves that caught the west completely off guard.
Kerkorian's 1998 bid was $11.4 billion while his current bid, reflecting the falling fortunes of Chrysler, is rumored to be $24 and a buckskin bag of beads.
Daimler-Benz is rumored also to be looking for a buyer for its U-boat division, Das Boot AG, which has never fared well against the competition.
AFTER STRING OF "HO-HUM" NEWS, WPXI GM RAY CARTER TELLS METEOROLOGIST MIKE LAPOINT TO INVOKE NATIVE AMERICAN WEATHER "TECHNIQUES" TO CREATE MORE BUZZ
"THERE'S A REASON HIS TITLE IS 'CHIEF' METEOROLOGIST," EXPLAINS CARTER, "DANCING AND SINGING A FEW, SIMPLE VOCABLES IS AN ANCIENT, IF LITTLE KNOWN, REQUIREMENT FOR ALL AMS-CERTIFIED METEOROLOGISTS. IT'S CLEARLY SPELLED OUT IN HIS JOB DESCRIPTION. FURTHERMORE, IT MIGHT DO HIM SOME GOOD TO HELP CLEAR UP THIS 'NORM MCDONALD' IMAGE EVERYONE'S TRYING TO PEG ON HIM."
'URBI ET ORBI': POPE DECRIES BLOODSHED IN IRAQ, NADY'S BOTCHED PLAY THAT GAVE REDS VICTORY OVER BUCS
VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI delivered his traditional "Urbi et Orbi" Easter address, described as the Pope's "gift to the world," from the central balcony of St. Peter's Basilica. Benedict read out a long list of troubling current events, including what he called "tragedies" in Afghanistan and Darfur, but saved his sharpest comments for the end.
"Nothing positive comes from Iraq, torn apart by continual slaughter as the civil population flees," the Pope said. "And just yesterday, Xavier Nady, sharing the name of one of the great Saints of the Church, allowed a fly ball to deflect off his glove to give Adam Dunn a homerun, and the Reds a victory over the Pirates." The Pope removed his mitre with uncharacteristic anger and threw it to the ground before storming inside St. Peter's Basilica.
The address was in contrast to the Pope's appearance on the balcony last Easter when he scrapped his annual "Urbi et Orbi" gift to the world in favor of fruitcake. At that time, the Pope made his appearance on the balcony on schedule but stared at his prepared text in silence for several minutes, causing many in the crowd to assume he was ill. Suddenly he looked up and stared straight ahead and muttered in a soft but clearly audible voice, "Hopeless, absolutely hopeless." Then he turned to his right and spoke to someone out of view. "OK, Jerry, send in the fruitcakes. I'm done here." Then he brusquely waved to the crowd and disappeared. A short time later a caravan of trucks rolled into the Saint Peters Square and began distributing fruitcakes to the estimated 80,000 pilgrims.
CAR DEALER KENNY ROSS' AUNT PENNY ADMITS TO HOLDING UP BANK
PITTSBURGH - Penny Ross, the 76-year old woman accused of robbing the National City Bank in West Mifflin last year, before leading police on a low-speed chase in the left lane of Agnew Road with her right-turn signal blinking all the while, pleaded guilty Thursday morning in the hopes of avoiding jail time when she is sentenced on June 27. Ross, long-time pitchwoman for her nephew Kenny Ross' car dealership, was apprehended in March 2006 when she abandoned her vehicle in front of the Old Country Buffet. Authorities theorize she was trying to get in line before the expiration of the lunch-time senior citizen discount.
The elder Ross was released to the custody of her nephew in exchange for a new Chevy Malibu. “My Aunt Penny has been slipping lately,” said Mr. Ross at the time. "But never in my wildest dreams did I think she would do something like this.” Mr. Ross said that his aunt formerly regaled the Ross family with tales about her exploits as a member of the Barrow gang “back in the good old depression days,” but, he said, "we always thought it was just typical, crazy old-people talk. I guess the joke was on us.”
Kenny Ross denied reports that he is looking for a new spokesperson, but he was recently seen dining with former Mayor Sophie Masloff at the Tower Diner in the Gulf Tower.
Attorney Jim Ecker, who is representing Aunt Penny, said his client pleaded guilty even though the charges against her were “preposterous.” Despite being confronted with eyewitness accounts corroborated by no fewer than ten people, a video tape showing Aunt Penny pointing a gun at the bank teller, a large bag of money found in the front seat of the getaway car containing the exact amount of money missing from the National City Bank, and a signed confession from his client, Mr. Ecker remained unflappable. “Even though we entered into a guilty plea, my client is innocent of all charges,” he said, adding that “we look forward to getting a good deal in Court at the sentencing, not unlike the good deal you’ll get from my client’s nephew at Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet.” Mr. Ecker predicted his client soon will be “back on the street making her legendary elderberry preserves in no time.”
PGA PROS UPSET ABOUT CHANGES AT AUGUSTA, MINI WINDMILLS AND DINOSAURS ADDED TO FABLED COURSE
AUGUSTA - PGA pros were hopping mad today when officials of the Masters Tournament unveiled significant changes to fabled Augusta National Golf Course that will make the nearly-impossible course even more difficult. Among the alterations are the addition of miniature windmills on five greens and ferocious-looking faux dinosaurs scattered throughout the course. On the treacherous 12th, when the ball enters the hole it will disappear down a pipe and shoot out onto a lower green surface. With his deep voice and heavy southern accent, Masters Chairman Bradleys Roadhouse explained the changes are an attempt to appeal to a younger generation that has "all but abandoned golf in favor of video games and illicit, filthy sex with their underage partners."
Tiger Woods, for one, finds some of the alterations encouraging, most notably the rule-change where a hole-in-one on the 18th entitles the golfer to either a free game or a dish of ice cream, in his sole discretion.
WTAE REPORTS "JOE DENARDO LOOKING FRESHER THAN EVER" AS HE IS CALLED IN TO HELP WITH TEAM COVERAGE OF UPCOMING "GREAT EASTER FREEZE OF 2007" COVERAGE
NEW KID ON THE WEATHER FRONT, ERIN KIENZLE, ASSIGNED TO TASK OF "KEEPING JOE COMFORTABLE, CAFFEINATED, BREATHING"
BRITISH SAILORS RELEASED
ROYAL MARINE BASE CHIVENOR, ENGLAND - Iran's surprise release of fifteen British sailors it claimed were captured in Iranian waters has ended the tense diplomatic standoff. Arriving in England the sailors described their 13-day ordeal where they were held without tea or crumpets. The sailors said they were only given food that they couldn't pronounce and were appalled by the quality of the place settings and lack of linen napkins. "It was absolute hell," said sailor Simon Massey. "The TV had no remote, the magazines were a week old and you've seen how they dress . . . ."Even though the British denied that their vessel had violated Iranian waters, sailor Kaye Tunney told reporters, "In the future we will only encroach in the waters of civilized countries like Jamaica, Switzerland or Canada."
JEFF VERSZYLA FACES BIGGEST DECISION OF HIS CAREER AS "FREAK" SPRING COLD FRONT, FLURRIES APPROACH
KDKA HEAD WEATHERCASTER MUST DECIDE BETWEEN WOOLBLEND, MICROFIBER SUITS FOR ON-AIR FORECASTS, COLOR CHOICES ALSO A CONCERN
MOB OF ANGRY PENNSYLVANIANS "SNOWBALL" PUNXUTAWNEY PHIL TO DEATH FOR FAULTY SPRING FORECAST
NEXT ON THEIR HIT LIST: LOCAL METEOROLOGISTS --
JEFF VERSZYLA
DON SCHWENNEKER
KEVIN BENSON
* No animals were harmed in the making of this photo. Except Phil, the groundhog, who is dead.
DON SCHWENNEKER
KEVIN BENSON
* No animals were harmed in the making of this photo. Except Phil, the groundhog, who is dead.
RICK SANTORUM EXPLAINS WHY HE JOINED ECKERT SEAMANS LAW FIRM
Santorum says he had to "get out" of law firm he'd been with because the morale, pettiness and backstabbing were so bad he "could not work in that atmosphere another minute." Santorum was a sole practitioner.
GOVERNOR RENDELL MOVES DATE OF 08 PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY TO NEXT TUESDAY
CITES DESIRE TO INCREASE PENNSYLVANIA’S INFLUENCE IN SELECTION PROCESS, INFURIATE PEOPLE OF IOWA AS KEY FACTORSHARRISBURG - Governor Ed Rendell announced this morning at his weekly news conference that he has decided to move up the date of the state’s 2008 presidential primary.
The new date is next Tuesday.
The Governor offered several reasons for the change. “I think choosing a candidate to run for the highest office in the land is too important to be left to the slow-witted hicks of a two-bit state like Iowa. That goes double for the granite-brained residents of the granite state.” The Governor was referring to Iowa and New Hampshire, two states that have traditionally held the earliest contests for delegates during a presidential election campaign.
“I want to say today to Hillary, and Barack, and Mitt – what the hell kind of a name is Mitt? – We’ve got your delegates right here. Come and get’em!” The Governor said he was taking appropriate measures to allow candidates maximum flexibility in visiting as many communities across the Commonwealth as possible in the six days remaining before polls open.
“I have instructed the state police to waive all speed limits for anyone campaigning for President traveling across our roads for the next week. Also, I have designated all Pennsylvania air-space a free-fly zone, which means candidates won’t have to receive clearance from air-traffic controllers when going by helicopter or commuter jet to and from volunteer fire halls and church basements.”
The Governor’s move comes less than twelve hours since the Ohio state legislature voted to change the date of the 2008 Ohio presidential primary to next Monday.
FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE DENNIS HASTERT NAMED NEW MAYTAG REPAIRMAN
LONELY NON-CHARISMATIC ILLINOIS REPUBLICAN EXPECTED TO SPEND HOURS DICTATING MEMOIRS TO WASHERS, DRYERS
PELOSI DEFECTS
DAMASCUS - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (pictured here expressing concern about finding a ladies room upon her arrival in Syria) unexpectedly defected to Syria during her visit to the volatile middle eastern nation. Citing the "great weather," her fondness for head scarves and well-known penchant for swarthy men, Pelosi requested political asylum from several Syrian diplomats immediately upon her arrival in Damascus. Publicly, the Syrians were non-committal, replying, "First we eat, then we dance, then we talk." Privately, they expressed reluctance. "This dame seems to be a real pain in the ass," they said.President Bush criticized Pelosi's trip but was delighted by her defection. "It's a great day for America and the citizens of her district," he said. "I'm going to see if we can send Hillary Clinton and that Obama guy to North Korea for a little fact-finding next week. Maybe they'll get ideas like Nancy did."
CHANNEL 11 REPORTER DEE THOMPSON DISPATCHED TO MT. EVEREST IN PREPARATION FOR UPCOMING SNOWFALL
NEWS DIRECTORS AT CHANNELS 2, 4 PERPLEXED BY ASSIGNMENT; HOWEVER, CLOSE FRIEND OF CHOPPER 11 PILOT SAYS IT MAY BE RELATED TO HEARING IMPAIRMENT SUFFERED FROM LONG HOURS SPENT IN LOUD HELICOPTER: "HE ALWAYS USED TO JOKE, 'MT. WASHINGTON, MT. LEBANON, MT. EVEREST -- IT ALL SOUNDS THE SAME WITH THOSE PROPELLERS WHIRLING AROUND'"
PITTSBURGH PUBLIC WORKS DIRECTOR GUY COSTA ASSURES RESIDENTS CITY PREPARED FOR INCLEMENT WEATHER; CREWS ON STAND-BY, SALT PILES OVERFLOWING
"WE EXPECT TO HAVE A SURPLUS OF SALT THIS TIME, IN FACT," SAYS COSTA, "AND WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO WITH IT"
RELEASED BRITISH SAILORS VOW TO EXACT VENGEANCE ON IRAN'S PRESIDENT FOR UNJUST ARREST
SAILORS TO "VISIT" AHMADINEJAD ON HIS CAPE FEAR RIVER HOUSEBOAT IN NORTH CAROLINA
IRAN'S AHMADINEJAD RELEASES SAILORS AS 'EASTER GIFT' TO BRITAIN
U.S. DISAPPOINTED THAT ALL IT RECEIVED WAS GOURMET GIFT BASKET
PITTSBURGH ZOO FINED BY HUMANE SOCIETY
OVERZEALOUS KEEPER PAID HOMAGE TO LE MAGNIFIQUE FOR "SAVING OUR TOWN." DETAILS AT 11.
THE 'T' SETS NEW LAND-SPEED RECORD
360 mph beats record set recently by French train; hundreds die of whiplash in trip from Steel Plaza to Wood St. Station
TONY BLAIR HIRES JIM ECKER TO REPRESENT FIFTEEN BRITISH HOSTAGES
FAMED DEFENSE ATTORNEY CONFIDENT CONFESSIONS OF GUILT WON’T HOLD UP IN IRANIAN COURT
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