QUEEN SUPPORTS GENO'S PHILLY CHEESE STEAK'S 'ENGLISH ONLY' POLICY
WASHINGTON - Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip filmed a special public service announcement today with Joey Vento, the owner of Geno's Philly Cheese Steaks, to support the "English only" policy Vento champions. Vento was the center of a maelstrom last year when he posted a sign at his famous fast-food restaurant saying: "This is America, please order In English."
As soon as the Royals arrived at the television studio where the announcement was to be filmed, Vento yelled, "Hey! There you both are!" and hugged the Queen. The Queen was visibly startled by the faux pax and pushed Vento away. Within minutes, the cameras were rolling.
Vento, reading from cue cards in a stiff and unconvincing manner, yelled, "Yo, Queen, jeet yet?"
"No, Joey," said the Queen, doing her best to imitate a Philadelphia accent. "Jew?"
Vento put his arm around Philip. "Well, next time yous two are in Philly, I ain't lettin' yous two stop at no Ack-a-me to grab your dinner; yous two are both gonna be my guest at Geno's, where it's all English, all the time."
Then the camera closed in on the Queen. "Well, Joey, it's my pleasure, because Great Britain salutes your efforts to promote uniformity in speech as a positive means of finding a common cultural ground in the vast melting pot that is America."
A perplexed look shot across Vento's face, and it was clear he was no longer acting. "Vast what-ing pot? Alright, turn off the cameras," he yelled. Then he glared at the Queen. "I get it, this is a joke, right? Here we're doin' a commercial about 'English-only' and you're puttin' me on, speakin' some other language."
Prince Philip calmed Vento down. "Look here, old man, Her Majesty is quite serious," he said. The director intervened, and it was decided that the Queen's final lines would be filmed from a studio in London. As the Royals hurried into their car, Philip said, "That man scares the bejeebers out of me. I don't care what language he speaks."
LIBERAL MOTHER RAISES CONSERVATIVE CHILD AS HER OWN
CALIFORNIA, Berkeley -- In an astonishing display of maternal instinct and selflessness, a registered and professed “far-left leaning Democratic” female has begun to suckle a newborn abandoned on her doorstep.
His mother, whom authorities do not expect to be identified, left him swaddled in an American flag and tucked in a bread basket, with a note that read only, “Please see to it that he’s raised a conservative.” Betty Budinski, 39, a stay-at-home mom who already has five children of her own along with her husband Ray, an architect by profession, says she fully intends to honor that wish.
“This mother has apparently suffered enough, to give up her child like that, and if it is her will -- or her George F. Will, ha ha ha -- that he be raised a staunch Republican, so be it. Looking ahead, we imagine there’s going to be a lot of lively discussion at the dinner table,” joked Budinski.
His mother, whom authorities do not expect to be identified, left him swaddled in an American flag and tucked in a bread basket, with a note that read only, “Please see to it that he’s raised a conservative.” Betty Budinski, 39, a stay-at-home mom who already has five children of her own along with her husband Ray, an architect by profession, says she fully intends to honor that wish.
“This mother has apparently suffered enough, to give up her child like that, and if it is her will -- or her George F. Will, ha ha ha -- that he be raised a staunch Republican, so be it. Looking ahead, we imagine there’s going to be a lot of lively discussion at the dinner table,” joked Budinski.
POST-GAZETTE INVOKES ROONEY RULE TO REPLACE PETER LEO; FIRST MINORITY CANDIDATE TO INTERVIEW FOR VACANT WRITING COACH POSITION IS O.J. SIMPSON
PITTSBURGH - Post-Gazette Editor David Shribman will interview O.J. Simpson this morning for the position of head writing coach at the paper. The position opened up nearly two weeks ago when longtime coach Peter Leo resigned in order to spend more time with his family.In 1977, Mr. Simpson wrote a much-loved Hollywood tell-all entitled “Excuse Me, Mr. Allen, My Shorts Are On Fire: Love and Laughs On The Set Of The Towering Inferno.” In 1994, Mr. Simpson wrote a best-selling book entitled “I Want To Tell You” while incarcerated awaiting trial for a double homicide. Recently, Mr. Simpson contributed a lengthy essay to Film Comment on the enduring popularity of “Capricorn One.” The essay will accompany a special director’s cut of the movie when it is released on DVD this Christmas.
Reached on the golf course yesterday, Simpson said he was looking forward to coaching columnist Brian O’Neill. “He really is a five-tool writer. He’s got the arm, which makes typing much easier, and he runs well. Especially when it’s time to pick up the check.”
Simpson said he was confident he would be able to persuade O’Neill to write about something other than the state legislature.
“I plan on being a real hands-on coach, if you know what I mean.”
ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND TOMB OF HEROD THE GREAT, KING WHO PLOTTED TO DESTROY CHRIST
HEROD'S DESCENDANTS SHOCKED TO FIND BODY DECKED OUT IN CHRISTMAS REGALIA, WEARING SANTA SUIT
PARIS HILTON TO SERVE JAIL TIME, SHARE CELL WITH CHARLES MANSON
Former cult leader said he will appeal Judge’s ruling as cruel, unusual punishment.
TOM ATKINS DOES ONE-MAN SHOW OF HAL HOLBROOK DOING ONE-MAN SHOW OF MARK TWAIN
PITTSBURGH - Ever since he was a young actor playing cops and other tough guy parts, Pittsburgh native and Duquesne University graduate Tom Atkins has wanted to do a one-man show portraying Hal Holbrook portraying Mark Twain. He got his wish Sunday night when Holbrook came down with the flu just hours before he was scheduled to take the stage at Heinz Hall to do Hal Holbrook in Mark Twain Tonight! Atkins agreed to go on, but insisted the title be changed to Tom Atkins in Hal Holbrook in Mark Twain Tonight!
"Twain held a mirror up to society, and his material is as fresh today as when he was alive," said Atkins. But Atkins felt some updating was needed so he quickly called in playwright and sports writer Gene Collier, with whom Atkins collaborated on The Chief, a celebration of the life of Pittsburgh Steelers patriarch Art Rooney.
"First thing I did," said Collier, "I ditched the Holbrook make-up. The way Tom and I envision Twain, he should look more like -- well, Art Rooney, believe it or not. And I doubt that anybody noticed, but I changed the Mississippi River to the Monongahela."
The most rewarding part of the show for Atkins playing Holbrook playing Twain was when Twain pretends to be President Andrew Jackson. "That's a dream come true," said Atkins. "Being Holbrook being Twain being Jackson and looking like Art Rooney. Hell, you just get lost in the role. Or roles. When I got home Sunday night, I didn't know who the hell I was."
GOVERNOR CONDONES SPEEDING
Defense attorneys to cite “The Rendell Rule” for clients with speeding tickets
HARRISBURG -- Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell admitted last week he allows his state troopers to exceed the speed limit regularly, even after the crash of New Jersey Governor John Corzine, not to mention his own highly-publicized 100 mph travel three years ago. At that time, Rendell instituted a new policy that his drivers must obey the speed limit. Now that policy is out the window.
“We try to stay within the speed limit, unless traffic is going faster. Maybe the trooper will go 70. Or maybe 80, tops,” Rendell said. “And then, of course, faster if it’s an emergency, like when I’m late for dinner.”
HARRISBURG -- Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell admitted last week he allows his state troopers to exceed the speed limit regularly, even after the crash of New Jersey Governor John Corzine, not to mention his own highly-publicized 100 mph travel three years ago. At that time, Rendell instituted a new policy that his drivers must obey the speed limit. Now that policy is out the window.“We try to stay within the speed limit, unless traffic is going faster. Maybe the trooper will go 70. Or maybe 80, tops,” Rendell said. “And then, of course, faster if it’s an emergency, like when I’m late for dinner.”
Lead-footed drivers applauded his stand. Local plumber Noah Swayne has received 24 speeding tickets in the last four years. “I always figured they [government officials] were saying one thing and doing another. If the governor can speed, so can I. And my attorney will be happy to have a new defense for me.”
Swayne’s attorney, R. Cardamone Angini, agreed. “I’ve used up just about every flimsy excuse I can for Noah,” he said. “I’ve told the judge he was rushing home because his house was on fire, or because his father was taken to the hospital, or his wife was in labor. The guy’s not even married, but luckily they didn’t ask for proof. The judge is starting to roll his eyes when I talk, though, so it’s a good thing the governor gave us this new guideline to use. I might get more clients contesting tickets, and drivers can go as fast as they want without worrying about fines or points on their licenses. And when more accidents occur due to excessive speed, the personal injury attorneys will swoop in and file lawsuits. It’s a win-win for all of us.”
One group that does not consider this “win-win” is the Pennsylvania’s State Police. Police Commander Jeffrey Miller declined to criticize the governor directly, but “the governor counts on us bringing in a certain amount of revenue every year for the state through speeding tickets,” he said. “I don’t know if we’ll be able to meet our goal now. Maybe he can raise property taxes or add more slot machines around the state to make up the difference. Or maybe he could just go the speed limit and tell everyone else to, too.”
YOUNG PROFESSIONAL WHO RECENTLY MOVED TO PITTSBURGH FROM PHOENIX DEMANDS SPECIAL RECOGNITION, TREATMENT
PITTSBURGH -- 30-something computer programmer Todd Lincoln Park has threatened to move back to Phoenix if the city continues to fail to bestow upon him benefits to which he believes he is clearly entitled.Park, who took up residency in a studio apartment in Shadyside this March, would not elaborate on exactly what he meant by "benefits," but hinted “season tickets to the Steelers would be nice.”
Clark is outraged because he said that since his move to assume a position at Carnegie Mellon University, he has yet to receive a personal phone call from the Mayor or “anyone else of importance” thanking him for his decision to accept a job and relocate here, especially considering he had offers from Seattle and even New York.
“To say I’m disappointed would be a vast understatement. I thought that as soon as word got out that a young person with a college degree -- and very virile, if you know what I mean -- moved here, that I’d be getting cards and letters in the mail, and maybe even a key to the city. I mean, that’s the impression I got from reading about Pittsburgh when I lived in Arizona,” he disparaged.
"The City's extreme focus on sucking up to, and everything short of sucking otherwise, young people greatly influenced my decision to haul it all the way out here."
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl’s office had no comment as of press time, nor a spokesperson.
DICK CHENEY SLATED TO APPEAR AS VILLIAN IN 'SPIDER-MAN 4'
HOLLYWOOD - The Vice President will play a villain named 'The Grouse' who will battle Spider-Man in the fourth installment of the prized franchise.
Reportedly, The Grouse will insist he is winning even when things couldn't be going worse for him, thereby setting the stage for his appearance in the fifth installment of the series.
QUEEN ELIZABETH EXPLODES IN EXPLETIVE-FILLED TIRADE AT CONCLUSION OF KENTUCKY DERBY, PROFESSOR HIGGINS MORTIFIED
CHURCHILL DOWNS - Queen Elizabeth II, daughter of a Cockney chimney sweep who ascended to the throne under the careful tutelage of Professor Henry Higgins, let loose a stream of profanity at the conclusion of Saturday's Kentucky Derby.
Following her outburst, a number of ladies in attendance, watching the race through special viewing glasses, fainted. A spokesman for the Queen blamed the rash of faintings on the weight of the enormous oversized hats the victims were wearing.
"The Royal Doctor has assured us that the compression of that type of headgear on the skulls of such dainty women for extended periods of time can cause momentary loss of oxygen to the brain, resulting in loss of consciousness."
Professor Higgins disagreed. "Eliza, I mean, Elizabeth was responsible. The sheer force of her obscenities tore the elbow patches off my tweed jacket!" Higgins lamented the fact that all of his hard work to turn an uneducated guttersnipe into a lady was undone in a matter of seconds. "But, in retrospect, perhaps I should have shut her off after the sixth mint julep."
Higgins said despite his anger at the Queen for embarrassing him on Saturday, he looked forward to seeing her again. "I’ve grown accustomed to her face." For the moment, the Professor said he had other plans. "I’m taking the first plane home to England, and I’m going to find Colonel Pickering. And then, I’m going to strangle him with my bare hands."
Queen Put Down After Breaking Leg at Derby
CHURCHILL DOWNS, Ky. -- Queen Elizabeth II, monarch of the British empire and an enduring symbol of royal houses that once reigned supreme over half the world, was euthanized by veterinarians yesterday after breaking her leg on a stairwell en route to a private box at the Kentucky Derby.
The queen, who was attending her first derby and was more accustomed to the grass turf at England’s Ascot Races, was ascending the stairwell in third place, behind two body guards, when she briefly bumped vice president Dick Cheney on a landing as she turned, and then stumbled.
A team of Derby specialists rushed to the scene, but determined that the break was a clean snap along the lower right tibia.
“At her age, that just doesn’t heal,” said Derby vet Gary Sanremo. “We all agreed she’d suffered enough, what with the fracture, the swelling, that thing with her daughter-in-laws.”
Dr. Sanremo blamed part of the dilemma on the traditional British diet.
“You can’t eat starchy, heavily sauced food and deep fry everything you stuff in your gullet and expect your body to stay in top form,” he said. After the queen was put down, Dr. Sanremo said an examination revealed that she still had all her teeth.
“This was a very well cared-for queen,” he said. “Other than the diet, which I guess is a cultural thing, she was kept clean, obviously had comfortable bedding and was adequately watered. This is just one of those things.”
COURT FILINGS REVEAL ASTRONAUT LISA NOWAK'S DEFENSE RE: 1,000 MILE RIDE TO KIDNAP ROMANTIC RIVAL: STOWAWAY DR. ZACHARY SMITH THREW CAR OFF COURSE
BOMBASTIC SABOTEUR REPEATEDLY CALLED NOWAK A "BUBBLE-HEADED BOOBY," SHE CLAIMS
New Parking Tickets To Promote Downtown
In a move to boost Pittsburgh’s struggling retail corridor, the Ravenstahl administration has redesigned city parking tickets to include the reminder, “Don’t Forget To Shop Downtown.”
“This is an innovative way to get the word out about the fantastic shopping, dining and other amenities our city has to offer,” said Mayor Luke Ravenstahl.
The new ticket design includes the mayor’s photo and a the promotional slogan directly below the spot informing motorists of fines ranging from $16 for an expired meter to $100 for parking in a tow-away zone.
Faced with stiff competition from suburban malls, shopping centers and even online merchants, the city has been casting about for an effective, but low-cost way of reaching potential shoppers. The idea of using the empty space on city parking citations was a parting gift from ousted mayoral aide Marlene Cassidy, who said she hoped the mayor would use it during the election season “and for a long time after that.”
Ravenstahl’s new advisers enthusiastically embraced the idea. “These people are already Downtown anyway,” the mayor said. “So we know they want to come down here. And we give out thousands of these things every day, so why not include a message encouraging them to come back?”
The city also has proposed that various Downtown merchants could get individual advertising messages onto the tickets, or even sponsor a class of violation for a nominal fee, but to date response has been slow.
Mayor Ravenstahl said he has instructed the city’s parking authority to increase its regular printing of tickets in anticipation of a heavy retail advertising push by meter attendants throughout the city.
“Our goal is to get one of these on every car in the city by year’s end,” the mayor said. “We want to make sure these people know that we want them to shop Downtown.”
BAGHDAD BOB NAMED SUCCESSOR TO DICK SKRINJAR
MAYOR VOWS TO MAINTAIN HIGHEST LEVELS OF ACCURACY, BOMBAST IN DEALINGS WITH THE PRESS
Joe Hardy to Wed Yet Again
Colorful 84 Lumber millionaire Joe Hardy will marry a 4-month-old human embryo that has recently been identified as female, a family spokesman confirmed today.
“Mr. Hardy and his new bride are clearly very happy and looking forward to their forthcoming honeymoon,” said spokesman Gerhard Noodelfuss. Noodelfuss said the couple has rented the plastic ball room at Ikea for their getaway.
The surprise engagement follows the tragic breakup of Hardy’s third marriage, which took place in Las Vegas last month but ended abruptly when the newest Mrs. Hardy was fired for failing to show up for her full-time job as a manicurist at Nemacolin Woodlands.
Citing his company’s “zero tolerance” policy for nepotism, Hardy dismissed his bride. Spokesmen were unable to say how the couple met, although Hardy credited his latest engagement to perseverance, good luck and advances in chromosome technology that made it possible to determine the gender of the embryo.
J.T. FROM THE HILL WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR TALK-SHOW CALLING; OMNIPRESENT VOICE ON PITTSBURGH AIRWAVES WILL ACCEPT HIS AWARD OVER THE PHONE
OSLO - The Royal Swedish Academy Of Communications announced yesterday that it has awarded the Nobel Prize for Talk-Show calling to J.T. from the Hill. The prize comes with a cash award of ten thousand dollars, along with a gold-plated directory containing the phone number of every radio station in the world.
A spokesman for the Academy, Prince Hal, said the prize was being given in “recognition of a lifetime devoted to the service of humanity by offering opinions.” The Prince added that J.T. is an inspiration to millions of people in the world who form views on a variety of issues but are reluctant to use public forums for their personal expressions. “J.T. has consistently demonstrated that he is a man of action. Whenever he has an idea, or a theory, no matter how half-baked or hare-brained, he gets on the phone. And for that, we can all be truly grateful.”
J.T. was informed of his award last night during a phone call made to Bruce Williams on 1410 KQV. “I’m humbled, but thankfully, I’m not speechless,” he said. This is the third time that a local resident has been awarded a Nobel Prize. In 1998, Jocko from Fox Chapel won the first Nobel Prize for Talk-Show Calling, and just last year longtime Pittsburgh sports venue mainstay T.C. Congdon won the Nobel Prize for Vending.
ANNA NICOLE JUDGE LARRY SEIDLIN BURSTS INTO TEARS, ORDERS CARNEGIE MUSEUM'S MUMMY CHILD BURIED IN BAHAMAS
MUMMY'S EGYPTIAN FAMILY HIRES DR. CYRIL WECHT TO DETERMINE CAUSE OF DEATH
PITTSBURGH RIDING HIGH IN APRIL, SHOT DOWN IN MAY
Steel City named most livable last month, but now also tops separate list for poor air quality.
HISTORIAN CLAIMS HE'S DISCOVERED IDENTITY OF VICTORIAN SERIAL KILLER JACK THE RIPPER
HE'S JUSTIN PETERS, SENIOR AT THOMAS JEFFERSON HIGH AND CLERK AT SHEETZ ON CURRY HOLLOW ROAD IN PLEASANT HILLS
JOE HARDY REGISTERS FOR WEDDING GIFTS AT HEALTH-A-RAMA HOSPITAL SUPPLY STORE
LUMBER BARON SAYS HE HOPES MARRIAGE LASTS TO FIFTH ANNIVERSARY WHEN TRADITIONAL GIFT IS "WOOD"
EXCITED GREG BROWN BREAKS INTO GIBBERISH OVER JACK WILSON'S FOURTH INNING FIELDING GEM
BUCS' BROADCASTER UNABLE TO RIGHT HIMSELF, REMAINDER OF BROADCAST INCOMPREHENSIBLE
WECHT: THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SECOND ROCK THROWER ON GRASSY KNOLL OF PARKWAY WEST
"ONE ROCK COULD NOT HAVE CAUSED DAMAGE POLICE ALLEGE," FAMED PATHOLOGIST SAYS, DERISIVELY CALLS IT "THE MAGIC ROCK"
MAYOR RAVENSTAHL BEGINS PROCESS OF HIRING REPLACEMENTS FOR NEWLY VACATED STAFF POSITIONS
FIRST ROUND OF PROSPECTS TO BE SHOWN TRAINING VIDEO AT GROUP SESSION TODAY
BUSH PROMISES 'VETOPALLOOZA'
CAMP DAVID, Md. - President Bush, shown above attempting to distract reporters while discussing a possible veto of war funding, insisted Tuesday that he will veto any bills sent to his desk by Congress that contains "anything the American people really, really want." This policy is referred to by the White House as "Don't Ask, Don't Care" (DADC). "All foreign and domestic policy issues are reviewed by the DADC staff before the it submits formal recommendations to the White House," explained a member of the DADC staff, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The DADC imprint is obvious on budget planning, alternative energy decisions, the response to Katrina, as well as major aspects of the Iraq war," he explained.
Polls showing the unpopularity of the war drove the DADC recommendation that the president veto any war spending bills if they contain a timetable for withdrawing American troops from Iraq. "It's clear the American people would really like to see some sort of an exit strategy, or at the very least some hint of any strategy whatsoever," said the DADC staff member. "But our mission is clear, at DADC we don't make the recommendations the American people want, we make recommendations the president wants to hear."
Polls showing the unpopularity of the war drove the DADC recommendation that the president veto any war spending bills if they contain a timetable for withdrawing American troops from Iraq. "It's clear the American people would really like to see some sort of an exit strategy, or at the very least some hint of any strategy whatsoever," said the DADC staff member. "But our mission is clear, at DADC we don't make the recommendations the American people want, we make recommendations the president wants to hear."
WOLFOWITZ GETS NO CONFIDENCE VOTE FROM MR. DRYSDALE
PRESIDENT OF BEVERLY HILLS COMMERCE BANK SAYS BUSH SHOULD REPLACE WORLD BANK PRESIDENT WITH JETHRO BODINE
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL SALUTES ITS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
Probably no one in the history of Pittsburgh's print media has written in a style remotely similar to Peter Leo's. For almost thirty 30 years, he has honored us with his gentle and, at times, biting wit and his unparalleled skill as a writer. He is an inspiration to everyone who tries to evoke laughter with the written word. He is the best, pure and simple. And he happens to be the man who discovered The Carbolic Smoke Ball. Worse than that, at a time when the Smoke Ball wasn't sure if anybody else "got" what we were doing, he told us "[t]hat stuff is as funny as anything out there." So, we continued. The world has Peter Leo to blame that we're still here. Nobody's perfect.
Mr. Leo is retiring from the day-to-day grind of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. We trust he realizes this does not void his obligation, ordained from on high, to put his writing talents to good use, and to share them with us from time to time. God bless you, Peter Leo. And thank you, for everything.
EMBATTLED WOLFOWITZ UNDER PRESSURE TO RESIGN AS HEAD OF WORLD BANK
CITY COUNCILWOMAN TWANDA CARLISLE SAYS SHE’S “INTERESTED IF THE JOB IS OPEN;” PROMISES TO SPUR GLOBAL ECONOMIC GROWTH THROUGH CONSULTANTS, FAMILY FRIENDS
SALLY WIGGIN GIVES MOUTH-TO-MOUTH TO 17 FAMISHED GUESTS AT ANNUAL RED CROSS GALA
BELOVED WTAE-TV ANCHOR BARRED FROM FUTURE RED CROSS AFFAIRS FOR "SHOWING UP" ORGANIZATION'S TRAINED LIFE-SAVERS; RED CROSS VOWS TO SERVE DINNER EARLIER NEXT YEAR
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