BLEIER BOMBS IN IRAQ: "FEEL GOOD" MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH DOESN'T CUT IT AT SUICIDE BOMBER SEMINAR
TEHRAN - Former Pittsburgh Steeler running back Rocky Bleier, who travels around the world delivering motivational speeches designed to show how ordinary people can do extraordinary things, blamed his agent for booking him to appear before a suicide bomber seminar at Tehran’s Khajeh Nasir University today. Mohammed Ali, a spokesman for Martyrdom Seekers, the group that organized the on-campus seminar, was unimpressed with Bleier. “We had him come on right after a thirty minute video montage of suicide attacks against Israeli settlements. The crowd was in a state of total rapture. Then he starts with the Vietnam thing. You could just feel the air go out of the room,” said Ali. Bleier, who “sees parallels between his past challenges and the challenges all business people face in today’s competitive environment,” described the experience as a “similar to my broadcasting days at WIIC [Channel 11 in Pittsburgh]. In other words,” he said, “it was a total disaster.” Bleier said he was unable to reconcile the students' desire to die for God with his irrepressible drive to become an integral part of the "Super Steelers" dynasty of the 1970’s. “I tried explaining to them how the unity of purpose that helped our team to win four championships in six years could help them achieve their own goals, like destroying Israel, or obtaining nuclear weapons, or landing that dream job. But everything was 'Zionist this' and 'Zionist that.' They were a tough crowd.”
Bleier agreed to waive his usual speaking fee in return for his life and safe passage out of the country. He said he planned on looking for a new agent “as soon as I stop shaking.” The Martyrdom Seekers are hosting a mixer this Friday afternoon at the Ayatollah Khomeini Student Union from four o’clock to six o’clock. Anyone interested in entering Paradise in multiple pieces is asked to attend.
ROETHLISBERGER IS BACK -- AND HE'S EVERYWHERE: THE ESPY AWARDS, A GOLF TOURNAMENT, AND EVEN AL-JAZEERA
DUBAI - Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has recovered from a near-fatal motorcycle accident and, as if the accident never occurred, he's on a whirlwind tour of high-profile television appearances. First he made a surprise visit to the ESPY awards in Los Angeles earlier in the week.Next, Big Ben popped up playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.
And this morning, Al-Jazeera Television aired a tape obtained from Iraqi militant group Hell's Brigade showing hostage Robert Haines, an American contractor, surrounded by five unidintified hostage takers -- and Roethlisberger. The Steeler quarterback is pictured in the photograph above, third from the left.
"The Al-Jazeera deal was too good to turn down," said Roethlisberger's agent, Colonel Tom Parker.
The Steelers issued a statement emphasizing that the third year quarterback "did not participate in activities involving torture or, for that matter, any activity contrary to the Steelers' philosophy. He merely stood there, next to the evildoers."
But Coach Bill Cowher expressed concern about Roethlisber's appearance with the terrorists. "I'm certainly alarmed," said Cowher. "Despite all my preaching and regardless of everything that happened to him, I understand that Ben was seen riding in an Iraqi Jeep without a helmet," said Cowher.
LOCAL MAN RECOVERING FROM ANOTHER DICK CHENEY MISFIRE: "CHENEY'S AIM AT URINAL JUST AS POOR AS WHEN HE HUNTS QUAIL"
"MY PANTS WERE RUINED," SAYS MAN STANDING NEXT TO VEEP.
U.N SECURITY COUNCIL TO SANCTION IRANIAN PRESIDENT FOR VIOLATION OF U.N. DRESS CODE
NEW YORK - The five permanent members of the U.N Security Council reached an agreement this morning on a statement demanding that the President of Iran “immediately cease wearing his windbreaker and open neck sport shirts and put on a necktie when performing his duties as head of state.” The Security Council also insisted that the Iranian President destroy his stockpile of leisure suits, polyester pants and platform shoes within thirty days.
Secretary General Koffi Annan said he was authorized to impose a five hundred dollar a day fine on President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad until he lets French fashion inspectors examine the contents of his closets to ensure that he has complied with the U.N. directive.
When President Ahmadinejad, who campaigned for President of Iran by pledging to “make every day casual day in Iran,” was informed of the punishment meted out by the Security Council, he became visibly angry. “This is why I need a nuclear weapon,” he said to several members of his security detail.
Secretary General Koffi Annan said President Ahmadinejad has been warned repeatedly about his wardrobe, and the consequences for failing to adhere to the universally accepted standard of dress for world leaders. The only world leader remaining from the days when non-traditional attire was deemed acceptable is Fidel Castro, who was granted a special exemption from the new regulations.
“The Security Council will reconvene in ten days to review this matter,” said Annan. He refused to say whether the fifteen members of the council would authorize military force to impose a makeover, or at least a decent haircut. “We’ll wait for special envoy Mr. Blackwell’s report before making any final decisions,” he said.
ROME'S RUINS BEING RUINED
"DO YOU REALIZE HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO MAINTAIN THE LOOK OF DILAPIDATION?" SAYS COLOSSEUM'S ARCHITECT
ROME - The archaeological treasures emblematic of the Eternal City, the fabled ancient ruins of Rome, are in serious danger of being ruined, concludes a year-long study. The ruins are the victims of wear and tear caused by abusive tourists blissfully ignorant of their history.
"Every piece of the Colosseum needs restoration," said Piero Meogrossi, the architect in charge of Italy's most popular tourist attraction. "People don't realize how difficult it is to maintain that look of dilipidation, of ruination. It doesn't just happen naturally, you know; we've had to work very, very hard at it." Meogrossi asked this news source to print the words "very, very" from the last sentence in all capital letters, and we agreed we would.
Meogrossi claims that before the tourists started to overrun the ruins in the '90's, "the Colosseum looked brand-spanking new, like Jacobs Field in Cleveland." He gestured sadly toward the proud old structure. "Look at it now," he sighs. "Scuff marks, gum and graffiti with lewd comments -- unspeakably lewd comments."
Meogrossi pauses but can't help but ask: "Speaking of graffiti, who in the hell is this Allison from Pittsburgh I keep reading about on the restroom walls? I understand this Allison from Pittsburgh really 'puts out.' Do you know her?" He pulls out a sheet of paper. "I copied down her phone number," he explained, "and in the interest of getting to the bottom of this whole business, I might just call this Allison from Pittsburgh."
Meogrossi shrugs his shoulders. "Who knows? Some good might come of these wretched tourists after all."
ROME - The archaeological treasures emblematic of the Eternal City, the fabled ancient ruins of Rome, are in serious danger of being ruined, concludes a year-long study. The ruins are the victims of wear and tear caused by abusive tourists blissfully ignorant of their history. "Every piece of the Colosseum needs restoration," said Piero Meogrossi, the architect in charge of Italy's most popular tourist attraction. "People don't realize how difficult it is to maintain that look of dilipidation, of ruination. It doesn't just happen naturally, you know; we've had to work very, very hard at it." Meogrossi asked this news source to print the words "very, very" from the last sentence in all capital letters, and we agreed we would.
Meogrossi claims that before the tourists started to overrun the ruins in the '90's, "the Colosseum looked brand-spanking new, like Jacobs Field in Cleveland." He gestured sadly toward the proud old structure. "Look at it now," he sighs. "Scuff marks, gum and graffiti with lewd comments -- unspeakably lewd comments."
Meogrossi pauses but can't help but ask: "Speaking of graffiti, who in the hell is this Allison from Pittsburgh I keep reading about on the restroom walls? I understand this Allison from Pittsburgh really 'puts out.' Do you know her?" He pulls out a sheet of paper. "I copied down her phone number," he explained, "and in the interest of getting to the bottom of this whole business, I might just call this Allison from Pittsburgh."
Meogrossi shrugs his shoulders. "Who knows? Some good might come of these wretched tourists after all."
VENUS DE MILO TO GET BREAST ENLARGEMENT TO BOOST CROWDS AT THE LOUVRE
PARIS - For centuries, Venus de Milo, the ancient Greek statute of an armless, naked woman has been considered the epitome of graceful feminine beauty. But the Louvre Museum in Paris, where Venus has been on public display since 1821, is alarmed by the statue's dwindling popularity. Thirty years ago, Venus was the Louvre's most popular attraction. Today, barely a trickle of tourists bother to visit her."Let's face it, the real problem is the breasts," said Bob Haas, the first American Director of the Louvre, hired last month after a stint at Euro Disney. "They just don't cut it for modern audiences raised on Penthouse -- so I'm told, not that I've ever read that publication."
To Haas, the solution is simple. "The way to get the crowds back is through good old-fashioned American breast augmentation," he said. "And I'm not talking about this saline-filled stuff -- you know, where the woman says 'Honey, how do you like my breasts,' and the husband pretends there's a difference but there's really not, but then he stupidly admits he can't see a difference, which starts a big fight, and he ends up sleeping on the couch for four nights. Not that this ever happened with me and my wife."
Haas wants the largest breasts possible. "I'm talking about string implants, like they use in the adult entertainment industry -- so I'm told, because how would I know about such things?" he chuckles nervously. "My goal is for this timeless classical beauty to become a testament to men's most wicked desires."
Haas dismisses the criticisms of Parisians who say his plan would crassly eroticize one of the nation's most significant artifacts. "Those are the same snooty Europeans who deride Euro Disney but are the first in line to ride the roller coasters," he said. "I will prove to the Parisians that I am not crass. I am going install first-class peep booths with all the amenities so that our male clientele can view Venus properly, with state-of-the-art coin operated timer mechanisms that will accept ATM cards."
Next year, Haas said he plans to find a sculptor to fit Venus with arms. "Let's face it," he said. "That no-limbs look is a real turn-off."
ROB OWEN, POST-GAZETTE TV EDITOR, CITES THIS WEBSITE
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette TV Editor Rob Owen today said that a story reported by this website, Rick Sebak Assaulted by Television Critic at Premiere of Latest Special, was "hilarious but untrue." TV Q&A With Rob Owen
This website takes very seriously its responsibility for accuracy, and when a journalist with Mr. Owen's reputation casts doubt on the truth of one of our stories, you can bet I am going to check into it.
Some of our readers will recall that I once had to fire our lead reporter when I discovered that he had made up every story we had ever reported. "Carbolic Smoke Ball" fires lead reporter; it turns our every story we've reported was made up! As I said then: "The unfortunate part is that there are thousands of people around the world who have relied on this site as the sole source of their news. As it turns out, they were woefully misinformed. We cannot erase the past, but we pledge that the fake news stories end here and now. You have my word on that."
And you have my word on that again!
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
This website takes very seriously its responsibility for accuracy, and when a journalist with Mr. Owen's reputation casts doubt on the truth of one of our stories, you can bet I am going to check into it.
Some of our readers will recall that I once had to fire our lead reporter when I discovered that he had made up every story we had ever reported. "Carbolic Smoke Ball" fires lead reporter; it turns our every story we've reported was made up! As I said then: "The unfortunate part is that there are thousands of people around the world who have relied on this site as the sole source of their news. As it turns out, they were woefully misinformed. We cannot erase the past, but we pledge that the fake news stories end here and now. You have my word on that."
And you have my word on that again!
The Hon. Rufus Peckham
RARE PUBLIC APPEARANCE BRINGS STARTLING REVELATION: G. OGDEN NUTTING AND SON BOB REALLY ARE PIRATES
"THAT EXPLAINS WHY THEY PLUNDER THE TEAM," MUSED BASEBALL COMMISSIONER BUD SELIG 
VENDOR'S SHTICK OF CALLING FANS NAMES OF CELEBRITIES THEY RESEMBLE DOESN'T WORK AT ALL-STAR GAME
T.C. CONGDON REFERRED TO FAN AS "THE GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE ROB REINER" WITHOUT REALIZING IT REALLY WAS ROB REINER
PITTSBURGH - Funny man vendor T.C. Congdon spends every Pirate home game drifting through the aisles of PNC Park hawking one item or another while entertaining the hordes by calling fans by the names of celebrities they vaguely resemble.
His shtick fell flat at this year's All-Star game, played at PNC Park, because the real celebrities were actually there.
"Pass this beer to Meathead," Congdon told a fan. It quickly dawned on Congdon that the recipient of the beer really was Rob "Meathead" Reiner.
Congdon made the same mistake with Dean Cain. "Look," Congdon shouted, "there's Superman." It turned out he was right.
American League team manager Ozzie Guillen got wind of what Congdon was doing and called him a "retard" because "there's nothing funny about calling a celebrity by his real name."
NO WONDER THEY HIT SO MANY INTO THE RIVER . . .
THE BALLS WERE SO BIG IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS THEM
PNC PARK MIRACLE: OUTFIELD GRASS SOMEHOW WAS DISCOLORED IN SHAPE OF GIANT STAR
GROUNDSKEEPERS ARE BAFFLED
WITH DEAFENING ROAR, SPACE SHUTTLE DOES FLY-OVER PNC PARK TO KICK OFF HOMERUN DERBY
OBJECT NEXT TO SHUTTLE IS KOREAN MISSILE
HONUS WAGNER STATUTE TAKES BAT TO G. OGDEN NUTTING AS HE ENTERS PNC PARK FOR ALL-STAR GAME FESTIVITIES
QUICK ACTING SECURITY GUARDS PULL FLYING DUTCHMAN'S LIKENESS OFF PIRATES OWNER 
BUD SELIG BANS GOLFER JOHN DALY FROM BASEBALL FOR LIFE DUE TO GAMBLING
NEW YORK - Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig today banned golfer John Daly from baseball for life following revelations in Daly's biography that he has gambled away between $50 and $60 million."Baseball imposes this drastic punishment after much reflection and only as a last resort," said a somber Selig.
Daly, playing a round of golf with businessmen in Spain, was outraged when he heard the news. "This is bogus!" he cried. His golfing companions reminded Daly that, in fact, he has no involvement with baseball and that the ban will have no effect on him. Still, Daly fumed. "It's just the whole idea of it."
Critics dismissed the ban as a diversion tactic to keep the public from focusing on the steroid scandal that has engulfed baseball the past several months. But Selig begs to differ. "Major League Baseball sniffs out depravity wherever it is found, and if that makes our critics uncomfortable, then so be it."
Selig also announced that, in addition to Daly, Major League Baseball is investigating possibly banning Osama bin Laden and Lee Harvey Oswald (the latter posthumously).
Boy who vanished from Yankee Stadium turns up in Iowa cornfield
DYERSVILLE, IOWA - A 13 year-old boy who disappeared from a men’s room in Yankee Stadium last night mysteriously appeared this morning in an Iowa cornfield next to a makeshift baseball field. The boy, whose name is being withheld, was discovered walking with a shoeless ballplayer and a man resembling actor James Earl Jones.
AL GORE CALLS FOR RECOUNT OF ALL-STAR GAME BALLOTS
FORMER VP SAYS BALLOTS WITH HANGING CHADS UNFAIRLY DISREGARDEDWASHINGTON - Former Vice President and 2000 Presidential candidate Al Gore called for a recount of Major League Baseball All-Star Game ballots cast this year. Gore claims that only fully punched-out chads have been tallied, leaving at a disadvantage fans who vote from small market cities and rural areas "who are not sufficiently sophisticated to know how to fully punch-out chads," said Gore.
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced that he wants to insure the fairness of the balloting and named former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris to oversee the vote tallying process. Harris' declaration in the 2000 Presidential election that George Bush was the victor in Florida over Al Gore ignited a battle that forced the U.S. Supreme Court to decide the race.
Harris immediately held a press conference in which she "vowed that all 74 major league teams will be treated with the utmost fairness." Commissioner Selig, standing next to Harris, muttered to an aide. "What the hell's she talking about? There are only 30 teams in baselball." The Commissioner shook his head in disgust. "This dame must not know how to count."
BABE RUTH EXHUMED TO PROVE SUPERIORITY TO BONDS
BONDS' STEROID CREAM ADMINISTERED TO "BAMBINO'S" REMAINS, THE "SULTAN OF SWAT" HITS ONE OUT OF PARK
NEW YORK - At the direction of Babe Ruth's grandson Les Ruth, the "Bambino's" body was exhumed in a private ceremony at Yankee Stadium today, and the anabolic steroid that Barry Bonds admits having used was administered to the former Yankee great's badly decomposed remains.
Seconds after the liquid substance that Bonds refers to as "the cream" was dabbed on the the skull of what-is-left-of-Ruth, the Sultan of Swat rose from his gurney, grabbed a bat and assumed his familiar stance at home plate. Yankee fastballer Randy Johnson heaved one in the strike zone, and Ruth's remains let loose a ferocious swing, sending the ball on a 570 foot journey out of the park. Ruth rounded the bases, then quickly tuckered out and was returned to his casket.
Les Ruth summed up the feelings of the stunned witnesses. "Just imagine what the Babe would do with that 'cream' if his body was intact."
Pirates to feed Pierogie characters to lions to "give the fans what they want"
PITTSBURGH - G. Ogden Nutting, the phantom owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, announced through his son Bob that he's going to "give the fans what they want" -- the Pierogie characters who race each other every game will instead do battle with real, hungry lions. Nutting explained that in the middle of the fifth inning of every game, the lions will chase the Pierogies from the right field corner to home plate. "Now those ludicrous looking characters will really have something to run for,” said Nutting. “Their lives.”
In addition, Nutting said: "My father wants everyone to know that the fans are guaranteed to see blood every game, either the Pierogi characters' or the lions." Bob paused, sighed and seemed genuinely embarrassed. "My father insisted that at this point in the announcement, I'm supposed to laugh maniacally." He looked down and forced the faintest of laughs. "Ha, ha."
The battle with the lions will be conducted in conjunction with the Pittsburgh Zoo "to minimize the danger to the African lions we'll be using," Bob Nutting explained.
POPULAR TEAM MASCOT GOES ON KILLING RAMPAGE AT BALLPARK; KILLS 17, TURNS GUN ON SELF
PITTSBURGH - The beloved mascot of the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Pirate Parrot, went on a killing rampage at PNC Park in the fifth inning of the Pirates' loss against the Florida Marlins last night, killing 17 people and a vegetable, popular "Pierogi Race" character Jalapeno Hannah, before turning the gun on himself. This shocking photograph shows the Parrot seconds after he went berserk and began firing a mini-cannon at fans in the stands.
The Parrot had just climbed atop the visiting team's dugout, much to the delight of a group of young children clustered in the front row closest to him. He methodically removed a miniature cannon from a canvas bag and began loading it with ammunition. Then he took careful aim at long-time season ticket holder Bradleys Roadhouse sitting in Section 9, Row F, Seat 12, and literally blew his head off. Pirate broadcaster Greg Brown yelled at the top of his lungs: "I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW." Several fans lifted wisecracking vendor T.C. Congdon into the air, hoping he would become the next target, but Congdon somehow was spared. "The scary part was that throughout all the killing, [the Parrot's] eyes were lifeless," said Pirates manager Jim Tracy. "It was almost as if they were plastic."
The Parrot calmly proceeded to pick off 16 more people and the pierogi before taking his own life. When it was over, he lay motionless atop the dugout amidst the smoke from the gunfire. Green feathers floated gently onto the field, and a smell akin to burning chicken permeated the ballpark.
Police have not established a motive for the violent outburst, the worst at PNC Park since 2002 when Jim Rooker and Nellie King, inspired by the Columbine High killings, teamed up to kill 38 innocent fans as revenge for their terminations as Pirate broadcasters. Police suspect that the Parrot's attack may have been triggered by the frustration of trying to bring joy to Pirate fans in the midst what is shaping up to be a catastrophic losing season.
A private memorial will be conducted for the Parrot at the Pittsburgh Aviary tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. Police Chief Dom Costa asks that persons who are not invited stay away from the area. "We don't want to turn the Aviary into a zoo," the Chief said.
JOSE BAUTISTA HOMERUN TOUCHES OFF WORST RADIOACTIVE DISASTER IN HISTORY OF PNC PARK
NUCLEAR-POWERED PEPSI BOTTLE ATOP RIGHT FIELD STANDS HAS MELTDOWN, LEAKS RADIOACTIVE CAFFEINE; NORTH SHORE IS ABUZZPITTSBURGH - The worst radioactive disaster in the history of PNC Park occurred in the second inning of last night's game against the Florida Marlins, leaving thousands of North Shore residents abuzz with caffeine poisoning.
As is customary when a Pirate hits a homerun, Jose Bautista's two-run blast with one out in the bottom of the second inning cued the giant nuclear-powered mechanical Pepsi bottle atop the right field stands to flash lights, sizzle and appear as if it were filling up. However, the bottle malfunctioned for reasons police and the Pepsi-Cola Company are still investigating, and it failed to stop sizzling.
Within minutes it was obvious that the bottle was experiencing a caffeine meltdown of significant proportions. The game was halted and fans were told to proceed to their cars in an orderly fashion. But caffeine fumes immediately filled the air, and exiting fans experienced severe restlessness and pronounced muscle twitching.
Veteran Pirates Joe Randa and Jeromy Burnitz started running the bases uncontrollably, much to the delight of Pirates manager Jim Tracy. "I haven't seen those old guys run like that all year," said Tracy. "I'm going to ask for a nuclear meltdown every night."
PIRATES' MANAGER SUSPENDED FOR NEO-NAZI SALUTE
BUD SELIG: HITLER NOT AN ESPECIALLY GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUTHPITTSBURGH - As if the hapless Pittsburgh Pirates did not have enough trouble, now the Bucs' skipper Jim Tracy has been suspended by baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for giving what Selig characterized as a neo-Nazi salute prior to last night's Pirate's game. Tracy allegedly gave the salute while he was spraying fungoes during fielding practice.
Selig issued this statement: "After much consideration, it is the opinion of the Commissioner's office that Adolf Hitler and his Nazi party are not especially good role models for our youth."
Tracy maintains that he was not giving a neo-Nazi salute but was "calling his shot" -- predicting he would hit a home run to center field. Selig said he will investigate.
If Tracy's claim is true, Selig said it "would be worse" than if Tracy were emulating Hitler. "I'll have him committed to a mental hospital for having delusions that he's Babe Ruth."
KKK ADVERTISES AT PNC PARK
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Pirates, desperate for any revenues they can raise, is accepting advertising dollars from the Ku Klux Klan, it was revealed last night when a large "KKK" sign was erected in the left field stands prior to the start of the game. A guard hired by the Klan sat above it to make sure no one tried to remove it. Ian Snell, the Pirates lone black player, refused to dress for the game in protest.G. Ogden Nutting, the mysterious principal owner of the Pirates, did not return calls for this story, but his son Bob briefly explained that "the Pirates don't screen advertisers, other than to make sure their money is green." Pirates Manager Jim Tracy was unaware that the Klan was advertising at the ballpark. "I just thought the three K's represented Oliver Perez's cumulative strikeouts for the season."
Mr. Nutting's office revealed that Al-Quaeda and the Hitler Youth are also planning to advertise at PNC Park.
JIM TRACY UPBRAIDS PEREZ FOR COWARDICE, SELIG RELIEVES HIM OF COMMAND
ST. LOUIS - Pittsburgh Pirates Manager Jim Tracy slapped Pirates pitcher Oliver Perez during a visit to a mobile Pirates field hospital last night, accusing Perez of cowardice, and cursing him in a loud voice that caused Perez to dissolve into tears.Supreme Commander of Major League Baseball Donald Selig announced this morning that Tracy had been immediately relieved of his command of the beleaguered Pirates, pending an investigation.
According to witnesses, Tracy had just completed an emotional visit to the bedside of injured first baseman Sean Casey, pausing to plant a kiss on his forehead and place a bobblehead likeness of himself on Casey’s nightstand. As he left, he saw Perez sitting in a corner, trembling. Tracy asked Perez about the nature of his condition. Perez allegedly replied “It’s my nerves, sir. I can’t take it anymore.” Tracy flew into a rage. “Your nerves?” he snarled. “Why you’re nothing but a g**damn coward!” He then slapped Perez twice across the face with his glove, ordering Pirate medical personnel to “send this yellow bastard back to the front of the pitching rotation.” Tracy insisted he wouldn’t allow “this yellow bastard” to “stink up a place of honor!”
A spokesman for the volatile Tracy, nicknamed “Old Blood and Guts and Cliches” by his men, later said Tracy that was “contrite.” He also said Tracy would do “whatever Selig wanted to get back in the game.” It is believed that Selig will insist that Tracy make a formal apology to the men serving in the Major League Baseball Players Association before he is reinstated. A decision on Tracy’s status is expected before the All-Star Game.
BALLPLAYER ACCUSED OF SMUGGLING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM MEXICO IN HIS CUP SUPPORTER
BRADENTON, Fla - Bradleys Roadhouse, 22, third baseman for Double "A" minor league baseball team The Altoona Curve, has been accused by Major League Baseball of being part of a lucrative human trafficking ring that is believed to have smuggled hundreds of illegal immigrants from Mexico to Florida.
Roadhouse, who spent spring training this year at the Bradenton training camp of the Pittsburgh Pirates, is accused of personally transporting dozens of Mexicans across the border by hiding them in an over-sized cup supporter.
The smuggling ring started to unravel last week, however, when an illegal Mexican immigrant was rushed to a local Bradenton hospital by an anonymous man and later died. Officials concluded that Roadhouse was involved in the incident after the coroner's report listed the cause of death as a severe case of second-hand jock itch. FBI inspector Noah Swayne explained:"We put two and two together -- the jock itch, and the numerous reports we'd been receiving about the bulge in Roadhouse's pants."
In related news, Pete Rose is said to be taking bets on Roadhouse's cup size.
Little League World Series pushes fences back 20 feet, rampant steroid use blamed
WILLIAMSPORT - Little League Baseball announced today that the outfield fences at its two Williamsport ballparks will be pushed back 20 feet in time for this year's Little League World Series. Rampant steroid use has bulked up the twelve-year old participants to the point that homeruns, many of them monstrous shots, have become as routine as singles, said Bradleys Roadhouse, Commissioner of Little League Baseball, in a candid interview."They [the players] may only be twelve years old, but by the looks of them, they could pass for minor leaguers," said Roadhouse. "Take the team that won it last year, Ewa Beach, [Honolulu] Hawaii [pictured above]. If those boys miss a day of shaving, they've got full beards." Roadhouse said the boys' steroid use has other negative consequences. "I've seen college girls hit on these boys only to recoil in shock when the boys open their mouths and speak to them in their high-pitched, girlish voices."
Little League's official explanation is that the fences need to be pushed back because doubles and triples have become too scarce. Roadhouse conceded that this is only partially correct. "Yes, doubles and triples are too scarce, but it's because those behemoths are smacking the ball over the fence every time they get wood on it."
PIRATES' SPECIAL ALL-STAR GAME CONSULTANT, MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY, PUSHES JASON BAY INTO LEAD IN BALLOTING AMONG NL OUTFIELDERS
PITTSBURGH - Jason Bay found himself atop all National League outfielders in fan balloting for the All-Star game today, and he has one man to thank for it: the Pirates' special "All-Star Game Consultant," Richard J. Daley, former Mayor of Chicago. "When I was looking for a man to spearhead our effort to get Jason elected, the choice was easy," said Pirates General Manager Dave Littlefield. "It had to be 'Da Mare,' the last of the big city bosses."
But with four days left for voting, Daley said he's not celebrating yet. "You remember how close it was when I got Jack Kennedy elected in 1960?" said Mayor Daley. "Well, this one's going to be closer, so we need to exhilerate the program. With hard work, we shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."
Mayor Daley became indignant when questioned about historical rumors that he sometimes engaged in ballot manipulation to win elections. "I'm going to get Bay elected the same way I win every election," barked the Mayor. "With my network of local precinct captains, who marshal and deliver the votes on a neighborhood-by-neighborhood basis." The Mayor smiled: "After all, I wasn't hired to create disorder, I was hired to preserve disorder."
CARBOLIC EDITOR JUDGE PECKHAM IS KILLED BY ASTEROID, SAYS UNSPACE.NET
PITTSBURGH - The beloved founder and editor of The Carbolic Smoke Ball was killed by an asteroid today, reports UnSpace. Immediately upon hearing the news, devotees of the Judge erected large banners bearing his image throughout the city, and wailing and lamenting were widespread. We will provide continuning coverage of this story as details unfold.The Hon. Rufus Peckham
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