OBAMA EXPLAINS "SWEETIE" COMMENT
"I've called a lot of women 'sweetie' during this campaign," the Illinois Senator said. "I just think it sounds nicer than 'bitch' or 'ho.'"
FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: May 15, 1938
HITLER ATTENDS VON TRAPP FAMILY CONCERT, LEAVES BEFORE ENCORE TO BEAT TRAFFIC
(Vienna) - Adolph Hitler, Supreme Leader of the German people, was in town last night to attend a concert by The Von Trapp Family Singers. The Fuehrer mingled backstage with Captain Von Trapp and his new wife, Maria, before taking a seat front row center at the Klink Civic Center to enjoy the wholesome, Aryan melodies of Austria ’s newest teen song stylists. He was observed clapping his hands in rhythm with the music, as the Von Trapps performed all of their fabulous hits. At one point, ushers were summoned by annoyed patrons who requested that he tone down his behavior. “He just kept shouting ‘Sing Lonely Goatherd! Sing So Long Farewell!’ He was really starting to get on peoples nerves,” said one usher, who wished to remain anonymous.
According to our sources, Mr. Hitler appeared smitten by the Captain’s bride. Prior to the show, he was overheard asking her if she wanted him to “destroy those nuns who gave you such a hard time.” Mrs. Von Trapp is a former novice at a local convent. She abandoned her vocation after falling in love with the dashing Mr. Von Trapp and his adorable children. Mrs.Von Trapp declined the Fuehrer’s offer, but reportedly dropped hints that she “wouldn’t mind having a couple of storm troopers pay a visit to the Mother Abbess and rough her up a little.” A publicist for the Von Trapp family said neither the Captain nor his wife would comment on their discussions with Mr. Hitler.
Bush Makes Ultimate Sacrifice
WASHINGTON - In a candid interview, President Bush declared that in 2003 he stopped masturbating "with this hand" out of respect for the families of Americans killed in the war in Iraq.
"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to know the Commander-in-Chief could be spanking the monkey in the Lincoln bedroom," Bush said Tuesday. "I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think waxing the weasel during a war just sends the wrong signal. It sends a -- I don't know -- masturbatory message."
Bush also noted that vice President Cheney recently gave up shooting people in the face as a means to boost troop morale.
OBAMA DROPS OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE
Democratic frontrunner stuns supporters by announcing he’ll front a Smokey Robinson cover band instead
Clinton Primary Win Nets Doctorate
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. -- Hillary Clinton carried the West Virginia Primary with more than 63 percent of the vote, a margin so overwhelming that West Virginia University officials immediately awarded her a doctoral degree.“Ordinarily, a primary winner is accorded a master’s degree, but this was such an impressive showing that the regents here immediately knew that Mrs. Clinton’s real-life experience, combined with the credit hours she accumulated giving a speech on campus, deserved a Ph.D.,” said WVU president Mike Garrison.
Mrs. Clinton’s degree marks a turning point in state politics. The last celebrity degree beyond an MBA awarded by the school was an honorary doctor of humane letters given to Triple Crown winner Affirmed in 1979.
MYANMAR JUNTA DIVERTS DISASTER RELIEF TO PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Pirates earmark relief monies for player developmentYANGON, Myanmar - Myanmar's ruling junta ordered all of the relief monies and supplies that this cyclone ravaged country has received from around the world to be piled up in a giant warehouse and transported to the Pittsburgh Pirates "where they are most needed," said Gen. Than Shwe.
Gen. Shwe explained "this is a humanitarian issue of epic proportions. The Burmese people have only lived with our present catastrophe for less than two weeks. In contrast, the people of Pittsburgh, USA, have been suffering with theirs for 16 years."
Pirates owner Bob Nutting promised to earmark the foreign aid for player development but declined to say whether he would open the team's books to prove it.
MONET'S ONE REGRET: 'GARDEN AT SAINTE ADRESSE''
PARIS - Long lost letters from Claude Monet to his tailor, Jacques Mendelbaum, revealed that the French impressionist considered his landmark work Garden at Sainte Adresse to be "a disaster.""I stood by my canvas for 16 hours straight," wrote Monet, "waiting in vain for the bastards cluttering up the scene to leave. They did not, so I was forced to paint the damn thing with them in it."
Monet revealed that he gave "serious consideration" to murdering "the broads with the umbrellas" who refused to move. He also "came perilously close" to "dumping" the seated man wearing a hat "into the briny deep where, to my delight, his testicles would be devoured by sharks."
When a sailboat dropped anchor directly in front of him, Monet could stand no more, so he climbed atop the railing overlooking the sea and challenged the captain to a fight to the death. "Do you know who I am? I'm Claude f***ing Monet, foremost artist in the world! And you -- and these f***ing bastards decked out in the expensive clothes -- are ruining my art!"
Art historians say that the letters provide important context that explains the handwritten note Monet scrawled on the backside of the canvas: "Do not display -- trash!"
Mural fulfills terms of Andrew Carnegie’s will
The Smithfield Street mural of philanthropist Andrew Carnegie and pop artist Andy Warhol was painted to fulfill a direction in Carnegie’s will: “I direct that my likeness shall appear atop a hotdog shop wearing curlers and sitting under a hair dryer next to a pop artist of indeterminate sexuality, while soaking my hands for a manicure.”
SMITH BROTHERS RENEW VOW: WON’T SHAVE UNTIL PITTSBURGH PIRATES WIN
Cough drop barons William and Andrew Smith renewed their vow not to shave until the Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning season.
The brothers were last clean-shaven on October 14, 1992, the day the Pirates lost the National League Playoffs to the Braves.
The brothers were last clean-shaven on October 14, 1992, the day the Pirates lost the National League Playoffs to the Braves.
“I can’t wait for the Bucs to win,” Andrew said. “Because this damn thing itches.”
'SOMEDAY THEY'LL GIVE A BALLGAME AND NOBODY WILL COME'
May 12, 2008: PNC Park, the loneliest place in the world
JENNA BUSH WEDDING: COMPLETE COVERAGE
PRESIDENT BUSH GIVES AWAY DAUGHTER, CHENEYCRAWFORD, TEXAS - President Bush proudly gave away his daughter Jenna at her wedding to Henry Hager, 30, yesterday and then turned unexpectedly and called for Vice President Dick Cheney to come forward. "Dick," the Presdient said excitedly, "I'm giving you away, too." A startled Cheney stood next to Jenna throughout the remainder of the ceremony. After the wedding reception attended by 200 guests, Cheney accompanied Jenna and her new husband on their honeymoon to Wildwood, New Jersey. Cheney told reporters he planned to show the young couple his "weapon of mass destruction" on the wedding night.
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REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT, PRESIDING AT BUSH WEDDING, CALLS ON GOD TO DAMN THE MARRIAGE
CRAWFORD, TEXAS - Rev. Jeremiah Wright, presiding at the wedding of first daughter Jenna Bush, was criticized for what many called a racially and politically charged wedding sermon. Later Wright verbally attacked reporters for taking comments in the sermon "out of context." He did not, however, deny calling upon Jenna to "bed him" in order to atone for the "lack of diversity" in her selection of a husband.
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JENNA'S WEDDING GOWN SHOCKER
First daughter says Monica Lewinsky dress fulfilled wedding tradition: "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something semen-stained"
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BUSH MISTAKES JENNA'S BRIDAL BOUQUET TOSS AS AL QAEDA ATTACK ON TEXAS
CRAWFORD, TEXAS - President Bush mistook his daughter's bridal bouquet toss at her wedding on Saturday as a terrorist attack on Crawford. "Hit the deck! It's al Qaeda!" the President cried, as terrified wedding guests threw themselves to the ground. Mr. Bush immediately ordered groom Henry Hager arrested and taken to Guantanamo Bay for questioning. The President smirked to other wedding guests that unless Hager tells interrogators what they want to hear, "he'll be spending his wedding night with sex-crazed evildoers."
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JENNA PICKS 'POP GOES THE WEASEL' FOR FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE
Jenna Bush picked the delightful children's song "Pop Goes the Weasel" for the father-daughter dance with President Bush at her wedding reception Saturday night in Texas, according to persons who attended the wedding. The President reportedly was not happy with the selection because, he said, he "never understood the words."
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HENRY HAGER SEEKS ANNULMENT
"I thought I was marrying the sister!"
"I thought I was marrying the sister!"
COORS LIGHT TRAIN PLOWS THROUGH CROWDED BUILDING; HUNDREDS KILLED, INJURED
NEW YORK - The Coors Light Train, the high-speed means by which refreshing, frost-brewed Coors is magically delivered to the parched throats of grateful consumers, plowed through a crowded mid-town office building yesterday afternoon killing and maiming hundreds of people. Authorities suspect alcohol was a factor in what the tabloids are calling “The Great Happy Hour Disaster.” The conductor reportedly failed a field sobriety test and remains in police custody.
Survivors recalled hearing the faint sounds of a once-popular song by The O’Jays entitled “Love Train” and feeling a stiff, chilly breeze just before the train, known as “The Silver Bullet,” hit the building. “It was awful,” said David Corbett, a janitor who works the evening shift. “Everywhere I looked there was nothing but twisted steel and bodies. I moved about the survivors, emptying cans of delicious, Rocky-Mountain cold Coors down their throats, but I fear I may have done more harm than good," said Corbett. “I think a couple people may have choked to death.”
Coors Chairman Peter Coors issued a statement early this morning expressing his sorrow. “The tears I have shed for the victims and their families are as bitter as the natural Rocky Mountain spring water that we use to brew Coors is pure.” Coors promised the full cooperation of everyone in the company with law enforcement and public safety officials as they begin their investigation.
JENNA BUSH CALLS OFF ENGAGEMENT, WILL WED STEELERS' MASCOT STEELY McBEAM INSTEAD
WASHINGTON - The White House announced that first daughter Jenna Bush's engagement to Henry Hager is off but the wedding will go on as scheduled tomorrow with a new groom -- Steeler mascot Steely McBeam. Miss Bush commented: "Once you've had Steely McBeam, other men seem like, well, Democrats."
CLINTON SAYS SHE'S 'NOT ONE TO GIVE UP'
"Nor am I one to have a clue, take a hint, or read the handwriting on the wall."
WVU TO RECALL ALL DEGREES
In the wake of the recent MBA scandal, West Virginia University officials announced they will recall every degree ever granted in the school’s 141-year history.WVU President Michael Garrison said he “regrets the inconvenience” to alumni, but noted that “if I’m gonna save my [job], I need to figure out what’s what around here.”
WITH TWO PA TEAMS GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD IN HOCKEY PLAYOFFS, GOV. ED RENDELL MAKES BET WITH SELF
"If the Pens win, I get cheesesteaks; if the Flyers win, I get Primanti sandwiches," explains Governor.
GREG MADDUX BREAKS ROTATOR CUFF; HALL OF FAME PITCHER EUTHANIZED ON THE MOUND
(Atlanta) - San Diego Padres pitcher Greg Maddux broke his rotator cuff in the fourth inning of last night’s game against his former team, the Atlanta Braves. The future Hall of Fame hurler, in obvious pain, was euthanized on the mound. A collective gasp arose from the crowd as the Padres medical team administered a lethal injection to the writhing body of one of the game's all-time greats. Home plate umpire John McSherry allowed several seconds of mourning before walking to the mound to hurry things along. Play resumed shortly thereafter.
“He went out in glory,” said a tearful Ron Suwalski, Padres trainer. “He went out like a champion.” At a post-game news conference, a distraught Suwalski said he was still struggling to ascertain how such a catastrophic injury could have occurred. He said the mound surface was in excellent condition, despite heavy rains over the past several days across the Atlanta metro area. “This was the best game Greg ever pitched as a member of our team. He was in the best shape of his life.” Suwalski said he anticipates criticism for his decision to euthanize Maddux, but he will not second-guess himself. “It had to be done. There was no way he could have been spared.”
Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement last night extending the sympathies of major league baseball to the San Diego Padres and the Maddux family.
Fans divided over harp solo slated for new Indiana Jones film
HOLLYWOOD - Movie fans anxiously awaiting the release of the upcoming Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull are outraged over reports that the film will come to a dead stop 35 minutes into it while Harpo Marx performs one of his signature harp solos.
Director Steven Spielberg explained that he has known Mr. Marx for many years and asked him "on a lark" to do the three minute and twenty second solo. "I ask Harpo to play [the harp] in every film I direct, going all the way back to Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and he finally said 'yes.'"
It is believed to be the first harp solo in a Spielberg film.
Director Steven Spielberg explained that he has known Mr. Marx for many years and asked him "on a lark" to do the three minute and twenty second solo. "I ask Harpo to play [the harp] in every film I direct, going all the way back to Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and he finally said 'yes.'"
It is believed to be the first harp solo in a Spielberg film.
It is not the first time Spielberg has dealt with the legendary Marx Brothers. Harpo's brother Groucho was slated to play the role of Quint in Jaws, but bailed out at the last minute because the sea water on location shooting wreaked havoc with his trademark greasepaint mustache. Less well known is that Chico Marx was prepared to play the title role in "E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial," until Spielberg fired him because he insisted on saying his lines with his usual faux Italian accent.
Spielberg insists the harp solo will be an integral part of the plot. Spoiler alert! "Harpo plays the wacky, mute sidekick -- mischievous, but with a heart of gold," explains Spielberg. "About a half hour into the film, John Hurt and his goons are chasing Harrison Ford and Harpo into a cave, where Harpo, of course, stumbles upon the harp. The rest is cinematic gold."
Postmaster General licks new Sinatra stamp 'kind of funny,' stamp knocks his teeth out
WASHINGTON - United States Postmaster General John E. Potter unveiled the new first class stamp honoring Frank Sinatra today, but when he went to lick it, the stamp punched out three of Potter's teeth.Rep. Albio Sires, D-N.J. witnessed the assault, but said that Potter was to blame because he "licked the stamp kind of funny, like he was enjoying it a little too much. You just don't do that to Frank."
CITY PLANNING COMMISSION APPROVES EXTERIOR OF NEW ARENA; ONE HILL COALITION PROTESTS PLANS FOR INTERIOR
Group wants assurances that Penguins will play at least half their games on black ice
OBAMA ADMITS GAME LED TO SERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM
The popular game where everyone drinks a beer whenever Hillary Clinton says "35 years of experience" has led to a serious drinking problem, Barack Obama admits.
Desperate Clinton campaign hires maverick fundraiser
He's Dr. Hassan Abu from the Bank of Africa, whose specialty is emailing people asking for help to transfer abandoned money
INDIANA TEENS DISAPPOINTED BY OBAMA RALLY
"His speech was okay," said 14-year-old Timmy Swayne,"but we were really hoping he would rap."
CLINTON, CALLING HERSELF THE ONLY PATRIOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, ANNOUNCES SHE WILL GET FLAG TATTOO ACROSS LEFT BREAST
(Indianapolis ) - Senator Hillary Clinton announced that she is having the American flag tattooed across her left breast and challenged her rival, Senator Barack Obama, to prove his loyalty to his country by doing the same. “The American people have the right to know their President will make sacrifices on their behalf,” she said. “And if that means sacrificing my dignity by allowing some hippie freak to spend a couple of hours painting Old Glory across this bad boy with a sterilized needle and ink, then that’s what I’ll do.” Senator Clinton unbuttoned her blouse for reporters in a crowded downtown coffee house and, gently cupping her exposed breast in her hand, showed exactly where the tattoo would rest. “I have always kept my country close to my heart,” she said. “Now it will be there forever, both figuratively and literally.”
Informed that Senator Obama called news of her pending visit to The Jester’s Court Skin Parlor “a cheap and tawdry stunt designed to appeal to voter’s emotions,” the former first lady bristled. “My opponent once again displays his elitism before the people of Indiana and North Carolina,” she said. “Since when did getting a tattoo make a middle-aged woman look cheap?”
Men of West Texas Polygamist compound bare it all for charity calendar
ELDORADO, Texas - The polygamist men of the Yearning For Zion Ranch in Eldorado, Texas, under fire because authorities believe they abused and forced underage girls to marry them, are trying to spruce up their badly tarnished images by baring it all for a charity calendar. All of the proceeds for the calendar, to be called "Men of the Polygamist Ranch," will go for breast cancer research.
"All fourteen of my wives thought this was a good way to show people that we're not monsters," said YFZ Ranch resident Noah Swayne. "In fact, we care very much about our women, especially their breasts. I can personally attest that I care very much about all twenty-eight of my wives' breasts."
The calendar probably won't sell very well inside the Ranch. "Every woman here has already seen Noah naked," said Carolyn Swayne. "After all, we're married to him."
OBAMA DECLINES INVITATION TO REVEREND WRIGHT'S CINCO DE MAYO PARTY; CANDIDATE DENOUNCES FORMER PASTOR FOR USING GEORGE WASHINGTON PINATA
(Indianapolis) - Senator Barack Obama declined to attend the annual Cinco De Mayo Party held by his former pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, and denounced the controversial minister's use of a George Washington piñata as “divisive, offensive, and inflammatory.” Senator Obama made those remarks while campaigning in downtown Indianapolis on the eve of the crucial Indiana primary.
The Senator was joined on the campaign trail by the exciting Latino bombshell Charo and actor-comedian Cheech Marin.
A copy of the invitation sent to Senator Obama was made available to the press yesterday. A photograph on the inside showed a smiling Reverend Wright taking a baseball bat to a piñata shaped like the head of the father of our country, George Washington. “I cannot tell a lie,” read the caption, “This party is going to be whack!”
A spokesman for Reverend Wright expressed surprise at Senator Obama’s reaction. “He’s been here every year before. He never objected when we used the Statue of Liberty piñata, or the Eleanor Roosevelt piñata, or the Uncle Sam piñata. I guess when you run for President, you get a little uptight.”
A spokesman for the candidate said the Senator “would rather strike a blow to a paper mache piñata of his beloved grandmother than strike at the skull of our nation’s first president.” Senator Obama is scheduled to make a major policy address on the issue of Mexican independence, piñatas, race, and the NHL playoffs this morning.
YELLOW CAB SOLD TO FRENCH COMPANY
Company spokesman Louis Mancarella: No changes necessary to incorporate French culture into Yellow Cab -- drivers already sufficiently rude.
WALT DISNEY FURIOUS WITH MILEY CYRUS OVER RACY PHOTOS; CRYOGENICALLY-PRESERVED CARTOONIST BEING DEFROSTED TO MEET WITH TEEN STAR
(Orlando) - Public outrage over racy photos of Disney channel teen sensation Miley Cyrus has forced the company to schedule an emergency defrosting of founder Walt Disney. Once he is sufficiently thawed, Mr. Disney is scheduled to meet with Ms. Cyrus and discuss possible ways to deal with what has become a public relations nightmare. Dr. Michael Bucholz, Chief of Cryogenics at Disney, said the continuing refusal of Ms. Cyrus to acknowledge the harm she has done to her reputation, and the reputation of the company, forced the hand of Disney executives. “Perhaps three hours in a conference room with the corpse of the man responsible for her career will bring her back to her senses.”
The controversy over the photos of Ms. Cyrus, which appear in the most recent issue of Vanity Fair, threatens to cos t the company millions of dollars in lost revenue if parents decide Ms. Cyrus no longer projects an image that is suitably wholesome for their children.
Mr. Disney, who died in 1966, has spent the past forty-two years in a cryogenic chamber in an undisclosed location on the grounds of the Magic Kingdom.
A spokesman for the Disney Corporation said this is only the second time Mr. Disney has been thawed out for a public appearance. In 1973, his perfectly-preserved remains attended the wedding of former Mouseketeer Annette Funicello.
BARBARA WALTERS ADMITS: "I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A U.S. SENATOR"
Tells Oprah Winfrey she remembers those days as "brilliant" and "exciting -- especially when there was sniper fire"
CONSPIRACY TO THROW PIEROGIE RACES ALLEGED; TEARFUL BOY PLEADS WITH HERO AT PNC PARK GATE: “SAY IT AIN’T SO, SOL!”
(Pittsburgh ) - Commissioner Bud Selig announced today he has begun an investigation into allegations the seventh inning pierogie races at PNC Park are fixed. Rumors have circulated for years among gamblers and the general public that the popular inter-inning dash featuring four nimble potato and flour-based creatures isn’t “on the level.”
If the Commissioner’s investigation turns up evidence of cheating on the part of any of the participants in the race, it is believed Mr. Selig will levy a stiff punishment. He gave some indication of what that punishment might be in discussions with reporters outside his Park Avenue office. “No pierogie who throws a race, no pierogie who undertakes or promises to throw a race, no pierogie who sits in confidence with a bunch of crooked pierogies and gamblers, where the ways and means of throwing a pierogie race are discussed and does not promptly tell his club about it, will ever race in a major league baseball stadium again,” he said.
As news of the Commissioner’s comments spread, a large crowd gathered outside of the pierogies entrance at PNC Park . One boy, clearly distraught, pleaded with Sauerkraut Sol. “Say it ain’t so, Sol,” he cried, but the object of his affection recoiled. “Hands off, you little creep!” he growled, before slamming the door in his face.
SHUFFLEBOARD COURT FOUND ON DECK OF NOAH'S ARK
MOUNT SABALAN, IRAN - An archeological expedition to Mount Sabalan in Iran has discovered a massive seafaring vessel dating from 2400 BC constructed of cypress wood and measuring 450 foot in length with a gross volume of 1.5 million cubic feet. Scientists say that based on the age, size, and composition of the structure, it can only be Noah's Ark.But the most surprising feature of the ark, said the expedition's director Dr. Hadley V. Baxendale, is the 39 by 6 foot shuffleboard court found on its main deck. The court is laid out in the exact dimensions of today's regulation-sized deck shuffleboard courts.
Dr. Baxendale said his team also believes it has uncovered evidence that the occupants of the ark engaged in the practice of reserving chairs next to the swimming pool by laying towels on them.
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