AUSTIN, Texas - Lady Bird Johnson, the former first lady who championed conservation and worked tenaciously for the political career of her husband, Lyndon B. Johnson, died Wednesday while grouse hunting with Vice President Cheney. She was 94.
DESPERATE BUSH CALLS WAYNE VAN DINE; PRESIDENT ASKS WAYNE TO HELP QUELL SUNNI INSURGENCY
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush phoned KDKA’s Call for Action line this morning and asked Wayne Van Dine for help in quelling the violence in Iraq . “Despite the fact that Wayne has been retired from the station for some time now, we do make the line available for world leaders and a select list of dignitaries,” said KDKA General Manager Chris Pike.
White House spokesman Tony Snow said the President’s request was not unusual, and should not be interpreted as a sign the President is dissatisfied with the current strategy in Iraq . “The President knows that Wayne is a man who can get things done,” said Snow. “The President made the call with the full support of General Petraeus, as well as the Joint Chiefs.”
Reached at home this morning by reporters, Van Dine said he would do what he could to assist the Commander in Chief. “I told him I’d contact some of my sources in the Baath party, as well as former members of the Iraqi Republican Guard, and see if I can’t get this thing settled.” Van Dine added “I’ve cracked tougher nuts than this. Did I ever tell you about the time the borough of Edgewood refused to patch a broken sewer line because of a dispute with the borough of Swissvale? I made a couple of phone calls, and it was done.” Van Dine snapped his fingers for emphasis. “I’m going to keep the heat on all sides until the President is satisfied, and this problem is no longer a burden for him, or the American people.”
UPMC TAPS OUTGOING WEST PENN CHIEF JERRY FEDELE TO HELP IT EXTEND HEALTH CARE HEGEMONY IN REGION
FEDELE SLATED TO BECOME "HUMAN SIGN," PERCHED ATOP U.S. STEEL TOWER WITH "UPMC" BRANDED ON FOREHEAD
RAVENSTHAL SEEN SPORTING NEW TATTOO
When reporters questioned him about it, the Mayor replied, "What tattoo?"
QUEEN STORMS OUT ON PHOTOGRAPHER WHO WANTED HER TO REMOVE CROWN, TOP
"I must wear my crown as it will give the picture a certain kinkiness when I lift my top. That photographer has no sense of what appeals to my royal subjects."
CREATOR OF OREO FILLING REVEALS ‘CREAM’ IS JUST FLAVORED PASTE INVENTED TO HOLD TWO HALVES OF THE COOKIE TOGETHER
WASHINGTON -- Cookie lovers are still trying to digest the revelation from a retired baker at Nabisco that the popular cream center found in their flagship "Oreos" cookies is nothing more that flavored paste.In his book, Half Baked – My Fifty Years at Nabisco, Noah Swayne describes how he couldn’t get the two halves of the cookie to stick together but solved the problem by remembering something he learned in elementary school.
“I’d be getting hungry, but it wouldn’t be time for lunch. So, I’d nibble on some tablet paper,” Swayne explained, ”That was okay but then I got the idea to add some paste to my snack and -- voila I had myself a meal.”
During his career, Swayne held many positions at the baking company, including cookie taste tester, a job he described as “inhuman.”
“You wouldn’t believe what they made me eat. One time I landed in the hospital,” Swayne said, referring to Nabisco’s infamous anchovy flavored Oreo experiment.
Swayne recalled that he’s been asked many times over the years why Nabisco didn't just make a thicker cookie and skip the creamy glue altogether. “Old man [Himan] Nabisco wanted thick cookies but all we had was a thin cookie mold. He was too damn cheep to buy another one. And you quote me on that, may he rot in hell."
PENGUINS CO-OWNER AND BILLIONAIRE RON BURKLE EXPLORING THE POSSIBILITY OF BUYING DOW JONES & CO.
Purchase contingent on Wall Street building a new stock exchange for traders complete with luxury boxes. Move could result in Charles Schwab playing on Crosby’s line. Penguins expected to go public. season ticket holders able to convert seats to preferred stock.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
"Whatever does not destroy me makes me wince and have heartburn." -- Judge Rufus Peckham
DISPLACED HEINZ KETCHUP BOTTLE FINDS NEW HOME ATOP US STEEL TOWER
NEW NAME FOR ICONIC SIGN: "THE UPMC KETCHUP BOTTLE"
BUDGET BATTLE TAKES ITS TOLL ON RENDELL; GOVERNOR AN EMACIATED SHELL OF FORMER SELF
HARRISBURG - The recent budget battle between Governor Ed Rendell and the state legislature has taken its toll, says Rendell spokesman Chuck Ardo. According to Mr. Ardo, the Governor has lost a significant amount of weight over the past week. Rendell’s private physician, Dr. Michael Loftus, said the compromise reached between Senate Republican leaders and Rendell on the Governor’s ambitious budget agenda is contributing to his decline.
“Apparently, being forced to curtail his appetite for spending has curtailed his appetite for eating.” Mr. Ardo provided additional information. “The marathon negotiating sessions held this past weekend between the Governor and Senate caucus leaders left no time for meals.” Ardo said the tense atmosphere of the meetings also contributed to a deterioration in the Governor’s eyesight, as well as the loss of his hair.
The Governor’s office released a photograph of Rendell purportedly taken this morning. The photo seems to confirm Mr. Ardo’s account of the physical deterioration of his boss. “Ever since the agreement was reached on Monday night, he’s been doing nothing but sitting around the Mansion in a loincloth, chanting.” Ardo said the Governor’s personal chef was working round the clock, sending a steady supply of cheese steaks and nachos to Rendell’s private quarters. “We’re all praying that the familiar aroma of his beloved comfort foods will rouse him from his current condition.”
PITTSBURGH SCHOOLS DROP 'PUBLIC' FROM NAME
- District will also drop "Pittsburgh" and "Schools," use funky symbol instead;
- Superintendent Roosevelt considering more "rapper friendly" names to give schools "street cred";
- Schenley Public High School will be known as "P-Schen," which "will be just massively phat," said Roosevelt;
- Changes part of ongoing campaign to insure "no rapper is left behind."
LOCAL RIDERS SLEEPING OUT OVERNIGHT AT PAT BUS STOPS FOR SEATS ON NINE REMAINING ROUTES
Port Authority CEO Steve Bland also considering a lottery system to more equitably distribute scarce seats
MAYOR SAVING UP TO PURCHASE GRAND THEFT AUTO IV
Ravenstahl informs staff he’ll be out of the office on the video games’ release date
ANTHROCON CONVENTION ENDS, POTTERNERD CONVENTION BEGINS
Events will add almost $5 million to local economy; city's tax collector"thrilled," city's prostitutes "kind of freaked out"
FEDS: PIZZA DELIVERYMAN COLLAR BOMB 'VICTIM' WAS IN ON ROBBERY PLOT
Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong [Ringleader of conspiracy]: Oh, come on, Brian, it'll be fun. We'll just strap this collar around your neck and pretend you're a hostage. . . . . Stop being such a baby!
SYMPHONY VIOLINIST TIRED OF BEING ASKED IF HE CAN PLAY LED ZEPPELIN’S KASHMIR
Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra Violinist Peter Snitkovsky has come to dread family get-togethers and social functions because he's continually asked if he knows how to play the Led Zeppelin classic “Kashmir.”
“It never fails,” Snitkovsky said. “I’ll be at a party and one of my cousins' kids or someone from my wife’s office pops the question about playing Kashmir."
Having spent a lifetime studying, practicing and performing his instrument, Snitkovsky can barely hide his annoyance. “I feel like saying. ‘No, I can’t play it. I’ve got the complete works of Mozart, Tchaikovsky and Paganini down. But I haven’t quite mastered those five notes that Maestro Jimmy Page came up with.’”
Born in the Ukraine, Snitkovsky began studying the violin at the age of 6. At age 16, he won the Ukrainian Violin Competition and two years later was invited to study at the Moscow Conservatory. At 20, Snitkovsky became a member of the Moscow State Symphony Orchestra where he remained until leaving the Soviet Union for the United States in 1977.
Soon afterward, the incorporation of classical instruments into popular music has been a small but relentless source of irritation for him. He’s even begun to hide his violin case before anyone comes into his house.
“I’m just afraid I’ll have a plumber in to do some work, and he’s going to see it and ask me if I can play 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' or 'Eleanor Rigby.'”
“It never fails,” Snitkovsky said. “I’ll be at a party and one of my cousins' kids or someone from my wife’s office pops the question about playing Kashmir."
Having spent a lifetime studying, practicing and performing his instrument, Snitkovsky can barely hide his annoyance. “I feel like saying. ‘No, I can’t play it. I’ve got the complete works of Mozart, Tchaikovsky and Paganini down. But I haven’t quite mastered those five notes that Maestro Jimmy Page came up with.’”
Born in the Ukraine, Snitkovsky began studying the violin at the age of 6. At age 16, he won the Ukrainian Violin Competition and two years later was invited to study at the Moscow Conservatory. At 20, Snitkovsky became a member of the Moscow State Symphony Orchestra where he remained until leaving the Soviet Union for the United States in 1977.
Soon afterward, the incorporation of classical instruments into popular music has been a small but relentless source of irritation for him. He’s even begun to hide his violin case before anyone comes into his house.
“I’m just afraid I’ll have a plumber in to do some work, and he’s going to see it and ask me if I can play 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' or 'Eleanor Rigby.'”
CHINA SETTLES LONG-STANDING BOUNDARY DISPUTE WITH MONGOLIA BEFORE BRENTWOOD BOROUGH ZONING BOARD, AGREES TO MOVE GREAT WALL THREE FEET TO THE SOUTH
BEIJING – In what was considered to be a victory for The Peoples Republic of China, the communist state and it northern neighbor, Mongolia, have resolved their ancient border squabble. Under the terms of the settlement, China will move the Great Wall three feet to the south. Mongolia had wanted China to move the wall fifteen feet.
Simmering for centuries since the Great Wall was built in 300 BC, the disagreement as to the location of their common boarder reached the boiling point recently when China held loud parties on two consecutive weekends, one following a Jimmy Buffet concert. Mongolia complained China’s merrymaking lasted until 5 am and it couldn’t get any sleep.
The settlement between the feuding countries was worked out by the Brentwood Borough Zoning Hearing Board at its meeting last week. The Brentwood Board had been specially appointed by the United Nations to decide the property dispute because of its reputation for expediency. As explained by United Nation spokesman and former Brentwood Councilman Robert Cramner, “They make decisions the same day of the hearing, often within five minutes of the close of testimony. They are the Judge Wapner of Zoning Boards.”
“I wasn’t surprised by the call from [Secretary General] Ban Ki-moon, really,” said Zoning Board Chairman Bob Haas. “I was more surprised that those two big-lug countries waited this long to settle their differences – what was it, two thousand years or something like that? I guess there’s some statute of limitations issue here but I didn’t think of it at the time so it’s too late for that,” Haas chuckled.
Haas said that the Board didn’t give any preferential treatment to the case from Asia. On the night of the hearing, diplomats and international lawyers for both sides had to wait until the Board dispensed with a request for a variance on the height of a fence from a resident on Rockwood Drive.
As is his custom, Haas joked with the parties at the beginning of the case, “Ancient Chinese secret, eh?” he quipped, to muffled chuckles. Haas’ reference to “Rice-A-Roni,” though, fell flat. Then it was all business, as the Board took seven minutes of testimony, asked a couple of questions and reviewed a dozen exhibits, including a piece of the Great Wall itself. At one point, Haas confused the Great Wall with the now-defunct Berlin Wall, but it was only a momentary lapse.
Before the Board concluded its deliberations, which were expected to last at least thirty seconds, attorneys for China and Mongolia announced their clients had reached a settlement. China agreed to move the Great Wall three feet to the south in exchange for Mongolia’s promise not to file a nuisance complaint over the partying. "It always warms my heart anytime neighbors can get together and resolve their problems on their own,” Haas said.
Simmering for centuries since the Great Wall was built in 300 BC, the disagreement as to the location of their common boarder reached the boiling point recently when China held loud parties on two consecutive weekends, one following a Jimmy Buffet concert. Mongolia complained China’s merrymaking lasted until 5 am and it couldn’t get any sleep.
The settlement between the feuding countries was worked out by the Brentwood Borough Zoning Hearing Board at its meeting last week. The Brentwood Board had been specially appointed by the United Nations to decide the property dispute because of its reputation for expediency. As explained by United Nation spokesman and former Brentwood Councilman Robert Cramner, “They make decisions the same day of the hearing, often within five minutes of the close of testimony. They are the Judge Wapner of Zoning Boards.”
“I wasn’t surprised by the call from [Secretary General] Ban Ki-moon, really,” said Zoning Board Chairman Bob Haas. “I was more surprised that those two big-lug countries waited this long to settle their differences – what was it, two thousand years or something like that? I guess there’s some statute of limitations issue here but I didn’t think of it at the time so it’s too late for that,” Haas chuckled.
Haas said that the Board didn’t give any preferential treatment to the case from Asia. On the night of the hearing, diplomats and international lawyers for both sides had to wait until the Board dispensed with a request for a variance on the height of a fence from a resident on Rockwood Drive.
As is his custom, Haas joked with the parties at the beginning of the case, “Ancient Chinese secret, eh?” he quipped, to muffled chuckles. Haas’ reference to “Rice-A-Roni,” though, fell flat. Then it was all business, as the Board took seven minutes of testimony, asked a couple of questions and reviewed a dozen exhibits, including a piece of the Great Wall itself. At one point, Haas confused the Great Wall with the now-defunct Berlin Wall, but it was only a momentary lapse.
Before the Board concluded its deliberations, which were expected to last at least thirty seconds, attorneys for China and Mongolia announced their clients had reached a settlement. China agreed to move the Great Wall three feet to the south in exchange for Mongolia’s promise not to file a nuisance complaint over the partying. "It always warms my heart anytime neighbors can get together and resolve their problems on their own,” Haas said.
PORT AUTHORITY STUDY REVEALS IT’S LESS EXPENSIVE TO BUY ALL RIDERS THEIR OWN CARS THAN TO CONTINUE TO OPERATE BUS FLEET
Keys to new cars will be distributed to monthly pass holders at the beginning of August
POLICE ARREST MEADVILLE MEATBALL SMUGGLERS
Subsequent raids net four semi-automatic tenderizers, $10,000 in cash, and 500 gallons of pure Sicilian sauce
God Confirms Vitter's Story Regarding 'Escort Service'
WASHINGTON (AP) - Sen. David Vitter, R-La., apologized Monday night for "a very serious sin in my past" after his telephone number appeared among those associated with an escort service operated by the so-called "D.C. Madam."Vitter's spokesman, Joel Digrado, confirmed the statement in an e-mail sent to The Associated Press.
"This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible," Vitter said in the statement. "Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there—with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way."
God, reached at his office, confirmed Vitter's account.
"David brought this up to Me a few months ago. He seemed quite agitated and blurted out, 'And Lord, I also committed the unpardonable sin of adultery with that escort service woman who was on 20/20 the other day.' I'd seen the broadcast, but, frankly, had been disappointed. They didn't have any big names and they missed a senator's," God said. "Those people are going to Hell."
God also said he had received other confessions from prominent Washington figures who told Him they had been clients of Palfrey's.
"Out of respect to their families, I'm going to keep discussion of the matter right here -- between Me and Me," He said.
In a surprising twist, God said he had turned down an offer from Palfrey and her lawyer to hand over copies of the escort service phone list after 20/20 failed to name any prominent customers of Palfrey's.
"I figured if 20/20 couldn't find any big names, what chance had I of finding them? I mean, those people are trained professionals with years of experience in the sometimes tricky field of investigative journalism. All I did was create the world and keep it going," He said. "I might be all knowing, but ABC has more lawyers. In my realm, the lawyers don't tend to end up where I am and it shows. Churches are getting sued left and right. You ever hear of Satan getting hauled into court?"
TOUR de FRANCE'S NEW DEMOLITION DERBY STAGE A SMASHING SUCCESS
Race officials expect upcoming Biathlon and Jousting stages to be equally popular
RENDELL FURLOUGHS CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL; LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR’S FACT-FINDING MISSION TO POTTER COUNTY IN JEOPARDY
HARRISBURG - In a move he called “the most bitterest decision of my political career,” Governor Ed Rendell furloughed Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll this morning, hours after announcing a budget agreement that allowed twenty-four thousand state employees to return to work. The Governor said that Knoll’s furlough was a “painful, but necessary” move that should in no way be construed as a reflection of her performance during the recent budget impasse. “The fact that Catherine repeatedly called the Republican President Pro Tempore of the Senate Joseph Scarnati (R. Jefferson) 'Senator Scarface' had nothing to with her furlough. This is my own contribution to the citizens of the Commonwealth who are demanding smaller government.”
The Governor said the other members of his cabinet would pitch in to perform the work usually done by the Lieutenant Governor. “The process will be so seamless, state residents will barely know the difference.” Rendell’s move puts Knoll’s annual fact-find mission to the nether-regions of the Commonwealth at risk. This year, the Lieutenant Governor was scheduled to visit Potter County during the month of August, and deliver a full report to a joint session of the Legislature in September. “I know Catherine’s been looking forward to spending a few days in the new Target that opened in Coudersport,” said the Governor. “We’ll see if we can find the money in the general fund to ship her out there before we ship her off.”
PENGUINS SIGN CROSBY TO $43 MILLION CONTRACT, LEMIEUX TO START CHARGING HIM RENT
SEWICKLEY, Pa. - The Penguins have signed center Sidney Crosby, 19, to a five-year contract extension worth $43 million. Ray Shero, the Penguins executive vice president and general manager, called the deal "exciting news" for the Penguins.
One member of the Penguins' organization, Chairman of the Board and Crosby's landlord Mario Lemieux, did not share Shero's enthusiasm. Lemieux was in a surly mood as he exited the team's offices. Several bystanders said they smelled alcohol on his breath as he brushed past reporters before spinning around to comment about the deal.
"You want a quote?" barked the usually affable Lemieux. "The free ride's over, how's that for a quote?" he said with noticeably slurred speech. Lemieux proceeded to work himself into what one bystander characterized as "a rage," excoriating Crosby with all manner of invective. The ten minute tirade alternated between English and French and was sprinkled with innumerable obscenities.
"This pimple-faced boy that you members of the press insist on calling 'the MVP' is a lazy, no-good freeloader. Go ahead and print that, I dare you, you sons of bitches." Lemieux launched into a laundry list of Crosby's alleged faults, including his inability to awaken before 11:00 a.m., his refusal to pitch in with household chores, and his treatment of members of the Lemieux family as if they were his servants. "If this acne-laden creature wants to act like a f***ing tenant, then that's the way it'll be. Now that he's a millionaire, I am presenting him with this bill for past rent totaling $78,000, and I'll require a rental payment on the first of each month from now on."
Lemieux was asked if rumors are true that he removed Crosby's MVP trophy from the mantel in the family room where Lemieux's three MVP trophies are displayed. "It only holds three," Lemieux said curtly. "His [trophy] couldn't stay up there because the mantel only holds three."
Contacted at the Lemieux home, Crosby had no comment on Lemieux's statement but said, "Tell Mario to bring me up a few more towels, would you?"
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK TO JULY 2006: ALL-STAR GAME HIGH JINKS: RIVER OVERRUN WITH SKINNY-DIPPING FEMALES WAITING TO RETRIEVE BALLS FROM HOME RUN DERBY
MAYOR O'CONNOR HAS HEART ATTACK; POLICE URGE CORPORATE PITTSBURGH NOT TO LOOK OUT OFFICE WINDOWS UNTIL CHIEF COSTA CAN HELP YOUNG WOMEN INTO BIKINIS
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Police say that the Allegheny River next to PNC Park is overrun this morning with hundreds of bawdy, skinny-dipping females ready to retrieve baseballs hit in tonight's home run derby.
Police Chief Dom Costa issued a statement: "We are urging all of the good corporate citizens of Pittsburgh with offices facing the Allegheny [River] not to look out their windows today until I can personally escort these young ladies onto land or help them into bikinis."
"I want the taxpayers to understand that as their police chief, I am not looking closely at these young, very attractive, nubile females," Chief Costa said. "I am a professional." The Chief reported that by his count, there were exactly 432 women in the water as of 10:00 a.m. today, most of whom were brunettes and, by Costa's estimate, between the ages of 18 and 21. "It's amazing how many of them have piercings," Costa said. "I might add I was unaware, until this morning, of the things they can do with piercings nowadays."
Mayor O'Connor, just out of the hospital for problems related to an ulcer, saw the bodies bobbing in the river and immediately had a heart attack.
PBS REFUTES PROFESSOR'S CRITICISM THAT MR. ROGERS IS RESPONIBLE FOR YOUNG ADULTS' NARCISSISM
NEVERTHELESS, NETWORK PULLS EPISODE WHERE BELOVED HOST TAUGHT YOUNG VIEWERS TO STARE AT THEIR OWN REFLECTIONS UNTIL THEY FALL IN LOVE WITH SELVES
BEARS, RACCOONS DEFILE STATE PARKS; BUDGET IMPASSE, FURLOUGHED EMPLOYEES EMBOLDEN WILDLIFE, EXPERTS SAY
HARRISBURG - Governor Ed Rendell’s decision to furlough twenty-four thousand state employees in the wake of a budget impasse is having a devastating impact on state parks, experts say.
Ranger David Corbett, an employee of the Commonwealth’s Division of Parks and Land, said all hell broke loose shortly after eleven-thirty Sunday evening. “Not five minutes after the Governor announced his decision to furlough our department, every garbage can in this park was attacked,” said Corbett. “It’s like they were waiting for the all-clear sign. I have no idea how they knew we were off the job.”
A visit to several state parks this morning confirmed Corbett’s account. At Keystone State Park , in Westmoreland County , a family of black bears was observed running through picnic groves, tipping over Port-O-Johns and flipping tables. Several raccoons, picking through trash strewn across the grass of an overgrown campground, looked up from their morning meal just long enough to make an obscene gesture to reporters.
“It is likely that radical elements in the animal community have been planning this kind of event for some time,” said Dr. Barbara Baker, of the Pittsburgh Zoo and Aquarium. “The failure of the executive and legislative branches of state government to reach a consensus on a constitutionally mandated spending agreement by the end of the fiscal year gave them the moment they were looking for.”
A spokesman for Governor Rendell, Chuck Ardo, said the Governor has been briefed on the situation. “The Governor is asking all members of the animal kingdom across the Commonwealth to behave responsibly during these difficult times.”
Bonds Head Upgraded to Dwarf Planet Status
SAN FRANCISCO -- The International Astronomical Union, the same body that revoked Pluto's status as a planet, has upgraded Barry Bonds head to Dwarf Planet. The IAU's review was conducted after Bonds' head pulled a satellite or moon into it's ever increasing gravitational field. The object, which appears to be the fugitive frozen head of Red Sox legend Ted Williams, orbits Bonds head every .006 seconds; at that speed, it is barely visible to the naked eye. Characteristically. Bonds refuses to talk about the object but teammates have reported hearing the moon say, "Hey Barry, you suck," and making barking noises at him during at-bats. Bonds' teammates have been losing small objects to Bonds' gravitational field for weeks, including keys, change, ipods, and phones. The objects usually burn up in in seconds.
Renowned astrophysicist Steven Hawking commented, "The size of Bonds head far surpasses many objects in Kuiper Belt [a ring of rocks and comets surrounding the outer solar system]. You can see it from space with the naked eye, it has gravity and is forming an atmosphere. Barry Bonds head has all the building blocks to create new forms of life, and that's very exciting."
Williams family members have confirmed that they suspect their father's head may have been drawn into Bonds orbit and that it may have been intentional. "At this point, I think Dad would do anything to get to the All-Star game, even put up with Barry's egomania," said Williams' daughter Theodora.
Renowned astrophysicist Steven Hawking commented, "The size of Bonds head far surpasses many objects in Kuiper Belt [a ring of rocks and comets surrounding the outer solar system]. You can see it from space with the naked eye, it has gravity and is forming an atmosphere. Barry Bonds head has all the building blocks to create new forms of life, and that's very exciting."
Williams family members have confirmed that they suspect their father's head may have been drawn into Bonds orbit and that it may have been intentional. "At this point, I think Dad would do anything to get to the All-Star game, even put up with Barry's egomania," said Williams' daughter Theodora.
Sidney Crosby’s agent tells Ray Shero to make him another drink
Agent Pat Brisson liking the way Sidney Crosby's contract negotiations have moved along so far.PITTSBURGH - In the latest round of face-to-face talks between Penguins GM Ray Shero and Pat Brisson, Sidney Crosby’s agent appears to have the upper hand in negotiations.
Sources close to the talks reveal that in addition to forcing Shero to make him martinis "just the way he likes them," Brisson has also sat and smoked cigars while Shero washed and waxed his Lexus.
“Hey Ray, you missed a spot by the bumper. Don’t get sloppy on me now,” Brisson chided.
Although an agreement is expected to be announced soon, Brisson said there was no need to rush things. “We’ll get the contract done. I just want to see Ray dance alittle bit more.” Shero was unavailable for comment since he had to take Brisson’s laundry to the cleaners and prepare to caddy for him during a round of golf.
ROOSEVELT URGES SCHOOL BOARD TO "STAY THE COURSE"
Claims teacher surge, hiring of Don Rumsfeld as Assistant Superintendent, will produce victory in War on Truancy
25,000 STATE WORKERS FERLO-ED
Laid off state workers forced to listen to State Senator Jim Ferlo's pro-labor, corporate bashing diatribes every day until state budget dispute is resolved
OTIS CAMPBELL, FOSTER BROOKS AGREE STATE STORES 'ESSENTIAL'
Governor Ed Rendell gets the "V for victory" sign from a constituent who agrees that Pennsylvania's two "essential" businesses are casinos and liquor stores.
McClatchy Exits Gracefully
Kevin McClatchy denies that he is fed up with the Pirates performance as he exits team offices after announcing his resignation as the team's CEO.
FDA RULING ALLOWS ‘RESTAURANT FLAVOR’ FOR HOME USE
“Dinner will taste so good, you’ll want to tip your wife”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – It didn’t take long for spice industry giant McCormick to start production of Restaurant Flavoring® following the FDA’s decision to allow home use of the tasty food additive. The FDA decision ends the monopoly American restaurants have held on the famed ingredient for over 75 years.
According to restaurant insiders, this flavoring is what makes food taste the way it does when you eat out. McCormick’s CEO Jingo McCormick, III explained: “For example, sometimes you’ll hear people talk about restaurant pancakes, ‘Why don’t my pancakes taste like this at home?’ Well, one drop of this flavoring makes an ordinary slice of bread taste like French toast.”
“Restaurant Flavoring® is the biggest thing to hit our business since salt and pepper,” said McCormick. “The first two million bottles will be in your local store in a few days.”
The product will come in different restaurant flavorings, such as Italian restaurant and Mexican restaurant flavorings. There will even be greasy spoon diner and gourmet restaurant flavorings. Consumers should know, however, the more chic the flavoring the higher the price. Some of the higher end flavorings will make it just as expensive to eat at home as to eat out.
To counter the anticipated drop in patrons, restaurants are planning to use a "homemade flavor" that has only been used sporadically by eateries until now.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – It didn’t take long for spice industry giant McCormick to start production of Restaurant Flavoring® following the FDA’s decision to allow home use of the tasty food additive. The FDA decision ends the monopoly American restaurants have held on the famed ingredient for over 75 years.According to restaurant insiders, this flavoring is what makes food taste the way it does when you eat out. McCormick’s CEO Jingo McCormick, III explained: “For example, sometimes you’ll hear people talk about restaurant pancakes, ‘Why don’t my pancakes taste like this at home?’ Well, one drop of this flavoring makes an ordinary slice of bread taste like French toast.”
“Restaurant Flavoring® is the biggest thing to hit our business since salt and pepper,” said McCormick. “The first two million bottles will be in your local store in a few days.”
The product will come in different restaurant flavorings, such as Italian restaurant and Mexican restaurant flavorings. There will even be greasy spoon diner and gourmet restaurant flavorings. Consumers should know, however, the more chic the flavoring the higher the price. Some of the higher end flavorings will make it just as expensive to eat at home as to eat out.
To counter the anticipated drop in patrons, restaurants are planning to use a "homemade flavor" that has only been used sporadically by eateries until now.
LOCAL FEMINIST STILL ANGRY OVER ARCHIE’S CHOOSING BETWEEN BETTY AND VERONICA
“He wanted to “choose” like they had no say in the matter. Frankly, I think they both should tell him to go to hell,” militant woman says
PITTSBURGH --- Three years after the news came out, Karenna Kern is still angry over an issue of Archie Comics in which Archie was to finally choose between two popular female characters. Ultimately, Archie decided to maintain the status quo and play Betty and Veronica against other, but that makes no difference to the avowed feminist.
“Why does Archie get to pick? Why don’t they have any say in the matter? Is he God’s gift to women or something?” Kern said, seething. “You know, Veronica always loved Archie, but he kept chasing Betty. They should both tell him, ‘Listen, buddy, we don’t need you. You can go to hell.’”
Kern thinks Betty and Veronica should be more independent. “I know the gang from East Riverdale doesn’t seem to work much and Veronica is independently wealthy, but both women should think about careers,” Kern said. “That could be very fulfilling. And if either decides to have a child later on, each would be able to support the baby.” Even in that case, Kern says the women won’t need Archie, as “they could ask Moose or Jughead to be a sperm donor.”
PITTSBURGH --- Three years after the news came out, Karenna Kern is still angry over an issue of Archie Comics in which Archie was to finally choose between two popular female characters. Ultimately, Archie decided to maintain the status quo and play Betty and Veronica against other, but that makes no difference to the avowed feminist.“Why does Archie get to pick? Why don’t they have any say in the matter? Is he God’s gift to women or something?” Kern said, seething. “You know, Veronica always loved Archie, but he kept chasing Betty. They should both tell him, ‘Listen, buddy, we don’t need you. You can go to hell.’”
Kern thinks Betty and Veronica should be more independent. “I know the gang from East Riverdale doesn’t seem to work much and Veronica is independently wealthy, but both women should think about careers,” Kern said. “That could be very fulfilling. And if either decides to have a child later on, each would be able to support the baby.” Even in that case, Kern says the women won’t need Archie, as “they could ask Moose or Jughead to be a sperm donor.”
BRITISH AUTHORITIES IDENTIFY THREE ADDITIONAL PHYSICIANS LINKED TO TERROR PLOT; WARRANTS ISSUED FOR DOCTOR HOWARD, DOCTOR FINE, DOCTOR HOWARD
LONDON - British authorities have identified three physicians thought to be the masterminds behind the attempt to destroy Glasgow airport last week. One of the three, caught on a surveillance camera outside the airport gate, was seen running from the burning car. His voice was caught on tape yelling “Moe! Larry! Allahu Akbar! Whooo whooo whooo whooo whooo!”
An official from MI5, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said these men are dangerous, experienced practitioners of mayhem who have left a path of destruction in their wake. The official provided a chilling example. “We have reason to believe these individuals have, on numerous occasions, gained access to beautiful homes by posing as plumbers, or electricians” he said, “only to leave the residence a mere twenty minutes later a crumbling, shattered, shell of its former self.”
The suspects, identified as Doctor Howard, Doctor Fine, and Doctor Howard, are believed to have spent time in terrorist training camps, where they learned how to throw pies, deliver blows to the head with plywood, and inflict maximum pain to victims by attaching pliers to sensitive body parts. Authorities are asking the public to remain vigilant. “These men are masters of disguise. With the hot weather we’re enduring, it is entirely possible they could be masquerading as ice salesmen.” Anyone with information on their whereabouts is asked to contact Scotland Yard immediately.
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ISSUES PLEA TO RAVENSTAHL MENTOR JIM FERLO
MR. FERLO, GET DOWN HERE AND SAVE THIS BOY FROM HIMSELF!
MAYOR NOT NEGLECTING DUTIES FOR PLEASURE; HE'S STARTING REDD UP CAMPAIGN IN HAWAII
HONOLULU - Carbolic Smoke Ball has learned that Mayor Ravenstahl was not neglecting his duties for personal matters when he missed previously planned meetings over the weekend with Hill District leaders and women's groups. He was in Hawaii as part of his strategy to Redd Up Honolulu 's well-known "surfs up" beach community.Exclusive photos show the young Mayor on Waikiki Beach exhibiting his "Redd Up sign" to nearby surfers.
It's not known what gestures the surfers may have made to the Mayor in return.
CAMPAIGN TO ATTRACT YOUNG PEOPLE TO PITTSBURGH HAILED, ANTHROCONS TO COLONIZE NORTH SHORE
Steelers and Pirates vow to fight group’s plan for burrows, nesting grounds.
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