Sports Fans in Agreement that McClatchy was Responsible for Keeping Pirates in Town
Disagreement stems from whether or not that was a good thing.
Mayor Clarifies 'Yellow Journalism' Remark
Special report by The Burgher - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl held a press conference to clarify remarks he made about local journalists."I was misquoted by the media, bloggers and specifically Bill Peduto," said Mayor Ravenstahl during his press conference at Cool Springs Driving Range.
"In no way did I mean to insult Jeremy Boren's integrity. I merely thought Jeremy was Asian," he said. "Now that I've ended all media firestorms concerning my Administration, I have to finish my meeting with UPMC."
The Mayor then attempted to pick up his bucket of balls, but was interrupted by journalists who questioned the Mayor's use of a racial slur.
"I'm sorry but I have a meeting in Harrisburg to finish," the Mayor said as he teed up a range ball.
Ravenstahl later called KDKA Radio's Marty Griffin, who confronted the Mayor for using a racial slur.
"That's not true and the media knows that. And I would just say consider the source," Ravenstahl said. "You have to understand the history there. Everyone from Asia is a very, very close acquaintance of my former opponent, before he backed out of the race, Bill Peduto."
MORE GOOD NEWS FOR THE PENGUINS
GM RAY SHERO SIGNS JESUS OF NAZARETH
In sharp contrast to the story coming out of PNC Park, the Pittsburgh Penguins' run of good fortune continues. After racking up several post season honors, resigning popular veterans, acquiring key free agents, and landing highly-rated draft prospects, the Penguins today announced they have agreed to terms with Jesus of Nazareth. Coaxed out of semi-retirement by the prospect of playing on a line with Sidney Crosby, the “Savior,” as he is known, felt that this was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.
“Mario called me personally to talk about his plans for the future. And obviously, I’ve followed the team and believe in what Ray Shero and Michel Therrien are trying to do here,” he said. “I just feel that this is a team poised for glory and I want to be a part of it. Plus I have a chance to play with the greatest player in the world.”
A natural center with great hands, Jesus would be converted to left wing on Crosby’s line. He would also be expected to see time on special teams. Therrien could barely contain his joy.
“I mean, Jesus destroyed sin and overcame death,” the coach said. “I’m sure killing penalties won't be a problem.”
Jesus was asked about the age difference between him and his new center. “Well, it will be a challenge to keep up with him. But I think my experience can help him too. As long as he quits asking me to turn water into wine for him and Staal,” he joked.
Shero also sees Jesus fitting in well with Pittsburgh fans for his contributions both on and off the ice. "He kind of invented community involvement," Shero said. Terms of the deal were not immediately available, but Jesus was reportedly seeking a 2-year contract worth approximately $1.5 million.
In sharp contrast to the story coming out of PNC Park, the Pittsburgh Penguins' run of good fortune continues. After racking up several post season honors, resigning popular veterans, acquiring key free agents, and landing highly-rated draft prospects, the Penguins today announced they have agreed to terms with Jesus of Nazareth. Coaxed out of semi-retirement by the prospect of playing on a line with Sidney Crosby, the “Savior,” as he is known, felt that this was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.“Mario called me personally to talk about his plans for the future. And obviously, I’ve followed the team and believe in what Ray Shero and Michel Therrien are trying to do here,” he said. “I just feel that this is a team poised for glory and I want to be a part of it. Plus I have a chance to play with the greatest player in the world.”
A natural center with great hands, Jesus would be converted to left wing on Crosby’s line. He would also be expected to see time on special teams. Therrien could barely contain his joy.
“I mean, Jesus destroyed sin and overcame death,” the coach said. “I’m sure killing penalties won't be a problem.”
Jesus was asked about the age difference between him and his new center. “Well, it will be a challenge to keep up with him. But I think my experience can help him too. As long as he quits asking me to turn water into wine for him and Staal,” he joked.
Shero also sees Jesus fitting in well with Pittsburgh fans for his contributions both on and off the ice. "He kind of invented community involvement," Shero said. Terms of the deal were not immediately available, but Jesus was reportedly seeking a 2-year contract worth approximately $1.5 million.
PRIME MINISTER CALLS DR. WATSON “PERSON OF INTEREST” IN TERROR PLOT, HOLMES VOWS TO CLEAR NAME OF DEVOTED SIDEKICK
LONDON - Prime Minister Gordon Brown declared Dr. John Watson, long-time sidekick of detective Sherlock Holmes, a “person of interest” in the Glasgow terror attack. The Prime Minister directed MI5, the British security service, to take Dr. Watson into custody pending completion of a government investigation into the plot.
A furious Holmes, wearing his trademark deerstalker cap, clutching a magnifying glass in one hand and a pipe in the other, met with reporters shortly after Dr. Watson was arrested. He denounced the Prime Minister’s assault on the character of his friend.
“Dr. Watson could not have driven that automobile filled with propane tanks into the airport at Glasgow,” said Holmes. “He was here with me, all weekend, at the Baker Street residence we share, playing a game of chess. As a matter of fact, I was just about to defeat him for the ten thousandth consecutive time when we heard news of the explosion on the wireless.”
Holmes expressed skepticism that MI5, or Scotland Yard, would be capable of apprehending the real culprits. “Even I, with my encyclopedic knowledge of botany, chemistry, politics, literature, theology, philosophy, art, biology, swordplay, and the languages of the near and far east, would find it difficult to identify the villain in this lurid tale,” he said. A disappointed sigh arose from the crowd.
"Difficult, but not impossible,” he added. Holmes then began to pace back and forth, his body hunched forward, as he outlined the clues left at the scene of the crime. After a highly-detailed exposition of the facts, and multiple references to his own impressive powers of deductive reasoning, he prepared to reveal the individual responsible for the attacks. However, before he could utter the name, police arrested him for violating the new anti-smoking ban in Britain. Holmes remains in the Tower of London this evening.
MAYOR ASSURES WOMEN'S GROUPS: "MY PROPOSED SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS WILL HELP PREVENT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE . . ."
". . . UNFORTUNATELY, ONE OF THE UNINTENDED SIDE EFFECTS IS THE AMAZING AMOUNT OF CLEAVAGE THE CAMERAS WILL PICK UP."
GOVERNOR RENDELL RETAINS VETERAN ACTOR CLAUDE RAINS TO SHUT DOWN CASINOS IF BUDGET NOT APPROVED BY MONDAY
FOUR-TIME OSCAR NOMINEE REPORTEDLY REHEARSING WHAT HE'LL SAY TO CASINO MANAGERS: "I'M SHOCKED, SHOCKED TO FIND THAT GAMBLING IS GOING ON IN HERE."
MAYOR SET TO MEET WITH MEMBERS OF LOCAL WOMEN'S GROUPS
Says City Council Chambers are boring, suggests alternate location
RAVENSTAHL GOES SHOPPING ON SOUTH SIDE -- FOR MAYOR COSTUME
". . . OR MAYBE I'LL BUY A TRANSVESTITE OUTFIT," SAID MAYOR
RAVENSTAHL UNHAPPY WITH 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS, DEMANDS ZAMBELLI RESIGNATION
"The status quo display is unacceptable," the Mayor told reporters. "We have to do everything we can to move this city's fireworks forward."
EXCLUSIVE PHOTO
INSTEAD OF MEETING WITH WOMEN'S GROUPS ABOUT CONTROVERSIAL POLICE PROMOTIONS, MAYOR WAS CRASHING PARIS HILTON'S HAWAIIAN BASH
A FATHER'S HEART WRENCHING PLEA
WHEN POLICE INFORMED AL GORE THEY FOUND ILLEGAL DRUGS IN HIS SON'S CAR, THE TEARY-EYED EX-VP BEGGED THEM, "PLEASE TELL ME HE WAS DRIVING A PRIUS!"
JUDGE MICHAEL SAUER ORDERS 'SCOOTER' LIBBY JAILED, JUST AS HE DID TO PARIS HILTON
"I DID NOT AUTHORIZE MR. LIBBY'S RELEASE," SAYS ANGRY JUDGE; LIBBY SOBS AS HE'S LED AWAY, YELLS "IT'S NOT RIGHT," AND "MOM!"
NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN MAYOR AND FRATERNAL ORDER OF POLICE BREAKDOWN
Talks regarding policies to be implemented in light of promotions of officers with domestic abuse records end abruptly as F.O.P. President James Malloy reportedly backhands Mayor and tells him to 'get dinner on the table in five minutes'
Libby Wins Pardon, Prizes
HOLLYWOOD -- In a surprise move, President Bush and I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby appeared on the game show 'Deal or No Deal' Monday night. Libby played well enough for Bush to commute his sentence from 2-1/2 years in prison to a brand new car and a briefcase full of cash.
Presidential Spokesperson Dana Perino explained: "The president felt that a game show was an appropriately dignified venue to correct what he sees as a miscarriage of justice."
Bush reportedly plans to announce upcoming extensions of military tours on 'Jeopardy' while Vice President Cheney will host Lobbyist Week on 'The Price Is Right'.
BILL COWHER’S DAUGHTERS WONDERING WHERE HE IS
Meagan, Lauren and Lindsay Cowher still waiting for much anticipated father/daughter bonding to beginSeveral months into his retirement from the Steelers after citing a desire to spend more time with his family, Bill Cowher has yet to spend any time with his family whatsoever. Although his daughters cleared their summer schedules in anticipation of hours playing basketball, walking the beach and bonding with their father, the former head coach has rarely been around their North Carolina home.
Between filming for the reality show "Fast Cars and Superstars: Gillette Young Guns Celebrity Race,” golfing and taking a lot of private calls in his den, Cowher said he just hasn’t "found the time to hang out" with his daughters, despite the fact this was why he retired from football. Daughter Meagan Cowher summed up the daughters' misgivings about the current situation, “I think we got hosed,” she said.
STATE REASSIGNS DUQUESNE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS TO KILBUCK HOLE IN GROUND
STATE EDUCATION SECRETARY ZAHORCHAK: "WE ONLY WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR THE STUDENTS."
BUSH PARDONS LIBBY; PRESIDENT SAYS POSSESSION OF RIDICULOUS NICKNAME 'PUNISHMENT ENOUGH' FOR PERJURY, OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE CONVICTIONS
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush granted former White House aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby a full pardon on Monday for perjury and obstruction of justice convictions stemming from the identity disclosure of a CIA agent. “After enduring a lifetime sentence of answering to a nickname generally reserved for fops, dolts, and the annoyingly cute, I have concluded that Scooter has suffered enough,” said the President. “I have therefore concluded that the two and a half year sentence mandating incarceration for Mr. Libby imposed by the court is excessive, and must be commuted.”
The President issued a supplementary order directing that Mr. Libby change his nickname to “something less fruity, and more appropriate for a grown man” within thirty days. Among the list of Presidential-approved nicknames were “Skip,” “Chip,” and “The Notorious L.I.B.” The order states that failure to comply with the President’s directive could result in the withdrawal of the pardon. A spokesman for the Libby family said a grateful I. Lewis had already settled on a new handle. “From this day forward, you can call him “Lucky.”
NEW PRIMARY DEBATE FORMAT ONLY ALLOTS TIME FOR QUESTIONS, NOT ANSWERS
Voters must judge candidates purely on their facial expressions as questions are being read
WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA CONSERVANCY SHUT DOWN FOR SPONSORING 'COCKFIGHTS' -- WITH FALCONS
WPC MADE MILLIONS ON DEATH MATCH PITTING PITTSBURGH, CLEVELAND PEREGRINES
WALKOUT ORGANIZERS BLAME POOR TURNOUT ON "SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING"
Hundreds of confused protesters misread directions, staged Pirates Walkabout instead
JUDGE ARTHUR J. SCHWAB HOLDS BARRY BONDS IN CONTEMPT OF BASEBALL, JAILS HIM TO KEEP HIM FROM BREAKING HANK AARON'S HOMERUN RECORD
JUDGE: "I'LL LET HIM OUT, WHEN HE RETIRES."
Bush Commutes Libby Sentence, Upgrades Sophomore History Grade to B
WASHINGTON -- President Bush, using powers granted under Article II of the Constitution, today commuted the 30-month prison term handed to former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, calling the sentence "excessive."
The President also used the same constitutional powers to change a "D" grade in history from his sophomore year at Yale to a "B," calling the earlier grade "recessive."
"Mr. Libby was a first-time offender with years of exceptional public service and was handed a harsh sentence based in part on allegations never presented to the jury," the president said in a statement released by the White House. "Furthermore, I think it's a bit much to expect a Yale undergrad to know that Austria and Hungary used to be the same empire. They gave them two different names, goddammit."
Mr. Libby was convicted of lying to investigators about his role in leaking the name of undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame as part of a White House effort to discredit allegations by her husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, that the Bush administration knew that Iraq was not attempting to acquire nuclear materials from Africa in the run up to the latest Gulf War.
Mr. Bush was graded poorly on a paper about 19th Century diplomat Klemens Wenzel von Metternich in part because of his confusion about the existence of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and for mistakenly locating the Congress of Vienna in Mexico.
"I was working on two papers at the same time and one of them was about Francisco Franco, so I made a simple mistake of putting one country where the other belonged," the president said. "Like Scooter, I've suffered, too."
MAYOR HIRES FORMER HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETIC TRAINER AS DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC AFFAIRS
Ravenstahl admits he got idea from Seinfeld episode where Kramer consults his caddy, Stan, regarding legal matters
WILLIE THE DUCK WOUNDED BY VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY; FORMER WIIC MASCOT IN CRITICAL CONDITION
NAPLES - Beloved WIIC television mascot Willie the Duck was critically wounded by the Vice President of the United States this morning while walking beside a lake near his retirement home. Willie was taken by ambulance to Naples Veterinary Hospital where a team of specialists was working furiously to reattach his beak.A spokesman for the hospital said Willie’s condition remains grave. “He’s lost a lot of feathers, and blood, of course, so we’re keeping our fingers crossed.”
Willie’s former co-worker, longtime Channel Eleven television personality Don Riggs, witnessed the shooting. “We were strolling by the water, reminiscing about the old days, when I noticed a couple of guys in the water with rifles,” said Riggs. “Willie had just finished telling me an off-color joke about Ray Tannehill when I heard the shots. The next thing I know, my partner was down.” Riggs became overwhelmed with emotion. “I cradled Willie in my arms and shouted for help,” he sobbed. “Just then, two men I recognized as Vice President Cheney and Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia came running toward me. When they realized who it was they shot, they turned around and ran back toward the water.”
Riggs said he was going to stay by Willies bedside until he made a full recovery. He defiantly refused to change his blood-stained clothes. “Let them see what they did to Willie,” he said. “Let them see what they did to my partner.”
LUKE RAVENSTAHL ASKS FOR BADGES OF ALL POLICE OFFICERS WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE RECORDS
Mayor concedes that remaining force of nine officers would have to work overtime
PRESIDENT BUSH'S STATEMENT COMMUTING LIBBY'S PRISON TERM
The United States Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit today rejected Libby's request to remain free on bail while pursuing the appeals for convictions on perjury and obstruction of justice with sentences to 30 months in prison, two years probation and a hefty fine. I have said throughout this process that it would not be appropriate to comment in this case until Libby's appeals have been exhausted. I believe it is now important to react to that decision. I respect the jury's verdict. But I have concluded that the prison sentence was excessive.
Libby's has been nourishing America with its preeminent canned meat products since 1868. Its Vienna sausages, corned beef, corned beef hash, potted meat and country sausage gravy have delighted people the world over, long predating these criminal charges.
I frankly cannot fathom how the District Judge, in imposing this 30 month sentence, could possibly expect these meat products to be good at the time of their release some two and one-half years from now. This much is clear: meat spoils, even good meat like Libby's.
Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Libby's sentence involving 30 months imprisonment. The Constitution gives the president the power of clemency to be used with respect to meats and other perishables when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that this commutation is an appropriate exercise of such power.
MARINERS' MANAGER MIKE HARGROVE QUITS, SAYS HE CAN'T MUSTER MOTIVATION TO LEAD WINNING TEAM
KEVIN McCLATCHY TRIES TO LURE HIM TO THE PIRATES, SAYS "HE'LL FIT RIGHT IN HERE"
SON OF A BITCH JIM CUNNINGHAM OF WQED-FM SNUBBED ME AT SIX PENN ON FRIDAY
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - At approximately 12:30 p.m. last Friday, I was dining at Six Penn with the Mayor and Jon Delano, drawing up a blueprint for Pittsburgh in the 21st Century that will guide every decision of city government for the next 93 years. Sitting at the booth directly behind us was WQED-FM's classical music guru Jim Cunningham, casually dressed and dining with two young women who shall remain nameless because this isn't about them.This is about me and that son of a bitch Jim Cunningham.
If someone told you that you would be in the same room as Mr. Cunninham, you undoubtedly would expect to hear the modulated, serene voice he employs on his daily FM radio program. Think again. It turns out the comforting voice you hear on the radio is a put-on, a sham like the so-called 20th Century classical music Mr. Cunningham sometimes plays. In fact, Mr. Cunningham's earsplitting voice boomed throughout the restaurant. Several patrons had to cover their ears to prevent permanent hearing loss. My colleagues and I heard every last detail, for example, when Mr. Cunningham explained to his companions that a certain well-known person, who shall remain nameless (because this isn’t about that person, either) is afraid of spiders. On and on he babbled about arachnophobia. One can only imagine how we welcomed hearing about the filthy eight-legged creatures as we ate our soup and tried to solve the problems of Western Pennsylvania.
But, you see, that is what passes for chic, sophisticated discourse in the affected, high-brow world of classical music.
Finally, and to my great relief, Mr. Cunningham got up to leave. But what happened next is nothing short of breathtaking. I am still trying to make sense of it several days later. As he started toward the door, Cunningham looked me in the eye and then – he snubbed me! That's right, you heard me, dear readers. This son of a bitch, public radio disc jockey (and that's exactly what he is) had the audacity to snub the Dean of Pittsburgh journalists.
I expect a heart-felt apology from Mr. Cunningham because Western Pennsylvania is unaccustomed to its Dean being treated in this manner.
MAYOR REACHES COMPROMISE WITH F.O.P. REGARDING PROMOTIONS OF OFFICERS WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE RECORDS
New Policy states that any officer charged with domestic abuse cannot be promoted unless evidence reveals that wife was “just asking for it.”
SHOCKING PHOTO FROM LAST WEEK'S SINEAD O'CONNOR RIVERSIDE CONCERT
WHEN THE MAJESTIC BLEW ITS WHISTLE BEHIND THE STAGE, THE CONTROVERSIAL IRISH SINGER ANGRILY RIPPED UP A PHOTOGRAPH OF GATEWAY CLIPPER FLEET FOUNDER JOHN CONNELLY
MAYOR WANTS OFFICERS TO ATTEND ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES
FOP WANTS MAYOR TO ATTEND CITY MANAGEMENT CLASSES
RAVENSTAHL PROPOSES SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS PLACED HIGH ABOVE GROUND TO CAPTURE 'MAJOR CLEAVAGE'
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl said he wants cameras pointed at PPG Place, Mellon Square and other highly populated gathering places in Golden Triangle. The mayor and members of his Washington and Jefferson College fraternity made the selection of sites based on "where the hot babes hang out." He noted that the placement of the cameras on high poles "would, like, totally make it easy to catch some major cleavage."
GIULIANI ANGRILY CRITICIZES MAYOR FOR RUINING HIS PIZZA IN THE STRIP DISTRICT
FORMER NYC MAYOR AND GOP PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL RUDY GIULIANI HAD HARSH WORDS ABOUT MAYOR'S INTRUSION DURING HIS LUNCH
“It was beautiful, it was fresh. It was the greatest piece of pizza I ever had, and I had 'em all over the world! And then Luke Ravenstahl comes along with his Beaver Cleaver voice and schoolboy charm. And my waitress runs off with my plate before I’m finished. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous! So I told him to get the hell out of here! And if that punk tries any rough stuff, you tell him I ain't no city department head! Yeah, I heard that story.”
MAYOR NAMES IKE TURNER AS POLICE COMMANDER; DEFERS DECISION ON O.J. HIRING UNTIL AFTER ELECTION
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced this morning that legendary rock and roll guitarist Ike Turner has been named the city’s newest police commander. Mr. Turner is the former husband of the singer Tina Turner. “I know that Ike will do a great job in his new position,” said the Mayor. “Throughout his life, Ike has demonstrated a calm demeanor, an even temperament, and the ability to solve problems using creative, non-violent solutions.” The Mayor said he hoped the appointment of Mr. Turner would satisfy critics who complained last week following the promotions of three Pittsburgh police officers accused of domestic abuse. Ravenstahl denied that the Turner promotion was a hastily arranged move designed to placate his critics. “I have heard the voices of those citizens serving on the Review Board, and I have taken what I feel is appropriate action to assuage their concerns.”
In another, unrelated matter, Ravenstahl said he was deferring a final decision on the hiring of former NFL running back O.J. Simpson as a conflict mediation specialist until after the general election in November. “The demands of the campaign prevent me from giving Mr. Simpson’s application the kind of thorough review I usually give these matters,” said Ravenstahl. “I’ll have to take a long look at O.J.’s resume, as well as his body of work, before I make my decision.”
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