RENDELL UNDERMINES NEWLY-FORMED STATE COMMITTEE ON TRANS FATS
Governor grills his lunch right outside committee's meeting room; three members resign, go get hot dogs
Taliban booth wins ‘best hot wings’ award at DiverseCity Festival
PITTSBURGH -- Event planners admit they took a chance inviting the Taliban to take part in the city’s DiverseCity Festival over the weekend but felt vindicated when the Islamic Fundamentalists captured top honors for the best hot wings.“We really didn’t know what to expect,” said DiverseCity Chairman Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, “You read all these negative things about the Taliban in the newspaper, and it kind of frightens you. But, they couldn’t have been any nicer, or better cooks.”
The aim of the four-day DiverseCity Symposium and Festival was to push the Pittsburgh into being more inclusive of other cultures, and it appears that goal was exceeded.
In the spirit of the event, organizers located the Taliban booth next to the Israeli booth. At first, the Israelis were skeptical.
“What, I should have these murderers next to my booth?” explained Shalom Sinai of Televiv, “But then, they cooked me some kosher hot wings. Yoi! They were good. Mazel tov, I say!”
Sinai almost caused an international incident when he asked the Taliban for their recipe. The Islamofascists deftly diffused the situation, telling him it was "an ancient Chinese secret."
STEELY'S LURID PAST HAS STEELER NATION CONCERNED
PITTSBURGH - Recently discovered photographs and videos from the late 1970s and early 1980s suggesting that Steeler mascot Steely McBeam has appeared in porno films are fueling controversy in the Steeler Nation.
First, reports surfaced last Friday in the blogosphere that McBeam was a member of the Village People in the late '70's. McBeam brushed off the allegations, claiming it was actually his brother, Steeley Dan, who was a member.
Over the weekend, more serious allegations emerged that McBeam appeared in a porno flick in the early 1980s called simply "Steely McBeam." The title and the resemblance of the main character to McBeam are raising some eyebrows, and other appendages, among Steeler fans. Steeler officials are considering asking McBeam "for a nether-regions comparison" to rule out his involvement.
The mayor's office has promised to "get our arms around this issue and conduct an in-depth probe" of the so-called Steelygate scandal, or as some are calling it, the SteelyGay-t scandal.
For our complete Steely McBeam coverage, click here
STEELERS SWITCH MASCOTS, FANS ECSTATIC
In a surprise about-face, the Steelers today mothballed Steely McBeam and introduced his replacement, Busty McBeam. By all accounts, Steeler Nation is welcoming the change with open arms.
"Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout." Said Glen Grusinski of Natrona. "A mascot we can all get down with . . . if you get my meaning!"
NEWS BRIEFS
RAVENSTAHL TELLS ONORATO 'MERGE THIS'
Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl denied any rift with Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato over whether the city and the county should merge resources. Analysts say that although Ravenstahl initially paid lip service to merger shortly after becoming mayor in 2006, he has backed away from supporting it because it could lead to the elimination of his job if Pittsburgh's government is folded into Allegheny County's. At a joint public appearance yesterday, an obviously miffed Ravenstahl was heard telling Onorato he is "all in favor" of merging city and County resources. "How about we start by letting me [merge with] your sister?" the mayor asked.
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STEVEN SEAGAL SAYS FBI PROBE, NOT NON-EXISTENT TALENT, RUINED CAREER
Martial arts grade B movie star Steven Seagal told a reporter that an FBI investigation into his alleged ties with organized crime has scared off movie moguls from hiring him and ruined his career. Seagal said he wouldn't speculate if movie moguls were also scared off by his inability to act, the fact that he has gained in excess of 100 pounds, or his non-existent box office appeal.
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HORROR KING STEPHEN KING MISTAKEN FOR WRITER IN AUSSIE OUTBACK
Best selling author Stephen King was mistaken for a writer at an outback bookstore, local media reported today. A customer at the store saw King perusing Pet Sematary, one King's books, and said to his wife, "I think the writer of that book is looking at." When King left the bookshop, the man picked up the book and started to read it but put it down disgustedly. "I'm sure that was the author, but he's no writer," the man told his wife.
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PRESIDENT BUSH ADMITS MAKING SHORT SHRIFT OF CRITICS' CONCERNS OVER IRAQ WAR, VOWS TO MAKE LENGTHY SHRIFT OF THEM FROM NOW ON
Bush also says he prides himself on being a "stickler for generalities"
AXIS OF EVIL DEMANDS MORE EXPOSURE FOR SPONSORING TERRORISM
INSISTS ON BETTER PRODUCT PLACEMENT, PUBLICITY, CROSS-OVER APPEARANCES BETWEEN TERRORIST GROUPSTEHRAN - The Axis of Evil is putting heavy pressure on terrorist groups around the globe to showcase Axis of Evil merchandise and Axis of Evil personnel if they wish to continue receiving Axis of Evil sponsorship.
That includes having terrorists wear Axis of Evil baseball caps, or clothes bearing the Axis of Evil insignia in clearly visible places during the commission of terrorist acts to ensure maximum exposure to the general public. It also means traveling to and from all terrorist activities in Axis of Evil mini-vans.
Axis of Evil recording secretary Ahem Ahmen Ahmen announced the new policy when he spoke to reporters last night following the conclusion of the Axis of Evil’s Board of Directors meeting. “In the past, we have been satisfied with a simple voice-over proclamation prior to a terrorist act,” said Ahmen. “It was sufficient to inform those about to be blown to bits that ‘this suicide bombing is brought to you by The Axis of Evil, proud sponsors of global terrorism,’ but our research indicates that isn’t doing the trick anymore.”
Ahmen points to a precipitous decrease in sales of officially licensed Axis of Evil terrorist gear, and a startling lack of name recognition within the demographically desirable fifteen-to-twenty-five set. He was optimistic the Board of Directors new mandates would revive the once-proud organization. “The Axis of Evil is the gold standard for global unrest. We are not going to let this franchise slip into irrelevance.”
STEELER REPORT
*ROONEY STATUE SPEAKS TO TOMLIN: CHIEF'S LIKENESS TELLS NEW COACH 'IT'S OK THAT YOU'RE BLACK, AND DON'T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT"
*TOMLIN WANTS STEELERS DEFENSE TO BE "CHAIN AWARE" ON THIRD DOWN (Also would like them to be "pass rush aware")
*DANIEL SEPULVEDA EMERGES AS FRONT RUNNER FOR STEELERS MVP AWARD.
President's mood upbeat after watching High School Musical 2
Aides report he would like to have a DVD of the movie sent to all soldiers serving in Iraq'
DEMS SQUARE OFF IN DEBATE
Democratic presidential candidates squared off for a televised debate on Sunday. Right to left: New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, Delaware Sen. Joe Biden, Illinois Sen. Barak Obama and Magical House Elf Dennis Kucinich.
CHARITY LOSES MONEY ON 'GRILLING WITH THE GUV' EVENT
"He ate all the profits," Boys and Girls Club executive complains
MAN IMPERSONATING VICE-PRESIDENT PULLS OVER WOMAN ON PARKWAY
PITTSBURGH - A man claiming to be Vice-President Dick Cheney pulled a woman over just off the Perrysville Exit on Interstate 279 yesterday and asked her to join him for an evening of "intense discussions on the future of Iraq and intercourse."Mary O'Neill, 34, was heading towards Cranberry in the right lane when a black sedan pulled into the passing lane beside her with a portable flashing light atop it. "At that point, the driver began beeping his horn repeatedly and motioned for me to wind down my window," said Ms. O'Neill. "Then I saw him put what appeared to be a bullhorn to his mouth and he said, 'This is theVice-President of the United States of America. Please pull off to the side of the road.' Well, naturally, when the Vice-President asks you to do that, you do."
Ms. O'Neill put her car in park, and the driver of the sedan approached her. "I've been following you all night," he said. "Please don't cut and run. In the interest of national security, I'd like you to join me at an undisclosed location. I have a weapon of mass destruction in my trousers. Hans Blix couldn't find it; the French couldn't find it. Only you can find it. And when you do, I will fill you with shock and awe. Best of all, I will set no timetable for withdrawal."
The man then offered Ms. O'Neill a no-bid contract on love.
Ms. O'Neill said she became skeptical of the man's claim to be the Vice-President when it dawned on her that a high-ranking government official probably would not be driving his own car, so she sped away to the Ross Police Department.
The suspect is a black male in his mid-twenties, medium build, with two gold teeth. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Ross Police.
SCENES FROM THE UPCOMING BUSH WEDDING
KARL ROVE: He's not on the list but Donald Rumsfeld wants to see you.BUSH: Is this necessary?
KARL ROVE: He didn't expect to be invited to the wedding, so he wanted to thank you.
BUSH: All right.
RUMSFELD: (Talking to himself) Don Bush, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child.
COLUMBA BUSH: Jeb, that man over there is talking to himself. You see that scary guy over there?
JEB BUSH: He's a very scary guy.
COLUMBA BUSH: Well, who is he? What's his name?
JEB BUSH: His name is Donald Rumsfeld, and he helps my brother out sometimes. Like the time my brother went to see this Prime Minister of Great Britain, Tony Blair, and he offered him $10,000 to get Britain to join in the Iraq war. But the Prime Minister said "no." So the next day, my brother went to see this Prime Minister, only with Donald Rumsfeld. Within an hour, he signed a contract to join my brother's coalition of the willing for a certified check for $1,000.
COLUMBA BUSH: Why did he do that?
JEB BUSH: My brother made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
COLUMBA BUSH: What was that?
JEB BUSH: Donald Rumsfeld held a gun to his head and my brother assured him that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract. That's a true story. That's my family, Columba, not me.
RUPERT MURDOCH CLINCHES DEAL TO BUY THE PENNYSAVER; MEDIA ANALYSTS SAY TYCOON WILL NOW SET SIGHTS ON THE GREEN SHEET
NEW YORK -Rupert Murdoch, the audacious and often controversial head of News Corp, an international media and entertainment empire, has realized his long-time dream to purchase The Pennysaver. The news comes only weeks after Murdoch completed a deal to purchase The Wall Street Journal.In the mid-seventies, on a visit to Western Pennsylvania, Murdoch happened to pick up a copy, and after reading it cover to cover, bought a washer and dryer for his Park Avenue penthouse. He was hooked, but his desire to affix his name above the masthead remained unfulfilled, until yesterday. A spokesman for News Corp issued a statement this morning claiming the Bancroft family, which controls thirty-seven per cent of Dow Jones, Inc., the owner of The Pennysaver, accepted Murdoch’s unsolicited five billion dollar offer last night.
In acquiring The Pennysaver, Murdoch obtains one of the crown jewels of American weekly consumer publications. The Pennysaver is considered required reading for the nation’s business and power elite, as well as those people looking to sell old pianos, unload firewood, or collect coupons offered by a variety of competing pizza emporiums. News of Murdoch’s triumph was greeted with suspicion by many. In an attempt to assuage the fears of Pennysaver employees and readers alike, J. Danforth Bancroft, patriarch of the family, told reporters “it is our fervent hope that in the years to come, The Pennysaver will continue to enjoy, and deserve, the universal admiration and respect in which it is held by sensible shoppers and value-conscious people all over the world.”
MALE POLICE OFFICER EXCITED ABOUT BEING CHOSEN TO WORK STEELERS HOTEL HALLWAY DETAIL
TRISTAN TROJAN OF FRIENDSHIP SAYS HE DOESN'T THINK IT'S RIGHT THAT FEMALES ARE FORBIDDEN TO WORK SECONDARY DUTY ON PLAYERS' FLOOR AT HILTON: 'BUT HER LOSS IS MY BIG, HUGE, ENORMOUS GAIN'
30 YEARS AFTER ELVIS, SCIENTISTS DETERMINE WHAT HE'D LOOK LIKE TODAY
Scientists have also determined that if Elvis did look like this, he would kill himself.
TEACHER-ASTRONAUT BARBARA MORGAN ADDRESSES SHUTTLE CREW
“Whichever one of you damaged the heat tiles better step forward now. No one is leaving this shuttle until I know who did it! I won’t get mad, but I want someone to take responsibility.”
RENDELL, ONORATO TO STAR IN NEW ABC CRIME DRAMA
Filming of "PGPD Blue" has already begun; Mayor Ravenstahl, PG TV Critic Rob Owen already banned from the set
STARBUCKS UNDER FIRE FOR OUTSOURCING LABOR FOR NEW CHOCOLATE VENTURE TO OOMPA-LOOMPAS
SEATTLE-BASED COMPANY CLAIMS USING WORKERS FROM POVERTY-STRICKEN LOOMPALAND WAS ONLY WAY TO KEEP 'LOW OVERHEAD' ON PRODUCTION OF ITS NEW 'DRINKING CHOCOLATE' NUGGETS
REDSKINS' JOE GIBBS THINKS STEELERS' POOR PASS RUSH WILL IMPROVE
"They should start getting some sacks Saturday night, because our offensive line stinks," Hall of Fame coach says
ROUNDUP OF LOUSY, NO GOOD POLITICOS FINDS EARLY SUCCESS
With the capture of Governor Rendell, posse leaders fear they didn’t make holding pen large enough.
MARY DYTKO RESIGNS AS PRESIDENT OF BRENTWOOD BOROUGH COUNCIL, RETURNS MUNICIPALITY’S CREDIT CARDS
“I am giving up politics until I get out of jail.” – Ms. Dytko
FBI STING NABS DIPLOMA MILL "WIZARD" AWARDING FAKE DEGREE TO BALE OF HAY
SCAM ARTIST CAPTURED TRYING TO ESCAPE IN BALLOON WITH TEENAGE GIRL KANSAS, E Pluribus Unum - The FBI today arrested the kingpin of an elaborate, international diploma mill scam, Frank Morgan, a/k/a "Professor Marvel," a/k/a "The Wizard," whose fake diploma operation was so big it may have grossed over $1 billion last year. Morgan was caught by undercover cameras issuing a fake diploma from the mythical "University of Oz" to an FBI-rigged scarecrow.
"This guy Morgan is slick," said FBI agent Emil Tanaka. "But he slipped up because the scarecrow we sent undercover expressly told him that it didn't even have a brain, yet Morgan gave him a diploma anyway."
But Morgan quickly figured out that he was being monitored so he hopped a balloon with his underage girlfriend, known only as Dorothy. "To no avail, I might add," said Agent Tanaka, "because he didn't know how to fly it."
PennDOT: "IF A BRIDGE IS OPEN, IT IS SAFE FOR TRAVEL"
Officials stress this policy is the exact opposite of Minnesota's old "It is safe for travel if a bridge is open" policy.
STEELER NATION GIVEN PERMANENT SEAT ON U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL; SECURITY COUNCIL REJECTS STEELER NATION'S CALL FOR NUCLEAR STRIKE AGAINST CLEVELAND
NEW YORK - The United Nations General Assembly voted to give Steeler Nation a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council yesterday, but rejected the call by Steeler Nation to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against Cleveland before the Browns September 9, 2007, home opener against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon made the announcement following the U.N.’s morning meeting. “The scope, size, and strategic importance of Steeler Nation make it imperative that it receives full membership status on the Security Council.” Ki-Moon said he relayed the news to Steeler Nation ambassador Steely McBeam via secure video conference, and that he expected McBeam to play a vital role in helping to shape global security. “Ambassador McBeam was delighted,” said Ki-Moon. “He repeatedly thrust his arms over his head and leaped up and down.”
McBeam’s expressions of glee diminished, however, when the Secretary General told him the Security Council was not the place to seek retribution against rival NFL franchises. “He said his first order of business was to introduce a resolution authorizing the use of tactical nuclear weapons against Cleveland. And then he wanted to know how to use U.N. troops to capture and execute Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. I told him we didn’t do those sorts of things,” said Ki-Moon. “After he heard that, he buried his head in a yellow towel and began to weep.”
ROETHLISBERGER TELLS INTERVIEWER “WE’RE MORE POPULAR THAN JESUS NOW”; QUARTERBACK CITES ATTENDANCE FIGURES, REVENUES, TELEVISION RATINGS AS EVIDENCE
PITTSBURGH - Remarks made by Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to a popular Pittsburgh anchorwoman have created a firestorm of controversy and may bring an end to the phenomenon known as BigBenMania. In an interview published in the Latrobe Evening Standard, Roethlisberger told WTAE newscaster Sally Wiggin that the Steelers were more popular than Jesus.
“Christianity will go,” he said. “It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that. I’m right and I will be proved right. I don’t know which will go first, football or Christianity. Jesus was all right, but he couldn’t play in the league today. And his disciples were thick and ordinary. They would never be able to grasp [Steelers offensive coordinator Bruce] Arian’s new offense, with the multiple sets and different formations.”
Within hours after publication, Roethlisberger’s agent, Brian Epstein, issued a statement claiming his client’s quote was “misrepresented and taken completely out of context.” Across the nation, reaction to Roethlisberger’s comments was overwhelmingly negative. Huge bonfires were set throughout the Southeast region of the country, as sports talk radio hosts encouraged outraged fans to burn their officially licensed Roethlisberger merchandise. In New York , NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters he deplored Big Ben’s “intemperate, ill-chosen words.” The Commissioner blamed Roethlisberger’s new girlfriend, a beret-wearing, chain-smoking Japanese performance artist, for encouraging this kind of behavior. “Believe me,” said Goodell, “The sooner he gets rid of her, the better off he’ll be.”
DAN ONORATO CALLS IN PA GOVERNOR ED RENDELL TO ASSIST IN 'BEEFING UP' PITTSBURGH BORDER PATROL IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUTH EMIGRATION SURGE
ONORATO FEARS MORE YOUNG PEOPLE THAN EVER WILL ATTEMPT TO FLEE AS RESULT OF NAMING OF NEW STEELERS MASCOT, 'STEELY MCBEAM'
ALL PACIFIC HURRICANES TO BE NAMED AFTER STRIPPERS THIS YEAR
After Flossie, hurricanes will be called Tiffany, Amber, Skye, Busty, Cherry, Raven and Candy.
National Hurricane Center mascot, the Grim Reaper
NATIONAL ITALIAN AMERICAN FOUNDATION OBJECTS TO THE WAY ITALIAN AMERICANS ARE PORTRAYED ON COOKING SHOWS
NEW YORK - Seeking to draw attention to the defamation of Italian Americans on TV, National Italian American Foundation President Salvatore Zizza called a press conference to put the media on alert.“We, as proud Italian Americans, are no longer going to sit by while cooking shows continue to portray us as overweight, gluttonous fools who are obsessed with food!” Zizza said. “Channels like the Food Network simply perpetuate the stereotype of Italian Americans as cheese-grating, olive-oil using, meatball-rolling rubes.”
Zizza also complained that Italian Americans seem to be the only ethnic group cast as chefs on these shows. “When’s the last time you saw a Jewish chef or a Black chef portrayed this way? It would never happen! But it’s become acceptable to do this to Italian Americans.”
Zizza said that these cooking shows never show Italian Americans as simply fathers, sons, accountants, writers, doctors or lawyers.
“Without exception, we’re always chefs,” Zizza lamented. “The media just wants the public to think we all walk around with oregano and garlic in our pockets! We’ve made great contributions to this country. Just because a small minority have in the past become involved in organized cooking doesn’t mean we’re all that way.”
Zizza also had harsh words for those who agree to appear on cooking shows. “When will these Italian-Americans realize that they’re exploiting their own community for personal gain? Why must they portray us as wine-thirsty, and ruthless in our search for the right ingredients? Don’t they realize the impact this has? First, it scares people to think that every Italian American is a potential chef and could cook at any time. Second, these shows continually glorify Veal Parmesan.”
Zizza is calling for an immediate boycott of the Food Network. “When you see these cooking shows come on, just turn off the TV and take your family to the movies instead,” he suggested.
HISTORIANS DISCOVER ONLY SURVIVING PRINT OF LEGENDARY NAZI PROPAGANDA FILM, “LOU GOERING, PRIDE OF THE LUFTWAFFE”
“TODAY, AFTER STRAFING A CONVOY OF REFUGEES, AND BOMBING A COUPLE OF ORPHANAGES, I CONSIDER MYSELF THE LUCKIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH”
RAVENSTAHL HOPES TO COUNTER PERCEPTION THAT HE'S TOO YOUNG, TOO SHALLOW TO BE MAYOR
"These glasses make me look a lot smarter!"
STARTLING PHOTO RELEASED OF BUSH TERMINATING ROVE
WASHINGTON -- Moments after announcing his resignation from the White House staff, long-time Bush advisor Carl Rove was fatally stabbed by the president as he left the briefing. The president expressed concerns that Rove might be called to testify in several of the ongoing probes of his administration and said the stabbing "clearly falls within the limits of executive privilege." As he lay dying, Rove agreed with the president's rationale.
JUDGE PECKHAM SPEARHEADS LAWSUIT TO END DISCRIMINATORY POLICY OF KEEPING BLACKS FROM JOINING KKK
PECKHAM HAILED AS THE BRANCH RICKEY OF THE KKK
KAZAKHSTAN COMPANY BUYS STAKE IN WESTINGHOUSE
Company's new Cranberry headquarters will now be named "Borat Plaza"
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