ROMNEY SAYS HE WOULD ONLY PRACTICE POLYGAMY IF FORCED BY HIS MORMON RELIGION
WASHINGTON – In a wide-ranging interview on 60 Minutes, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney addressed his religion and touched on a moral issue that plagued the administration of the husband of one of his potential rivals.“The American people can accept me as a Mormon,” Romney told Mike Wallace, “And I really don't think Polygamy will be an issue unless my religion forces me to start practicing it.”
With a clear reference to President Clinton’s dalliance with Monica Lewinsky, Romney promised he would never cheat on his present wife, as he described her for the camera (see picture) or any others he was obliged to take on. “The [Clinton affair] has no place in the White House – no place at all for [that sort of thing].”
During the interview Romney revealed his great-great grandfather practiced polygamy. "I’m sure I could do it – runs in the family so to speak,” Romney said confidently, “But I imagine it would be hell on earth every 28 days or so. "
CHIHULY GLASS SCULPTURES CAUSE NUMEROUS SMALL FIRES TO BREAK OUT INSIDE PHIPPS CONSERVATORY
“Obviously no one at Phipps used a magnifying glass to set ants on fire as a child, or they would have realized this was gonna happen,” fire marshal saysSCHENLEY PARK -- Phipps Conservatory in Oakland is closed until officials can figure out how to stop light refracting through newly-installed glass sculptures from setting fires inside the historic building. The conservatory spent an undisclosed amount of money to install dozens of glass sculptures by Dale Chihuly throughout the display rooms for the next six months. Although many public gardens have displayed Chihuly’s work without incident, Phipps started having problems as soon as the first pieces went in.
“I’m not sure why we’re having all these fires,” Executive Director Richard Piacentini said today. “Maybe the sunlight coming through the glass roof and then hitting the sculptures is the cause. Maybe it’s the latitude we’re at and the angle of the sun right now. Or maybe light is refracting off all the particulates in Pittsburgh’s air,” he said, referring to the city’s recent poor showing in national air quality rankings. Piacentini had planned to continue discussing the issue with reporters, but he suddenly dashed off in the direction of the Fern Room, carrying a small extinguisher.
A Phipps employee, who asked to be identified only as “Curt,” said he tried to warn managers ahead of time. “I told them, ‘Only YOU can prevent conservatory fires,’ but I guess they thought I was joking. They never listen to me,” he said bitterly. “Once I had this really great idea about having a baby elephant help us move heavy plants around. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime,” Curt said, before suddenly dashing off in the direction of the Victoria Room, carrying a small extinguisher.
In Seattle, Dale Chihuly denied responsibility for the fires. “Hey, I didn’t make those pieces,” he said, referring to the fact that he has not created any of his own work since the 1980’s. “If [Phipps] wants to go after anybody, they should go after my glassblowers. They’re the ones who did it all. I just show up for the exhibit openings.”
For now, Phipps’ managers have no ideas on how to fix the problem. “We’re hoping for a lot of cloudy weather,” Piacentini said. “The plants don’t grow as much when it’s cloudy, but at least they won’t be bursting into flames.”
TOTALED RECALL
WASHINGTON -- High ranking officials at the Justice Department have reported that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales appears to be unable to recall any details of his disastrous appearance before a senate committee just two weeks ago. When Senator John McCain asked Gonzales, "Were you trying to appear stupid or what?" the attorney general replied, "I'm afraid I can't recall." Angry Justice Department staff asked Gonzales, "Do you realize you disgraced the entire department?" His reply: "I'm afraid I can't recall the details." Asked by Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), "Tell me Alberto, just how f*****g stupid are you?" Gonzales stated, "I have searched my memory and I can not recall just how f*****g stupid I am."
Justice Department staffers reported that Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) shook Gonzales by the shoulders and screamed, "Can you remember anything about your pitiful, embarrassing, unbelievably transparent performance? Anything at all???!!!" After reflecting for a moment Gonzales replied, "I have no recollection of the hearings, but I do recall that the President told me I did a heck of a job."
Justice Department staffers reported that Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) shook Gonzales by the shoulders and screamed, "Can you remember anything about your pitiful, embarrassing, unbelievably transparent performance? Anything at all???!!!" After reflecting for a moment Gonzales replied, "I have no recollection of the hearings, but I do recall that the President told me I did a heck of a job."
ADAM LAROCHE GOAL OF 'BATTING HIS AGE' IN JEOPARDY
PITTSBURGH - Pirate first baseman Adam LaRoche appears to be in jeopardy of attaining his preseason goal of batting 027, and acknowledged to reporters yesterday that he may have to reset his goals.
LaRoche’s batting average soared upward to .168 yesterday, due mostly to a fluke multiple hit (3 for 4) game on May 5 against the Milwaukee Brewers. “I tried as hard as possible to avoid making contact with the ball, but [Brewers pitcher Jeff] Suppan kept throwing right at my bat” said LaRoche.
LaRoche joined the Pirates in an off season trade with the Atlanta Braves, and upon learning of the trade, decided that the Pirates would be the ideal team to attempt to “bat his age,” which has never been accomplished by any major league player. LaRoche, also an avid golfer, may instead attempt to earn his PGA tour card while playing first base for the Pirates. “If I can get my average to below .072, I may make one of the PGA qualifiers later this year,” said LaRoche.
US AIRWAYS PILOTS’ SILENT PROTEST GREETED BY APPLAUSE, CHEERS FROM PASSENGERS
PASSENGERS ASSUMED PILOTS PLANNED TO END MINDLESS CHATTER IN FLIGHTPITTSBURGH – About seventy-five US Airways pilots staged a silent informational protest at the Pittsburgh International Airport to call attention to the lack of progress in combining US Airways and the former American West pilots into a single contract.
But they didn’t receive the reaction from passengers they were expecting. Some clapped; others cheered mockingly as the pilots stood in stony silence. “At first I thought they supported us in our quest. After all, these are desperate times – some of us are barely making low six-figure salaries nowadays,” said veteran pilot Horace Gray (pictured above), “But then, I heard what those [people] were saying as they clapped.”
Apparently, the passengers thought the silent pilots were planning to be quiet in the airplane as well.
“I do wish they would shut up,” complained passenger Salena Zito as she was about to board a flight to Washington, DC, “Their chatter is endless – ‘We’ve reached cruising altitude' – 'I’m turning off the fasten seatbelt sign' – 'Out of the right side of the plane you can see Charleston, West Virginia.’ How can I get any sleep?” In contrast to the reaction to the pilots, Zito’s comments brought genuine applause form some nearby passengers.
Gray was so infuriated by the turn of events that he threatened to take the passengers up on their suggestions. “OK, no more talking on my airplane -- and that includes speaking with air traffic control.”
O.J. SIMPSON STARVES TO DEATH AS U.S. RESTAURANTS, GROCERS AGREE NOT TO SERVE HIM
EMACIATED EX-NFL STAR COULDN'T EVEN BUM A MEAL; CELEBRATION TONIGHT AT TRAILBLAZER JEFF RUBY'S STEAKHOUSE IN LOUISVILLE
BROWNBACK MAKES IMPRESSION IN WISCONSIN, GETS PELTED WITH CHEESE
LAKE GENEVA, Wis. - GOP presidential hopeful Sen. Sam Brownback drew boos, groans and a hail of string cheese Friday at the Wisconsin Republican Party convention when he used a football analogy to talk about the need to focus on families. Brownback explained what has become the backbone of his presidential campaign message: "Families are like a football team. Dads are the head coach, mom's are like the offensive coordinator, kids are like questionable draft choices that grow into franchise players whose behavior embarrasses the entire organization, then they demand exorbitant sums of money, straining the resources of the team, threatening the stability of the organization. But I digress."
Forgetting he was in Green Bay Packer country, Brownback said, "This is fundamental blocking and tackling. This is your line in football. If you don’t have a line, how many passes can Peyton Manning complete? Greatest quarterback, maybe, in NFL history."
Mistaking the cheese hitting the stage and podium for enthusiastic approval, Brownback continued, "Peyton Manning can beat any team any day, because his teammates are like family. The Bengals are a more dysfunctional family, but they are still a family. And how about those Bears, going all the way to the Super Bowl!!!"
A brick of sharp cheddar whistled past Brownback's head, snapping him out of his reverie. An aide hustled on stage and explained the gaffe to the befuddled candidate. Senator Brownback tried to recover. "Oops, wrong team to mention in Wisconsin. But you understand what I'm saying. Once I'm president, we'll rebuild the American family through trades, draft choices, training camps and prayer and the Packers will win the Super Bowl!!!" The crowd sat in stunned silence until a chunk of brie hit Brownback in the chest, bringing some enthusiastic cheers.
Following the appearance, Brownback fired his Analogy Consultant and scrapped plans for his Pittsburgh appearance where he planned to use a "Bill Belichek is maybe the greatest coach in NFL history" analogy. His campaign will repackage Brownback's family theme using an analogy they feel will work with any audience, "Life is like a box of chocolates."
Mistaking the cheese hitting the stage and podium for enthusiastic approval, Brownback continued, "Peyton Manning can beat any team any day, because his teammates are like family. The Bengals are a more dysfunctional family, but they are still a family. And how about those Bears, going all the way to the Super Bowl!!!"
A brick of sharp cheddar whistled past Brownback's head, snapping him out of his reverie. An aide hustled on stage and explained the gaffe to the befuddled candidate. Senator Brownback tried to recover. "Oops, wrong team to mention in Wisconsin. But you understand what I'm saying. Once I'm president, we'll rebuild the American family through trades, draft choices, training camps and prayer and the Packers will win the Super Bowl!!!" The crowd sat in stunned silence until a chunk of brie hit Brownback in the chest, bringing some enthusiastic cheers.
Following the appearance, Brownback fired his Analogy Consultant and scrapped plans for his Pittsburgh appearance where he planned to use a "Bill Belichek is maybe the greatest coach in NFL history" analogy. His campaign will repackage Brownback's family theme using an analogy they feel will work with any audience, "Life is like a box of chocolates."
BLAIR CALLS FOR COALITION OF THE UNEMPLOYED
TRIMDON, England - Prime Minister Tony Blair announced last week he would step down as Britain's Prime Minister on June 27. Today he called for President Bush to join him in forming "a coalition of the unemployed."
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BUSH TAILORS ST. VINCENT COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS TO WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA AUDIENCE
President Bush tailored his commencement address at St. Vincent College to a Western Pennsylvania audience.
The title of his speech: “Good luck to younz gettin’ a job in tahn.”
DISNEY OUTRAGED OVER HAMAS TV'S HATE-MONGERING MICKEY MOUSE-LOOKALIKE: 'WHERE'S THE PRODUCT TIE-IN?'
TO COUNTER THE ANTI-SEMITISM, THE REAL MICKEY MOUSE SAYS HE WILL BE CIRCUMCISED AND MADE AN HONORARY JEW. "ONE SLIP OF THE KNIFE, AND I'LL BE A FALSETTO," FAMOUS RODENT QUIPS
CHENEY TO VISIT MIDDLE EAST – WITH BARNEY AND MR. MCFEELEY
WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney departs on a weeklong mission to the Middle East on Tuesday to capitalize on the momentum created by a recent visit there by Secretary of State Condoleezza.
A senior administration official said President Bush asked Cheney to go largely because of his sparkling personality. He said, "This is our chance - the vice has a way with people, ya know. Nobody brightens up a room like Dick Cheney.”
To complement Cheney's lighthearted persona and demonstrate the administration is sincere about bringing peace to the region, Barney, the purple dinosaur, and Mr. McFeeley from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood will accompany the vice president.
The trio plans to deliver a message of love the administration feels cannot miss with the even the most reluctant Arabs. Barney adapted his well know “I love you – you love me” song for a new audience: “We love the Iraqi's, the Iraqi's love us. We’re a happy family.” And, McFeeley will be delivering hand-drawn card and pictures from American children to each Arab leader.
A senior administration official said President Bush asked Cheney to go largely because of his sparkling personality. He said, "This is our chance - the vice has a way with people, ya know. Nobody brightens up a room like Dick Cheney.”
To complement Cheney's lighthearted persona and demonstrate the administration is sincere about bringing peace to the region, Barney, the purple dinosaur, and Mr. McFeeley from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood will accompany the vice president.
The trio plans to deliver a message of love the administration feels cannot miss with the even the most reluctant Arabs. Barney adapted his well know “I love you – you love me” song for a new audience: “We love the Iraqi's, the Iraqi's love us. We’re a happy family.” And, McFeeley will be delivering hand-drawn card and pictures from American children to each Arab leader.
The administration official said, “Those middle eastern leaders won’t be able to resist the vice president’s charm – talk about shock and awe!"
Commencement speaker calls graduates "a generation of nitwits"
PITTSBURGH - Judge Rufus Peckham, founder and editor of The Carbolic Smoke Ball, was both widely praised and widely criticized for his controversial commencement address at Carnegie Mellon University yesterday, sometimes by the same person. Following his two minute address, the audience sat in stunned silence. The Judge took umbrage at the suggestion that his address was intended as a gag. Here is the verbatim transcript of the address:Allow me to break with tradition and tell you that I am not happy, I am not honored to be here today. I say this fully cognizant that, one, it may make you uncomfortable, and two, your entire existence revolves around your comfort.
You see, I stand before a generation of nitwits, and I am ashamed of you.
You know less, and you care less, about current events and history than any generation of the past century.
You have a firm belief that you must share every inane thought with an equally dim-witted friend on your cell phones, spilling your essence upon one another like a schoolboy's first encounter with the village trollop.
You have no ability to think critically, and you desecrate the language of Shakespeare and Dickens with your foul language and inappropriate and repetitious use of the word "like." You have such difficulty expressing yourself in writing that you resort to "emoticons," which have less sophistication than caveman drawings.
Your "music" has more in common with the primitive beat of the tribal tom-tom than with the Germanic symphonic tradition that cultured people of Western civilization have long held as the standard.
Your taste in art, literature and motion pictures is non-existent.
You have abandoned religion because it does not add to you immediate gratification, and because religion disapproves of conduct you freely engage in that does add to your immediate gratification.
You turn your bodies into grotesque pin cushions with vile piercings and profane tattoos. The young women dress as hookers, yet insist they be treated with dignity. The young men primp and preen and smell like girls, and have morphed themselves into video game-playing drag queens by pruning their torsos and nether-regions to resemble hairless rats.
In short, you have disgraced our nation and defiled our culture. I, for one, am very sorry indeed that this institution has seen fit to let you loose on polite society.
In any event, congratulations.
KHOMEINI ESTATE FAILS TO RENEW COPYRIGHT ON “THE GREAT SATAN”; LUCRATIVE ANTI-AMERICAN INSULT TO FALL INTO PUBLIC DOMAIN
TEHRAN - Lawyers for the estate of Ayatollah Khomeini worked round the clock yesterday in a last-ditch attempt to file the necessary paperwork to protect the Khomeini family’s lucrative copyright on the popular anti-American slur “The Great Satan.” However, a spokesman with the International Copyright Office in Dubuque , Iowa, said it was most likely a case of too little, too late. David Corbett, Senior Copyright Analyst, said the documents needed to preserve exclusive control of “The Great Satan” should have been filed by five o’clock central time last Friday.
“The fellow handling this for Mrs. Khomeini said he was tied up with a series of public stonings, and things just got away from him,” said Corbett. “By this time tomorrow, anyone in the world can chant, write, or sing 'The Great Satan' and they won’t have to pay the Khomeini family a nickel.”
Although the late Ayatollah owned a series of dry cleaners, and once hosted the most popular variety show on Iranian television, he was by no means a wealthy man when he led the revolution that toppled the Shah. “If he hadn’t hit on 'The Great Satan,' and had the sense to protect his intellectual property, he never would have been able to amass the kind of fortune he possessed when he died,” said Corbett.
While the loss of “The Great Satan” will have a serious negative impact on the Khomeini family portfolio, Corbett says all is not lost. “They still have the copyright on 'Have a Nice Day.' That fatuous expression is not due to be renewed until May of 2015."
CITY RENAMES SCHENLEY PARK VENUES
PITTSBURGH -- Pittsburgh City Council voted to rename the historic Schenley Park Golf Course in honor of the late mayor. The course is now 'The Bob O'Connor Golf Course at Schenley Park', after the Squirrel Hill resident. While the course will be named after O'Connor, the out-of-bounds will be renamed 'The Bill Peduto No Longer In Play Area at Schenley Park'.
Two other areas of the park received new names as well. The sliding board at the playground was named after the current mayor while the park’s trash receptacles were dubbed “The Tom Murphy Dumpsters.” Council promises to return to its “re-naming” frenzy after summer recess.
QUEEN SUPPORTS GENO'S PHILLY CHEESE STEAK'S 'ENGLISH ONLY' POLICY
WASHINGTON - Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip filmed a special public service announcement today with Joey Vento, the owner of Geno's Philly Cheese Steaks, to support the "English only" policy Vento champions. Vento was the center of a maelstrom last year when he posted a sign at his famous fast-food restaurant saying: "This is America, please order In English."
As soon as the Royals arrived at the television studio where the announcement was to be filmed, Vento yelled, "Hey! There you both are!" and hugged the Queen. The Queen was visibly startled by the faux pax and pushed Vento away. Within minutes, the cameras were rolling.
Vento, reading from cue cards in a stiff and unconvincing manner, yelled, "Yo, Queen, jeet yet?"
"No, Joey," said the Queen, doing her best to imitate a Philadelphia accent. "Jew?"
Vento put his arm around Philip. "Well, next time yous two are in Philly, I ain't lettin' yous two stop at no Ack-a-me to grab your dinner; yous two are both gonna be my guest at Geno's, where it's all English, all the time."
Then the camera closed in on the Queen. "Well, Joey, it's my pleasure, because Great Britain salutes your efforts to promote uniformity in speech as a positive means of finding a common cultural ground in the vast melting pot that is America."
A perplexed look shot across Vento's face, and it was clear he was no longer acting. "Vast what-ing pot? Alright, turn off the cameras," he yelled. Then he glared at the Queen. "I get it, this is a joke, right? Here we're doin' a commercial about 'English-only' and you're puttin' me on, speakin' some other language."
Prince Philip calmed Vento down. "Look here, old man, Her Majesty is quite serious," he said. The director intervened, and it was decided that the Queen's final lines would be filmed from a studio in London. As the Royals hurried into their car, Philip said, "That man scares the bejeebers out of me. I don't care what language he speaks."
LIBERAL MOTHER RAISES CONSERVATIVE CHILD AS HER OWN
CALIFORNIA, Berkeley -- In an astonishing display of maternal instinct and selflessness, a registered and professed “far-left leaning Democratic” female has begun to suckle a newborn abandoned on her doorstep.
His mother, whom authorities do not expect to be identified, left him swaddled in an American flag and tucked in a bread basket, with a note that read only, “Please see to it that he’s raised a conservative.” Betty Budinski, 39, a stay-at-home mom who already has five children of her own along with her husband Ray, an architect by profession, says she fully intends to honor that wish.
“This mother has apparently suffered enough, to give up her child like that, and if it is her will -- or her George F. Will, ha ha ha -- that he be raised a staunch Republican, so be it. Looking ahead, we imagine there’s going to be a lot of lively discussion at the dinner table,” joked Budinski.
His mother, whom authorities do not expect to be identified, left him swaddled in an American flag and tucked in a bread basket, with a note that read only, “Please see to it that he’s raised a conservative.” Betty Budinski, 39, a stay-at-home mom who already has five children of her own along with her husband Ray, an architect by profession, says she fully intends to honor that wish.
“This mother has apparently suffered enough, to give up her child like that, and if it is her will -- or her George F. Will, ha ha ha -- that he be raised a staunch Republican, so be it. Looking ahead, we imagine there’s going to be a lot of lively discussion at the dinner table,” joked Budinski.
POST-GAZETTE INVOKES ROONEY RULE TO REPLACE PETER LEO; FIRST MINORITY CANDIDATE TO INTERVIEW FOR VACANT WRITING COACH POSITION IS O.J. SIMPSON
PITTSBURGH - Post-Gazette Editor David Shribman will interview O.J. Simpson this morning for the position of head writing coach at the paper. The position opened up nearly two weeks ago when longtime coach Peter Leo resigned in order to spend more time with his family.In 1977, Mr. Simpson wrote a much-loved Hollywood tell-all entitled “Excuse Me, Mr. Allen, My Shorts Are On Fire: Love and Laughs On The Set Of The Towering Inferno.” In 1994, Mr. Simpson wrote a best-selling book entitled “I Want To Tell You” while incarcerated awaiting trial for a double homicide. Recently, Mr. Simpson contributed a lengthy essay to Film Comment on the enduring popularity of “Capricorn One.” The essay will accompany a special director’s cut of the movie when it is released on DVD this Christmas.
Reached on the golf course yesterday, Simpson said he was looking forward to coaching columnist Brian O’Neill. “He really is a five-tool writer. He’s got the arm, which makes typing much easier, and he runs well. Especially when it’s time to pick up the check.”
Simpson said he was confident he would be able to persuade O’Neill to write about something other than the state legislature.
“I plan on being a real hands-on coach, if you know what I mean.”
ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND TOMB OF HEROD THE GREAT, KING WHO PLOTTED TO DESTROY CHRIST
HEROD'S DESCENDANTS SHOCKED TO FIND BODY DECKED OUT IN CHRISTMAS REGALIA, WEARING SANTA SUIT
PARIS HILTON TO SERVE JAIL TIME, SHARE CELL WITH CHARLES MANSON
Former cult leader said he will appeal Judge’s ruling as cruel, unusual punishment.
TOM ATKINS DOES ONE-MAN SHOW OF HAL HOLBROOK DOING ONE-MAN SHOW OF MARK TWAIN
PITTSBURGH - Ever since he was a young actor playing cops and other tough guy parts, Pittsburgh native and Duquesne University graduate Tom Atkins has wanted to do a one-man show portraying Hal Holbrook portraying Mark Twain. He got his wish Sunday night when Holbrook came down with the flu just hours before he was scheduled to take the stage at Heinz Hall to do Hal Holbrook in Mark Twain Tonight! Atkins agreed to go on, but insisted the title be changed to Tom Atkins in Hal Holbrook in Mark Twain Tonight!
"Twain held a mirror up to society, and his material is as fresh today as when he was alive," said Atkins. But Atkins felt some updating was needed so he quickly called in playwright and sports writer Gene Collier, with whom Atkins collaborated on The Chief, a celebration of the life of Pittsburgh Steelers patriarch Art Rooney.
"First thing I did," said Collier, "I ditched the Holbrook make-up. The way Tom and I envision Twain, he should look more like -- well, Art Rooney, believe it or not. And I doubt that anybody noticed, but I changed the Mississippi River to the Monongahela."
The most rewarding part of the show for Atkins playing Holbrook playing Twain was when Twain pretends to be President Andrew Jackson. "That's a dream come true," said Atkins. "Being Holbrook being Twain being Jackson and looking like Art Rooney. Hell, you just get lost in the role. Or roles. When I got home Sunday night, I didn't know who the hell I was."
GOVERNOR CONDONES SPEEDING
Defense attorneys to cite “The Rendell Rule” for clients with speeding tickets
HARRISBURG -- Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell admitted last week he allows his state troopers to exceed the speed limit regularly, even after the crash of New Jersey Governor John Corzine, not to mention his own highly-publicized 100 mph travel three years ago. At that time, Rendell instituted a new policy that his drivers must obey the speed limit. Now that policy is out the window.
“We try to stay within the speed limit, unless traffic is going faster. Maybe the trooper will go 70. Or maybe 80, tops,” Rendell said. “And then, of course, faster if it’s an emergency, like when I’m late for dinner.”
HARRISBURG -- Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell admitted last week he allows his state troopers to exceed the speed limit regularly, even after the crash of New Jersey Governor John Corzine, not to mention his own highly-publicized 100 mph travel three years ago. At that time, Rendell instituted a new policy that his drivers must obey the speed limit. Now that policy is out the window.“We try to stay within the speed limit, unless traffic is going faster. Maybe the trooper will go 70. Or maybe 80, tops,” Rendell said. “And then, of course, faster if it’s an emergency, like when I’m late for dinner.”
Lead-footed drivers applauded his stand. Local plumber Noah Swayne has received 24 speeding tickets in the last four years. “I always figured they [government officials] were saying one thing and doing another. If the governor can speed, so can I. And my attorney will be happy to have a new defense for me.”
Swayne’s attorney, R. Cardamone Angini, agreed. “I’ve used up just about every flimsy excuse I can for Noah,” he said. “I’ve told the judge he was rushing home because his house was on fire, or because his father was taken to the hospital, or his wife was in labor. The guy’s not even married, but luckily they didn’t ask for proof. The judge is starting to roll his eyes when I talk, though, so it’s a good thing the governor gave us this new guideline to use. I might get more clients contesting tickets, and drivers can go as fast as they want without worrying about fines or points on their licenses. And when more accidents occur due to excessive speed, the personal injury attorneys will swoop in and file lawsuits. It’s a win-win for all of us.”
One group that does not consider this “win-win” is the Pennsylvania’s State Police. Police Commander Jeffrey Miller declined to criticize the governor directly, but “the governor counts on us bringing in a certain amount of revenue every year for the state through speeding tickets,” he said. “I don’t know if we’ll be able to meet our goal now. Maybe he can raise property taxes or add more slot machines around the state to make up the difference. Or maybe he could just go the speed limit and tell everyone else to, too.”
YOUNG PROFESSIONAL WHO RECENTLY MOVED TO PITTSBURGH FROM PHOENIX DEMANDS SPECIAL RECOGNITION, TREATMENT
PITTSBURGH -- 30-something computer programmer Todd Lincoln Park has threatened to move back to Phoenix if the city continues to fail to bestow upon him benefits to which he believes he is clearly entitled.Park, who took up residency in a studio apartment in Shadyside this March, would not elaborate on exactly what he meant by "benefits," but hinted “season tickets to the Steelers would be nice.”
Clark is outraged because he said that since his move to assume a position at Carnegie Mellon University, he has yet to receive a personal phone call from the Mayor or “anyone else of importance” thanking him for his decision to accept a job and relocate here, especially considering he had offers from Seattle and even New York.
“To say I’m disappointed would be a vast understatement. I thought that as soon as word got out that a young person with a college degree -- and very virile, if you know what I mean -- moved here, that I’d be getting cards and letters in the mail, and maybe even a key to the city. I mean, that’s the impression I got from reading about Pittsburgh when I lived in Arizona,” he disparaged.
"The City's extreme focus on sucking up to, and everything short of sucking otherwise, young people greatly influenced my decision to haul it all the way out here."
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl’s office had no comment as of press time, nor a spokesperson.
DICK CHENEY SLATED TO APPEAR AS VILLIAN IN 'SPIDER-MAN 4'
HOLLYWOOD - The Vice President will play a villain named 'The Grouse' who will battle Spider-Man in the fourth installment of the prized franchise.
Reportedly, The Grouse will insist he is winning even when things couldn't be going worse for him, thereby setting the stage for his appearance in the fifth installment of the series.
QUEEN ELIZABETH EXPLODES IN EXPLETIVE-FILLED TIRADE AT CONCLUSION OF KENTUCKY DERBY, PROFESSOR HIGGINS MORTIFIED
CHURCHILL DOWNS - Queen Elizabeth II, daughter of a Cockney chimney sweep who ascended to the throne under the careful tutelage of Professor Henry Higgins, let loose a stream of profanity at the conclusion of Saturday's Kentucky Derby.
Following her outburst, a number of ladies in attendance, watching the race through special viewing glasses, fainted. A spokesman for the Queen blamed the rash of faintings on the weight of the enormous oversized hats the victims were wearing.
"The Royal Doctor has assured us that the compression of that type of headgear on the skulls of such dainty women for extended periods of time can cause momentary loss of oxygen to the brain, resulting in loss of consciousness."
Professor Higgins disagreed. "Eliza, I mean, Elizabeth was responsible. The sheer force of her obscenities tore the elbow patches off my tweed jacket!" Higgins lamented the fact that all of his hard work to turn an uneducated guttersnipe into a lady was undone in a matter of seconds. "But, in retrospect, perhaps I should have shut her off after the sixth mint julep."
Higgins said despite his anger at the Queen for embarrassing him on Saturday, he looked forward to seeing her again. "I’ve grown accustomed to her face." For the moment, the Professor said he had other plans. "I’m taking the first plane home to England, and I’m going to find Colonel Pickering. And then, I’m going to strangle him with my bare hands."
Queen Put Down After Breaking Leg at Derby
CHURCHILL DOWNS, Ky. -- Queen Elizabeth II, monarch of the British empire and an enduring symbol of royal houses that once reigned supreme over half the world, was euthanized by veterinarians yesterday after breaking her leg on a stairwell en route to a private box at the Kentucky Derby.
The queen, who was attending her first derby and was more accustomed to the grass turf at England’s Ascot Races, was ascending the stairwell in third place, behind two body guards, when she briefly bumped vice president Dick Cheney on a landing as she turned, and then stumbled.
A team of Derby specialists rushed to the scene, but determined that the break was a clean snap along the lower right tibia.
“At her age, that just doesn’t heal,” said Derby vet Gary Sanremo. “We all agreed she’d suffered enough, what with the fracture, the swelling, that thing with her daughter-in-laws.”
Dr. Sanremo blamed part of the dilemma on the traditional British diet.
“You can’t eat starchy, heavily sauced food and deep fry everything you stuff in your gullet and expect your body to stay in top form,” he said. After the queen was put down, Dr. Sanremo said an examination revealed that she still had all her teeth.
“This was a very well cared-for queen,” he said. “Other than the diet, which I guess is a cultural thing, she was kept clean, obviously had comfortable bedding and was adequately watered. This is just one of those things.”
COURT FILINGS REVEAL ASTRONAUT LISA NOWAK'S DEFENSE RE: 1,000 MILE RIDE TO KIDNAP ROMANTIC RIVAL: STOWAWAY DR. ZACHARY SMITH THREW CAR OFF COURSE
BOMBASTIC SABOTEUR REPEATEDLY CALLED NOWAK A "BUBBLE-HEADED BOOBY," SHE CLAIMS
New Parking Tickets To Promote Downtown
In a move to boost Pittsburgh’s struggling retail corridor, the Ravenstahl administration has redesigned city parking tickets to include the reminder, “Don’t Forget To Shop Downtown.”
“This is an innovative way to get the word out about the fantastic shopping, dining and other amenities our city has to offer,” said Mayor Luke Ravenstahl.
The new ticket design includes the mayor’s photo and a the promotional slogan directly below the spot informing motorists of fines ranging from $16 for an expired meter to $100 for parking in a tow-away zone.
Faced with stiff competition from suburban malls, shopping centers and even online merchants, the city has been casting about for an effective, but low-cost way of reaching potential shoppers. The idea of using the empty space on city parking citations was a parting gift from ousted mayoral aide Marlene Cassidy, who said she hoped the mayor would use it during the election season “and for a long time after that.”
Ravenstahl’s new advisers enthusiastically embraced the idea. “These people are already Downtown anyway,” the mayor said. “So we know they want to come down here. And we give out thousands of these things every day, so why not include a message encouraging them to come back?”
The city also has proposed that various Downtown merchants could get individual advertising messages onto the tickets, or even sponsor a class of violation for a nominal fee, but to date response has been slow.
Mayor Ravenstahl said he has instructed the city’s parking authority to increase its regular printing of tickets in anticipation of a heavy retail advertising push by meter attendants throughout the city.
“Our goal is to get one of these on every car in the city by year’s end,” the mayor said. “We want to make sure these people know that we want them to shop Downtown.”
BAGHDAD BOB NAMED SUCCESSOR TO DICK SKRINJAR
MAYOR VOWS TO MAINTAIN HIGHEST LEVELS OF ACCURACY, BOMBAST IN DEALINGS WITH THE PRESS
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