Shuttle set to launch Saturday; in case of loose tiles, ex-star of TV's This Old House on standby to lead repair mission
BOB VILA: THE PROBLEM WITH THE TILES ON THE LAST SHUTTLE WAS THE GROUTING -- WE'RE READY THIS TIME. CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - The space shuttle Discovery catapulted America back into space for the first time in almost three years last summer, but NASA officials declared the mission a failure because a thermal tile broke off from the spacecraft's belly during liftoff and put the crew in peril.
Now nearly a year later, Discovery is set to launch again this Saturday, and NASA officials are taking no chances with the safety of the crew. If a problem arises with any of the tiles during the mission, NASA has arranged to have Bob Vila, the former host of television's This Old House, on standby to command a second shuttle mission to repair them.
NASA Director Bradleys Roadhouse explained that when the problem occurred during last year's shuttle mission, NASA consulted Vila, and he correctly diagnosed the problem. "One of the most common problems with tile," Vila explained, "is that people don't wait 24 hours to grout," he said. "That's what happened there. It's that simple."
In selecting Vila to lead a possible repair mission, NASA is not concerned that he has no training as an astronaut. Roadhouse explained that he saw Vila supervise the installation of tile around a bathtub on an episode of This Old House several years ago, "and the manner in which he screwed the cement backer board directly into the studs was nothing short of genius. I saw that and I said to myself, 'That's the man I want to command a shuttle repair mission.'"
Vila is excited about the possibility of leading a repair mission. "We could turn it into a TV show and call it, 'This Old Spaceship'," he said.
MARVEL COMICS' SPIDER-MAN UNMASKS SELF; NOT TO BE OUTDONE, DC'S SUPERMAN TO UNZIP SELF
WILL PROVE WHY HE'S CALLED SUPERMAN
NEW YORK - Marvel Comics is calling Spider-Man's self-unmasking in the latest edition of Civil War comic book the most shocking event in the history of comics.
Maybe so, but not for long. D.C. Comics announced that its flagship trademark, Superman, will also reveal himself in the character's latest theatrical release, Bryan Singer's Superman Returns, opening today, and it won't just be his face he reveals, D. C. assures us.
"We're going to prove once and for all why they call Brandon Routh [who plays the lead role] Superman," said D.C. Comics President Velveeta Lugosi-Roadhouse. She explained that the unzipping scene"is done with the utmost good taste, akin to Michelangelo's David. After all, this is not some gay porn film. Superman is the man of steel, not the man of wood."
D.C. plans to use the Superman stunt to test the waters for the possible undressing of Wonder Woman this fall.
NOEL NEILL, TV's "LOIS LANE," TO BE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN SO SHE CAN MAKE APPEARANCES IN ALL FUTURE "SUPERMAN" REMAKES
HOLLYWOOD - Noel Neill was TV's Lois Lane in the 1953-1958 series, The Adventures of Superman with George Reeves, and to many Americans, no one could ever replace her. In 1978, in a nod to nostalgia, Neill made a cameo appearance in the blockbuster, Superman starring Christopher Reeve.
In 1991, again in a nod to nostalgia, they trotted her out to make a cameo in an episode of Superboy.
And starting today, in yet another nod to nostalgia, filmgoers will see the 85-year old Neill again as she has a small role in Superman Returns.
Warner Brothers, which owns the movie rights to the "man of steel," wants to make sure Neill will be around to make a cameo in each and every future remake of "Superman," in the next century and beyond. Neill thinks that's a good idea, too, so tonight, immdediately after she attends the Los Angeles premiere of Superman Returns, Neill will be whisked away to Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale where she will be cryogenically frozen with instructions to be thawed out whenever the next "Superman" remake starts filming. Then she'll be refrozen to await the next remake, and so on through eternity.
Neill explained why she is doing it: "The kids will see me in Superman Returns. Their parents saw me in Superboy back in '91. Their parents' parents saw me in Superman with Christopher Reeve in '78. And their parents' parents' parents saw me in the original TV series in the '50's. You see, I think I've figured out why I was put on this earth: I was meant to be immortal!"
BREAKING NEWS: PIRATES SHOCKER
McCLATCHY: "WE'VE FALLEN ON HARD TIMES!"
PITTSBURGH - Pirate fans around the nation are shocked and many are in tears this morning upon hearing the startling news reported by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that Pirates CEO Kevin McClatchy said the team has "fallen on hard times." "This is earth-shaking," said Velveeta Lugosi, a waitress at the Tower Diner in the Gulf Tower and long-time Pirates fan. "Other than the World Trade Center attack, this is about the most shocking thing I've ever heard. I don't see how I'm going to be able to work today."
Seventeen-year old Ryan Mansfield has no memory of the last Pirates' winning season since he was just three-years old at the time, but he brushed away tears when he heard the news. "I knew that the Bucs have a ways to go to be a contender, but this . . ." Ryan put his head down and gently sobbed.
McClatchy told this news source that he knows his statement comes as a shock to Pirates fans, but he had been secretly preparing it for two weeks. "I was hoping not to have to go through with it, but ultimately felt we had no choice." McClatchy said he is relieved that he made the statement. "Now everybody knows what I've been suspecting for the past two weeks."
TRACY DEMANDS RETURN OF STRAWBERRIES, PLAYERS THREATEN MUTINY
PITTSBURGH - Embattled Pirates skipper Jim Tracy lashed out at his players yesterday, saying he “has tried to run this ship properly by the book,” but “the men have fought me at every turn.” Speaking to reporters after the team completed an afternoon workout, Tracy cited the theft of strawberries from his office refrigerator as an example of the slipshod discipline and substandard behavior that has contributed to the poor performance of his team. “They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic that a duplicate key to my refrigerator did exist.”
Tracy added that he viewed Craig Wilson as the prime suspect in the strawberry robbery, and vowed not to play him on a regular basis until his fruit was returned. Tracy said he attempted to conduct a strip search of Wilson to confirm his suspicions, but Donald Fehr and the Major League Players Union stopped him. “Therefore, I am forced to punish the innocent with the guilty,” he said. “No liberty for three months!”
Wilson was indignant when informed of Tracy’s remarks. “That’s the final straw,” he said. One clubhouse insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, said a group of Pirate players were considering invoking Article 184 of the Major League Baseball Maritime Code of Regulations, which permits subordinates with more than three years of Major League service to relieve a manager of his duties under extraordinary circumstances. “Something has to change,” said Salomon Torres. “He’s running this ship into the ground.”
FEDS WON'T PROSECUTE FORMER MAYOR MURPHY, NOW A CONSULTANT IN RECONSTRUCTING NEW ORLEANS
EX-PITTSBURGH MAYOR PROPOSES "A LAZARUS ON EVERY CORNER" FOR BIG EASY
NEW ORLEAN - Federal prosecutors today announced they won't prosecute former Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy for his role in allegedly cutting a deal with the local fire union in exchange for votes in the 2002 election.
Murphy, now a consultant for the Urban Land Institute offering assistance in the reconstruction of New Orleans, said he can now concentrate completely on rebuilding "the Big Easy." Toward that end, Murphy unveiled an ambitious plan that he says "will cause everybody to utter, 'Katrina who?'"
"The state of Louisiana, with a healthy dose of Federal funding, would construct multiple Lazarus department stores throughout the city," Murphy explained. "There would be as many as six downtown." In close proximity to every Lazarus would be a Lord and Taylor department store, also funded by tax dollars.
"Department stores will bring the suburbanites back downtown as nothing else will," Murphy proclaimed. He explained to reporters that this exact plan served Pittsburgh well in the 1940's and 1950's. He refused, however, to discuss more recent decades.
"I ask you rhetorically," he said, "who wants to shop in the convenience of their local indoor mall, with its free parking, climate control and relative safety, when they can journey to an exciting, vibrant downtown area with, admittedly, terrific traffic jams, parking garages that gouge you, hot and humid conditions and the possibility of a mugging?"
Murphy grudgingly conceded that Lazarus wants nothing to do with the plan, even if it would be given the stores free of cost. "That's so like Lazarus," he joked. "Always playing hard to get." He said that if Lazarus can't be bribed into "playing ball, like we did with them in Pittsburgh," he will propose "Plan 'B'" which would have New Orleans build multiple sports facilities at the same time, regardless of whether the tax-paying voters want or can afford them.
BUSH APOLOGIZES TO VISION-IMPAIRED AND BLACK REPORTERS FOR CRACKS ABOUT SUNGLASSES, SKIN COLOR
BUSH: "I DIDN'T KNOW THE GUY WITH DARK GLASSES HAD MACULAR DEGENERATION; AND I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT WOMAN WAS BLACK."
BIG BEN ANNOUNCES ENGAGEMENT TO DAUGHTER OF WOMAN WHO HIT HIM
PITTSBURGH - Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, 24, announced today that he is engaged to be married to Rosacea Fleishman, 22, daughter of 62-year old Martha Fleishman, the woman who nearly killed him when her Chrysler New Yorker struck his motorcycle on the south side of the Armstrong Tunnels on June 12. The wedding will take place this Saturday at 2 p.m. Mrs. Fleishman made the announcement in a press release: "I am happily surprised that Mr. Ben Roethlisberger survived the injuries he sustained following my car's unfortunate collision with him. I will be even more happily surprised if he survives one month with my daughter, Rosacea, or as her father and I call her, 'The Princess.'"
The happy couple met in the hospital following the accident and immediately fell in love "when Rosey fell over my bed pan," Ben recalls. In choosing the venue for their nuptials, the couple had only one site in mind: the intersection on Second Avenue where the Armstrong Tunnels meet the 10th Street Bridge -- the site of Big Ben's near fatal accident with the mother of his bride-to-be. The City of Pittsburgh has agreed to close the intersection for the fifteen minute ceremony. The newlyweds will honeymoon in Detroit, scene of the Steelers' Super Bowl victory last February.
During a free-wheeling press conference this morning, Roethlisberger revealed that he is still a virgin. Rosacea chimed in: "I'm looking forward to the wedding night when I can finally see his Big Ben." She paused, then added: "I'll let you know if he really should be wearing number 7." Ben even made light of his accident when he joked with his future mother-in-law. "Ma, do me one favor, will you? Drive Rosey and me to the airport after the ceremony. I won't feel safe driving myself knowing you're on the road."
NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST DESPERATE FOR STORY MAKES PEST OF SELF AT KENNYWOOD PARK
WEST MIFFLIN, Pa. - Last Saturday, Post-Gazette columnist and local bon vivant Brian O'Neill attended his parish's annual picnic at Kennywood Park instead of writing his Sunday column, which was due in several hours. "I ain't worried about it," O'Neill told his fellow picnickers. "I can shake [columns] out of my sleeve." He bragged he would "find something to write about" while waiting in line for the rides. "That's how I got the paper to pay for my admission," he confided to his pastor.As O'Neill strode toward the Turtle, a potato whizzed within inches of his forehead. He spun around and saw the perpetrator selling french fries at the Potato Patch, former state legislator Frank Pistella, ousted in the May primary due to O'Neill's crusade against the legislature's pay grab.
"Thanks a lot, jerk," shouted Pistella. "Half of Harrisburg is working at Kennywood because of you."
"Glad to hear they've found something they're suited for," yelled O'Neill as he made his way toward the Thunderbolt.
Thunderbolt attendant Geoff Puchalski, 21, a six-year veteran of the park, described what happened. "This guy with a note pad started asking me if I had an opinion about foot fungus. I was like, 'dude, I'm working right now.' And he was like, 'so am I, dude.'"
O'Neill stormed off in the direction of the Racer, where he spotted park employees Chrystale Davis, 21 and Tina Vignone, 20. "How would you girls like to get your names in a major metropolitan daily newspaper?" O'Neill barked.
"They don't make those any more," said Ms. Davis.
"I'm Brian O'Neill, the legendary journalist and scourge of the Pennsylvania state legislature. You surely recognize me from my familiar picture in the Sunday and Thursday editions."
"Yeah, I recognize you," said Ms. Vignone. "Hey Chrystale, that's the dude in the comics who's married to Blondie."
O'Neill whipped out his notepad. "I want to know what young people think. You're going to vote to oust the legislators who backed the pay raise, aren't you?" He grabbed Ms. Vignone's wrist and twisted it. Ms. Vignone winced. "In fact, you want to shrink the size of the legislature, don't you? And what about stuffing the All-Star ballot box? Young people favor that, don't they?" O'Neill squeezed tighter.
"Mister, I don't get paid enough to take this - - - - - ," pleaded Ms. Vignone. O'Neill unleashed her. "On top of that, the state just took $52 out of my first paycheck, and that hurts."
O'Neill's eyes lit up. "Those Harrisburg bastards!" he blurted out. "That $52 annual emergency service tax is going to ruin your minimum-wage lives! That's all I need." O'Neill darted off to the Kennywood front office near Noah's Ark where he corralled Kennywood director of community relations Andy Quinn. "Tell me about this $52," O'Neill barked.
Quinn gave him the brush. "Look, that's a non-issue." said Quinn. "It's $52. Big deal. Besides, why do you care?"
"Don't you know who I am?" O'Neill said in his most incredulous tone. "I'm the most respected writer at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette."
"Oh, why didn't you say so?" said Quinn smiling. He picked up the phone and quickly dialed. "Honey, you'll never believe who's in my office right now. Peter Leo!"
SANTONIO HOLMES SENT TO BOYS TOWN, FATHER FLANAGAN PLEDGES TO WISE HIM UP
BOYS TOWN, NEBRASKA - Pittsburgh Steelers first round draft pick Santonio Holmes voluntarily admitted himself to Boys Town today, hoping that the firm but gentle hand of Father Edward J. Flanagan will steer him towards a more productive life. Holmes has been arrested twice since he was drafted, most recently two Sundays ago when he was charged with domestic violence and assault. Cherubic Father Flanagan spoke to reporters at the Boys Town Campus, nestled in the middle of Nebraska but bearing a striking resemblance to the old MGM backlot in Culver City, California. He said he was confident that Holmes would reform his ne'er-do well ways. "There is no such thing as a bad boy," said Flanagan, "there are only boys on the right path and those who've lost their way." When a reporter asked him if there was such a thing as a bad draft pick, Flanagan sighed."Now that's a different story altogether." Holmes is due to report to Boys Town before sundown and is expected to bask in Father Flanagan's radiant glow, as Flanagan explained, "until the scene fades to black."
Father Flanagan said that Holmes would be rooming with Whitey, Duke, Pee-Wee and Butch, four young men recently adjudicated delinquent by local juvenile authorities. "I'm sure Santonio will fit in just fine." Delinquent Whitey Marsh, however, was less sanguine. "If he knows what's good for him, this Holmes fella better not get any ideas, see? I run the show around here, and if he don't like it, I'm liable to give him what's for, got it?" Marsh said he'll probably punch Holmes in the mouth the minute he arrives "to show him who's boss. Then I'll hand him a towel to clean up the blood, and I'll tell him, 'We're gonna get along just fine, you and me.'"
Will Holmes have any scrapes with the law while living at Boys Town? Will he report to Steelers training camp on time? "Those things will all be answered in the final reel," Father Flanagan assured reporters.
Reached at home while packing his bags, Holmes was optimistic."Gosh, I think this is going to be swell," he said. "I can't wait to meet the gang."
THIRD LAWYER FOR SADDAM KILLED BY INSURGENTS
"HMM. I HAVE A LIST OF ATTORNEYS FROM ALLEGHENY COUNTY I AM GOING TO NOMINATE TO SERVE ON SADDAM'S DEFENSE TEAM."
THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM
MR. ROONEY BREAKS SILENCE ABOUT ROETHLISBERGER ACCIDENT
"I KNEW EVERYTHING WAS OK WHEN THE DOCTOR CAME OUT AND TOLD US, 'WE'RE NOT SURE IF HE'S SUFFERED BRAIN DAMAGE, BUT HIS KNEES ARE FINE.' THE ENTIRE ROOM BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF."
BREAKING NEWS: PIRATE OWNERS, THE NUTTINGS, TO BUY SEVEN SPRINGS RESORT
FAMILY VOWS TO MAINTAIN FIRST-CLASS SKI FACILITY. WILL IMMEDIATELY SELL CHAIR LIFTS, SNOW MACHINES "AND ANYTHING ELSE NOT GLUED DOWN" FOR CASH 
WECHT ACCUSES JUDGE OF BIAS AND MOVES FOR HIS RECUSAL, THREATENS HIM WITH AUTOPSY
CARLOW COLLEGE OFFERS TO PURCHASE BODY OF JUDGE ARTHUR SCHWAB FROM WECHT IN EXCHANGE FOR OFFICE AND LAB SPACE
MORE COMMENTATORS COMMENDED FOR THEIR FIDELITY TO THE TRUTH
The following commentators are to be commended for their fidelity to the truth in citing this news source's coverage of the Roethlisberger accident: Macyapper -- the official blog of the great local wit, bon vivant and king of night-time radio in Pittsburgh, KDKA's John McIntire. Mr. McIntire referenced this site's "excellent Big Ben snarkery" in his June 16 blog entry.
Legendary local blogger Froth Slosh B'Gosh who calls our story on Big Ben's resuscitation "Must read stuff!" (And we are curious about the comment from his reader: "Hilarious!!!! Pop almost shot out of my nose when I saw the photo." Such an event, of course, would have merited a story in and of itself.)
The slick-looking and insightful Tarentum blog, Central Park Bench.
These entries join previous commentators recognizing our coverage of this major story:
The great Peter Leo, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's writing guru, in his June 15 "Morning File."
The landmark and revolutionary KGB Report.
Our friends at the very thoughtful Ratlands.
And the fine writer with the good taste to say that our site made her "almost pee[ ]" herself at Publish or Perish.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
THE POST-GAZETTE CONTINUES ITS TRADITION OF EXCELLENCE
If we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive, there would be precious little time to serve the downtrodden. We make an exception today because we want to salute the great Peter Leo, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's writing guru. This courageous man -- once again -- put his career, and his life, on the line by citing this news source. In this morning's edition of the newspaper, Mr. Leo cited this source's award winning coverage of the Ben Roethlisberger accident:
While we eschew the word "fake" and prefer the phrase "simulated news," we salute Mr. Leo for his dedication to the truth, despite powerful forces who oppose it. (We would add, however, that the reference to Mr. Murray is problematic. He is a mail-room clerk for this news source who frequently takes undeserved credit for my deeds. I will need to clip his wings.)
While we eschew the word "fake" and prefer the phrase "simulated news," we salute Mr. Leo for his dedication to the truth, despite powerful forces who oppose it. (We would add, however, that the reference to Mr. Murray is problematic. He is a mail-room clerk for this news source who frequently takes undeserved credit for my deeds. I will need to clip his wings.) Other courageous commentators who pay tribute to our coverage of this tragic event include the landmark and revolutionary KGB Report; our friends at the very thoughtful Ratlands; and the fine writer with the good taste to explain that our site made her "almost pee[ ]" herself at Publish or Perish. Thank you!
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
WOMAN WHO ALLEGEDLY HIT BIG BEN CLAIMS "REAL PERPETRATOR WAS ON GRASSY KNOLL; I'M JUST THE PATSY"
CONSPIRACY-MONGERS CLAIM SECOND CHRYSLER NEW YORKER WAS INVOLVED IN ACCIDENT, DISCOUNT "MAGIC NEW YORKER" THEORY
AN OPEN LETTER TO BEN ROETHLISBERGER FROM THE EDITOR
YOU NEED TO GET A NEW BIKE AND HEAD BACK TO SECOND AVENUE WITHOUT A HELMET AND CUT IT LOOSE
Dear Mr. Roethlisberger:
I address you by your formal name because it offends me that persons whom you've never met unilaterally arrogate to themselves the right to call you "Ben" or even "Big Ben."
The news media in Pittsburgh and far beyond has used your misfortune as fuel to propel its cynical, all-knowing view of the world. Its membership has chastised you for your putative "stupidity" and supposed "immaturity."
I write to let you know that not everyone shares their haughty glee and to offer you some advice.
This unfortunate accident -- which occurred, incidentally, because a 62-year old Squirrel Hill woman pulled into your lane of traffic in violation of the Pennsylvania Vehicle Code -- obviously has you shaken up. But as soon as you are able, you must purchase another bike (and it should be a fast, Japanese bike), and without wearing a motorcycle helmet, you must head back to the intersection of Second Avenue and the 10th Street Bridge where the accident occurred, and you must cut it loose, full throttle. You must ride back and forth over that spot for hours, until you run out of gas. "Dangerous activity" prohibition in your Steelers contract be damned.
You see, you are a champion, a breed set apart. You are superior to -- if I may borrow a phrase from Vice President Agnew -- those nattering nabobs of negativism in the "news media," and you must completely ignore them.
Champions do not allow adversity to derail them for long. When they fall, they get right back up on their bikes, and they head to Second Avenue, without a helmet.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham,
Founder, "The Carbolic Smoke Ball"
X-RAY MIX UP: ROETHLISBERGER'S INJURIES EXAGGERATED BECAUSE DOCTORS MISTOOK BARBARO'S X-RAY'S FOR HIS
BIG BEN WILL BE FINE, BUT WILL MISS NEXT WEEK'S RACE AT SANTA ANITA 
STEELER RESERVE QUARTERBACK CHARLIE BATCH ARRESTED FOR CONSPIRACY TO MURDER ROETHLISBERGER
PITTSBURGH - In a shocking confession that took even Allegheny County District Attorney Stephen Zappala off guard, Steeler back-up quarterback Charlie Batch admitted this morning to this news source that he paid assassin Martha Fleishman, 62 of Squirrel Hill, $50,000 to "mow down Ben [Roethlisberger]" yesterday so that Batch would become the team's starting quarterback. Batch said he "had no choice but to confess" because he slipped up in an interview on Channel 11 last night. "I was the only Pittsburgher who didn't express outrage, betrayal and self-pity over the fact that Ben wasn't wearing a helmet." After he realized his slip, Batch figured it was "just a matter of time before they got me."
Batch also confessed to hiring Fleishman last season to toss garbage on Tommy Maddox's front lawn "to drive him out of town."
Fleishman has long been linked as a possible suspect in the John F. Kennedy assassination.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY VOWS TO SEEK DEATH PENALTY FOR WOMAN DRIVING CAR IN ACCIDENT WITH BEN ROETHLISBERGER
PITTSBURGH - Allegheny County District Attorney Stephen Zappala held a news conference today to announce that he would seek the death penalty for the woman driving a car allegedly involved in an accident that sent Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to the hospital. Zappala said he hoped to bring the woman to trial by early this afternoon, reach a verdict by the dinner hour and end her life by lethal injection "before the sun sets this evening." Despite the fact officials insist that the investigation of the accident won’t be completed for at least two weeks, Zappala said that the “enormity of the impact of the injuries sustained by Mr. Roethlisberger on the emotional and mental health of the community at large demands that the driver of this vehicle, whoever she is, forfeit her life.”
When reporters asked if the fact that Roethlisberger was the quarterback of a professional football franchise in the city played a part in his decision to seek the death penalty, Zappala replied “absolutely.” Pressed further by newsmen who wondered why the sixty-four year old woman driving the car would be executed before law enforcement officials could determine whether or not she committed a crime, Zappala was incredulous. “The driver of the vehicle that struck Big Ben nearly killed the most important player on the most beloved sports franchise in town. We need to send a message to other potential drivers out there that if you’re going to run over a Steeler, you’re going to pay a price.”
Zappala said he hoped the swift arrest, prosecution and punishment meted out to the driver of the vehicle that struck Big Ben would assure the public that his office had a “zero tolerance” for any acts that could jeopardize the Steelers chances to repeat as Super Bowl champions.
RENDELL CALLS ON NFL TO MAKE HELMETS OPTIONAL
HARRISBURG - Citing the success of Pennsylvania's optional motorcycle helmet law that he signed into law three years ago, Governor Edward G. Rendell today called on the NFL to "loosen up its strict rules" requiring helmets. "Our motorcycle helmet law in Pennsylvania celebrates individual choice and freedom," said the Governor. "The NFL should follow suit." Rendell suggested that his favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles, should still require its players to wear helmets, "but other teams," including the Eagles' cross-state rivals the Pittsburgh Steelers, "should not feel any such compulsion."
BEN ROETHLISBERGER APPEARS AT STEELERS' SOUTH SIDE TRAINING FACILITY
AMIDST HEAVY SECURITY, OUR REPORTER SNAPS FIRST PHOTO OF BIG BEN SINCE THE ACCIDENT
MEDIEVAL SCHOLARS SAY ROETHLISBERGER WOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY FROM ACCIDENT IF HE HAD BEEN WEARING SUIT OF ARMOR
PITTSBURGH - A study conducted by the European History Department at the University of Pittsburgh College of Arts and Sciences proves that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would have sustained only “minor injuries” from his motorcycle accident last week if he had been wearing a suit of armor. The results of the study were released yesterday at a press conference held by Chancellor Mark Nordenberg outside his office in the Cathedral of Learning. The Chancellor hailed the study as a “classic example of what academicians can accomplish when they have too much time on their hands.” He went on to say that “while it is indisputable that Mr. Roethlisberger would be better off wearing a suit of chainmail, we realize the sheer weight of the suit would make driving a motorcycle an uncomfortable experience. However, plate armor would be a worthy substitute."
The Chancellor had an even more startling recommendation. "We also encourage young Roethlisberger to consider carrying a lance at all times while riding, not only as a means of protection from wayward vehicles, but to ward off troublesome autograph seekers as well.”
Mr. Roethlisberger’s agent Leigh Steinberg said that Mr. Roethlisberger “was humbled by the conclusions reached by the esteemed faculty members,” and vowed to contact representatives from Adidas to have a suit of armor custom made for his next bike ride “just as soon as he can open his mouth.”
JOINT CHIEFS' PROBE OF HADITHA CIVILIAN MASSACRE CONCLUDES THAT MARINES COULD USE SENSITIVITY TRAINING
"A KIND WORD AND A 'PLEASE' AND 'THANK YOU' BEFORE SHOOTING CIVILIANS COULD GO A LONG WAY TOWARD LESSENING PUBLIC RELATIONS PROBLEMS FOR MARINES," REPORT CONCLUDES
WASHINGTON - General Peter Pace, the new chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff, today announced the findings of a special probe into the Haditha massacre that killed 24 civilians last November.
General Pace explained: "A kind word and a smile would have gone a long way toward alleviating negative feelings about the U.S. military when the exigencies of warfare made it necessary for Marines to shoot innocent civilians at Haditha."
Pace put this current incident in historical perspective: "Discourteous treatment of civilians is precisely the cause of the public relations furor associated with the My Lai massacre in 1968. One can only wonder how that incident would have been perceived if Lt. William Calley had addressed the victims with courtesy and respect when he shot them, instead of yelling at them and treating them as if they were the enemy."
"Our Marines must remember that we are guests of the Iraqi people," General Pace explained. "Courtesy toward Iraqis is expected of us at all times, even when we must kill them."
WASHINGTON - General Peter Pace, the new chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff, today announced the findings of a special probe into the Haditha massacre that killed 24 civilians last November. General Pace explained: "A kind word and a smile would have gone a long way toward alleviating negative feelings about the U.S. military when the exigencies of warfare made it necessary for Marines to shoot innocent civilians at Haditha."
Pace put this current incident in historical perspective: "Discourteous treatment of civilians is precisely the cause of the public relations furor associated with the My Lai massacre in 1968. One can only wonder how that incident would have been perceived if Lt. William Calley had addressed the victims with courtesy and respect when he shot them, instead of yelling at them and treating them as if they were the enemy."
"Our Marines must remember that we are guests of the Iraqi people," General Pace explained. "Courtesy toward Iraqis is expected of us at all times, even when we must kill them."
CORRECTION: YESTERDAY'S PICTURE WAS NOT ARTS FESTIVAL EXHIBIT BUT DOG FECES
PITTSBURGH - This news source regrets very much the error we made in publishing a photograph yesterday of dog feces, taken at the annual Three Rivers Arts Festival. Our reporters covering the event reasonably believed that the image was a work of art intended to be intrusive and disturbing, and not the excrement of an animal wandering about Gateway Center. We chide those pet owners who permit their animals to create such messes at the Arts Festival and thus deceive unsuspecting visitors into thinking they are viewing great art.But alas, the fault lies with us. We should have realized the feces was not a work of art because close examination revealed that no Christian symbols had been immersed in it.
We apologize to those readers who were forced to look at dog feces while eating their breakfast, and we assure our faithful readers that egregious errors of this nature will never occur again.
We are taking a closer look at the photograph we published Saturday of a man urinating in the bushes at the Arts Fesitval. If it turns out this conduct was not "performance art" as we believed it was, we will republish this same heartfelt apology tomorrow.
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
NEW MTV SERIES: PEOPLE SAY THE DAMNEDEST THINGS IN CONFESSION!
NEW YORK - The Vatican today called on people of goodwill to boycott MTV's new reality show, People Say the Damnedest Things in Confession which puts hidden microphones and cameras in the confessional of a Catholic Church."It captures on tape the most intimate sins of the penitents for the viewing pleasure of MTV's hedonistic young audience," said the show's producer Larry Bang. "But it's all done in good taste."
In one segment on the opening show, a young man confesses to having sex with his girlfriend out of wedlock. Later that day, the show's producers show the confession to the girlfriend, "and that's where the fireworks begin," chuckles Bang. "She confronts the guy, and she is just livid. 'So you think what we do is wrong,' she yells. Well, the sheepish look on his face is just priceless." But then later that night, he gets back at her. They're sitting on her couch, and she's still upset with him, pouting and all that. Then the doorbell rings, and in comes an exorcist -- one of our actors dressed like a priest -- and he proceeds to do an exorcism on this young woman to cast out her demons, you know, for tempting this guy and all. Well, that sends her over the edge. She throws them both out, and the boyfriend can't stop laughing." Bang laughs uncontrollably.
"So you see," Bang chortles, "the whole thing's very healthy."
City Council calls for diversity in selection of next Bishop of Pittsburgh, wants non-Catholic black woman
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh City Council issued a non-binding resolution today calling on the Holy See to appoint a non-Catholic black woman as the next Bishop of the Diocese of Pittsburgh. Council President Luke Ravenstahl said that Council "is urging the Vatican to show greater sensitivity to diversity," especially women, minorities and Muslims.
"We think that the selection of a Catholic white male who believes in God would be a grave injustice," Ravenstahl said.
Twanda Carlisle authorized a paid study conducted by her mother's boyfriend, who claims to have a college degree of an indeterminate nature, to suggest the best candidate for Bishop from her district's perspective. The study, which cut and pasted a series of speeches by Ms. Carlisle and unrelated Readers Digest articles, cost $30,000 and concluded that the best candidate for Bishop of Pittsburgh is -- Twanda Carlisle.
Tomorrow, Council will debate whether there is human life on planets in other solar systems.
PROPOSED LAW WOULD PREVENT DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PAINTBALL VETERANS, AMERICA'S "FORGOTTEN HEROES"
PITTSBURGH - Ex-paintball warrior Jingo Bang awakens screaming every night, drenched in cold sweat. "Every night it's the same thing," said the 38-year old accountant. "I'm in the woods with my buddies, trying to capture the flag. It starts out fine. But then my teammates are gone, and I'm alone in the middle of a field." Bang clutches the arms of the chair with a death grip. "Then I'm surrounded. The enemies' guns are tricked out, firing hot, and I'm lit up something fierce. The shooting's so heavy, I can't move, and my mask is caked with paint." Tears stream down Bang's face and he breathes rapidly. "I raise my hands and yell, 'Fogged! Fogged!' but the referee's in cahoots with the other team and nobody comes over. Just when I figure I'm about to die, I jolt myself awake. And then I spend the day dreading what's going to happen when I fall asleep."Dr. Bradleys Roadhouse, founder of the Long Island Paintball Stress Clinic and a paintball veteran himself, says that Bang's experience is typical of many he hears every day. "Do you think it's a coincidence that the word 'paint' is almost identical to 'pain'?" Dr. Roadhouse asked.
Dr. Roadhouse points to a large corridor filled with paintball vets lying in beds. "Shamefully, America has turned its back on these brave men, despite all they've done for us," said Roadhouse. "Every weekend paintball warriors are out there putting their clean clothes on the line, risking getting paint all over themselves. And this is the thanks they get," he shakes his head. "It disgusts me."
Dr. Roadhouse is spearheading a drive to enact Federal legislation that would to prohibit discrimination in hiring, promoting or laying off paintball veterans solely on the basis of their paint-stained clothes. "That's the least these heroes deserve," said Dr. Roadhouse.
Reagan remembered two years after death. Gorbachev: "He was so intimidating, he made my head break out in a rash"
WASHINGTON - Two years after Ronald Reagan's untimely death, we reprint some of the more moving tributes that poured in that day:"I was impressed with him from our first meeting -- he was so intimidating he made my head break out in a rash." -- Gorbachev
"Some have misconstrued our relationship as having been marked by animosity. It is difficult to fathom where such notions originated. I have always had the utmost respect for President Reagan, and I am grateful that the attempt to end his life in which I played some role was ultimately unsuccessful." -- John Hinkley
"After he was shot, I told the press that when they wheeled him into the hospital the President said, 'Honey, I forgot to duck.' That this wasn't totally accurate. He really said, 'Honey, I think I am a duck.'" -- Dr. Francis Fitzgerald, treating physician following the assassination attempt on President Reagan in March 1981
"We have no statement other than to note that his family is wise in making private arrangements to fly his remains to his funeral because we will offer no assistance in that regard." -- The Air Traffic Controllers Union, whose members President Reagan fired in 1981 when they went on strike
"I have long looked forward to the day when I would be reunited with my old acting partner in heaven. I will open my arms, hug him and say, 'Job well done, Mr. President!'" -- Bonzo the Chimp
ROETHLISBERGER RESTING COMFORTABLY AFTER SURGERY, PHYSICIAN VOWS “WE CAN REBUILD HIM. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY”
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, a man barely alive, is “resting comfortably,” according to his physician. Roethlisberger spent the night at Mercy Hospital after undergoing seven hours of surgery following injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident yesterday. Speaking to reporters, Dr. Rudy Wells was optimistic about Roethlisberger’s chances for recovery. “We can rebuild him,” said Wells. “We have the technology. We can make him better, stronger, faster than he ever was before.”
Wells offered a detailed explanation of the extent of Roethlisberger’s injuries and the technological enhancements added to his body as a result of the surgery. “Mr. Roethlisberger had severe damage to his left eye, right leg, and right arm. After consulting with team officials and Mr. Roethlisberger’s family, we decided the best way to proceed was to install new bionic software to Ben’s damaged limbs and eye. The bad news is that it’s going to be a grueling process for Ben to come back. The good news, however, is that he’ll be able to throw a football for a distance of at least three miles, jump in and out of a stadium at will, and read the charts and playbooks of opposing teams from hundreds of yards away.”
Wells said that Roethlisberger’s rehabilitation will be performed under the watchful eye of government bureaucrat Oscar Goldman, and that the total cost of the operation would exceed six million dollars.
PROMOTER CLAIMS TO OWN RIGHTS TO THE PLATTERS, THE DRIFTERS AND THE TWELVE APOSTLES
WASHINGTON - Musical group promoter Julius Marx testified before Congress yesterday to oppose proposed legislation that would put a stop to imposter bands passing themselves off to concert-goers as the real deal. Marx claims that "real deal" or not, he owns the legal right to promote modern-day versions of The Platters and The Drifters, even though neither group has any of the original members. But those groups are small potatoes for the 38 year-old promoter. Marx claims that he owns the rights to what he refers to as "the big fish" -- a group 2,000 years-old and revered around the world, The Twelve Apostles. "I have all the documentation," said Marx. "I can trace [my rights] all the way back to the Apostle Matthew, the tax collector, who was in charge of the legalities for the Twelve." Marx said he is seeking an injunction to stop Christian churches from using the name "The Twelve Apostles" in its books, including the New Testament, and church services. "If a preacher so much as mentions any of the Twelve in a sermon, they'll have to pay me a royalty," said Marx.
Marx is even planning a multi-city tour, though one that assuredly won't include any of the original members. "We're casting right now," he said. "Everybody wants to be Judas because it's so much more interesting being the villain." He pauses and smiles. "I should know."
“Blondie” defiles our comic pages with the occult
EDITORIAL - Cartoon strip “Blondie” is celebrating its 75th anniversary, but instead of feting it we should condemn it for defiling our comic pages with the sinister forces of the occult.Here is the proof: Blondie and Dagwood’s son Alexander, born in 1934, and their daughter Cookie, born in 1941, stopped aging when they became teenagers. Blondie and Dagwood themselves are frozen forever in their early 40’s.
This unholy, Dorian Gray-like existence is, of course, diametrically opposed to the natural law. One can only imagine what the years should have done to Dagwood’s already hideous coiffure (for my American readers, that's hairdo). And it borders on cruelty to subject the Bumstead “children” to the raging hormones of puberty for half a century.
Do not celebrate this comic strip. Shun it; eschew it; in fact, shred it as soon as the newspaper is delivered. Or so help us all.
THE BIBLE PREDICTED PENNSYLVANIA'S "666" LOTTERY SCANDAL -- EVEN NAMING MASTERMIND
"If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is Nick Perry's number. His number is 666."
Last year, Thai youths made fashion statement with unnecessary braces; now, they're upping the ante by having their legs amputated
THAILAND - Last year, Thai teenagers with perfectly straight teeth enraged their parents and government officials alike by purchasing colorful, fake braces which they applied to their teeth as a fashion statement. The government cracked down due to the risk of "sores to the gums" and made it illegal to sell fake braces. Now some Thai teens are ratcheting up the defiance level by opting for what they believe to be the ultimate fashion statement: amputation of the legs.
"The kids are getting their legs chopped off because it's the 'in thing to do,'" explained fashion guru Mr. Blackwell. "They think it's very Western, very kinky, in a Civil War-retro kind of way."
But Thailand's Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is not going to stand for it. "The punishment for such an offense is to chop off their legs," he cried. An aide reminded the Prime Minister that it was too late for that. "Then their hands -- even their heads!" he exclaimed. "I am going to send a message that I will not stand unnecessary for dismemberment of body parts."
NEW LAW BANS DITZY VERSIONS OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU" IN CHAIN RESTAURANTS
WASHINGTON - Calling it one of America's most under-reported problems, President Bush says he is "completely fed up" with the wait staffs of the nation's chain restaurants singing versions of "Happy Birthday" that no one else knows or sings. "'Happy Birthday to You' is the most popular song in the English language," the President said. "But the crap they sing at these restaurants -- ten seconds after they're done clapping their hands and singing these new age things, you can't even hum the damn song. That's why we're sending a bill up to Capitol Hill that will outlaw these bastardized versions."
Bush said that "at long last" he's found his identity -- he wants to be known as "the Birthday President."
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