McCain fires back at critics
"You heard me right," McCain snaps at reporter. "We'll be in Iraq another 100 years. Just keep it up, buddy -- how would you like to try for 200?"
MYLAN INC. REPORTS $1.38 BILLION LOSS, STOCK TUMBLES
Shareholders call for corrective measures, demand that all company executives earn WVU MBAs by end of next week
GOD ADMITS MAKING MYRON COPE A BROADCASTER WAS 'A COSMIC JOKE THAT GOT AWAY FROM ME'
“I figured a few of us would get a laugh out of hearing him on the radio and then Myron would get fired. But he clicked. Who knew?”HEAVEN - After welcoming Steelers broadcaster and Pittsburgh icon Myron Cope into His loving embrace last Wednesday, God admitted today that He never intended him to become a broadcaster.
“I try to temper the gifts I give to My children to keep them humble,” the Almighty explained. “For example, I came up with the concept of the dumb blonde --- great physical beauty, but a little light on brain power. For someone like Hines Ward, I gave him pass-catching skills and a love of hitting people, but I made him a few inches too short for Ben's [Roethlisberger] liking. For Mark Madden -- well, I can't really think of any positives."
“When I was forming Myron in My own image (more or less), I gave him exceptional writing skills, but then I paired those skills with that God-awful voice. No pun intended.”
In 1970, God made a fateful decision: He put Cope on the radio. “"When you've been in this business as long as I have, you learn you need to keep things light-hearted, and I thought all of us would get a laugh from subjecting millions of innocent people to Myron's voice. But instead of hating it, people loved him. Yoi and double yoi.”
Cope broadcast Steelers’ games for 35 years, gave birth to the Terrible Towel, and was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Since Cope’s death, tributes have poured in from around the country.
“I’m supposed to be all-knowing, but I didn’t see this coming,” God said sheepishly. “I’m going to have to work in less mysterious ways from now on.”
PITT TO GIVE AWAY iPOD FOR EVERY SEXUAL ASSAULT COMPLAINT IN EFFORT TO INCREASE 'EMBARRASSINGLY LOW' STATS
PITTSBURGH - Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi, coordinator of the University of Pittsburgh's Office of Sexual Assault Services, announced that starting immediately the University will give away a free iPod to every female on campus who reports a sexual assault. "It is our hope that women subjected to brutal rapes will be able to enjoy their iPod Classic, with up to 160 GB of storage, throughout the entire medical, judicial, and recovery ordeal."
The giveaway is designed to increase Pitt's historically low sexual assault numbers. "There is a campus rape epidemic in America, except that the victims themselves don't know about it," explained Ms.Swayne-Lugosi. In 2006, of all the crimes reported to Pitt's campus police, there was just one report of an on-campus sexual assault of any kind, compared to 32 burglaries and 120 liquor law violations. "One would think with so many liquor law violations, we would have far more sexual assaults, but sadly that's not the case," said Ms. Swayne-Lugosi.
Ms. Swayne-Lugosi chronicled the chilling facts about campus rape. "Rape is the most underreported of all crimes. We know it's underreported because no one is reporting all these rapes that must be occurring. Which proves, of course, that rape is rampant on campus. We think the free iPod will encourage those women who like to listen to good music and who have been brutally raped, usually by a formerly trusted and loyal male friend or classmate, to come forward."
Ms. Swayne-Lugosi discounted the concerns of male students that the giveaway might encourage false accusations. "That's the whole idea, Einstein," she said. After a short pause she added, "Please don't print that."
And what if free iPods don't get the numbers up? "Well, given the number of burglaries on campus, maybe we'll have to think about changing the feminist mantra from 'All men are rapists' to 'All men are burglars.'"
RAVENSTAHL AUTHORIZES CONSTRUCTION OF MYRON’S MAUSOLEUM; EMBALMED BODY OF STEELERS BROADCASTER TO REMAIN ON PUBLIC DISPLAY THROUGHOUT FOOTBALL SEASON
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl signed emergency legislation this morning authorizing the construction of a mausoleum for the body of legendary Steelers color commentator Myron Cope. Mr. Cope died Wednesday morning after a long bout with pneumonia. “There’s this guy I saw over in Russia who’s supposed to be a big deal, and they did the same thing for him,” said Ravenstahl. The Mayor’s press secretary quickly interrupted to inform reporters the Mayor was referring to V.I. Lenin, founder of the Soviet state and scourge of reactionaries around the globe. “Yeah, that guy,” said Ravenstahl.The Mayor said he hoped the Mausoleum, which will be located between the new Del Monte Building and Heinz Field, would be completed in time for the 2008 NFL draft. City planners are currently reviewing the design to make sure the facility is built with proper attention to detail and aesthetics. “We don’t want to compromise the integrity, or the beauty of the area. Believe me, the last thing I need now is another hassle with the River Life Task Force.” Construction of the Myron Mausoleum is scheduled to begin next week. Ravenstahl said he hoped the opportunity to view the embalmed remains of a beloved broadcasting icon with strong ties to our local professional football franchise would attract millions of fans, and, in turn, generate millions of dollars in revenue for the city. “I see this as the crown jewel of all North Shore destinations,” he said, before adding “and that’s no Gorgonzola.”
BIRMINGHAM BRIDGE DEMOLISHED, DUMPED IN FRANK CURTO PARK
PITTSBURGH -PennDOT demolished the Birmingham Bridge last night, and its mangled remnants were dumped in Frank Curto Park on Bigelow Boulevard.PennDOT admits it is hoping passersby will think the crumbled mass of steel in the park is a sculpture.
RAUL CASTRO UPSET OVER BROTHER’S MEDDLING; NEW CUBAN DICTATOR SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW TO OPPRESS PEOPLE BY FORMER CUBAN DICTATOR
HAVANA - New Cuban President for life Raul Castro is growing increasingly annoyed by the constant presence of his brother, former President for life Fidel Castro. “He’s always coming into the office for no reason at all,” said Raul. “He retired two weeks ago, yet he still feels the need to hang around and look over my shoulder.” Raul said his brother is forever making suggestions that begin with “When I was dictator,” or “We used to execute people this way,” and he finds it frustrating. “I realize he did a great job for fifty years crushing the lives of millions of people, but I know I can do it, too. I just need the opportunity.” Raul said he fears he won’t get the chance as long as Fidel remains on the scene, and he regrets giving him the honorary title “Special Assistant to the Dictator.” He said his brother took the title to heart. “He’s got it on his stationary. He has it on the door to his office. He even had a couple of political prisoners paint it on his parking space out front – with a toothbrush.”
Raul added that he hoped Fidel would soon discover there are other ways for aging tyrants to spend their twilight years. “I tell him he should take up golf, or walk the mall. I tell him he should take advantage of the senior citizen discount available at many of Havana’s finest buffet restaurants. Do anything, but do it somewhere else!”
FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER ASSAULTED IN LOCAL CONVENIENCE STORE
Horror icon"embarrassed" by incident; police say no monster has ever been publicly assaulted except by another monster
MELLON ARENA TO BE SPARED, IDENTICAL ARENA TO BE BUILT NEXT TO IT
Dual arenas will simulate ‘a beautiful woman from the air’
The Penguins announced that the team will not demolish Mellon Arena but instead will build an identical arena next to it. The team hopes that when the "duel arenas" are seen from the air, they will simulate "a beautiful woman."
The Penguins had initially selected Lego Corporation to design and build a new arena but nixed its design due to fears that Lego’s plastic floors could not support the weight of the fans.
The Penguins announced that the team will not demolish Mellon Arena but instead will build an identical arena next to it. The team hopes that when the "duel arenas" are seen from the air, they will simulate "a beautiful woman."The Penguins had initially selected Lego Corporation to design and build a new arena but nixed its design due to fears that Lego’s plastic floors could not support the weight of the fans.
OBAMA, CLINTON CAMPAIGNS ADDRESS PHOTO CONTROVERSY
Aides to Senator Obama call picture "a smear" and "shameless fearmongering"; aides to Senator Clinton admit "it would be better if he were holding a rocket launcher"
ALVAH ROEBUCK ARRESTED FOR CREATING DISTURBANCE OUTSIDE STORE HE CO-FOUNDED, SEARS, ROEBUCK & COMPANY
"They're tearing down everything I built," cries penniless old manCHICAGO - Alvah Roebuck sold his interest in the store that officially still bears his name, Sears, Roebuck & Company, to his partner Richard Sears in 1965. But everyday for the past seven years, the 95-year old plants his wheel chair outside the company's Chicago store and publicly criticizes his old partner.
"Why the hell does he hide the appliances in the back of the store? He's got no damn common sense," Roebuck yelled to no one in particular on a recent visit to the store. Shoppers who had no idea that the man lobbing verbal grenades was the grand old store's co-founder scurried to report him to store personnel. "The women's underwear is downright pornographic," Roebuck screamed to a black couple entering the store who tried to ignore him. "Do you hear me? Porn-o-graphic! Richard's going straight to hell!"
On this day, as on most others, police are summoned to escort the old man away.
Roebuck's granddaughter, Velveeta Roebuck-Lugosi, a violinist with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, took time during a break in rehearsal to explain her grandfather's rage. "Grandpa's still upset that he sold out his interest in the store and got virtually nothing from old man Sears," she said as she softly churned out a maudlin melody. "I'd personally like to put old man Sears' head in a vice and squeeze until his eyeballs pop out. I would savor the gushing of the blood, and then I would castrate him and eat his nuts raw while his popped-out eyeballs watched. But don't print that."
Ms. Roebuck-Lugosi revealed that her grandfather is in "serious discussions" to partner with James Cash Penney of the store that bears his name and Sebastian Kresge, founder of Kmart.
CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER DIRECTOR CONFIRMS CHINESE CADAVER IN “BODIES EXHIBIT” IS DECEITFUL FORMER OWNER OF TELEVISION LAUNDROMAT, MR. LEE
PITTSBURGH - Jo Haas, director of the Carnegie Science Center, has confirmed an ABC News report alleging that one of the human bodies in the popular “Bodies Exhibit” currently on display at the Science Center is Mr. Lee, the former owner of a popular laundromat who misled customers for years by insisting that the superior quality of his dry cleaning was the result of an ancient Chinese secret. An investigation by the U.S. Justice Department’s Division of Consumer Protection subsequently confirmed that, contrary to Mr. Lee’s assertion, there were no secrets involved. Rather, it was revealed he was using a widely available detergent known as Calgon. Mr. Lee later confessed that he did not have possession of any ancient secrets. He was convicted of fraud, and served seven years in a Federal correctional facility before being deported in 1988. ABC News said that following his repatriation to China , Mr. Lee was arrested, charged with crimes against the state, and sent to a forced labor laundry camp on the Manchurian border. He was later executed after being caught using excess starch on one of then General Secretary Deng Xiaoping’s shirts.
“My husband, some hot-shot,” said his widow, Mrs. Lee. “He was always looking to fool somebody, and now he’s the one who looks foolish.” Ms. Haas said that while ABC correspondent Brian Ross was correct in his identification of Mr. Lee, his claim that the other body in the exhibit belongs to former Cartwright family cook Hop Sing is “patently false.”
OBAMA'S SUPPORTERS STARTING TO FEAR FOR HIS SAFETY
"You can't have lived through the gangsta rap movement and know something about the history of African-Americans in this country and not be a little concerned," said Howard University history professor Edna Medford.
TERRELLE PRYOR CHOOSES HARVARD
Much-sought-after high-schooler says decision finally swayed by university's "kick-ass" comparative literature program
FEMINIST CONDEMNS BOY WHO CUTS HER GRASS FOR IGNORING WOMEN'S INTERPRETATIONS OF THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES
+of+hafnia-lawn-mower-challenge-756904-1.jpg)
NAPLES, Florida - Local feminist Noel Swayne is complaining that the young man who cuts her grass, Jacob Haas, 17, cut it too short last week. Jacob denies it, and Swayne is so angry she fired him.Jacob, who had been cutting Ms. Swayne's grass for two years, claims that he "had the mower on the same setting I always use." But Ms. Swayne rejected Jacob's contention as "invalid" because "it ignores a woman's interpretation of her own experiences."
"Jacob is speaking from a perspective of male privilege," Ms. Swayne said angrily. "As an exponent of patriarchy, of course he will say whatever pops into his head to preserve his male entitlements if he thinks they are being taken from him." Ms. Swayne said she will fire Jacob and hire a female grass cutter "who, incidentally, makes only 77 cents for every dollar Jacob makes."
Jacob has a different take on it. "Ms. Swayne's pretending she's upset with me because the woman she's housemates with caught her staring at me for a real long time while I was cutting the grass without my shirt," he said. "I think Ms. Swayne, like, has a crush on me. Anyway, this isn't about male privilege or patriarchy; it's about the setting on the lawnmower's blade, which was exactly right. And by the way, if she could have found some girl to cut the grass at 77% what she pays me, that cheap bitch would have done it two years ago."
Breaking news in today's Trib p.m.: Birmingham Bridge demolished, remnants dumped in Frank Curto Park
PICK UP YOUR COPY THIS AFTERNOON AND READ THE CARBOLIC PAGE
RAUL CASTRO TAPS DESI ARNAZ AS NEW VP
HAVANA - In a surprise move, newly elected Cuban President Raul Castro named Cuban-born musician and television actor Desi Arnaz as his vice president yesterday. Insiders say that Mr. Castro selected Arnaz because he is "a huge fan" of Arnaz's signature song "Babalu." When Mr. Castro made the announcement to a stunned parliament, Arnaz came on stage carrying his bongo drums. He was accompanied by his next-door neighbor, ex-vaudevillian Fred Mertz who proceeded to perform a "soft shoe" routine. Mr. Mertz was pelted by several persons in the crowd with tomatoes, one of which knocked him to the ground. Security guards quickly escorted Mr. Mertz from the stage. Mr. Mertz reportedly was later shot by Cuban military personnel and expired immediately.
In introducing Arnaz to parliament, Mr. Castro explained that he formerly was married to Lucille Ball, "the zany redhead we are all so crazy about." Mr. Castro told the crowd that his brother, outgoing Cuban President Fidel Castro, was "very, very pleased" with Arnaz's selection. "My brother's face shined with a contentment I have not seen the Sierra Maestra Mountains," Mr. Castro said. "Fidel told me, 'Now I can die in peace. Desi Arnaz has returned to Cuba.'"
SACHEEN LITTLEFEATHER ARRIVES AT PIZZA HUT, READS PREPARED STATEMENT EXPLAINING WHY MARLON BRANDO WON'T APPEAR TO PICK UP HIS ORDER
"Mr. Brando will not be appearing to pick up his pizza in protest of the ongoing siege at Wounded Knee, not to mention the fast food industry's misrepresentation of American Indians in its advertising. Instead, Mr. Brando has asked me to deliver the pizza to his house, with plenty of extra napkins and a liter of Coke."
SHOCKING PHOTO OF CURLY HOWARD BEING BURNED ALIVE
HOLLYWOOD - This news source has obtained a shocking photograph long rumored to exist but never before made public of beloved third "Stooge" Jerome "Curly" Howard being burned alive in 1946 by two Puerto Rican nationalists after Howard was kidnapped for ransom. Howard had just finished filming one of the Three Stooges' popular two-reelers, Half-Wits Holiday, when he was kidnapped on his way to his car on the Columbia Studios backlot. The kidnappers left a series of ransom notes over the next several days, but Howard's older brother, Moe, adopted a hard-line in dealing with the kidnappers and refused to accede to their demands.
Five days after he was reported missing, Howard was placed on a rotisserie and sauteed to death less than one mile from the studio he had helped establish as the screwball capital of the world. His body was recovered in woods beneath the giant "Hollywood" sign several weeks later, and his corpse was used by the always-frugal Columbia two-reeler division in several "haunted house" shorts.
Several years later the same two kidnappers unsuccessfully attempted to assassinate President Harry S. Truman. One of them was killed in that attempt, the other was sentenced to life in prison, where he died in 1994.
ANTON CHIGURH REQUESTS, RECEIVES COMPLIMENTARY TICKETS TO OSCAR CEREMONY
ACADEMY PRESIDENT ALSO WAIVES “NO FOOD OR DRINK IN SEATS” POLICY FOR HOMICIDAL KILLER
OUR TEEN FILM CRITIC JACOB SWAYNE REVIEWS THE OSCAR CONTENDERS
HOLLYWOOD - The Carbolic Smoke Ball once again calls upon our teen film critic, Jacob Swayne, to review the Oscar contenders.
Hey, dudes, I'm chillaxin here in my phat hotel room at the Marriott next to the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, totally. As soon as I'm finished with this, I'll be knocking boots with the GF, so as you can imagine this will be short. Way. Are you ready to, like, make some serious cheddar betting on the Oscars? I'm going to make you rich by handicapping the winners.
No Country for Old Men: The title aptly suggests that this must be a country for YOUNG dudes, feel me? This one should win all the marbles, but you'd never know it based on the totally gay plot: The one guy (like, Josh Brolin) finds drug money, then this really, really messed guy (Javier Bardem) with a Moe-of-the-Three-Stooges haircut, goes after him to get the money. The Moe guy carries this contraption around that I think they use to, like, castrate bulls or something. And meantime Mr. Five-Oh (Tommy Lee Jones) is just old and he's tired of all the evil in the world and shit, and he really doesn't play any part in the movie except to add much needed dead space so you can, like, catch your breath from all the totally scary parts about Mr. Moe-haircut dude going after the dork (like, Josh Brolin). It's really shizzle and wicked, even though the ending makes no sense at all and will leave you scratching your you-know-whats, if you have any you-know-whats. Heh heh.
There Will Be Blood: Another whacked white guy (Daniel Day-Lewis) who's like, totally evil and shit who doesn't care about anybody else. He's this oil entrepreneur who uses anyone in his path for his own illicit ends (thank you, mom for that line) because he, like, has no soul or conscience. He flips out on people for no reason, the way we'd all like to do if we were so permitted, thank you. The one plus is that there are no women in the film to slow down the plot with "human interest" story lines -- there's just wall-to-wall guys and evil, which is really cool. Then at the end, there is blood. In, like, the whacked guy's private bowling alley. This one might win, it's actually my favorite, but it's too weird for most people.
Juno: OK, now we have a film that proves how f*cked up things get when you have chicks on screen. Cute, perky high school chick hits it with her dorky BF, and she gets knocked up. I wouldn't mind going a couple rounds with her. She decides to give the baby to this couple, a cool guy and his uptight beeyatch of a wife. Then the wife becomes too beeyatchy for the cool guy, and he divorces her, but the chick gives the baby to the woman anyway, I guess so she can raise the baby as a little beeyatch. I think the point is that women don't need men to raise a baby or something. (Well, men don't need women in whacked films like "There Will Be Blood.") In the end, the chick realizes she really loves dorky BF, which is good because he really is cool. This is a good film, but it doesn't have the gravitas of the first two, whatever the hell that means.
Atonement: I, like, fell asleep for more than an hour in this one because I'd been with the GF all night using her body as my personal playground (heh heh), and this stupid film dealt with older people to whom I can't relate to -- the guy's like 21 or something. He (the old man) is falsely accused of rape and he didn't do it, blah, blah, blah. As boring as hell. Poke my eyes out! My fellow Carbolic film critic and former Duke lacrosse stripper Crystal Gail Mangum reviewed it in far more depth, in the post immediately following this one. One comment to the little bitch who made the false rape allegation -- you can't ATONE for your lie by writing a book about it with a happy ending that never really happened (I kid you not, that's the plot of this stupid movie). If that were the case, I'd write a book that Abraham Lincoln was President now so he'd straighten out the mess in Iraq. Can't be done, lady. If this movie wins, I'll kill myself.
Michael Clayton: A thriller, a very exciting picture, even though it made no sense at all and I couldn't follow it. For that reason it'll probably win. George Clooney is a lawyer who handles hard-to-fix things, and he gets out of his car to look at horses, then his car blows up and everything. I don't know what the f*ck the horses are supposed to symbolize. Why not rabbits? Or turtles? But George is a good attorney, even though he's real shady, because he's out to expose some big corporation of wrongdoing, as is practiced by all the corporations, you know.
OK, time to bone the GF. See you on the red carpet on Sunday night.
FILM REVIEW: 'ATONEMENT'
BY CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL FILM CRITIC AND FORMER DUKE LACROSSE STRIPPER CRYSTAL GAIL MANGUM - "Atonement" is supposed to be about a false rape allegation. I decided to willingly suspend my disbelief about this totally implausible premise for the sake of this review. I must caution you, however, that this review might not be as accurate as I'd like because I really can't tell one young white male from another -- I mean, I'd be terrible if I had to pick one out of a line-up (strike that last comment), so I am confused about much of what transpired in the film.A thirteen-year-old girl named Brioney tells authorities that she saw a young white male, who is in love with Brioney's older sister Cecilia, raping another girl. The authorities believe Brioney, as is only appropriate since it's a young girl's word against a male's, so they arrest the male and he serves several years in prison before joining the army in lieu of the remainder of his sentence.
So far so good. Rape allegation, male in prison. That's exactly how it should work.
But then the film unravels. Brioney admits it was all a lie and says the male didn't rape anybody, and she lives the rest of her life feeling guilty and trying to atone for the supposed lie.
I could hardly catch my breath in the theater, I was so outraged over the film's deficient editing. Obviously they left out an entire subplot that would have explained that Brioney was delusional when she said the male was innocent. Allow me to fill in the gaps: the male deserved to go to jail regardless of what the so-called "evidence" showed. He is a white male. I mean, as it is, the audience felt sorry for the guy because he didn't do it, which is so wrong on so many levels, there's not enough space here to chronicle it. It felt like I was watching a propaganda film for truth and integrity or some such nonsense. Anyway, due to the poor editing, I cannot in good conscience recommend this film.
Of interest, Robert Altman, who died in 2006, was briefly resuscitated to film a lengthy tracking shot involving a bunch of white male soldiers.
THE AMAZING SLED FROM BEST FILM EVER "CITIZEN KANE" TURNS 67, BUT REFUSES TO RETIRE
HOLLYWOOD - "Rosebud," the little wooden sled that was the answer to the riddle at the core of Orson Welles' classic Citizen Kane, turns 67 this year but shows no signs of slowing down. Film buffs know that in Kane's final scene, "Rosebud" is tossed into a furnace and appears to be incinerated. But it is one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets that when the cameras stopped turning, director/star Orson Welles salvaged "Rosebud" and soon thereafter directors began sneaking it into their films in one form or another, hoping that a morsel of Welles' genius would rub off on their work.
Among many others, the hunk of wood popped up in the 1952 classic western High Noon as the swinging saloon doors:
Cecil B. CeMille used "Rosebud" as the centerpiece of one of his well-known Biblical epics:
Stanley Kubrick also made it the metaphorical core of his epic 2001: A Space Odyssey:
Alas, times have changed and many modern directors have never even heard of Citizen Kane, much less seen it. To them, "Rosebud" is just another prop, and they afford it no special reverance. Director Wes Anderson is typcial: "It's just a piece of wood. What do I care that Orson-Whoever used it in Citizen What?" Alas, Anderson has reduced "Rosebud" to its lowest depths. He's using it as a surfboard in a lewd teenage comedy, She's All Wet:
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO'S "WHO'S ON FIRST" ROUTINE RECITED BACKWARDS IS SATANIC CHANT TO RAISE DEAD
WHEN ABBOTT SAYS "I DON'T KNOW'S ON THIRD," THAT'S THE CUE FOR THE HUMAN SACRIFICESHOLLYWOOD - The buffoonish comedy team of Abbott and Costello reigned supreme as the most popular act in show business in the 1940's and early 1950's, proving beloved by children and grandparents alike. But a new book reveals that the seemingly innocent clowns were, in fact, serious disciples of the most sinister forces of the occult.
Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse, Professor of Anthropology at Cyrstal State University, says in "Who's on First? Lucifer," that when Abbott and Costello's most popular routine, "Who's on First," is played backward, it is a satanic chant dating to the third century A.D. that was commonly recited by worshippers of satan an unholy ritual to raise the dead.
"The part in the routine where Abbott says, 'I don't know's on third,' when played backward, is the cue for the Seven Corpses of Osiris to perform a ghastly human sacrifice. Believe me, there is nothing funny about that routine," said Professor Roadhouse.
In Dr. Roadhouse's next book, he will chronicle head "Three Stooge" Moe Howard's lifelong attempts to master the art of voodoo in order to inflict greater pain on his fellow Stooges.
HAVANA CHAMBER OF COMMERCE TO PRESENT CASTRO WITH WRIST WATCH IN GRATITUDE FOR FIFTY YEARS OF LOYAL SERVICE, DICTATORSHIP
HAVANA - The Havana Chamber of Commerce will host a farewell luncheon for Fidel Castro next Monday to thank the maximum leader for his fifty years of dictatorship in service to the Cuban people. The Havana Kiwanis Club will co-chair the luncheon.
According to a press release, the Chamber of Commerce will present Mr. Castro with a series of lovely parting gifts, including an engraved wrist watch and a leather attaché case. A spokesman for Mr. Castro said the Cuban leader was deeply moved when informed about the farewell luncheon. Late yesterday, Mr. Castro issued a statement to reporters covering his departure from power. “You work for somebody, or some people for so long, you begin to wonder if they even recognize all of your efforts. After fifty years, it’s nice to know my hard work was appreciated.”
Mr. Castro said he didn’t have any solid plans for retirement. “I’ll do a little traveling with the wife, and I’ll probably get around to some house-hold projects I’ve been putting off since the Bay of Pigs invasion.” Mr. Castro said he was referring to the long-delayed digging of a French drain around the foundation of his home to stop the seepage of water into his basement. “It’s just nice to know after all these years, I won’t have to get up in the morning and imprison this guy, or execute that guy,” said Castro. “That’s Raul’s problem now.”
OBAMA DETAILS HIS NEW ANTI-TERROR POLICY
"The only thing we have to fear," the Illinois Senator said, "is fear itself."
OBAMA DETAILS HIS NEW ECONOMIC POLICY
Asked why these measures are so important, Illinois Senator responds, "It's the economy, stupid."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)