HUSSEIN EXECUTION: OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPH RELEASED
HONORARY HANGMAN CHARLTON HESTON VANQUISHES EX-DICTATOR "WITH MY BARE HANDS"
BUSH'S PHONE CALL TO COMMUTE SADDAM HUSSEIN'S DEATH SENTENCE COMES MINUTES TOO LATE
"GEE, I GUESS IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GET THIS OLD WATCH OF MINE FIXED!"
BRATZ DOLL APOLOGIZES FOR USING "F" WORD, SAYS MISCONDUCT FUELED BY RAGE DIRECTED AT HECKLER
NEW YORK - A spokesman for a popular karaoke singing baby Bratz doll named "Baby Jade," a big seller this Christmas for young girls, has issued a formal apology on her behalf to parents across America because Baby Jade can plainly be heard to use the f-word. The spokesman, Bradleys Roadhouse, said that Baby Jade has entered an undisclosed rehabilitation clinic "for anger management issues." Roadhouse explained that her misconduct was fueled by rage directed at hecklers during a recent public appearance promoting an upcoming Bratz movie. "She just flipped out," he said. Moreover, he added, Baby Jade had been abused as a child, ironically by the same clergyman who abused former congressman Mark Foley. "This does not excuse Baby Jade's misconduct," Roadhouse, said, "but we thought we would mention it because it may lead people to think she should be excused."
Comedian Jerry Seinfeld arranged for Baby Jade to appear via satellite on David Letterman's show to apologize for her misconduct to the nation. Roadhouse said she is also scheduled to meet with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to apologize to them directly.
NEWLY RELEASED INTERVIEW SHOWS FORD CRITICAL OF BUSH, RUMSFELD, CHENEY, KISSINGER AND OTHERS
OFFICIALS SAY NO ONE PLANS TO ATTEND FUNERAL
FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS SET FOR FORD, HUSSEIN
FORD TO LIE IN STATE IN CAPITOL ROTUNDA, HUSSEIN'S HEAD TO BE PARADED AROUND BAGHDAD ON STICK
GERALD FORD HAILED FOR RESTORING INTEGRITY TO STUMBLING, TRIPPING
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The late Gerald Ford, who died earlier this week at age 93, is being hailed around the world as the American President who restored integrity to stumbling and falling down. Time and again during his presidency, Ford was captured on film tripping, bumping his head, or slicing his golf ball into the crowd. Pratfall comics across the nation are saluting him as their master. "He was the patron saint of stumblers," veteran comic Dick Van Dyke told Larry King in a special tribute to Ford by clowns and physical comedians. Jim Carrey revealed that he has long studied Ford's techniques frame by frame. "Most of what I do, I lifted directly from President Ford," Carrey said. "But, frankly, the President took some falls that showed he was on a whole different plane than the rest of us. Like that time he tripped coming down Air Force One -- no matter how many hours I study it, I still can't exactly figure out how he achieved the comic effect. Pure genius."
"What made his stumbling all the more edgy," said comedian Chevy Chase, "was that he had the power to blow up the world. That clearly enhanced the humor."
July: PORT AUTHORITY TRANSIT TAKES OVER THUNDERBOLT
WEST MIFFLIN - A new era dawned at Kennywood Park today when the Port Authority Transit officially took over The Thunderbolt, one of America's most revered wooden roller coasters. PAT immediately put its mark on the ride, but the first day didn't go smoothly. "They jacked the prices way up and the damn thing constantly broke down," said coaster enthusiast Sean Cannon. "And how in the hell did they simulate the smell of bus fumes?" he asked.
Long-time Thunderbolt patrons were upset by PAT's addition of five stops at points throughout the ride, especially one in the middle of what formerly was the spectacular ravine drop in the middle of the ride.
Many riders also expressed anger that PAT reserved the first seven cars for senior citizens, who are permitted to ride free all day during non-peak hours. Many senior citizens "camped out" on the ride for hours, causing long lines of patrons vying for the few remaining seats. Some would-be riders complained that the operator passed them by without stopping; others complained about "riders who smell" or talked aloud on cell phones; and most riders found the new operators to be surly and unhelpful.
PAT President Tim Murray reviewed all of the comments following the first day and was pleased. "I'd say we're right on target to where we should be to inject the PAT way of doing things into this tired, old ride," he said. "Just wait until they see what we do to that bungee jump ride," he chuckled.
July: GREG BROWN ACCUSED OF PUNCTURING EARDRUM OF LOCAL WAITRESS
PITTSBURGH - Police issued an arrest warrant for Pittsburgh Pirates broadcaster Greg Brown today after he allegedly punctured the eardrum of a waitress when he became excited about the way she re-filled his coffee cup. Mr. Brown is accused of simple assault. According to the criminal complaint, the waitress, Philomena Jelovecki, was going from booth to booth this morning with a pot of coffee at the Tower Diner in the Gulf Building on Seventh Avenue where Mr. Brown was dining alone. When she approached Mr. Brown, “his eyes almost popped out of his skull,” the complaint stated. Brown then rose from his seat and exclaimed at the top of his lungs: “HERE SHE COMES, HEADING TOWARDS ME!” Mr. Brown thrust his cup toward her, describing the action in a voice so loud that Ms. Jelovecki lost hearing in her right ear. “AND HERE COMES THE COFFEE! OH, WHAT A CUP! AN ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR JOB OF POURING BY MY WAITRESS! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!”
This is not the first time that Brown has run afoul of the law. Last year, an employee of Don Royal Cleaners went into cardiac arrest after Brown exclaimed his appreciation for the “OUTSTANDING JOB” she did hemming his trousers. Brown was convicted of recklessly endangering another person and sentenced to wear electrical tape over his mouth for ninety days.
July: COMATOSE MAN'S BRAIN SPONTANEOUSLY REWIRES ITSELF AS WELL AS BUSTED BATHROOM FAN
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Arkansas - Doctors say that Terry Wallis, 42, who has been comatose in a rehabilitation center since suffering a severe brain injury in a car crash when he was 19, regained speech and movement because his brain spontaneously rewired itself by growing tiny new nerve connections to replace the ones sheared apart in the accident.
Wallis' doctors are even more astounded that while he was in a coma, his brain also spontaneously rewired a bathroom exhaust fan that hadn't worked for five years.
"It's a miracle," said Wallis' nurse Rosacea Lugosi. "We had completely given up on that fan." Nurse Lugosi said that she and the rest of the staff plan to bring in all their broken appliances and set them next to Wallis' bed.
The story of how Wallis' brain rewired itself will be featured in this week's Journal of the American Medical Association. The story of how Wallis' brain rewired the exhaust fan will be featured in the next issue of Popular Mechanics.
July: LUKE RAVENSTAHL SAYS HE'S MATURE ENOUGH TO BECOME MAYOR IF O'CONNOR BECOMES INCAPACITATED
YOUNG CITY COUNCIL PREZ SAYS HE'S BEEN WORKING SO HARD TO SERVE HIS CONSTITUENTS, "I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO, LIKE, GO SKATEBOARDING WITH MY BUDS LATELY, DUDE."
July: BEN ROETHLISBERGER APPEARS IN PUBLIC FOR FIRST TIME SINCE ACCIDENT
STEELER QUARTERBACK DOES SPOT FOR MUSIC VIDEO
July: CHUCK TANNER, TAPPED TO THROW OUT FIRST PITCH, BEANS G. OGDEN NUTTING WITH FASTBALL
BRANDING TEAM OWNER A CONGENITAL IDIOT, FORMER BUCS SKIPPER SHOUTS:"THAT'S FOR FIELDING SUCH A LOUSY TEAM, YOU CHEAP SON OF A BITCH"PITTSBURGH - Former Pirates manager Chuck Tanner, who took the "We are Family" Bucs to a world championship in 1979, was tapped to throw out the first pitch in this year's All-Star Game at PNC Park in Pittsburgh before a sold-out crowd of adoring fans.
Tanner took his place just in front of the mound and doffed his cap toward the crowd. He eyed the catcher but then unexpectedly wheeled around toward the first base stands and heaved a 92 mile per hour beanball directly at Pirates controlling owner G. Ogden Nutting who was sitting in the first row of seats above the visitors' dugout, smacking him in the middle of the forehead. Nutting yelled, "Oh, no," then toppled over with a very nasty bruise directly above his nose.
"That's for ruining my Pirates," Tanner yelled at Nutting, as ushers surrounded the 71-year old newspaper magnate.
After more than a minute, Nutting slowly stood up in a stupor and tried to call out to Tanner. Suddenly, another fastball came sailing in and clipped Nutting in the throat, sending him to the ground again.
"This time, stay down," Tanner yelled as the crowd roared its approval. Not bothering to see if Nutting was seriously injured, Tanner walked off the field in triumph as the anthem of the '79 Pirates, "We are Family," blared over the loudspeaker.
July: JEWS NOTICE FORESKIN ON STATUE OF SUPPOSEDLY JEWISH "DAVID," DEMAND THAT MARBLE BE CIRCUMCISED
RABBI OVADIA YOSEF ENLISTS FORMER 'THIS OLD HOUSE" HOST BOB VILA TO CHISEL AWAY "THIS FORESKIN ABOMINATION"
NEW YORK - Rabbi Ovadia Yosef says that Jews the world over owe their gratitude to a group of "giggling, inane" American teenage girls in Florence who noticed that the Michelangelo masterpiece depicting Jewish King David as a youth about to enter battle with Goliath is not circumcised.
"These girls, paying far, far too close attention to the statue's tallywacker, have done the world a great service by pointing out that this imposter is not a Jew but some shameless gentile youth," said Rabbi Yosef.
Heidi Jonas, 17, of White Plains, New York, was in Florence with classmates when they spotted the foreskin. "We were like looking at him and we were, like, what a hunk and everything, and then Brittany [Peters], she goes, 'look at that,' because she noticed it and everything, and we were all like, ewww, gross!" she giggled.
Rabbi Yosef said that "if this marble hunk -- rather, this hunk of marble deigns to depict King David, it will need a bris and ritual circumcision."
But a traditional mohel won't do for this job, Rabbi Yosef said. Instead he has enlisted Bob Vila, former host of TV's This Old House to handle the cutting that will be necessary to "convert" David to Judaism.
"I'm going to need a circular saw with a masonry blade," Vila explained to this news source. "And I definitely need extra lighting because this job requires extreme caution. If I take too much off, this young man will be the object of ridicule in the lockerroom among his fellow naked statues for all eternity," Vila said.
July: DICK SKRINJAR SAYS MAYOR O'CONNOR FULLY CAPABLE OF RUNNING CITY EVEN WHEN UNCONSCIOUS
MAYOR'S SPOKESMAN DENIES PUTTING POSITIVE SPIN ON O'CONNOR'S CONDITION PITTSBURGH - Mayor Bob O'Connor is incapacitated from the side-effects of chemotherapy and unable to muster the strength even to speak by phone with staff members at their weekly meeting. Nevertheless, according to Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar, O'Connor is "fully in command" of the City of Pittsburgh.
With his customary assurance, Skrinjar bristled at allegations by this news source that he is putting a positive spin on the Mayor's condition. "The past couple of weeks, there have been plenty of times when I've seen the Mayor out cold," Skrinjar explained. "But even when he's totally unconscious, he routinely gives detailed directions to the department heads and is thoroughly briefed on issues of vital importance to Pittsburgh." Skrinjar held up a thick binder. "This is the revitalization plan for the entire City of Pittsburgh," he said. "Mayor O'Connor dictated it last night, two hours after he fell asleep."
Skrinjar minimized the effect that chemotherapy is having on the Mayor. "I'd go so far as to say that the chemotherapy has given the Mayor more stamina than he's ever had in his life," he explained. "It's been like an elixir for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps taking it even after he's all better."
Skrinjar ended an impromptu press conference by emphatically assuring reporters that O'Connor's judgment and acumen are no different when he is unconscious than when he is awake.
August: Linguists declare Bush is right: “Nuclear” is pronounced “Nu–kyi–ler”
NEW YORK- The daughter of physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer, the scientist who headed the Manhattan project that developed the first atomic bombs, released the minutes of a secret meeting conducted by her father’s team of nuclear pioneers in March of 1945 that decided how the word “nuclear” should be pronounced. The minutes reveal that the men decided the word should be pronounced exactly as President Bush pronounces it: "nu-kyi-ler."At that historic meeting, according to Velveeta Oppenheimer-Lugosi, the scientist's only surviving child, “General [Leslie R.] Groves wanted to pronounce it ‘knucklehead-ular’ but my father thought that was too difficult to say.” Instead, Oppenheimer came up with "the very pronunciation that President Bush has brought back into vogue."
Ms. Smith revealed that her father assigned bizarre pronunciations to practically every English word. “’Tree’ was pronounced ‘travelanzia’; ‘dog’ was ‘duo-oj-enis,' and so forth,” she said. “The fact is, my father was crazy. We rarely knew what he was talking about, much like President Bush.”
August: PORTER CREDITS OFF-SEASON WORKOUTS WITH DON RICKLES FOR IMPROVING QUALITY, CRUELTY, OF ON-FIELD TRASH-TALKING
LATROBE, Pa - After a morning practice in which trash-talking linebacker Joey Porter delivered a non-stop barrage of insults ridiculing women, homosexuals, Mexicans, Asians, Republicans, Christians, African-Americans, Arabs, the Irish and Jews, Coach Bill Cowher pronounced himself “satisfied that Joey is rounding into mid-season form.” Cowher also noted that Porter seemed to be breaking in some new material. “It wasn’t just the same old sexual boasts and imprecations concerning the nocturnal habits of his teammates’ sisters, aunts, mothers and grandmothers. Joey just hit every ethnic group imaginable. And he hit them hard. I was in stitches.” When asked by reporters afterward about his fresh new approach to belittling opponents, Porter was quick to give credit to his off-season tutor. “I spent a lot of time this winter working out with Don Rickles. We probably spent four to six hours a day insulting people, mining every racial and ethnic stereotype available in an attempt to master the art of verbal assault.”
Porter said he began to notice something was lacking in his performance last year during the first Cincinnati game. “I was calling Chad Johnson every thing I could think of, and he just shrugged. He told me he’d heard it all before, and that my material was so lame I wouldn’t last two minutes at an Open Mike Night. That’s when I knew I had to get help.” Porter said he instructed his agent to hire Rickles, the so-called “Merchant of Venom,” as his personal insult trainer immediately after he returned from the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Porter also said he’s looking forward to the season opener against Miami. “Don gave me a lot of good stuff to use against the Dolphins. Especially when he found out they have a black quarterback.” He also said that while he hoped the Steelers would be able to get back to the Super Bowl, he was focusing on a much more important goal. “At this stage in my career, I just want to get into the Friars Club.”
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August: Fifteen more "killers" come forward, confess to murder of JonBenet Ramsey
ALL STAND AT ONE TIME AND CLAIM: "I AM JOHN MARK KARR"
August: MAYOR'S DOCTORS STOP GIVING UPDATES ON HIS CONDITION, TASK FALLS TO DICK SKRINJAR
"YOU SAY THE MAYOR'S SICK? WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?"
May: STATE DEPARTMENT RELEASES LIST OF HOTTEST HEADS OF STATE, WORLD OUTRAGED AT OBJECTIFICATION OF MALE LEADERS
WASHINGTON - A list compiled and released today by State Department personnel listing the “Top Twenty-Five Hottest Heads of State,” grading their breasts, pecs, buttocks, "pelvic regions and bulges," and faces, and using scatological and pornographic language to describe the proficiency of various world leaders at a variety of sexual acts has caused a furor in diplomatic circles.
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, speaking to reporters said the list was just “foreign service officers being foreign service officers.” She explained: “Let’s not kid ourselves. This is how government employees talk,” said Rice.
Attorney Jim Ecker, who is representing Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf, (Number Fourteen) couldn’t disagree more. “Secretary Rice’s remarks are a sad, demoralizing comment about global leaders. Each one of these heads of state has suffered a personal sexual assault by way of this list.” Mr. Ecker said his client, President Musharraf, had spent the entire morning on the phone comforting many colleagues whose names also appeared on the list. “From what I understand, that swarthy Latin sensation, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, (Number Two) is just beside himself about losing the top spot to President Bush,” said Ecker. "And rightly so, because he's really hot."
The State Department has compiled a “hottest heads of state” list since the administration of James Monroe. A little known codicil of the Monroe Doctrine insists that European powers stay out of the Western Hemisphere unless “they can go at it like a wildcat in the sack.” The State Department, in association with the E Channel, is producing a two hour television special on the list, to be hosted by Secretary Rice, scheduled to air later this year. Bill Clinton is scheduled to make a guest appearance.
May: OAKLAND RAIDERS SELECT AL ZARQAWI WITH SEVENTH PICK OF NFL DRAFT
OAKLAND - Al Davis, controversial owner of the Oakland Raiders, has once again created a firestorm around the league by selecting Jordanian terrorist Abu al Zarqawi with the seventh pick of the National Football League Draft. “This guy puts the criminal in 'criminal element,' said a smiling Davis. Zarqawi is the second international terrorist to be drafted by the Raiders, and the first since Carlos the Jackal played free safety for Oakland during the mid-seventies. “He is capable of delivering a lot of punishment, and he’s got an elusiveness that makes him hard to bring down in the open field,” said Davis. “He’s got all the weapons necessary to make an immediate impact. I’m just grateful he’s on our team.”
Zarqawi, who did not make himself available to NFL Scouts at the Indianapolis Combine, a showcase for individuals with aspirations to play professional football, released a videotape broadcast on the Aljazeera Network this morning saying he was “delighted to be a part of the Silver and Black” and vowing to do “everything in his power, praise God, to destroy all teams that stand in the way” of a Raider championship. Zarqawi, who has retained the services of super-agent Drew Rosenhaus, said he was looking forward to attending Raider mini-camp at the end of the month, and that he expected to be fully recovered from the leg wound he sustained during a rocket attack launched by U.S. led coalition forces in Iraq in time for the opening of training camp in July.
May: 6,000 U.S. troops employ "Hands Across America" approach to secure U.S.-Mexico border
NATIONAL GUARD TAUNTS MEXICANS: "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND VINCENTE ON OVER"
MAY: FDA APPROVES GENERIC VERSIONS OF GENERIC DRUGS
FDA: "THESE DRUGS ARE SO GENERIC, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE LABELS"WASHINGTON - After years of debate and intense lobbying efforts to prevent it, the Food and Drug Administration today ruled that generic versions of generic drugs will be legal in the United States by Labor Day.
The so-called generic-generics will be so generic that they have will neither have labels on the outside nor cotton inside. In addition, to appease the large drug manufacturers that for years fought against their legalization, the "generic-generics" will contain an ingredient to induce nausea in order to make them less palatable to consumers.
Maurice Walgreen, President of the Walgreen Pharmacy chain, says his stores will carry the drugs but that he has "nothing but disdain" for them. "Tell me," Walgreen asked rhetorically, "what self-respecting sick person would take this crap?" Walgreen said he is instructing his pharmacists not even to say "thank you" when filling prescriptions for generic-generics. "In fact," Walgren added, "I told them, don't even look at the cheapos who ask for this [stuff]. Just take their money and toss the damn bottle at them."
May: Breaking news
DONALD WUERL TRADED TO WASHINGTON FOR BISHOP TO BE NAMED LATER
Veteran prelate finally gets chance to pitch in big market diocese
Veteran prelate finally gets chance to pitch in big market diocese
May: PRESIDENT BUSH SAYS LA CUCARACHA SHOULD BE SUNG IN ENGLISH
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, President Bush ignited a firestorm of controversy when he spoke out against a Spanish version of "The Star Spangled Banner" dubbed "Our Anthem." The President declared that "people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English."In a press conference today, the President upped the ante in the debate when he boldly stated that the beloved Mexican folk song La Cucaracha also "ought to be sung in English." Upon making this pronouncement, the lights in the East Room dimmed and a lone spotlight illuminated the President. The President then softly sang an English translation of the familiar song:
"The cockroach, the cockroach
Now he can't go traveling
Because he doesn't have, because he lacks
Marijuana to smoke."
When he finished, Mr. Bush was barraged with angry questions from reporters. Some openly accused him of promoting racism.
"You've got it all wrong," the President explained. "Look, so long as they sing it in English, I don't even care if they have a heavy Mexican accent. In fact, the accent would lend it some authentic, third-world charm."
The President then spoke directly to Mexicans who are considering crossing the border illegally: "I want you to memorize these words from that great song I just sang: 'The cockroach, the cockroach, Now he can't go traveling.' What those words mean is, don't come traveling here, amigo. There ain't no marijuana here. ¿Comprende?"
June: "BIG BEN" SHOCKER: STEELER QB DIED AT SCENE OF ACCIDENT, BETTIS LAID HANDS ON AND RESUSCITATED HIM
ROETHLISBERGER HEALING WAS THIRD MIRACLE NECESSARY TO ELEVATE BELOVED EX-STEELER JEROME BETTIS TO SAINTHOOD
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican confirmed this morning that Jerome Bettis' healing of an apparently-deceased Ben Roethlisberger following the Steeler quarterback's motorcycle accident last Monday was the third miracle necessary to elevate "The Bus" to Sainthood.
Steeler officials revealed today that Roethlisberger was pronounced dead at the scene of his accident at the intersection of Second Avenue and the 10th Street Bridge at 11:30 a.m. last Monday. Police closed the intersection and cleared away all extraneous personnel. Steelers owner Dan Rooney was immediately informed, and he placed an urgent call to Jerome "the Bus" Bettis who was in town filming a Campbell's Soup commercial. Mr. Rooney asked Bettis to hurry to the the accident scene. Bettis recounted that call: "Mr. Rooney said, 'Bus' I need you to push one into the end zone one last time -- this is the big one.'"
Bettis promptly drove to the accident scene with his parents in the car. Police initially tried to turn Bettis away but traffic officer Noah Swayne described what happened: "I knew 'the Bus' wasn't supposed to be there, but there was this light shining around his head -- I've seen some weird things in my years on the beat but this was -- Whoa! So I said, 'Come on through, 'Bus.'"
Several of Roethlisberger's friends were weeping next to his lifeless body. Bettis calmly walked up to the crowd just as a sheet had been placed over the young quarterback. The "Bus" asked everyone to stand back, and then he laid his hands on Big Ben's head. Roethlisberger immediately opened his eyes and sat up, to the shock of his friends and the emergency personnel at the scene. Weeping turned to tears of joy. Bettis slowly stood up and calmly dialed Mr. Rooney's number. "Mr. Rooney," Bettis said, "mission accomplished."
This morning at the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI presided over the canonization ceremony for the former running back. The Pope, reading from an apostolic letter, told worshipers at St. Peter's Basilica: "In the fullness of time, Jerome Bettis will take his place with other football immortals enshrined at the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, in the United States. Today, we acknowledge that 'the Bus' is to be enshrined in the celestial firmament, acting as our intercessor and model, joining the immortals in the Communion of Saints." His Holiness then removed a terrible towel from under his vestments, and waved it to the delirious crowd that seemed to be at least 75% Pittsburghers, many of whom tailgated all night outside Saint Peter's in rented vans. The Pope cited the Steeler's playoff victory over the Bengals, their Super Bowl win, and the resuscitation of Roethlisberger as the three objectively verifiable miracles attributable to Bettis necessary to declare him a Saint. The Pope explained that a team of canon lawyers, theologians and priests had reviewed game films provided by the NFL, along with video tapes from "The Jerome Bettis Show" provided by Giant Eagle to gather necessary evidence verifying that Bettis has been responsible for three miracles.
Bettis' father sat in the front row in a state of shock. "How'd this happen?" he asked. "We're not even Catholic." NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, seated next to him, said that Bettis' canonization "will go a long way" toward insuring that Bettis gains admission to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton.
June: "MISSION CONTROL" OUTSOURCED TO INDIA
HOUSTON - On the last space shuttle mission, the astronauts whispered among themselves that they didn't recognize any of the once-familiar voices from Mission Control. "Everybody was new," said Commander Noah Swayne. "And they all had accents," he looked around furtively and whispered, "like they weren't from around here. Frankly I got the sense they were reading from a script when I asked them for help about something."The mystery has been solved. NASA admitted today that Mission Control was outsourced to India in the spring of 2005 in a move designed to save more than $800 million annually.
In an interview conducted in the the four-tier auditorium that formerly housed Mission Control at the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center, NASA director Bradleys Roadhouse justified the outsourcing decision. The auditorium is now the storage room for the Space Center's flourecent light bulbs and cleaning products.
"Exactly what is Mission Control anyway?" Roadhouse asked rhetorically. "It's a help desk. And anyone who owns a Dell Computer, or countless other products, knows that the help desk people in India do a crackerjack job."
But Commander Swayne wonders if the space program hasn't lost something. "All I can tell you is that [on the last flight] we had a problem where the space craft starting spinning out of control, so I asked Mission Control what to do. Somebody who said his name was 'James,' who by the way I could barely understand, told me to turn off the engine for fifteen seconds and then restart it. Well, I knew I shouldn't have listened to him, but I shut down and sure enough we started hurling toward earth. Fortunately, I was able to fix it myself. A couple of days later, I had a temperature problem so I called down and spoke to someone who said her name was 'Alison.' And, damn, wouldn't you know it, she gave me the exact same useless advice."
The move to India is part of a wider government effort to save labor costs by shifting as much overseas as possible. The Office of Management and Budget is currently conducting a study to calculate possible savings by outsourcing Congress to New Delhi.
June: LEGO CLOSES U.S. PLANT BECAUSE PLASTIC FLOORS CAN'T SUPPORT WEIGHT OF EMPLOYEES
COPENHAGEN, Denmark - Toymaker Lego Group announced it is closing its U.S. plant in Enfield, Connecicut, constructed of the same material as the company's famous building block toy, because it is unsafe, according to company President Oslo Jarvis."The damn thing was never right," Jarvis said. "Sure, the pieces fit together nicely, snapping into place just fine. And, yes, they are colorful and shiny and all that. But when our employees ventured any higher than ground level, the damn floors began to buckle and, eventually, they collapsed, injuring one yellow and green plastic worker."
The Lego Group is looking at the possibility of moving its U.S. plant to the former Lincoln Logs Building or the Tinkertoy Tower, depending on the structural integrity of Lincoln Logs and TinkerToy.
June: Disney consoles family of boy who died after riding Rock 'n' Roller Coaster: "He got a FASTPASS™ into heaven"
TRAGEDY GIVES FLEDGLING RIDE MUCH-NEEDED CACHET; DISNEY PLANS TO FEATURE BOY'S SPIRIT IN ITS "HAUNTED MANSION" ATTRACTIONORLANDO - Ecumenical spiritual counselors at the Walt Disney World Resort near Orlando tackled the grim task of consoling the family of Noah Swayne, the 12-year old boy who died today after he rode Rock 'n Roller Coaster at the Disney MGM theme park. Rev. Bradleys Roadhouse went to great lengths to assure the family that the boy "got a FASTPASS™ right into heaven," allowing him "to bypass the long lines of pilgrims who have also gone to that final ride in the sky."
Rev. Roadhouse later told reporters that the tragedy had the perverse effect of boosting Rock 'n Roller Coaster's ridership 80% today. "One hates to speak of human misfortune in these terms," said Rev. Roadhouse, "but the boy's death has given this fledgling attraction much-needed cachet. That, of course, simply goes to prove that there is always a silver lining amidst even tragic events."
According to Rev. Roadhouse, Disney is planning to incorporate the tragedy into its popular Haunted Mansion attraction. "We're working with mediums to coax the boy's spirit into playing a major role in that attraction, as we have done with other persons who've succumbed to our rides," he said. "But until the negotiations are concluded, that's all I can say about that."
June: ENZO THE BAKER, MICHAEL CORLEONE THWART ATTEMPT TO KILL BEN ROETHLISBERGER
PITTSBURGH - When Enzo the Baker came to pay his respects to the injured Ben Roethlisberger at Mercy Hospital last night, he found a highly agitated Michael Corleone frantically attempting to move the bed-ridden football hero to a secure location. “I was walking down the hall, carrying some flowers and a bag of sweets for Mr. Roethlisberger when Michael asked for my help,” said Enzo. “He said some men are on their way to kill our quarterback. He then urged me to work with him to quickly place Big Ben in a room where he would be safe from any would-be assassins.”
Enzo said that, according to Corleone, Roethlisberger was supposed to be under constant police guard, but a crooked police captain named McCloskey, working hand in glove with the party – or parties - responsible for the attempt on Mr. Roethlisberger’s life had sent them all home for the evening, leaving the fallen signal-caller unprotected. Pittsburgh Police Chief Dom Costa said he planned to speak to Captain McCloskey about the allegations made by Enzo the Baker later today.
When Enzo and Michael were satisfied Roethlisberger was out of harm's way, they left the building and, according to Enzo, affected a menacing posture on the front steps of the hospital to create a false impression that the beloved leader of the Super Bowl champions was impossible to reach. The reluctant, but heroic baker reported that a long black sedan was seen driving slowly past the hospital. “I definitely saw Oakland Raiders President Al Davis sitting in the back seat,” said Enzo. He later admitted that he was scared. “I was so nervous I couldn’t even light my cigarette. But Michael, in an obvious bit of foreshadowing, did it for me on the first try.” It is believed that Enzo’s unplanned yet gallant act satisfies the unspecified debt that he owed to Mr. Roethlisberger.
GIANT EAGLE BUTCHER NOAH SWAYNE'S LONG-AWAITED STATEMENT ON PRESIDENT GERALD FORD'S PASSING
It is with a heavy heart that I speak today on the passing of former President Gerald Ford. I didn't know him, but President Ford made me proud to be an American. I am one of the many Americans who wore a "WIN" button ("whip inflation now") at President Ford's suggestion. The mere fact that the WIN button didn't do anything to stop inflation, which was rampant during the Ford administration, or that it was an inane idea to begin with, is beside the point. And although I chortled at Mr. Ford when he made the asinine comment during the Carter-Ford debate that there is no Soviet domination in Eastern Europe, I stopped laughing after dour Mr. Jimmy Carter forced me to lower my thermostat and put on a sweater and had the audacity to tell me that I was what's wrong with America (we sent that self-righteous peanut farmer back to Plains after the 1980 election).I speak for all Americans, not to mention all butchers, in extending my deepest condolences to Mrs. Betty Ford, who was so outspoken for so many years but from whom nobody's heard anything in so long.
Noah Swayne, Butcher
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