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MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
On behalf of the 2,500 employees of The Carbolic Smoke Ball, we wish you a Merry Christmas. If you do not celebrate this holiday, kindly go about your normal business.The Honorable Rufus Peckham
SANTA’S MISTRESS TELLS ALL IN NEW BOOK: 'MY NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS'
HAMMERFEST, Norway – Puffing away on unfiltered cigarettes and speaking through an interpreter, Gunnhild Lugosi-Swayne described her 150-year affair with Santa Claus for the first time in public.
“At first, he was a little off-putting, being so fat and all,” she explained, “But, seeing him out of that red suit -- let’s just say the stockings weren’t the only things well-hung by the chimney with care.”
Lugosi-Swayne’s remote cabin, fifteen miles north of the Hammerfest, the world’s northern most town, has become Santa’s traditional “last stop” on Christmas Eve.
“Every year, I look forward to him taking out his sack and showing me his package,” Lugosi-Swayne said with her eyes all a glow, “After our gift exchange, we snack on the milk and cookies that he picks up along his route."
“At first, he was a little off-putting, being so fat and all,” she explained, “But, seeing him out of that red suit -- let’s just say the stockings weren’t the only things well-hung by the chimney with care.”
Lugosi-Swayne’s remote cabin, fifteen miles north of the Hammerfest, the world’s northern most town, has become Santa’s traditional “last stop” on Christmas Eve.
“Every year, I look forward to him taking out his sack and showing me his package,” Lugosi-Swayne said with her eyes all a glow, “After our gift exchange, we snack on the milk and cookies that he picks up along his route."
Asked if she is concerned about Mrs. Claus learning about the affair, Lugosi-Swayne chuckled, “I suppose you think all she does is bake cookies. Thousands of elves to take care of, one women -- you do the math.”
POLICE ON LOOKOUT FOR HOLIDAY CHILD PREDATOR
PITTSBURGH - Police are on the lookout for a holiday predator wearing an old silk hat who lures children to follow him down to the village by dancing around through the streets of town. He is described as a very white male with a corncob pipe, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. Authorities warn that the predator is armed with a broomstick in his hand. He was last seen running here and there and all around the square, saying "catch me if you can." Police lost his trail when he seemingly melted away while taunting his pursuers that he'll be back again one day.
Police are asking for any information regarding suspicious persons matching the predator's description.
SANTA CLAUS SERIOUSLY INJURED IN ELECTRIC RAZOR ACCIDENT, POLICE SAY MOBILE NORELCO WAS TRAVELING TOO FAST FOR CONDITIONS
NORTH POLE - Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree. Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found, unconscious, in a snow bank. Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor. Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition. Sources within the Claus organization said Mr. Claus loved the thrill of gliding his custom-made mobile Norelco over snow and ice-covered hills. "Santa was in love with speed," said one elf, who wished to remain anonymous. "He loved to roar down the mountain and watch the animals scatter," he said. "I can't tell you how many times he came home with deer impaled on one of the razor's three smooth acting blades."
Despite his close shave with death, Santa is expected to make a full recovery by Christmas.
SANTA TO DECIDE BY END OF CHRISTMAS SEASON IF HE’S COMING BACK NEXT YEAR
RETIREMENT HOME IN NORTH CAROLINA, PROFESSIONAL BURN-OUT LIKELY REASONS HE’D CALL IT QUITS
WORLD-CLASS CELLIST FORCED TO PERFORM “FROSTY THE SNOWMAN” FOR FOOD COURT CROWD
PITTSBURGH - Although he’s trained for years with some of the world’s great orchestras, cellist Michael Oldaker was compelled to performed today for the Fifth Avenue Place food court as part of the Pittsburgh Symphony’s community outreach program.
“I’m so humiliated,” said Oldaker. “I’ve spent years practicing the works of Bach, Mozart and Brahms. And here I am. Right next to Hot Diggity Dog playing ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ on my cello! I’ve had it! This isn’t a parlor trick I’m doing here!” Oldaker did concede, however, that this performance wasn’t as bad as last year when he had to play “Rock and Roll, Part 2” outside of Mellon Arena before a Penguins game.
"I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day - and one of them collided with the submarine at the Science Center -"
". . . causing it to sink, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day, leaving fourteen people dead, and closing the submarine for three months . . . ."
LOCAL MAN SAYS WINTER SOLSTICE ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE
PITTSBURGH - Carlo Sambonia is livid that the first day of winter tomorrow is predicted to feel more like October, with high temperatures in the 50's. The popular 33-year old outdoorsman and bon vivant is spearheading a petition drive to express his "extreme and palpable displeasure that the winter solstice isn't what it used to be." His goal is to obtain 40,000 signatures. Sambonia is especially concerned that the younger generation is not properly educated about what winter used to be. "I tell every young person I come across, 'You should have seen the winter solstice in the old days!'" Sambonia explained. "Back then, winter came roaring in like thunder, and it would hit us kids like a wall of frigid bliss. Snow every day, sled riding every day, skating every day. Winter meant something back then!"
Sambonia said it is his wish that high temperatures in early winter be in the low '30's.
PHARMACEUTICALS BUYING UP AD SPACE ON PATIENTS' GENITALS
NEW YORK - The world-wide publicity generated by a photo of a patient's tattooed genitalia snapped by a surgeon during an operation has prompted drug giant Pfizer to realize it is missing out on a valuable medium to advertise to doctors."After years of spending millions of dollars on ads in medical journals and 60-second TV spots, we've concluded we get zero bang for our buck," said Bradleys Roadhouse, spokesman for Pfizer. "To get the doctors' attention, we need to get our name on penises."
Pfizer joins GlaxoSmithKline, Hoffman-LaRoche and Wyeth in doing direct-to-physician penis advertising.
Pfizer had been hesitant about jumping on the penis bandwagon but was pushed over the edge by the buzz created when the Mayo Clinic's Dr. Adam Hansen admitted taking a photo of a patient's penis with a tattoo that reads "Hot Rod" and showing it around to other doctors. The incident created an international sensation.
Pfizer would not reveal what it plans to pay the men who advertise for it but noted that "obviously the more media space we buy, the greater the value to us. In other words, sorry, guys, size matters."
Pfizer had been hesitant about jumping on the penis bandwagon but was pushed over the edge by the buzz created when the Mayo Clinic's Dr. Adam Hansen admitted taking a photo of a patient's penis with a tattoo that reads "Hot Rod" and showing it around to other doctors. The incident created an international sensation.
Pfizer would not reveal what it plans to pay the men who advertise for it but noted that "obviously the more media space we buy, the greater the value to us. In other words, sorry, guys, size matters."
SPOOF: CHARITY GIVES HOUSE TO WOUNDED SOLDER AND FAMILY, FAMILY FRAUDULENTLY ACCUSES HIM OF 'DOMESTIC ABUSE' AND HAS HIM EVICTED
For those persons who may have misinterpreted the following story as “real news,” it is a spoof, not real news. The subject of the real news story was not "evicted" from his home, no one made up claims about him. Carbolic Smoke Ball applauds him and and his family for their sacrifice.
Early yesterday, Darlene Dufar wiped tears from her eyes after her family, including Army medic Cpl. Karl Dufar and daughters Carla, 9, and Martha, 19, was presented with a new home in West Mifflin. The Hope Lives Foundation selected the Dufars to receive the refurbished, refinished home because of Cpl. Dufar's service in Iraq, where he suffered back injuries.
Three hours later, mother and daughters fraudulently alleged that Cpl. Dufar domestically abused them so they could have the house for themselves, and police escorted him from the premises to the Allegheny County Jail.
Early yesterday, Darlene Dufar wiped tears from her eyes after her family, including Army medic Cpl. Karl Dufar and daughters Carla, 9, and Martha, 19, was presented with a new home in West Mifflin. The Hope Lives Foundation selected the Dufars to receive the refurbished, refinished home because of Cpl. Dufar's service in Iraq, where he suffered back injuries.
Three hours later, mother and daughters fraudulently alleged that Cpl. Dufar domestically abused them so they could have the house for themselves, and police escorted him from the premises to the Allegheny County Jail.
ALVIN FOUND DEAD IN LONDON HOTEL ROOM, CHIPMUNKS CANCEL REMAINDER OF EUROPEAN TOUR
LONDON - Alvin, the so-called “cute” Chipmunk, was found dead in his London hotel room this morning following a night of debauchery with his German girlfriend. According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.
A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.”
The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment. Several weeks ago, at the conclusion of the first leg of a concert tour through the British Isles, Simon and Theodore left for India to study transcendental meditation with the Maharashi. Mr. Seville’s publicist said they had been informed, and were in shock.
Around the world, grieving fans poured into streets carrying candles and placards in spontaneous celebrations of the life and career of the dulcet-toned woodland creature that captivated audiences for over forty years. The Chipmunk’s sold-out Christmas show at the Royal Albert Hall scheduled for tomorrow evening has been canceled.
Steelers coordinator Bruce Arians develops new formation for offense
Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will now take the snap from center lying on his back to save time.
Check out the Carbolic page every Monday in the Trib p.m. and join us Fridays for our Week in Review on WDVE's Morning Show, replayed on Sean McDowell's show after 5.
BUSH BLAMES JESSICA SIMPSON FOR DALLAS COWBOYS LOSS, AMERICAN SETBACKS IN IRAQ
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush has a message for Jessica Simpson: Stay away from the Dallas Cowboys, and keep out of Iraq.
The President made the statement in prepared remarks at the start of a news conference last night.
Bush, like many Dallas Cowboys fans, attributed quarterback Tony Romo's poor performance during last Sunday's game to Simpson's attendance. Simpson is Romo's girlfriend.
"It is very difficult to read the field when you're having an erection," the President explained. But the President went further and said that all U.S. setbacks in Iraq are directly attributable to Simpson. "Tony Romo had what was statistically the worst game of his career. Ms. Simpson happened to be sitting in a luxury box cheering him on," the President said. "Likewise, we have evidence that Ms. Simpson visited Iraq several months ago, and it's no secret that the United States has suffered severe difficulties in that conflict that none of our military experts anticipated. Need I say more? Jessica Simpson accounts for all our problems in Iraq. Accordingly, tonight I am ordering that Ms. Simpson not attend any more Dallas Cowboys games, and that she stay out of Iraq."
SENATE FINES FIVE MEMBERS OF JUDICIARY COMMITTEE FOR DISPLAYING PRO-MICHAEL VICK MESSAGES DURING HEARING
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee has levied stiff fines against five Senators who violated the Senate uniform policy by displaying pro-Michael Vick signs during a hearing on the rights of Guantanamo Bay detainees last week. Only hours before the hearing began, Vick was sentenced to twenty-three months in prison for conspiring to run an interstate dog-fighting operation.Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) announced the penalties this morning before resumption of testimony. In addition, Leahy announced a one-hearing suspension for Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) for what he described as “blatant, egregious disregard for the decorum of this august body.”
Graham is alleged to have concluded his questioning of a key government witness by pulling his shirt from his trousers and revealing the words “Free Mike Vick” on his chest. The Senator also brought a cardboard cut-out of Vick which he placed next to him during the hearing.
The other Senators punished by Leahy include Senators Barbara Feinstein (D-California), Charles Schumer (D-New York), Russell Feingold (D-Wisconsin) and Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama). All four wrote Vick’s initials and uniform number on black patches under their eyes which they wore for the duration of the hearing.
"IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR CHRISTMAS, FORGET THE CHURCH, DUDE -- YOU NEED TO GO TO VICTORIA'S SECRET"
Commentary by Jason Kidd, Carbolic Smoke Ball's Teen Critic*You'd, like, never know it's Christmas by walking into church, dudes (and dudettes). They've got no Christmas tree, no Christmas lights, no mistletoe, no Frosty, no Rudolf. Not even a Santa.
Now contrast this pathetic scene, if you will, with the malls, which have been decked out in, like, full Christmas regalia for weeks. The fact is, if you're looking for Christmas, you'll sooner find it in Victoria's Secret which, as you can see from the picture I took, is selling these sweet Santa outfits for the ladies. Heh heh.
I asked my parish's pastor, Father Dale DeNinno, why the Church just doesn't get it about Christmas. As you would expect, I got a totally unsatisfactory answer. He fed me the usual blah-blah-blah about this being "Advent," a time for preparation, not Christmas, and that the Church knows more about Christmas than any institution because the Church promulgated it in the first place, etc. etc.
Just, like, drive a spike through my eye!
Dude, all you have to do is get in your car and drive down to the mall if you don't believe me about this: the world isn't "preparing" for Christmas, Christmas is here. And I got news for you: nobody except you is talking about "Advent."
When was the last time you saw an "Advent" greeting card or an "Advent" TV special? You're so busy "preparing" with your "Advent," you're going to miss Christmas altogether because it all ends December 25, dude.
The bottom line is that if you want to find Christmas, don't bother with the Church because it ain't there. You need to hop in your car and head to Victoria's Secret.
*Mr. Kidd appears courtesy of St. Elizabeth High School's Senior Class production of Pirates of Penzance.
MUMMIFIED REMAINS OF BILL BURNS TO CO-HOST KDKA CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL TELETHON TONIGHT
DECEASED NEWSMAN SCHEDULED TO TUG HEARTSTRINGS, VILIFY PIGEONS FOR MUCH OF SHOW
RAVENSTAHL SAYS CITY SHOULD REIMBURSE UPMC FOR EVERY DOLLAR OF THE PITTSBURGH PROMISE, PLUS INTEREST
"If they're going to help us out," the Mayor said, "it's only fair that we help them out too."
MOUNTAINEER LEAVING WEST VIRGINIA FOR MICHIGAN; MASCOT SAYS OFFER OF FUR-LINED BUCKSKIN SUIT, NEW MUSKET 'TOO GOOD TO PASS UP'
ANN ARBOR - The Mountaineer, long-time mascot of West Virginia University, has accepted an offer to become the mascot of the University of Michigan. University of Michigan officials are expected to announce the hiring at an afternoon press conference today. This comes only days after West Virginia football coach Rich Rodriguez was introduced as the new head coach of the Michigan football team.Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources inside the West Virginia athletic department said friction between the Mountaineer and WVU athletic director Ed Pastilong was a primary reason for the Mountaineer’s departure.
“At Ann Arbor, the Mountaineer is getting a brand new musket, a new weather-resistant buckskin suit, and indoor plumbing at his on-campus shack.” The issue of indoor plumbing was an apparent sticking point between the Mountaineer and WVU officials.
Reaction from West Virginia alumni and fans was, as expected, outrage. “I’ve never seen anything as mishandled as this," said Bob Reynolds, former chief operating office of Fidelity Investments. Sources say he has informed university officials he plans to withdraw twelve million dollars in donations he has pledged to the school. The Mountaineer has been with West Virginia since replacing his predecessor, The Bootlegger, who succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver in 1973.
ARUBA CLOSES NATALEE HOLLOWAY CASE
AUTHORITIES ARREST JORAN VAN DER SLOOT, ROUGH HIM UP ONE LAST TIME "FOR OLD TIMES SAKE"
SEMEN FOUND TO BE 'PERFECT' RAW MATERIAL TO PRODUCE BIODIESEL FUEL
Ejaculate expected to displace oil to fuel cars by 2010; teen males to be the new SheiksFeminist writers who have provocatively pondered whether men still serve a useful purpose since women can do everything men can do and can even reproduce without a mate, are about to get an answer they may not like, and from an unlikely source.
The Congressional Commission on Alternative Fuels has released a comprehensive report that shows semen is the "most efficient, most cost-effective, in short, the perfect" raw material to produce bioldiesel fuel.
"Given the potential supply of ejaculate capable of being produced by American males," the report concludes, "by 2010, semen likely will replace oil to power virtually every American motor vehicle."
The development could work a sea change for American males, the report explains. For some, the news is a godsend: "A mother who suspiciously asks her son what he's up to alone in his room might be pleasantly surprised when he tells her that he is doing his part to reduce American dependency on the stranglehold of foreign oil," explains the report.
But it could also have wide-ranging repercussions that will require more careful study, the report cautions. "Teenage males likely will become the new Sheiks, owners of a seemingly endless supply of fuel," the report explains. "It is conceivable that they will control most of the world's wealth." The report concludes: "Somewhere there's a skinny boy with nerdy glasses who's going to be wealthier than Bill Gates."
Kim Gandy, President of NOW, is urging all women to continue using dirty fossil-fuel based products instead of semen, regardless of the cost or the harm to America, "for obvious reasons."
FILMMAKER KEN BURNS ENDORSES OBAMA IN EIGHT-PART SERIES REPLETE WITH PLEDGE BREAKS
David McClullough narrates
IKE TURNER ROUGHS UP PRINCESS DIANA, JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS
R&B LEGEND “SURPRISED” TO BE IN HEAVEN, LOOKING FORWARD TO BEATING THE GREAT WOMEN OF HISTORY(Heaven) Guitarist Ike Turner, who died last week at the age of 76 in his San Marcos, California home, said he was surprised to find himself in heaven given his long history of drug dependency and violence. Turner made his remarks Monday morning while appearing in a vision to three male fans waiting on line outside of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.
“He said that in my father’s house, there are many mansions, and every room of every mansion is filled with women waiting for old Ike to smack ‘em around,” said Dave Corbett, of Shaker Heights. “He said he had to show Eleanor Roosevelt who was boss last night” after the former first lady neglected to provide enough sugar for his tea. “She only gave me one lump, so I gave her two.”
The three witnesses to Ike Turner’s visit also said Mr. Turner promised three miracles in their lifetime, and that the completion of the final miracle would signal the return to Earth of the Son of God and Mr. Turner. “I’m putting together the final touches on the Ike and Jesus Christ Revue right now,” he said.
Mr. Turner swore the men to secrecy about the details of the miracles he described, vowing to inflict extensive physical punishment on their deceased female relatives should they fail to heed his warning.
All three men were taken to Cleveland General Hospital, where they remain under observation.
WOMEN'S DORMS TO GET 'VIRTUAL FIRST-DOWN' LINES THAT GUYS CAN'T CROSS
PITTSBURGH - Using the computer-generated technology that television networks employ during NFL games to mark the spot the offense must pass for a first down, colleges around the country are equipping women's dorms with a switch that generates a fluorescent yellow line seven inches from wherever the woman happens to be. Hanna Hyphen-Lugosi, dean of students at the University of Pittsburgh, explained that any male visiting a woman's dorm will be required to wear a "receiver collar" around his neck, and if he tries to pass the yellow line a radio signal will emit an electric shock. "It's actually quite amusing to watch," she chuckled.
Colleges are borrowing the NFL's virtual first-down technology because "that's something guys can relate to," Dean Hyphen-Lugosi explained, rolling her eyes. The seven-inch distance was selected "for obvious reasons," she smirked.
Dean Hyphen-Lugosi said the University was sensitive to male students' complaints that the policy is discriminatory. "That's why we dropped the requirement that they wear the collars around their [genitals]," she explained. "That was a major concession by the women because they were very much looking forward to seeing the boys' reactions when they crossed the line."
BUSH PARDONS STEELER DEFENSE; PRESIDENT ACKNOWLEDGES BLOWN ASSIGNMENTS, MISSED TACKLES; SAYS ITS TIME TO MOVE FORWARD
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush issued an executive pardon for the Pittsburgh Steelers defense this morning in a one-paragraph statement released by White House press secretary Dana Perrino.
“While the president in no way condones the sloppy tackling by Steeler linebackers, or inability to control the line of scrimmage by the nose tackle and defensive ends, he thinks it is in the best interest of the nation to put yesterday’s shocking home loss behind us,” said Perrino. “The President believes that now is a time for healing.”
The pardon was issued only twenty-four hours after the Jacksonville Jaguars defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game where Jacksonville running backs rushed for over three hundred yards. While the pardon does not change the outcome of the game, it does expunge the statistical records, thereby allowing the Steelers to retain their vaunted number one rating in the league’s defensive standings.
“I appreciate what President Bush has done for us,” said Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau. “Every defense deserves a second chance to redeem itself.”
Widow fulfills husband's last wish, brings ashes to Heinz Field
Grounds crew says they worked well to increase traction at midfield, calls for more deceased Steelers fans to become "part of the game"
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