LEE HARVEY OSWALD HOLDS RARE PRESS CONFERENCE, SAYS SEUNG-HUI CHO'S 'TELL-ALL' VIDEO CONFESSION SHOWS 'NO SELF-RESPECT'

JFK KILLER CONTRASTS "BRAGGART" CHO WITH HIS OWN STEADFAST DENIALS OF GUILT

BENGALS LOOK TO THE BIG HOUSE

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Bengals are planning to bypass much of the college football talent available in this year's NFL draft and instead focus on prospects from the prison and court systems. "Team chemistry is important" said team owner Mike Brown. "Both the coaching staff and the criminal justice system feel that the Bengals are something special and we want to keep that going." Brown says the team has been focusing on areas where rookies can come in and contribute right away: "armed robbery, battery, domestic assault and of course, we need a big time drug dealer." (Shown above are prospects arriving at the Bengals' training facility for a pre-draft combine.)

In other news, the Bengals have reportedly added Tyrone Smith to their administrative staff as Bail-Bondsman. Smith was previously Bail-Bondsman for the Oakland Raiders.

ROSIE O'DONNELL, BOOTED FROM 'THE VIEW,' GOES ON NYC RAMPAGE

Army, Air Force battle angry, giant comedian

MISS AMERICA PAGEANT ADDS ENTRAPMENT TO TALENT COMPETITION

BORIS YELTSIN'S BODY GOES ON PERMANENT DISPLAY NEXT TO LENIN'S IN RED SQUARE

UNDERTAKER SAYS NOTHING NEEDED TO PRESERVE BODY SINCE YELTSIN HAS BEEN EMBALMING HIMSELF FOR YEARS

WHITE HOUSE ATTRIBUTES GONZALES' INABILITY TO RECALL AT CONGRESSIONAL HEARING TO COCONUT CONK ON HEAD

BUSH WILL ATTEMPT TO RESTORE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S MEMORY WITH SECOND BLOW TO HEAD, BORROWING FROM EPISODE OF GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

DONATIONS TO THIS YEAR'S CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL TELETHON TO DEFRAY COST OF UPMC'S MOVE TO US STEEL TOWER

CEO JEFF ROMOFF: "THE KIDS HAVE BEEN TELLING ME FOR YEARS WE OUGHT TO MOVE INTO PLUSH OFFICES IN THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT. SO THIS MOVE IS REALLY FOR THEM."

NFL CALLS EXPERIMENT USING SMALL CHILDREN INSTEAD OF FOOTBALLS 'UNQUALIFIED SUCCESS'


AL GORE, SPOTTED LEAVING D.C. ITALIAN RESTAURANT, BLAMES HEARTBURN ON BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S GLOBAL WARMING POLICY

COMPANY GETS RICH PUBLISHING PHYSICIAN WAITING ROOM MAGAZINES THAT ONLY APPEAR TO BE OUTDATED

NEW YORK - If you've ever tried to kill time in your doctor's waiting room by reading magazines that seemed to be several months old, chances are those magazines were, in fact, brand new.

Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati is the world's largest publisher of seemingly outdated, brand-name magazines exclusively for doctors' waiting rooms.
"It surprises people when we tell them that our magazines are new but that we purposely make them appear to be four to six months old," said Pyramid's CEO Benjamin Cardozo. "We intentionally fill them with old news, and we make the covers appear to be worn, sometimes even missing."

Pyramid has seen its business of selling new "old" magazines quadruple in the past five years. "I can't print new 'old' magazines fast enough," said Cardozo. The obvious question is, why do physicians buy magazines that appear to be outdated? Cardozo explained that there are two reasons. "First, is theft. Up-to-date magazines wouldn't last more than a day or two before someone 'borrowed' them. Second, patients have come to expect old magazines in waiting rooms. The fact is, any doctor with magazines that appear to be new is viewed as suspect, maybe even incompetent. So it's a trust issue."

Cardozo says that some physicians pay a little more to have Pyramid simulate an address label that appears to have been removed to obscure the address. "This gives the illusion that the doctor cares enough about his or her patients to actually bring magazines from home," says Cardozo.

GONZALES RECOVERS FROM AMNESIA; WILL STAY ON

WASHINGTON -- A Justice Department spokesman told reporters this morning that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has made a complete recovery from his incidents of memory loss and amnesia. The recovery has been characterized by his doctors as “nothing short of a miracle.”

Clearly overjoyed by the news, acting White House press secretary Dana Perino told reporters that “Alberto [Gonzales] will stay on as Attorney General." Perino added that “even the President has experienced large gaps of memory loss over a period of years, but it has not prevented him from serving the people of this great nation.”

Moments after Perino finished addressing reporters, Gonzales entered the room for a photo session at which he clearly remembered the President.

“They thought that I would never remember anything again,” said Gonzales. "But thanks to the prayers of this administration and the American people, except for a few personnel meetings last year, I can now remember everything, and I am ready to serve.”

EMBATTLED WORLD BANK PREZ WOLFOWITZ DIVERTS ATTENTION FROM SCANDAL, ANNOUNCES WORLD BANK TO GIVE FREE CHECKING AND TOASTERS WITH EVERY NEW ACCOUNT

EARTH DAY RECAP: TANKER LOADED WITH OIL, PESTICIDE, INSECTICIDE, NUCLEAR WASTE RAMS RACHEL CARSON BRIDGE, SINKS

PITTSBURGH - A tanker carrying millions of barrels filled with a highly toxic mixture of petroleum, insecticide, pesticide and radioactive nuclear waste rammed one of the columns of the Rachel Carson Bridge Sunday morning. “The Edmund Fitzgerald Jr.,” bound for the Chem-Lawn Warehouse on Neville Island, sank in less than five minutes. There are reports the captain of the vessel was traveling at a high rate of speed in an effort to get his cargo to the warehouse before dandelions and other grass-defiling plants take root in suburban lawns.

Phone calls to the Chem-Lawn Warehouse were not returned.

The incident occurred a year to the day the Ninth Street Bridge was renamed to honor the legacy of the local woman whose books, “Silent Spring” and “Silent Spring, Part Two” helped raise public awareness of environmental issues. The renaming was consistent with Western Pennsylvania's official policy of only renaming structures for Pittsburghers who fled the city prior to or upon achieving fame.

Allegheny County River Force Chairman John Craig said the effects of the spill on fish and plant life along the river would be “devastating.”

“Even worse,” Craig added, “We now have to be concerned about the possibility of hideous, menacing, genetic mutations forming from the combination of nuclear waste and aquatic life. If you’ve ever seen The Beast From Twenty Thousand Fathoms, you know what I'm talking about," he winked.

In an effort to calm a jittery public, Mayor Ravenstahl asked Police Chief Nate Harper to institute riverfront police patrols in an effort to thwart potential riverfront assaults on citizens from any homicidal Monster-Fish that may emerge from the water. Cleanup from the accident, according to a spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers, is expected to take years.

ERNEST ANGLEY HEALS MAN'S CONCUSSION BROUGHT ON WHEN ANGLEY 'HEALED' HIM BY SMACKING HIM ON FOREHEAD

CUYAHOGA FALLS, Ohio - Last Saturday evening, 24-year old Noah Swayne decided to impress his girlfriend so he attended a healing service with her at Grace Cathedral in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, presided over by the Rev. Ernest Angley, the stocky, toupee-wearing televangelist from rural North Carolina who sounds like a cross between Lawrence Welk and Gomer Pyle.

The first part of the service consisted of Angley conducting a 40-minute collection. "Everyone say, 'Lord, tell me what to give in this offering tonight,'" Angley implored the crowd. "Wouldn't you rather give your money to God," he bellowed, "than to doctors and drugstores?" Swayne wondered to himself, if all the money goes to God, where does God do his banking, and how large must those accounts be?

Swayne's girlfriend insisted he participate in the healing ceremony to cure a back injury suffered doing construction. This is always the highlight of Angley's services where he lays hands on the afflicted to cast out their various illnesses. Swayne reluctantly took his place in line amidst a cavalcade of neck braces, slings and crutches. When it was his turn, the preacher seized Swayne by the shoulders and with a shrieking "Heeeaaalllll!" smacked him in the forehead with a force at least equivalent to the blow that felled Saint Paul at Damascus. With knees locked, Swayne fell backward in what appeared to be a holy swoon, directly into the arms of one of Angley's burly bouncers. Angley chortled: "He felt that, all right."

In fact, the blow rendered Swayne unconscious. After several minutes of Swayne lying on the floor, even Angley thought he was overacting. "Move him out of here," the preacher said to a bouncer, sotto voce. Swayne was carried to the back of the church where a crowd of believers gathered around him, realizing something was wrong. A wheelchair-bound man jumped up and dashed over to help. "I was an Army medic," he said. "Someone should call an ambulance."

That suggestion was met with icy glares. The rest of the believers knew instantly there was only one cure possible. They placed Swayne on a gurney, and back in line they carried him to be healed. Several of the "afflicted" allowed Swayne's entourage to cut ahead, and when they approached Angley, the preacher gave no indication he recognized Swayne. The great man leaned over to Swayne's left ear and slowly shouted, "Can you say 'bay-bay?'" Rarely had northeast Ohio ever heard the word "baby" pronounced in this manner. Angley repeated even louder, "Can you say, 'bay-bay?'" Swayne was motionless. Then Angley seized him by the head and spoke in a language no one from these parts, or likely any other parts, had ever heard. Then came the shrieking "Heeeaaalllll!" and yet another blow to the forehead. Angley slumped into a chair as if all the energy had been zapped from his body.

Suddenly, Swayne's eyes opened, and he rose from the gurney. His back felt better, too.

"Praise the Lord," exclaimed Angley to the applause of the congregation. "Another believer healed."

Swayne's girlfriend clutched his arm and guided him toward the exit. "Aren't you glad I made you go up?" she gushed. Swayne spun his head around on his way out of church, fixating on Angley's toupee, and wondering what to make of the evening.

ANNA NICOLE'S MOTHER ABANDONS CUSTODY FIGHT FOR GRANDDAUGHTER, WILL TRAVEL TO AFRICA WITH MADONNA TO SNAG "BRAND NEW CHILD"

THIEVES OF MUNCH'S MASTERPIECE "THE SCREAM" SENTENCED TO PRISON

HERE IS ONE OF THE THIEVES IN PRISON SHOWER

THE BRAVE NASA PHOTOGRAPHER WHO TOOK THIS FIRST-EVER 3D PICTURE OF THE SUN IS NOW BLIND

HATS OFF TO HIM!

MADONNA FIGHTS FOR ORPHANS

MALAWI - What should have been a peaceful visit to a cash-strapped orphanage was marred when fighting erupted between Madonna and Sally Struthers in Malawi. Then Madonna and her entourage arrived, "just to browse," Struthers accused Madonna of using her pop star status to strip the impoverished continent of starving children. The shouting escalated as the two Americans nearly tore a three-year-old boy in half, then fought viciously over who was "the better humanitarian."

Clearly overmatched against the massive Struthers, Madonna quickly switched to a southpaw stance and kept Struthers at bay with a series of stinging jabs. It appeared almost certain that the pop star's superior conditioning would carry the fight. But then Struthers backed Madonna into a mud hut and took over the match with a pile driver in the hard-packed dirt that knocked the material girl senseless. Struthers then pancaked Madonna and the bout was over. Pandemonium ensued as Struthers hurled folding chairs at members of Madonna's entourage as they attempted to pull her to safety.

Spokeswomen for both parties say they do not anticipate a rematch, although Struthers has said she would be willing to fight George Foreman in Kinshasa, Zaire later this year for Rumble in the Jungle II, "if the money's right."

MAYOR ANNOUNCES FORMATION OF NEW "GERITOL PITTSBURGH COMMISSION" FOR RESIDENTS 65 AND OLDER

LUKE RAVENSTAHL SAYS AS SOON AS HE THINKS OF CLEVER NAMES FOR OTHER AGE GROUPS YET TO BE REPRESENTED IN HIS MASTER PLAN TO RETAIN PITTSBURGHERS, HE WILL FORM MORE COMMISSIONS
Seniors at Carnegie Library in Oakland work on detailed reports for Mayor Luke Ravenstahl on their initiative to retain the elderly. According to spokesperson Elizabeth Henrietta, the group has accomplished more in one afternoon than the coveted "40 and under" leagues have in five years. "Unless you count keeping the local bars in business," she chuckled

COCA-COLA COMPANY REFORMULATES SECRET RECIPE FOR BOTTLED WATER

FOOD SCIENTISTS REVERSE-ENGINEER CLOSELY GUARDED NEW FORMULA, DETERMINE IT IS TWO PARTS HYDROGEN TO ONE PART OXYGEN

ATLANTA - Twenty-two years to the day that Coca-Cola introduced the reformulated version of its flagship soft drink and called it "New Coke," the Coca-Cola Company today announced that after extensive market research, it has reformulated "Dasani," its popular bottled water brand.

"Our field taste tests revealed that 'New Dasani' overwhelmingly beat both the original 'Dasani' and tap water from Pittsburgh," joked E. Neville Isdell, Chairman of the Coca-Cola Company, at a gala rollout celebration held, fittingly enough, at Fallingwater, the Frank Lloyd Wright designed house built over a waterfall in Western Pennsylvania. Isdell explained that the company selected April 23 for the premiere to commemorate the "electrifying reaction" to "New Coke" twenty-two years ago.

Independent food scientists reverse-engineered the new formula, a closely held trade secret known only to a few employees of the company, and claim they've determined it consists of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. But Isdell warned amateur sleuths not to try this. "If they accidentally split one of those hydrogen atoms, we could have a nuclear cataclysm," Isdell said.

AMERICAN SPACE TOURIST FURIOUS WHEN HE LEARNS HE DIDN'T GET BEST FARE

MOSCOW - Charles Simonyi, the American billionaire who paid $25 million to journey into space on a Russian spacecraft, is furious after learning that the passenger next to him paid a small fraction of that amount because he booked his flight on line.

CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS RETAINS ALEC BALDWIN TO HELP DRAFT RESOLUTION DIRECTED TO BUSH TO WITHDRAW TROOPS FROM IRAQ

SAM WALTON'S WIDOW DIES, IS FIRST TO BE BURIED FROM WAL-MART'S LATEST ADDITION TO STORE: SAM'S FUNERAL HOME AND GRAVEYARD

CROSBY SAYS BROKEN FOOT 'ONLY A FLESH WOUND,' WILL KEEP IT BROKEN FOR NEXT SEASON

PITTSBURGH -- NHL scoring champion Sidney Crosby played the final 2 1/2 weeks of the regular season and the playoffs with a broken left foot, an injury the Pittsburgh Penguins star didn't disclose until Saturday.

Crosby said he's intent on proving that he is "the greatest player in the history of the game" by playing all next season with a broken foot. He said he will not allow the foot completely heal but will continually break it. "I'll take a sledge hammer to it and keep it in a constant broken state." As he was speaking, Crosby pulled out a small hatchet and chopped off a toe on his good foot, the right one. He used a towel to stop the bleeding and continued the interview as if nothing had happened. His only reference to this act of mayhem was to apologize for using the towel. "The arena doesn't like it when I get blood all over their locker room."

"I might even break both feet while I'm at it," the 19-year old superstar said. "I'm also thinking of gouging out one of my eyes," he winked.

"PRODUCERS" ENDS HISTORIC BROADWAY RUN

MEL BROOKS FACES CRIMINAL CHARGES AS NUMEROUS INVESTORS STEP FORWARD, EACH CLAIMING THEY OWN 100% OF SHOW

City scraps expensive health plan, new managed care to consist solely of first aid kit in city cafeteria

PITTSBURGH - In a move expected to save the city tens of millions of dollars a year, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that Pittsburgh will no longer offer its employees the generous health benefits it has provided for decades. Instead, the city is going to "a different kind of managed health care plan; namely, the first aid kit in the city cafeteria."

Ravenstahl said that the high cost of health care was "killing" the city because employees were running to the doctor "even for preventive medicine."

The new plan will adequately service the vast majority of maladies, he explained. "We have bandages, headache medications and pills for stomach aches." The mayor said the new health plan will render treatment more accessible than ever. "No more waiting to get in to see your physician. Now, just open the first aid kit and reach for the cure."

BIN LADEN UPSET WITH PACE OF CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS; NOT EXPECTED TO ATTEND TERRORIST MINI-CAMP IN PAKISTAN; AL-QAEDA MANAGEMENT FEARS LONG HOLDOUT

COMMENTARY: LESLIE BONCI IS OUR KIND OF NUTRITIONIST

“Darn it, it tastes good, so bring it on,” is the message we all want to hear

PITTSBURGH -- Deep down, we all know a lot of foods aren’t good for us. But we don’t take kindly to “food police” who constantly harangue us about all the poor choices we make and tell us how much fat, sodium and sugar we’re eating every day.


Enter Leslie Bonci, director of sports nutrition at UPMC. When Hostess Snacks announced that Pittsburgh leads the nation in Ho Ho consumption, she didn’t start ranting about the local eating habits. Although she pointed out the Ho Hos’ hydrogenated fats and calories in a Post-Gazette interview, she also played up her Pittsburgh heritage and said, “[T]his is just fun food. Darn it, it tastes good.”

That kind of attitude coming from a nutritionist is refreshing. Other experts may berate her for her stand, but we salute Ms. Bonci, and we’ll be sure to follow her “bring it on” admonition.

FBI Profiler Reveals Virginia Tech Shooter 'Just a Mean Little Prick, Nothing More'

BLACKSBURG, Va. - A forensic psychiatrist with the FBI's national Crime Laboratory has issued a preliminary report into Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui, based on a review of tapes the mass killer sent to NBC news.

"This is just a mean little prick," said Dr. Harold Gunderson. "He rants and raves about terrible things that were done to him. But you know what? It just looks like he was a self-absorbed, pity obsessed little dipshit. Thank God nobody has to deal with him." Dr. Gunderson's analysis was seconded by a paper issued by a team of researchers at Johns Hopkins Medical School who said Cho was likely suffering "not enough at all" in the tapes and suggested that "sometimes there are evil little bastards who do horrible things. What's the big mystery here? Hasn't anybody ever heard of Stalin?"

The findings prompted the cancellation of a planned radio broadcast of Cho's play "Richard McBeef." A spokesman for the High Horse Arts Theatre of the Air said the organization has rethought its earlier conclusion that the play is the work of a tormented genius. "Turns out it does suck," said High Horse artistic director Clyde St. Pierre. "My initial instincts were correct. I feel better, but I know I shouldn't."

AL SHARPTON DENOUNCES PITTSBURGH'S LOVE OF HO-HO'S

Chicago also under fire: gay groups say the Windy City is the #1 consumer of "offensively-named" Twinkies

SIMON COWELL DENIES ROLLING EYES BECAUSE OF MENTION OF VIRGINIA TECH VICTIMS

ACERBIC AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE CLAIMS HE WAS ROLLING EYES OVER THOUGHT OF 9/11 AND HOLOCAUST VICTIMS

SMITHFIELD STREET SHOOTING PROMPTS COPYCAT HYSTERIA AT POINT PARK UNIVERSITY

COLLEGE GETS TO HAVE A "LOCKDOWN," ALL THE RAGE SINCE VIRGINIA TECH SHOOTINGS; OTHER SCHOOLS FOLLOW SUIT

CAR DEALER BILL BAIERL DIES

UNDERTAKER: "NOW TELL ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO PUT YOU IN THIS HEARSE TODAY, MR. BAIERL."

BIG NEWS AT THE RAVENSTAHLS!

DAD TO TEACH MAYOR LUKE HOW TO SHAVE THIS WEEKEND

BUSH SHOOTS BACK ON GUN CONTROL

WASHINGTON - In a mid-day news conference, President Bush repeated his stance that in the wake of the Virginia Tech tragedy, "now is not the time to talk about gun control. Emotions are running high and this is something that requires reasonable debate." (He is pictured above, advising Congress to "back away slowly" from the gun control issue.)

Utilizing this same logic, the president also announced that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales would be unavailable to speak to congressional investigators regarding the probe into the firing of eight federal attorneys. "Again, we are facing that high emotions problem right now; specifically, emotions are running high. And I feel it's best to postpone any hearings until we can talk about it in a civil fashion."
Turning to Iraq, Bush explained: "As you know, the speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, is highly emotional. She's a lovely lady, nice wife and mother, but given the Virginia Tech situation, she's just too emotional for us to talk to about the problems in Iraq at this time."

The White House hinted that the nation should have an 'Emotions Czar" to investigate ways to address the problem and estimated that abnormally high emotions would not allow substantive discussions on any issue until January 2009.

VA. TECH POLICE CHIEF CAN'T FATHOM THE HATRED THAT WOULD CAUSE SOMEONE TO WRITE, "YOU FORCE ME INTO A CORNER AND HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS"

Chief Noah Swayne wasn't referring to Cho Seung-Hui; he was quoting from a Cheney stump speech.

CHO SEUNG-HUI SENT VIDEO WITH FANTASTIC RANTINGS TO THIS NEWS SOURCE

EDITOR: WE'VE BEEN POSTING THE RANTINGS THE PAST FEW MONTHS, THINKING THEY WERE NEWS TIPS. WE APOLOGIZE TO OUR READERS AND PROMISE THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

JOHN MARK KARR: "I HELPED CHO LOAD HIS WEAPONS"

ZOO WARNS VISITORS NOT TO BOND WITH CHIMP BY MAKING EYE CONTACT, AND NOT TO LEND HIM ANY MONEY

ANTWERP, Belgium - The Antwerp Zoo is urging visitors not to bond with a certain chimpanzee named Cheetah by making eye contact with him.

"But more important," said zoo spokeswoman Ilse Segers, "under no circumstances should visitors loan Cheetah money." The zoo claims that Cheetah has bilked unsuspecting visitors out of thousands of dollars that he never intends to repay by passing worthless promissory notes.

"It is for very good reason Cheetah is behind bars," Ms. Segers cautioned.

AUTHORITIES CONCERNED ABOUT CRYPTIC WORDS INKED ON CHENEY'S ARM

MAYOR: ABSENCE OF MEANINGFUL ELECTION WON'T CHANGE ACCESSIBILITY TO VOTERS, PRESS

He’s inviting all of them to stand behind the barricades along his coronation route next January.

BIN LADEN JOINS CHORUS OF OVERRIDING WORLD OPINION: AMERICA'S GUN CULTURE MUST END

DOWNTOWN TO GET EMERGENCY EVACUATION PLAN BY 2009

City Council passes resolution by 7-2 vote banning surprise terrorist attacks until report is released

AND NOW, LIVE, WITH MOTHER FRANGELICA!

[APPLAUSE]

Mother Frangelica: A reading from the letter of Paul Steigerwald to the Corinthians.

In the beginning Caesar Rendell issued a proclamation that there would be no new taxes for an arena but he would miraculously pull the money out of his enormous ass [aside] of course, in the Bible, “ass” means “donkey.”

And, lo, the earthly work of Mario Lemieux, the savior of hockey in Pittsburgh, was finished, and he was lifted up into a cloud. And behold, two men in white garments told the fans: “This Mario has been taken into heaven.”

And the fans asked them if they were angels. And they said, “No, we’re escaped inmates from the hospital for the criminally insane.”

Listen to Mother's talk as part of this newscast.

DOG EATS WHITE HOUSE EMAILS

WASHINGTON - A congressional panel investigating the firing of eight federal prosecutors authorized subpoenas for additional emails. However, the White House claims that many of the emails may have been "eaten by the dog."

Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino explained: "They have a dog over at the Republican National Committee Headquarters and it has apparently eaten hundreds, if not thousands of emails. It appears that the dog was very fond of emails from Carl Rove and Harriet Meyers." When reporters expressed skepticism at the story surrounding the missing emails, Perino insisted, "It's a really big dog." (The White House provided the above picture of the dog in question.

REPORT: "MOST WHO CLAIM TO BE VICTIMS OF IDENTITY THEFT ARE THE KIND OF PEOPLE NO ONE ELSE WOULD WANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE"

WASHINGTON - A new FBI report concluded that legitimate cases of "identity theft" are extremely rare and that most people who claim to be victims are "wacko fringe members of society are so seriously deranged that no self-respecting criminal would want to steal their identity in the first place."

FBI Director Robert Mueller said: "Our study shows that the people who make these claims are usually the same ones who claim they were abducted by aliens. In some rare cases, they claim the aliens also stole their identity."

The study concludes that given the slight risk of legitimate identity theft, there is no necessity to refuse to give out personal information on the internet; shred documents containing personal information; or avoid opening unsolicited emails.

EXCAVATION AT POINT STATE PARK HITS UPON SOMETHING WOODEN

CITY OFFICIALS IMMEDIATELY ASCERTAINED THAT MAYOR RAVENSTAHL WAS MILES AWAY AND CONCLUDED OBJECT IS NOT HIM

PRINCE WILLIAM ADMITS "STRANGE ATTRACTION" TO DUKE LACROSSE ACCUSER, CRYSTAL GAIL MANGUM

INFATUATION WITH TROUBLED STRIPPER LED TO PRINCE'S BREAK-UP WITH KATE MIDDLETON; ROYALS "CONCERNED" THAT WILLIAM MAY BE SOCIALIZING BENEATH HIS STATION

COREY O'CONNOR COMPLETES FIRST ASSIGNMENT AS "CLEAN PITTSBURGH COMMISSION" MEMBER

PITTSBURGH MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL SAYS O'CONNOR "DID AWESOME JOB ON HIS BATHROOM," IS SLATED TO DO ERIN'S LAUNDRY NEXT