World's first penile transplant patient seeks divorce, "flash of recognition" that shot across wife's face when she first saw it was dead giveaway

PITTSBURGH - The Brentwood man who was the world's first penile transplant patient is seeking a divorce just one month after the historic operation. Bradleys Roadhouse, 41, suffered a circular saw accident last month that left him with a small stump where his penis had been. The new appendage came from a 22-year old brain dead donor who had worked as a pool boy at the South Hills Country Club, a club frequented by Roadhouse's wife.

Roadhouse said that he "couldn't be happier" with his robust new organ. But he became concerned when his wife first saw it because a "flash of recognition" shot across her face. Worse, after several instances of lovemaking, he concluded that the transplanted appendage "knew its way around her a little too well." Roadhouse explained: "Let's just say it knew things it shouldn't have known."

Roadhouse investigated and discovered that his wife had frequent contact with the donor at the South Hills Country Club. "I concluded that my wife knew my penis in a previous life," he said.

Roadhouse knew what he had to do: "Either my new penis had to go, or my wife."

It was no contest. Roadhouse filed for a divorce, but his wife, Shelley, is fighting back and has spread the word at the country club that the stump that resulted from her husband's circular saw accident was not appreciably smaller than his original organ.

That, according to club members, was the cruelest cut of them all.

Wes Anderson to do frame-by-frame remake of Gus Van Sant's frame-by-frame remake of Hitchcock's Psycho

HOLLYWOOD - Director Wes Anderson has signed on to direct a frame-by-frame remake of Gus Van Sant's 1998 frame-by-frame remake of Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 classic Psycho.

Every word of dialogue, every camera angle, every note of music will be exactly the same as in both the 1998 and 1960 versions. "I don't have to figure out camera angles or tinker with dialogue," Anderson said. "We're going to do it exactly as Gus [Van Sant] did it, frame-by-frame, and Gus [Van Sant] did it exactly as Hitchcock did it, frame-by-frame."

Anderson believes that another exact remake of the king of jolt flicks "is long overdue." He explained: "The kids who are starting college today were only ten years old when Gus [Van Sant's] remake came out, far too young to have seen it. Films made in 1998 are ancient."

"This is not your father's Psycho," Anderson said. He quickly corrected himself: "Well, actually it is your father's Psycho, and your grandfather's, too."

Coming soon: The Carbolic Smoke Ball on the air . . .

WDVE 102.5 MORNING SHOW . . . Details to follow

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL, IRON EYES CODY MAKE JOINT PUBLIC APPEARANCE AT HAZELWOOD CLEAN-UP

PITTSBURGH - Citing a need to keep Pittsburgh beautiful and to continue Mayor Bob O'Connor's "redd up" campaign, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl stood on a trash-strewn corner of Hazelwood this morning with iconic environmental symbol Iron Eyes Cody in an attempt to shame citizens into picking up litter.

Both men spent the morning touring city neighborhoods on horseback and canoe, pausing only long enough to cast a baleful glance at landfills and polluted streams during the course of their journey. Both Cody and Ravenstahl shed a solitary tear after confronting a group of teenagers who threw plastic bags and cans from a moving vehicle, spilling the contents on the moccasins of both men.

The entire sobering trek through garbage-saturated city neighborhoods was filmed for a series of anti-littering public service announcements scheduled to begin airing sometime next year.

The only snag came when Cody, standing curbside in a Squirrel Hill residential area, began silently weeping when city refuse workers attempted to complete their weekly pick-up. "What’s the matter with you?" shouted one man, before the Mayor’s security team intervened. After receiving an explanation, the man apologized. "Sorry about that, Chief Crybaby," he said, before climbing aboard the side of his truck and moving to the next house on his route.

Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said Ravenstahl would have no comment on the incident. Instead, he was asking the public to "look deeply into [Iron Eyes'] wizened face and mournful eyes, and allow the searing memory of his sorrowful visage to haunt you the next time you are tempted to defile this once beautiful land." Failing that, Skrinjar added, "the Mayor would just like you to clean up after yourself, for God's sake. He’s your Mayor, not your mother."

ACTOR WHO PORTRAYS ARCHBISHOP DONALD WUERL IN ALL HIS PUBLIC APPEARANCES CALLS IT QUITS

WASHINGTON - The actor who portrays Archbishop Donald Wuerl in all of Wuerl's public appearances is calling it quits after thirty-three years. Nathan Birnbaum, an orthodox Jew, has been the public face of the man recently named Archbishop of Washington, D.C. since the real Wuerl discovered him acting in summer stock theater in the Catskills in the early 1970's. Birnbaum had planned to retire earlier this year but stayed on several additional months to help ease Wuerl into his new position.

The real Archbishop Wuerl, who resembles actor Jack Klugman, said that he is auditioning new actors to play him, including tough-guy actor Joe Pesci. Wuerl said that he's "impressed with Pesci's passion," but added that "he'll need to tone down the bad language a little if he wants to play me."

STEVE BLASS STRUGGLES TO THROW OUT FIRST PITCH, IS HUMILIATED WHEN JIM TRACY TAKES HIM OUT

PITTSBURGH - As part of a ceremony honoring Pirates broadcaster Steve Blass' years of service to the organization before Sunday's game against the Mets, Blass was slated to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. He took the mound all smiles but proceeded to lob one eight feet over the head of catcher Ron Paulino. Blass hung down his head and grimaced.

Paulino signaled for him to throw another. This time, the ball sailed into the stands over the Mets' dugout, nipping funnyman vendor T.C. Congdon on the hand. "Wow!" Congdon shouted. "If I didn't know better, I'd say Steve Blass was back pitching."

Pirates pitching coach Jim Colburn strolled to the mound to calm down the 64-year old right hander. But after three more wild pitches, it was clear Blass had picked up exactly where he had left off when he was forced to retire in 1975 after an inexplicable loss of control. Finally, Pirates manager Jim Tracy had seen enough. He strolled to the mound and signaled for Manny Sanguillen, who runs Manny's Bar-B-Q at PNC Park behind the center field stands, to come in and throw out the first pitch.

Later, Tracy made little effort to hide his displeasure to reporters. "I didn't like what I saw out there, let's leave it at that," he said curtly. "Let's just say that's no way to start a ballgame, that's all."

A dejected Blass sat in a corner of the Pirates' broadcast booth with his head down. Unable to look a reporter in the eye, he blamed Jim Colburn for changing his delivery. "I was finally going to break out of the the slump, after thirty-three years, but then Colburn had to foul me up," he muttered. In the next breath he admitted that he "just didn't have it today, no excuses. I'm just going to have to go out and work harder for next time."

MOST HATE CRIMES DRIVEN BY LOATHING AND DETESTATION

WASHINGTON - An FBI study concluded that of the 7,649 hate crimes reported to the FBI last year, the great majority were driven by loathing and detestation. "Surpisingly," said FBI Director Robert Mueller, "very few hate crimes are fueled by tenderness and affection."

The FBI said that the statistics show a 6% increase in loathing crimes and a 9% increase in detestation crimes over the previous year. "The reason this is good news is because there are too many senseless crimes nowadays committed by perfect strangers without the slightest hateful feeling for the victim," Mueller said. "We can only hope that these hate crime statistics herald a return to the good old days, when crime was committed by people who knew, and had reason to hate, the victim," he said. "For example, a wife lying-in-wait to kill her cheating husband. In days gone by, there was a real incentive to be nice to people: if you did something to tick off a loved one, you got blasted."

"Unfortunately, today you can walk out of your house and get a bullet between the eyes for no reason at all, fired by a total stranger," lamented Mueller. "A renaissance of traditional values is long overdue in this country. It's time to get crime off the streets and back in the kitchen where it belongs. Maybe, just maybe, this is the start of that."

POLICE RAID RAUCOUS FRAT PARTY ONLY TO FIND IT WAS MAYOR'S INAUGURAL BALL

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Police responded to multiple complaints about a raucous fraternity party in Oakland last night by raiding Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity house at the University of Pittsburgh, but they made no arrests because they quickly discovered it was Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's inaugural ball.

Embarrassed police captain Vic Cianca explained: "It's a frat house, and it looked like a bunch of college kids carrying on like idiots. How were we supposed to know it was the mayor's [inaugural] ball? We're not accustomed to quite this level of debauchery from our mayors."

Cianca said that upon entering the house, police discovered "scores of drunken, underage" persons passed out and partially or, in some cases, fully unclad, sometimes one atop the other. Deafening music blared throughout the house. The smell of vomit that permeated the neighborhood had its epicenter in the living room.

Mayor Ravenstahl was partying with four female undergrads most of the evening. The mayor said that the young women "were helping me cram for a budget hearing." He winked, "We'll probably have to pull an all-nighter." Ravenstahl claimed the process was so intense he had to remove his shirt, and later other clothing.

Former mayor Tom Murphy attended the ball and he, too, was shirtless. Murphy was off in a corner by himself the entire evening.

Ironically on the same evening, the police blotter showed a raid on the Manor Theater in Squirrel Hill where the laughter of former mayor Sophie Masloff and several elderly lady friends reached "unacceptable decibel levels" due to the zany antics of 70-year old Woody Allen in his latest film, Scoop. Two of Ms. Masloff's companions got so carried away they removed their dresses and had to be arrested.

LARRY KING CELEBRATES ONE MILLIONTH UNCRITICAL REVIEW WITH PARTY IN HIS HONOR, CALLS PARTY "TERRIFIC"

HOLLYWOOD - CNN talk-show host Larry King celebrated his one-millionth uncritical review of a film this weekend with a party that included ten thousand of his closest celebrity friends. The cable gab-meister, known for his positive assessments of all things Hollywood, told the Carbolic Smoke Ball entertainment correspondent, "I'm all about the dish, but in my business I've got to avoid the pan."

King's one-millionth celluloid endorsement reached newspapers in blurb form this past Friday, after he watched the first five minutes of an advance screening of Phil Joanou's newest offering, Gridiron Gang.

King, as a rule, uses one of two declarative sentences for each review. "My standard approach is either, "I loved this movie," or "This is a terrific film." When asked whether or not he ever wished to say more in his reviews, King declined. "I'm a word economist," he said. "Ernie Hemingway taught me that."

Citing the historic nature of his one millionth opportunity to deliver an enthusiastic appraisal for the public record, King pulled out all the stops. "I absolutely loved this movie, Gridiron Gang. This movie, Gridiron Gang, is a terrific film." King's words appeared in ten thousand newspapers and trade publications around the world within hours, but they extracted quite a cost. "I am exhausted," said King. "Writing that review took a lot out of me."

When this reporter inquired if King could recall ever dispensing a critical opinion, King became reflective. "I guess it was about six or seven wives ago," he began, before correcting himself. "I mean years ago. I trashed the first Mission Impossible. My verdict: "I liked this film." Jerry Bruckheimer called me up and yelled at me for half an hour. I told him Jerry, I've got my integrity. He laughed, and hung up. This is a tough business."

TWO BREAKING STORIES FROM NIAGARA FALLS

John Daly fails to drive ball over Niagara Falls in publicity stunt

NIAGARA FALLS, Ont. (CP) - He huffed and he puffed but golfer John Daly couldn't drive a golf ball across the gorge at the Horseshoe Falls in a televised stunt Monday night. The 39-year-old PGA Tour veteran, promoting a new golf course in the region, smacked 20 balls from a platform in attempting to span the 342-yard distance to Goat Island in the Niagara River. Most of the balls disappeared into the mist that swirls near the falls. "Oh, well," Daly said. "No harm done."
_______________________________________

Woman killed by golf ball while riding “Maid of the Mist”

NIAGARA FALLS, Ont. (CP) - 59 year old Virginia Parker suffered a fatal blow to the head this morning while she was riding the legendary Niagara Falls sightseeing boat, Maid of the Mist. Ms. Parker was adjusting her raingear when a golf ball careened through the mist and struck her on the forehead.

Police have no leads on the perpetrator.

POPEYE DEAD, SAILOR MAN SUCCUMBS TO E COLI AFTER CONSUMING BAGGED SPINACH

KING SYNDICATE TOWN - Popeye The Sailor Man, beloved animated mariner, died of massive kidney failure yesterday after consuming a bag of raw spinach. It is believed the triple-washed, cello-packed spinach was infected with the E Coli bacteria. Authorities have traced the bag to Natural Selection Foods, a company based in San Juan Bautista, California. Natural Selection Foods is owned by Bluto, a man known for his violent altercations with Popeye over the affections of the anorexic, oval-eyed Olive Oyl. Mr. Bluto issued a statement this morning disavowing any knowledge that the spinach he presented Popeye in the middle of yesterday’s brawl between them was filled with anything but "green-leafed goodness." He added that his thoughts and prayers were with Popeye and his family, and that he looked forward to ravaging Ms. Oyl now that his former romantic rival was enduring the eternal flames of perdition. He concluded his statement with a deep, dark, drawn-out laugh.

According to Ms. Oyl, Popeye staggered into his house and up the stairs early Sunday after a night of brawling. He collapsed as he entered his bedroom, falling into her arms. "It looks like I’m finished, I ate tainted spinach, tell Bluto I hate his guts," he said. "And then he gave two mournful blows of his corncob pipe, and died," said Ms. Oyl.

Lawyers for Ms. Oyl were simultaneously seeking a restraining order and preparing a wrongful death suit against Mr. Bluto. Criminal charges may still be filed. Funeral arrangements were incomplete.

WECHT PERFORMS SECOND AUTOPSY ON SON OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH, SEEMS DISTRACTED BY FEDERAL CHARGES AGAINST HIM

PRESS CONFERENCE REFERENCES TO SONNY VON BULOW AND "GRASSY KNOLL" SUGGEST HIS MIND IS ELSEWHERE

NASSAU, Bahamas - Internationally acclaimed forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht was retained by Anna Nicole Smith to perform a second autopsy on her 20-year old son, Daniel Wayne Smith, who died under suspicious circumstances last week.

But when the brilliant ex-coroner of Allegheny County met with reporters to answer questions regarding his preliminary findings, he seemed distracted by the Federal criminal charges pending against him in Pittsburgh stemming from alleged misuse of resources of the coroner's office. At times he lapsed into stock responses culled from a lifetime of celebrity autopsies.

"I have grave and significant suspicions about the role that the so-called Memphis mafia played in the death of this overweight, over-the-hill rock 'n roll star," Wecht said. Reporters exchanged confused glances but then one of them asked if Wecht had determined whether foul play could be ruled out. Wecht stated: "Well, I think there clearly is insufficient evidence to rule out the Ramseys or other family members as possible perpetrators." He added: "I mean, let's face it, Sonny von Bulow was a walking pharmacy, and there is every indication that she overdosed herself."

Wecht was asked if he felt the official government autopsy was in any way flawed. "If you're asking me about the Warren Commission report, my opinion is that it is absolute nonsense." He proceeded to launch into a diatribe about how the President's brain had not been preserved from the autopsy. "What manner of incompetence was involved here? And I unequivocally refute that this single 'magic' bullet could have caused the injuries I examined today. I submit that to find the cause of death, you need to look to the grassy knoll."

Wecht concluded the press conference by noting that "the patient I observed today in this 'Alien Autopsy' was anything but human."

Anna Nicole Smith thanked Wecht and told reporters that retaining him "was money of mine well-spent." Wecht said that the final results of his autopsy would be released in two weeks, and he promised some startling revelations about Sirhan Sirhan.

Political cartoon in today's Tehran Press depicts Muhammad scowling at Pope

MUHAMMAD SCOWLS AT THE POPE

MAYOR ENJOYS A LAUGH WITH HIS POLICE ESCORT AT PIRATES' WIN OVER METS SUNDAY

END IS NEAR FOR MUHAMMAD ALI, WANTS TO PUNCH JOE FRAZIER IN THE FACE ONE LAST TIME

SCOTTSDALE - The National Enquirier reports that Muhammad Ali is living out his final days near Scottsdale, ravaged by Parkinson's syndrome, weak and barely able to speak. Friends say they know the boxing legend is in his final days because last week he called for his three-time opponent and former heavy-weight champ Joe Frazier so that Ali could "punch him in the face one last time."

When Ali's wife Yolanda related the invitation to "Smokin' Joe," she was more diplomatic, saying that Ali "wants to say goodbye to you in person." Frazier has personally disliked Ali since the two men first fought in 1971 because Ali took every opportunity to publicly disparage Frazier, routinely insulting his intelligence and referring to him as a “gorilla.” But sympathetic to Ali's condition, Frazier agreed to make the trek to the Arizona desert.

When Frazier was ushered into Ali's living room, he was shocked by Ali's appearance. Frazier made polite small talk for ten minutes but the blank look on Ali's face made him believe Ali did not even know he was there. Frazier decided to cut short his visit and started to get up to leave when, WHAM! Ali let loose a left from out of nowhere, clipping Frazier solidly on the chin and sending him to the floor.

A stunned Frazier angrily accused Ali of making a fool of him. Ali's wife Yolanda diffused the tension by telling Frazier that Ali "was just being playful," and that sometimes he has one good punch in him, but never more than one. "Okay," said a suspicious Frazier, rubbing his chin. Frazier slowly sat down again and started reminiscing about Don King when, WHAM! Ali delivered a solid right to the nose, this time drawing blood.

"That's it, that's it," shouted Frazier. "I'm out of here. For thirty-five years he's been doing this to me!" Yolanda ushered him to the door, apologizing profusely. "It's not your fault," said Frazier. "Well, I'm so glad you understand," said Yolanda. Frazier extended his hand to shake hers. "I'm sorry this didn't go better --" But then, WHAM! Yolanda floored him with a left uppercut to the chin.

A dazed Frazier struggled to get up. "You people are crazy," he shouted as he ran out. From his chair in the corner of the room, tears of joy streamed down Ali's face.

POLICE LOOKING FOR SUSPECT WEARING DARK CLOTHING IN SHOOTING OF FIVE DUQUESNE UNIVERSITY BASKETBALL PLAYERS

UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT DOUGHERTY DETAINS FATHER SEAN HOGAN, EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF STUDENT LIFE, FOR QUESTIONING: "I DON'T CARE IF HE WEARS A ROMAN COLLAR. IT'S DARK CLOTHING, ISN'T IT?" SAID DOUGHERTY.

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THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL BUYS THE POST-GAZETTE

PITTSBURGH - Judge Rufus Peckham announced yesterday that after hard-fought negotiations The Carbolic Smoke Ball has reached agreement with Block Communications to purchase the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for an undisclosed amount.

Peckham made the announcement at a surprise news conference late in the day, flanked by his new editor-in-chief, Post-Gazette writing guru Peter Leo. Peckham guaranteed the Post-Gazette's 14 unions representing 954 full-time and 172 part-time employees that no layoffs will occur on his watch. He explained: "The paper will be able to reap tremendous savings by eliminating all travel expenses incurred by reporters since it is just as easy for reporters to fabricate news stories from their desks as anywhere else." Peckham continued: "It's a well-known fact that [TV Editor] Rob Owen has never been in Hollywood, although he feigns going there every year. He will be our model."

The Judge explained that the paper will undergo major improvements. "The Steelers will now have Section 'A' all to themselves, starting on page 2 , immediately after the full-page color photograph of me." Two-thirds of the staff will be reassigned to cover the Steelers. "For example, I will call upon [columnist] Tony Norman to utilize his incredible vocabulary to ferret out racism in the NFL in a manner so erudite that it won't offend our vast redneck audience because they won't understand it," the Judge said. "Just as I have never understood anything he's written."

Bob Smizik will now write about subjects of general interest. "Nothing sells papers better than Bob's contrarian approach. I already have a topic for him: 'What was so bad about Hitler, anyway?'"

The Judge said that the business section will be much reduced. "It will shrink and shrink and shrink until it doesn't exist at all, much like the economy in Western Pennsylvania."

Moreover, the Judge said that Marilynn Uricchio's SEEN column will have a new look. "Each week, I'm sending Marylynn and a photographer into the girls' locker room of one of our institutions of higher learning. Finally, the SEEN column will be something worth being SEEN in." He added: "And I am taking a photography class."

At the end of his news conference, the Judge off-handedly noted that Brian O'Neill would no longer be a columnist for the paper. "He's going to be my manager." The Judge started to leave the room but perplexed reporters stopped him and asked him to explain. "Oh, you see, I also bought the Pirates this morning, and I named Brian the manager. But since we no longer will be reporting on the Pirates, no one will ever know that."

EDITORIAL: ONLY MAYORS WHO ARE SIDESHOW ACTS BRING THE CITY NATIONAL ACCLAIM

HAVING A YOUNG MAYOR IS FAIRLY FREAKISH, BUT TO REALLY PUT PITTSBURGH ON THE MAP WE NEED A MAYOR WITH PRONOUNCED CONGENITAL PHYSICAL PECULIARITIES, A REAL CIRCUS FREAK

Last week, Pittsburgh's Mayor Luke Ravenstahl landed on the front page of the New York Times (and this Web site was cited in that story). Last night, he appeared on David Letterman's show. The last Pittsburgh mayor to appear with Mr. Letterman was Sophie Masloff.

Ravenstahl and Masloff succeeded mayors who were exceedingly well-liked and, by any objective criteria, better qualified to lead the city of Pittsburgh than either Ravenstahl or Masloff. But neither of their predecessors, Bob O'Connor and Richard Caliguiri, ever landed on David Letterman's show.

The truth of the matter is that Ravenstahl and Masloff landed on Mr. Letterman's show for only one reason: To put it in terms that are politically correct, they were and are atypical. Masloff was a 70-something grandmother; Ravenstahl, at 26, is perhaps the youngest-ever mayor of a major U.S. city.

You see, the only way to draw attention to Pittsburgh on a national scale is to have a mayor that is a sideshow attraction.

There is nothing wrong with that, and I say we need to exploit it. What difference does it make how we get the attention so long as we get it? But my question is, why are we limiting ourselves to mayors who are sideshow attractions only because of their age?

What we really need to put us on the map is a mayor with pronounced congenital physical peculiarities, a circus freak of genetic-mutation proportions, a human oddity, an unfortunate mistake of nature.

Western Pennsylvania has sports teams that fit this description (e.g., the Pirates); roads (e.g., McKnight Road, Bates Street); even entire neighborhoods (e.g., Oakland). But none of these can run for mayor.

Is there any question that a two-foot tall mayor would be a world-class celebrity, and that having such a mayor would provide publicity to Pittsburgh that it otherwise wouldn't get? The question scarcely survives its statement.

Admittedly it would be preferable to be known for some accomplishment unique to the region such as, oh, being the steel capital of the world. But Pittsburgh has no such accomplishments any longer, as much as we try to delude ourselves. So, for the next mayoral election I say, "circus freaks only need apply."

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LOCAL STATIONS STRUGGLE TO COMPLY WITH FCC REGULATIONS WHEN REPORTING SETTLEMENT IN McKEESPORT GETGO MICROWAVE PENIS COOKING

PITTSBURGH - The case of the "penis" in the microwave was settled yesterday with an agreement on a disorderly conduct plea. Leslye Creighton, 41, of Wilkinsburg, has agreed to take full responsibility for the incident in which she asked a clerk at a McKeesport GetGo convenience store to warm up a penis-shaped device in the store's microwave. When the object gave off an odor, the clerk checked on it and found what she thought was a real penis. She reported it to police. Ms. Creighton agreed to plead guilty to disorderly conduct.

Area television news directors are relieved that the story has run its course as they have struggled for months to comply with federally mandated broadcast standards of decency when reporting this bizarre incident. KDKA reporter Bob Allen, who first reported the story on the morning news, used a variety of euphemisms to avoid saying the word “penis” over the air. In the course of a two minute and twenty-five second remote from the site of the incident, Allen described the errant penis as “human male genitalia"; "a sensitive male body part"; "schlong"; "microwave-heated throbbing missile of desire"; "woo-hoo"; "south-of-the-border love rod"; "royal scepter of the crown jewels"; "every guy's favorite upstanding citizen"; and "permanent resident of my personal nuthouse.” Allen also frequently made animated gestures pointing to his crotch. On one broadcast, for the last thirty seconds of his story, Allen’s voice was heard while the camera remained focused on his trousers.

WTAE news director Bob Longo said the local stations had no choice but to be "extra sensitive" about how they reported this matter. “We’re living in a time of new Puritanism. Sally Wiggin teased viewers by telling them that 'Coming up a little later in the broadcast we’ve got a real cock and bull story.' Two hours ago, our lawyers were informed that the FCC was planning to slap us with a one million dollar fine.”

Longo said that Wiggins' most embarrassing moment occurred the day the incident was first reported, when police thought the device was a real human member. She started to read the story: "Allegheny County Police are asking all local males to perform a thorough examination of their genitals as soon as possible." At this Wiggin started to giggle. "If, after checking," she strained to continue, "anyone discovers their penis is missing, they are asked to call the Allegheny County Police Department." By this point Wiggin was laughing so hard she had to be escorted from the news set.

COREY O'CONNOR, 21, PREPARES TV AD TO CHALLENGE "OLD MAN" LUKE RAVENSTAHL FOR MAYOR

SHOT OF PLAQUE COMMEMORATING WORLD'S FIRST NICKELODEON ON SMITHFIELD STREET

VOICEOVER: "LUKE RAVENSTAHL IS SO OLD, HE REMEMBERS NICKELODEONS BEFORE THEY RAISED THE PRICE TO A NICKEL.

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE.

IT'S TIME FOR YOUNG BLOOD.

SEND THE OLD MAN PACKING.

VOTE O'CONNOR."

RAVENSTAHL’S APPEARANCE ON OPRAH MARRED BY FURNITURE JUMPING, FROTHING AT THE MOUTH

CHICAGO - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl’s tour of the national talk show circuit took a bizarre turn yesterday when he shocked Oprah Winfrey by jumping on her furniture while proclaiming his love for the city he leads. After welcoming Mr. Ravenstahl to her program, Ms. Winfrey began her interview by asking a question about municipal bonds. Mr. Ravenstahl declined to answer. Instead, he told her he had a confession to make. "You know what, Oprah?" he asked. "I’m in love. I’m in love with the city of Pittsburgh!" Ravenstahl repeated his proclamation of affection for his hometown for the next ten minutes, raising his voice with each outburst. By the twentieth time, the wild-eyed Mayor was leaning over a frightened Winfrey, recoiling in her chair, while Ravenstahl clutched her shoulders and shouted at the top of his lungs. Ms. Winfrey went to a commercial break, and when the show resumed, Mayor Ravenstahl was gone.

This is the second time in two days that Mayor Ravenstahl has behaved in an uncharacteristically aggressive manner. On Tuesday, the Mayor used an appearance on CNN to criticize actress Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants following the birth of her child. He also called "Suddenly Susan," an NBC sitcom in which Shields starred, "about as funny as a four-alarm fire at an orphanage."

Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar said Ravenstahl was suffering the after-effects of a bite he received from a rabid squirrel while helping an old woman cross the street in his Observatory Hill neighborhood. He promised there would be no repeat of his Oprah Winfrey behavior when he appears on The David Letterman Show tonight. "From what I understand," he said, "They’re removed all of the furniture from the set."

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL, ACCIDENTALLY LEFT ALONE IN CITY-COUNTY BUILDING, THWARTS BURGLARY

PITTSBURGH - The Ravenstahl administration attended a swanky floating awards dinner aboard the Majestic last night, but forgot to bring Mayor Luke Ravenstahl along. Ravenstahl was napping on the couch in his office when the members of his administration departed for the annual Vectors dinner. By the time anyone realized the Mayor was not with them, the boat had left the dock. "I did a head count right before we boarded," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar, "but I guess I accidentally counted one of the local skateboard kids as the mayor."

A frightened Ravenstahl awoke to an empty City-County building at around 9:00 p.m. At first he was content to get into the sort of mischief a young man gets into when the freedom of being home alone is suddenly foist upon him. But some time after 10 o'clock, he heard a noise in the lobby. He made his way down the steps and saw that two thieves masquerading as delivery men had broken into the building. One of them resembled semi-retired actor Joe Pesci. Ravenstahl quickly ran back to his office on the fifth floor and locked the door. With a flash of inspiration, he pulled out from the closet the life-sized cardboard people that former Mayor Tom Murphy had purchased to be surrogates for the friends he never had. Truth be told, even the cardboard people wanted nothing to do with Murphy. But now Ravenstahl would put them to good use as he rigged them up to motorized contraptions in front of the frosted glass door to make it appear they were moving to and fro. When the burglars slinked onto the fifth floor, they looked through the door of the mayor's office and saw what appeared to be a party in full swing. In fact, it was just one boy.

Eventually the bad men figured out what Luke had done and decided to break into the office. The young mayor knew that it was time for him to become a man so he lured the malefactors inside and proceeded to treat them to all manner of tortures and humiliations, from covering them with glue and feathers to repeatedly striking them in the face with flying paint cans. By the time the police arrived just after midnight, the burglars gladly gave themselves up. Shortly thereafter the Mayor's administration returned from the dinner. When they learned what had transpired, they had a new respect for Luke.

"I think we've misjudged Master Ravenstahl," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "Tonight, he showed us he's a man."

THIS NEWS SOURCE APOLOGIZES FOR THE URBAN LEGEND IT STARTED THAT SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTUCTION

This news source issues a long overdue apology for what was supposed to be an inside joke that appeared in its April Fool's day edition seven years ago. That joke described how decimated Iraq supposedly was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, both chemical and biological. Frankly, we thought the story was so ridiculous that nobody would believe it.

We were wrong.

Unfortunately, the myth was picked up by former President Bill Clinton, who obtained all of his news from this website. It spread to the current Bush adminstration. Other nations bought into it, and even the United Nations thought it was serious enough to look into. For his part, Saddam Hussein, looking to bolster his badly tarnished tough-guy image in the middle east, "denied" that he possessed such weapons in a manner so coy that everyone assumed he was lying, which is what Saddam intended.

We learned our lesson and have never carried another fabricated story. We regret we cannot undo the harm we've caused, and have worked hard ever since to regain the trust of our readers.

THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM

PRESIDENT BUSH SENDS BURT REYNOLDS TO GUANTANAMO, WILL BUILD AL QAEDA PRISON FOOTBALL TEAM TO PLAY GUANTANAMO PRISON GUARDS

WASHINGTON - President Bush dispatched former Florida State University half- back Burt Reynolds to the U.S. Naval Base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba today, to assist high-value terrorist detainees recently transferred from secret CIA prisons abroad in assembling a football team.

One administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the move was made in response to complaints from groups such as Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch about the lack of recreational activities for men like Abu Zubaydah and Ramzi bin al-Shibh.

Before boarding his plane at Andrews Air Force Base, Mr. Reynolds told reporters he was confident he would be able to "take this rag-tag bunch of misfits, miscreants and mass murderers and make them something more than just a group of nihilists hell-bent on the destruction of Western civilization. I’m going to make them a football team." Mr. Reynolds said his immediate concern was to get the men into football shape. "I know these guys have been through training camps before," he said. "So I imagine they’ll be ready to take somebody’s head off in no time."

Reynolds, who served time in a Georgia prison in 1974 after he was convicted of impersonating an actor, cited his own experience as an inmate quarterback as "one of the most gratifying moments of my life." He said, "When I went around end for that last, longest yard on my way to the end zone, beating those sadistic guards and infuriating warden Eddie Albert in the process, I knew I could accomplish anything." Reynolds said he was optimistic that prisoners like Khalid Shaikh Mohammed would share a similar experience. "Who knows? He may end up making movies with Jim Nabors and Dom Deluise when he gets out," Reynolds quipped. Asked if he had any idea when that might occur, Reynolds emitted a short burst of high-pitch laughter and said, "The day after hell freezes over."

ARCHBISHOP THREATENS STEELER WITH EXCOMMUNICATION FOR LEWDNESS

PITTSBURGH - Troy Polamalu may be excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church, thanks to two of Western Pennsylvania's leading bloggers.

2 Political Junkies ran a story two weeks ago, and The Burgh Blog picked up on it, reporting that Polamalu posed semi-nude for the September issue of GQ Magazine. In response to the stories, the Diocese of Pittsburgh immediately launched an investigation and yesterday issued a report sternly warning Polamalu "to henceforth refrain from the producing material that constitutes near-occasions of sin similar to this depraved magazine cover." Father Lou Vallone, who headed the committee that drafted the report, summed it up: "What this means in English is, keep your damn clothes on, Troy."

Archbishop Donald Wuerl of Washington, D.C. traveled to Pittsburgh to personally deliver the rebuke to the popular Steeler. Steelers owner Dan Rooney accompanied the Archbishop and told a reporter that he was "shocked and thoroughly disgusted" by Polamalu's actions. "Why, if my father [Steeler founder Art Rooney] were to see this photograph, he'd rise from his grave and I'd only have to bury him again."

Diocesan spokesman Father Ron Lengwin said that the Church considers the matter closed. He added that the Church owes a debt of gratitude to the two popular bloggers. "While these two otherwise admirable bloggers admittedly surrendered to animalistic desires and improperly ogled this lewd photograph, nevertheless we give them a tip of the miter for bringing this abomination to our attention. All is forgotten, and this matter will never be brought up again, so long as Troy 'Caligula' Polamalu keeps his clothes on."

PIRATES DITCH KDKA FOR WPGB, SAY LAST PLACE WILL SOUND "MUCH BETTER" IN FM

PITTSBURGH - Pirates CEO Kevin McClatchy announced yesterday that the team's 51-year association with flagship station KDKA will end after this season and that the Pirates will take their broadcasts to WPGB 104.7 FM, which is part of the Clear Channel Communications empire.

McClatchy explained that Pirates' ownership fully expects no improvement in the quality of the team's play in 2007 and that the team "almost certainly" will experience its fifteenth consecutive losing season. But, he assured loyal Pirates fans, "losing will definitely sound much, much better in FM stereo."

Laughter heard from South Hills cemetery following announcement that KDKA lost Pirates' broadcast rights

TOM CRUISE ACCIDENTALLY EATS PART OF BRITNEY SPEARS' NEW BABY ALONG WITH PLACENTA

LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears reportedly gave birth to her second child, a boy, at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles today. Spears had been visiting with Tom Cruise and his fiance Katies Holmes at their Malibu beach house when she realized the baby was about to be born, so Cruise and Holmes drove her to the hospital.

Spears gave birth "without a hitch," according to a delivery room nurse who asked not to be identified. But joy quickly turned to tragedy when Cruise accidentally ate part of the infant. According to the nurse, Cruise was happily munching on placenta when "he just kept eating -- he must've thought the little boy was part of the placenta." Katie Holmes witnessed Cruise's unintentional cannibalism and wanted to scream out, but the "silent birth" tenets of the Church of Scientology, to which she and Cruise belong, prevented it. After a struggle, the nurse pulled the ravenous Cruise away from the infant.

The little boy weighed 7 pounds 7 onces at birth, and 5 pounds 2 onces after Cruise ate part of him.

BIN LADEN, AL-ZAWAHIRI, TO STAR IN HIMALAYAN DINNER THEATER TOUR OF THE ODD COUPLE

PESHAWAR - Osama Bin Laden and Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri will tour the Himalayan Dinner Theatre Circuit for a six-week run this fall in an Al Qaeda production of Neil Simon’s "The Odd Couple." In a videotape broadcast on the Al-Jazeera network yesterday, Bin Laden and al-Zawahiri exchanged playful barbs with one another about the play, their own similarities to the characters they portray, and the destruction of Western civilization. "Ladies and gentleman," said Bin Laden, jerking his thumb towards al-Zawahiri, "I think you know how much we’ve enjoyed working together through the years. We’ve been looking for an excuse to get in front of a live audience again, and the Zionist playwright with the deft comic touch has given us the perfect vehicle. Believe me when I tell you, we’re declaring Holy War – on your funny bone!"

Both men flashed broad grins. Bin Laden continued: "Ayman is a consummate professional, even if he is the original Oscar Madison!" At this, al-Zawahiri gave Bin Laden’s forearm a gentle slap, imploring him to "just stop, stop it right now." Looking directly into the camera, al-Zawahiri said he was so desperate to work again, he would have played Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof if Bin Laden had asked. "Anything to get him to take me out of this cave!" he joked. "On a serious note," he added. "I am honored to play a part made famous by Jack Klugman. It was Mr. Klugman’s work as Quincy, Medical Examiner, that inspired me to become a doctor."

The tour, which begins the end of the month, will conclude in mid-November. Al-Qaeda members receive a ten percent discount on tickets when presenting photo identification at the box office.

COREY O'CONNOR, 21, ANNOUNCES HE WILL CHALLENGE RAVENSTAHL, 26, FOR MAYOR: "IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE, THE OLD MAN MUST GO"

PITTSBURGH - Corey O'Connor, 21, youngest son of Pittsburgh's late Mayor Bob O'Connor, announced today that he will challenge 26-year old Luke Ravenstahl, who has been mayor for the past ten days, in the next mayoral election.

With the same high spirits he displayed when he led mourners in a chorus of the Steeler Polka at his father's funeral, O'Connor declared that the city has "grown stagnant" under Ravenstahl. "He's been in office for almost two weeks but I can assure you he can't point to a single accomplishment during all that time." Pulling out a terrible towel and whipping it around his head, he ratcheted up the volume of his voice: "In fact, this mayor has torn down everything my father built up. My father wanted to redd up the city; but under Mr. Ravenstahl, the city is unredd up, or not redd up, or not redded up. Mr. Ravenstahl has led us into a period of prolonged and sustained malaise and despair." O'Connor calls his program The New Frontier. "It's time, at long last, to pass the torch to a new generation of Pittsburghers," he declared.

O'Connor repeatedly poked fun at what he called Ravenstahl's "advanced" age, sprinkling his announcement with references to "Rip Van Ravenstahl" and "Metamucil Luke." At one point he derided the mayor as "someone who was born back in the Carter administration." Then he looked directly into the camera and addressed the voters at home: "You need to ask yourself: Are you better off today than you were when he took office?" O'Connor said that he could "rattle off statistics" to prove his point but mentioned only one: the price of gas has gone up one cent in the ten days since Ravenstahl took office. "Is that the kind of city you want to live in, where you're paying more for gas, instead of less?" When a reporter corrected him and advised that, in fact, the price of gas had decreased, O'Connor immediately pulled out the terrible towel and waved it above his head while screaming in a high-pitched voice.

Meanwhile, Ravenstahl's campaign unveiled the mayor's first television ad that will stress his experience and seasoning. It is called, "Tested by Fire: Ten days in the Cauldron of the Mayor's Office."

The New York Times cites this blog, calls it the city's equivalent of The Onion

PITTSBURGH - Our regular readers know that if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive there would be precious little time to serve the downtrodden. We make an exception in the case of The New York Times' front page story on Saturday about Pittsburgh's new mayor, Luke Ravenstahl, that cited this Web site and quoted one of our writers. It referred to us as "a satirical Web site and the city's equivalent of The Onion." We thought it ironic that one of the two most reputable news sources in the world had the courage to cite the other most reputable (us), and for this reason we salute the Times.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL DIAGNOSED WITH ACNE, DOCTORS CALL CONDITION SOCIALLY DEVASTATING, TREATABLE

PITTSBURGH - City of Pittsburgh residents were dealt another shocking blow yesterday when a spokesman for Mayor Luke Ravenstahl confirmed that the newest, youngest mayor in the history of the city was suffering from acne. Dick Skrinjar, former spokesman for the late Mayor Bob O’Connor serving in the same capacity for Mayor Ravenstahl, said the new mayor was "resting comfortably, surrounded by family and friends." He added that the Mayor was "responding beautifully" to the "intensive, relentless application of hot compresses to the infected area."

Dr. David Corbett, Chief of Dermatological Operations at the UPMC Center for Early Pimple Detection, met with reporters this morning. "Mayor Ravenstahl became concerned early Saturday when he noticed a series of highly sensitive, inflamed areas on his skin while shaving." Dr. Corbett refused to specify the exact areas of the face affected, citing privacy concerns and the wishes of the Ravenstahl family. "Mayor Ravenstahl spent a good deal of time in front of the mirror throughout the day inspecting his face," Dr. Corbett said. "Matters came to a head Saturday night when he was joined in the bathroom by members of his administration. After much debate, the Mayor and his advisers determined that the blemishes marring his youthful good looks were not going away, and he admitted himself to our facility." Dr. Corbett said he believes Mayor Ravenstahl’s acne may have developed as a result of the "tremendous anxiety and stress" he was dealing with in his new position. "This is a potentially devastating social condition that could have a profound impact on our new mayor’s self esteem," said Corbett. "But we’re optimistic that with proper dietary restrictions and round-the-clock pore cleansing, the Mayor will be able to beat this. As long as he doesn’t pick at it."

Despite being burned badly by US AIRWAYS, Airport Authority pledges major concessions to woo its Flight Operations Center here

"OH, PLEASE, SIR, GIVE ME ANOTHER," SAYS AIRPORT AUTHORITY BOARD CHAIRMAN GLENN MAHONE TO US AIRWAYS

DESECRATION AND DEFILEMENT

DEFILEMENT CONTINUES: MACY'S CLAIMS IT BOUGHT "KAUFMANN HOUSE" WITH DEPARTMENT STORE, PLANS TO DAM IT UP

KAUFMANN HOUSE MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS FALLINGWATER

9/11 BREAKTHROUGH . . .

PITTSBURGH - This news source last week photgraphed an older, balder Osama bin Laden in a suburban Pittsburgh convenience store that we have learned he uses as his world-wide terrorist headquarters. (In the photograph, bin Laden was brazenly clutching an American teenager he was trying to recruit for an upcoming suicide mission. Fortunately the child escaped.) By day, Bin Laden is a cashier at the Baldwin, Pennsylvania convenience store, selling milk and lottery tickets. By night, he conducts his international terror network from the back room by meeting with scores of disciples, plotting all manner of mayhem.

The U.S. Justice Department is unable capture bin Laden since he never leaves the convenience store. The Federal 1995 Extraterritorial Convenience Store Act affords all U.S.-based convenience stores extraterritorial status and treats them as if they are situated on Pakistani soil, much the same as the Pakistan Embassy in Washington, D.C. Under the Act, convenience stores are exempted from U.S. laws, and their owners and the personnel employed by them can neither be sued nor prosecuted here. If Federal agents were to charge into the store and forcibly remove bin Laden, it would be deemed a U.S. invasion of Pakistan under International Law.

For now, Federal agents are content to wait for bin Laden in the parking lot, confident that he'll eventually come out. Sometimes they venture inside the store to purchase cigarettes and milk from cashier bin Laden. And once in a while, if the mood strikes them, they'll pick numbers for the daily lottery. The numbers, of course, are always the same: "9-1-1."

STINGRAY EXONERATED; VP CHENEY ADMITS HE WAS SNORKELING WITH STEVE IRWIN AT TIME OF ACCIDENT

EX-PEOPLE'S COURT JUDGE WAPNER BROUGHT IN TO SPEED SADDAM HUSSEIN TRIAL TO CONCLUSION; VERDICT EXPECTED IN 15 MINUTES

BAGHDAD - The tortoise-paced trial of Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity will be put into hyperdrive when it resumes today and, in fact, likely will be wrapped up this morning, some four months ahead of schedule, because no-nonsense Judge Joseph A. Wapner, the original jurist of television's pioneer "court show," The People's Court, has been brought to Baghdad to finish it.

Wapner doesn't plan to deviate from his well-honed methods of adjudication. "We'll have eleven minutes of testimony, then a commercial break, and then I come back and give my verdict," Wapner said.

Consistent with The People's Court's pattern of assigning pithy names to the trials, according to Wapner this one will be called "The case of the out-of-control dictator."

Wapner insisted on bringing People's Court host Doug Llewelyn to Baghdad and, in keeping with the old show's format, after the verdict Llewelyn will interview the litigants as they depart the courtroom. "If Saddam loses, I'll ask him point-blank where he went wrong," said Llewelyn. "Of course, we'll only have time for a 15 second answer."

The 86-year-old Wapner hasn't lost a step since The People's Court left the air in 1993, and he means for everyone to know it. "We always did two trials each show, so after we finish with Saddam, since I'm already over here I'm going to try Osama bin Laden in absentia and get that one out of the way, too."

SPECIAL PROSECUTOR SAYS KARL ROVE MAY HAVE OUTED LIBERACE

WASHINGTON - Sources close to the Valerie Plame investigation say irrefutable evidence shows that White House aide Karl Rove outed Liberace to syndicated columnist Robert Novak. According to officials in the office of Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, Rove allegedly told Novak early last year that he “knew Liberace was a homosexual,” but asked him not to publish the story because, he said, “it would break my elderly mother’s heart.” Novak, however, cited a “compelling national prurient interest” in making public the information about Liberace, an interest he claims is expressly mentioned in the First Amendment. The outings of both Plame and Liberace were published in a Time Magazine article, “Things Important People Told Me Not To Tell You,” which created a sensation in the nation’s capitol and a firestorm of indifference across the rest of the country.

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL NAMES STEELER LINEBACKER JOEY PORTER DEPUTY MAYOR

PITTSBURGH - In his first official act as Mayor of the City of Pittsburgh, Luke Ravenstahl named Steelers linebacker Joey Porter Deputy Mayor "effective immediately following the conclusion of tonight’s Steelers home opener." Ravenstahl, who injected a note of whimsy into an otherwise somber day by performing an impromptu soft-shoe routine on a giant piano in the foyer of the City-County Building with former mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar late yesterday afternoon, met with reporters just prior to kickoff.

"After reading the cover story in the most recent issue of Sports Illustrated naming Mr. Porter the most feared player in the NFL," said Ravenstahl, "I have decided to appoint Mr. Porter as my second in command as I attempt to complete the work begun by my predecessor. I am certain that Mr. Porter will be of invaluable assistance to me in using all of his considerable persuasive powers to help impose my will – check that – bring to fruition the dreams the late Mayor O’Connor had for our city."

Ravenstahl said the first order of business for Deputy Mayor Porter would be to "personally visit" those members of Council who feel the City Charter calls for a new mayoral election as soon as 2007, rather than in 2009. "Deputy Mayor Porter will be calling on those individuals, such as Councilman Bill Peduto, or State Senator Jim Ferlo, in the near future, to set an example – check that – to make sure we’re all on the same page regarding the length of my current term in office."

Deputy Mayor Porter could not be reached for comment.

RAVENSTAHL ORDERS WARRANTLESS SURVEILLANCE OF MIAMI COACHING STAFF, CITES “INHERENT POWERS” TO OBTAIN INFORMATION NECESSARY TO PREVENT STEELER DEFEAT

PITTSBURGH - In a move blasted by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as "completely antithetical to the spirit of competition, grossly unfair, and utterly without precedent in the history of our league," new Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl admitted he issued an executive order authorizing the interception of electronic communication between the Miami Dolphins coaching staff in a field box and Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban. The program began immediately prior to last night’s game between the Steelers and the Dolphins. Mayor Ravenstahl said it will resume in two weeks when the Steelers host the Cincinnati Bengals.

Ravenstahl was unapologetic. "I did what Lincoln would have done," he said, adding, "especially if the Steelers were involved." Ravenstahl refused to say whether or not he had shared the information obtained with members of the Pittsburgh Steelers coaching staff. He did, however, tell reporters that "the actions undertaken, at my direction, were done to protect the citizens of Steelers nation, and that they thwarted numerous Dolphin offensive attacks in the process." When investigative reporter Seymour Hersh asked the Mayor if he had given any thoughts about the privacy rights of the members of the Miami Dolphins, Ravenstahl landed a solid right hand to his solar plexus. "And here’s another right, Seymour," he snarled, sending Hersh to the floor with a right hand to the chin. "Anybody else want to talk about rights?" Ravenstahl asked. "I’ll give you so many rights you’ll be begging for a left!"

News that Pittsburgh officials were listening in on discussions between Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper and his offensive coordinator was first disclosed in a New York Times article published this morning. Ravenstahl promised he’d be "delivering a little chin music" to the Times Executive Editor Bill Keller the next time he visited Gotham.

DICK SKRINJAR: "I THINK YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE SURPRISED WHEN MAYOR O'CONNOR COMES WALKING IN HERE TOMORROW MORNING"

MAYOR O'CONNOR'S SPOKESMAN CAN'T BREAK "SPIN" HABIT

CAUGHT ON FILM: THE FUNERAL PROCESSION WENDS THROUGH RITZY SHADYSIDE

JOHN MARK KARR ADMITS TO KILLING STEVE IRWIN

FDA RECALLS INSECTICIDE "RAID" BECAUSE OF HIGH INCIDENCE OF LIFE-THREATENING DISEASE IN INSECTS

WASHINGTON - The Food and Drug Administration ordered all lots of popular insecticide Raid pulled from store shelves this morning following the results of studies showing that Raid poses an "alarmingly" high incidence of life threatening disease to ants and flying insects.

MR. BLACKWELL NAMES ABU GHRAIB PRISONER WORST DRESSED OF YEAR; BRITNEY SPEARS A CLOSE SECOND

Pittsburgh says goodbye . . .

We thank Hammer Films for providing this photograpgh of a horse-drawn hearse. Actor Christopher Lee, as Dracula, appears with permission of Actors Equity.

Analysis: COUNCIL PRESIDENCY IS NOT THE FIRST JOB JIM MOTZNIK LOST BY CAMPAIGNING TOO EARLY

MOTZNIK WAS IN LINE TO SUCCEED POPE JOHN PAUL II IN 2005 BUT MADE SAME MISTAKE OF CAMPAIGNING TOO EARLY

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh City Council member Jim Motznik believed he had the job of Council President all sewn up this past Tuesday but ended up losing the election to Doug Shields in a 7-1 vote. Council members allegedly were upset by Motznik's unseemly conduct in openly campaigning for the job while Mayor Bob O'Connor lay dying at Shadyside Hospital.

This is not the first time Motznik has lost an election by campaigning too early. Achille Cardinal Silvistrini of Rome revealed that in 2005, Motznik was in line to become the first layman elected Pope of the Roman Catholic Church since Callixtus III in 1455 but that he ruined his chances by openly campaigning for the job while Pope John Paul II was on his deathbed.

According to Silvistrini, in the weeks before John Paul II's death in April 2005, Motznik trotted around the globe, going diocese to diocese shaking Cardinals' hands and dispensing cheap plastic pens and rubber "Magic Jar Opener/Bottle Cap Removers" that said: "MOTZNIK FOR POPE." Motznik boasted to reporters that he had commitments from a majority of Cardinals.

But then the inexplicable occurred. At the Papal conclave called after John Paul II's death, Motznik was shut out 265-1. The lone vote for Motznik was cast by Motznik. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope instead.

Motznik reacted to that defeat the same way he reacted this week when he lost the Council presidency. He stormed out of the conclave and telephoned KDKA's Fred Honsberger. "I was lied to by numerous Cardinals," he told Honsberger. "My word is my bond, but these Cardinals have no backbone, and they lied to my face." Then Motznik dropped this bombshell: "I even had the commitment of the new Pope [Benedict XVI]. We shook hands in a roomful of witnesses: The deal was that I would support him to be Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith and he would support me to be Pope. Then he went back on his word. I can never trust these Cardinals again."