ONE POSITIVE FROM TODAY'S GAME: COWHER COMPLETED HIS "TO-DO" LIST
"PICK UP MOVING BOXES; GET NEW BEACH CHAIRS; TURN IN OFFICE KEYS . . ."
TWO CMU STUDENTS NABBED TRYING TO SNEAK INTO HEINZ FIELD; BILL COWHER NABBED TRYING TO SNEAK OUT
PITTSBURGH - Two Carnegie Mellon University students were arrested as they tried to sneak into Heinz Field early this morning.Several hours later, Steelers coach Bill Cowher was nabbed as he tried to sneak out of Heinz Field.
Police say that Cowher stood on a ladder and attempted to scale a fence at Gate 5. Police confiscated the ladder and escorted Cowher back to the clubhouse. Police said security for this afternoon's game against Denver will be ramped up and that a guard has been assigned to make certain Cowher doesn't attempt another escape.
SPECTATORS IN BAGHDAD COURTROOM OVERJOYED THAT SADDAM HUSSEIN FOUND GUILTY, SENTENCED TO HANG
BAGHDAD - Saddam Hussein was convicted and sentenced today to hang for crimes against humanity in the 1982 killings of 148 people in a single Shiite town, as the ousted leader, trembling and defiant, shouted, "Long live the glorious nation, and death to its enemies!" When the Iraqi High Tribunal read the verdict, no one was happier than teary-eyed O. J. Simpson, sitting in the third row of the visitor's gallery of the courtroom. Simpson let out a noticeable gasp and for an instant looked unsteady on his feet. Then he flashed a smile and mouthed "thank you, thank you" to the judges on the Tribunal. He turned and hugged Johnnie Cochran and F. Lee Bailey, who were sitting with him.
Simpson spoke briefly with reporters on his way out of the courthouse and explained that ever since his acquittal in 1995 for the brutal murder of his wife, he has traveled the world to insure that justice is done to those responsible for atrocities against innocent people.
Actor Robert Blake and entertainer Michael Jackson, sitting together in the last row of the visitors' gallery, also hugged each other and mouthed "thank you" to the judges.
Secret memo: JoPa would have coached this Saturday from funeral home if he had died in surgery
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. - A secret memorandum drafted with the approval of Penn State's president made contingency plans in the event Joe Paterno, 79, had died on the operating table Sunday during surgery to repair a broken bone and knee ligament damage to his left leg. According to the memo, Penn State would have arranged for Paterno to coach this coming Saturday's game against Temple from a local funeral home. Penn State's director of communications Guido D'Elia refused to comment on the authenticity of the memo but noted, "I don't doubt [Paterno] could do it [coach from the funeral home], he's such a feisty guy. When he puts his mind to something, there's no holding him back."
Tom Bradley, Penn State's defensive coordinator, emphatically concurred. "Even dead, coach would still be the most qualified person to lead this team."
PENN STATE TIGHT END ANDREW QUARLESS TO BE CHARGED WITH ABUSE OF CORPSE AFTER PLOWING INTO JOE PATERNO
MADISON, Wis. - Penn State freshman tight end Andrew Quarless plowed into venerable Penn State coach Joe Paterno after catching a sideline pass in the third quarter of Penn State's loss to Wisconsin this afternoon. Paterno had to be carted off the field with an injury to his left leg. A Pennsylvania State Police spokeswoman said that upon his return to Pennsylvania, Quarless will be charged with abuse of corpse under 55 Pa.C.S. § 5510. ". . . [A] person who treats a corpse in a way that he knows would outrage ordinary family sensibilities commits a misdemeanor of the second degree."
VERDICT EXPECTED TO VANQUISH ONE OF WORLD'S MOST DIVISIVE, ARROGANT LEADERS
PENNSYLVANIA VOTERS LIKELY TO GIVE RICK SANTORUM THE BOOT
SADDAM VERDICT SHOCKER: EX-DICTATOR PLEADS GUILTY IN EXCHANGE FOR COMMUNITY SERVICE, TO LECTURE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS: "DON'T BE A DICTATOR LIKE ME!"
COMMUNITY SERVICE MAY INCLUDE HAVING FORMER PREZ RUN IRAQ FOR A TIME "TO PULL COUNTRY OUT OF CURRENT MESS."BAGHDAD - In a surprise plea bargain, the Iraq High Tribunal trying Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity announced this afternoon that Hussein had pled guilty to the charges and will be sentenced to 500 hours of community service in lieu of prison time or the death penalty. The head of Hussein's defense team, American criminal lawyer Tom Messareau, said that Hussein's community service will require him to travel the Iraqi high school circuit to convince kids "to go straight, and don't be a dictator like me."
Messareau hinted that secret discussions are underway that could entail having Hussein's community service include running Iraq for a time "to pull it out of its current mess." President Bush quickly downplayed this option. "It would only be for a limited time," said Bush. "A year or two at most, and he'd wear a monitoring bracelet around his ankle like Martha Stewart did. Most important, this time, Saddam would be serving democracy."
Hussein spoke briefly to reporters as he left the courtroom and said that if he is put in charge, the first thing he would do to "serve democracy" is to "castrate the jackals who put [him] in prison."
IRAQI LEADER URGES CALM AHEAD OF STEELERS-BRONCOS GAME
BAGHDAD, Iraq - Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Saturday urged Pittsburghers to accept the results of Sunday's Steelers-Broncos game without violence. He then imposed an open-ended curfew on the entire Steeler Nation and closed the Pittsburgh International Airport until further notice. A Steelers loss to Denver on Sunday may tip the Steeler Nation into full blown sectarian depression. In advance of the game, vacationing soldiers were recalled to duty in one of the heaviest security crackdowns in Pittsburgh history.
ARIEL SHARON EMERGES FROM COMA WITH "PERMANENT FOOLISH GRIN" FROZEN ON FACE
ONCE-GREAT WARRIOR'S NEW VISAGE WILL MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR ISRAEL TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN PEACE PROCESSJERUSALEM - Israel Prime Minister Ariel Sharon awoke from his coma this morning in miraculously good health, except that he now sports an apparently permanent, foolish grin. An Israeli official speaking on condition of anonymity said that "it would be damaging for Israel" to allow Sharon to negotiate with Palestinian leaders with this new look since "it would make him appear as if he's perpetually pleased with the progress of the peace talks, thus sending exactly the wrong message," the official said.
WTAE NEWS DIRECTOR FURIOUS OVER NEW YORK TIMES DECISION TO PUBLISH LEAKED COPY OF JOE DENARDO’S WINTER FORECAST
PITTSBURGH - WTAE News Director Bob Longo issued a press release this morning assailing The New York Times for publishing a leaked copy of meteorologist Joe DeNardo’s Winter Forecast. DeNardo’s Winter Forecast was scheduled for broadcast this evening on Channel Four Action News. "This egregious breach of the principle of separation of electronic and print media is a violation of the sacred trust our viewers have in us, and in Joe DeNardo’s forecast," said Longo. He added that he was planning to ask U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan to appoint a special prosecutor to identify the source of the leak. "I’ve got a feeling it was Don Schwenneker," said Longo. "He’s always been jealous of Joe." The forecast appears in today’s edition of The New York Times. The article reveals that Joe says over the next six to eight weeks, temperatures will begin to slowly decrease, on average, with a concurrent increase in the amount of darkness. Most of which, it says, will occur at night. The most shocking portion of the document deals with the issue of precipitation. "From the middle of December into the middle of March," Joe says, "We’re going to be faced with the possibility of snow." DeNardo ends his dire forecast on an optimistic note. "By the end of March, temperatures should begin to moderate. This is what we in the meteorology business call 'spring.'"
The New York Times article states that the paper already has a rough draft of DeNardo’s spring forecast. Bill Keller, Executive Editor, said he is still deciding whether or not to publish the rough draft. "There is a lot of internal debate at the paper about this," he said.
SMIZIK, SMITTEN BY COWHER’S STARE, ACCIDENTALLY BLURTS OUT PROFESSION OF LOVE AT PRESS CONFERENCE
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette columnist Bob Smizik made a shocking admission during Bill Cowher’s weekly press conference Tuesday when he accidentally professed his love for the Steelers head coach.Seated in the front row, Smizik asked Cowher if rumors of his departure following this season were having an impact on the performance of his team. Cowher responded with a terse "no." He then set his jaw, and cast his steely gaze upon the PG’s shaggy-haired contrarian. An uncomfortable silence descended upon the room as both men faced each other.
Smizik described the encounter this way: "It was as if he was looking deep into my eyes and directly into my soul," he said. "He had me at no."
Both men stared at each other for nearly thirty seconds, neither averting their gaze. Finally, Smizik, in a soft voice, spoke. "Bill," he said, "I think I’m falling in love with you." His statement drew howls of laughter. Smizik later admitted to feeling like a "complete idiot" for disclosing his feelings. "I knew those jerks in the press would make fun of me, so I played along like it was all a joke." Smizik added that he knew things would never work out between them. "We’ve both got our careers. He’s got a family in North Carolina, and I have to continue infuriating the general public with my columns."
Smizik said the ridicule he continues to receive from his fellow sportswriters makes him regret his carelessness in expressing sentiments he knew would always remain unrequited. He also wishes his colleagues would give him a break from the teasing he has been forced to endure. "I never planned to fall in love with him," he said. "It just happened."
SQUIRREL ATTACK ON POSTAL CARRIER WAS PLOY TO GAIN ATTENTION OF LOVE INTEREST
OIL CITY, Pa. - The squirrel attack that severely injured an Oil City postal carrier was a ploy to gain the attention of the object of the squirrel's unrequited love, Al-Jazeera television reports. Police identified the squirrel only as "Derek," and they withheld the identity of the woman who is the object of Derek's fixation other than to note that she is an Oil City native and the music director of WDVE 102.5 FM in Pittsburgh. A police spokesman said that Derek attempted to communicate with the young woman on numerous occasions prior to the attack but she repeatedly rebuffed his entreaties.
Records obtained from Blockbuster Video reveal that Derek repeatedly rented the motion picture Taxi Driver in the weeks leading up to the assault.
Animal psychiatrist Dr. Jingo Bang spent several hours interviewing Derek at St. Elizabeth's Hospital where he is confined and diagnosed his obsession as severely disordered. "In the past several months, Derek stalked various politicians with an eye toward doing them bodily harm in order to get [the young woman] to notice him, but the politicians merely threw nuts at him," Dr. Bang explained. "Derek felt an irresistible compulsion to attack the postal carrier."
Dr. Bang said that at Derek's trial he will recommend that the squirrel be found not guilty by reason of insanity and that he be permitted supervised visits to see his parents.
EX-CONGRESSMAN FOLEY CONFRONTS PAGE WHO RATTED HIM OUT IN RESTAURANT
"I know it was you. You broke my heart. You broke my heart."
REPUTED HEAD OF LOCAL LA COSA NOSTRA MICHAEL GENOVESE DIES
Genovese had warned his son prior to his death: "So, Barzini will move against you first. He'll set up a meeting with someone that you absolutely trust guaranteeing your safety. And at that meeting, you'll be assassinated."
CONCERTGOER THROWS DRINK ON STREISAND IN MIAMI
BARBRA MELTS, PERPETRATOR REQUESTS POSSESSION OF BROOMSTICK
SANTORUM CONCEDES: TIME TO WINTERIZE MY PENN HILLS HOME
PITTSBURGH - With the latest polls showing incumbent Senator Rick Santorum trailing challenger Bob Casey Jr. by anywhere from ten to seventeen points in his bid to retain his seat in the United States Senate, Santorum conceded it is time to winterize his sprawling two-bedroom Penn Hills estate. Santorum, who currently resides in Virginia, said he was "merely taking precautions in the unlikely event the voters of this Commonwealth are stupid enough to vote me out of office next Tuesday."
Santorum campaign chief media strategist John Brabender said Santorum’s willingness to confront tough issues like insulation and gap-caulking shows he’s not out of touch with ordinary Pennsylvanians. "I wonder when the last time Bobby Casey checked the flashing around his chimney to make sure it was water-tight?" asked Brabender.
The Senator spoke to reporters this morning during a trip to Home Depot in East Liberty. "It’s foolish to fight a war on two fronts," said Santorum. "There are storm clouds gathering on the horizon, and a cold wind is blowing across the land. But before we can defeat Islamo-fascism, we must defeat winter."
Santorum said his immediate concern was to do a thorough check of all weather-stripping on the doors and windows in his home. "That’s going to be a tough job," he said. Following that, the Senator planned to replace several loose shingles on his roof. "I’m not sure if I’m going to have time to get the gutters cleaned this weekend," he said. "But it’s starting to look like I’ll have some free time starting next Wednesday."
SHERIFF PETE DEFAZIO RETIRES, APPOINTS BROTHER JOHN AS HIS SUCCESSOR; NEW SHERIFF PLEDGES TO RID OFFICE OF NEPOTISM
PITTSBURGH - In his last official act as Allegheny County Sheriff, Pete Defazio appointed his brother, County Councilman At Large John Defazio, a former professional wrestler who performed as "Jumpin' Johnny DeFazio," as his successor. Pete Defazio made the announcement at his farewell news conference. New Sheriff John Defazio immediately pledged to end charges of nepotism in the hiring practices of the Sheriff’s office, beginning tomorrow.
FUNNY BONE CUTS KERRY'S ENGAGEMENT SHORT DUE TO BOTCHED JOKES
PITTSBURGH - The Funny Bone at Station Square is cutting short John Kerry's planned two-week engagement after just one performance because he kept botching the jokes, according to an inside source. The club offered the patrons who attended Kerry's lone show an apology because the performance "did not meet our usual standards of excellence."
All of Kerry's jokes were intended to be at President Bush's expense, but the senator misread them and ended up insulting members of the U.S. armed services, immigrants, women, blacks, Jews and the Pope.
The White House, Vice President Cheney and various Republicans in Congress demanded that Kerry apologize to his audience for his performance. The senator appeared on the "Imus in the Morning" radio show on MSNBC this morning and seemed contrite: "Of course, I'm sorry about the botched jokes." He said he was returning to Washington because he did not want to be "a distraction" to other comedians.
Comedian Shecky Greene said Kerry's performance was "about what I'd expect" because "he's nothing but a novelty act, he isn't even a member of the Friar's Club. Look, the guy never paid his dues in the Catskills like the rest of us. So, he botches a few jokes, what do you expect?"
WQED DITCHES TIRED FUNDRAISING PREMIUMS, WILL OFFER LAP DANCES FOR PLEDGES OF $150 OR MORE
PITTSBURGH - Seeking to collar a younger male demographic, WQED television is ditching its stodgy fundraiser premiums of tote bags and light classical music CD's in order to give the guys what they really want -- lap dances.WQED President George Miles said the station is looking to finally break into the 18-24 year old male market. "These boys are after one thing," Miles chuckled, "and we're going to give it to them."
Miles said that the station is looking at replacing some of "that staid, PBS programming that nobody watches" with episodes of Girls Gone Wild. "The guys I'm after don't want to see the crap we show, plain and simple. Let me be honest: I don't want to see the crap we show -- Nova, An Evening with Andrea Bocelli, those supposedly sophisticated but boring-as-hell English comedies. I mean, come on! This is 2006!"
Miles said the station won't discriminate and will give women donors an equivalent premium. "If the gals give me $150 or more, I'll get Rick Sebak over here to give them a lap dance."
RAVENSTAHL TO BECOME FIRST SITTING PITTSBURGH MAYOR TO ATTEMPT HIGHWIRE WALK ACROSS SEVENTH AVENUE WITHOUT A NET
PITTSBURGH - On Saturday at 10 a.m., Luke Ravenstahl will become the first sitting Mayor in Pittsburgh history to attempt a highwire walk across Seventh Avenue without a net. A wire has been positioned thirty-eight stories above street level between the Gulf Tower and the Koppers Building. More than 100,000 spectators are expected to line the street, which will be closed to traffic. Ravenstahl vows to make the walk, "high winds or no."
Ravenstahl comes from a family of stunt and daredevil performers known around the world as The Flying Ravenstahls. Circus magnate John Ringling discovered the mayor's grandfather, Karl, in Germany in 1928 when he was being shot out of a cannon by neighbors "just to pass the time." Ringling brought him to the United States and made him a star attraction in the Ringling Brothers' Circus.
Ravenstahl is not Pittsburgh's first daredevil mayor. Former Mayor Sophie Masloff successfully made the identical walk in 2000 at the age of 82, but she was not a sitting mayor at the time. The only sitting Mayor to attempt the walk, David Lawrence, did so in 1958, but with the benefit of a safety net. Lucky for him: Lawrence fell and broke his ankle, even with a net. Although Mayor Pete Flaherty never attempted a highwire walk, he did successfully complete a motorcycle jump across the Monongahela River in 1972.
CONVICTED ABU GHRAIB DOG HANDLER A FAMILIAR NAME TO GENERATIONS OF AMERICANS
WASHINGTON, D.C. - An Army dog handler who worked at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq was found guilty yesterday of improperly frightening detainees with his collie. A military jury found Sgt. Timmy Martin, 55, responsible for mistreating prisoners by allowing his dog Lassie to intimidate high-value detainees by growling and barking at them at close range. A contrite Martin, addressing the Military Tribunal that found him guilty, said he was “awful sorry.” Speaking to his co-defendant, Lassie, Martin said, “We were just trying to prevent another terrorist attack, weren’t we girl?” Lassie responded with a robust bark. The prosecution immediately objected, and the presiding judge instructed the court reporter to strike the bark from the record.
Speaking with reporters from their farm in an unidentified hamlet somewhere in the American heartland, Sgt. Martin’s parents, Paul and Ruth Martin, expressed concern for their son and his dog in stern, but loving, tones. “Timmy knows better than to allow Lassie to violate international standards of behavior when it comes to treatment of enemy combatants in a time of war,” said Mr. Martin. “And Lassie knows better, too. Why, she’s been a member of Amnesty International for years.” Mrs. Martin said her son “needed to be punished,” but felt that spending the rest of his life in prison was too severe. “I think sending him to bed without a glass of warm milk for a week would have done the trick.”
EXPERTS DETERMINED BED WAS HONEST ABE'S BECAUSE OF STOVEPIPE HAT AND CAREFULLY HEWED SPLIT RAIL DILDO
PITTSBURGH - The Victorian bed that Abraham Lincoln slept in when he passed through Pittsburgh in 1861 on his way to be inaugurated was found in a shed in South Park. Experts say they are certain it is Lincoln’s bed because in the sheets they found a stovepipe hat and a carefully hewed split rail dildo.
SALLY WIGGIN TO PERFORM VULCAN MIND MELD ON ROETHLISBERGER, FILM AT ELEVEN
PITTSBURGH - WTAE Channel 4 Action News director Bob Longo announced that anchorwoman Sally Wiggin will perform a Vulcan mind-meld on Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. The Vulcan mind-meld is a controversial, dangerous means of merging two minds to create a single consciousness invented by Leonard Nimoy in 1966. Longo said the mind-meld is being performed with the blessing of Coach Cowher. "Like all of us, [he's] searching for answers. Coach Cowher wishes Sally the best as she attempts to enter the tormented psyche of his gifted, if erratic signal-caller."
This is not the first time Wiggin has performed a mind-meld during her nearly quarter century in Pittsburgh broadcasting. In 1992, Wiggin used a mind-meld to determine the reasons behind then-Pittsburgh Pirate Barry Bonds' prolonged post-season batting slump. Wiggin never revealed what that mind-meld yielded, but she was so shaken by it that she abruptly disappeared from the air on an extended leave of absence.
Longo said Wiggin is convinced that by sharing the thoughts, experiences and memories of Roethlisberger she can determine the true cause of his poor play on the gridiron this season. "Our viewers are clamoring for an explanation," said Longo. "Sally's mind-meld will provide them with accurate, up-to-the-minute information and round-the-clock access deep into the recesses of Big Ben's brain."
Longo said the Wiggin-Roethlisberger mind-meld will be filmed and will air during the November sweeps. When asked if the mind-meld wasn't merely a cheap publicity stunt designed to increase ratings, Longo became angry. "I don't know how you could accuse us of something like that," he said.
PITTSBURGH STAGES ZOMBIE WALKS AT MONROEVILLE MALL AND McAFEE COLISEUM IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA
TAGLINE: "WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, THE DEAD WILL PLAY FOR THE STEELERS"
STEELERS PLAYOFF CHANCES DEAD, MAYOR DECLARES THREE-DAY MOURNING PERIOD, FLAGS LOWERED TO HALF-STAFF
"THIS IS OUR KATRINA"PITTSBURGH - A somber Mayor Luke Ravenstahl took to the airwaves at nine-o’clock last night to offer words of reassurance to a city teetering on the brink of emotional collapse. Ravenstahl’s emergency address was prompted by the Steelers loss to the Oakland Raiders, putting their playoff hopes in jeopardy.
With the Steelers trailing at halftime, Ravenstahl summoned an emergency meeting of his cabinet by taking to the roof of the City-County Building and shining the Steelers signal into the night sky. Minutes after the game concluded, Ravenstahl began receiving reports from commanders in the field of mass weeping, teeth gnashing, and garment rending. "When River Rescue called and told him we had jumpers, he knew he had to do something," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. Ravenstahl’s five-minute address, drawing on classical themes of death, loss and renewal, was replete with references to Greek philosophy, Romantic poetry, and Vince Lombardi. "I would give anything not to be sitting here tonight speaking to you under these circumstances," said Ravenstahl. "All is lost. All is lost," he said, his familiar monotone cracking with emotion. "This is our Katrina," said the Mayor, referring to the hurricane that devastated New Orleans.
Ravenstahl said he would ask President Bush to declare Pittsburgh an emotional disaster area, thereby releasing millions of dollars in Federal funds that come with such a designation. "People could use that money for kleenex, sedatives, or liquor," said the Mayor. He then announced a three-day period of civic mourning. All city offices, as well as city schools, will be closed until Thursday. Garbage pick-up will be suspended until Friday. All flags will be lowered to half-staff until kick-off next Sunday.
COWHER HINTS AT QUARTERBACK CHANGE, MAY BENCH ROETHLISBERGER, PLAY BARABBAS AGAINST THE BRONCOS
OAKLAND - Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher said he was giving strong consideration to starting back-up quarterback Barabbas against the Denver Broncos next week. The Steelers signed Barabbas last week as insurance against additional injury to starting quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Barabbas is a much-traveled journeyman quarterback and petty thief from Southern Judea who has long been a favorite of hostile mobs.
Roethlisberger, injured in a motorcycle accident last spring, underwent an emergency appendectomy prior to the start of the season, and sustained a concussion in Atlanta last week. Additionally, sources say Roethlisberger has been experiencing anxiety attacks since learning that Iran is continuing its program of uranium enrichment. All of these factors have contributed to Roethlisberger's poor performance.
Cowher said he has heard the rumbling from the crowd. "I heard their hosannas when Ben entered the game," he said. "And I heard their cries to crucify Him, crucify Him, after He threw his fourth interception."
The coach also said he was aware of the "We want Barabbas" chants from a large contingent of Steelers fans sitting directly behind the Steeler's bench. Cowher admitted he thought about making the switch, but ultimately decided against it. "Barabbas isn’t familiar enough with the playbook yet," said Cowher. "Next week might be a different story."
When told of Cowher’s comments, Roethlisberger was defiant, but compassionate. "I forgive Coach. He knows not what he says," said Roethlisberger. Big Ben added that it would be unwise to consider the Steelers playoff chances dead. "We’ll be back," he promised.
DOCTORS FIND CAUSE OF DILBERT CARTOONIST'S AFFLICTION THAT MADE HIM SPEAK IN RHYME
DUBLIN, Calif. - "Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams, 49, was afflicted last week with Spasmodic Dysphonia, a mysterious disease in which parts of the brain controlling speech shut down or go haywire. Adams inexplicably lost his voice — except when speaking in rhyme or pinching his nose. Doctors have concluded that the illness was brought on by a curse placed on Adams by Endora, the mother-in-law in Bewitched.
DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING MANAGER PONDERS USES FOR "DESIGNATED SMOKING AREA" AFTER SMOKING BAN TAKES EFFECT
PITTSBURGH - Bradleys Roadhouse, the manager of Pittsburgh's USX Tower, said that the "designated smoking area" outside his building is an undesirable gathering place where unproductive workers engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle block the paths of industrious people. Roadhouse said that once the County's no-smoking ban takes effect, in order to make similar use of the designated area he will invite Pittsburgh City Council to hold its meetings there.
MAN "NOT RIGHT" SINCE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TOOK EFFECT GETS HOUR BACK, NOW OK
PITTSBURGH - Ever since Sunday, April 2, the day U.S. postal worker Bruce Murray and most of the rest of America switched to daylight savings time and lost an hour of sleep, Murray has suffered from a continuous stream of ailments, including acute headaches, chronic lethargy and bouts of severe depression. Since then, Murray has been involved in no fewer than 13 vehicular mishaps and has accidentally chopped off two fingers. "I haven't been right since I lost that hour," said Murray. "My basement is filled to the ceiling with mail that I just haven't been up to delivering, all because of 'daylight savings time.'" Murray's words drip with derision for the system mandated by the Federal Uniform Time Act of 1966. "In fact, I think I'm wanted for a hit-and-run in West Virginia or someplace," Murray chuckled.
This morning, Murray finally got that hour back as daylight savings time ended. Overnight, the maladies disappeared, and Murray is his old self again. "I feel just great," he said.
Dozens of social security beneficiaries, among countless others on Murray's mail route, will be relieved to learn that after a much-needed vacation he plans to try to catch up on the seven months of backlogged mail strewn about his basement.
"I'll be just fine until next April," said Murray. "Unfortunately, that's when the whole damn thing starts all over again."
ADVISORS WARN MAYOR NOT TO MAKE FOOL OF HIMSELF ON HALLOWEEN BY WAITING FOR MYTHICAL CREATURE IN PUMPKIN PATCH
RAVENSTAHL URGED TO GO TRICK OR TREATING WITH THE OTHER KIDS
GOV. RENDELL: GAMBLING WILL BRIGHTEN THE EXISTENCE OF CERTAIN PENNSYLVANIANS WHO "LEAD VERY GRAY LIVES, WITHOUT MUCH SOCIAL INTERACTION . . . "
". . . There's not a whole lot of good things that happen in their month. But if you put them on the bus, they're excited. They're happy. They have fun. They see bright lights. They hear music." The Governor was referring, of course, to the Santorum family.
JOIN US EVERY FRIDAY FOR THE WEEKLY ROUND-UP ON THE DVE MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY, 102.5
HERE ARE THE HEADLINES WE REPORTED TODAY:*A train derailment at Carnegie Science Center’s Miniature Railroad and Village dumped two ounces of ethanol and forced the evacuation of 30 miniature homes. One homeowner said he saw flames shoot four inches into the air, and the explosion felt like someone bumped the platform with his knee.
*Madonna bows to media pressure and is returning Luke Ravenstahl to the African village where she adopted him.
*This one’s not a hoax: A dirty bomb was dropped at Happy Valley last weekend -- by Joe Paterno, in his pants. A HazMat team was called in for the clean-up.
*Declaring that panhandling is a high-growth industry, Mayor Ravenstahl met with bums at a public hearing in Market Square and said, "I can think of no better way to honor the contributions of our leading panhandlers than to change the name of this hallowed square to ‘Wino Central.”
*Halloween decorating has gotten competitive in Mt. Lebanon. One family is offering free burial space in their front yard to the recently deceased. Not to be outdone, their next door neighbors are out to scare the bejeebers out of the borough by showing the 2006 Pirates highlight video in their front yard.
*More violence in Iraq: Shiites gunned down Sunni Corleone on the Causeway in retaliation for Michael Corleone’s murder of Sollozzo Hussein.
*Pittsburgh Brewing has issued a commemorative Chapter 11 beer Bottle that says, “We are broke.”
IRONY: SNOOP DOGG ARRESTED AFTER DOG SNOOPED OUT HIS LUGGAGE
RAPPER NABBED AT AIRPORT ON SUSPICION OF DRUG, GUN POSSESSION
NEW POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF PENNSYLVANIA TELEVISION VIEWERS HATE CASEY, SANTORUM
PITTSBURGH - The most recent Keystone Poll, released this morning, reveals that challenger Bob Casey has narrowed the gap between himself and incumbent Senator Rick Santorum in the race for the United States Senate. "It’s a virtual dead heat," said Professor G. Terry Madonna of Franklin and Marshall College. "The public can’t stand either one of them." The poll shows that both men are now equally reviled by a majority of Pennsylvania residents. "Nearly one hundred percent of registered television viewers across the Commonwealth are now drawing no distinction between either candidate," said Madonna. "For instance, when asked which candidate’s image would make you more likely to shoot out your television screen, the nearly unanimous answer was 'either one.'"
The professor said that one hundred percent of those surveyed admitted to punching, kicking, shooting, or bludgeoning their television set when forced to watch a commercial for either Santorum or Casey during their campaign.
Madonna also said he wasn’t surprised by Casey’s late surge. "Santorum started this race as a guy most people couldn’t stand. He had great stomach-turning recognition. But all along, Casey’s people kept saying just give our guy a chance. And it seems now that the people know him, they find him just as repulsive as the guy he’s trying to beat." Madonna added "That’s politics for you." The ever-coy Madonna refused to pick a winner. "Casey has all of the vitality of a day-old bagel, and Santorum just has the face that makes you want to punch him," said Madonna, adding, "This thing is going down to the wire."
DANCING WITH THE STARS CONTESTANTS PENALIZED FOR EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION
THEY WERE SO ELATED AFTER THEIR PERFORMANCE, THEY STARTED TOSSING A FOOTBALL AROUND
COWHER SAYS "THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN THAT I WILL SAY 'THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN'"
COACH DOES NOT WANT TO DISCUSS EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION PENALTY
EDITORIAL: MOUNT LEBANON CORRECT TO ISSUE DEATH WARRANT FOR ICE CREAM VENDOR DUE TO EXCESSIVE TRUCK MUSIC
EDITORIAL - It is my duty as a fair-mined observer of the human condition to set the record straight on behalf of the misunderstood residents of Mt. Lebanon. Some will brand as "harsh" the decision of Mt. Lebanon Borough Council to issue a death warrant for an elderly ice cream vendor whose truck blares music through the ritzy streets of this upscale community.
In fact, the warrant is anything but harsh.
The warrant was issued in response to the complaints of civic-minded Mt. Lebanon residents about music from an ice cream truck belonging to one "Chuck" Greenberger, owner of Chuck's Ice Cream.
Exactly who does this 83-year-old peddler think he is, forcing his frozen confections and horrid music on Mt. Lebanon's distinctive way of life? The people don't want him here, and he knows it.
What is Mr. Greenberger's defense to this? His trucks need to play music, he kvetches, or "the kids ain't gonna know I'm there." He adds: "Laws like this could be the end of the ice cream trucks." On and on he blathers, one twisted assertion cascades upon the next until they collapse on each other to reveal a Rorschach inkblot of serious criminality.
It is unjust to misconstrue the residents' complaints as niggling bellyaching from well-to-do folks who have nothing better to do than to interfere with an elderly man's attempts to eke out a living. You see, Mt. Lebanon has to draw a line in the sand here and now in order to keep interlopers like "Chuck" Greenberger out, or it will be overrun by even more serious criminals.
Perhaps even mass murderers, like, for example, Richard Baumhammers, who went on a killing spree in April 2000 and killed five people. Admittedly this is not a perfect analogy since Baumhammers actually resided in one of Mt. Lebanon's most exclusive neighborhoods at the time of the murders. But you get the point.
T-ball coach who ordered hit on autistic child is granted bail, hired as Pirates' pitching coach
PITTSBURGH - Mark R. Downs, Jr., a Fayette County T-ball coach, sentenced this month to prison for ordering a little league pitcher to throw at one of his players who is autistic, was freed pending appeals of his conviction and sentence. But that's not the only good news Downs received today. During a press conference at the Fayette County Jail, Pirates manager Jim Tracy announced that Downs will be the Bucs' pitching coach in 2007, assuming Downs is not serving time in prison.
Tracy read from a prepared statement: "Mark Downs has exhibited the unique ability to motivate his personnel to follow his instructions to the letter, even if those instructions violate universally accepted standards of decency and morality. That's exactly the kind of coach the Pittsburgh Pirates need."
Downs said he will work in the off-season to teach Zach Duke and Ian Snell to throw at opposing batters' groins.
MORE VIOLENCE IN IRAQ: SHIITES GUN DOWN CHIEF FOE SUNNI CORLEONE ON CAUSEWAY IN RETAILIATION FOR MURDER OF SOLLOZZO HUSSEIN
IRAQI PRIME MINISTER NOURI AL-MALIKI WANTS TO ARRANGE A MEETING WITH THE HEADS OF THE FIVE FAMILIES: "THIS WAR STOPS NOW"
DENNIS REGAN'S OFFICE EFFECTS SOLD IN YARD SALE IN FRONT OF CITY-COUNTY BUILDING
REGAN WONDERING IF MAYOR "IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING"
PITTSBURGH - City of Pittsburgh Operations Director Dennis J. Regan, under investigation for allegedly quashing a disciplinary action against a detective who is the brother of Regan's housemate, was said to be "concerned" this morning after learning that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl personally removed his office effects to the front of the City-County Building and erected a sign that said: "Dennis Regan Yard Sale." Another sign said: "Everything must go." Ravenstahl told city employees to "get as much as you can for this crap, but get rid of it." Chief of Staff Yarone Zober, 31, has taken Mr. Regan's former office next to the Mayor's.
Ravenstahl has not announced whether he wants Regan to stay in his administration.
"There's nothing to read into that [yard sale]," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "The Mayor loves the neighborhood feel of a yard sale, that's all."
RAVENSTAHL NAMES RENFIELD DIRECTOR OF GENERAL SERVICES
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl has named R.M. Renfield, a recent escapee from the Bedlam Lunatic Asylum, as Director of General Services.Dr. Van Helsing, director of patient services at the Bedlam Asylum, hailed the news. "I’ve said it many times. The proper place for the deranged in our society is not on the streets," said Van Helsing. "It’s on the city payroll."
Ravenstahl made the announcement at a news conference held this morning. The Mayor said he hoped the hiring of Renfield would help remove the stigma associated with people adjudicated criminally insane. "Children of the night!" he began, before correcting himself. "I mean, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have a sign on my desk that says 'you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.' In that spirit, I give you Director Renfield." Ravenstahl then ushered the newest member of his administration to the podium.
Overcome with emotion, Renfield could muster only a few words. "Master! Master!" he shouted, before emitting a low, guttural whine. Ravenstahl quickly directed Renfield to an exit. "Director Renfield has pledged his absolute obedience to me," said the Mayor. "And may I add the people of this city are going to love the work this vile wretch is going to perform, particularly in the area of pest removal."
Mayor Ravenstahl said Renfield planned to begin an ambitious program of cockroach extermination. "Director Renfield will personally supervise their removal," said the Mayor. He added, "I am confident Pittsburgh will be entirely bug free within days."
RENDELL TELLS REPORTERS HE'S NOT HIDING CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL UNTIL ELECTION IS OVER
MUFFLED NOISES EMANATE FROM NEARBY CRATE
"As with everything, Mr. Casey, you're wrong -- I am not a 'desperate campaigner' . . ."
". . . But I will say this: If you win this election, with my bare hands, I personally will destroy three major office buildings downtown Pittsburgh; and if you have any sons, I'll do to them what Mark Foley only dreamed about."
TED WILLIAMS' HEAD THAWED OUT FOR ANNUAL PRESS CONFERENCE
"SPLENDID SPLINTER" RAILS ON ABOUT LOST ART OF HITTING IN CRYONICS COMPANY'S YEARLY MORBID PUBLICITY STUNTSCOTTSDALE, Ariz. - The head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams was reanimated yesterday at the cryonics company where it has been stored since 2002, just as it is every year during the World Series, so that Williams could lecture, reprimand and cajole the press on a variety of subjects. Although the "Splendid Splinter" spewed his customary disdain for modern hitters, he had little new to say.
PRESS CONFERENCE HAS BECOME ANNUAL AFFAIR
Following Williams' death on July 5, 2002, his body was flown to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation where it was severed from its head via a procedure known as neuroseparation. The body immediately was stored in a 9-foot cylindrical steel tank, and the head was placed in a steel can filled with liquid nitrogen.
At the end of every baseball season, scientists at Alcor gingerly remove the head from the can to thaw it out. Then they administer a series of electric shocks that serve to reanimate it for approximately two hours before it finally tuckers out.
Although critics decry Williams' annual press conference as a morbid publicity stunt for Alcor, "Teddy Ballgame's" legion of fans eagerly await their hero's annual appearances.
Immediately upon being revived, Williams confers with several friends who bring him up to date on the past year's events -- mainly about fly fishing, politics and especially baseball. The first question Williams asks his confidants is always the same: "Did anyone hit .400 this year?" The answer is always "no." Williams was the last player to hit .400, a feat he accomplished in 1941 when he batted .406.
Then the reporters are ushered into the lab so that Williams can hold court. Williams always starts the press conference with a wisecrack -- invariably he apologizes for not being able to tip his cap to the press corps "because I don't have any arms," a comical reference to the fact that throughout his career he refused to tip his cap to his adoring Boston fans. Next Williams vexes the assembled by insisting that someone hold the book he authored, The Science of Hitting, close to his eyes so that he can read a chapter aloud, much to the chagrin of the disinterested reporters
THIS YEAR, NOTHING NEW TO SAY
This year's press conference stayed true to form but offered no new insights into Williams' life or career. In past years, Williams has been so high-spirited that he has gone so far as to serenade reporters with "Take me out to the Ballgame." But this year Williams appeared to be in a prickly mood and, for the first time since his death, abruptly refused even to answer questions at the end of his lecture. The reporters were ushered out of the lab and the door was closed, but Williams could be heard vehemently arguing with Dr. Bob Haas, Chief of Staff at Alcor, over Alcor's fee for the neuroseparation procedure, which remains largely unpaid. Williams also severely reprimanded Haas for not shaving him in the past year. As Williams ratcheted up the decibel level, a "thud . . . thud" came from the lab, as if a watermelon had been dropped, and Williams suddenly was silenced. Then came the sound of the lid on the steel can being sealed.
So for another year, Ted Williams rests in peace -- and pieces. As the reporters trudged through the hot Alcor parking lot they muttered that they hoped next year the once-great slugger would give them something more to write about.
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