PIRATES PROMOTE MOSES; TRACY SAYS ISRAELITE ROOKIE WILL LEAD BUCS FROM LAST-PLACE BONDAGE TO PROMISED LAND

PITTSBURGH - Pirates General Manager David Littlefield announced that the team has promoted promising twenty-five hundred year old rookie Moses to the major leagues. Moses is considered to be a key figure in Littlefield’s so-called “Forty-Year Plan” to rebuild the Pirates into a contender.

“This is the guy we need to lead us as we continue to wander aimlessly through the barren desert that is the National League Central Division,” said Littlefield.

Moses is expected to join the team in St. Louis tomorrow, after he parts the Mississippi River. Littlefield said he expected Moses would have an impact on the fortunes of the club, but tempered his remarks by asking fans to be patient. “Don’t expect miracles out of this kid right away.”

Moses was originally drafted by the New York Yankees, but was released when he refused to adhere to George Steinbrenner’s “no facial hair” policy. At the time, Moses explained his decision this way. “I answer to an even higher Boss.”

A scout from the Pirates Middle East division signed him to a minor league contract, where he put up excellent numbers in Lynchburg and Indianapolis. One Pirates official, who wished to remain anonymous, praised Littlefield’s decision. “This guy is going to be a plague on National League pitching.”

Manager Jim Tracy said he planned to play Moses at first base, as well as catcher. “No one has been able to run on this guy,” said Tracy . “He has a real thing about not letting people steal.”

KING FRIDAY DIAGNOSED WITH ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE; SUCCESSION CRISIS LOOMS IN NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE

NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE - King Friday XIII, who survived two assassination attempts and a lengthy battle with prostate cancer during the course of his forty years on the throne, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease today by his royal physician Dr. Bill Platypus.

The diagnosis confirms suspicions of castle insiders, who have been concerned about the King’s behavior for some time. “It is with great regret that I must inform the citizens of this Neighborhood that our beloved King Friday XIII is suffering from a mild form of dementia,” said Dr. Bill. “The disease is in its early stages, but it will ultimately rob his royal majesty of the ability to effectively rule this Neighborhood.”

Upon hearing the news, the King’s son, Prince Tuesday, seized power. “I have waited for lo these many years,” said the Prince. “At last I can take my rightful place in the realm of imaginary regents.”

The Prince issued a press release declaring martial law, ordering all neighborhood residents to stay inside their tree, factory, clock, museum-go-round and platypus hill until further notice. “Violators will be shot on sight,” he promised.

Long-time observers of the royal make-believe family are speculating that the Prince has imprisoned his mother, Queen Sarah Saturday, in an attempt to consolidate his reign. The Queen hasn’t been seen in public since attending the funeral of former Russian Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin last month.

NEW HARRY POTTER FILM TO GET 'X' RATING

STAR DANIEL RADCLIFFE INSISTED ON DOING ENTIRE FILM IN THE NUDE, WITH A HORSE

CURATOR OF FORT PITT MUSEUM DIDN’T REALIZE FORT PITT MUSEUM WAS STILL OPEN

CMU'S SCOTTY DOG MASCOT TO SNIFF BEHINDS, URINATE ON LEGS OF OPPONENTS

HILTON SENTENCE REDUCED

HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton has been offered a reduced jail sentence for good behavior since her recent arrest. Conditions of the offer include Hilton serving her sentence as a Wal-Mart greeter rather than at the Century Regional Detention Center in suburban Lynwood, Hilton's lawyer, DUI specialist Richard Hutton, called the conditions "unreasonable." Hutton explained: "We would consider Penney's, but she's not serving hard time at Wal-Mart."

Journalists speculate that if Hilton serves her sentence outside of jail, it would void the book deal she has signed to document her jail experience. The working title of Hilton's planned book is "Jail is Ickey."

MAYOR VOWS TO ELIMINATE POLITICS FROM REDD UP CAMPAIGN, ANNOUNCES NEW REDD UP CAMPAIGN TO REDD UP THE REDD UP CAMPAIGN

FOLLOWING ANOTHER LOSING WEEKEND FOR THE BUCS, BOB NUTTING SENDS NOTE TO PITTSBURGH SPORTS WRITERS: 'I AM ANONYMOUS AGAIN'

ANOTHER PATIENT'S MEDICAL RECORDS POP UP ON INTERNET, UPMC GIVES UP TRYING TO MAINTAIN CONFIDENTIALITY

HEALTH CARE BEHEMOTH WILL SIMPLY MAIL ALL ITS CONFIDENTIAL PATIENT INFORMATION TO EVERY HOUSEHOLD IN THE TRI-STATE AREA

DEMS REPEAT CALL FOR GONZALES' OUSTER, WANT MATLOCK TO CLEAN HOUSE

VICIOUS DOG 'GENO' OWNED BY DVE’S VAL PORTER MAULS MINIATURE HORSES THAT REPLACED THE ONES KILLED BY JOEY PORTER’S DOGS

"I don't know what that Porter family has against me and my little horses," said the owner, Nicholas Bing.

NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW REVIEWED

BY JUDGE RUFUS PECKHAM - The New York Times must get a lot of free books.

Just yesterday I learned that they publish an entire magazine of book reviews every Sunday. I was unaware of this publication until a reader forwarded one to my attention. I have not had the time to read it, unfortunately, but I conclude it leaves much to be desired.

You see, the sole point of a review is to tell the reader whether a book is good or bad. At most, a review should only comprise one sentence and no more than seven words (the lone exception that comes to mind is Websters Unabridged Dictionary -- see my review from last January).

Regrettably, the Times' writers must enjoy their own banal prose because these reviews are hundreds of times too long. Moreover, they are replete with irrelevancies, such as plot summaries and thematic analysis.

In short, the Times reviewers steal from the very books they purport to review; there is no other way to put it. This, of course, is violative of United States copyright laws and various related ordinances which are beyond the scope of this essay.

Be that as it may, it must be conceded that the reviews are shorter than the books by several orders of magnitude, and therefore provide an invaluable service to high-powered executives who have no time to squander on reading or the like. Accordingly, I suggest you skip the books and read this little rag instead.

In one sentence: Three stars.

Attorney Jim Ecker: 'If I'm ever arrested, I'll retain a look-alike to walk me to courthouse'

PITTSBURGH - Generations of high-profile Western Pennsylvania criminal defendants have retained attorney Jim Ecker, primarily so he can walk with them down the street to the County Courthouse and stop and tell television news reporters with a straight face the defendant is not guilty.

With his distinguished white hair and the somber bearing of a funeral director, Ecker is at his best walking to the courthouse with the defendant. "I hired him because he looks great on TV walking into the courthouse," said a local anchorman recently charged with DUI who asked not to be identified.

But what would Ecker himself do if he's ever arrested? Who will he call? "Todd Robertson," Ecker said without hesitation. Robertson is not a lawyer but sells men's suits at Macy's downtown. Why would Ecker call him? Robertson bears an uncanny resemblance to Ecker.

Robertson told a reporter he's ready if Ecker ever needs him. "We'll walk down Grant Street on that path Jimmy knows so well," he said. "And I have my speech for the TV reporters all ready: 'We have no comment about these charges and are confident my client will be fully exonerated. And by the way, there's a 20% off sale at Macy's this Saturday."

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WOLFOWITZ RESIGNS FROM WORLD BANK, BROUGHT DOWN BY SCANDAL

EMBATTLED BANKER COVERED-UP UNCLE BILLY'S LOSS OF $8,000, TRIED TO HIDE DEFICIT BY BORROWING FROM FRIENDS

MR. DRYSDALE TAPPED TO REPLACE WOLFOWITZ AT WORLD BANK; HIRES JETHRO BODINE AS HIS NO. 2

BEVERLY HILLS BANKER SAYS FIRST PRIORITY IS TO KEEP THE CLAMPETTS FROM MOVING BACK TO THE MOUNTAINS

IRAN, SYRIA, NORTH KOREA CHOOSE ATLANTIC CITY FOR 2008 AXIS OF EVIL CONVENTION

MAYOR SAYS HE’S CONFIDENT INFLUX OF GLOBAL SOCIOPATHS, TERRORISTS WILL BOOST LOCAL ECONOMY

NATIONAL HEALTH DIRECTOR: HOMELESS LIFESTYLE THE HEALTHIEST

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- An extensive ten-year study by the U. S. Department of Health has concluded the lifestyle of the average homeless person is far healthier than that of other Americans. The study measured cholesterol, hypertension, body fat, aerobic fitness and other key health factors. Without exception, the homeless had the better scores in every category.

“It’s not too surprising when you think about it,” reported National Heath Director Dr. Noah Swayne. “They’re active, they don’t eat a lot and they don’t have any worries. Speaking form a health perspective, we should all be so lucky.”

Swayne cautioned that people should not adopt what he called the Hobo Life Plan without first checking with their physician. “It would be dangerous for anyone to just go out and start eating what those [people] eat. It takes time to adjust to the diet.“

It didn’t take long after the release of this study for exercise giant, Curves, to announce it will immediately start installing machines that mimic pushing a shopping cart. It hopes to have one in all its locations by the end of the year. Weight Watchers is planning an entire line of frozen diet food made up of scraps and half-eaten meals.

The homeless man (pictured above) was asked if he was planning to become entrepreneurial and cash in the government’s finding. “What, me go to work, make money, live in a house? I value my health a lot more than that,” he said.

PENGUINS SELECT LEGO TO DESIGN NEW ARENA

PITTSBURGH - The Penguins have selected toymaker Lego Corporation to design and build their new arena, the team announced today. Lego has worked on miniature sports facilities from Berlin to Los Angeles, but never on a project of this scale.

Some Penguin officials privately expressed concern as to whether the plastic floors could support the weight of the the fans.

But Lego was confident it could do the job. "It's an easy leap from tabletop arenas to the real thing," insisted Lego spokesman Fritz Swayne. "Our team of nine to twelve year olds will submit a prototype within one month, depending on their homework schedules." Once a design is approved, Lego estimates construction will take no more than three hours. "These pieces snap together in no time," said Swayne.

Mayor Rahvenstal was ecstatic with the choice. "I love Legos," he gushed.

U.S. TREASURY DEPARTMENT UNVEILS 'FOREVER DIME' -- WILL ALWAYS COST TEN CENTS

TREASURY SECRETARY PAULSON CALLS IT "A SOUND INVESTMENT"

RAVENSTAHL SECURES 99.8 PERCENT OF PRIMARY VOTE, DECLARES HIMSELF MAYOR FOR LIFE; SECURITY FORCES ARREST, IMPRISON COUNCILMAN PEDUTO

CHUCK McCULLOUGH, ATTORNEY CHARGED WITH MISHANDLING TRUST, WINS NOMINATION FOR COUNTY COUNCIL -- EVEN THOUGH HE TRIED TO WITHDRAW FROM RACE

"I am humbled and honored by the voters' confidence -- not to mention their stupidity," said the Upper St. Clair attorney.

BUSH TAPS TWANDA CARLISLE'S CONSULTANT TO LEAD WAR EFFORT IN IRAQ

DARLENE DURHAM KNEW SHE WOULDN'T BE UNEMPLOYED FOR LONG FOLLOWING CARLISLE'S ELECTION LOSS TO REV. BURGESS

CHIEF WILD EAGLE AWARDED INDIAN CASINO LICENSE NEAR SCRANTON

KEN BURNS BOWS TO PRESSURE, WILL RE-CUT “BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE” TO SHOW HISPANIC CONTRIBUTIONS TO DESTRUCTION OF AMERICAN INDIANS

NEW YORK - Filmmaker Ken Burns has reached an agreement with Hispanic groups to add additional scenes to his newest project, a twenty part, forty-four-hour adaptation of Dee Brown’s 1971 classic tale of the Indian wars, “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee ” The additional scenes will highlight Latino acts of barbarity and cruelty in America ’s quest to fulfill its manifest destiny.

Burns issued a statement this morning conceding that his film, as originally presented, neglected to include the many contributions made by Latino’s in nearly wiping out Native Americans, and making the frontier safe for subdivisions and strip malls.

“I regret the omissions in the first cut,” said Burns. “It was not my intention to lead viewers to the conclusion that all of the lying, betrayal, murder and theft visited upon the tribes of the Great Plains were done exclusively by white, Anglo-Saxon Protestants.”

A spokesman for the Hispanic groups said he was pleased that Mr. Burns had seen fit to address their concerns. “It is a fairy-tale, at worst, and a misrepresentation of history, at best, to present a film that glorifies the treachery of the white man in subjugating the American Indian, while ignoring the treachery of other ethnic groups in the process.”

Mr. Burns said the revised, final cut of the film will debut on PBS this fall. Allowing for pledge breaks, the film is scheduled to begin over Labor Day weekend, and conclude over the Memorial Day weekend, in 2009.

STALLONE ENTERS GUILTY PLEA, EXPRESSES DISPLEASURE WITH ATTORNEY

ROMNEY SAYS HE WOULD ONLY PRACTICE POLYGAMY IF FORCED BY HIS MORMON RELIGION

WASHINGTON – In a wide-ranging interview on 60 Minutes, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney addressed his religion and touched on a moral issue that plagued the administration of the husband of one of his potential rivals.

“The American people can accept me as a Mormon,” Romney told Mike Wallace, “And I really don't think Polygamy will be an issue unless my religion forces me to start practicing it.”

With a clear reference to President Clinton’s dalliance with Monica Lewinsky, Romney promised he would never cheat on his present wife, as he described her for the camera (see picture) or any others he was obliged to take on. “The [Clinton affair] has no place in the White House – no place at all for [that sort of thing].”

During the interview Romney revealed his great-great grandfather practiced polygamy. "I’m sure I could do it – runs in the family so to speak,” Romney said confidently, “But I imagine it would be hell on earth every 28 days or so. "

STALLONE PLEADS GUILTY TO IMPORTING THE LATE BURGESS MEREDITH INTO AUSTRALIA

DON BARDEN TELLS SUPREME COURT HE'S NOT IN FINANCIAL DIFFICULTY, CUTS TESTIMONY SHORT SO HE DOESN'T MISS GREYHOUND BUS BACK TO DETROIT

DUKA BROTHERS, ACCUSED OF PLOTTING ATTEMPTED FORT DIX MURDERS, PETITION FOR RELEASE FROM PRISON SO THEY CAN LAUNCH COUGH DROP COMPANY

CHIHULY GLASS SCULPTURES CAUSE NUMEROUS SMALL FIRES TO BREAK OUT INSIDE PHIPPS CONSERVATORY

“Obviously no one at Phipps used a magnifying glass to set ants on fire as a child, or they would have realized this was gonna happen,” fire marshal says

SCHENLEY PARK -- Phipps Conservatory in Oakland is closed until officials can figure out how to stop light refracting through newly-installed glass sculptures from setting fires inside the historic building. The conservatory spent an undisclosed amount of money to install dozens of glass sculptures by Dale Chihuly throughout the display rooms for the next six months. Although many public gardens have displayed Chihuly’s work without incident, Phipps started having problems as soon as the first pieces went in.

“I’m not sure why we’re having all these fires,” Executive Director Richard Piacentini said today. “Maybe the sunlight coming through the glass roof and then hitting the sculptures is the cause. Maybe it’s the latitude we’re at and the angle of the sun right now. Or maybe light is refracting off all the particulates in Pittsburgh’s air,” he said, referring to the city’s recent poor showing in national air quality rankings. Piacentini had planned to continue discussing the issue with reporters, but he suddenly dashed off in the direction of the Fern Room, carrying a small extinguisher.

A Phipps employee, who asked to be identified only as “Curt,” said he tried to warn managers ahead of time. “I told them, ‘Only YOU can prevent conservatory fires,’ but I guess they thought I was joking. They never listen to me,” he said bitterly. “Once I had this really great idea about having a baby elephant help us move heavy plants around. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime,” Curt said, before suddenly dashing off in the direction of the Victoria Room, carrying a small extinguisher.

In Seattle, Dale Chihuly denied responsibility for the fires. “Hey, I didn’t make those pieces,” he said, referring to the fact that he has not created any of his own work since the 1980’s. “If [Phipps] wants to go after anybody, they should go after my glassblowers. They’re the ones who did it all. I just show up for the exhibit openings.”

For now, Phipps’ managers have no ideas on how to fix the problem. “We’re hoping for a lot of cloudy weather,” Piacentini said. “The plants don’t grow as much when it’s cloudy, but at least they won’t be bursting into flames.”

TOTALED RECALL

WASHINGTON -- High ranking officials at the Justice Department have reported that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales appears to be unable to recall any details of his disastrous appearance before a senate committee just two weeks ago. When Senator John McCain asked Gonzales, "Were you trying to appear stupid or what?" the attorney general replied, "I'm afraid I can't recall." Angry Justice Department staff asked Gonzales, "Do you realize you disgraced the entire department?" His reply: "I'm afraid I can't recall the details." Asked by Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), "Tell me Alberto, just how f*****g stupid are you?" Gonzales stated, "I have searched my memory and I can not recall just how f*****g stupid I am."

Justice Department staffers reported that Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) shook Gonzales by the shoulders and screamed, "Can you remember anything about your pitiful, embarrassing, unbelievably transparent performance? Anything at all???!!!" After reflecting for a moment Gonzales replied, "I have no recollection of the hearings, but I do recall that the President told me I did a heck of a job."

ADAM LAROCHE GOAL OF 'BATTING HIS AGE' IN JEOPARDY

PITTSBURGH - Pirate first baseman Adam LaRoche appears to be in jeopardy of attaining his preseason goal of batting 027, and acknowledged to reporters yesterday that he may have to reset his goals.

LaRoche’s batting average soared upward to .168 yesterday, due mostly to a fluke multiple hit (3 for 4) game on May 5 against the Milwaukee Brewers. “I tried as hard as possible to avoid making contact with the ball, but [Brewers pitcher Jeff] Suppan kept throwing right at my bat” said LaRoche.

LaRoche joined the Pirates in an off season trade with the Atlanta Braves, and upon learning of the trade, decided that the Pirates would be the ideal team to attempt to “bat his age,” which has never been accomplished by any major league player. LaRoche, also an avid golfer, may instead attempt to earn his PGA tour card while playing first base for the Pirates. “If I can get my average to below .072, I may make one of the PGA qualifiers later this year,” said LaRoche.

PHOTO SHOWS GOVERNOR ED RENDELL'S LUNCH BEING LOWERED BY CRANE TO FLOOR OF STATE CAFETERIA

US AIRWAYS PILOTS’ SILENT PROTEST GREETED BY APPLAUSE, CHEERS FROM PASSENGERS

PASSENGERS ASSUMED PILOTS PLANNED TO END MINDLESS CHATTER IN FLIGHT

PITTSBURGH – About seventy-five US Airways pilots staged a silent informational protest at the Pittsburgh International Airport to call attention to the lack of progress in combining US Airways and the former American West pilots into a single contract.

But they didn’t receive the reaction from passengers they were expecting. Some clapped; others cheered mockingly as the pilots stood in stony silence. “At first I thought they supported us in our quest. After all, these are desperate times – some of us are barely making low six-figure salaries nowadays,” said veteran pilot Horace Gray (pictured above), “But then, I heard what those [people] were saying as they clapped.”

Apparently, the passengers thought the silent pilots were planning to be quiet in the airplane as well.

“I do wish they would shut up,” complained passenger Salena Zito as she was about to board a flight to Washington, DC, “Their chatter is endless – ‘We’ve reached cruising altitude' – 'I’m turning off the fasten seatbelt sign' – 'Out of the right side of the plane you can see Charleston, West Virginia.’ How can I get any sleep?” In contrast to the reaction to the pilots, Zito’s comments brought genuine applause form some nearby passengers.

Gray was so infuriated by the turn of events that he threatened to take the passengers up on their suggestions. “OK, no more talking on my airplane -- and that includes speaking with air traffic control.”

O.J. SIMPSON STARVES TO DEATH AS U.S. RESTAURANTS, GROCERS AGREE NOT TO SERVE HIM

EMACIATED EX-NFL STAR COULDN'T EVEN BUM A MEAL; CELEBRATION TONIGHT AT TRAILBLAZER JEFF RUBY'S STEAKHOUSE IN LOUISVILLE

BROWNBACK MAKES IMPRESSION IN WISCONSIN, GETS PELTED WITH CHEESE

LAKE GENEVA, Wis. - GOP presidential hopeful Sen. Sam Brownback drew boos, groans and a hail of string cheese Friday at the Wisconsin Republican Party convention when he used a football analogy to talk about the need to focus on families. Brownback explained what has become the backbone of his presidential campaign message: "Families are like a football team. Dads are the head coach, mom's are like the offensive coordinator, kids are like questionable draft choices that grow into franchise players whose behavior embarrasses the entire organization, then they demand exorbitant sums of money, straining the resources of the team, threatening the stability of the organization. But I digress."

Forgetting he was in Green Bay Packer country, Brownback said, "This is fundamental blocking and tackling. This is your line in football. If you don’t have a line, how many passes can Peyton Manning complete? Greatest quarterback, maybe, in NFL history."

Mistaking the cheese hitting the stage and podium for enthusiastic approval, Brownback continued, "Peyton Manning can beat any team any day, because his teammates are like family. The Bengals are a more dysfunctional family, but they are still a family. And how about those Bears, going all the way to the Super Bowl!!!"

A brick of sharp cheddar whistled past Brownback's head, snapping him out of his reverie. An aide hustled on stage and explained the gaffe to the befuddled candidate. Senator Brownback tried to recover. "Oops, wrong team to mention in Wisconsin. But you understand what I'm saying. Once I'm president, we'll rebuild the American family through trades, draft choices, training camps and prayer and the Packers will win the Super Bowl!!!" The crowd sat in stunned silence until a chunk of brie hit Brownback in the chest, bringing some enthusiastic cheers.

Following the appearance, Brownback fired his Analogy Consultant and scrapped plans for his Pittsburgh appearance where he planned to use a "Bill Belichek is maybe the greatest coach in NFL history" analogy. His campaign will repackage Brownback's family theme using an analogy they feel will work with any audience, "Life is like a box of chocolates."

BLAIR CALLS FOR COALITION OF THE UNEMPLOYED

TRIMDON, England - Prime Minister Tony Blair announced last week he would step down as Britain's Prime Minister on June 27. Today he called for President Bush to join him in forming "a coalition of the unemployed."

DONNY OSMOND CONFUSED AS TO WHY AL SHARPTON APOLOGIZED TO HIM FOR DISPARAGING REMARKS ABOUT MORMON PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MITT ROMNEY

PORT AUTHORITY DRIVER NOAH SWAYNE SCUTTLES BUS ON SOON-TO-BE-ELIMINATED ROUTE 11A: "IF 11A CAN'T HAVE THIS BUS, NOBODY DOES!"

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BUSH TAILORS ST. VINCENT COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS TO WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA AUDIENCE

President Bush tailored his commencement address at St. Vincent College to a Western Pennsylvania audience.

The title of his speech: “Good luck to younz gettin’ a job in tahn.”

UPMC UNVEILS NEW HEADQUARTERS, DENIES NEW DIGS 'TOO EXTRAVAGANT'

DISNEY OUTRAGED OVER HAMAS TV'S HATE-MONGERING MICKEY MOUSE-LOOKALIKE: 'WHERE'S THE PRODUCT TIE-IN?'

TO COUNTER THE ANTI-SEMITISM, THE REAL MICKEY MOUSE SAYS HE WILL BE CIRCUMCISED AND MADE AN HONORARY JEW. "ONE SLIP OF THE KNIFE, AND I'LL BE A FALSETTO," FAMOUS RODENT QUIPS

CHENEY TO VISIT MIDDLE EAST – WITH BARNEY AND MR. MCFEELEY

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney departs on a weeklong mission to the Middle East on Tuesday to capitalize on the momentum created by a recent visit there by Secretary of State Condoleezza.

A senior administration official said President Bush asked Cheney to go largely because of his sparkling personality. He said, "This is our chance - the vice has a way with people, ya know. Nobody brightens up a room like Dick Cheney.”

To complement Cheney's lighthearted persona and demonstrate the administration is sincere about bringing peace to the region, Barney, the purple dinosaur, and Mr. McFeeley from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood will accompany the vice president.

The trio plans to deliver a message of love the administration feels cannot miss with the even the most reluctant Arabs. Barney adapted his well know “I love you – you love me” song for a new audience: “We love the Iraqi's, the Iraqi's love us. We’re a happy family.” And, McFeeley will be delivering hand-drawn card and pictures from American children to each Arab leader.

The administration official said, “Those middle eastern leaders won’t be able to resist the vice president’s charm – talk about shock and awe!"

Commencement speaker calls graduates "a generation of nitwits"

PITTSBURGH - Judge Rufus Peckham, founder and editor of The Carbolic Smoke Ball, was both widely praised and widely criticized for his controversial commencement address at Carnegie Mellon University yesterday, sometimes by the same person. Following his two minute address, the audience sat in stunned silence. The Judge took umbrage at the suggestion that his address was intended as a gag. Here is the verbatim transcript of the address:

Allow me to break with tradition and tell you that I am not happy, I am not honored to be here today. I say this fully cognizant that, one, it may make you uncomfortable, and two, your entire existence revolves around your comfort.

You see, I stand before a generation of nitwits, and I am ashamed of you.

You know less, and you care less, about current events and history than any generation of the past century.

You have a firm belief that you must share every inane thought with an equally dim-witted friend on your cell phones, spilling your essence upon one another like a schoolboy's first encounter with the village trollop.

You have no ability to think critically, and you desecrate the language of Shakespeare and Dickens with your foul language and inappropriate and repetitious use of the word "like." You have such difficulty expressing yourself in writing that you resort to "emoticons," which have less sophistication than caveman drawings.

Your "music" has more in common with the primitive beat of the tribal tom-tom than with the Germanic symphonic tradition that cultured people of Western civilization have long held as the standard.

Your taste in art, literature and motion pictures is non-existent.

You have abandoned religion because it does not add to you immediate gratification, and because religion disapproves of conduct you freely engage in that does add to your immediate gratification.

You turn your bodies into grotesque pin cushions with vile piercings and profane tattoos. The young women dress as hookers, yet insist they be treated with dignity. The young men primp and preen and smell like girls, and have morphed themselves into video game-playing drag queens by pruning their torsos and nether-regions to resemble hairless rats.

In short, you have disgraced our nation and defiled our culture. I, for one, am very sorry indeed that this institution has seen fit to let you loose on polite society.

In any event, congratulations.

2,700-year-old fabric found in Greece

ARCHAEOLOGISTS CONFOUNDED BY THE "PERMANENT PRESS" LABEL

KHOMEINI ESTATE FAILS TO RENEW COPYRIGHT ON “THE GREAT SATAN”; LUCRATIVE ANTI-AMERICAN INSULT TO FALL INTO PUBLIC DOMAIN

TEHRAN - Lawyers for the estate of Ayatollah Khomeini worked round the clock yesterday in a last-ditch attempt to file the necessary paperwork to protect the Khomeini family’s lucrative copyright on the popular anti-American slur “The Great Satan.” However, a spokesman with the International Copyright Office in Dubuque , Iowa, said it was most likely a case of too little, too late.

David Corbett, Senior Copyright Analyst, said the documents needed to preserve exclusive control of “The Great Satan” should have been filed by five o’clock central time last Friday.

“The fellow handling this for Mrs. Khomeini said he was tied up with a series of public stonings, and things just got away from him,” said Corbett. “By this time tomorrow, anyone in the world can chant, write, or sing 'The Great Satan' and they won’t have to pay the Khomeini family a nickel.”

Although the late Ayatollah owned a series of dry cleaners, and once hosted the most popular variety show on Iranian television, he was by no means a wealthy man when he led the revolution that toppled the Shah. “If he hadn’t hit on 'The Great Satan,' and had the sense to protect his intellectual property, he never would have been able to amass the kind of fortune he possessed when he died,” said Corbett.

While the loss of “The Great Satan” will have a serious negative impact on the Khomeini family portfolio, Corbett says all is not lost. “They still have the copyright on 'Have a Nice Day.' That fatuous expression is not due to be renewed until May of 2015."

FRIAR’S CLUB CANCELS MOQTADA AL-SADR CELEBRITY ROAST; JACKIE MASON SAYS CRAZY CLERIC “CAN’T STAND TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH NORM CROSBY”

CITY RENAMES SCHENLEY PARK VENUES

PITTSBURGH -- Pittsburgh City Council voted to rename the historic Schenley Park Golf Course in honor of the late mayor. The course is now 'The Bob O'Connor Golf Course at Schenley Park', after the Squirrel Hill resident.

While the course will be named after O'Connor, the out-of-bounds will be renamed 'The Bill Peduto No Longer In Play Area at Schenley Park'.

Two other areas of the park received new names as well. The sliding board at the playground was named after the current mayor while the park’s trash receptacles were dubbed “The Tom Murphy Dumpsters.” Council promises to return to its “re-naming” frenzy after summer recess.