McCain fires back at critics
MYLAN INC. REPORTS $1.38 BILLION LOSS, STOCK TUMBLES
GOD ADMITS MAKING MYRON COPE A BROADCASTER WAS 'A COSMIC JOKE THAT GOT AWAY FROM ME'
HEAVEN - After welcoming Steelers broadcaster and Pittsburgh icon Myron Cope into His loving embrace last Wednesday, God admitted today that He never intended him to become a broadcaster.
“I try to temper the gifts I give to My children to keep them humble,” the Almighty explained. “For example, I came up with the concept of the dumb blonde --- great physical beauty, but a little light on brain power. For someone like Hines Ward, I gave him pass-catching skills and a love of hitting people, but I made him a few inches too short for Ben's [Roethlisberger] liking. For Mark Madden -- well, I can't really think of any positives."
“When I was forming Myron in My own image (more or less), I gave him exceptional writing skills, but then I paired those skills with that God-awful voice. No pun intended.”
In 1970, God made a fateful decision: He put Cope on the radio. “"When you've been in this business as long as I have, you learn you need to keep things light-hearted, and I thought all of us would get a laugh from subjecting millions of innocent people to Myron's voice. But instead of hating it, people loved him. Yoi and double yoi.”
Cope broadcast Steelers’ games for 35 years, gave birth to the Terrible Towel, and was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Since Cope’s death, tributes have poured in from around the country.
“I’m supposed to be all-knowing, but I didn’t see this coming,” God said sheepishly. “I’m going to have to work in less mysterious ways from now on.”
PITT TO GIVE AWAY iPOD FOR EVERY SEXUAL ASSAULT COMPLAINT IN EFFORT TO INCREASE 'EMBARRASSINGLY LOW' STATS
RAVENSTAHL AUTHORIZES CONSTRUCTION OF MYRON’S MAUSOLEUM; EMBALMED BODY OF STEELERS BROADCASTER TO REMAIN ON PUBLIC DISPLAY THROUGHOUT FOOTBALL SEASON
BIRMINGHAM BRIDGE DEMOLISHED, DUMPED IN FRANK CURTO PARK
RAUL CASTRO UPSET OVER BROTHER’S MEDDLING; NEW CUBAN DICTATOR SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW TO OPPRESS PEOPLE BY FORMER CUBAN DICTATOR
FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER ASSAULTED IN LOCAL CONVENIENCE STORE
MELLON ARENA TO BE SPARED, IDENTICAL ARENA TO BE BUILT NEXT TO IT
The Penguins announced that the team will not demolish Mellon Arena but instead will build an identical arena next to it. The team hopes that when the "duel arenas" are seen from the air, they will simulate "a beautiful woman."
The Penguins had initially selected Lego Corporation to design and build a new arena but nixed its design due to fears that Lego’s plastic floors could not support the weight of the fans.
OBAMA, CLINTON CAMPAIGNS ADDRESS PHOTO CONTROVERSY
ALVAH ROEBUCK ARRESTED FOR CREATING DISTURBANCE OUTSIDE STORE HE CO-FOUNDED, SEARS, ROEBUCK & COMPANY
CHICAGO - Alvah Roebuck sold his interest in the store that officially still bears his name, Sears, Roebuck & Company, to his partner Richard Sears in 1965. But everyday for the past seven years, the 95-year old plants his wheel chair outside the company's Chicago store and publicly criticizes his old partner.
"Why the hell does he hide the appliances in the back of the store? He's got no damn common sense," Roebuck yelled to no one in particular on a recent visit to the store. Shoppers who had no idea that the man lobbing verbal grenades was the grand old store's co-founder scurried to report him to store personnel. "The women's underwear is downright pornographic," Roebuck screamed to a black couple entering the store who tried to ignore him. "Do you hear me? Porn-o-graphic! Richard's going straight to hell!"
On this day, as on most others, police are summoned to escort the old man away.
Roebuck's granddaughter, Velveeta Roebuck-Lugosi, a violinist with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, took time during a break in rehearsal to explain her grandfather's rage. "Grandpa's still upset that he sold out his interest in the store and got virtually nothing from old man Sears," she said as she softly churned out a maudlin melody. "I'd personally like to put old man Sears' head in a vice and squeeze until his eyeballs pop out. I would savor the gushing of the blood, and then I would castrate him and eat his nuts raw while his popped-out eyeballs watched. But don't print that."
Ms. Roebuck-Lugosi revealed that her grandfather is in "serious discussions" to partner with James Cash Penney of the store that bears his name and Sebastian Kresge, founder of Kmart.
CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER DIRECTOR CONFIRMS CHINESE CADAVER IN “BODIES EXHIBIT” IS DECEITFUL FORMER OWNER OF TELEVISION LAUNDROMAT, MR. LEE
An investigation by the U.S. Justice Department’s Division of Consumer Protection subsequently confirmed that, contrary to Mr. Lee’s assertion, there were no secrets involved. Rather, it was revealed he was using a widely available detergent known as Calgon. Mr. Lee later confessed that he did not have possession of any ancient secrets. He was convicted of fraud, and served seven years in a Federal correctional facility before being deported in 1988. ABC News said that following his repatriation to China , Mr. Lee was arrested, charged with crimes against the state, and sent to a forced labor laundry camp on the Manchurian border. He was later executed after being caught using excess starch on one of then General Secretary Deng Xiaoping’s shirts.
“My husband, some hot-shot,” said his widow, Mrs. Lee. “He was always looking to fool somebody, and now he’s the one who looks foolish.” Ms. Haas said that while ABC correspondent Brian Ross was correct in his identification of Mr. Lee, his claim that the other body in the exhibit belongs to former Cartwright family cook Hop Sing is “patently false.”
OBAMA'S SUPPORTERS STARTING TO FEAR FOR HIS SAFETY
TERRELLE PRYOR CHOOSES HARVARD
FEMINIST CONDEMNS BOY WHO CUTS HER GRASS FOR IGNORING WOMEN'S INTERPRETATIONS OF THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES
Jacob, who had been cutting Ms. Swayne's grass for two years, claims that he "had the mower on the same setting I always use." But Ms. Swayne rejected Jacob's contention as "invalid" because "it ignores a woman's interpretation of her own experiences."
"Jacob is speaking from a perspective of male privilege," Ms. Swayne said angrily. "As an exponent of patriarchy, of course he will say whatever pops into his head to preserve his male entitlements if he thinks they are being taken from him." Ms. Swayne said she will fire Jacob and hire a female grass cutter "who, incidentally, makes only 77 cents for every dollar Jacob makes."
Jacob has a different take on it. "Ms. Swayne's pretending she's upset with me because the woman she's housemates with caught her staring at me for a real long time while I was cutting the grass without my shirt," he said. "I think Ms. Swayne, like, has a crush on me. Anyway, this isn't about male privilege or patriarchy; it's about the setting on the lawnmower's blade, which was exactly right. And by the way, if she could have found some girl to cut the grass at 77% what she pays me, that cheap bitch would have done it two years ago."
Breaking news in today's Trib p.m.: Birmingham Bridge demolished, remnants dumped in Frank Curto Park
RAUL CASTRO TAPS DESI ARNAZ AS NEW VP
SACHEEN LITTLEFEATHER ARRIVES AT PIZZA HUT, READS PREPARED STATEMENT EXPLAINING WHY MARLON BRANDO WON'T APPEAR TO PICK UP HIS ORDER
SHOCKING PHOTO OF CURLY HOWARD BEING BURNED ALIVE
Howard had just finished filming one of the Three Stooges' popular two-reelers, Half-Wits Holiday, when he was kidnapped on his way to his car on the Columbia Studios backlot. The kidnappers left a series of ransom notes over the next several days, but Howard's older brother, Moe, adopted a hard-line in dealing with the kidnappers and refused to accede to their demands.
Five days after he was reported missing, Howard was placed on a rotisserie and sauteed to death less than one mile from the studio he had helped establish as the screwball capital of the world. His body was recovered in woods beneath the giant "Hollywood" sign several weeks later, and his corpse was used by the always-frugal Columbia two-reeler division in several "haunted house" shorts.
Several years later the same two kidnappers unsuccessfully attempted to assassinate President Harry S. Truman. One of them was killed in that attempt, the other was sentenced to life in prison, where he died in 1994.
ANTON CHIGURH REQUESTS, RECEIVES COMPLIMENTARY TICKETS TO OSCAR CEREMONY
OUR TEEN FILM CRITIC JACOB SWAYNE REVIEWS THE OSCAR CONTENDERS
FILM REVIEW: 'ATONEMENT'
A thirteen-year-old girl named Brioney tells authorities that she saw a young white male, who is in love with Brioney's older sister Cecilia, raping another girl. The authorities believe Brioney, as is only appropriate since it's a young girl's word against a male's, so they arrest the male and he serves several years in prison before joining the army in lieu of the remainder of his sentence.
So far so good. Rape allegation, male in prison. That's exactly how it should work.
But then the film unravels. Brioney admits it was all a lie and says the male didn't rape anybody, and she lives the rest of her life feeling guilty and trying to atone for the supposed lie.
I could hardly catch my breath in the theater, I was so outraged over the film's deficient editing. Obviously they left out an entire subplot that would have explained that Brioney was delusional when she said the male was innocent. Allow me to fill in the gaps: the male deserved to go to jail regardless of what the so-called "evidence" showed. He is a white male. I mean, as it is, the audience felt sorry for the guy because he didn't do it, which is so wrong on so many levels, there's not enough space here to chronicle it. It felt like I was watching a propaganda film for truth and integrity or some such nonsense. Anyway, due to the poor editing, I cannot in good conscience recommend this film.
Of interest, Robert Altman, who died in 2006, was briefly resuscitated to film a lengthy tracking shot involving a bunch of white male soldiers.
THE AMAZING SLED FROM BEST FILM EVER "CITIZEN KANE" TURNS 67, BUT REFUSES TO RETIRE
Film buffs know that in Kane's final scene, "Rosebud" is tossed into a furnace and appears to be incinerated. But it is one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets that when the cameras stopped turning, director/star Orson Welles salvaged "Rosebud" and soon thereafter directors began sneaking it into their films in one form or another, hoping that a morsel of Welles' genius would rub off on their work.
Among many others, the hunk of wood popped up in the 1952 classic western High Noon as the swinging saloon doors:
Cecil B. CeMille used "Rosebud" as the centerpiece of one of his well-known Biblical epics:
Stanley Kubrick also made it the metaphorical core of his epic 2001: A Space Odyssey:
Alas, times have changed and many modern directors have never even heard of Citizen Kane, much less seen it. To them, "Rosebud" is just another prop, and they afford it no special reverance. Director Wes Anderson is typcial: "It's just a piece of wood. What do I care that Orson-Whoever used it in Citizen What?" Alas, Anderson has reduced "Rosebud" to its lowest depths. He's using it as a surfboard in a lewd teenage comedy, She's All Wet:
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO'S "WHO'S ON FIRST" ROUTINE RECITED BACKWARDS IS SATANIC CHANT TO RAISE DEAD
HOLLYWOOD - The buffoonish comedy team of Abbott and Costello reigned supreme as the most popular act in show business in the 1940's and early 1950's, proving beloved by children and grandparents alike. But a new book reveals that the seemingly innocent clowns were, in fact, serious disciples of the most sinister forces of the occult.
Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse, Professor of Anthropology at Cyrstal State University, says in "Who's on First? Lucifer," that when Abbott and Costello's most popular routine, "Who's on First," is played backward, it is a satanic chant dating to the third century A.D. that was commonly recited by worshippers of satan an unholy ritual to raise the dead.
"The part in the routine where Abbott says, 'I don't know's on third,' when played backward, is the cue for the Seven Corpses of Osiris to perform a ghastly human sacrifice. Believe me, there is nothing funny about that routine," said Professor Roadhouse.
In Dr. Roadhouse's next book, he will chronicle head "Three Stooge" Moe Howard's lifelong attempts to master the art of voodoo in order to inflict greater pain on his fellow Stooges.