OUR THREE CRITICS REVIEW 'JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT'
REVIEW BY GAY THEATER CRITIC PEREZ MARRIOTT - The Pittsburgh Musical Theatre's "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" at the Byham through February 3 offers two exquisite must-see features: (1) the fabulous dreamcoat itself which literally caused me to gasp aloud, and (2) David Toole, the college boy lead who plays much of the show shirtless, who literally caused me to gasp aloud. My Post-Gazette colleague Christopher Rawson wrote that young Mr. Toole "is an appealing Joseph, with a physique that got lots of appreciative squeals." That was me squealing, Mr. Rawson. In fact, I'm squealing every time I look at his picture. Eeeeeee! I really can't tell you what happened in the show because I was distracted for prolonged periods of time wondering if David's last name is apt. (David, contact me through Carbolic Smoke Ball -- I'd like to give you some, ah, pointers about your performance. Tee hee hee!)REVIEW BY EX-DUKE LACROSSE STRIPPER CRYSTAL GAIL MANGUM - I went to see this show because of its historical importance. It tells the story of the first reported case of a rape allegation. The wife of Potiphar, a wealthy Egyptian, seduces white boy Joseph, who rebuffs her, so of course she accuses him of sexual assault. Good for you, Mrs. Potiphar! Everyone believes Mrs. Potiphar, as is only proper since Joseph is a white male, so he's thrown in prison, as is only proper, too. Mrs. Potiphar is never charged for filing a false rape claim, and that, too, is only proper. The white boy got what he deserved, of course, for reasons far too numerous to chronicle here. But that's all I can say about the show. I may not be the best one to review it since it features so many white boys, and I literally can't tell one apart from the rest. I'd be terrible if I had to pick one of them out of a line-up. Oh, disregard that last statement.
REVIEW BY LEGENDARY FORMER PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY CONDUCTOR FRITZ REINER - What is theeese?! Theese is not music! Theeese is an abomination! [Here Mr. Reiner hurled the computer keyboard at a wall.]
EVEN KKK VOTED FOR OBAMA IN SOUTH CAROLINA
Grand Dragon Chester Bisby spoke for the KKK of South Carolina: "There was no way we could vote for the wife of 'the first black president.' And as for Obama, well, he's really not that black."
ROETHLISBERGER CALLS FOR 'TALL RECEIVER'; WARD CALLS FOR 'SHORT QUARTERBACK'
Roethlisberger said he meant no offense by his comments about wanting a "tall receiver." He also said his comments about wanting offensive linemen who weren't overweight and could block, and a running back that didn't bounce back off the line of scrimmage, were taken "out of context."Steelers receiver Hines Ward called for the team to draft "a shorter quarterback" to better work with the team's receivers. Noting that the "freakishly tall" Rothlisberger has no trouble shaking off tacklers like insects but that he has "trouble throwing to normal sized humans," Ward said that teams with "normal-sized" quarterbacks, like Indianapolis and New England, have more options in the red zone. "You don't hear them saying, 'slant to tiny across the middle,'" Ward explained.
ATTENDANCE DOWN AT PIRATEFEST THIS YEAR
Team announces plans for fireworks, bobblehead days at next year's event
OUTCRY OVER REDESIGNED TRAFFIC SIGN
Men's rights advocate asks, "Why do traffic signs always depict the male as the one holding the gun?"
RODRIGUEZ SAYS HE LEFT WVU BECAUSE UNIVERSITY RENEGED ON VERBAL AGREEMENTS
Coach claims he was promised more money for his assistants, MBAs for all of his family members
RAMBO GOES TO CAPITOL HILL; COMMITTEE HEARS TESTIMONY ON STEROID ABUSE IN ACTION HERO INDUSTRY
WASHINGTON, D.C. - John Rambo, veteran of three Hollywood films and two tours of duty in the Vietnam War, testified before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee today on the problem of steroids in the action hero industry. Because the Chairman felt his testimony was so important, the standard dress code was suspended. Mr. Rambo appeared before the Committee without a shirt. He wore only a bandanna and camouflage pants. He spoke for over four hours, delivering his monosyllabic answers in a low, guttural voice that seethed with rage. The atmosphere inside the hearing room was tense. Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland) scolded the musclebound loner, telling him “the American people have the right to know their action heroes are clean.” He went on to condemn what he called the abuse of performance enhancing stimulants by people who defeat entire armies by themselves, using only the weapons they can carry and the wits they have been given by God, and, in the process, sustaining only minor injuries, if any. “This defies belief.” He cited a current example. “Did you see what John McClane did in Live Free or Die Hard? He never would have been able to do those things in Die Hard: With a Vengeance [the sequel to Die Hard].”
Representative Cummings went on to say he suspects many older, white males looking to prolong their careers in the vigilante business may be tempted to take human growth hormone, or other banned substances. “We have a duty to see this type of thing doesn’t happen.”
CARBOLIC EXCLUSIVE PHOTO
Minority Leader John Boehner and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson look on as House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduces the new bipartisan stimulus package
LOCAL MYSTIC HAS VISION OF HELL, INHABITANTS ARE ALL MALE
N.O.W. OPPOSES QUOTAS FOR WOMEN
Local mystic Noah Swayne experienced a “consciousness of a transcendent order” last night when he had a vivid and terrifying vision of hell. Swayne said that the most surprising aspect of the vision was that all the inhabitants of hell are male.
"Countless men, for as far as the eye could see, young men, old men, all writhing in pain and wailing,” said Swayne. “I asked them why they were there, and their answer surprised me, but then again it didn't: masturbation.”
Swayne said that one of hell’s gatekeepers confided that “there’s something wrong with the system" because of the gender disparity, and that hell's "‘powers that be’ are trying to get the Catholic Church, which sets the rules, to ease up on the self-gratification thing.”
The gatekeeper explained that hell is launching affirmative action programs to attract women, but that the National Organization for Women "is strictly opposed" to quotas.
PRESIDENT IMPOSES TWENTY-FOUR HOUR BAN ON SPEARS COVERAGE; ASKS NATION TO FOCUS ON LIFE, DEATH OF ALLAN MELVIN
Washington , D.C. - President Bush has designated this Friday as a day of mourning to celebrate the life of noted character actor Allan Melvin. Mr. Melvin, whom President Bush dubbed a “national treasure” while presenting him with a Kennedy Center Lifetime Achievement Award earlier this year, died at his Brentwood, California home last Saturday.
Mr. Melvin achieved international stardom for originating the roles of Barney Hefner, Sergeant Hacker, and Sam the Butcher. Mr. Melvin’s body will lie in state in the Smithsonian Institution’s Museum of Popular Culture for twenty-four hours beginning Thursday morning. The White House press office also announced that the President has invoked a seldom-used power provided by the Omnibus Celebrity Act of 1978 that allows the executive branch to impose strict bans on media coverage of celebrities at the discretion of the president.
“In the wake of Mr. Melvin’s untimely passing, I am ordering MTV, the E Channel, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and the Hollywood Insider to cease and desist publication, broadcast, or dissemination of any information regarding Brittney Spears, or, to a lesser extent, her fertile younger sister Jaime Lynne, for a period of twenty-four hours beginning at 12:01 a.m. Friday, so that the American people can give maximum attention to the memory of Allan Melvin.”
Attorneys for the aforementioned entertainment outlets filed an emergency appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court asking for review, but late yesterday Chief Justice Roberts issued an order denying their request.
FEDERAL RESERVE OVERREACTS AND CUTS INTEREST RATES TO NEGATIVE 3.5%
Chairman Ben Bernake says his latest action will pay people to borrow money. Bernake rejected the idea of “12 months same as cash” as too conservative. “All money must go!” he said. “No reasonable offer will be refused!”
THIS MAN SAYS HE WILL CROSS THE PICKET LINE AND ATTEND THE OSCARS . . .
. . . and nobody better try to stop him.
ALIEN v. PREDATOR TOPS OSCAR BIDS; MONSTERS SAY THEY WILL APPEAR ON RED CARPET PRIOR TO CEREMONY
BEVERLY HILLS, California - Alien V. Predator: Requiem, the heartwarming, feel-good hit of the holiday season featuring two of Hollywood ’s best-loved homicidal creatures, received seven Academy Award nominations, including one for best picture. The announcements were made yesterday by actress Kathy Bates and the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Sid Ganis.
Both Alien and Predator were nominated for individual performances in the best actress and best actor category. The film also received nominations for best screenplay, best supporting actress (Dame Judi Dench), best original score (Philip Glass) and best director (Sir David Lean).
Reached at his Devonshire estate, where he is recovering from wounds sustained during the making of the film, Sir David was generous with praise for his two stars. “Both Alien and Predator are true professionals. They’re prepared. They’re on time. They do the work. They hit their spots every time. They remind me a lot of Spencer Tracy.”
Through their publicists, both Alien and Predator said they did not plan to honor the Screen Actors Guild request to boycott the so-called “red carpet” entrance to the auditorium where the show will be held. A spokesman for Alien said the monster would slaughter and devour the entire Screen Actors Guild if they attempted to revoke her membership.
This is the first nomination for Predator. This is the second nomination for Alien, who was nominated in 1980 for her work in Robert Benton’s heart-wrenching tale of divorce and single parenthood, Alien v. Alien.
ONORATO WASTING AWAY, RESTAURANTS REFUSE TO SERVE HIM
Restaurants and bars have banded together to refuse to serve Dan Onorato because they blame him for the drink tax. Grocers and private citizens are honoring the boycott.
Onorato was spotted in back of a posh downtown steak house last night, rummaging through the trash for scraps.
Insiders say the gaunt County Executive could starve to death if the trend continues.
Onorato can’t understand the opposition to the tax. “Sure, at first people don’t like it, but it’s the only tax where the more people pay, the less they care.”
Onorato was spotted in back of a posh downtown steak house last night, rummaging through the trash for scraps.
Insiders say the gaunt County Executive could starve to death if the trend continues.
Onorato can’t understand the opposition to the tax. “Sure, at first people don’t like it, but it’s the only tax where the more people pay, the less they care.”
NAZI CAMP GUARD APPEALS LOSS OF U.S. CITIZENSHIP; CLAIMS HE “KNOWS NOTHING” ABOUT WAR-TIME ATROCITIES
SHARON, Pa. - Hans Georg Schultz, who has worked as a roads inspector for PennDot since immigrating to Pennsylvania from Germany in 1956, is appealing an order stripping him of his citizenship for being a Nazi prison camp guard. The Third U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals will hear the case on March 3rd. Mr. Schultz, who held the rank of Sergeant, is accused of participating in “acts of barbarism expressly prohibited by the Geneva Convention” during his time as second in command of Stalag Thirteen. “I know nothing about acts of barbarism,” said Mr. Schultz, before repeating the word ‘nothing’ in a loud voice for emphasis. He hastened to add that he knew nothing about Nazism, Adolph Hitler, Stalag Thirteen, or the highest ranking American officer held in the camp, Colonel Robert Hogan.
“I only know I have spent my entire life working to ensure that the people of this Commonwealth enjoy the finest roads in the nation.” However, Mr. Schultz declared that he “knew nothing” about potholes, the length of time needed to complete the Mon-Fayette Expressway, or the feasibility of tolling Interstate Eighty.
A spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office involved in the prosecution of Mr. Schultz described the government’s case as airtight. “We have eyewitnesses who said they saw him beat a British POW named Newkirk to death with a shovel.” The spokesman expressed confidence that as soon as the prosecutors could get Schultz in a room with one of LeBeau’s homemade apple strudel, he would confess to everything.
BRADY STAYS COOL UNDER PRESSURE
Patriot’s quarterback keeps straight face as he calls the Giants “a big challenge for our team.”
RETAILERS HOPE MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. DAY SALES PUT THEM IN THE BLACK
"I have a dream you’ll save some bread, man.”
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: ANTHEM FOR CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT RESULTED FROM ERROR IN TRANSCRIPTION
In 1962, singer and activist Joan Baez invited Dr. Martin Luther King and his wife to dinner. Dr. King telephoned Baez to accept and spoke with her secretary. "Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over," Dr. King said. But the secretary erroneously scribbled, "Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome," and the rest is history.
BUSH IS ASKED IF HE FAVORS GROWTH STIMULUS PACKAGE
"Well, yes," said the President after pondering the question. "I suppose stimulus to the package will cause growth."
HAMILTON BURGER RETAINED TO REPRESENT WASHINGTON GENERALS IN SUIT AGAINST HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS
Perry Mason's nemesis assures team members they have "open and shut case" of reverse discrimination against always-victorious Globetrotters
RESTAURANT OWNER JIM MITCHELL CALLS OFF BOXING MATCH WITH ONORATO
Governor Rendell asks Mitchell if he'd care to take him on in hot dog eating contest.
VIETNAM RETURNS REMAINS OF GOMER PYLE, SERGEANT CARTER; MARINES HAD BEEN LISTED AS MISSING IN ACTION SINCE 1969
HANOI - Representatives of the government of Vietnam handed over the remains of two U.S. servicemen to officials at the American embassy in a somber ceremony yesterday morning. Both men, members of the U.S. Marine Corps, had been listed as missing in action since 1969. The marines, identified as Private Gomer Pyle, of Mayberry, North Carolina, and his commanding officer, Sergeant Vince Carter of Long Island, were being held captive in the infamous North Vietnamese prison known as the Hanoi Hilton before abruptly disappearing from the records of the international Red Cross. It was believed for many years that both men were killed while trying to escape. However, recently declassified North Vietnamese army records indicate that both men were executed by their captors.
Senator John McCain, who shared a prison cell with Pyle and Carter, said he always suspected his comrades were murdered. “Gomer had the most annoying speaking voice, but when he sang, he sounded like he belonged with the Metropolitan Opera. None of us could ever figure it out.” McCain added that Pyle’s relentless optimism must have driven his North Vietnamese captors crazy with rage. “One time he broke out of the bamboo cage where we were kept, and he stood and waited for the guards to return. When he saw them, he flashed that goofy smile, and shouted ‘surprise, surprise, surprise!’ They just beat the hell out of him.”
The remains of both men will be buried with full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery .
Male presidential impressionists hold summit on "crisis" of Hillary presidency
CAMP DAVID, Md. - Presidential celebrity impressionists Vaughn Meader, David Frye, Rich Little and Frank Caliendo met at Camp David yesterday to discuss the "pending crisis" to their acts if Hillary Clinton is elected the first female president in U.S. history.
The men agreed that if Mrs. Clinton is elected, they will not attempt to imitate her voice. "I know a farmer who has a device that could make us talk like her," said Rich Little, puffing a cigar and doing his best George Burns. "But it would hurt like hell."
Vaughn Meader, who skyrocketed to fame in the early 1960s imitating President John F. Kennedy, told the group that Clinton's election "will do to all of you what Lee Harvey Oswald did to me." Oswald's assassination of President Kennedy sent Meader's career into a downward spiral from which he's never recovered. "Make no mistake: Oswald splattered Vaughn Meader's brains all over Dealy Plaza on November 22, 1963."
The room grew uncomfortable until Frank Caliendo stood up as John Madden. "Well, I know one thing. You can't imitate the president if you can't imitate the president," he said emphatically. "More important, you're not a woman if you're not a woman. And if Hillary is president, she'll be a woman president, but we won't."
David Frye, best known for his imitation of Richard Nixon, said he feared that his audience might feel cheated if he can't imitate the president. "People have a right to know if David Frye is a crook," he said. "Well, I'm not a crook," he said defiantly. A strange smile shot across his face, and he raised his arms in the air, flashing a "V" for victory with both hands.
The meeting adjourned with the men agreeing that they need to campaign vigorously for each of the male candidates. They also agreed not to rule out castration.
FIRST PHOTOS OF MERCURY IN 30 YEARS REVEAL 'MOOK' PAINTED ON SURFACE
NASA's MESSENGER probe beamed home the first photographs of the surface of the planet Mercury in more than three decades today, and the images gave astronomers a jolt. Giant neon red letters spelling the word "Mook" were discovered painted across a 200-foot wide span of the planet's surface.
News of the find prompted Pittsburgh police to arrest Michael Monack, 24, the South Side graffiti writer known as "Mook." Monack became notorious in 2001 after he taunted city workers by placing his tag in hard-to-reach public places. It is believed that Mercury represents the hardest-to-reach of the public places Monack has tagged.
Police have charged Monack with criminal mischief and defacing a planet.
OBAMA, CITING VOTERS DESIRE FOR CHANGE, SAYS HE WILL ABOLISH CONGRESS, INSTALL HIMSELF AS SUPREME LEADER
RENO - Senator Barack Obama told a group of prospective voters in the Nevada primary today that if he is elected president, he will abolish Congress immediately and install himself as Supreme Leader. He also said he would “rule with an iron fist,” and that he would “punish without pity, or mercy, all who dared oppose him.” He vowed to “extract a terrible vengeance on anyone who tried to thwart his attempt to impose the will of the people.” Senator Obama made those remarks while answering a voters question about his willingness to be a candidate for change. “The American people are tired of the same old Washington,” he said. “After two hundred and thirty-some years of the same, boring government, things are bound to get stale.”
The Senator added that in meetings with ordinary citizens along the campaign trail, he has found that a majority of people are also tired of the Congress, the Supreme Court, numerous Federal regulatory agencies, and most of the Constitution. “That’s why I am pledging to abolish all of these institutions during my first one hundred minutes in office.”
Opponents of Senator Obama in the race for the Democratic nomination were quick to add that they didn’t think the Senator went far enough in outlining his plans for change. “I would not only imprison the members of the Supreme Court, but I would execute them as well,” said Senator Hilary Clinton. Senator John Edwards said he supported the Clinton plan, but added that he would go further. He said he would present his own views at a news conference tomorrow.
LEGENDARY PHYS ED TEACHER MR. KOWALSKI TAPPED TO ENFORCE LAW REQUIRING VULGAR TRUCK TESTICLES TO WEAR JOCKS
Virginia State lawmakers have retained Ben Kowalski, a/k/a Mr. Kowalski, longtime phys ed teacher at Thomas Jefferson High School in Alexandria, to enforce Virginia's new law requiring that the vulgar faux bull testicles that hang from countless trailer hitches of pickups trolling the state's highways wear athletic supporters. The law was designed to shield children from witnessing indecent vehicular ornamentation. Animals are still permitted to wander about with their genitalia exposed.
Sporting the same crew cut he has worn for 55 years, Mr. Kowalski went straight to work on a group of truckers whose hitches displayed the dangling vulgarities at the Flying J truck stop ten miles north of Mount Vernon.
"Alright, men," he shouted, "gather 'round. When I'm talking, you are not, or you will give me 50 laps around this parking lot."
The men looked at each other in disbelief.
"I am Mr. Kowalski," he continued at the top of his lungs, oblivious to their reaction. "What I say goes. You will shower after every shift, and your trucks will wear jocks from now on. Without a jock, your rigs will not be permitted in my gym, or on the roads of the State of Virginia."
The truckers looked at each other and snickered.
"Now get down and give my 25," he barked. The truckers turned away and resumed the discussion they were having before the legendary teacher arrived. The trademark vein in Mr. Kowalski's neck appeared ready to burst.
"That's detention for the whole group," he yelled. He turned abruptly and stormed away, giving a good kick to Elmer Swayne's fake bull testicles for good measure. All the men cringed.
Swayne, 31, later told a reporter that he and his colleagues meant no disrespect to Mr. Kowalski, but he defended his coarse truck ornament as "a manly expression of rural chic." Swayne asked a reporter to insure his next quote was taken down verbatim: "The solution to free speech we don't like is more free speech, and from that cacophony of chatter in the marketplace of ideas, the truth will make itself heard. Did you get that?"
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