PennDOT ENGINEER SAYS HE'S UNCOVERED THE CAUSE OF THE RT. 28 ROCK SLIDES
Controversial researcher recommends new traffic pattern, constant repetition of five musical notes, to prevent any more encounters
Paterno to institute "La-Z-Boy Offense"
HAPPY VALLEY, Pa. - Veteran Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has indicated he will coach this year from the comfy confines of his favorite recliner, which is being installed in the press box high above Beaver Stadium, along with a mini-bar and 42" plasma TV."I froze my ass off for far too long." the 80-year old coach said, in a candid interview. "And now I'm ready to kick back and relax."
BONDS CALLS IT QUITS, RETIRES ONE HOMER SHORT OF AARON'S RECORD
"I decided that because I am so undeserving of the the home run title, the only way I could maintain the game's integrity was to quit before I tied Mr. Aaron's record." -- Barry Bonds
CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL, THINKS HE'S FORMER KIDS' SHOW SIDEKICK MR. GREENJEANS
WASHINGTON - Chief Justice John Roberts was released from a Maine hospital Tuesday after suffering a seizure and told President Bush by telephone he was doing fine. Bush immediately noticed there was something wrong, however, because Roberts kept referring to him as "Captain" and repeatedly said he was "glad to be back at the Treasure House."It quickly became apparent to Roberts' friends and associates that the Chief Justice believes he is Mr. Greenjeans, long-time sidekick to TV's Captain Kangaroo. Mr. Greenjeans was played by the late actor Hugh "Lumpy" Brannum.
Justice Samuel Alito said that he called Roberts to discuss a certain antitrust case pending before the Supreme Court. "I asked him if he'd read the briefs yet," Alito said, "and he told me, 'no, but Mr. Moose and Bunny Rabbit have.'"
JEFF ROMOFF HAS 'UPMC' TATTOOED ON HIS PENIS
INDELIBLE CORPORATE LOGO ON GENITALIA BELIEVED TO BE A FIRST FOR A PITTSBURGH HEALTH CARE PROVIDER EXECUTIVE
Joint Chiefs of Staff testifies before Senate
Admiral Mullen asked to demonstrate level of progress in Iraq
JACK WILSON HAD STATEMENT PREPARED IN THE EVENT HE HAD BEEN TRADED TO DETROIT
"FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST"
TED KENNEDY REVEALS THAT HE HAD SEIZURE AT CHAPPAQUIDDICK
TEARFUL SENATOR SAYS CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS' SEIZURE MADE HIM REALIZE -- "THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME"
PIRATES ACQUIRE MORRIS
Littlefield insists he was not taken advantage of in trade despite having to assume all of Morris' $9.5 million annual contract and provide a new litter box
DON CANNON REVEALS THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS "ILLNESS"
"Am I really sick? Of course I'm sick," the veteran newscaster said. "I'm sick of pretending that crap I have to read is actual news."
MAN LOSES DEFAMATION SUIT AGAINST POST-GAZETTE, POST-GAZETTE WILL NOW TELL WHAT IT REALLY THINKS OF HIM
PAPER TO DEVOTE ENTIRE SECTION ON SUNDAY TO WHAT A MISERABLE, WRETCHED PERSON PLAINTIFF IS
BREAKING NEWS: CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS ESCAPES FROM HOSPITAL, NATION ON HIGH ALERT
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Guard is warning Americans within the 48 contiguous states to be extremely cautious this afternoon in light of news that Chief Justice John Roberts escaped from a Maine hospital this morning by diving out of a second story window.Witnesses say the jurist landed on his head, appeared to be stunned for several seconds, then stood up and ran into nearby woods. Roberts is unarmed but considered dangerous because of his extreme intelligence.
President Bush recorded a television message to be broadcast on all major networks urging Roberts to turn himself in. "John, you're sick, John," the President implored. "You've got to let us help you. Give himself up, John. You need help."
RAVENSTAHL ADMITS TO, BUT DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR, LATE-NIGHT BOOKSTORE INCIDENT
PITTSBURGH - Beset by rumors and speculation, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today finally addressed reports that he got drunk and shoved a police officer while waiting in line for the release of the new Harry Potter book.Responding to accusations on a blog maintained by former WPXI anchorwoman Edye Tarbox, Ravenstahl gave his account of the July 20th incident in which he argued with, and was eventually handcuffed by, a police officer at the Eastside Borders bookstore.
"Myself and everybody else that was in the front of the line had no control of our bodies going forward," Mr. Ravenstahl said. "But that was the hot place to be that night, so there was no way in hell I was gonna leave."
The mayor denied being drunk, but did admit that he and his friends had consumed "maybe a coupla beers" earlier in the evening while tailgating in the Whole Foods parking lot. "This is the last Harry Potter book ever, man. We had to get our wizard on and have some fun."
Just before midnight, when a police officer in charge of security told Mr.Ravenstahl to stop cutting in line and wait his turn like everyone else, the mayor immediately identified himself. "I told him, 'Hey, dude, I'm the mayor! Step off!' When he expressed back to me that he didn't care who I was, I decided to pursue the matter going forward."
The mayor admitted using language that "maybe I shouldn't have," but claims" at no time did I physically assault that jerkwad." The mayor also denied pointing his middle finger at the officer and shouting, "Avada Kedavra, pig! Avada Kedavra!"
Mr. Ravenstahl vehemently criticized what he called "Death Eater Journalism" that has blown this story out of proportion in an attempt to benefit Mark DeSantis, his Republican challenger in the upcoming election.
"Could I have handled it in a different way? I guess," Mr. Ravenstahl said. "But I feel, and felt, and still do, that I have an obligation, or had an obligation, as an elected official, as a mayor that represents the city and its neighborhoods, to be there and have as much fun as possible."
When asked if he had finished reading the book, Mr. Ravenstahl replied,"What book?"
HILLARY CLINTON COLLEGE LETTERS ARE FAKES
Carbon dating suggests forgery; references to "LindsayLohan" and "that cool new iPhone" confirm it
INFORMANT McGRUFF THE CRIME DOG READY TO SPILL BEANS ON MICHAEL VICK
"YOU PICKED THE WRONG DOG TO USE IN ONE OF YOUR MATCHES, MIKE. YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"
SUCCESS OF YOUTUBE PRIMARY DEBATE LEADS CNN TO NEXT FORMAT
Upcoming debates will feature candidates for president taking questions from cartoon characters
Hot on the heels of the YouTube Democratic Presidential debate that featured a snowman, a rapper, and men dressed as hillbillies questioning those vying to be the leader of the free world, CNN has announced that the upcoming Republican primary debate will feature a panel of cartoon characters posing questions.
Jonathan Klein, president of CNN, said that these won’t be just any cartoon characters either. “We’re pleased to announce that the heroes from the Justice League series will be moderating the next debate. They have a wide range of interests and supernatural powers, and I’m sure their questions will be just as varied.”
Joining the panel is Aquaman, who figures to have pointed questions about the melting ice caps. Wonder Woman, who has promised not to use her golden lasso to force candidates to tell the truth, is expected to ask about woman’s reproductive rights. And leading the panel will be Thor, who’s European background leads many to believe he will ask the candidates about inviting America’s allies to participate in foreign policy discussions.
If the debate is successful, CNN plans other format changes that could include “Who’s nomination is it anyway?” where candidates must act out their positions on the critical issues facing the country.
Hot on the heels of the YouTube Democratic Presidential debate that featured a snowman, a rapper, and men dressed as hillbillies questioning those vying to be the leader of the free world, CNN has announced that the upcoming Republican primary debate will feature a panel of cartoon characters posing questions.Jonathan Klein, president of CNN, said that these won’t be just any cartoon characters either. “We’re pleased to announce that the heroes from the Justice League series will be moderating the next debate. They have a wide range of interests and supernatural powers, and I’m sure their questions will be just as varied.”
Joining the panel is Aquaman, who figures to have pointed questions about the melting ice caps. Wonder Woman, who has promised not to use her golden lasso to force candidates to tell the truth, is expected to ask about woman’s reproductive rights. And leading the panel will be Thor, who’s European background leads many to believe he will ask the candidates about inviting America’s allies to participate in foreign policy discussions.
If the debate is successful, CNN plans other format changes that could include “Who’s nomination is it anyway?” where candidates must act out their positions on the critical issues facing the country.
SI.com Ranks Pirates' Nutting Among Top 5 Worst MLB Owners
Team plans fireworks, promotional giveaway to commemorate the event
BUSH SUMMONS EXORCIST TO CURE CHIEF JUSTICE'S 'SEIZURES'
PREZ ATTRIBUTES ROBERTS' DEMONIC POSSESSION TO INFLUX OF LIBERALS ARGUING IN SUPREME COURT
CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS SUFFERS SEIZURE, THROWS SELF ON FLOOR, STARTS SPINNING AROUND LIKE A TOP
WITNESSES SAY ROBERTS BEGAN YELLING "WOO, WOO, WOO, WOO, NYUK, NYUK, NYUK"HUPPER ISLAND, Maine - Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a benign idiopathic seizure at his vacation home in Maine today, causing him to slip and fall on a dock. He immediately began spinning around like a top, shouting, "Woo, woo, woo, woo, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."
Roberts had a similar episode in 1993, at which time he repeatedly shouted, "Moe, Larry, cheese!"
The National Organization for Women issued a statement applauding the seizure and noting that "NOW would assert that this latest health episode is a sign from God in protest of Roberts' anti-woman positions on the [Supreme] Court, except that NOW doesn't believe in God."
Roberts' wife, Jane, asked the press to publicly solicit for "a qualified personal injury lawyer, preferably Jewish," to bring suit on Roberts' behalf against the owner of the dock.
CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER FALL, DOCTORS ASK IF HE'S ON DRUGS OR HAS RECENTLY BEEN ON SPACE MISSION
HIGH COURT DIVIDED 5-4 AS TO CAUSE, EXTENT OF INJURIES
BUSH CAMPAIGNS TO KEEP IRAN FROM BUILDING ATOMIC FIREBALL CANDY FACTORY, VOWS TO PREVENT PROLIFERATION OF CANDIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION
WASHINGTON - President Bush announced today that he is lobbying the United Nations to put the kibosh on Iran's efforts to woo the Ferrara Pan Candy Company to build a plant in Tehran for the production of the popular spicy Atomic FireBall candy."For many years, Iran has been bent on acquiring the know-how to enrich uranium and produce nu-kyi-ler candy," the President said. "This we will not allow."
Bradleys Roadhouse, President of the Ferrara Pan Candy Company, said that not only does his company have no intention of building a plant in Iran, but the process for making Atomic FireBalls "has nothing whatsoever" in common with the technology to enrich uranium.
"On the other hand," Roadhouse confided without elaboration, "if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ever got the idea to build a Lemonheads factory, I'd say the free world would have something to be very concerned about."
YOKO ONO BLAMED FOR BREAKING UP THE FAB TWO
PITTSBURGH - Yoko Ono, artist, singer and widow of John Lennon, is being accused by some political insiders of breaking up the Luke Ravenstahl-Dan Onorato team. Ms. Ono purportedly has allied herself with Onorato and driven a wedge between the two politicians over merging Pittsburgh into Allegheny County. Ravenstahl has done little to dispel the accusations. The mayor invited himself on David Letterman's Friday night show and told Letterman that "yes, there's been a fair amount of friction that she [Yoko Ono] is responsible for." Letterman pressed Ravenstahl for specifics, and the mayor explained: "I can't think of anything specific, but the mere fact that a person like that is around is enough to cause friction, divisiveness, don't you think?"
Onorato refused to comment on the allegations, noting only that "Ms. Ono and I are friends, and she is a valuable source of political insight." When Ms. Ono was asked about the allegations, she shrieked the word "why" at the top of her lungs for five minutes.
Some insiders say Ms. Ono had nothing to do with the breakup, arguing it was caused by the fact that Onorato and Ravenstahl are moving in different directions politically and musically.
Ms. Ono has also been linked to the breakup of the Beatles, China's Gang of Four, and the Three Stooges.
CITY OF PITTSBURGH TO MERGE WITH MINIATURE RAILROAD AND VILLAGE
Pittsburgh cedes control to Village, one-inch tall plastic councilpersons to call the shots; Ravenstahl lauds new slogan "Think Small"
NHL SCRAMBLES TO FIND A SCANDAL TO KEEP UP WITH OTHER MAJOR SPORTS
Commissioner Bettman calls on teams to produce some controversy as bad as or worse than the NFL’s dog-fighting, the MLB’s doping, or the NBA’s point shaving, "and they better do it quick, too!"
BUSH, PENTAGON TESTING NEW CYBORG SOLDIERS
Their advantage, according to the President, is durability:"The human ones die too easily."
NASA SUSPENDING IN-FLIGHT DRINK SERVICE
Cocktail waitresses will now only serve non-alcoholic beverages until shuttle has reached orbit
LOCAL PRIEST IN TROUBLE FOR INSULTING PENITENTS IN CONFESSION
DEFIANT FATHER JULIUS MARX SAYS "HORSEFEATHERS!"
KIYA TOMLIN REVEALS HOW STEELERS' HEAD COACH WON HER HEART
"On our first date, he brought a notebook full of detailed plans for the first year of our relationship. It sort of freaked me out, but on page 53 he had sketched out some really nice diamond rings, so I figured I'd give him a chance."
O'CONNOR STREET IN HOMEWOOD TO BE RENAMED IN HONOR OF LATE MAYOR BOB O'CONNOR
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has ordered that O'Connor Street in Homewood be renamed in honor of late Mayor Bob O'Connor as a lasting tribute to his service to the city. The new name of the street will be "O'Connor Street." Ravenstahl said the new name won't go into effect until the new street signs arrive in about two weeks.Some residents and business owners on O'Connor Street are not happy about the change. "This has been O'Connor Street since the 1800s," said Bradleys Roadhouse, owner of Bradleys Roadhouse Bar and Grill. "This is only going to confuse my customers."
Longtime resident Noah Swayne also opposes the change but said he has no doubt it will be short-lived. "It'll be just like when they tried to rename 'Cape Canaveral' in honor of President Kennedy. It'll never take." Swayne's wife, Mindi Swayne, said that she simply refuses to acknowledge the change. "To me, this will always be O'Connor Street. Period."
SERGEANT PEPPER KILLED BY SNIPER IN FALLUJAH; BELOVED PLATOON LEADER GOT BY, TRIED, DIED WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS
FALLUJAH - Sergeant Pepper, the erstwhile leader of a lonely hearts club band who joined the army to combat militant Islam with the power of love, died by a snipers’ bullet in Fallujah yesterday while leading his men on patrol.
Private Joe Dunn, one of the men under Sergeant Pepper’s command, was crestfallen. “Sarge used to tell us that all you need is love,” said Dunn. “In hindsight, I guess you need a helmet and a Kevlar vest, too.”
In a tragic irony, Pepper was killed on the anniversary of his induction into the military after two decades of service. “It was twenty years ago today,” sobbed one unidentified soldier, who helped lift Pepper’s body on to a stretcher for transport to a field morgue. The soldier paused to reflect on the life of his fallen leader. “He was always teasing us, asking us if we were still going to need him, if we were still going to feed him, when he turned sixty-four. I guess we’ll never know,” he said, before breaking down in tears.
Critics have long debated the importance of Sergeant Pepper. Some called him pretentious, and overwrought, while still others found him irrepressibly charming. “I never got tired of listening to Sergeant Pepper,” said Private Dunn. “Except when he started with that Indian stuff.”
PepsiCo BOWS TO PRESSURE, CHANGES AQUAFINA LABEL TO SHOW DRINK COMES FROM TAP WATER
SOFT DRINK BEHEMOTH ADMITS MOUNTAIN LOGO PERPETUATED MISCONCEPTION THAT WATER COMES FROM "SPRING SOURCES"
DOCTORS REPLACE CHENEY'S HEART BATTERY, DISCOVER HE'S A ROBOT
WASHINGTON - Doctors at George Washington University Hospital discovered today that Vice President Dick Cheney is a robot.
Cheney underwent minor surgery Saturday morning to replace the battery that powers a device that makes it appear he has a heart. When physicians opened up the Vice President's chest, an audible gasp was heard in the operating room and none of the personnel present said anything for more than a minute. Then a physician whispered, "Let's get this over with as quickly as possible."
Cheney, who was awake throughout the procedure, opened his eyes and winked at the physicians. In a calm speaking voice he warned them not to reveal what they had learned.
"Gentlemen, the last person who threatened to tell was named Harry Whittington. I promptly shot him in the face." Whittington was the Texas lawyer Cheney shot on a quail hunting trip in February 2006. "He knows that if he ever says a word, he's a dead man. And that goes for you, too."
GOOD HUMOR CEASES OPERATIONS IN BAGHDAD; ROADSIDE BOMBS BRING END TO ROADSIDE ICE CREAM
GREEN BAY - Citing rising casualties and declining sales, Good Humor Enterprises will no longer operate its trucks on the streets of Baghdad. Good Humor CEO David Corbett made the announcement yesterday at the company’s headquarters. “This is a sad day for Good Humor, as well as the people of Iraq,” said Corbett. “In fact, it’s a sad day for ice-cream loving peoples all over the world. Our signature bells have tolled for the last time along the banks of the Tigris.”
Nearly two hundred vendors have been killed or wounded while attempting to sell frozen confections on the thoroughfares of that war-torn city since the fall of Saddam Hussein’s government. The latest casualty occurred this past Monday. Michael Loftus, of Lisle, Illinois , a thirty year employee and lifetime consumer of Good Humor products, was killed when he refused to surrender his Eskimo pies to a hungry mob of Sunni insurgents.
The Defense Department awarded Good Humor a fifty-billion dollar contract to become the exclusive ice-cream provider of Operation Iraqi Freedom shortly after the American invasion began. “We tried everything to make this work,” said Corbett. “We changed the music in the trucks from ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’ to Olivia Newton John’s ‘Have You Never Been Mellow.’ We had our research and development department develop a tasty Moqtada al-Sadr Bar, which we sold as a Shiite on a Stick. It didn’t matter.”
Despite the tragic loss of life, Corbett is resolute. “Our cause remains a noble one. And our products remain delicious.”
OSCAR, THE CAT WHO PREDICTS PATIENTS' DEATH BY CURLING UP NEXT TO THEM, CURLS UP NEXT TO TV BROADCASTING KATIE COURIC NEWS
PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Oscar the cat has exhibited an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients at the Steere House Nursing Center are going to die by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.
Last night, Oscar curled up next to the TV when the Katie Couric CBS newscast was broadcast. A CBS News official speaking on condition of anonymity said the network is "preparing for the worst," and has notified friends and relatives of the news broadcast. "Oscar seems to know when a show is on its last legs," the source said. "He curled up next to the set the night Dan Rather aired that false report about Bush. And the funniest thing, he was with his owner on vacation at that comedy club the night Michael Richards had his meltdown."
When Ms. Couric learned of Oscar's apparent prediction, she blurted an expletive and stormed out of the room.
EPIDEMIC OF DRUNKEN ASTRONAUTS STRIKES NASA
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - America's space agency was shaken Thursday by claims that some astronauts were drunk before space launches. Flight Engineer Otis Campbell was escorted from the launch pad and placed in an unlocked cell prior to several missions. Witnesses say that once Campbell felt he had sobered up enough for spaceflight, he exited the cell on his own and rejoined the crew.Andy Taylor, head of security for the Kennedy Space Center was reluctant to elaborate,"Awww, don't get your petticoats in a knot, we know how to handle Otis 'round here."
MAYOR ENDS HOLDOUT, SAYS HE'S READY TO REPORT TO TRAINING CAMP
Steelers officials say Ravenstahl not invited to attend; UPMC officials say they'll be happy to pay for his try-out
SIX-YEAR-OLD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY PICTURES APPEAR IN WHIRL MAGAZINE
EDITORS RUN OUT OF "SOCIETY" PICTURES, NOW TURNING TO SHOTS OF THEIR OWN FAMILY OUTINGS
ALL ROADS IN ALLEGHENY COUNTY TO CLOSE THIS WEEKEND
PennDOT recommends you stay home, not even try to leave your house
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