EDITORIAL: ONLY MAYORS WHO ARE SIDESHOW ACTS BRING THE CITY NATIONAL ACCLAIM

HAVING A YOUNG MAYOR IS FAIRLY FREAKISH, BUT TO REALLY PUT PITTSBURGH ON THE MAP WE NEED A MAYOR WITH PRONOUNCED CONGENITAL PHYSICAL PECULIARITIES, A REAL CIRCUS FREAK

Last week, Pittsburgh's Mayor Luke Ravenstahl landed on the front page of the New York Times (and this Web site was cited in that story). Last night, he appeared on David Letterman's show. The last Pittsburgh mayor to appear with Mr. Letterman was Sophie Masloff.

Ravenstahl and Masloff succeeded mayors who were exceedingly well-liked and, by any objective criteria, better qualified to lead the city of Pittsburgh than either Ravenstahl or Masloff. But neither of their predecessors, Bob O'Connor and Richard Caliguiri, ever landed on David Letterman's show.

The truth of the matter is that Ravenstahl and Masloff landed on Mr. Letterman's show for only one reason: To put it in terms that are politically correct, they were and are atypical. Masloff was a 70-something grandmother; Ravenstahl, at 26, is perhaps the youngest-ever mayor of a major U.S. city.

You see, the only way to draw attention to Pittsburgh on a national scale is to have a mayor that is a sideshow attraction.

There is nothing wrong with that, and I say we need to exploit it. What difference does it make how we get the attention so long as we get it? But my question is, why are we limiting ourselves to mayors who are sideshow attractions only because of their age?

What we really need to put us on the map is a mayor with pronounced congenital physical peculiarities, a circus freak of genetic-mutation proportions, a human oddity, an unfortunate mistake of nature.

Western Pennsylvania has sports teams that fit this description (e.g., the Pirates); roads (e.g., McKnight Road, Bates Street); even entire neighborhoods (e.g., Oakland). But none of these can run for mayor.

Is there any question that a two-foot tall mayor would be a world-class celebrity, and that having such a mayor would provide publicity to Pittsburgh that it otherwise wouldn't get? The question scarcely survives its statement.

Admittedly it would be preferable to be known for some accomplishment unique to the region such as, oh, being the steel capital of the world. But Pittsburgh has no such accomplishments any longer, as much as we try to delude ourselves. So, for the next mayoral election I say, "circus freaks only need apply."

News you'll read ONLY here at the Carbolic Smoke Ball

LOCAL STATIONS STRUGGLE TO COMPLY WITH FCC REGULATIONS WHEN REPORTING SETTLEMENT IN McKEESPORT GETGO MICROWAVE PENIS COOKING

PITTSBURGH - The case of the "penis" in the microwave was settled yesterday with an agreement on a disorderly conduct plea. Leslye Creighton, 41, of Wilkinsburg, has agreed to take full responsibility for the incident in which she asked a clerk at a McKeesport GetGo convenience store to warm up a penis-shaped device in the store's microwave. When the object gave off an odor, the clerk checked on it and found what she thought was a real penis. She reported it to police. Ms. Creighton agreed to plead guilty to disorderly conduct.

Area television news directors are relieved that the story has run its course as they have struggled for months to comply with federally mandated broadcast standards of decency when reporting this bizarre incident. KDKA reporter Bob Allen, who first reported the story on the morning news, used a variety of euphemisms to avoid saying the word “penis” over the air. In the course of a two minute and twenty-five second remote from the site of the incident, Allen described the errant penis as “human male genitalia"; "a sensitive male body part"; "schlong"; "microwave-heated throbbing missile of desire"; "woo-hoo"; "south-of-the-border love rod"; "royal scepter of the crown jewels"; "every guy's favorite upstanding citizen"; and "permanent resident of my personal nuthouse.” Allen also frequently made animated gestures pointing to his crotch. On one broadcast, for the last thirty seconds of his story, Allen’s voice was heard while the camera remained focused on his trousers.

WTAE news director Bob Longo said the local stations had no choice but to be "extra sensitive" about how they reported this matter. “We’re living in a time of new Puritanism. Sally Wiggin teased viewers by telling them that 'Coming up a little later in the broadcast we’ve got a real cock and bull story.' Two hours ago, our lawyers were informed that the FCC was planning to slap us with a one million dollar fine.”

Longo said that Wiggins' most embarrassing moment occurred the day the incident was first reported, when police thought the device was a real human member. She started to read the story: "Allegheny County Police are asking all local males to perform a thorough examination of their genitals as soon as possible." At this Wiggin started to giggle. "If, after checking," she strained to continue, "anyone discovers their penis is missing, they are asked to call the Allegheny County Police Department." By this point Wiggin was laughing so hard she had to be escorted from the news set.

COREY O'CONNOR, 21, PREPARES TV AD TO CHALLENGE "OLD MAN" LUKE RAVENSTAHL FOR MAYOR

SHOT OF PLAQUE COMMEMORATING WORLD'S FIRST NICKELODEON ON SMITHFIELD STREET

VOICEOVER: "LUKE RAVENSTAHL IS SO OLD, HE REMEMBERS NICKELODEONS BEFORE THEY RAISED THE PRICE TO A NICKEL.

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE.

IT'S TIME FOR YOUNG BLOOD.

SEND THE OLD MAN PACKING.

VOTE O'CONNOR."

RAVENSTAHL’S APPEARANCE ON OPRAH MARRED BY FURNITURE JUMPING, FROTHING AT THE MOUTH

CHICAGO - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl’s tour of the national talk show circuit took a bizarre turn yesterday when he shocked Oprah Winfrey by jumping on her furniture while proclaiming his love for the city he leads. After welcoming Mr. Ravenstahl to her program, Ms. Winfrey began her interview by asking a question about municipal bonds. Mr. Ravenstahl declined to answer. Instead, he told her he had a confession to make. "You know what, Oprah?" he asked. "I’m in love. I’m in love with the city of Pittsburgh!" Ravenstahl repeated his proclamation of affection for his hometown for the next ten minutes, raising his voice with each outburst. By the twentieth time, the wild-eyed Mayor was leaning over a frightened Winfrey, recoiling in her chair, while Ravenstahl clutched her shoulders and shouted at the top of his lungs. Ms. Winfrey went to a commercial break, and when the show resumed, Mayor Ravenstahl was gone.

This is the second time in two days that Mayor Ravenstahl has behaved in an uncharacteristically aggressive manner. On Tuesday, the Mayor used an appearance on CNN to criticize actress Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants following the birth of her child. He also called "Suddenly Susan," an NBC sitcom in which Shields starred, "about as funny as a four-alarm fire at an orphanage."

Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said Ravenstahl was suffering the after-effects of a bite he received from a rabid squirrel while helping an old woman cross the street in his Observatory Hill neighborhood. He promised there would be no repeat of his Oprah Winfrey behavior when he appears on The David Letterman Show tonight. "From what I understand," he said, "They’re removed all of the furniture from the set."

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL, ACCIDENTALLY LEFT ALONE IN CITY-COUNTY BUILDING, THWARTS BURGLARY

PITTSBURGH - The Ravenstahl administration attended a swanky floating awards dinner aboard the Majestic last night, but forgot to bring Mayor Luke Ravenstahl along. Ravenstahl was napping on the couch in his office when the members of his administration departed for the annual Vectors dinner. By the time anyone realized the Mayor was not with them, the boat had left the dock. "I did a head count right before we boarded," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar, "but I guess I accidentally counted one of the local skateboard kids as the mayor."

A frightened Ravenstahl awoke to an empty City-County building at around 9:00 p.m. At first he was content to get into the sort of mischief a young man gets into when the freedom of being home alone is suddenly foist upon him. But some time after 10 o'clock, he heard a noise in the lobby. He made his way down the steps and saw that two thieves masquerading as delivery men had broken into the building. One of them resembled semi-retired actor Joe Pesci. Ravenstahl quickly ran back to his office on the fifth floor and locked the door. With a flash of inspiration, he pulled out from the closet the life-sized cardboard people that former Mayor Tom Murphy had purchased to be surrogates for the friends he never had. Truth be told, even the cardboard people wanted nothing to do with Murphy. But now Ravenstahl would put them to good use as he rigged them up to motorized contraptions in front of the frosted glass door to make it appear they were moving to and fro. When the burglars slinked onto the fifth floor, they looked through the door of the mayor's office and saw what appeared to be a party in full swing. In fact, it was just one boy.

Eventually the bad men figured out what Luke had done and decided to break into the office. The young mayor knew that it was time for him to become a man so he lured the malefactors inside and proceeded to treat them to all manner of tortures and humiliations, from covering them with glue and feathers to repeatedly striking them in the face with flying paint cans. By the time the police arrived just after midnight, the burglars gladly gave themselves up. Shortly thereafter the Mayor's administration returned from the dinner. When they learned what had transpired, they had a new respect for Luke.

"I think we've misjudged Master Ravenstahl," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "Tonight, he showed us he's a man."

THIS NEWS SOURCE APOLOGIZES FOR THE URBAN LEGEND IT STARTED THAT SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTUCTION

This news source issues a long overdue apology for what was supposed to be an inside joke that appeared in its April Fool's day edition seven years ago. That joke described how decimated Iraq supposedly was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, both chemical and biological. Frankly, we thought the story was so ridiculous that nobody would believe it.

We were wrong.

Unfortunately, the myth was picked up by former President Bill Clinton, who obtained all of his news from this website. It spread to the current Bush adminstration. Other nations bought into it, and even the United Nations thought it was serious enough to look into. For his part, Saddam Hussein, looking to bolster his badly tarnished tough-guy image in the middle east, "denied" that he possessed such weapons in a manner so coy that everyone assumed he was lying, which is what Saddam intended.

We learned our lesson and have never carried another fabricated story. We regret we cannot undo the harm we've caused, and have worked hard ever since to regain the trust of our readers.

THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM

PRESIDENT BUSH SENDS BURT REYNOLDS TO GUANTANAMO, WILL BUILD AL QAEDA PRISON FOOTBALL TEAM TO PLAY GUANTANAMO PRISON GUARDS

WASHINGTON - President Bush dispatched former Florida State University half- back Burt Reynolds to the U.S. Naval Base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba today, to assist high-value terrorist detainees recently transferred from secret CIA prisons abroad in assembling a football team.

One administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the move was made in response to complaints from groups such as Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch about the lack of recreational activities for men like Abu Zubaydah and Ramzi bin al-Shibh.

Before boarding his plane at Andrews Air Force Base, Mr. Reynolds told reporters he was confident he would be able to "take this rag-tag bunch of misfits, miscreants and mass murderers and make them something more than just a group of nihilists hell-bent on the destruction of Western civilization. I’m going to make them a football team." Mr. Reynolds said his immediate concern was to get the men into football shape. "I know these guys have been through training camps before," he said. "So I imagine they’ll be ready to take somebody’s head off in no time."

Reynolds, who served time in a Georgia prison in 1974 after he was convicted of impersonating an actor, cited his own experience as an inmate quarterback as "one of the most gratifying moments of my life." He said, "When I went around end for that last, longest yard on my way to the end zone, beating those sadistic guards and infuriating warden Eddie Albert in the process, I knew I could accomplish anything." Reynolds said he was optimistic that prisoners like Khalid Shaikh Mohammed would share a similar experience. "Who knows? He may end up making movies with Jim Nabors and Dom Deluise when he gets out," Reynolds quipped. Asked if he had any idea when that might occur, Reynolds emitted a short burst of high-pitch laughter and said, "The day after hell freezes over."

ARCHBISHOP THREATENS STEELER WITH EXCOMMUNICATION FOR LEWDNESS

PITTSBURGH - Troy Polamalu may be excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church, thanks to two of Western Pennsylvania's leading bloggers.

2 Political Junkies ran a story two weeks ago, and The Burgh Blog picked up on it, reporting that Polamalu posed semi-nude for the September issue of GQ Magazine. In response to the stories, the Diocese of Pittsburgh immediately launched an investigation and yesterday issued a report sternly warning Polamalu "to henceforth refrain from the producing material that constitutes near-occasions of sin similar to this depraved magazine cover." Father Lou Vallone, who headed the committee that drafted the report, summed it up: "What this means in English is, keep your damn clothes on, Troy."

Archbishop Donald Wuerl of Washington, D.C. traveled to Pittsburgh to personally deliver the rebuke to the popular Steeler. Steelers owner Dan Rooney accompanied the Archbishop and told a reporter that he was "shocked and thoroughly disgusted" by Polamalu's actions. "Why, if my father [Steeler founder Art Rooney] were to see this photograph, he'd rise from his grave and I'd only have to bury him again."

Diocesan spokesman Father Ron Lengwin said that the Church considers the matter closed. He added that the Church owes a debt of gratitude to the two popular bloggers. "While these two otherwise admirable bloggers admittedly surrendered to animalistic desires and improperly ogled this lewd photograph, nevertheless we give them a tip of the miter for bringing this abomination to our attention. All is forgotten, and this matter will never be brought up again, so long as Troy 'Caligula' Polamalu keeps his clothes on."

PIRATES DITCH KDKA FOR WPGB, SAY LAST PLACE WILL SOUND "MUCH BETTER" IN FM

PITTSBURGH - Pirates CEO Kevin McClatchy announced yesterday that the team's 51-year association with flagship station KDKA will end after this season and that the Pirates will take their broadcasts to WPGB 104.7 FM, which is part of the Clear Channel Communications empire.

McClatchy explained that Pirates' ownership fully expects no improvement in the quality of the team's play in 2007 and that the team "almost certainly" will experience its fifteenth consecutive losing season. But, he assured loyal Pirates fans, "losing will definitely sound much, much better in FM stereo."

Laughter heard from South Hills cemetery following announcement that KDKA lost Pirates' broadcast rights

TOM CRUISE ACCIDENTALLY EATS PART OF BRITNEY SPEARS' NEW BABY ALONG WITH PLACENTA

LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears reportedly gave birth to her second child, a boy, at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles today. Spears had been visiting with Tom Cruise and his fiance Katies Holmes at their Malibu beach house when she realized the baby was about to be born, so Cruise and Holmes drove her to the hospital.

Spears gave birth "without a hitch," according to a delivery room nurse who asked not to be identified. But joy quickly turned to tragedy when Cruise accidentally ate part of the infant. According to the nurse, Cruise was happily munching on placenta when "he just kept eating -- he must've thought the little boy was part of the placenta." Katie Holmes witnessed Cruise's unintentional cannibalism and wanted to scream out, but the "silent birth" tenets of the Church of Scientology, to which she and Cruise belong, prevented it. After a struggle, the nurse pulled the ravenous Cruise away from the infant.

The little boy weighed 7 pounds 7 onces at birth, and 5 pounds 2 onces after Cruise ate part of him.

BIN LADEN, AL-ZAWAHIRI, TO STAR IN HIMALAYAN DINNER THEATER TOUR OF THE ODD COUPLE

PESHAWAR - Osama Bin Laden and Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri will tour the Himalayan Dinner Theatre Circuit for a six-week run this fall in an Al Qaeda production of Neil Simon’s "The Odd Couple." In a videotape broadcast on the Al-Jazeera network yesterday, Bin Laden and al-Zawahiri exchanged playful barbs with one another about the play, their own similarities to the characters they portray, and the destruction of Western civilization. "Ladies and gentleman," said Bin Laden, jerking his thumb towards al-Zawahiri, "I think you know how much we’ve enjoyed working together through the years. We’ve been looking for an excuse to get in front of a live audience again, and the Zionist playwright with the deft comic touch has given us the perfect vehicle. Believe me when I tell you, we’re declaring Holy War – on your funny bone!"

Both men flashed broad grins. Bin Laden continued: "Ayman is a consummate professional, even if he is the original Oscar Madison!" At this, al-Zawahiri gave Bin Laden’s forearm a gentle slap, imploring him to "just stop, stop it right now." Looking directly into the camera, al-Zawahiri said he was so desperate to work again, he would have played Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof if Bin Laden had asked. "Anything to get him to take me out of this cave!" he joked. "On a serious note," he added. "I am honored to play a part made famous by Jack Klugman. It was Mr. Klugman’s work as Quincy, Medical Examiner, that inspired me to become a doctor."

The tour, which begins the end of the month, will conclude in mid-November. Al-Qaeda members receive a ten percent discount on tickets when presenting photo identification at the box office.

COREY O'CONNOR, 21, ANNOUNCES HE WILL CHALLENGE RAVENSTAHL, 26, FOR MAYOR: "IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE, THE OLD MAN MUST GO"

PITTSBURGH - Corey O'Connor, 21, youngest son of Pittsburgh's late Mayor Bob O'Connor, announced today that he will challenge 26-year old Luke Ravenstahl, who has been mayor for the past ten days, in the next mayoral election.

With the same high spirits he displayed when he led mourners in a chorus of the Steeler Polka at his father's funeral, O'Connor declared that the city has "grown stagnant" under Ravenstahl. "He's been in office for almost two weeks but I can assure you he can't point to a single accomplishment during all that time." Pulling out a terrible towel and whipping it around his head, he ratcheted up the volume of his voice: "In fact, this mayor has torn down everything my father built up. My father wanted to redd up the city; but under Mr. Ravenstahl, the city is unredd up, or not redd up, or not redded up. Mr. Ravenstahl has led us into a period of prolonged and sustained malaise and despair." O'Connor calls his program The New Frontier. "It's time, at long last, to pass the torch to a new generation of Pittsburghers," he declared.

O'Connor repeatedly poked fun at what he called Ravenstahl's "advanced" age, sprinkling his announcement with references to "Rip Van Ravenstahl" and "Metamucil Luke." At one point he derided the mayor as "someone who was born back in the Carter administration." Then he looked directly into the camera and addressed the voters at home: "You need to ask yourself: Are you better off today than you were when he took office?" O'Connor said that he could "rattle off statistics" to prove his point but mentioned only one: the price of gas has gone up one cent in the ten days since Ravenstahl took office. "Is that the kind of city you want to live in, where you're paying more for gas, instead of less?" When a reporter corrected him and advised that, in fact, the price of gas had decreased, O'Connor immediately pulled out the terrible towel and waved it above his head while screaming in a high-pitched voice.

Meanwhile, Ravenstahl's campaign unveiled the mayor's first television ad that will stress his experience and seasoning. It is called, "Tested by Fire: Ten days in the Cauldron of the Mayor's Office."

The New York Times cites this blog, calls it the city's equivalent of The Onion

PITTSBURGH - Our regular readers know that if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive there would be precious little time to serve the downtrodden. We make an exception in the case of The New York Times' front page story on Saturday about Pittsburgh's new mayor, Luke Ravenstahl, that cited this Web site and quoted one of our writers. It referred to us as "a satirical Web site and the city's equivalent of The Onion." We thought it ironic that one of the two most reputable news sources in the world had the courage to cite the other most reputable (us), and for this reason we salute the Times.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL DIAGNOSED WITH ACNE, DOCTORS CALL CONDITION SOCIALLY DEVASTATING, TREATABLE

PITTSBURGH - City of Pittsburgh residents were dealt another shocking blow yesterday when a spokesman for Mayor Luke Ravenstahl confirmed that the newest, youngest mayor in the history of the city was suffering from acne. Dick Skrinjar, former spokesman for the late Mayor Bob O’Connor serving in the same capacity for Mayor Ravenstahl, said the new mayor was "resting comfortably, surrounded by family and friends." He added that the Mayor was "responding beautifully" to the "intensive, relentless application of hot compresses to the infected area."

Dr. David Corbett, Chief of Dermatological Operations at the UPMC Center for Early Pimple Detection, met with reporters this morning. "Mayor Ravenstahl became concerned early Saturday when he noticed a series of highly sensitive, inflamed areas on his skin while shaving." Dr. Corbett refused to specify the exact areas of the face affected, citing privacy concerns and the wishes of the Ravenstahl family. "Mayor Ravenstahl spent a good deal of time in front of the mirror throughout the day inspecting his face," Dr. Corbett said. "Matters came to a head Saturday night when he was joined in the bathroom by members of his administration. After much debate, the Mayor and his advisers determined that the blemishes marring his youthful good looks were not going away, and he admitted himself to our facility." Dr. Corbett said he believes Mayor Ravenstahl’s acne may have developed as a result of the "tremendous anxiety and stress" he was dealing with in his new position. "This is a potentially devastating social condition that could have a profound impact on our new mayor’s self esteem," said Corbett. "But we’re optimistic that with proper dietary restrictions and round-the-clock pore cleansing, the Mayor will be able to beat this. As long as he doesn’t pick at it."

Despite being burned badly by US AIRWAYS, Airport Authority pledges major concessions to woo its Flight Operations Center here

"OH, PLEASE, SIR, GIVE ME ANOTHER," SAYS AIRPORT AUTHORITY BOARD CHAIRMAN GLENN MAHONE TO US AIRWAYS

DESECRATION AND DEFILEMENT

DEFILEMENT CONTINUES: MACY'S CLAIMS IT BOUGHT "KAUFMANN HOUSE" WITH DEPARTMENT STORE, PLANS TO DAM IT UP

KAUFMANN HOUSE MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS FALLINGWATER

9/11 BREAKTHROUGH . . .

PITTSBURGH - This news source last week photgraphed an older, balder Osama bin Laden in a suburban Pittsburgh convenience store that we have learned he uses as his world-wide terrorist headquarters. (In the photograph, bin Laden was brazenly clutching an American teenager he was trying to recruit for an upcoming suicide mission. Fortunately the child escaped.) By day, Bin Laden is a cashier at the Baldwin, Pennsylvania convenience store, selling milk and lottery tickets. By night, he conducts his international terror network from the back room by meeting with scores of disciples, plotting all manner of mayhem.

The U.S. Justice Department is unable capture bin Laden since he never leaves the convenience store. The Federal 1995 Extraterritorial Convenience Store Act affords all U.S.-based convenience stores extraterritorial status and treats them as if they are situated on Pakistani soil, much the same as the Pakistan Embassy in Washington, D.C. Under the Act, convenience stores are exempted from U.S. laws, and their owners and the personnel employed by them can neither be sued nor prosecuted here. If Federal agents were to charge into the store and forcibly remove bin Laden, it would be deemed a U.S. invasion of Pakistan under International Law.

For now, Federal agents are content to wait for bin Laden in the parking lot, confident that he'll eventually come out. Sometimes they venture inside the store to purchase cigarettes and milk from cashier bin Laden. And once in a while, if the mood strikes them, they'll pick numbers for the daily lottery. The numbers, of course, are always the same: "9-1-1."

STINGRAY EXONERATED; VP CHENEY ADMITS HE WAS SNORKELING WITH STEVE IRWIN AT TIME OF ACCIDENT

EX-PEOPLE'S COURT JUDGE WAPNER BROUGHT IN TO SPEED SADDAM HUSSEIN TRIAL TO CONCLUSION; VERDICT EXPECTED IN 15 MINUTES

BAGHDAD - The tortoise-paced trial of Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity will be put into hyperdrive when it resumes today and, in fact, likely will be wrapped up this morning, some four months ahead of schedule, because no-nonsense Judge Joseph A. Wapner, the original jurist of television's pioneer "court show," The People's Court, has been brought to Baghdad to finish it.

Wapner doesn't plan to deviate from his well-honed methods of adjudication. "We'll have eleven minutes of testimony, then a commercial break, and then I come back and give my verdict," Wapner said.

Consistent with The People's Court's pattern of assigning pithy names to the trials, according to Wapner this one will be called "The case of the out-of-control dictator."

Wapner insisted on bringing People's Court host Doug Llewelyn to Baghdad and, in keeping with the old show's format, after the verdict Llewelyn will interview the litigants as they depart the courtroom. "If Saddam loses, I'll ask him point-blank where he went wrong," said Llewelyn. "Of course, we'll only have time for a 15 second answer."

The 86-year-old Wapner hasn't lost a step since The People's Court left the air in 1993, and he means for everyone to know it. "We always did two trials each show, so after we finish with Saddam, since I'm already over here I'm going to try Osama bin Laden in absentia and get that one out of the way, too."

SPECIAL PROSECUTOR SAYS KARL ROVE MAY HAVE OUTED LIBERACE

WASHINGTON - Sources close to the Valerie Plame investigation say irrefutable evidence shows that White House aide Karl Rove outed Liberace to syndicated columnist Robert Novak. According to officials in the office of Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, Rove allegedly told Novak early last year that he “knew Liberace was a homosexual,” but asked him not to publish the story because, he said, “it would break my elderly mother’s heart.” Novak, however, cited a “compelling national prurient interest” in making public the information about Liberace, an interest he claims is expressly mentioned in the First Amendment. The outings of both Plame and Liberace were published in a Time Magazine article, “Things Important People Told Me Not To Tell You,” which created a sensation in the nation’s capitol and a firestorm of indifference across the rest of the country.

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL NAMES STEELER LINEBACKER JOEY PORTER DEPUTY MAYOR

PITTSBURGH - In his first official act as Mayor of the City of Pittsburgh, Luke Ravenstahl named Steelers linebacker Joey Porter Deputy Mayor "effective immediately following the conclusion of tonight’s Steelers home opener." Ravenstahl, who injected a note of whimsy into an otherwise somber day by performing an impromptu soft-shoe routine on a giant piano in the foyer of the City-County Building with former mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar late yesterday afternoon, met with reporters just prior to kickoff.

"After reading the cover story in the most recent issue of Sports Illustrated naming Mr. Porter the most feared player in the NFL," said Ravenstahl, "I have decided to appoint Mr. Porter as my second in command as I attempt to complete the work begun by my predecessor. I am certain that Mr. Porter will be of invaluable assistance to me in using all of his considerable persuasive powers to help impose my will – check that – bring to fruition the dreams the late Mayor O’Connor had for our city."

Ravenstahl said the first order of business for Deputy Mayor Porter would be to "personally visit" those members of Council who feel the City Charter calls for a new mayoral election as soon as 2007, rather than in 2009. "Deputy Mayor Porter will be calling on those individuals, such as Councilman Bill Peduto, or State Senator Jim Ferlo, in the near future, to set an example – check that – to make sure we’re all on the same page regarding the length of my current term in office."

Deputy Mayor Porter could not be reached for comment.

RAVENSTAHL ORDERS WARRANTLESS SURVEILLANCE OF MIAMI COACHING STAFF, CITES “INHERENT POWERS” TO OBTAIN INFORMATION NECESSARY TO PREVENT STEELER DEFEAT

PITTSBURGH - In a move blasted by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as "completely antithetical to the spirit of competition, grossly unfair, and utterly without precedent in the history of our league," new Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl admitted he issued an executive order authorizing the interception of electronic communication between the Miami Dolphins coaching staff in a field box and Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban. The program began immediately prior to last night’s game between the Steelers and the Dolphins. Mayor Ravenstahl said it will resume in two weeks when the Steelers host the Cincinnati Bengals.

Ravenstahl was unapologetic. "I did what Lincoln would have done," he said, adding, "especially if the Steelers were involved." Ravenstahl refused to say whether or not he had shared the information obtained with members of the Pittsburgh Steelers coaching staff. He did, however, tell reporters that "the actions undertaken, at my direction, were done to protect the citizens of Steelers nation, and that they thwarted numerous Dolphin offensive attacks in the process." When investigative reporter Seymour Hersh asked the Mayor if he had given any thoughts about the privacy rights of the members of the Miami Dolphins, Ravenstahl landed a solid right hand to his solar plexus. "And here’s another right, Seymour," he snarled, sending Hersh to the floor with a right hand to the chin. "Anybody else want to talk about rights?" Ravenstahl asked. "I’ll give you so many rights you’ll be begging for a left!"

News that Pittsburgh officials were listening in on discussions between Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper and his offensive coordinator was first disclosed in a New York Times article published this morning. Ravenstahl promised he’d be "delivering a little chin music" to the Times Executive Editor Bill Keller the next time he visited Gotham.

DICK SKRINJAR: "I THINK YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE SURPRISED WHEN MAYOR O'CONNOR COMES WALKING IN HERE TOMORROW MORNING"

MAYOR O'CONNOR'S SPOKESMAN CAN'T BREAK "SPIN" HABIT

CAUGHT ON FILM: THE FUNERAL PROCESSION WENDS THROUGH RITZY SHADYSIDE

JOHN MARK KARR ADMITS TO KILLING STEVE IRWIN

FDA RECALLS INSECTICIDE "RAID" BECAUSE OF HIGH INCIDENCE OF LIFE-THREATENING DISEASE IN INSECTS

WASHINGTON - The Food and Drug Administration ordered all lots of popular insecticide Raid pulled from store shelves this morning following the results of studies showing that Raid poses an "alarmingly" high incidence of life threatening disease to ants and flying insects.

MR. BLACKWELL NAMES ABU GHRAIB PRISONER WORST DRESSED OF YEAR; BRITNEY SPEARS A CLOSE SECOND

Pittsburgh says goodbye . . .

We thank Hammer Films for providing this photograpgh of a horse-drawn hearse. Actor Christopher Lee, as Dracula, appears with permission of Actors Equity.

Analysis: COUNCIL PRESIDENCY IS NOT THE FIRST JOB JIM MOTZNIK LOST BY CAMPAIGNING TOO EARLY

MOTZNIK WAS IN LINE TO SUCCEED POPE JOHN PAUL II IN 2005 BUT MADE SAME MISTAKE OF CAMPAIGNING TOO EARLY

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh City Council member Jim Motznik believed he had the job of Council President all sewn up this past Tuesday but ended up losing the election to Doug Shields in a 7-1 vote. Council members allegedly were upset by Motznik's unseemly conduct in openly campaigning for the job while Mayor Bob O'Connor lay dying at Shadyside Hospital.

This is not the first time Motznik has lost an election by campaigning too early. Achille Cardinal Silvistrini of Rome revealed that in 2005, Motznik was in line to become the first layman elected Pope of the Roman Catholic Church since Callixtus III in 1455 but that he ruined his chances by openly campaigning for the job while Pope John Paul II was on his deathbed.

According to Silvistrini, in the weeks before John Paul II's death in April 2005, Motznik trotted around the globe, going diocese to diocese shaking Cardinals' hands and dispensing cheap plastic pens and rubber "Magic Jar Opener/Bottle Cap Removers" that said: "MOTZNIK FOR POPE." Motznik boasted to reporters that he had commitments from a majority of Cardinals.

But then the inexplicable occurred. At the Papal conclave called after John Paul II's death, Motznik was shut out 265-1. The lone vote for Motznik was cast by Motznik. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope instead.

Motznik reacted to that defeat the same way he reacted this week when he lost the Council presidency. He stormed out of the conclave and telephoned KDKA's Fred Honsberger. "I was lied to by numerous Cardinals," he told Honsberger. "My word is my bond, but these Cardinals have no backbone, and they lied to my face." Then Motznik dropped this bombshell: "I even had the commitment of the new Pope [Benedict XVI]. We shook hands in a roomful of witnesses: The deal was that I would support him to be Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith and he would support me to be Pope. Then he went back on his word. I can never trust these Cardinals again."

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WECHT: SECOND STINGRAY INVOLVED IN STEVE IRWIN'S DEATH

PORT DOUGLAS, Australia - Internationally acclaimed forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht was retained by the family of Steve Irwin to investigate the famed crocodile hunter's cause of death following injuries he sustained in a stingray attack on Monday while snorkeling off the Great Barrier Reef. Initial reports were that a stingray's barb pierced Irwin's chest and put a hole into his heart.

Dr. Wecht examined Irwin's wounds and concluded that there had to be a second stingray involved, which he suggested was hiding in an underwater grassy knoll to Irwin's right at the time of the attack. "One stingray could not have caused the wounds Mr. Irwin sustained," Dr. Wecht said. "If there had been just one stingray barb, upon entering Mr. Irwin's body, it would have had to take an immediate acute angular turn, come back almost two feet, stop, then make a second turn before exiting the body at the right posterior axillary area. The vertical and horizontal trajectory of this stingray, under the single or 'magic' stingray theory, is absolutely unfathomable, indefensible, and incredible."

The implications of the second stingray theory are immense, Dr. Wecht explained. "The fact is there is not just one but there are two killers on the loose somewhere in the Great Barrier Reef."

JIM MOTZNIK DECLARES HE'S "EMBARRASSED" TO BE ON CITY COUNCIL, WILL WEAR BAG OVER HEAD TO MEETINGS FROM NOW ON

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh City Councilman Jim Motznik lost today's election to serve as Council President to Doug Shields by a 7-1 vote, prompting Motznik to declare that he is "embarrassed" to serve on council. Motznik announced that from now on, he will only attend council meetings wearing a paper bag over his head.

"I will place the bag snugly over my head as soon as I enter the City-County Building from the Ross Street entrance," Motznik explained. "I will then proceed through the security check point and ride up the elevator incognito. I am simply too embarrassed to be seen serving on council." Motznik said that his embarrassment "hasn't quite reached the point" where he will resign or refuse his pay check. Motznik said he will wear the bag to Mayor Bob O'Connor's funeral on Thursday.

Motznik also made a point of announcing that he is embarrassed when persons other than his wife see him naked.

RUSSIAN EVGENI MALKIN COULDN'T READ PENS CONTRACT HE SIGNED, BELIEVES HE AGREED TO BE MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH

PITTSBURGH - Twenty-year old Russian hockey star Evgeni Malkin signed a three season contract with the Pittsburgh Penguins today at an annual salary of $984,200. But Malkin, who doesn't speak English, didn't understand a word of the document he executed.

Immediately after the signing ceremony at Mellon Arena, it became apparent that Malkin misunderstood what he had signed as he started barking orders to Sidney Crosby and other Pens. Pat Brisson, one of Malkin's agents, candidly told this news source that "the only way to lure [Malkin] from Russia to Pittsburgh was to convince him that [Pittsburgh's] City Council wanted him to serve as Mayor." The death of Mayor Bob O'Connor last Friday gave Brisson the perfect opening. Brisson explained: "At first, Evgeni was skeptical because he couldn't believe Pittsburgh would ever appoint as Mayor someone so young, inexperienced and totally lacking in qualifications, but I convinced him that's how things are done in Pittsburgh."

Malkin quickly picked up a few words of English. As he strode through the Pens' locker room he pointed to several messy lockers and shouted, "Redd up! Redd up!"

DISCOVERY: NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTION THAT UNEQUIVOCALLY PROVES HE WAS A PROPHET -- "FUTURE PEOPLE WILL CONSIDER ME A FRAUD"

NEW YORK - Nostradamus enthusiasts claim to have discovered the proof-positive that has long eluded them to show that the controversial prophet was not a fraud.

The seer's devotees say they have uncovered a long-lost writing of the mysterious prophet predicting that people in the centuries following his death would regard him as a hoax -- which is exactly what has happened. "He was right on the mark," said Bradleys Roadhouse, President of the International Nostradamus Society. "Only Nostradamus could have predicted that one."

The newly-discovered "Quatrain of Nostradamus" reads as follows:

A great clamor will be heard on the plains of man,
and the multitudes will strike at the good one,
and he will be reviled, though his words are true,
and the people will be caught in the wheels of a giant machine -- turning, turning, turning endlessly.

"That's about as clear as a prediction could be," said Roadhouse. "What further proof could we possibly provide these skeptics?"

According to Roadhouse, the newly-discovered writing not only contains Nostradamus' prediction about his own skeptics, but it also foretells the rise of a mechanized society.

MUCH GOOD DID WEARING A MOTORCYCLE HELMET DO BIG BEN, SIDELINED WITH APPENDICITIS

EDITORIAL - Bellyachers across the Steeler nation unmercifully castigated Big Ben Roethlisberger from the moment of his near-fatal motorcycle accident last summer. His crime? Alleged "stupidity" for failing to wear a motorcycle helmet.

Turns out the joke's on the bellyachers.

It is true that Big Ben is going to miss the first two games of the season due to a medical condition. But, with apologies to the bellyachers, his absence has nothing to do with his failure to wear a motorcycle helmet. In fact, much good did wearing a helmet do Roethlisberger Sunday morning when he reported to the Steelers' South Side training facility feeling ill and had to be rushed to the hospital suffering from an appendicitis. The brutal fact is that all the helmets in the world couldn't have spared Ben from this latest setback.

But, of course, this goes beyond Ben, doesn't it? All the helmets in the world couldn't save our beloved Mayor Bob O'Connor, who passed away last Friday after a valiant struggle with cancer. His death is silent testimony to the futility of helmets to elude the grim reaper.

But, you gush, the Mayor wasn't riding a motorcycle when he died and had no need to wear a helmet. That, of course, is nothing more than a red herring, but for the sake of argument we'll focus solely on Ben's case. The injuries Big Ben sustained from failing to wear a motorcycle helmet last June had no detrimental impact whatsoever on his performance in the pre-season. He didn't miss a single game, and in fact, until Sunday morning he'd been playing better than ever. I would go so far as to say that the motorcycle accident has actually made Ben a better player.

I digress momentarily to note that some may find it ironic that Martha Fleishman, the woman who struck Big Ben's motorcycle last June, publicly scolded the Steelers last night for not having the foresight to have Ben's appendix removed as a precautionary measure while he was laid up in the hospital last summer. I happen to agree with the woman who has become, in my mind, the first lady of the Steeler nation. Frankly, the Steelers owe Mrs. Fleishman a debt of gratitude, and I, for one, am campaigning to have her honored at an upcoming Steelers home game. But that is a topic for another editorial.

For now, the important lesson is this: Wearing a helmet didn't do Ben any good, and not wearing one actually made him a better player. It is my hope that when Big Ben is released from that hospital, he will show the bellyachers how misguided they are by riding his motorcycle out of the hospital parking without a helmet.

Pittsburgh filmmakers Marx Brothers show Sunday night was a triumph

The Pittsburgh Filmmakers' presentation of "A Night at the Opera" and "A Day at the Races" at the Regent Square Theater on Sunday night was a great success. Several people recognized me from my picture on the internet and were nice enough to introduce themselves, even though I was dressed casually in a Maui shirt. These people were so nice that after the show about fifteen of us in total headed off to a local pub to discuss the social significance of the stateroom scene in "A Night at the Opera." Another triumph for the Pittsburgh Filmmakers.

GETTING BY ST. PETER WAS THE EASY PART: NOW MAYOR O'CONNOR HAS TO SELL THE OVERSIGHT BOARD ON LETTING HIM INTO HEAVEN

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL'S STEADY HAND GUIDES CITY THROUGH SADNESS

Here is the official transcript of Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's brief remarks following his swearing-in as the new Mayor of Pittsburgh last night:

Like, my fellow Pittsburghers: First, I want to thank my boys for coming tonight and, sorry, guys that we're missing our night for skateboarding and chillin' at the mall and, like [giggles] baggin' chicks, but, like, I GET TO BE MAYOR TONIGHT! [Mayor Ravenstahl raises his arms in the air and makes a high-pitched yelling noise] Woo! Woo! As Mayor, I, like, want Pittsburgh to be like it was in the old days, back in 1998, 1999. Many of us can remember, like, how sweet the 'burgh was back then, and, like, it can be that way again. Second, like, I want to address the O'Connor family. I know everybody's telling you that, like, Mayor O'Connor was really old and all. But he was young at heart, and I promise to be just like him as Mayor, without the white hair. Thank you all for, like, coming.

TWANDA CARLISLE WANTS TO HIRE CONSULTANT TO INVESTIGATE O'CONNOR'S DEATH

"I HAVE JUST THE PERSON: MY MOTHER'S BOYFRIEND HAS SOME MEDICAL BOOKS"

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh city councilwoman Twanda Carlisle today called for the city to hire her mother's boyfriend at a fee of $80,000 to do "a medical study" of the cause of Mayor Bob O'Connor's death. "This gentleman has some medical books," she said, "and he'd be a real good consultant." Ms. Carlisle explained that "the people of Pittsburgh deserve to know the truth about who killed Mayor O'Connor."

Former Allegheny County Coroner Cyril Wecht said he would be willing to do the "medical study," which he called "an autopsy," for half the cost. Dr. Wecht said that he already has suspicions that a second gunman was involved.

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A BAD DAY IN PITTSBURGH

1944-2006

JOHN MARK KARR STRIPPED OF MIDDLE NAME BY "AMERICA'S MOST WANTED"

USAGE OF MIDDLE NAMES IN UNDERWORLD FIGURES RESERVED FOR "BIG-TIME CRIMINALS" SUCH AS LEE HARVEY OSWALD, JOHN WILKES BOOTH AND JAMES EARL RAY, "NOT FOR CRIMINAL WANNABES"

HOLLYWOOD - John Mark Karr, who confessed to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey even though he didn't do it, is no longer permitted to use his middle name in public, declared television reality crime show America's Most Wanted. Bradleys Roadhouse, spokesperson for the FBI, issued a statement that the FBI will abide by the verdict of America's Most Wanted because "that very entertaining and informative show is sort of the arbiter of style when it comes criminals and their vile ways."

The host of America's Most Wanted, John Walsh, spoke of Karr with derision. "[Karr] is not a real criminal," said Walsh, his words spiked with anger. "He's a criminal wannabe. How dare he adopt a middle name and put himself in the same category as John Wilkes Booth and the others," he said, angrily pounding his fist on the table.

Walsh said that the only other time he stripped a criminal of his middle name was in the case of Sirhan Xavier Sirhan, because Walsh was outraged over the cowardly manner in which Sirhan killed Sen. Robert F. Kennedy. "Besides," Walsh noted, "I thought 'Sirhan Sirhan' without any middle name sounded funnier."

BUSH CHANGES NAME OF HURRICANE "JUAN" TO HURRICANE "JOHN"; REITERATES DEMAND THAT LA CUCARACHA BE SUNG IN ENGLISH

MEXICANS ARE OUTRAGED, STILL REFER TO HURRICANE AS "JUAN"

CABO SAN LUCAS - As hurricane force winds bore down on this Mexican resort town in Baja California, Mexicans say that they feel less devastated by Mother Nature than by the President of the United States, who insisted that the National Hurricane Center in Miami, which oversees all "catastrophic storms" across the globe, change the name of the storm from Hurricane "Juan" to Hurricane "John."

This is not the first such firestorm ignited by the President by insisting that Spanish words be translated into English. In a raucous press conference last April, he boldly declared that the beloved Mexican folk song La Cucaracha "ought to be sung in English." Upon making this pronouncement, the lights in the East Room dimmed and a lone spotlight illuminated the President. The President then softly sang an English translation of the familiar song:

"The cockroach, the cockroach
Now he can't go traveling
Because he doesn't have, because he lacks
Marijuana to smoke."

When he finished, Mr. Bush was barraged with angry questions from reporters. Some openly accused him of promoting racism. "You've got it all wrong," the President explained. "Look, so long as they sing it in English, I don't even care if they have a heavy Mexican accent. In fact, the accent would lend it some authentic, third-world charm." The President then spoke directly to Mexicans who are considering crossing the border illegally: "I want you to memorize these words from that great song I just sang: 'The cockroach, the cockroach, Now he can't go traveling.' What those words mean is, don't come traveling here, amigo. There ain't no marijuana here. ¿Comprende?"

DICK SKRINJAR BARRICADES SELF IN MAYOR'S OFFICE, SAYS HE'S NOT LEAVING

MAYOR O'CONNOR'S SPOKESMAN CLAIMS "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG" WITH MAYOR; STANDOFF MAY REQUIRE FORCE TO EVICT HIM

Marx Bros. "A Night at the Opera," the celluloid yardstick: Sunday Night at Regent Square

Pittsburgh Filmmakers presents the Marx Brothers' "A Night at the Opera" and "A Day at the Races" at the Regent Square Theater, this coming Sunday, September 3, starting at 8 p.m. Opera ranks as the brothers' greatest achievement.

NORWEGIAN POLICE FOUND MUNCH MASTERPIECE HIDDEN IN CLOSET BY FOLLOWING ITS MUFFLED SCREAM

OSLO - Norwegian police revealed today how they located Edward Munch's 1893 masterpiece, "The Scream." According to police spokesman Morten Hojem Ervik, the police received a tip last week from a reliable source that the painting, stolen from the Munch Museum in 2004, had been hidden away in the home of wealthy Oslo merchant Bjoern Hoen, who was one of the masterminds of the painting's theft. On Tuesday, Police searched Hoen's home for seven hours to no avail and were prepared to give up until they heard the faint, muffled scream of the painting coming from a closet on the top floor. It had been hidden away under blankets, and the mouth of its subject had been taped.

SAGO MINE SURVIVOR'S WIFE EXPECTING CHILD, FETUS SAID TO "FEEL TRAPPED"

SIMPSON, W.Va. - In what doctors are calling a "miracle," Randal McCloy, Jr., the sole survivor of the Sago Mine disaster, and his wife Anna are expecting their third child in the spring.

But McCloy, Jr. says he believes the fetus "feels trapped" and is signaling its location within the womb to be rescued by pounding and hammering on the uterine lining. McCloy also said he is concerned that the fetus' emergency oxygen pack may not be functioning, so he has called for stepped-up rescue efforts "before the child is overcome by methane gas."

Anna McCloy had no comment.