WECHT PLEA DEAL IS IN THE WORKS: WECHT TO WALK, WECHT'S EGO TO GET 2-4 YEARS
"No matter which correctional facility we send it to, it will cause prison overcrowding." -- Mary Beth Buchanan, U.S. Attorney
ROMNEY TERMINATES PRESIDENTIAL BID, SELF
"I know why you cry," the candidate told supporters, "but it is something I can never do."
PIRATES SECRETLY DIG ESCAPE TUNNEL UNDER ALLEGHENY RIVER
Several Pittsburgh Pirates are using a 500-ton boring machine to secretly dig a tunnel beneath the Allegheny River that will run from PNC Park to downtown.“It’s our only way out,” one of the players explained. “Our goal is to be over in Gateway Center before Mr. Nutting even has a chance to blow the siren and release the dogs.”
Last week the tunnel builders were shocked to find that their giant boring machine was missing. Mayor Ravensahl had borrowed it to take some friends to a Toby Keith concert.
PRYOR MAKES DECISION, WILL ENTER TRAPPIST MONASTERY; TOP PREP SCHOOL ATHLETE SAYS OPPORTUNITY FOR PRAYER, PENANCE DECIDING FACTOR
PITTSBURGH - After months of speculation, Jeanette quarterback Terrelle Pryor finally announced yesterday where he will go following his graduation from high school this spring. Pryor emerged from an eighth period study hall and told reporters he will enter a religious order known as the Cistercians, or Trappist community.
"I'm going to The Abbey of Gethsemani in Bardstown, Kentucky." A representative for the Pryor family said rumors that Pryor was having a hard time choosing between Ohio State and Michigan were untrue. "It was always between the Trappists and Buddhists. In the end, Terrelle just thought the Trappists were a better fit." Pryor is expected to be able to lead a life of both prayer and penance at his new home.
Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez, who began recruiting Pryor when he was still the head coach at West Virginia University, expressed surprise at Pryor's announcement. "I know that Terrelle is perfect for the contemplative lifestyle they run at Gethsemani, but I don't know if they're the right program to get him to the next level." Rodriguez said he thought that Michigan had the inside track, but that the Trappists "came at [Pryor] hard" over the past six weeks. "When they go after a kid, they make a lot of promises." He declined to specify exactly what those promises might entail, but it is believed they involve the communion of Saints, a seat at the right hand of the Father, and eternal life. "All I can do is get him to the NFL."
AMA DECLARES MALENESS A DISEASE
The American Medical Association has declared maleness a primary, chronic pathological disorder because it is an impairment of the normal state of otherwise healthy organisms. "As such, the condition known as maleness warrants federally subsidized tax funding for its eradication," concludes an AMA position paper.The AMA study was sponsored by the National Organization for Women.
POPE LISTED AS “DOUBTFUL” FOR ASH WEDNESDAY; HIGH ANKLE SPRAIN COULD SIDELINE PONTIFF FOR ENTIRE LENTEN SEASON
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican issued a press release yesterday listing Pope Benedict XVI as “doubtful” for today's Ash Wednesday services. Ash Wednesday is the traditional start of the Lenten Season for millions of Roman Catholics around the world. According to front office sources, the Pope sustained a high ankle sprain while distributing communion during Mass last Sunday. Witnesses in the communion line said it appeared the Pope was in severe pain, and had to be helped from the altar by several concelebrants and Church trainers. He was transported through the sacristy on a cart. An MRI performed shortly afterward revealed the nature of the injury. The Holy Father was seen by reporters walking around Vatican offices the past several days wearing a boot-cast. He waved off members of the media who pressed towards him looking for a comment.
The Pope’s status for the upcoming Lenten season would appear to be in jeopardy. A high-ankle sprain can take between eight and ten weeks to heal. An anonymous source within the Holy See said “we’re hopeful he’s going to be back by Pentecost, but it’s more likely he’s going to be out until the Ascension.”
If Benedict XVI is unable to go next Wednesday, the task of leading the faithful would fall to the second-string, or back-up Pope. A back-up Pope hasn’t been called upon since the 1303-1304 Lenten season, when the league had a branch office in Avignon, France.
2008 COMMEMORATIVE MARDI GRAS ARTWORK: 'PEEING ON BOURBON STREET'
Relive the glorious Mardi Gras season with this limited edition print by famed New Orleans painter Noah Swayne, "Peeing on Bourbon Street." This delightful depiction of three boys publicly urinating can be yours for just $199, This is the companion piece to last year's acclaimed "Peeing on Canal Street," all part of the "Peeing in the Big Easy" series.
Police: Teen taunted Punxsutawney Phil
A police investigation has determined that a 17-year-old boy taunted beloved groundhog prognosticator Punxsutawney, who was killed by police gunfire Saturday seconds after lunging at the boy during the annual Groundhog Day celebration.Police say that Punxsutawney High School senior Chad Hermann provoked the attack by taunting the iconic rodent about his record of inaccurately predicting the arrival of spring.
General Hospital actress Shell Kepler dies
Popular actress collapsed, was rushed into surgery on the set -- but the actor-physician on duty had no idea how to treat her
Van der Sloot: No sleep lost over Princess Di, either
ORANJESTAD, Aruba - A Dutch crime reporter who secretly videotaped Joran van der Sloot goaded him into admitting that he "didn't lose a minute of sleep" knowing that Natalee Holloway had died in his arms."I decided to prove in the court of public opinion what kind of person Joran is, so I devised a series of tests which I put to him," said reporter Patrick van der Eem. First, Van der Eem got him to casually admit that Princess Di's death meant nothing at all to him.
Mahatma Gandhi's assassination? "No sleep lost whatsoever," van der Sloot volunteered on videotape. "The same goes for the Japanese internment in America during World War II and Hurricane Katrina," van der Sloot yawned.
Van der Eem also got him to brag that he "didn't care" about the Enron employees who lost their pensions, the subprime mortgage crisis or the Patriots' Super Bowl loss.
"I didn't lose a minute of sleep over any of it, not a single minute," van der Sloot said.
Van der Eem believes the admissions are proof enough about van der Sloot's character. "Can you imagine how dead your soul must be to have no feeling about the Patriots' loss?"
MEDIA OUTLETS INSIST SUPER TUESDAY COVERAGE WILL BE UNBIASED & OBJECTIVE
“We just call ‘em as we see ‘em,” an MSNBC spokesperson said.
WECHT TRIAL: CADAVER USED FOR PINATA AT CORONERS OFFICE FAMILY PICNIC
PITTSBURGH -The first day of the second week of the public corruption trial of famed forensic pathologist Cyril Wecht focused on the grotesque testimony of a former top aide to the accused. According to former deputy coroner Dave Corbett, the body of an unidentified man was stuffed with candy and used as a piñata by sugar-crazed children at the Coroner’s Office Family Picnic on orders of Dr Wecht.
Corbett told jurors that when he objected to the macabre spectacle, on the grounds he felt it was in poor taste, Dr. Wecht laughed. Corbett said Dr. Wecht told him “that will be for the kids to decide.”
GIRL SCOUTS APPLY FOR LIQUOR LICENSE, PLAN TO PEDDLE APÉRITIF WITH COOKIES
TROOP LEADERS PROMISE LIQUOR CONTROL BOARD THEY'LL LAUNCH REGULAR AA MEETINGS TO COMBAT EXPECTED ABUSE AMONG TROOP MEMBERS
SALLY WIGGIN APOLOGIZES FOR WARDROBE MALFUNCTION DURING SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW
SCOTTSDALE - WTAE anchor Sally Wiggin apologized “to anyone who was offended” when her right breast was exposed during the Super Bowl halftime show while she was performing a medley of songs with Tom Petty.During their rendition of "Roll Another Joint," when Petty and Wiggin reached the line "And you don't know how it feels, You don't know how it feels," Petty pulled off a part of Wiggin's costume, revealing her right breast adorned with a large, sun-shaped nipple shield, a piece of jewelry worn to accentuate the appearance of a nipple piercing.
A spokesperson for the local FOX affiliate FOX 53 said it is believed to be the first time that a local female television personality has exposed herself during a Superbowl halftime show to a national audience.
FOX officials had no comment about the incident, but industry insiders said the buzz from the incident helped propel the second half of the Super Bowl to its highest television ratings ever, topping even last year's ratings following the halftime show in which Meadville’s Sharon Stone reprised her famous scene from the film Basic Instinct. That episode prompted then Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to issue a directive making underwear mandatory for all on-air talent involved with NFL broadcasts.
Ms. Wiggin issued this statement last night: “The decision to have a costume reveal at the conclusion of the show was entirely my decision. WTAE and the NFL were completely unaware of it.” WTAE News Director Bob Longo said he was “satisfied with Sally’s explanation,” adding that “the drama and intensity surrounding a Super Bowl can, at times, be so overwhelming that even the most circumspect individuals may find themselves doing things they wouldn’t ordinarily do.” FCC Chairman Kevin Martin has promised a full investigation.
TED WILLIAMS' HEAD ENDORSES MCCAIN; SPLENDID SPLINTER’S SKULL SAYS REST OF REPUBLICAN FIELD LEAVES HIM COLD
SCOTTSDALE, Arizona - The head of Ted Williams endorsed Senator John McCain’s quest to win the Republican nomination for president yesterday. Mr. Williams' head made the announcement at a press conference inside the Alcor Life Extension facility in Scottsdale where he has resided since his death on July 5, 2002. He was flanked by Senator McCain and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was the first public appearance for the Hall-of-Famer’s head since his short-lived stint as a contestant on the first season of ABC’s ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ The legendary, irascible Williams’ head didn’t disappoint. Peppering his speech with a string of profanities, the "Cryogenic Kid" provided a host of reasons why he was supporting the McCain candidacy, including his service as Marine pilot, as well as his record representing the people of Arizona in the Senate.
“I don’t normally get involved in politics,” he said. “But Senator McCain is my kind of guy.” He angrily replied to assertions made by a reporter that prolonged exposure to liquid nitrogen in the tank where he spends most of his time may be affecting his judgment. “That’s nothing but a [obscenity deleted] [obscenity-deleted] load of [obscenity deleted], you filthy [obscenity deleted] [obscenity deleted]! The reporter, Helen Thomas of UPI, said it was the first time in her long, storied career that she was cursed by a disembodied skull. “But that’s why I love covering politics. You’re constantly surprised.”
LATE CHALLENGE FLAG
New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has challenged the New York Giants' upset Super Bowl victory citing "too many points on the board."
VAN CLIBURN BREAKS SILENCE, IS 'DAMN PISSED' THAT SUPER BOWL HALF-TIME SHOW BYPASSED HIM FOR 42nd TIME
"IF [SOVIET] PREMIERE KHRUSHCEV WERE ALIVE," SAYS ARTIST, "I KID YOU NOT, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME GYRATING IN TOM PETTY'S PLACE."FORT WORTH - Famed classical pianist Van Cliburn broke his silence today about being bypassed for the 42nd time to perform at the Super Bowl half-time show. Cliburn, who shot to international stardom in 1958 after winning the International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition in Moscow, denounced the Super Bowl selection process as corrupt. "Premier Khrushchev, were he alive, would have insisted that I be the featured performer," Cliburn said. "At best, Mr. Tom Petty would have been my back-up, I am certain."
TERRELLE PRYOR MAKES HIS DECISION: "I'M GOING TO THE PATRIOTS"
Jeannette High star says his game and his hype are too big for college, will go straight to the pros and join "other guys who are almost as perfect as me"
HILLARY MAKES BOLD DECISION TO SALVAGE CANDIDACY
Appears on 60 Minutes to discuss her husband's affair with Gennifer Flowers
DEPUTY CORONER: FAILURE TO PERFORM 'WECHT DETAILS' RESULTED IN PUNISHMENT
PITTSBURGH - Tiffani Hunt, a former deputy coroner, testified at Cyril Wecht's criminal trial that Coroner's Office employees were often called upon to perform what they called "Wecht details," personal errands for Dr. Wecht and his family. She elaborated that if employees failed to run errands for their boss, they would be punished. "Minor infractions would result in waterboarding, thumbscrews, crucifixion, the works,"said Hunt. Under cross examination, Hunt testified that orders to attach electrodes to co-workers testicles caused her to switch positions from Deputy Coroner to fry cook at Arbys.
BARON VON WECHT, FRITZ, TESTIFY IN WECHT CORRUPTION TRIAL
PITTSBURGH - The father and top aide of Dr. Cyril Wecht took the stand in the public corruption trial of the famed forensic scientist yesterday, and the testimony provided by both men was potentially devastating for the defense.Baron Von Wecht, the monocle-wearing patriarch of the Wecht family, said he taught his son that bearing the Wecht name meant never having to “subject ones self” to the ordinary tasks of everyday life. “See here, young man,” the Baron scolded Assistant U.S. Attorney Stephen Stallings in a voice dripping with contempt. “My son shouldn’t have to bother with picking up laundry and tickets to the theater. Attention to trivial matters such as these only serves to keep him from his true purpose in this world: THE REGENERATION OF LIFE!”
After this outburst, Judge Schwab called a recess. When the trial resumed, Dr. Wecht’s long-time assistant, Fritz, took the stand. Mr. Fritz told the Court he often found himself working late hours in the county lab on a special project.
“Dr. Wecht was trying to create a man in his own image,” he said. Mr. Fritz said he was fired by Dr. Wecht when he accidentally dropped a glass jar containing a good brain and replaced it with a glass jar containing a bad brain. “My eyes, they aren’t so good. I figured what’s the difference, a brain’s a brain, right?” After Mr. Fritz left the stand, the prosecutor told the jury that “attempting to create a human life from assembled body parts on county time” was an affront to taxpayers and an abuse of public trust. The trial resumes Monday.
WOMAN BUILDS TUNNEL IN BEDROOM TO SLOW DOWN PITTSBURGH HUBBY
Carol Murray is hoping it’s true that Pittsburghers instinctively slow down in tunnels because she’s built one in her bedroom for her husband.“I also erected a sign, ‘Do not maintain speeds,’” she smirked.
SURPRISE WITNESS AT WECHT TRIAL: THE ALIEN FROM 'ALIEN AUTOPSY'
PITTSBURGH - The alien from the Fox Network's old "Alien Autopsy" show, which featured expert commentary by Dr. Cyril Wecht, made a surprise appearance at the Wecht trial this afternoon to testify for the prosecution. Through a translator, the alien explained that Wecht wrote threatening letters to TriFlugor-Rydny, the Imperial Ruler of his home planet, Planet Xenon, accusing him of anti-Semitism after Xenon failed to pay Wecht's invoice stemming from Wecht's work on the "Alien Autopsy" show.
Court watchers were stunned to see the Alien in court, since Planet Xenon is approximately 110 light years from earth.
Countdown: For Men -- If you saw an unattended child crying, what would you do?
10. Approach child to help, call Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen to turn self in9. Assume the kid deserved it
8. Locate child’s mother, be prepared to pay child support
7. Give child real reason to cry: Pirates season tickets
6. Assure child things could be worse: "Britney Spears could be your mom”
5. Distract child with news that Dick Cheney jumped into presidential race
4. Find hot woman to help
3. Offer to remove child from Pittsburgh Public Schools
2. Buy the kid something to shut him up, just like his parents would
1. Remind him that he’s the mayor
DR. PHIL TO MEDIATE DISAGREEMENT BETWEEN ROETHLISBERGER, WARD; QUARTERBACK, WIDE RECEIVER WILL RESOLVE DIFFERENCES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
HOLLYWOOD , California - Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward will attempt to “clear the air” between them in a prime-time television special hosted by Dr. Phil. The special will air on CBS next Wednesday. The two teammates have engaged in a public spat ever since the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette published an interview with Roethlisberger following the conclusion of the Steelers season in which Big Ben put a “tall receiver” on his wish list for next season.
“I believe if I can get Ben and Hines to sit down and talk this thing out, with myself acting as an objective mediator, we can begin the process of healing,” said Dr. Phil. He added that he feels a great deal of pressure to ease the tension between both men because of their importance to the nation. “As long as the status of the relationship between the Steelers franchise quarterback and their Super Bowl MVP remains in doubt, our fragile national psyche remains at risk.”
Economists are divided over whether or not Dr. Phil’s intervention will be enough to keep America from plunging into depression, but Dr. Phil was adamant that he needed to try. He said he didn’t think it was a coincidence that only several days after Ward’s angry response to Roethlisberger’s remarks were made public, markets around the world tumbled. “The fortunes of this country are inexorably tied to the fortunes of the Steelers.”
PRESIDENT BUSH DENIES EATING TWEETY BIRD
WASHINGTON - Beloved cartoon icon Tweety Bird died this afternoon when President Bush devoured him in front of hundreds of reporters as he strolled to a waiting helicoptor.
At 2:32 p.m., Tweety Bird approached the president to shake his hand as he strolled on the south lawn of the White House. Bush suddenly grabbed the well-known yellow bird with his right hand and forced him into his mouth, leaving nothing but a puff of yellow feathers. Shocked onlookers reported that the little bird let out a yelp as the President chewed him. Tweety was killed instantly.
When questioned, spokeswoman Dana Perino explained, "Everybody's been telling the president that there's no way his approval numbers could go lower. He hates to be told he can't do something, so this was the result."
Clinton Bombshell: Obama Not Black After All
LOS ANGELES - Hillary Clinton held an impromptu news conference yesterday to announce that Barack Obama is not really African-American. "Senator Obama has deceived the American people, and the African-American community in particular," Mrs. Clinton said with tears streaming down her face.
The controversy started when hot studio lights at Tuesday night's debate appeared to melt dark theatrical makeup on Obama's face, which made his left ear to appear to be white.
"He's living a lie by allowing people to believe he could be our nation's second black president," sobbed Mrs. Clinton. "Of course, my husband Bill was the first."
WECHT TRIAL: PROSECUTION WITNESS RECANTS TESTIMONY
Star witness changes story after Wecht arrives in court accompanied by Frank Pentangeli's brother Vincenzo from Sicily
CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL ENDORSES ADLAI STEVENSON FOR PRESIDENT; LT. GOVERNOR SAYS COUNTRY CAN’T AFFORD FOUR MORE YEARS OF EISENHOWER
HARRISBURG - Only one week after Governor Ed Rendell endorsed New York Senator Hillary Clinton in the race for the Democratic nomination in this year’s presidential election, Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll threw the prestige of her office behind another candidate. Telling a crowd of reporters and voters assembled outside of her office “this country can no longer afford the do-nothing government of Dwight Eisenhower,” Lieutenant Governor Knoll said she was supporting Governor Adlai Stevenson in his bid for the White House. “He has done a fabulous job for the people of the state of Illinois , and he’ll do a fabulous job for the people of America,” said Knoll. Aides who at tended the press conference appeared surprised at her announcement. Several staff members took her arms and attempted to move her away from the microphone towards an exit, but she refused to budge. “I know many of you were expecting me to offer my support to [New York Governor Averell] Harriman, and there were a few things I liked about Festus, too [an apparent reference to Tennessee Senator Estes Kefauver] but after giving the matter due consideration, I’m sticking with Adlai.”
When a reporter shouted that Governor Stevenson died in 1965, a defiant Lieutenant Governor shouted back, “My mind is made up.” Late yesterday, Governor Rendell’s office issued a press release explaining that the Lieutenant Governor was being sent on a fact-finding mission to the South Pole and would not return until hours before her term expires.
CHARLIZE THERON TO FILM MOVIE IN PITTSBURGH; SEXY STARLET SAYS SHE’S LOOKING FORWARD TO INSULTING CITY
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Film Office announced that the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s novel “The Road,” starring Charlize Theron, will be partially filmed in Pittsburgh. A representative for Ms. Theron said the Academy Award winning actress was excited about the opportunity to insult the city where she will be working.
“Charlize said she can’t wait to get there. Her best friend Sienna Miller told her the only things uglier than Pittsburgh weather and Pittsburgh women are Pittsburgh children, and now she gets to see it all first-hand.”
Dawn Keezer, director of the Pittsburgh Film Office, said absorbing the criticisms of celebrities is something residents of depressed regions must endure if they want to become major players in the film industry. “Stars aren’t like most of us,” said Keezer. “They have no responsibility to consider the feelings of other people, or the possible, negative consequences when they say things that may be considered rude, or hurtful, to anyone other than themselves.”
Keezer added that this is standard language in every Hollywood contract. Theron’s co-star, actor Viggo Mortensen, vowed to make “his every day spent in the miserable hell-hole that is Pittsburgh a nightmare for everyone involved.” Mortensen made those remarks to a reporter for Variety on the set of his latest film, “Wunnerful, Wunnerful.” The movie, a bio-pic of bandleader Lawrence Welk, is currently in production in the town of Strasburg, North Dakota.
PRESIDENT DECLARES 'WAR ON ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION' IN STATE OF UNION; SAYS AMERICAN MEN HAVE 'INALIENABLE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE AND DIE HARD'
Washington , D.C. - President Bush asked Congress to authorize funding to wage a war on erectile dysfunction that will abolish the unpleasant, highly-sensitive condition by the year 2012.
“If we can put a man on the moon, we can make sure that every law-abiding, tax-paying male citizen of this great republic is able to use his penis for non-deviant, biblically-approved monogamous sexual relations with his spouse whenever he wants,” said the President.
After the President's address, spokeswoman Dana Perrino hastened to add that the President currently enjoys a robust sexual relationship with the first lady. “The President only became aware of the terrible scourge of erectile dysfunction when he was forced to endure over one-hundred commercials for Cialis during the first half of last Sunday’s NFC Championship game between the Green Bay Packers and New York Giants.” Cialis is a drug used to combat erectile dysfunction. When asked why he chose to make the eradication of this particular male sexual performance issue the thrust of his speech, Ms. Perrino paused before answering. “This is the President’s last State of the Union Address,” said Perrino. “I think he’d like to be remembered as a guy who went out with a bang.”
TED KENNEDY ENDORSES OBAMA
"If Hillary doesn't like it," the Massachusetts Senator said, "she can drive off a bridge"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)