LEE HARVEY OSWALD HOLDS RARE PRESS CONFERENCE, SAYS SEUNG-HUI CHO'S 'TELL-ALL' VIDEO CONFESSION SHOWS 'NO SELF-RESPECT'
BENGALS LOOK TO THE BIG HOUSE
In other news, the Bengals have reportedly added Tyrone Smith to their administrative staff as Bail-Bondsman. Smith was previously Bail-Bondsman for the Oakland Raiders.
ROSIE O'DONNELL, BOOTED FROM 'THE VIEW,' GOES ON NYC RAMPAGE
BORIS YELTSIN'S BODY GOES ON PERMANENT DISPLAY NEXT TO LENIN'S IN RED SQUARE
WHITE HOUSE ATTRIBUTES GONZALES' INABILITY TO RECALL AT CONGRESSIONAL HEARING TO COCONUT CONK ON HEAD
DONATIONS TO THIS YEAR'S CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL TELETHON TO DEFRAY COST OF UPMC'S MOVE TO US STEEL TOWER
COMPANY GETS RICH PUBLISHING PHYSICIAN WAITING ROOM MAGAZINES THAT ONLY APPEAR TO BE OUTDATED
NEW YORK - If you've ever tried to kill time in your doctor's waiting room by reading magazines that seemed to be several months old, chances are those magazines were, in fact, brand new.Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati is the world's largest publisher of seemingly outdated, brand-name magazines exclusively for doctors' waiting rooms. "It surprises people when we tell them that our magazines are new but that we purposely make them appear to be four to six months old," said Pyramid's CEO Benjamin Cardozo. "We intentionally fill them with old news, and we make the covers appear to be worn, sometimes even missing."
Pyramid has seen its business of selling new "old" magazines quadruple in the past five years. "I can't print new 'old' magazines fast enough," said Cardozo. The obvious question is, why do physicians buy magazines that appear to be outdated? Cardozo explained that there are two reasons. "First, is theft. Up-to-date magazines wouldn't last more than a day or two before someone 'borrowed' them. Second, patients have come to expect old magazines in waiting rooms. The fact is, any doctor with magazines that appear to be new is viewed as suspect, maybe even incompetent. So it's a trust issue."
Cardozo says that some physicians pay a little more to have Pyramid simulate an address label that appears to have been removed to obscure the address. "This gives the illusion that the doctor cares enough about his or her patients to actually bring magazines from home," says Cardozo.
GONZALES RECOVERS FROM AMNESIA; WILL STAY ON
EARTH DAY RECAP: TANKER LOADED WITH OIL, PESTICIDE, INSECTICIDE, NUCLEAR WASTE RAMS RACHEL CARSON BRIDGE, SINKS
PITTSBURGH - A tanker carrying millions of barrels filled with a highly toxic mixture of petroleum, insecticide, pesticide and radioactive nuclear waste rammed one of the columns of the Rachel Carson Bridge Sunday morning. “The Edmund Fitzgerald Jr.,” bound for the Chem-Lawn Warehouse on Neville Island, sank in less than five minutes. There are reports the captain of the vessel was traveling at a high rate of speed in an effort to get his cargo to the warehouse before dandelions and other grass-defiling plants take root in suburban lawns. Phone calls to the Chem-Lawn Warehouse were not returned.
The incident occurred a year to the day the Ninth Street Bridge was renamed to honor the legacy of the local woman whose books, “Silent Spring” and “Silent Spring, Part Two” helped raise public awareness of environmental issues. The renaming was consistent with Western Pennsylvania's official policy of only renaming structures for Pittsburghers who fled the city prior to or upon achieving fame.
Allegheny County River Force Chairman John Craig said the effects of the spill on fish and plant life along the river would be “devastating.”
“Even worse,” Craig added, “We now have to be concerned about the possibility of hideous, menacing, genetic mutations forming from the combination of nuclear waste and aquatic life. If you’ve ever seen The Beast From Twenty Thousand Fathoms, you know what I'm talking about," he winked.
In an effort to calm a jittery public, Mayor Ravenstahl asked Police Chief Nate Harper to institute riverfront police patrols in an effort to thwart potential riverfront assaults on citizens from any homicidal Monster-Fish that may emerge from the water. Cleanup from the accident, according to a spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers, is expected to take years.
ERNEST ANGLEY HEALS MAN'S CONCUSSION BROUGHT ON WHEN ANGLEY 'HEALED' HIM BY SMACKING HIM ON FOREHEAD
CUYAHOGA FALLS, Ohio - Last Saturday evening, 24-year old Noah Swayne decided to impress his girlfriend so he attended a healing service with her at Grace Cathedral in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, presided over by the Rev. Ernest Angley, the stocky, toupee-wearing televangelist from rural North Carolina who sounds like a cross between Lawrence Welk and Gomer Pyle.The first part of the service consisted of Angley conducting a 40-minute collection. "Everyone say, 'Lord, tell me what to give in this offering tonight,'" Angley implored the crowd. "Wouldn't you rather give your money to God," he bellowed, "than to doctors and drugstores?" Swayne wondered to himself, if all the money goes to God, where does God do his banking, and how large must those accounts be?
Swayne's girlfriend insisted he participate in the healing ceremony to cure a back injury suffered doing construction. This is always the highlight of Angley's services where he lays hands on the afflicted to cast out their various illnesses. Swayne reluctantly took his place in line amidst a cavalcade of neck braces, slings and crutches. When it was his turn, the preacher seized Swayne by the shoulders and with a shrieking "Heeeaaalllll!" smacked him in the forehead with a force at least equivalent to the blow that felled Saint Paul at Damascus. With knees locked, Swayne fell backward in what appeared to be a holy swoon, directly into the arms of one of Angley's burly bouncers. Angley chortled: "He felt that, all right."
In fact, the blow rendered Swayne unconscious. After several minutes of Swayne lying on the floor, even Angley thought he was overacting. "Move him out of here," the preacher said to a bouncer, sotto voce. Swayne was carried to the back of the church where a crowd of believers gathered around him, realizing something was wrong. A wheelchair-bound man jumped up and dashed over to help. "I was an Army medic," he said. "Someone should call an ambulance."
That suggestion was met with icy glares. The rest of the believers knew instantly there was only one cure possible. They placed Swayne on a gurney, and back in line they carried him to be healed. Several of the "afflicted" allowed Swayne's entourage to cut ahead, and when they approached Angley, the preacher gave no indication he recognized Swayne. The great man leaned over to Swayne's left ear and slowly shouted, "Can you say 'bay-bay?'" Rarely had northeast Ohio ever heard the word "baby" pronounced in this manner. Angley repeated even louder, "Can you say, 'bay-bay?'" Swayne was motionless. Then Angley seized him by the head and spoke in a language no one from these parts, or likely any other parts, had ever heard. Then came the shrieking "Heeeaaalllll!" and yet another blow to the forehead. Angley slumped into a chair as if all the energy had been zapped from his body.
Suddenly, Swayne's eyes opened, and he rose from the gurney. His back felt better, too.
Swayne's girlfriend clutched his arm and guided him toward the exit. "Aren't you glad I made you go up?" she gushed. Swayne spun his head around on his way out of church, fixating on Angley's toupee, and wondering what to make of the evening.
THIEVES OF MUNCH'S MASTERPIECE "THE SCREAM" SENTENCED TO PRISON
MADONNA FIGHTS FOR ORPHANS
Spokeswomen for both parties say they do not anticipate a rematch, although Struthers has said she would be willing to fight George Foreman in Kinshasa, Zaire later this year for Rumble in the Jungle II, "if the money's right."
MAYOR ANNOUNCES FORMATION OF NEW "GERITOL PITTSBURGH COMMISSION" FOR RESIDENTS 65 AND OLDER
COCA-COLA COMPANY REFORMULATES SECRET RECIPE FOR BOTTLED WATER
FOOD SCIENTISTS REVERSE-ENGINEER CLOSELY GUARDED NEW FORMULA, DETERMINE IT IS TWO PARTS HYDROGEN TO ONE PART OXYGENATLANTA - Twenty-two years to the day that Coca-Cola introduced the reformulated version of its flagship soft drink and called it "New Coke," the Coca-Cola Company today announced that after extensive market research, it has reformulated "Dasani," its popular bottled water brand.
"Our field taste tests revealed that 'New Dasani' overwhelmingly beat both the original 'Dasani' and tap water from Pittsburgh," joked E. Neville Isdell, Chairman of the Coca-Cola Company, at a gala rollout celebration held, fittingly enough, at Fallingwater, the Frank Lloyd Wright designed house built over a waterfall in Western Pennsylvania. Isdell explained that the company selected April 23 for the premiere to commemorate the "electrifying reaction" to "New Coke" twenty-two years ago.
Independent food scientists reverse-engineered the new formula, a closely held trade secret known only to a few employees of the company, and claim they've determined it consists of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. But Isdell warned amateur sleuths not to try this. "If they accidentally split one of those hydrogen atoms, we could have a nuclear cataclysm," Isdell said.
AMERICAN SPACE TOURIST FURIOUS WHEN HE LEARNS HE DIDN'T GET BEST FARE
CROSBY SAYS BROKEN FOOT 'ONLY A FLESH WOUND,' WILL KEEP IT BROKEN FOR NEXT SEASON
Crosby said he's intent on proving that he is "the greatest player in the history of the game" by playing all next season with a broken foot. He said he will not allow the foot completely heal but will continually break it. "I'll take a sledge hammer to it and keep it in a constant broken state." As he was speaking, Crosby pulled out a small hatchet and chopped off a toe on his good foot, the right one. He used a towel to stop the bleeding and continued the interview as if nothing had happened. His only reference to this act of mayhem was to apologize for using the towel. "The arena doesn't like it when I get blood all over their locker room."
"I might even break both feet while I'm at it," the 19-year old superstar said. "I'm also thinking of gouging out one of my eyes," he winked.
"PRODUCERS" ENDS HISTORIC BROADWAY RUN
City scraps expensive health plan, new managed care to consist solely of first aid kit in city cafeteria
PITTSBURGH - In a move expected to save the city tens of millions of dollars a year, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that Pittsburgh will no longer offer its employees the generous health benefits it has provided for decades. Instead, the city is going to "a different kind of managed health care plan; namely, the first aid kit in the city cafeteria." Ravenstahl said that the high cost of health care was "killing" the city because employees were running to the doctor "even for preventive medicine."
The new plan will adequately service the vast majority of maladies, he explained. "We have bandages, headache medications and pills for stomach aches." The mayor said the new health plan will render treatment more accessible than ever. "No more waiting to get in to see your physician. Now, just open the first aid kit and reach for the cure."
COMMENTARY: LESLIE BONCI IS OUR KIND OF NUTRITIONIST
“Darn it, it tastes good, so bring it on,” is the message we all want to hearPITTSBURGH -- Deep down, we all know a lot of foods aren’t good for us. But we don’t take kindly to “food police” who constantly harangue us about all the poor choices we make and tell us how much fat, sodium and sugar we’re eating every day.
Enter Leslie Bonci, director of sports nutrition at UPMC. When Hostess Snacks announced that Pittsburgh leads the nation in Ho Ho consumption, she didn’t start ranting about the local eating habits. Although she pointed out the Ho Hos’ hydrogenated fats and calories in a Post-Gazette interview, she also played up her Pittsburgh heritage and said, “[T]his is just fun food. Darn it, it tastes good.”
FBI Profiler Reveals Virginia Tech Shooter 'Just a Mean Little Prick, Nothing More'
BLACKSBURG, Va. - A forensic psychiatrist with the FBI's national Crime Laboratory has issued a preliminary report into Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui, based on a review of tapes the mass killer sent to NBC news."This is just a mean little prick," said Dr. Harold Gunderson. "He rants and raves about terrible things that were done to him. But you know what? It just looks like he was a self-absorbed, pity obsessed little dipshit. Thank God nobody has to deal with him." Dr. Gunderson's analysis was seconded by a paper issued by a team of researchers at Johns Hopkins Medical School who said Cho was likely suffering "not enough at all" in the tapes and suggested that "sometimes there are evil little bastards who do horrible things. What's the big mystery here? Hasn't anybody ever heard of Stalin?"
The findings prompted the cancellation of a planned radio broadcast of Cho's play "Richard McBeef." A spokesman for the High Horse Arts Theatre of the Air said the organization has rethought its earlier conclusion that the play is the work of a tormented genius. "Turns out it does suck," said High Horse artistic director Clyde St. Pierre. "My initial instincts were correct. I feel better, but I know I shouldn't."
AL SHARPTON DENOUNCES PITTSBURGH'S LOVE OF HO-HO'S
SIMON COWELL DENIES ROLLING EYES BECAUSE OF MENTION OF VIRGINIA TECH VICTIMS
SMITHFIELD STREET SHOOTING PROMPTS COPYCAT HYSTERIA AT POINT PARK UNIVERSITY
BUSH SHOOTS BACK ON GUN CONTROL
WASHINGTON - In a mid-day news conference, President Bush repeated his stance that in the wake of the Virginia Tech tragedy, "now is not the time to talk about gun control. Emotions are running high and this is something that requires reasonable debate." (He is pictured above, advising Congress to "back away slowly" from the gun control issue.)Utilizing this same logic, the president also announced that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales would be unavailable to speak to congressional investigators regarding the probe into the firing of eight federal attorneys. "Again, we are facing that high emotions problem right now; specifically, emotions are running high. And I feel it's best to postpone any hearings until we can talk about it in a civil fashion."
CHO SEUNG-HUI SENT VIDEO WITH FANTASTIC RANTINGS TO THIS NEWS SOURCE
ZOO WARNS VISITORS NOT TO BOND WITH CHIMP BY MAKING EYE CONTACT, AND NOT TO LEND HIM ANY MONEY
ANTWERP, Belgium - The Antwerp Zoo is urging visitors not to bond with a certain chimpanzee named Cheetah by making eye contact with him. "But more important," said zoo spokeswoman Ilse Segers, "under no circumstances should visitors loan Cheetah money." The zoo claims that Cheetah has bilked unsuspecting visitors out of thousands of dollars that he never intends to repay by passing worthless promissory notes.
"It is for very good reason Cheetah is behind bars," Ms. Segers cautioned.
MAYOR: ABSENCE OF MEANINGFUL ELECTION WON'T CHANGE ACCESSIBILITY TO VOTERS, PRESS
DOWNTOWN TO GET EMERGENCY EVACUATION PLAN BY 2009
AND NOW, LIVE, WITH MOTHER FRANGELICA!
[APPLAUSE] Mother Frangelica: A reading from the letter of Paul Steigerwald to the Corinthians.
In the beginning Caesar Rendell issued a proclamation that there would be no new taxes for an arena but he would miraculously pull the money out of his enormous ass [aside] of course, in the Bible, “ass” means “donkey.”
And, lo, the earthly work of Mario Lemieux, the savior of hockey in Pittsburgh, was finished, and he was lifted up into a cloud. And behold, two men in white garments told the fans: “This Mario has been taken into heaven.”
And the fans asked them if they were angels. And they said, “No, we’re escaped inmates from the hospital for the criminally insane.”
Listen to Mother's talk as part of this newscast.
DOG EATS WHITE HOUSE EMAILS
REPORT: "MOST WHO CLAIM TO BE VICTIMS OF IDENTITY THEFT ARE THE KIND OF PEOPLE NO ONE ELSE WOULD WANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE"
WASHINGTON - A new FBI report concluded that legitimate cases of "identity theft" are extremely rare and that most people who claim to be victims are "wacko fringe members of society are so seriously deranged that no self-respecting criminal would want to steal their identity in the first place."FBI Director Robert Mueller said: "Our study shows that the people who make these claims are usually the same ones who claim they were abducted by aliens. In some rare cases, they claim the aliens also stole their identity."
The study concludes that given the slight risk of legitimate identity theft, there is no necessity to refuse to give out personal information on the internet; shred documents containing personal information; or avoid opening unsolicited emails.
EXCAVATION AT POINT STATE PARK HITS UPON SOMETHING WOODEN














