POPE TO MAKE PILGRIMAGE TO ST. VINCENT ’S COLLEGE THIS JULY, HOPES TO HEAL GREAT SCHISM BETWEEN STEELER MANAGEMENT, FANECA

VATICAN CITY -Pope Benedict XVI will make his first pilgrimage to an NFL training camp this summer when he will travel to St. Vincent ’s College in Latrobe, Pennsylvania , in an effort to heal the great schism that has developed between Pittsburgh Steelers management and all-pro guard Alan Faneca over the issue of a contract extension.

The Pope is expected to spend several days watching practice and mingling with fans. Reports that he planned to coach the defense in the Steelers legendary “goal-line” drill remain unconfirmed.

The primary reason for the visit, however, is to resolve the contract dispute that threatens to become a gigantic distraction for first year coach Mike Tomlin. “The Holy Father has been following developments in this situation very closely,” said a spokesman for the Vatican who wished to remain anonymous. “One of the central missions of his papacy, as he stated early on, is to bring peace where there is war, and to reconcile those in conflict. The Holy Father believes the continuation of hostilities between the Rooney family and Mr. Faneca would do grievous damage to both parties, not to mention create innumerable crisis of faith in the souls of the greatest fans in the world.”

Details of the pilgrimage are expected to be released by the NFL commissioner’s office this morning. This is the second time a Pope has visited Steelers training camp. In 1974, Pope Paul VI met with members of the Steel Curtain and gave them a general absolution for any personal fouls committed in the course of the season.

GEORGIA COURT THROWS OUT SUIT TO BAN HARRY POTTER BOOKS FROM SCHOOLS BECAUSE THEY PROMOTE WITCHCRAFT

DISAPPOINTED PLAINTIFF DARRIN STEPHENS VOWS TO CONTINUE "NO WITCHCRAFT" CRUSADE

POST-GAZETTE EDITORIAL BOARD SLAMS PEDUTO FOR STEPPING OUT OF THE WAY OF APPROACHING TRUCK

“He made a commitment to cross the street. He should have stuck to his convictions instead of stepping back onto the curb.”

JIM TRACY ADMITS HE PLAGIARIZED PRE-SEASON PEP TALK FROM CAPT. HAZELWOOD OF THE EXXON VALDEZ

"I hate to disappoint the pundits, but I sense a winning attitude among my crew that I didn't sense on our last voyage together." Pirates manager Jim Tracy, April 1, 2007

BUSH VISITS NEW WAR CZAR'S OFFICE, LEAVES VISIBLY UPSET THAT THERE ARE NO COSSACKS ON STAFF

"EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF CZAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE PRESIDENT

ANGRY DEER ATTACKS DOGS, VOW MORE ASSAULTS UNLESS BOW SEASON, DEERSKIN GLOVES HALTED

PITTSBURGH -- A rogue deer that has attacked three dogs in the South Hills has sent a shiver throughout the canine community. Randy, a blind and elderly wheaten terrier-mix was attacked and stomped by a deer yesterday in Mt. Lebanon. Randy described the incident from his hospital bed: "I was peeing on a tree and this deer came out of the woods and asked me if my owner drives a Chevy Impala - with deer fur in the grille, then he started stomping on me."

Bailey, 7-year-old beagle from Bethel Park, told a similar story. "I was sniffing a bush that some of my friends had peed on and a deer came out of the woods and said, 'This is for buck season,' and just started stomping me."

Notes left at both crime scenes complained about hit and run drivers, bow season and deerskin gloves. It said the attacks will continue and that 'dogs will pay dearly for any deer that show up missing.' The notes also demanded fifteen minutes with Sally Wiggin, to explain the terrorist acts. The notes were signed "Venison Vigilantes."

Police described the deer as medium build, brown fur, brown eyes, white tail. Anyone who sees deer matching this description stomping on dogs is encouraged to contact police.

STEVE BLASS LEAVES BOOTH AND CHARGES MOUND

Veteran announcer grabs ball from Duke and screams, “I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”

PITTSBURGH - After weeks of watching the Pirates once-promising pitching staff falter, former starter and current color analyst Steve Blass suddenly left the booth during the top of the fourth inning during Zack Duke’s last start.

Although the rest of the broadcast team originally thought that he might be ill, they soon saw him charging the mound and accosting the surprised Duke. After delivering a verbal lashing, Blass then grabbed the ball from Duke and said, “Like this! Geez! I’ll do it myself!”

Blass then went on to finish the game striking out six and allowing only one hit.

STEELERS RELEASE GRAPHIC THAT PROVES CASINO TRAFFIC WILL INTERFERE WITH FOOTBALL GAMES

POLICE SAY BOMB SCARE AT GRANT AND BLVD. OF ALLIES WAS FALSE ALARM

IT WAS JUST ADAM LaROCHE TAKING A WALK

LOW-INCOME PEOPLE TO GET PREFERENCE FOR CASINO JOBS

DON BARDEN: "RICH FAT CATS EARNING IN EXCESS OF $100,000 WILL NOT BE ELIGIBLE FOR JOBS AT MY CASINO, ALL OF WHICH PAY $5.85 PER HOUR."

RESULTS OF O’DONNELL-HASSELBACK POLL ARE IN

The results are in on the Carbolic Smoke Ball’s scientific poll concerning the startling announcement that former member of The View, Rosie O’Donnell, will never speak again to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who criticized Rosie for implying that United States Troops in Iran were terrorists.

In response to the question, "Do you care whether Rosie ever again speaks to Elizabeth," the results were:

“WHO’S YOUR DADDY?”

Mayor mistakes serious inquiry from constituent as a come-on.

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl apparently believes he was "hit on" by a 35 year-old mother of two at a recent function. The woman, Amy Caldwell of Shadyside, was in front of the young Mayor as they stood in line for drinks at a fundraiser for the Democratic Party. Noticing him, Caldwell asked him who his Daddy was. The mayor just smiled and whispered to one of his staff members, “Yeah, they say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac!”

Told of the Mayor’s interpretation of the event, a shocked Caldwell said, “That was the Mayor? And he thought I was coming on to him? Please! I just thought that boy was too young to be in here and I wanted to make sure his father knew where the kid was! Give me a break!”

CHARLES NELSON REILLY INFURIATED TO LEARN ASCOTS FORBIDDEN IN HEAVEN

SAINT PETER PLACATES DECEASED GAME SHOW PANELIST BY ALLOWING HIM TO USE HIS PIPE IN DESIGNATED SMOKING AREAS

RAND COMMISSION STUDY FINDS HIGH PRICE OF GASOLINE NOT KEEPING YOUNG PEOPLE FROM FLEEING REGION

NORTH SHORE RESIDENTS COMPLAIN 'TOO MANY MEMORIALS' IN THE WORKS, WANT FRED ROGERS MEMORIAL COMBINED WITH WORLD WAR II MEMORIAL

RESIDENTS SUGGEST STRAPPING CAMOUFLAGE SWEATER AND ASSAULT RIFLE ON MR. ROGERS STATUE

SEASON FINALE OF “24” LEAVES AUDIENCE, CRITICS COLD; FINAL EPISODE NOTHING BUT JACK BAUER PREPARING FOR BED

HOLLYWOOD - Last week's season finale of the popular Fox drama “24,” has elicited nothing but groans from fans and critics alike. The show airs in real time. Each one hour episode depicts events that transpire over a sixty minute period in the life of fictional American secret agent Jack Bauer. The final installment, which ran for two hours, was set between the hours of four and six a.m.

“The action, and I use that term loosely, consisted of nothing but Bauer brushing, flossing, and gargling for nearly the entire first hour,” complained Washington Post television critic Tom Shales. “Things picked up a bit when our hero discovered the anti-bacterial soap dispenser on his bathroom sink was empty, and went full-throttle throughout the house looking for a replacement, but we knew he was going to find one. He always does.”

Overnight ratings indicate the audience agreed. Millions of viewers tuned out for the final twenty minutes. In doing so, they missed Bauer fluffing up his pillows, climbing into bed, and reading a book. The show ended with Bauer nodding off to sleep, his reading glasses falling to the bridge of his nose, drool spilling from the corner of his mouth.

“If the folks at Fox want people to come back, they’re going to have to make some big changes,” said Shales. “I’ve seen an advance copy of next season’s premiere, and I’m not interested in watching fifty minutes of Jack Bauer bathing, shaving, and pressing a pair of trousers before he heads out to save the world after the last commercial break.”

MAYOR PUSHES IMMIGRATION BILL TO ERECT FENCE AROUND PITTSBURGH TO KEEP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM LEAVING

WASHINGTON - Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Rahvenstahl voiced his support for a contentious immigration measure that narrowly passed the Senate. At the mayor's urging, Sen. Bob Casey (D-PA) added an amendment to the bill by that would fund a fourteen-foot fence around Pittsburgh to slow the city's population loss.

"We need to protect out borders", said the mayor. "Not only would the fence keep the young people here, it will add an urban hip-hop vibe that could attract more young people to the area."

LOST HUMPBACK WHALES COAXED BACK TO SEA WITH THREATS OF BEING SENT TO THE PITTSBURGH ZOO & AQUARIUM

BIOLOGISTS SAY THE WHALES MUST BE AWARE OF THE AQUARIUM’S REPUTATION. NOW HEADED FOR DEEP WATER AFTER VOICE RECORDINGS OF ZOO PRESIDENT BARBARA BAKER WERE PLAYED

BUSH PROPOSES RENAMING MEMORIAL DAY TO HONOR THE LATE CHARLES NELSON REILLY

STARTING IN 2008, NEW NAME FOR HOLIDAY WILL BE "CHARLES NELSON REILLY-MEMORIAL DAY"

Special Carbolic Smoke Ball Video Report on Pittsburgh's Population Decline

CLICK HERE

POST-GAZETTE BOOK REVIEWER SAYS 'PAPER SABOTAGED MY REVIEW'

PG's editorial board made it appear that Bob Hoover loathes his "hero" Ronald Reagan

By Bob Hoover, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

I have no idea if this will make it into the Post-Gazette because the editorial board might block it, as they block most things I write, so I'm also sending it to another reputable news source in the hope it gets printed.

This is an addendum to my review "Ronald Reagan takes note ... Dear Diary: Today I avoided World War III" (which I thought was a very pithy and funny title -- I came up with that one myself). The book is a compilation of Reagan diary entries. In the review as printed, a critical sentence was purposefully excised by the paper, and this edit made me sound like a left-wing nut.

In the review, I mentioned that Reagan "completely ignor[ed] the murderous legacy of military dictatorships" (I would add here: what's so bad about that?), and that to Reagan, Democrats "were almost as bad as the Russians" (I wholeheartedly agree, but can't say that out loud at the PG for fear of being garroted), and that Reagan punished even Republicans who refused to do his will (rightfully so, in my opinion). I threw in those things to give the appearance of being tough on Reagan, hoping the editorial board would conclude I passed their litmus test and quit reading right then and there.

The review also states the following: "If one aspect of Reagan's personality emerges from these rather oddly selected passages, it is his consistency. Or, to put it another way, his ideological rigidity." But this was supposed to be followed by the most critical sentence in the entire piece, which the paper's editorial board excised: "Of course, it was such rigidity that ultimately prompted even Ted Kennedy to declare that Reagan will be honored as the president who won the cold war."

Do you see the difference?

The paper's editorial board typically reviews every piece that references either Reagan or deceased restaurant critic Mike Kalina before it goes to print. That's the rule. In this case, they took a hatchet to my work. I'm writing this addendum because I am certain the edited product does not convey my deep love for arguably the twentieth century's greatest president. (I'm also using my actual photograph here, as opposed to the one the PG uses, which is not me -- it's ex-editor John Craig's brother-in-law.) But I'll bet you'll never see this addendum printed in the Post-Gazette.

AYATOLLAH ALI-SISTANI ISSUES FATWA URGING MUSLIMS TO KILL ANYONE WEARING WHITE BEFORE MEMORIAL DAY

CLERIC CALLS SLOPPY DRESS "UNPARDONABLE INSULT" AGAINST GOD, FASHION

THIS YEAR'S BATTLE REENACTMENT AT GETTYSBURG: THE IRAQ WAR; SPECTATORS INSTINCTIVELY CHANT FOR ACTORS PLAYING AMERICAN SOLDIERS TO GO HOME

Now who's the nitwit? It was a gag, people!

This Web site has received seven inquiries from persons who do not appear to be regular readers (they could not be) asking for details or expressing disbelief and, in one case, anger about the following post: Commencement speaker calls graduates "a generation of nitwits."

Perhaps we'll need to start resorting to emoticons to clearly signal "that was supposed to be a gag."

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY TODAY . . .

CLICK HERE

REPORT: MAYHEM IN IRAQ LINKED TO HARVEY KORMAN

"I want an army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the west. I want to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, sh*t kickers and Methodists."

POST-GAZETTE REPEATS NEWS FROM YESTERDAY

ONLY FOUR READERS COMPLAIN

STEELERS COACH INADVERTENTLY E-MAILS VIDEO DESCRIBED AS 'OFFENSIVE,' 'SHOCKING' AND 'HIGHLY OBJECTIONABLE'

Footage sent to league offices across America contained clips from the 2006 Steelers highlight video

ROONEY CALLS FOR 'GOOD OLD FASHIONED INQUISITION' TO DISCOVER WHO RECEIVED ZIERLEIN'S PORN EMAIL; ZIERLEIN TO BE GARROTED

ROONEY FIRES COMPUTER THAT FORWARDED PORN TO NFL OFFICIALS; ORDERS PC TO 'CLEAN OUT YOUR FILES AND LEAVE'

PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers have fired the computer responsible for forwarding a pornographic video to league offices earlier this month.

The computer, which once held a position on the desk of offensive line coach Larry Zierlein, left the Steeler offices yesterday without comment. A club spokesman issued a statement from Steelers chairman Dan Rooney. “We are taking steps to make sure Coach Zierlein gets the help he needs. He’ll be meeting with someone from tech support today to learn how to operate the 'delete' key. Watching pornography on your computer on work time is something I would expect from government employees, but not from our people. It would take a million Terrible Towels to remove the stain this incident has brought upon our organization.”

The spokesman said “Mr. Rooney is speaking figuratively, of course, not literally.”

Informed that his computer had been fired, Coach Zierlein became emotional. “We had a lot of good times together. When I think of those long, lonely, off-season afternoons . . . . But I’ve said too much already.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a statement of his own. “Upon further review, and further review, and still further review, I have determined the video sent to me by Coach Zierlein is, indeed, pornographic. However, I will require additional time to study this matter, from every conceivable angle, and if possible, in high-def, before making a determination on whether a punishment is warranted.”

BUSH DEMANDS APOLOGY FROM JIMMY CARTER FOR REMARK THAT BUSH IS WORST PRESIDENT SINCE JIMMY CARTER

SUZIE MCCONNELL-SERIO PLEADS WITH DON IMUS TO MAKE RACIALLY INSENSITIVE REMARK ABOUT THE LADY DUKES

New Duquesne women’s basketball coach calls this the cornerstone to her recruitment efforts

STEELERS COACH ACCIDENTALLY SENDS PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEO TO LEAGUE OFFICE; COMMISSIONER DECLINES TO COMMENT 'UNTIL I WATCH THIS THING A COUPLE MORE TIMES'

THE TERRIBLE FAN WARNS NEW STEELERS MASCOT TO STAY OUT OF SECTION 533 "IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM"

INDONESIAN FISHERMAN NETS ANCIENT FISH, SHOW ON ESPN

MANADO, Indonesia - Yustinus “Hooker” Lahama, the Indonesian fisherman who caught an ancient fish last week, will host a prime time fishing show on ESPN.

“This is great,” said Lahama as his finished his last bites of the coelacanth, a fish once thought to have become extinct at the time of the dinosaurs. “This is great,” he repeated.

ESPN made the announcement about the show featuring Lahama just hours after news of his catch reached its headquarters in New York.

“Our research shows that no one wants to watch some guy sitting in a boat tying to catch a [freaking] trout but this [Lahama] caught a monster,” explained ESPN executive G. Barkley Givens, “We’re going to promote him as the Tiger Woods of fishing.”

Givens admitted that the sports network is facing one challenge getting Lahama’s show on the air. “The only English he knows is ‘this is great’ which is fine for a fishing show – there isn’t much talking anyway. But, he’ll lose all credibility if says ‘this is great’ as his boat is sinking.”

STEELERS NAME LARRY ZIERLEIN OFFENSIVE VIDEO COACH

TOMLIN INTERVIEWS LARRY FLYNT FOR ZIERLEIN'S OLD JOB

BREAKING NEWS: REGION UNDER ALAN ALERT, STEELER GUARD REPORTED AS MISSING FROM PRACTICE, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN

SON OF A BITCH JON DELANO SNUBS EDITOR OF CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL

COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - On Tuesday afternoon at approximately 1:45, that son of a bitch television reporter Jon Delano sat across the aisle from me at the Smithfield Cafe interviewing the restaurant's owner John Petrolias regarding the Commonwealth Court's decision lifting the smoking ban, and the son of a bitch snubbed me.

I would have created a scene were it not for my great affection for Mr. Petrolias.

Flanked by his cameraman and holding the Commonwealth Court's 20-page opinion, the son of a bitch came into the restaurant and even had time to kill because a Channel 4 reporter beat him to Mr. Petrolias and he had to stand around waiting. Did he come over to me? He did not. He was more concerned about getting a "good" shot than coming over to pay his respects to the Dean of Pittsburgh journalism. This was especially unfortunate because, as a former Meyer Darragh attorney myself, I could have furnished him a world-class legal analysis of that judicial decision.

Carbolic Smoke Ball is not petty and does not hold grudges, but Delano shall pay for this slight henceforth on these pages. You have my word on that.

MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL, KDKA TV’S JON DELANO TO PARTICIPATE IN UPMC EXPERIMENT, BOTH WILL ENTER “FLY” MACHINE AT SAME TIME TO “BLEND VOICES”

UPMC, South Side -- Under the advisement of Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has agreed to undergo an unprecedented and unproven procedure that, according to Onorato, "might make him sound like a human being." Ravenstahl will be placed inside a futuristic machine alongside KDKA TV’s political editor Jon Delano, in an effort to blend their voices so that Ravenstahl's monotone will be diffused with normal voice inflections. One of the benefits of the procedure is that some of the melody will be extracted from Delano's "sing-songy" delivery.

The two will enter a machine known as a FLY (according to a UPMC public relations officer, “some Gen-X doodle-head has yet to make up a clever acronym for that"), and their DNA will be transformed into “billions and billions of invisible particles in the air which will mix and swirl around.”

“The Mayor and Mr. Delano will then be genetically reconstructed into their separate selves, and come out together via an identical machine located on the other side of the room -- which isn’t really necessary, because technically, they could just come out of that first machine, but you can’t argue with it because it certainly adds to the dramatic effect, don't you think?” said the public relations officer.

Ravenstahl says he looks forward to participating in the landmark event: “I’m humbled by all of this, and expect to continue to do so. But for our city to move forward, it’s a necessary step and a risk I‘ve agreed to take.”

Delano is considerably less excited about the procedure. Doctors say it is slightly riskier because of his age and occupation. Reportedly, he signed on after bowing to pressure from KDKA management, who think that although he is "absolutely brilliant, he just doesn’t talk like the other reporters and anchors, or for that matter, the other human beings.”

The leader of the medical team noted, “You could say this is a great example of trying to kill two birds with one stone, but that might give people the wrong impression. These are serious quality-of-life issues we’re trying to deal with.”

The event will occur at the UPMC indoor practice center on the South Side this coming Saturday at 10 a.m. Tickets are now on sale for the public, and all proceeds will go toward the erection of more billboards featuring Ravenstahl’s photo.

HAZ-MAT TEAMS, SANDBLASTING EQUIPMENT AND TANKER FULL OF BLEACH SHOW UP TO RENOVATE THE GARDEN THEATRE

Crews to work around the clock cleaning the floor and seats of infamous North Side movie house

FALWELL RESURRECTED FROM THE DEAD; ERNEST ANGLEY CREDITED

LITERALLY BORN-AGAIN FALWELL SAYS HE IS THANKFUL, BUT MIGHT SUE ANGLEY FOR SMACKING HIM ON THE HEAD DURING HEALING SERVICE

LYNCHBURG, VA - Reverend Jerry Falwell shocked thousands of would-be mourners yesterday by appearing at his own funeral and informing them that he had been miraculously healed by the Reverend Ernest Angley.

Falwell, 73, died last week after collapsing in his office at Liberty University.

Falwell advised his followers he intends to rest for the next few days to regain his strength and to appear on the “Ernest Angley Hour” this coming weekend, unless he decides to sue Angley for "smacking me so hard on the forehead."

PIRATES PROMOTE MOSES; TRACY SAYS ISRAELITE ROOKIE WILL LEAD BUCS FROM LAST-PLACE BONDAGE TO PROMISED LAND

PITTSBURGH - Pirates General Manager David Littlefield announced that the team has promoted promising twenty-five hundred year old rookie Moses to the major leagues. Moses is considered to be a key figure in Littlefield’s so-called “Forty-Year Plan” to rebuild the Pirates into a contender.

“This is the guy we need to lead us as we continue to wander aimlessly through the barren desert that is the National League Central Division,” said Littlefield.

Moses is expected to join the team in St. Louis tomorrow, after he parts the Mississippi River. Littlefield said he expected Moses would have an impact on the fortunes of the club, but tempered his remarks by asking fans to be patient. “Don’t expect miracles out of this kid right away.”

Moses was originally drafted by the New York Yankees, but was released when he refused to adhere to George Steinbrenner’s “no facial hair” policy. At the time, Moses explained his decision this way. “I answer to an even higher Boss.”

A scout from the Pirates Middle East division signed him to a minor league contract, where he put up excellent numbers in Lynchburg and Indianapolis. One Pirates official, who wished to remain anonymous, praised Littlefield’s decision. “This guy is going to be a plague on National League pitching.”

Manager Jim Tracy said he planned to play Moses at first base, as well as catcher. “No one has been able to run on this guy,” said Tracy . “He has a real thing about not letting people steal.”

KING FRIDAY DIAGNOSED WITH ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE; SUCCESSION CRISIS LOOMS IN NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE

NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE - King Friday XIII, who survived two assassination attempts and a lengthy battle with prostate cancer during the course of his forty years on the throne, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease today by his royal physician Dr. Bill Platypus.

The diagnosis confirms suspicions of castle insiders, who have been concerned about the King’s behavior for some time. “It is with great regret that I must inform the citizens of this Neighborhood that our beloved King Friday XIII is suffering from a mild form of dementia,” said Dr. Bill. “The disease is in its early stages, but it will ultimately rob his royal majesty of the ability to effectively rule this Neighborhood.”

Upon hearing the news, the King’s son, Prince Tuesday, seized power. “I have waited for lo these many years,” said the Prince. “At last I can take my rightful place in the realm of imaginary regents.”

The Prince issued a press release declaring martial law, ordering all neighborhood residents to stay inside their tree, factory, clock, museum-go-round and platypus hill until further notice. “Violators will be shot on sight,” he promised.

Long-time observers of the royal make-believe family are speculating that the Prince has imprisoned his mother, Queen Sarah Saturday, in an attempt to consolidate his reign. The Queen hasn’t been seen in public since attending the funeral of former Russian Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin last month.

NEW HARRY POTTER FILM TO GET 'X' RATING

STAR DANIEL RADCLIFFE INSISTED ON DOING ENTIRE FILM IN THE NUDE, WITH A HORSE

CURATOR OF FORT PITT MUSEUM DIDN’T REALIZE FORT PITT MUSEUM WAS STILL OPEN

CMU'S SCOTTY DOG MASCOT TO SNIFF BEHINDS, URINATE ON LEGS OF OPPONENTS

HILTON SENTENCE REDUCED

HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton has been offered a reduced jail sentence for good behavior since her recent arrest. Conditions of the offer include Hilton serving her sentence as a Wal-Mart greeter rather than at the Century Regional Detention Center in suburban Lynwood, Hilton's lawyer, DUI specialist Richard Hutton, called the conditions "unreasonable." Hutton explained: "We would consider Penney's, but she's not serving hard time at Wal-Mart."

Journalists speculate that if Hilton serves her sentence outside of jail, it would void the book deal she has signed to document her jail experience. The working title of Hilton's planned book is "Jail is Ickey."

MAYOR VOWS TO ELIMINATE POLITICS FROM REDD UP CAMPAIGN, ANNOUNCES NEW REDD UP CAMPAIGN TO REDD UP THE REDD UP CAMPAIGN

FOLLOWING ANOTHER LOSING WEEKEND FOR THE BUCS, BOB NUTTING SENDS NOTE TO PITTSBURGH SPORTS WRITERS: 'I AM ANONYMOUS AGAIN'

ANOTHER PATIENT'S MEDICAL RECORDS POP UP ON INTERNET, UPMC GIVES UP TRYING TO MAINTAIN CONFIDENTIALITY

HEALTH CARE BEHEMOTH WILL SIMPLY MAIL ALL ITS CONFIDENTIAL PATIENT INFORMATION TO EVERY HOUSEHOLD IN THE TRI-STATE AREA

DEMS REPEAT CALL FOR GONZALES' OUSTER, WANT MATLOCK TO CLEAN HOUSE