VENUS DE MILO TO GET BREAST ENLARGEMENT TO BOOST CROWDS AT THE LOUVRE
PARIS - For centuries, Venus de Milo, the ancient Greek statute of an armless, naked woman has been considered the epitome of graceful feminine beauty. But the Louvre Museum in Paris, where Venus has been on public display since 1821, is alarmed by the statue's dwindling popularity. Thirty years ago, Venus was the Louvre's most popular attraction. Today, barely a trickle of tourists bother to visit her."Let's face it, the real problem is the breasts," said Bob Haas, the first American Director of the Louvre, hired last month after a stint at Euro Disney. "They just don't cut it for modern audiences raised on Penthouse -- so I'm told, not that I've ever read that publication."
To Haas, the solution is simple. "The way to get the crowds back is through good old-fashioned American breast augmentation," he said. "And I'm not talking about this saline-filled stuff -- you know, where the woman says 'Honey, how do you like my breasts,' and the husband pretends there's a difference but there's really not, but then he stupidly admits he can't see a difference, which starts a big fight, and he ends up sleeping on the couch for four nights. Not that this ever happened with me and my wife."
Haas wants the largest breasts possible. "I'm talking about string implants, like they use in the adult entertainment industry -- so I'm told, because how would I know about such things?" he chuckles nervously. "My goal is for this timeless classical beauty to become a testament to men's most wicked desires."
Haas dismisses the criticisms of Parisians who say his plan would crassly eroticize one of the nation's most significant artifacts. "Those are the same snooty Europeans who deride Euro Disney but are the first in line to ride the roller coasters," he said. "I will prove to the Parisians that I am not crass. I am going install first-class peep booths with all the amenities so that our male clientele can view Venus properly, with state-of-the-art coin operated timer mechanisms that will accept ATM cards."
Next year, Haas said he plans to find a sculptor to fit Venus with arms. "Let's face it," he said. "That no-limbs look is a real turn-off."
ROB OWEN, POST-GAZETTE TV EDITOR, CITES THIS WEBSITE
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette TV Editor Rob Owen today said that a story reported by this website, Rick Sebak Assaulted by Television Critic at Premiere of Latest Special, was "hilarious but untrue." TV Q&A With Rob Owen
This website takes very seriously its responsibility for accuracy, and when a journalist with Mr. Owen's reputation casts doubt on the truth of one of our stories, you can bet I am going to check into it.
Some of our readers will recall that I once had to fire our lead reporter when I discovered that he had made up every story we had ever reported. "Carbolic Smoke Ball" fires lead reporter; it turns our every story we've reported was made up! As I said then: "The unfortunate part is that there are thousands of people around the world who have relied on this site as the sole source of their news. As it turns out, they were woefully misinformed. We cannot erase the past, but we pledge that the fake news stories end here and now. You have my word on that."
And you have my word on that again!
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
This website takes very seriously its responsibility for accuracy, and when a journalist with Mr. Owen's reputation casts doubt on the truth of one of our stories, you can bet I am going to check into it.
Some of our readers will recall that I once had to fire our lead reporter when I discovered that he had made up every story we had ever reported. "Carbolic Smoke Ball" fires lead reporter; it turns our every story we've reported was made up! As I said then: "The unfortunate part is that there are thousands of people around the world who have relied on this site as the sole source of their news. As it turns out, they were woefully misinformed. We cannot erase the past, but we pledge that the fake news stories end here and now. You have my word on that."
And you have my word on that again!
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
RARE PUBLIC APPEARANCE BRINGS STARTLING REVELATION: G. OGDEN NUTTING AND SON BOB REALLY ARE PIRATES
"THAT EXPLAINS WHY THEY PLUNDER THE TEAM," MUSED BASEBALL COMMISSIONER BUD SELIG 
VENDOR'S SHTICK OF CALLING FANS NAMES OF CELEBRITIES THEY RESEMBLE DOESN'T WORK AT ALL-STAR GAME
T.C. CONGDON REFERRED TO FAN AS "THE GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE ROB REINER" WITHOUT REALIZING IT REALLY WAS ROB REINER
PITTSBURGH - Funny man vendor T.C. Congdon spends every Pirate home game drifting through the aisles of PNC Park hawking one item or another while entertaining the hordes by calling fans by the names of celebrities they vaguely resemble.
His shtick fell flat at this year's All-Star game, played at PNC Park, because the real celebrities were actually there.
"Pass this beer to Meathead," Congdon told a fan. It quickly dawned on Congdon that the recipient of the beer really was Rob "Meathead" Reiner.
Congdon made the same mistake with Dean Cain. "Look," Congdon shouted, "there's Superman." It turned out he was right.
American League team manager Ozzie Guillen got wind of what Congdon was doing and called him a "retard" because "there's nothing funny about calling a celebrity by his real name."
NO WONDER THEY HIT SO MANY INTO THE RIVER . . .
THE BALLS WERE SO BIG IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS THEM
PNC PARK MIRACLE: OUTFIELD GRASS SOMEHOW WAS DISCOLORED IN SHAPE OF GIANT STAR
GROUNDSKEEPERS ARE BAFFLED
WITH DEAFENING ROAR, SPACE SHUTTLE DOES FLY-OVER PNC PARK TO KICK OFF HOMERUN DERBY
OBJECT NEXT TO SHUTTLE IS KOREAN MISSILE
HONUS WAGNER STATUTE TAKES BAT TO G. OGDEN NUTTING AS HE ENTERS PNC PARK FOR ALL-STAR GAME FESTIVITIES
QUICK ACTING SECURITY GUARDS PULL FLYING DUTCHMAN'S LIKENESS OFF PIRATES OWNER 
BUD SELIG BANS GOLFER JOHN DALY FROM BASEBALL FOR LIFE DUE TO GAMBLING
NEW YORK - Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig today banned golfer John Daly from baseball for life following revelations in Daly's biography that he has gambled away between $50 and $60 million."Baseball imposes this drastic punishment after much reflection and only as a last resort," said a somber Selig.
Daly, playing a round of golf with businessmen in Spain, was outraged when he heard the news. "This is bogus!" he cried. His golfing companions reminded Daly that, in fact, he has no involvement with baseball and that the ban will have no effect on him. Still, Daly fumed. "It's just the whole idea of it."
Critics dismissed the ban as a diversion tactic to keep the public from focusing on the steroid scandal that has engulfed baseball the past several months. But Selig begs to differ. "Major League Baseball sniffs out depravity wherever it is found, and if that makes our critics uncomfortable, then so be it."
Selig also announced that, in addition to Daly, Major League Baseball is investigating possibly banning Osama bin Laden and Lee Harvey Oswald (the latter posthumously).
Boy who vanished from Yankee Stadium turns up in Iowa cornfield
DYERSVILLE, IOWA - A 13 year-old boy who disappeared from a men’s room in Yankee Stadium last night mysteriously appeared this morning in an Iowa cornfield next to a makeshift baseball field. The boy, whose name is being withheld, was discovered walking with a shoeless ballplayer and a man resembling actor James Earl Jones.
AL GORE CALLS FOR RECOUNT OF ALL-STAR GAME BALLOTS
FORMER VP SAYS BALLOTS WITH HANGING CHADS UNFAIRLY DISREGARDEDWASHINGTON - Former Vice President and 2000 Presidential candidate Al Gore called for a recount of Major League Baseball All-Star Game ballots cast this year. Gore claims that only fully punched-out chads have been tallied, leaving at a disadvantage fans who vote from small market cities and rural areas "who are not sufficiently sophisticated to know how to fully punch-out chads," said Gore.
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced that he wants to insure the fairness of the balloting and named former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris to oversee the vote tallying process. Harris' declaration in the 2000 Presidential election that George Bush was the victor in Florida over Al Gore ignited a battle that forced the U.S. Supreme Court to decide the race.
Harris immediately held a press conference in which she "vowed that all 74 major league teams will be treated with the utmost fairness." Commissioner Selig, standing next to Harris, muttered to an aide. "What the hell's she talking about? There are only 30 teams in baselball." The Commissioner shook his head in disgust. "This dame must not know how to count."
BABE RUTH EXHUMED TO PROVE SUPERIORITY TO BONDS
BONDS' STEROID CREAM ADMINISTERED TO "BAMBINO'S" REMAINS, THE "SULTAN OF SWAT" HITS ONE OUT OF PARK
NEW YORK - At the direction of Babe Ruth's grandson Les Ruth, the "Bambino's" body was exhumed in a private ceremony at Yankee Stadium today, and the anabolic steroid that Barry Bonds admits having used was administered to the former Yankee great's badly decomposed remains.
Seconds after the liquid substance that Bonds refers to as "the cream" was dabbed on the the skull of what-is-left-of-Ruth, the Sultan of Swat rose from his gurney, grabbed a bat and assumed his familiar stance at home plate. Yankee fastballer Randy Johnson heaved one in the strike zone, and Ruth's remains let loose a ferocious swing, sending the ball on a 570 foot journey out of the park. Ruth rounded the bases, then quickly tuckered out and was returned to his casket.
Les Ruth summed up the feelings of the stunned witnesses. "Just imagine what the Babe would do with that 'cream' if his body was intact."
Pirates to feed Pierogie characters to lions to "give the fans what they want"
PITTSBURGH - G. Ogden Nutting, the phantom owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, announced through his son Bob that he's going to "give the fans what they want" -- the Pierogie characters who race each other every game will instead do battle with real, hungry lions. Nutting explained that in the middle of the fifth inning of every game, the lions will chase the Pierogies from the right field corner to home plate. "Now those ludicrous looking characters will really have something to run for,” said Nutting. “Their lives.”
In addition, Nutting said: "My father wants everyone to know that the fans are guaranteed to see blood every game, either the Pierogi characters' or the lions." Bob paused, sighed and seemed genuinely embarrassed. "My father insisted that at this point in the announcement, I'm supposed to laugh maniacally." He looked down and forced the faintest of laughs. "Ha, ha."
The battle with the lions will be conducted in conjunction with the Pittsburgh Zoo "to minimize the danger to the African lions we'll be using," Bob Nutting explained.
POPULAR TEAM MASCOT GOES ON KILLING RAMPAGE AT BALLPARK; KILLS 17, TURNS GUN ON SELF
PITTSBURGH - The beloved mascot of the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Pirate Parrot, went on a killing rampage at PNC Park in the fifth inning of the Pirates' loss against the Florida Marlins last night, killing 17 people and a vegetable, popular "Pierogi Race" character Jalapeno Hannah, before turning the gun on himself. This shocking photograph shows the Parrot seconds after he went berserk and began firing a mini-cannon at fans in the stands.
The Parrot had just climbed atop the visiting team's dugout, much to the delight of a group of young children clustered in the front row closest to him. He methodically removed a miniature cannon from a canvas bag and began loading it with ammunition. Then he took careful aim at long-time season ticket holder Bradleys Roadhouse sitting in Section 9, Row F, Seat 12, and literally blew his head off. Pirate broadcaster Greg Brown yelled at the top of his lungs: "I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW." Several fans lifted wisecracking vendor T.C. Congdon into the air, hoping he would become the next target, but Congdon somehow was spared. "The scary part was that throughout all the killing, [the Parrot's] eyes were lifeless," said Pirates manager Jim Tracy. "It was almost as if they were plastic."
The Parrot calmly proceeded to pick off 16 more people and the pierogi before taking his own life. When it was over, he lay motionless atop the dugout amidst the smoke from the gunfire. Green feathers floated gently onto the field, and a smell akin to burning chicken permeated the ballpark.
Police have not established a motive for the violent outburst, the worst at PNC Park since 2002 when Jim Rooker and Nellie King, inspired by the Columbine High killings, teamed up to kill 38 innocent fans as revenge for their terminations as Pirate broadcasters. Police suspect that the Parrot's attack may have been triggered by the frustration of trying to bring joy to Pirate fans in the midst what is shaping up to be a catastrophic losing season.
A private memorial will be conducted for the Parrot at the Pittsburgh Aviary tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. Police Chief Dom Costa asks that persons who are not invited stay away from the area. "We don't want to turn the Aviary into a zoo," the Chief said.
JOSE BAUTISTA HOMERUN TOUCHES OFF WORST RADIOACTIVE DISASTER IN HISTORY OF PNC PARK
NUCLEAR-POWERED PEPSI BOTTLE ATOP RIGHT FIELD STANDS HAS MELTDOWN, LEAKS RADIOACTIVE CAFFEINE; NORTH SHORE IS ABUZZPITTSBURGH - The worst radioactive disaster in the history of PNC Park occurred in the second inning of last night's game against the Florida Marlins, leaving thousands of North Shore residents abuzz with caffeine poisoning.
As is customary when a Pirate hits a homerun, Jose Bautista's two-run blast with one out in the bottom of the second inning cued the giant nuclear-powered mechanical Pepsi bottle atop the right field stands to flash lights, sizzle and appear as if it were filling up. However, the bottle malfunctioned for reasons police and the Pepsi-Cola Company are still investigating, and it failed to stop sizzling.
Within minutes it was obvious that the bottle was experiencing a caffeine meltdown of significant proportions. The game was halted and fans were told to proceed to their cars in an orderly fashion. But caffeine fumes immediately filled the air, and exiting fans experienced severe restlessness and pronounced muscle twitching.
Veteran Pirates Joe Randa and Jeromy Burnitz started running the bases uncontrollably, much to the delight of Pirates manager Jim Tracy. "I haven't seen those old guys run like that all year," said Tracy. "I'm going to ask for a nuclear meltdown every night."
PIRATES' MANAGER SUSPENDED FOR NEO-NAZI SALUTE
BUD SELIG: HITLER NOT AN ESPECIALLY GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUTHPITTSBURGH - As if the hapless Pittsburgh Pirates did not have enough trouble, now the Bucs' skipper Jim Tracy has been suspended by baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for giving what Selig characterized as a neo-Nazi salute prior to last night's Pirate's game. Tracy allegedly gave the salute while he was spraying fungoes during fielding practice.
Selig issued this statement: "After much consideration, it is the opinion of the Commissioner's office that Adolf Hitler and his Nazi party are not especially good role models for our youth."
Tracy maintains that he was not giving a neo-Nazi salute but was "calling his shot" -- predicting he would hit a home run to center field. Selig said he will investigate.
If Tracy's claim is true, Selig said it "would be worse" than if Tracy were emulating Hitler. "I'll have him committed to a mental hospital for having delusions that he's Babe Ruth."
KKK ADVERTISES AT PNC PARK
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Pirates, desperate for any revenues they can raise, is accepting advertising dollars from the Ku Klux Klan, it was revealed last night when a large "KKK" sign was erected in the left field stands prior to the start of the game. A guard hired by the Klan sat above it to make sure no one tried to remove it. Ian Snell, the Pirates lone black player, refused to dress for the game in protest.G. Ogden Nutting, the mysterious principal owner of the Pirates, did not return calls for this story, but his son Bob briefly explained that "the Pirates don't screen advertisers, other than to make sure their money is green." Pirates Manager Jim Tracy was unaware that the Klan was advertising at the ballpark. "I just thought the three K's represented Oliver Perez's cumulative strikeouts for the season."
Mr. Nutting's office revealed that Al-Quaeda and the Hitler Youth are also planning to advertise at PNC Park.
JIM TRACY UPBRAIDS PEREZ FOR COWARDICE, SELIG RELIEVES HIM OF COMMAND
ST. LOUIS - Pittsburgh Pirates Manager Jim Tracy slapped Pirates pitcher Oliver Perez during a visit to a mobile Pirates field hospital last night, accusing Perez of cowardice, and cursing him in a loud voice that caused Perez to dissolve into tears.Supreme Commander of Major League Baseball Donald Selig announced this morning that Tracy had been immediately relieved of his command of the beleaguered Pirates, pending an investigation.
According to witnesses, Tracy had just completed an emotional visit to the bedside of injured first baseman Sean Casey, pausing to plant a kiss on his forehead and place a bobblehead likeness of himself on Casey’s nightstand. As he left, he saw Perez sitting in a corner, trembling. Tracy asked Perez about the nature of his condition. Perez allegedly replied “It’s my nerves, sir. I can’t take it anymore.” Tracy flew into a rage. “Your nerves?” he snarled. “Why you’re nothing but a g**damn coward!” He then slapped Perez twice across the face with his glove, ordering Pirate medical personnel to “send this yellow bastard back to the front of the pitching rotation.” Tracy insisted he wouldn’t allow “this yellow bastard” to “stink up a place of honor!”
A spokesman for the volatile Tracy, nicknamed “Old Blood and Guts and Cliches” by his men, later said Tracy that was “contrite.” He also said Tracy would do “whatever Selig wanted to get back in the game.” It is believed that Selig will insist that Tracy make a formal apology to the men serving in the Major League Baseball Players Association before he is reinstated. A decision on Tracy’s status is expected before the All-Star Game.
BALLPLAYER ACCUSED OF SMUGGLING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM MEXICO IN HIS CUP SUPPORTER
BRADENTON, Fla - Bradleys Roadhouse, 22, third baseman for Double "A" minor league baseball team The Altoona Curve, has been accused by Major League Baseball of being part of a lucrative human trafficking ring that is believed to have smuggled hundreds of illegal immigrants from Mexico to Florida.
Roadhouse, who spent spring training this year at the Bradenton training camp of the Pittsburgh Pirates, is accused of personally transporting dozens of Mexicans across the border by hiding them in an over-sized cup supporter.
The smuggling ring started to unravel last week, however, when an illegal Mexican immigrant was rushed to a local Bradenton hospital by an anonymous man and later died. Officials concluded that Roadhouse was involved in the incident after the coroner's report listed the cause of death as a severe case of second-hand jock itch. FBI inspector Noah Swayne explained:"We put two and two together -- the jock itch, and the numerous reports we'd been receiving about the bulge in Roadhouse's pants."
In related news, Pete Rose is said to be taking bets on Roadhouse's cup size.
Little League World Series pushes fences back 20 feet, rampant steroid use blamed
WILLIAMSPORT - Little League Baseball announced today that the outfield fences at its two Williamsport ballparks will be pushed back 20 feet in time for this year's Little League World Series. Rampant steroid use has bulked up the twelve-year old participants to the point that homeruns, many of them monstrous shots, have become as routine as singles, said Bradleys Roadhouse, Commissioner of Little League Baseball, in a candid interview."They [the players] may only be twelve years old, but by the looks of them, they could pass for minor leaguers," said Roadhouse. "Take the team that won it last year, Ewa Beach, [Honolulu] Hawaii [pictured above]. If those boys miss a day of shaving, they've got full beards." Roadhouse said the boys' steroid use has other negative consequences. "I've seen college girls hit on these boys only to recoil in shock when the boys open their mouths and speak to them in their high-pitched, girlish voices."
Little League's official explanation is that the fences need to be pushed back because doubles and triples have become too scarce. Roadhouse conceded that this is only partially correct. "Yes, doubles and triples are too scarce, but it's because those behemoths are smacking the ball over the fence every time they get wood on it."
PIRATES' SPECIAL ALL-STAR GAME CONSULTANT, MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY, PUSHES JASON BAY INTO LEAD IN BALLOTING AMONG NL OUTFIELDERS
PITTSBURGH - Jason Bay found himself atop all National League outfielders in fan balloting for the All-Star game today, and he has one man to thank for it: the Pirates' special "All-Star Game Consultant," Richard J. Daley, former Mayor of Chicago. "When I was looking for a man to spearhead our effort to get Jason elected, the choice was easy," said Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield. "It had to be 'Da Mare,' the last of the big city bosses."
But with four days left for voting, Daley said he's not celebrating yet. "You remember how close it was when I got Jack Kennedy elected in 1960?" said Mayor Daley. "Well, this one's going to be closer, so we need to exhilerate the program. With hard work, we shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."
Mayor Daley became indignant when questioned about historical rumors that he sometimes engaged in ballot manipulation to win elections. "I'm going to get Bay elected the same way I win every election," barked the Mayor. "With my network of local precinct captains, who marshal and deliver the votes on a neighborhood-by-neighborhood basis." The Mayor smiled: "After all, I wasn't hired to create disorder, I was hired to preserve disorder."
CARBOLIC EDITOR JUDGE PECKHAM IS KILLED BY ASTEROID, SAYS UNSPACE.NET
PITTSBURGH - The beloved founder and editor of The Carbolic Smoke Ball was killed by an asteroid today, reports UnSpace. Immediately upon hearing the news, devotees of the Judge erected large banners bearing his image throughout the city, and wailing and lamenting were widespread. We will provide continuning coverage of this story as details unfold.The Hon. Rufus Peckham
CARBOLIC EDITOR JUDGE PECKHAM STILL MISSING, SAYS MS. ADVENTURES ON THE MON
PITTSBURGH - The beloved founder and editor of The Carbolic Smoke Ball is still missing, reports Ms. Adventures on the Mon See also here, here and here. Wailing and lamenting were widespread across the city. We will provide continuning coverage of this story as details unfold. Ms. Adventures on the Mon has been awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its continuing coverage of this breaking story.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
DUQUESNE INCLINE TO JACK UP SPEED TO "THRILL RIDE" LEVELS
EFFORT TO BOOST RIDERSHIP WILL FORCE PREGNANT AND MOTION SICK COMMUTERS TO TAKE THE BUSPITTSBURGH - Since 1877, the Duquesne Incline has shuttled Pittsburgh commuters living atop Mount Washinton to and from work downtown at a leisurely pace of 16.5 miles per hour. But that is about to change because declining ridership has forced the Society for the Preservation of the Duquesne Heights Incline to explore ways to boost clientele, and it thinks it has struck pay dirt with its latest plan.
Starting Monday, the incline's speed will be jacked up by more than seven times to thrill ride levels of 120 miles per hour.
The goal is two-fold, said Incline Society President Robert Atilla Haas. "First, we'll break into the thrill ride market in a big way. Second, for our regulars commuters, we'll make the ride down the Mount faster -- much, much faster." Haas said he is seeking a sound-level variance to allow for the terrified shrieking that will accompany the incline's tumble down the Mount in a virtual free-fall.
If this plan works, Haas said he will explore adding loops and inverting the track so that the car spins upside down in a cork screw effect.
"I won't be surprised if the Duquesne Incline causes brain damage in at least some of our riders," said Haas proudly. "Not that any of us wants that to happen."
STATUE OF GEORGE M. COHAN COMES ALIVE AND SPEAKS TO BROADWAY: "PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES!"
GEORGE M'S LIKENESS LEERS AT "GOOD LOOKING" GUY DURING TIRADE AT TIME'S SQUARENEW YORK - Thousands of stunned visitors at Times Square today heard the voice of Broadway's patron saint, George M. Cohan, for the first time in almost 64 years as it scolded the Great White Way for "debasing its heritage with coarse and loathsome lewdness."
Eyewitnesses say that bustling 42nd Street came to a stop at noon as a voice that old timers swear was Cohan's boomed from the famous likeness of the man who gave the world Give My Regards to Broadway, You're a Grand Old Flag, Yankee Doodle Boy, and Over There. Some terrified witnesses cried and a few fainted. The statue chose today to address Broadway apparently because it would have been Cohan's 118th birthday.
"He went on at considerable length about the impropriety of nudity in Broadway shows," said 23-year old New York University student Adam Kidd. "He was especially hung up, pardon the pun, on the male organ, and he used all manner of euphemism for it, at one point he even broke into song about it to the tune of his hit 'Harrigan.'" Kidd said that following the statue's tirade, it suddenly turned its head and leered at him before returning to its well-known pose. "It's the first time I've ever been objectified by a pidgeon perch," he said.
Among the eyewitnesses was Broadway icon Nathan Lane who said he found it "ironic that we were given a lecture about morality by a man who lied about being born on the fourth of July just to sell a song."
CARBOLIC EDITOR JUDGE PECKHAM IS MISSING, SAYS ANOTHER WEBSITE
PITTSBURGH - The editor and founder of this news source has been missing since Wednesday evening, reports Ms. Adventures on the Mon. (Click on the link to read the story.) We will follow-up on the story.The Hon. Rufus Peckham
BIN LADEN DEMANDS BUSH RELEASE AL ZARQAWI'S BODY SO HE CAN BE BURIED AT GRACELAND
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - In a newly released audio tape, Osama bin Laden heaped praise on al-Zarqawi in rhymed couplets traditional to Islamic poetry, calling him a "lion of Islam," and then threatened President Bush with America's destruction if American forces refuse to release the body of the slain Iraq insurgent leader so he can be be buried "next to his hero, rock 'n roll pioneer Elvis Presley, on the hallowed grounds of Graceland." Bin Laden explained that al-Zarqawi worshipped Presley, who died in his bathroom at his home, Graceland, of heart disease and drug abuse in August 1977. According to bin Laden, Al-Zarqawi, who videotaped himself personally beheading innocent Americans and other Westerners, frequently broke into Presley songs in public, once even warbling "Wise men say, only fools rush in . . ." while beheading a Red Cross worker.
Bin Laden's comments appear to be accurate since they confirm reports of American soldiers after they found al-Zarqawi near death following a U.S. airstrike on his hideout last month. Before he expired, Iraq's most famous terrorist asked the soldiers to see to it that he be buried at Graceland, now a kitschy shrine, "no more than five feet from the King." Al-Zarqawi then uttered his final word, "Rosebud," which reporters are still trying to understand, and died.
In the newly released audio statement, bin Laden fueled conspiracy theories that Presley never died by referring to Presley's "alleged grave site." Bin Laden has long maintained that America faked Presley's death and is holding him captive at its Guantanamo Bay prison facility.
Shuttle set to launch Saturday; in case of loose tiles, ex-star of TV's This Old House on standby to lead repair mission
BOB VILA: THE PROBLEM WITH THE TILES ON THE LAST SHUTTLE WAS THE GROUTING -- WE'RE READY THIS TIME. CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - The space shuttle Discovery catapulted America back into space for the first time in almost three years last summer, but NASA officials declared the mission a failure because a thermal tile broke off from the spacecraft's belly during liftoff and put the crew in peril.
Now nearly a year later, Discovery is set to launch again this Saturday, and NASA officials are taking no chances with the safety of the crew. If a problem arises with any of the tiles during the mission, NASA has arranged to have Bob Vila, the former host of television's This Old House, on standby to command a second shuttle mission to repair them.
NASA Director Bradleys Roadhouse explained that when the problem occurred during last year's shuttle mission, NASA consulted Vila, and he correctly diagnosed the problem. "One of the most common problems with tile," Vila explained, "is that people don't wait 24 hours to grout," he said. "That's what happened there. It's that simple."
In selecting Vila to lead a possible repair mission, NASA is not concerned that he has no training as an astronaut. Roadhouse explained that he saw Vila supervise the installation of tile around a bathtub on an episode of This Old House several years ago, "and the manner in which he screwed the cement backer board directly into the studs was nothing short of genius. I saw that and I said to myself, 'That's the man I want to command a shuttle repair mission.'"
Vila is excited about the possibility of leading a repair mission. "We could turn it into a TV show and call it, 'This Old Spaceship'," he said.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)