STATE REASSIGNS DUQUESNE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS TO KILBUCK HOLE IN GROUND
STATE EDUCATION SECRETARY ZAHORCHAK: "WE ONLY WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR THE STUDENTS."
BUSH PARDONS LIBBY; PRESIDENT SAYS POSSESSION OF RIDICULOUS NICKNAME 'PUNISHMENT ENOUGH' FOR PERJURY, OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE CONVICTIONS
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush granted former White House aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby a full pardon on Monday for perjury and obstruction of justice convictions stemming from the identity disclosure of a CIA agent. “After enduring a lifetime sentence of answering to a nickname generally reserved for fops, dolts, and the annoyingly cute, I have concluded that Scooter has suffered enough,” said the President. “I have therefore concluded that the two and a half year sentence mandating incarceration for Mr. Libby imposed by the court is excessive, and must be commuted.”
The President issued a supplementary order directing that Mr. Libby change his nickname to “something less fruity, and more appropriate for a grown man” within thirty days. Among the list of Presidential-approved nicknames were “Skip,” “Chip,” and “The Notorious L.I.B.” The order states that failure to comply with the President’s directive could result in the withdrawal of the pardon. A spokesman for the Libby family said a grateful I. Lewis had already settled on a new handle. “From this day forward, you can call him “Lucky.”
NEW PRIMARY DEBATE FORMAT ONLY ALLOTS TIME FOR QUESTIONS, NOT ANSWERS
Voters must judge candidates purely on their facial expressions as questions are being read
WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA CONSERVANCY SHUT DOWN FOR SPONSORING 'COCKFIGHTS' -- WITH FALCONS
WPC MADE MILLIONS ON DEATH MATCH PITTING PITTSBURGH, CLEVELAND PEREGRINES
WALKOUT ORGANIZERS BLAME POOR TURNOUT ON "SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING"
Hundreds of confused protesters misread directions, staged Pirates Walkabout instead
JUDGE ARTHUR J. SCHWAB HOLDS BARRY BONDS IN CONTEMPT OF BASEBALL, JAILS HIM TO KEEP HIM FROM BREAKING HANK AARON'S HOMERUN RECORD
JUDGE: "I'LL LET HIM OUT, WHEN HE RETIRES."
Bush Commutes Libby Sentence, Upgrades Sophomore History Grade to B
WASHINGTON -- President Bush, using powers granted under Article II of the Constitution, today commuted the 30-month prison term handed to former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, calling the sentence "excessive."
The President also used the same constitutional powers to change a "D" grade in history from his sophomore year at Yale to a "B," calling the earlier grade "recessive."
"Mr. Libby was a first-time offender with years of exceptional public service and was handed a harsh sentence based in part on allegations never presented to the jury," the president said in a statement released by the White House. "Furthermore, I think it's a bit much to expect a Yale undergrad to know that Austria and Hungary used to be the same empire. They gave them two different names, goddammit."
Mr. Libby was convicted of lying to investigators about his role in leaking the name of undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame as part of a White House effort to discredit allegations by her husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, that the Bush administration knew that Iraq was not attempting to acquire nuclear materials from Africa in the run up to the latest Gulf War.
Mr. Bush was graded poorly on a paper about 19th Century diplomat Klemens Wenzel von Metternich in part because of his confusion about the existence of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and for mistakenly locating the Congress of Vienna in Mexico.
"I was working on two papers at the same time and one of them was about Francisco Franco, so I made a simple mistake of putting one country where the other belonged," the president said. "Like Scooter, I've suffered, too."
MAYOR HIRES FORMER HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETIC TRAINER AS DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC AFFAIRS
Ravenstahl admits he got idea from Seinfeld episode where Kramer consults his caddy, Stan, regarding legal matters
WILLIE THE DUCK WOUNDED BY VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY; FORMER WIIC MASCOT IN CRITICAL CONDITION
NAPLES - Beloved WIIC television mascot Willie the Duck was critically wounded by the Vice President of the United States this morning while walking beside a lake near his retirement home. Willie was taken by ambulance to Naples Veterinary Hospital where a team of specialists was working furiously to reattach his beak.A spokesman for the hospital said Willie’s condition remains grave. “He’s lost a lot of feathers, and blood, of course, so we’re keeping our fingers crossed.”
Willie’s former co-worker, longtime Channel Eleven television personality Don Riggs, witnessed the shooting. “We were strolling by the water, reminiscing about the old days, when I noticed a couple of guys in the water with rifles,” said Riggs. “Willie had just finished telling me an off-color joke about Ray Tannehill when I heard the shots. The next thing I know, my partner was down.” Riggs became overwhelmed with emotion. “I cradled Willie in my arms and shouted for help,” he sobbed. “Just then, two men I recognized as Vice President Cheney and Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia came running toward me. When they realized who it was they shot, they turned around and ran back toward the water.”
Riggs said he was going to stay by Willies bedside until he made a full recovery. He defiantly refused to change his blood-stained clothes. “Let them see what they did to Willie,” he said. “Let them see what they did to my partner.”
LUKE RAVENSTAHL ASKS FOR BADGES OF ALL POLICE OFFICERS WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE RECORDS
Mayor concedes that remaining force of nine officers would have to work overtime
PRESIDENT BUSH'S STATEMENT COMMUTING LIBBY'S PRISON TERM
The United States Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit today rejected Libby's request to remain free on bail while pursuing the appeals for convictions on perjury and obstruction of justice with sentences to 30 months in prison, two years probation and a hefty fine. I have said throughout this process that it would not be appropriate to comment in this case until Libby's appeals have been exhausted. I believe it is now important to react to that decision. I respect the jury's verdict. But I have concluded that the prison sentence was excessive.
Libby's has been nourishing America with its preeminent canned meat products since 1868. Its Vienna sausages, corned beef, corned beef hash, potted meat and country sausage gravy have delighted people the world over, long predating these criminal charges.
I frankly cannot fathom how the District Judge, in imposing this 30 month sentence, could possibly expect these meat products to be good at the time of their release some two and one-half years from now. This much is clear: meat spoils, even good meat like Libby's.
Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Libby's sentence involving 30 months imprisonment. The Constitution gives the president the power of clemency to be used with respect to meats and other perishables when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that this commutation is an appropriate exercise of such power.
MARINERS' MANAGER MIKE HARGROVE QUITS, SAYS HE CAN'T MUSTER MOTIVATION TO LEAD WINNING TEAM
KEVIN McCLATCHY TRIES TO LURE HIM TO THE PIRATES, SAYS "HE'LL FIT RIGHT IN HERE"
SON OF A BITCH JIM CUNNINGHAM OF WQED-FM SNUBBED ME AT SIX PENN ON FRIDAY
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - At approximately 12:30 p.m. last Friday, I was dining at Six Penn with the Mayor and Jon Delano, drawing up a blueprint for Pittsburgh in the 21st Century that will guide every decision of city government for the next 93 years. Sitting at the booth directly behind us was WQED-FM's classical music guru Jim Cunningham, casually dressed and dining with two young women who shall remain nameless because this isn't about them.This is about me and that son of a bitch Jim Cunningham.
If someone told you that you would be in the same room as Mr. Cunninham, you undoubtedly would expect to hear the modulated, serene voice he employs on his daily FM radio program. Think again. It turns out the comforting voice you hear on the radio is a put-on, a sham like the so-called 20th Century classical music Mr. Cunningham sometimes plays. In fact, Mr. Cunningham's earsplitting voice boomed throughout the restaurant. Several patrons had to cover their ears to prevent permanent hearing loss. My colleagues and I heard every last detail, for example, when Mr. Cunningham explained to his companions that a certain well-known person, who shall remain nameless (because this isn’t about that person, either) is afraid of spiders. On and on he babbled about arachnophobia. One can only imagine how we welcomed hearing about the filthy eight-legged creatures as we ate our soup and tried to solve the problems of Western Pennsylvania.
But, you see, that is what passes for chic, sophisticated discourse in the affected, high-brow world of classical music.
Finally, and to my great relief, Mr. Cunningham got up to leave. But what happened next is nothing short of breathtaking. I am still trying to make sense of it several days later. As he started toward the door, Cunningham looked me in the eye and then – he snubbed me! That's right, you heard me, dear readers. This son of a bitch, public radio disc jockey (and that's exactly what he is) had the audacity to snub the Dean of Pittsburgh journalists.
I expect a heart-felt apology from Mr. Cunningham because Western Pennsylvania is unaccustomed to its Dean being treated in this manner.
MAYOR REACHES COMPROMISE WITH F.O.P. REGARDING PROMOTIONS OF OFFICERS WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE RECORDS
New Policy states that any officer charged with domestic abuse cannot be promoted unless evidence reveals that wife was “just asking for it.”
SHOCKING PHOTO FROM LAST WEEK'S SINEAD O'CONNOR RIVERSIDE CONCERT
WHEN THE MAJESTIC BLEW ITS WHISTLE BEHIND THE STAGE, THE CONTROVERSIAL IRISH SINGER ANGRILY RIPPED UP A PHOTOGRAPH OF GATEWAY CLIPPER FLEET FOUNDER JOHN CONNELLY
MAYOR WANTS OFFICERS TO ATTEND ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES
FOP WANTS MAYOR TO ATTEND CITY MANAGEMENT CLASSES
RAVENSTAHL PROPOSES SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS PLACED HIGH ABOVE GROUND TO CAPTURE 'MAJOR CLEAVAGE'
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl said he wants cameras pointed at PPG Place, Mellon Square and other highly populated gathering places in Golden Triangle. The mayor and members of his Washington and Jefferson College fraternity made the selection of sites based on "where the hot babes hang out." He noted that the placement of the cameras on high poles "would, like, totally make it easy to catch some major cleavage."
GIULIANI ANGRILY CRITICIZES MAYOR FOR RUINING HIS PIZZA IN THE STRIP DISTRICT
FORMER NYC MAYOR AND GOP PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL RUDY GIULIANI HAD HARSH WORDS ABOUT MAYOR'S INTRUSION DURING HIS LUNCH
“It was beautiful, it was fresh. It was the greatest piece of pizza I ever had, and I had 'em all over the world! And then Luke Ravenstahl comes along with his Beaver Cleaver voice and schoolboy charm. And my waitress runs off with my plate before I’m finished. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous! So I told him to get the hell out of here! And if that punk tries any rough stuff, you tell him I ain't no city department head! Yeah, I heard that story.”
MAYOR NAMES IKE TURNER AS POLICE COMMANDER; DEFERS DECISION ON O.J. HIRING UNTIL AFTER ELECTION
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced this morning that legendary rock and roll guitarist Ike Turner has been named the city’s newest police commander. Mr. Turner is the former husband of the singer Tina Turner. “I know that Ike will do a great job in his new position,” said the Mayor. “Throughout his life, Ike has demonstrated a calm demeanor, an even temperament, and the ability to solve problems using creative, non-violent solutions.” The Mayor said he hoped the appointment of Mr. Turner would satisfy critics who complained last week following the promotions of three Pittsburgh police officers accused of domestic abuse. Ravenstahl denied that the Turner promotion was a hastily arranged move designed to placate his critics. “I have heard the voices of those citizens serving on the Review Board, and I have taken what I feel is appropriate action to assuage their concerns.”
In another, unrelated matter, Ravenstahl said he was deferring a final decision on the hiring of former NFL running back O.J. Simpson as a conflict mediation specialist until after the general election in November. “The demands of the campaign prevent me from giving Mr. Simpson’s application the kind of thorough review I usually give these matters,” said Ravenstahl. “I’ll have to take a long look at O.J.’s resume, as well as his body of work, before I make my decision.”
LIZ CLAIBORNE IS DEAD: MACY'S RUNNING "SIX FEET UNDER" SALE THROUGH THURSDAY
"SHOP A WHILE, MOURN IN STYLE," SAYS DEPARTMENT STORE
UPMC PIONEERS ‘PIPE’ THERAPY FOR BROKEN LEG, BALDNESS
Side effects include contemplation, intellectualism.
CHENEY RESIGNS FROM EXECUTIVE BRANCH
WASHINGTON DC - Vice President Cheney has informed Congress of his resignation from the Executive branch of the United States and that he has formed a new branch to consolidate his power and influence which he calls "Giagantor." Vice Presidential spokeswoman Lee Ann McBride explained the powers of Giagantor:
- To oversee and control the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government.
- To correct any flaws it discovers in the Constitution.
- To create legislation and policy that applies to everyone in the country except Giagantor.
- To manipulate commodity prices and perhaps the weather.
- To arrange no-bid contracts for Gigantor's "peeps."
- To destroy cities.
- To correct any flaws it discovers in the Constitution.
- To create legislation and policy that applies to everyone in the country except Giagantor.
- To manipulate commodity prices and perhaps the weather.
- To arrange no-bid contracts for Gigantor's "peeps."
- To destroy cities.
Congress is expected to quickly challenge what Senator Edward Kennedy called "this extra-Constitutional re-arranging of the governmental deck chairs." Several Senators said Congress could deny finding to the Vice President's office or even impeach him. McBride laughed at this suggestion. "Congress has no power over Giagantor, the courts have no power over Giagantor. He is Giagantor."
Noted constitutional scholar Prof. Horace Fibula of the Harding School of Government commented on Cheney's position: "Whoa, that's really f*cked up."
Noted constitutional scholar Prof. Horace Fibula of the Harding School of Government commented on Cheney's position: "Whoa, that's really f*cked up."
Drive-Through Rage Assailant Charged, Promoted On Force
Duane L. Williams, the 46-year-old Penn Hills man accused of punching a 19-year-old woman he accused of treating him rudely at the drive-through at a local Wendy's faces charges of simple assault, harassment, disorderly conduct and promotion to sergeant on the Pittsburgh Police Force."Mr. Williams punched a woman. That is unacceptable. We think he shows the kind of leadership this force needs," said Chief Nate Harper.
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl called Williams's action, "the very kind of random violence we hope he, in his new post on the force, will be able to curtail. Mr. Williams has the kind of go-get-em initiative we are looking for. I don't want him anywhere near my sister."
Advocates for women stormed a city council hearing this week, objecting to the promotion of three other officers who had been accused of domestic violence. Carla Hooligan, a spokeswomanperson for the group, said the Williams case might be different from the others.
"Mr. Williams is accused of socking this woman, who was a perfect stranger, for not telling him 'thank you, have a nice day,'" Ms. Hooligan said. "The other officers are accused of attacking women they knew and, in every instance, these women had told the officers to have a nice day."
WPXI COMMISSIONS HUEY MILITARY COPTER TO COVER BLACKED-OUT PIRATES WALKOUT, REPORTER DEE THOMPSON TO DESCEND FROM AIRCRAFT FOR LIVE COVERAGE
PICTURED: THOMPSON TAKES A PRACTICE RUN WEDNESDAY NIGHT OVER TELEVISION HILL
PIRATES BROADCASTERS ORDERED TO PANTOMIME THIRD INNING OF SATURDAY NIGHT’S GAME
NUTTING INSTALLS TEMPORARY RESTRAINING DEVICE ON ALL SEATS AT PNC PARK
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Pirates have ordered their announcers to describe the entire third inning of Saturday night’s home game against the Washington Nationals by pantomime.
“I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO DO IT, BUT I WILL,” said play-by-play man Greg Brown. “I’VE HEARD THEY WANT TO COVER MY MOUTH WITH DUCT TAPE TO MAKE SURE I DON’T SLIP, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT WILL BE NECESSARY.”
Color man Bob Walk, who is being feted with his own “bobble-head” night, didn’t think fulfilling the club’s directive was going to be a problem. “I spend most of my time in the booth shaking my head, clenching my fist, gritting my teeth, or waving my hands in disgust at what I’m observing, so I’ve had some practice.”
In other Pirate news, principal owner Bob Nutting Jr. also instructed employees of PNC Par k to install a temporary restraining device on every seat. A spokesman for Mr. Nutting, A. Flack, denied the moves were made in response to the much-discussed fan boycott scheduled for this Saturday night. “Mr. Nutting has decided he’s going to deposit bags filled with poisonous vipers and a Bengal tiger or two in the concourse at the conclusion of the second inning Saturday,” said Flack. “I suppose you’re going to say that’s in response to the boycott, too.”
BUCS DEVISE WAY TO KEEP FANS FROM WALKING OUT SATURDAY. . .
DAVE PARKER WILL TAKE THE FIELD AT THE END OF THE THIRD INNING, AND EACH FAN WILL BE GIVEN A PACK OF BATTERIES TO HURL AT HIM
ALASKA OBTAINS PFA AGAINST LOCAL MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING STATE
JUNEAU – For the first time, a state has obtained a Protection from Abuse Order against someone who is stalking it. A court in Alaska entered the order yesterday against Oakmont, Pennsylvania resident Ryan Camuso, whose name is being withheld in accordance with the policy of this news source. Camuso is producer of the popular Morning Show on WDVE-FM.“We had to do something about this lunatic,” explained Alaska Governor Bill “King Salmon” Ambrose, “He was stalking us, harassing us – it was getting scary. We weren’t sure what he’d pull next.”
A source who attended the state’s closed-door hearing said Camuso was “out of control, always wearing Alaska t-shirts and hats, hounding complete strangers to visit the state, claiming he’s the Alaskan ambassador, you know, nutty stuff that people in Pennsylvania just don't do.”
The breaking point came last week when Pittsburgh police were called to a local AAA office because Camuso leaped over the customer service counter after being advised the office was temporarily out of Alaska maps. Witnesses say Camuso shook a customer representative by the neck and screamed at the top of his lungs, “I want that map!” A search of Camuso’s car revealed a pie dish containing baked Alaska lying atop a fully loaded pistol. Hundreds of Alaska maps and brochures were strewn about the front seat. A shaken Governor Ambrose said news of Camuso’s breakdown “sent a shiver from Kodiak to Prudhoe Bay – and I mean a shiver beyond the usual ones we get up here.”
Under the court order, Camuso cannot say the word “Alaska,” much less visit the state, for ten years. Trips to Canada are also out. “Too close for comfort,” the Governor explained.
The state is also making an attempt to rehabilitate Camuso by requiring him to vacation on a Caribbean island of his own choosing at least annually. Camuso’s wife, Lynsie, drafted the order.
NEWS OF SPORTS AND DRUGS . . .
- DOCK ELLIS TO SELL MEMORABILIA BASEBALLS THAT SAY: "I THREW A NO HITTER ON LSD."
- FEDERER WINS 50th STRAIGHT MATCH ON GRASS
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE RUDY GIULIANI TO REPLACE TAKERU KOBAYASHI AT CONEY ISLAND THIS YEAR
DURING VISIT TO PITTSBURGH YESTERDAY, FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR CONTINUES ARDUOUS TASK OF "STOMACH STRETCHING" IN PREPARATION FOR NATHAN'S FAMOUS JULY 4 INTERNATIONAL HOT DOG EATING CONTEST; SEATED OPPOSITE (NOT SHOWN) IS HIS COACH, PENNSYLVANIA GOVERNOR ED RENDELL
HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM LARRY KING'S INTERVIEW OF PARIS HILTON
LARRY: Phoenix, go ahead, what's your question?
. . . .
LARRY: Des Moines, what's your question?
. . . .
LARRY: Boston, go ahead.
. . . .
[Paris revealed the previously undisclosed illness that Sheriff Baca claimed warranted her early release from jail]
PARIS HILTON: Larry, I am allergic to jail cells.
. . . .
LARRY: Santa Fe, go ahead.
. . . .
[Paris reveals what she wrote while she was in jail]
PARIS HILTON: (Reading) "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. . . ."
. . . .
LARRY: New Orleans, go ahead.
JIM ECKER FLIES TO BAGHDAD; FAMED DEFENSE ATTORNEY TO ASSUME REPRESENTATION OF “CHEMICAL ALI” ON APPEAL
BAGHDAD - Noted Pittsburgh defense attorney Jim Ecker arrived in Baghdad this morning to meet with his new client, “Chemical Ali.” Mr. Ecker told reporters at a hastily arranged news conference in the heavily fortified Green Zone that Mr. Ali was “extremely remorseful” for the things he is accused of doing, “despite the fact that he didn’t do any of those things.” Mr. Ecker said he was looking forward to the opportunity of being filmed walking up the steps of the Baghdad courthouse.
“You know, I’ve got film of me walking into some great courthouses. As a matter of fact, I just transferred the footage of me walking into the Hague with Milosevic from vhs to dvd last week,” said Ecker.
Mr. Ali, whose real name is Ali Hassan al-Majid, asked the Iraqi High Tribunal to appoint Mr. Ecker in a motion filed after the verdict was read Monday. Through an interpreter, Mr. al-Majid said he couldn’t turn on a television without seeing Mr. Ecker, so he figured he was the right man to handle his appeal. Mr. al-Majid was convicted of ordering Iraqi security forces to use chemical weapons to kill over one-hundred and eighty thousand Kurds. Mr. Ecker said accusations of genocide against his client were the result of a simple misunderstanding. “I’m sure when the Iraqi Court of Appeals hears our side of the story, Al will be completely exonerated.”
EX-MIDDLE SCHOOL SECURITY GUARD SENTENCED FOR HOLDING JIMMY HOFFA HOSTAGE IN McKEESPORT
PITTSBURGH - Ex-middle school security guard Thomas Hose was sentenced today to a term of five to 15 years for kidnapping and holding hostage former Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa from July 30, 1975 until February of last year. Hoffa was finally released from his captivity when he walked into a McKeesport convenience store, JJ's Deli Mart, and asked the owner to help him.At Hose's sentencing hearing, Hoffa and AFL-CIO President John Sweeney testified. Sweeney pronounced himself “ecstatic” that “we’ve got our Jimmy back.” In Hoffa's emotional testimony, he claimed he was brainwashed by Mr. Hose, a svengali-like figure who lived with his elderly parents. “Every time I said I thought I should be getting back to the office, he told me I was crazy. He told me they weren’t even looking for me anymore, and that nobody loved me except him. And former President Nixon, of course,” said Hoffa, before bursting into tears and excusing himself.
Mr. Hose was also sentenced for keeping twenty-four year old Tanya Kach in an upstairs bedroom for ten years, but Mr. Hoffa testified he never saw her. Hoffa testified that "I had my own problems." For example, he explained, "many times when Mr. Hose’s mother did the wash, I had to stand still for hours while she hung her unmentionables on my arms to dry.”
Sweeney testified that the very mention of Mr. Hose’s name can trigger mood swings in Hoffa. “One minute he’s plotting to return to power, the next minute he’s sobbing uncontrollably.”
In related news, police refused to confirm reports that they have uncovered evidence showing that famed aviator Amelia Earhart also was a prisoner in the Hose home for a time before her death several years ago.
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